Wife and I are having problems

[sally4sara]

And so you saw your friend with his kid and, monkey see monkey do, now you think you want to be a dad. Maybe its an excuse to walk away from your marriage? Maybe its a real desire and thus a real concern to you that your wife might not be able to carry the a child of the two of you?

 

But then it dawned on me; this particular conundrum.....

 

What kind of father do you really think you will be?

 

You will load a son down with all your damaged baggage about women and even though your wife is a fine example of a woman, he will be jaded at the age of ten and unable to relax about relationships.

 

You will either hate/fear a daughter or torment her till she hates/fears her gender and herself.

 

Even if you might really want a kid, the thing that should be your first concern is should you have a kid -with ANYONE if not your wife?

[shadowplay]

What kind of father do you really think you will be?

 

You will load a son down with all your damaged baggage about women and even though your wife is a fine example of a woman, he will be jaded at the age of ten and unable to relax about relationships.

 

You will either hate/fear a daughter or torment her till she hates/fears her gender and herself.

 

 

Good points. I can totally imagine that.

[alphamale]

oh never mind (deleted)

look, i forgot she was 45, ok?!?

[Woggle]

I will also say that most of my friends now are players since most married men I know are boring and neutered wimps and I envy them. To me they have the ideal life for a man. It is one of freedom and they are never crying because some woman broke their heart. They very much know what the score is with modern women but they are having a ball anyway.

 

When I am out with them and they are picking up women I often wish I can join them and then I remember I have a wife at home. Some of these women look so damn good but they are off limits to me. It has been so long since I have had a one night stand and I miss it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wog, you've been a running dog since i got here. and let me tell you, the grass isnt greener. it's only green where you water it.

 

You need to stop sabotaging your life. Yes your wife may have overreacted but damn homie. All you got to do is just handle this like a grown up.

 

Stop being so damn negative. do you want to go and find a new woman or do you want to keep this one.

 

She isnt as bad as your ex so what the hell is the problem that you cannot work on?

[quankanne]

some of the things you've shared in this thread make me wonder if your wife senses them, and she's upset at what she perceives to be your sense of divided loyalties. I guarantee, nobody who has thrown themselves heart and soul into a relationship wants to be the "other" person ... especially in a marriage.

 

when you married her, you made publicly announced that you were putting your relationship with her above all others. Not because you decided to be emasculated, but you realized that in a mature, loving relationship, what you have together takes precedent over all other relationships.

 

I see your point when you threaten to kick her to the curb if she dares *think* about trying to tell you how to live your life ... but Wogs, you've got to understand, when you married her, you pretty much told her "it's you and me, baby, and no one else." And that includes buddies who might be down on their luck and are taking your focus off your relationship with your wife.

 

frankly, when my husband does this, I read him the riot act. It's not that I don't want him to hang out with his one friend, I just don't want him doing that all the freakin' time. Because to me, this "buddy" has no sense of respect for my marriage when he's over here all hours of the day and when he expects my husband to provide whatever he needs because he's too damned lazy (or too damn stupid, I can't figure which) to do it himself. When I said "I do," I didn't agree to be disrespected like this, and I'm not afraid to let him know.

 

maybe it's time to end things at this stage of the game, because you obviously can't function in a two-way, giving, loving relationship. Not dissing you here, just pointing out the reality of your situation when you keep fighting for your "needs," rather than *y'alls needs*

 

just my two cents

[sally4sara]

I will also say that most of my friends now are players I envy them.

 

I would imagine it is because you ARE so heavily influenced by what you see around you.

 

To me they have the ideal life for a man. It is one of freedom and they are never crying because some woman broke their heart.

They don't sound free. They sound like prisoners of their seminal fluids. And why are you watching then? It's not like YOU are crying because some woman is breaking YOUR heart. You're gearing up to break a heart. One of a woman who isn't providing enough drama for you. YOU can't be happy in a healthy relationship and so you envy their drama.

 

When I am out with them and they are picking up women I often wish I can join them and then I remember I have a wife at home. Some of these women look so damn good but they are off limits to me. It has been so long since I have had a one night stand and I miss it.

 

And despite claiming women have little worth to you, you are struggling with not getting caught up with them. This won't even be about finding a good one. This will be about absolving yourself of even acknowledging that some of them ARE good. You want to give up and just lash out at women in general with angry sexual energy and not walk upright anymore. Just sniffing crotches in bars.

 

Toxic.

[Lizzie60]

'Since his divorce he has been living a player lifestyle and he always makes comments about the two of us could run through the whole Jersey Shore together. Despite my issues I do tend to have a way with women when it comes to flirting and he feels we would make a good team. He also says it is only a matter of time before my wife betrays me. I know he is just in the process of growing his balls back and does not really mean this stuff but my wife takes it quite personally. '

 

Humm... I have not read the whole thread.. but this caught my attention.

 

This friend is obviously trying to break your marriage.. because he wants a buddy to 'play around'...

 

I agree with him.. that it's only a matter of time your wife will leave you... she will not betray you IMO...but you are pushing her to leave you.. she will eventually fall out of love because you're too 'macho'... and you have no respect for her. It's obvious for us.. so imagine .. she's living with you..

 

I think I told you before ... that it was only a matter of time.. now I'm convinced..

 

Plus, unlike other posters, I don't know your whole life story... and even the details.. (ages, etc..)... just from this thread.. it's quite obvious to me that this marriage will not last.. sorry... you better change.. or she won't have the patience to deal with you and your immature friend anymore.

[Woggle]

No she is not breaking my heart but it is only a matter of time. Everything I see around me just points to the fact that when it comes down it it is damn near impossible to have a truly happy marriage that lasts with a woman. When aI am work I hear my coworkers talk cheating and their husbands and boyfriendsa while high fiving each other and after a day of that I just can't go home and be loving towards my wife. She doesn't understand that this is what makes me doubt my marriage and not my friend. I can't just be lovey dovey with her after reading some of the stories on this forum. To me a player gets his sexual needs filled and when a woman starts acting up on him he can just get a new one. That is freedom for a man is he can keep his emotions in check.

[sally4sara]

No she is not breaking my heart but it is only a matter of time. Everything I see around me just points to the fact that when it comes down it it is damn near impossible to have a truly happy marriage that lasts with a woman. When aI am work I hear my coworkers talk cheating and their husbands and boyfriendsa while high fiving each other and after a day of that I just can't go home and be loving towards my wife. She doesn't understand that this is what makes me doubt my marriage and not my friend. I can't just be lovey dovey with her after reading some of the stories on this forum. To me a player gets his sexual needs filled and when a woman starts acting up on him he can just get a new one. That is freedom for a man is he can keep his emotions in check.

 

But you are not capable of keeping your emotions in check. Look at your words. YOU admit your emotions are controlled by the actions and words of your friends and coworkers. You admit your emotions are not moved by your wife's actions and words to the same degree.

 

You are finally admitting that YOU only find ease in a negative relationship. The only thing you're are not able to admit yet is that it isn't the fault of women, its the fault of YOU. If your wife (a woman) cannot help you find ease in real healthy love, there is not rational reason to blame your negative emotional condition on women who you deal with even less intimately than your wife.

 

YOU DO NOT ACCEPT LOVE.

 

You let negative actions of others color your emotions toward your wife.

You have no reason to believe walking away from someone who has never hurt you will put you in a safer situation for this very reason.

You will drop the standards you held that gained you your wife and go seek out women who don't measure up to your wife. Because you cannot control your emotions in a safe relationship, you will only be at greater risk of hurt once you're dealing with random unproved women.

The only thing you will gain is a life that proves all your warped views.

And you will continue to be what you hate. A walkaway, drama addicted person who hurts the one who loves them. You will be your mom.

[whichwayisup]

I can't just be lovey dovey with her after reading some of the stories on this forum.

 

THEN QUIT LOVESHACK!!!!!!!!!!

 

I cannot believe that you would let this place influence your life so much. But, then again, I shouldn't be surprised since you let your friend influence you, you let complete strangers influence you (overhearing conversations, or just observing other couples interactions)..

 

Divorce your wife and set her free so she can find a man who isn't waiting for 'something' to end the marriage. It's like no matter WHAT she does, she's screwed because you have it in your head that the marriage isn't going to last.

 

If it ends, it'll be by your undoing..NOT HERS.

 

I will also say that most of my friends now are players since most married men I know are boring and neutered wimps and I envy them. To me they have the ideal life for a man. It is one of freedom and they are never crying because some woman broke their heart. They very much know what the score is with modern women but they are having a ball anyway.

 

Does your wife know you feel this way?

 

When I am out with them and they are picking up women I often wish I can join them and then I remember I have a wife at home. Some of these women look so damn good but they are off limits to me. It has been so long since I have had a one night stand and I miss it.

 

Does your wife know you feel this way?

 

No she is not breaking my heart but it is only a matter of time.

 

Yup, again..Does your wife know you feel this way?

 

Everything I see around me just points to the fact that when it comes down it it is damn near impossible to have a truly happy marriage that lasts with a woman. When aI am work I hear my coworkers talk cheating and their husbands and boyfriendsa while high fiving each other and after a day of that I just can't go home and be loving towards my wife. She doesn't understand that this is what makes me doubt my marriage and not my friend. I can't just be lovey dovey with her after reading some of the stories on this forum. To me a player gets his sexual needs filled and when a woman starts acting up on him he can just get a new one. That is freedom for a man is he can keep his emotions in check.

 

Sorry but your wife married someone who she really doesn't know..

 

One minute you're posting how happy you are, how lucky you are to have a wife who loves and adores you... Then you're posting it's only a matter of time before she cheats on you or whatever other reason..

 

Get back to counselling Woggle. Something is really wrong here. And it needs to be fixed soon.

[johan]

I will also say that most of my friends now are players since most married men I know are boring and neutered wimps and I envy them. To me they have the ideal life for a man. It is one of freedom and they are never crying because some woman broke their heart. They very much know what the score is with modern women but they are having a ball anyway.

 

When I am out with them and they are picking up women I often wish I can join them and then I remember I have a wife at home. Some of these women look so damn good but they are off limits to me. It has been so long since I have had a one night stand and I miss it.

 

If you leave her you'll be LS's biggest hypocrite. You might already be. You'll be the woman hating, walk-away husband. You're the male version of what you think is so wrong with women.

[johan]

One minute you're posting how happy you are, how lucky you are to have a wife who loves and adores you... Then you're posting it's only a matter of time before she cheats on you or whatever other reason..

 

Woggle is the one who is starting to look outside the marriage. Two things are evident to me: 1) He can't separate fantasy from reality, and 2) He doesn't think of women as people. They are just monsters with no feelings, and it doesn't matter if you treat them badly. He isn't bothered by his double-standards, because fairness is only a requirement if the two parties are equal. But women are monsters, so he can be justified in thinking whatever he wants and doing whatever he wants with no remorse.

[freestyle]

Well,Woggle, I've been wondering whatever happened with this thread

you started a month ago:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t206083/

 

 

Please take a moment to read it............I wrote a carefully thought out response to you, that I'd like to reiterate.

 

I'm also gonna ask you to take a look at what your attitude towards this was a month ago...............................................

[soserious1]

No she is not breaking my heart but it is only a matter of time. Everything I see around me just points to the fact that when it comes down it it is damn near impossible to have a truly happy marriage that lasts with a woman. When aI am work I hear my coworkers talk cheating and their husbands and boyfriendsa while high fiving each other and after a day of that I just can't go home and be loving towards my wife. She doesn't understand that this is what makes me doubt my marriage and not my friend. I can't just be lovey dovey with her after reading some of the stories on this forum. To me a player gets his sexual needs filled and when a woman starts acting up on him he can just get a new one. That is freedom for a man is he can keep his emotions in check.

 

 

I've worked in a wide variety of places and very seldom have I heard open discussion about a co-worker cheating on their spouse, let alone people bragging about doing so and being congratulated by their peers for sure. In reality, in a professional setting, such conversations are generally gossip, whispered speculations about work peers, uttered in disapproving tones.

 

You married a woman 15 yrs your senior, you seem to expect her to give you unconditional motherly type love

smoothing your hair with her hand and turning to smile indulgently at you when your friend insults the hell out of her.

The very minute there's even mild disagreement from her about anything, you start meowling about wanting babies

and missing out on one night stands with all these hot women.

 

You right now are doing the very thing you condemn women for, you've created a self-fulfilling prophecy

here, this marriage will fail, not because of your wife but because of your own internal struggles, you'll seize the failure of this relationship and roll forward with it to use as a club in your quest to devalue any woman unfortunate enough to want to get close to you. You are not free

Woggle be you married or single because of this huge bag of internal crap you are lugging around!

 

You need to somehow find the internal strength to get yourself to a therapist and to work on the demons that haunt you.

I had a horrible marriage that ended badly and am finding therapy quite useful.

Edited November 29, 2009 by soserious1

[Woggle]

I don't think that woman are monsters with no feelings but I truly do wonder if they are even capable of truly loving a man. I am not talking initial infatuation but true love. What I see does not show me that they are.

[Woggle]

Even my father thinks I am being a jerk now. I was explaining to him that my friend is just blowing hot air and he told me my mother said her friends were just expressing their rage and finding themselves and she knows she has a good man at home. We all know what happened next. That being said I value my piece of mind and it is driving me utterly insane wondering when my wife is going to turn on me.

[threebyfate]

Woggle, you've already lost the battle with yourself and only yourself. Let her go NOW, so you don't drag her down with you.

[soserious1]

I don't think that woman are monsters with no feelings but I truly do wonder if they are even capable of truly loving a man. I am not talking initial infatuation but true love. What I see does not show me that they are.

 

Woggle, you're not looking for a loving lifemate, what you're searching for in romantic partners is the type of unconditional love only provided by our mothers.

 

Till you can work out these demons, you'll never see a woman, any woman as capable of loving you.

 

Do your wife a favor Woggle and divorce her, your struggles aren't about her, she's not your ex, she's not your mother and what you're doing is hurting her.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think that woman are monsters with no feelings but I truly do wonder if they are even capable of truly loving a man. I am not talking initial infatuation but true love. What I see does not show me that they are.

 

Are you talking about WOMEN..Or WOMAN..Meaning, you talking about your WIFE here or just in general?

 

I really am trying to understand your mindset and why you're freaking out.

 

Even my father thinks I am being a jerk now. I was explaining to him that my friend is just blowing hot air and he told me my mother said her friends were just expressing their rage and finding themselves and she knows she has a good man at home. We all know what happened next. That being said I value my piece of mind and it is driving me utterly insane wondering when my wife is going to turn on me.

 

Woggle, are you even reading the replies given to you by everyone? Is it falling on deaf ears?

 

I'm gonna say it again..You are the one with the issues, not your wife. You have trust issues STILL and yeah, your marriage IS going to end if you don't stop going down this pathway.

 

Get back to therapy, quickly..

what you're searching for in romantic partners is the type of unconditional love only provided by our mothers.

Problem is, he didn't get that unconditional love from his mother, maybe that's why he's still searching for it.

[Woggle]

I am talking about women in general. I just don't see any proof that they are capable of loving a man. Most women I know hate their husbands and boyfriends guts and it is pretty much the same on here. The only time they ever truly have feelings for a man is when he is married, won't commit or somehow is out of reach. This is because they want the prize to soothe their ego and feel sexy but the minute they have a good man who treats them well they lose attraction and want out. What reason do I have to believe that my marriage will turn out any differently?

[soserious1]

Are you talking about WOMEN..Or WOMAN..Meaning, you talking about your WIFE here or just in general?

 

I really am trying to understand your mindset and why you're freaking out.

 

 

 

Woggle, are you even reading the replies given to you by everyone? Is it falling on deaf ears?

 

I'm gonna say it again..You are the one with the issues, not your wife. You have trust issues STILL and yeah, your marriage IS going to end if you don't stop going down this pathway.

 

Get back to therapy, quickly..

 

Problem is, he didn't get that unconditional love from his mother, maybe that's why he's still searching for it.

 

 

Therapy can help you get to the place where you can cope with mother issues. I didn't have just a crummy marriage, I had a mother who by all appearances seemed to hate me.

It can take a long time, often involving working with 2-3 different therapists by you can come to a place where you come to some acceptance, even some forgiveness towards your mother and learn to give yourself the unconditional love you feel cheated out of.

[threebyfate]

I am talking about women in general. I just don't see any proof that they are capable of loving a man. Most women I know hate their husbands and boyfriends guts and it is pretty much the same on here. The only time they ever truly have feelings for a man is when he is married, won't commit or somehow is out of reach. This is because they want the prize to soothe their ego and feel sexy but the minute they have a good man who treats them well they lose attraction and want out. What reason do I have to believe that my marriage will turn out any differently?

These are just excuses, excuses you cuddle close to you, so you don't have to admit that you're deliberately sabotaging your marriage, not because you believe these things but because you want a single's lifestyle full of younger women, with no responsibilities to anyone. If you admit this, at least I can have a little respect for your honesty, if not any respect for the entire fiasco.

[whichwayisup]

But WHO CARES? Why are you wasting your time and energy on that? What purpose does it serve in your life? Seriously.. What other people do in their life, their choices should NOT affect you! What counts is what goes on behind closed doors with your wife.

 

YOUR WIFE is NOT all those women!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP comparing her to them.

[Woggle]

They are not excuses. The reason I want a player lifestyle is piece of mind. I won't walk around all day wondering if I am going to come homt ot the I love you but I am not in love with you speech.