Wife and I are having problems

[johan]

Believe me I do a good job of hiding the worst from my wife. As fas she knows this was only a disagreement about my friend who I did the right thing about when she told me the whole story.

You did the right thing, in my mind. She doesn't need to deal with all this. There isn't anything she can do about it anyway. It's your responsibility.

 

I don't really want to be a player but it does seem in life like those men are the ones who come out ahead while the good and devoted husbands get cheated on left and right and dumped so a woman can fool around with these same players.

 

They aren't ahead. They are never really known or loved. It is better to have a walk-away wife than it is to never get close to anyone. Not a lot better, but still better. And it is even better still to find a woman who won't walk away. You should have faith that that is what you have.

[threebyfate]

Good question. Why do you try to help when I spew so much venom towards women? I am being serious because I know I would have nothing but hate towards a female version of me and yes I know that is a complete double standard.

I can't answer for everyone on LS, but I see something inside of you that's redeeming. Don't know why but I do.

 

But your lack of appreciation, often open insulting, is the risk I take for believing in you. This is my risk to take and I know it, coming into your threads.

 

Now apply that towards helping your wife and if she will appreciate it. You love her and no offense, but I can't say I love you.

[Sam Spade]

I don't actually agree with how Woogle processes these issues.

The problem is that looking back at what I've observed through my life so far (i.e. not just my personal experiences with women), he's right about many things. My best friend's gf made a pass at me, another friend's gf is making him miserable without understanding for 1 second that she will *never* find a boyfriend so devoted and understanding and emphatetic as he is, my own ex gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, etc. NONE of the guys in my circle of friends have treated their women badly, ever, yet approximately half have relationship problems of various degree (ranging from disrespect, to cheating, to emotional abuse).

 

I consider myself to be in a very good relationship right now and I will take the leap of faith and get married, but you can't just tell him to sweep and ignore the evidence all around us that it is, indeed, a huge leap of faith. You can't just sweep it under the carpet by thinking good thoughts. They say that "Love is the illusion that one woman is different from all others" :laugh:.

 

My point being that while excessively focusing on the negative stuff is not helpful, exageratting the positive stuff doesn't help that much either .

 

I also carry a huge load of negativity towards women, but the way I process it in my relationship is by simply assuming the best, but not hesitating to put my foot down instantly if it actually turns out to be the worst. So, it can be done:).

[Woggle]

I don't actually agree with how Woogle processes these issues.

The problem is that looking back at what I've observed through my life so far (i.e. not just my personal experiences with women), he's right about many things. My best friend's gf made a pass at me, another friend's gf is making him miserable without understanding for 1 second that she will *never* find a boyfriend so devoted and understanding and emphatetic as he is, my own ex gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, etc. NONE of the guys in my circle of friends have treated their women badly, ever, yet approximately half have relationship problems of various degree (ranging from disrespect, to cheating, to emotional abuse).

 

I consider myself to be in a very good relationship right now and I will take the leap of faith and get married, but you can't just tell him to sweep and ignore the evidence all around us that it is, indeed, a huge leap of faith. You can't just sweep it under the carpet by thinking good thoughts. They say that "Love is the illusion that one woman is different from all others" :laugh:.

 

My point being that while excessively focusing on the negative stuff is not helpful, exageratting the positive stuff doesn't help that much either .

 

I also carry a huge load of negativity towards women, but the way I process it in my relationship is by simply assuming the best, but not hesitating to put my foot down instantly if it actually turns out to be the worst. So, it can be done:).

 

I very much agree. Maybe it is not good to be negative against all women and I do understand how a woman who is not like this can be offended but I can't ignore what is around me. I know so many guys who treat women good yet get nothing but grief. I must say that TBF and others in this thread do sound like the good ones and it is very understandable why they would get defensive when men speak about this but myself and Sam Spade are not pulling this out of our butts.

[threebyfate]

I very much agree. Maybe it is not good to be negative against all women and I do understand how a woman who is not like this can be offended but I can't ignore what is around me. I know so many guys who treat women good yet get nothing but grief. I must say that TBF and others in this thread do sound like the good ones and it is very understandable why they would get defensive when men speak about this but myself and Sam Spade are not pulling this out of our butts.

Women aren't all the same, just like men aren't all the same.

 

Learning to differentiate between people who are good for you and others, who aren't, is part of the maturation process in everyone, regardless of gender. Also, everyone has two sides to them, albeit neither black or white.

 

One thing I've learned in life, is when someone appeals to and encourages the darker side in me, I know they're not people I want in my life.

[Woggle]

I must say that it would not be fair for you to take all the anger over your exes betrayel and dump it all on your current husband so I can see how it is unfair to dump all my past hurt's on my wife's lap. If you can get over being hurt by somebody you thought loved you I guess I can.

[threebyfate]

Yes, most definitely you can!!

 

Do you realize exactly how freeing it is, to let go of negativity? To move on and love, trust and respect again? It's like taking a million pounds off your shoulders.

 

All that resentment and hatred, just twists something inside of us. When we let it go, we can breathe again.

[Ariadne]

My point being that while excessively focusing on the negative stuff is not helpful, exageratting the positive stuff doesn't help that much either .

 

I think he'll have to come to terms with his worst scenario.

 

That if the wife cheats/leaves him/doesn't love him anymore it's ok.

 

The moment he accepts that he'll start living.

[Stockalone]

I very much agree. Maybe it is not good to be negative against all women and I do understand how a woman who is not like this can be offended but I can't ignore what is around me. I know so many guys who treat women good yet get nothing but grief. I must say that TBF and others in this thread do sound like the good ones and it is very understandable why they would get defensive when men speak about this but myself and Sam Spade are not pulling this out of our butts.

 

Nobody says those things don't exist.

 

The problem is, you seem to think every last woman on this planet is already or one day will be guilty of what you accuse them all.

 

Be cautious and keep your eyes open. There is nothing wrong with that. But there is a fine line between being realistic and being paranoid. And to be honest, you sometimes sound like a man who lies next to his wife in their marital bed but is afraid to go to sleep because he is convinced his wife will slit his throat as soon as he closes his eyes. That's not being realistic anymore.

 

If your wife doesn't show signs of turning into an evil witch, then treat her as a woman who only shows you love and respect. If you feel disrespected by her, then by all means, stand your ground and tell her you won't accept such behaviour.

[threebyfate]

I think he'll have to come to terms with his worst scenario.

 

That if the wife cheats/leaves him/doesn't love him anymore it's ok.

 

The moment he accepts that he'll start living.

I did that with my H. While I don't believe he's the cheating kind, it's possible he might. No one can predict the future.

 

And yet, I survived and thrived, after my ex-H cheated and will again, 'cause no one will ever hold me down.

[Ariadne]

And yet, I survived and thrived, after my ex-H cheated and will again, 'cause no one will ever hold me down.

 

Yeah, you'd imagine that after going through something like that you'd be cured.

 

In the case of Woggle, he got a little trumatized and seems to want to be in control now.

[Ariadne]

While I don't believe he's the cheating kind, it's possible he might. No one can predict the future.

 

(Amazing as it sounds, if I were to marry DG, I'd know for sure that he'd never touch another woman again for as long as I live and even after. That's the kind of love I believe we had. Too bad).

[threebyfate]

Yeah, you'd imagine that after going through something like that you'd be cured.

 

In the case of Woggle, he got a little trumatized and seems to want to be in control now.

It's a matter of perspective. No one is ever in complete control of a relationship, since there are two individuals involved. You just fuel your portion of the relationship and if your partner is doing so, you'll know, since you're not dragging dead weight. For that matter, Woggle still maintains control of himself, in that he also has the power to walk, if she stops fueling the marriage.

 

Also, look at how his life has improved, after his ex. He's also survived and thrived, in that his life is far, far better, with a far, far better woman. How much more can you get than that? How much more proof does anyone need, that they're strong enough to survive and thrive again? Believe in yourself.

[threebyfate]

(Amazing as it sounds, if I were to marry DG, I'd know for sure that he'd never touch another woman again for as long as I live and even after. That's the kind of love I believe we had. Too bad).

Well that's what I believe of H. He's so different than the ex, in that he's solid inside. But if I'm wrong, I'll live, as Woggle will live, if he's wrong and as you would live, if you're wrong.

[deux ex machina]

You're in a cage. You get food and water and light and all of those things that allow you to survive. Not living, but surviving.

 

It's not enough.

You are still in a cage.

 

Yet the cage has a door, and the door is open.

 

The cage is right near - right by a window. And you look out of that window and you see what you want.

 

You want to get out and see what is going on out there, you know it's better. It's living, and it's vital. Man doesn't live by bread alone.

 

But it's safe in the cage and it's the devil you know...

 

So you look out at all that is living and vital and disparage it.

However, you are smart enough to know that everything you are telling yourself is not quite true. Thus the inner conflict.

 

I am telling you that you have a safe place. It's there. Trust in yourself.

 

You can, if you want to, get out of the cage, and keep trying.

 

Get out of your comfort zone and do it anyway.

 

Circle around, get used to how different it feels (not bad, although it may manifest itself that way sometimes), and you can come back, each time.

Your safe place is still there, and you get to living - not merely surviving.

 

Each time you experience getting out of it, you will become more trusting. Of living, and of being safe. Most of all, you get to trust yourself.

 

The only way is to actually practice it.

 

Also, the only way I could figure out to describe this is via metaphor.

It's actually based on a Sufi legend that I barely recall.

 

I don't have the time to make it pretty or edit it. So it kind of blows! Anyway, I hope you enjoy your bedtime story.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, progress was made here with Wogs overnight! I'm happy..There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

[whichwayisup]

To be honest there are also times when I feel I am too messed up to ever have a normal relationship. I have thought that maybe I should find some misandrist as screwed up as I am and we can both abuse the hell out of each other. I wonder if I am sometimes damaged to the point of no return.

 

You may always have some triggers, bad memories, but what you can do is, learn to control your reaction to stuff from your painful past.

 

You ARE capable of a having a healthy relationship. You're in one now. Just don't have faith/trust in it fully.

 

I want to but if I do will she even appreciate it?

Ofcourse she'd appreciate it. Why wouldn't she?

 

Good question. Why do you try to help when I spew so much venom towards women? I am being serious because I know I would have nothing but hate towards a female version of me and yes I know that is a complete double standard.

 

I help because I want to. Because I see more than meets the eye. I don't know you personally, but in the years you've posted here on LS, your personality shines through. And you're honest.. Doesn't matter how many threads you start about this stuff, most around here have your back and it's good you feel safe enough to open up about your pain and hurt.

 

Like everyone else, we all have issues, insecurities, fears.. Noone is perfect and has the perfect life either.

[amerikajin]

Woggle, you're taking the worst from your past and using that to destroy the best of what you have in the present. If you continue down this road, you are going to die a lonely, miserable, bitter man. I feel your pain about relationships, but you have two choices: either stay or go. But you can't expect your wife to hang around you if you approach her in this way.

[Island Girl]

Woggle, you're taking the worst from your past and using that to destroy the best of what you have in the present. If you continue down this road, you are going to die a lonely, miserable, bitter man. I feel your pain about relationships, but you have two choices: either stay or go. But you can't expect your wife to hang around you if you approach her in this way.

 

Very good post AK. Well said.

[Woggle]

I tried the fake it till you make it approach tonight and it went well. I was very loving towards my wife tonight and I gave the waitress a big tip and it went well. One thing I notice is that after I lash out at a stranger or throw misogynistic bombs on a message I feel great for about on hour and then I feel worse than I did before. I will give this approach a try and see if it works.

[Ariadne]

Blessings Woggle

[quankanne]

I can't ignore what is around me

 

no, you can't. But a person can rise above the negative crap if he/she so chooses. Think of all those folks who've been stomped on by love ... and who pick themselves up, dust themselves off, then eventually go through the process again. They refuse to wallow in the pain and hurt because they understand there's something better out there waiting for them.

 

and I hope you can come to terms with that mindset, because you're killing yourself, Woggle ... and you deserve better than that.

[Woggle]

True but it really doesn't help that it feels so right. It truly does feel like the way I view and the way I view gender relations is how it really is. It seems as clear as day to me but I am going to stop being ready to strike at a 2nds notice when a woman slights me. Maybe I am delusional and my scars keep me from seeing anything but the negative. Even my closest friend I have known since high school thinks I have a seriously warped version of life and him I would trust with my life. It is just really hard to see things different when negativity is all you see.

[freestyle]

True but it really doesn't help that it feels so right. It truly does feel like the way I view and the way I view gender relations is how it really is. It seems as clear as day to me but I am going to stop being ready to strike at a 2nds notice when a woman slights me. Maybe I am delusional and my scars keep me from seeing anything but the negative. Even my closest friend I have known since high school thinks I have a seriously warped version of life and him I would trust with my life. It is just really hard to see things different when negativity is all you see.

 

 

Woggle,dear..............

 

Please go back and re-read post#340, by deux. She gave you an excellent

and insightful analogy .

[johan]

I tried the fake it till you make it approach tonight and it went well. I was very loving towards my wife tonight and I gave the waitress a big tip and it went well. One thing I notice is that after I lash out at a stranger or throw misogynistic bombs on a message I feel great for about on hour and then I feel worse than I did before. I will give this approach a try and see if it works.

 

I don't recommend it.