My Mother is very ill..mentally

[Lauriebell82]

How long have they lived apart?

 

If he never wants to be around her, I can see why she has started to check up on him. If she is mentally ill, evading her feeds the suspicious thoughts.

 

If she isn't mentally ill.......

 

What does he DO while he is gone many states away (at night)?

 

I'm just sayin.......

 

About a year now. He has gone down there periodically to visit her just so she isn't completely alone. He has gone through hell though. It's actually HER choice to be down there, that's the weird thing. She always says how much she can't stand him and wants to divorce him but she still feels the need to track his every move.

[Lauriebell82]

As a therapist who believes the person who brought them in to this world is literally mentally ill, I'm honestly really surprised at your reaction. The whole wedding dress thing sounded more like a tantrum (on your part) rather than the antics of a mentally ill person.

 

I hope you are joking about this, seriously.

 

A mistake thread, whoops.

[TwinkletOes26]

I dont think people understand treating a diagnosing someone is different than having to deal with them on a daily basis. Theres a reason therapist arent allowed to treat family and friends. You are too close to the situation and between treating them and dealing with them you yourself might end up having a mental break.

 

I dont think that anyone here should be judging lb and her situation bc you have no idea what its like for her day to day to deal with her mother. Its really easy to tell someone that they arent being supportive ect ect ect especially when you are not there to see the day to day interaction and the history lb has had with her mother.

 

 

DISCLAIMER : not being rude or ugly to anyone just giving my opinon.

[Mary3]

I feel so very sad for your mom.

 

Imagine yourself being mentally ill, no drugs seem to tame it , no doctor seems to correct it , no family members want to deal with you , you have delusions of your husband cheating and your own daughter is angry at you.

 

I had a best friend who was hospitalized 9 times with Schitzophrenia . The ONE thing she needed was to feel grounded by someone who would stand by her regardless of anything. I finally got her on SS and she eventually got the right meds. Its a lifelong task.

 

I would say to empathize with your mom when you just want to pull your heart out.

I can't do that with my mom . She died . You can't imagine what that feels like to have ( in my case ) both parents deceased. Once you lose your parents you lose ALOT , like unconditional love and so much more.

[Star Gazer]

I hope you are joking about this, seriously.

 

Of course I wasn't joking, LB. This isn't a joking matter at all.

 

I really feel for your mother. Not to say that your situation is an easy one, but if she's truly ill, she needs your support.

[tinktronik]

LB, I sympathize completely. As an adult woman the best thing I ever did was to extricate myself from contact from my mentally ill mother. I did not see her for 10 years and have only recently spoken to her in the last couple of years and very sporadically. When it comes down to it, you really have to do what's best for you.

 

If your mother wants help and asks for it get her help. BUT if she is not interested in help you have no reason to stay and take her abuse, it won't do any good. The stress and absolute drama that becomes of your own life [like a bizarre, sad, out of control circus] is just too much and as long as you continue to partake in the relationship without her fighting for herself, you won't do anything but suffer.

Edited November 11, 2009 by tinktronik

[Mary3]

I think the thing to understand about the Mentally Ill is that their reasoning and logic are sometimes out the window....

 

Meaning : If they need to take their meds at 5:00 and don't remember , or feel like it , or don't understand the real need for it , then they are likely to not take it at all. And hence you have an unmedicated person who needed it but now its 2 hours later and their malady is out of control.

 

So once again I go back to a caring adult who can make sure they take their meds ( Yes ,my friend did not want to take it and it took some convincing ) But you are not dealing with a * sound * person here in the first place.

 

So if you have a reactive patient with a real illness how can you say that you are tired of dealing with them ?

 

Is their illness any different from say Diabetes ? They too eat the wrong foods , don't take their prick tests , don't always alert others that they are having a sugar reaction , dont always take their shots . Obviously the Diabetic has more common sense than the mentally ill but both diseases require diligence and attention to the illness.

 

They commit offenses ( the mentally ill ) and everyone wants to punish them but they have no clear sound mind to make the right decisions. I know not everyone will have the patience but really if everyone abandons them and shakes their head , giving up , where does this leave the MI ?

 

Not only a friend but a boyfriend had a mental illness too and its out of love that you try to help them. Not saying anyone here does not love their family member but don't you feel the love you have for them is the driving force to not seeing them end up in some facility ?

[TwinkletOes26]

Being tired of dealing with a high stress situation such as dealing with someone with a MI is human nature. The issue is if someone who is MI refuses to take their meds just like a person who has diabetes can refuse to their meds and stay on a strict diet theres only so much nudging you can do. You cant treat them like children you cant MAKE them do anything they dont want to do. There comes a time when you have to let them alone OR get someone who can handle them professionally.

 

People are on here acting like they would do this or that if they were in LB's shoes but truth be told every situation is different. Its kinda hard to judge when you are not in Lb's shoes.

 

I personally think that the best thing for you to do LB is take a break feed your mom out of a long handled spoon for a bit. Still call and check on her but dont go hang out if you get what i mean. Everyone needs a mental health day and honestly after all the crap LB has been through I think the poor girl deserves it.

 

I think Lb should be getting support here instead of being kicked whilst she is down. I certainly hope when others come on here needing to vent about dealing with someone who is mentally ill in their life they recieve a little more support and understanding.

 

Disclaimer : MY opinon not aiming anything at anyone

[Lauriebell82]

So my mom is getting worse..much worse. My dad said that someone called the cops last night because they were screaming so loud and a policeman came to my parents at 5 am.

 

My dad told me he is filing for divorce.

[threebyfate]

Lb, I also completely sympathize with you. As previously mentioned, my cousin lived through something similar and to this day, is still messed up badly.

 

I'm sorry to hear that your parents are getting divorced, although I don't blame your father, either, for not being able to handle her mental illness, an illness that makes him "the enemy". No one should be forced to live in a life of emotional abuse.

 

I also don't point the finger at your mother. She's mentally ill. The only problem is that she's the only person who can fix herself, by accepting that she's got a problem and agreeing to ongoing treatment. Without her active participation, no one can help her. Having a mental illness doesn't equate to a free pass to emotionally abuse others.

[TwinkletOes26]

Thank you three this is what i was saying. Just because someone is mentally ill doesnt mean they get a free pass to act any kind of way they wish. Theres only so much someone can take even if it is your parent.

 

This is why I didnt understand why some were saying LB wasnt being supportive. In my opinon i think LB went above and beyond supportive. Dont feel bad lb you and your father are doing the best you know how. Chin up girly :D:bunny:

[V.Vixen]

I am sorry. My mom is bipolar and has been up and down and hospitalized all of my life. It's really tough sometimes. I have distanced myself from her a great deal and it makes me very sad, but I had to do it for my own sanity.

 

If you need to talk please PM me here anytime.

 

 

Hugs to you..

Edited November 15, 2009 by V.Vixen

[torranceshipman]

Hi LaurieBell,

So sorry to hear you are going through this...2 people in my family have Paranoid Schizophrenia, which another poster suggested might be the issue (or poss. bipolar, etc)...I agree that it could well be. This might be the cause of her behavior. She might also be just a generally unpleasant person (lol...basic but true) and while I certainly don't think you should disown her, it might be a great thing for your sanity to distance yourself from her. It's just not healthy to be around someone like that (I was when younger, when I was too young to leave home, and it was miserable-if you CAN distance yourself for your own good, do it).

 

Medical treatment WILL work to an extent - at least, medication (the right medication) is absolutely vital though she might not agree to get help.

 

I am very let down to hear that your boyfriend doesn't like you talking about this - he needs to be supportive.

 

Hope that helps....

[torranceshipman]

I just read through the whole post and LaurieBell, it sounds like you are doing everything right and being very supportive - and really, do not listen to any poster that is giving you a bit of a kicking. They have no idea what it is like to be in your shoes, but I can really understand what you're going through. Sadly you might need to hospitalize her - we had to section people in the family when they wouldn't get help themselves. It's really painful, but after taking family members to psych's etc, we weren't getting anywhere either until we had to (sadly) force the treatment. We couldnt have been more supportive of our family members in this situation but that didnt in any way stop their very nasty downward spiral.

 

I'm not surprised about the divorce, but if your mum recovers (sometimes this can be a psychotic breakdown and it doesnt happen again - meds are required to help with treatment and recovery tho), then I would bet money that your parents will find eachother again...mental illness is a ridiculously hard thing to cope with and people, no matter how well wishing they are, really cannot understand how it impacts you/your family unless they have directly experienced it for themselves.

[GorillaTheater]

I agree with the posts encouraging you to put some distance between you and your mom. I had to do the same years ago, and I do not consider myself weak or unsupportive. But however strong and sypathetic/empathetic I was, it wasn't enough. Dealing with people with serious mental health issues takes "hard" to whole new levels, and after a while it sucks the life out of you.

 

My dad dealt with it by blocking the problem, by not "making eye contact" with it, so to speak. It's a trait that unfortunately I've found in myself, to my detriment, in "dealing" with some of the curveballs life has thrown at me. I mention that only for the reason that perhaps your dad has done the same for a long time, and it may be a trait you need to watch out for in yourself.

 

Hugs, kid. And I wish you the very best of luck.

[whichwayisup]

How old is your mom? And how long has this been going on? It also (could be) an early sign of Alzheimer's disease or demensia.

 

This isn't going to be easy, on you and the rest of the family.

 

Has she been totally assessed? Like had a hospital stay for 72 hours?

[carhill]

OP, my sympathies. As a caregiver for someone with terminal psychotic dementia, I've seen a lot; more than I care to in a lifetime

 

A couple of questions:

 

Is the bulk of your mother's irrationality directed at your father?

 

How does she interact with strangers?

 

Is she physically violent?

 

 

IMO, and I totally respect your perspective, I would counsel against abandoning her (like breaking contact and your father divorcing her). She's family and I assume brought you into this world. That has value.

 

A lot of why my stbx and I are getting a divorce had to do with our differing perspectives regarding and the dynamic of my mother's care. I wouldn't want to see that happen to you, especially so young.

 

How old is your mother? I didn't see that.

 

Based on the tone of your post regarding her behaviors, she sounds a lot like some of the patients I've seen who have frontal lobe diseases. The key difference is that their behaviors are global and not focused on one or a few people. That's why I asked about the dynamic regarding her anger and paranoia.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[whichwayisup]

That's why I asked about the dynamic regarding her anger and paranoia.

My H's mom had this and the anger outbursts, confusion, paranoia was there too..

My friends mom has this as well, same thing, anger bursts, irrational, hard to deal with, rude, up and down, almost bi polar like.

 

Sounds like she needs to be in a home rather than your dad divorce her and the whole family needs to band together and keep looking until you find the right dr to help her.

[carhill]

I agree and had to take that step finally, but I am curious how mom's 'stuff' here seem to be mostly focused on her dad. I've seen the inside of psychosis, paraphrenia, delusions, hallucinations and the like and they are global, not focused on one person. I've worked with schizophrenics. They don't discriminate in their delusions. Everyone gets a piece. This just sounds too singular. I'll re-read some of the posts; maybe I'm missing something.

 

IME, consistently administered anti-psychotic medications were the only way to control my mom once it got bad. I still deal with that as her care manager. Even with the meds, she'll still yell and strike out. It's a delicate balance between violence and zombie and it takes good people to deal with that every day.

 

My best current advice for the OP, along with figuring out some way to get her mom evaluated by the proper psychometric team, would be to 'go with the flow'; a technique of agreement and re-direction we use with dementia and psychiatric cases. Engage, agree and re-direct. The sky is orange....yes, it is; how lovely; look at this flower, what color is it?

 

Anyway, I managed to get through it without meds and without psychological training like the OP has, but it cost me my marriage. Hope she does much better

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks for the help everyone. My fiance is seeing the toll this is taking on me and he has been very supportive and is trying to listen without getting upset. It helps.

 

Anyway, to answer some of the questions that were asked. My mom just turned 54. She has been having these issues for the past 6 years after she went on the drug Adoral. When she first went on that drug she REALLY went psychotic, she was saying that US Airways (she was a flight attendent and got laid off) was in a consipracy against her and that they were "watching her." Like real weird stuff. After she went off the drug she got a little better, her delusions weren't "quite" so out there. They turned into more paranoia type thoughts (my dad is cheating, doing drugs, ect.)

 

Most of her irrational thoughts are directed at my dad, however she has turned on my sister and I also. She has said that we are enabling my dad and not telling her "the truth about him." She has literally screamed and yelled at us for betraying her.

 

It's weird becomes she comes in and out of it, like once minute she is alright then the next she is irrational again. She actually went almost a year without having any psychotic thoughts until she came back up here from South Carolina. Then she went crazy again and hasn't come back (which was at the end of August).

 

My dad went to see a divorce lawyer yesterday.

[shadowplay]

Lb, look up Paranoid Schizophrenia. Your mother is showing the classic symptoms for this. Does she ever hear voices and are these voices telling her things?

 

My aunt by marriage has this and has been doing well for years now, with drug treatment. It took years to find the right combination of drugs that work for her. There really is hope out there.

 

She could also be bipolar, if the episodes are more cyclical. Paranoia is a common feature of mania.

[shadowplay]

Private psychologists/psychiatrists have told us that they can't take her case because it is "not their speciality." We have considered hospitilizing her, however we don't know how much good it will do. She would never agree to go and if we did even have grounds to 302 her, she would act normal and they would let her go.

 

She obviously needs to be on some sort of medication. Personally, I'd have her institutionalized so her illness could be properly diagnosed and treated. It sounds like an emergency.

[shadowplay]

So my mom is getting worse..much worse. My dad said that someone called the cops last night because they were screaming so loud and a policeman came to my parents at 5 am.

 

My dad told me he is filing for divorce.

 

Please, please get her hospitalized. She's a danger to herself and others. Nowadays the turnover rate at institutions is pretty quick (where back int he day they usually had to stay for several months or years). At least she'd get a diagnosis and treatment plan.

[shadowplay]

Thanks for the help everyone. My fiance is seeing the toll this is taking on me and he has been very supportive and is trying to listen without getting upset. It helps.

 

Anyway, to answer some of the questions that were asked. My mom just turned 54. She has been having these issues for the past 6 years after she went on the drug Adoral. When she first went on that drug she REALLY went psychotic, she was saying that US Airways (she was a flight attendent and got laid off) was in a consipracy against her and that they were "watching her." Like real weird stuff. After she went off the drug she got a little better, her delusions weren't "quite" so out there. They turned into more paranoia type thoughts (my dad is cheating, doing drugs, ect.)

 

Most of her irrational thoughts are directed at my dad, however she has turned on my sister and I also. She has said that we are enabling my dad and not telling her "the truth about him." She has literally screamed and yelled at us for betraying her.

 

It's weird becomes she comes in and out of it, like once minute she is alright then the next she is irrational again. She actually went almost a year without having any psychotic thoughts until she came back up here from South Carolina. Then she went crazy again and hasn't come back (which was at the end of August).

 

My dad went to see a divorce lawyer yesterday.

 

Sounds like bipolar since she goes up and down and the fact that adderall aggravated her illness. It can induce manic episodes in people who are bioplar.

[Ariadne]

She has been having these issues for the past 6 years after she went on the drug Adoral. When she first went on that drug she REALLY went psychotic..

 

(Be careful who you trust people).

 

Sorry about your mom and the divorce LB.