We were both married... I told his wife and it ended really, really badly!

[aussiegirl66]

ok, so question is, if you are sexually incompatible, and you have the attitude that what you do(i.e. cheating) has "nothing to do with" your husband......then why aren't you looking at divorce?

 

Hey Dexter....I think I have outlined my reasons for not wanting a divorce in an earlier reply to your post, but in a nutshell, the reason is that the marriage is basically good and we get on with each other, which is no mean feat nowadays. If you wish me to respect my husband by never having sex with strange men and developing an exclusive relationship with my sex toys, then I can't promise that. At times, my body craves more.

 

Man, you are one persistent dude on here. Will ya please chill out on me?

[anne1707]

If you wish me to respect my husband by never having sex with strange men and developing an exclusive relationship with my sex toys, then I can't promise that. At times, my body craves more.

 

 

Dexter's being persistent because he calls it as he sees it. But just because he can be almost brutal at times does not mean he is wrong (and I am speaking from experience here - I have been on the receiving end of his criticism more than once).

 

Apologies if I have missed this in any of the posts on here but have you and your husband had any form of counselling whether it be marriage or sex counselling. Surely you can see you should be looking for solutions WITHIN your marriage rather than "having sex with strange men". If you are opting for the latter, has your husband agreed that this is acceptable to him? Is he going to have sex with other women? How do you feel about that?

 

Final thing - you actually said the word in your post but I want you to clarify.

 

Do you respect your husband?

[aussiegirl66]

Dexter's being persistent because he calls it as he sees it. But just because he can be almost brutal at times does not mean he is wrong (and I am speaking from experience here - I have been on the receiving end of his criticism more than once).

 

Apologies if I have missed this in any of the posts on here but have you and your husband had any form of counselling whether it be marriage or sex counselling. Surely you can see you should be looking for solutions WITHIN your marriage rather than "having sex with strange men". If you are opting for the latter, has your husband agreed that this is acceptable to him? Is he going to have sex with other women? How do you feel about that?

 

Final thing - you actually said the word in your post but I want you to clarify.

 

Do you respect your husband?

 

Hi Anne, thanks for your post. I understand what Dexter is asking, but he is relentlessly pursuing me for the "right" answers, which I am not sure I am prepared to give now. To answer your question, we have not had sex or marriage counselling and it is something I will consider having with my husband, including bringing the issue of me having sex with other men out into the open with him, when I see my therapist. He is not going to have sex with other women, because I have asked him and he says he does not feel the need to. I feel like I have disrespected my husband, and that the best thing all around for me may be to "come clean" about the type of marriage with him that I can tolerate.

[anne1707]

So basically it is all on your terms and your husband has to put up with it. Doesn't sound like a marriage to me. Please do him a favour and get a divorce.

[aussiegirl66]

So basically it is all on your terms and your husband has to put up with it. Doesn't sound like a marriage to me. Please do him a favour and get a divorce.

 

Anne, what do you want me to say? I said I would discuss coming clean with my husband about my extra-marital sex with my therapist. My husband doesn't want to do counselling, he just wants me to be happy the way things are, or initiate sex with him, which I find hard to do. Why do you say it has to be on my terms, when he is not the one with the problem. My husband won't need to put up with anything if he is agreeable to the lifestyle that I think is the best for both our needs and which can still maintain a happy marriage.

[anne1707]

I feel like I have disrespected my husband, and that the best thing all around for me may be to "come clean" about the type of marriage with him that I can tolerate.

 

My husband won't need to put up with anything if he is agreeable to the lifestyle that I think is the best for both our needs and which can still maintain a happy marriage.

 

 

This is why I think it is on your terms. - what you can tolerate, what you want, and he has to agree.

[aussiegirl66]

This is why I think it is on your terms. - what you can tolerate, what you want, and he has to agree.

 

Anne, O.K. - understood. Thanks for the feedback and criticism.

[anne1707]

I take it from your perfunctory response that my comments are noted and then ignored.

 

If you come to LS and only listen to those who support your viewpoint, you will achieve nothing. People post because they feel they can offer you some insight - often because of their own personal experience. I certainly found tough love on LS and at times did get defensive but that was often because I knew posters were right and I was wrong. You will gain so much more from LS if you are less dismissive of those who criticise.

[bubblegum]

 

To answer your question, I have had alot of trouble concentrating on my studies. Firstly, I have taken on too much, wanting to maximise my time at uni this semester, when I didn't need to and secondly, I find myself being absorbed in these posts, to the detriment of study, the latter which I think is not as important as trying to get a handle on my pain and struggle. Also, I guess that is only human nature that we find ourselves and others' the most interesting objects of study (either that or I am in the wrong field/fields of study or perhaps that is my personality disorder too....lol). I also have strange sleep patterns, feeling tired for a little bit, but not being able to sleep at night, then logging on to read and respond to these posts, then struggling to get to classes even though they begin at 11 am, because I need to sleep-in in the morning.

 

I also feel in this "void" in my life...not thinking of him or anyone else filling it, but feeling that way despite trying to cram as much into my life as I can possibly manage (and I know that others do alot more than I do).

 

I agree with what you say, the problem is that I don't see any other way of interpreting my interaction with this man as other than as distressing - it was and is still distressing and will be forever - compounding what I did in the past, he found my latest behaviour distressing. This is the correct way of looking at it, isn't it? - there is no other way of looking at it or of 'reframing' my thoughts.

 

I just can't see any way of me feeling better about it, therapy or not. Perhaps, just like with the man in the UK, I will finally realise and accept that I only had myself to blame for the escalation, perhaps, but I doubt it.

 

My only saving grace this episode is that firstly, I didn't react as badly as I could have to the letter from my mobile phone company - I certainly didn't cause him any trouble after receiving it and thanks largely to the efforts of these posters, I will not never contact him again.

 

You will reframe this whole thing with this man eventually, just as you did with the man in the UK. You are not so different than anyone who feels heartbroken - at those moments of lowness we simply can't imagine ourself ever feeling any other way. But we eventually do!

 

Look, you already have changed some behavior, as you described above - you didn't cause him any trouble after receiving the mobile phone company letter. Now you must mourn, grieve, get through your anger, wish you'd done things differently, get angry some more, feel depressed - over and over until your brain eventually tires of it, and one day you'll realize it isn't occupying as much of your time as it used to, and the feelings associated aren't as intense and immobilizing. You've done it before, you'll do it again. (I'm not trying to minimize the difference between the thing with this man and the UK man, or equating how you felt about UK man with the strength of your feelings for this man - I'm just pointing out that WE ALL feel we'll never get through heartache and feeling blotted out by someone we had intense feelings for. But we do.) It will NOT be forever as you stated above. Proof of this? You've already changed how you reacted to things. You've already changed how "forever" will be.

[stillafool]

stillafool.. lol...well you were spot on! Regarding your friend, well Lol...well sorry, it is hypocritical for me to laugh at the misfortune of others...I have often wondered how much of a "Ram" I really am though...I try to accept defeat in other areas of my life more gracefully, though. With regard to other characteristics of Arians, I may be stubborn, but I am not a natural leader, I am more of a follower and I don't think I have other Arian traits like arrogance and that is why I think I probably have quite a bit of Piscean in me and I wish I was another star sign besides Aries at times!. The two men I obsessed about who blew me off were Capricorns so I think the combo of Arian woman and Capricorn male must be a real dangerous mix. Stick to gentle Virgoan men (like hubby) for me, I think!

 

Also, I think the American expression of "being thrown under a bus" for not giving a damn about someone, or dropping them without explanation is rather harsh, but in a strange way, amusing. This is the correct interpretation, isn't it?

 

When I say "throw them under the bus" I mean that as "put all the blame on them" not that they don't care for them.

 

I wish I weren't a Libra so I could make up my mind faster. It's funny that you call your Virgo husband gentle as my experience with my Ex (who was a Virgo) was nothing like that. He went on the marry an Aries woman. Interesting. My friend "the bunny boiler" did get over that MM and is now obscessed about another one. She poked holes in his condom and is now pregnant with his kid. Oh she has her ways of doing things!

[MSUE]

throwing someone under the bus means

One is thrown under the bus when they are made the scapegoat or blamed for something that wasn't their responsibility in the first place. A coverup for your mistake.

 

to sacrifice some other person, usually one who is undeserving or at least vulnerable, to make personal gain.

 

http://www.urbandictionary.com

[aussiegirl66]

I take it from your perfunctory response that my comments are noted and then ignored.

 

If you come to LS and only listen to those who support your viewpoint, you will achieve nothing. People post because they feel they can offer you some insight - often because of their own personal experience. I certainly found tough love on LS and at times did get defensive but that was often because I knew posters were right and I was wrong. You will gain so much more from LS if you are less dismissive of those who criticise.

 

Anne, I understand you believe my comment was perfunctory, but the flippancy (I can't think of a better word and I am not good with words) of comment to just spare my husband and divorce him is something that I just can't take. I almost feel as if posters like you and Dexter are just like vultures preying on the empty carcass that is my life right now after the other posters have left. I know that sounds harsh, but that is how I feel.

 

Yes, I understand that I brought this all on my myself, but strangely, there is no criticism about the xMM, he can happily go on with his life, love and make love to his wife and two kids and screw around who he wants who he knows he can handle. Life is good to him as long as he is not reminded of me. I am having enough trouble dealing with this fact now while at the same time being forced to consider divorcing my husband.

 

I have read and been as thankful as I can to the other posters and taken their advice on board as best as I can, while still hurting over the actions of this man. I can't take any more.

[aussiegirl66]

When I say "throw them under the bus" I mean that as "put all the blame on them" not that they don't care for them.

 

I wish I weren't a Libra so I could make up my mind faster. It's funny that you call your Virgo husband gentle as my experience with my Ex (who was a Virgo) was nothing like that. He went on the marry an Aries woman. Interesting. My friend "the bunny boiler" did get over that MM and is now obscessed about another one. She poked holes in his condom and is now pregnant with his kid. Oh she has her ways of doing things!

 

Wow...stillafool, yeah I wouldn't put much 'faith' in Astrology, but sometimes the information we gain can be rather astounding can't it? I think it is because as humans we share so much in common, rather than it be because of some planetary alignment at some point in time! Though, I think I read somewhere about an Aries woman with a Virgo man being rather drab in the bedroom, but who really knows?

 

I can understand the twisted ways of your "bunny boiler" friend and doing what she has done out of real desperation and I only feel pity. I must admit that I have had crazy thoughts myself sometimes out of sheer desperation but I would not go to such lengths as she has to procure someone for myself like that, now. It sounds as though she has to live life on some emotional rollercoaster ride, taking anyone she can find with her. Ah well, life is meant to be lived and experienced to the full, and she is surely doing that, so can you blame her?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Anne, I understand you believe my comment was perfunctory, but the flippancy (I can't think of a better word and I am not good with words) of comment to just spare my husband and divorce him is something that I just can't take. I almost feel as if posters like you and Dexter are just like vultures preying on the empty carcass that is my life right now after the other posters have left. I know that sounds harsh, but that is how I feel.

 

Yes, I understand that I brought this all on my myself, but strangely, there is no criticism about the xMM, he can happily go on with his life, love and make love to his wife and two kids and screw around who he wants who he knows he can handle. Life is good to him as long as he is not reminded of me. I am having enough trouble dealing with this fact now while at the same time being forced to consider divorcing my husband.

 

I have read and been as thankful as I can to the other posters and taken their advice on board as best as I can, while still hurting over the actions of this man. I can't take any more.

 

...hmmmm but when do you take responsibility of your actions? You wanna blame the OM, but yet you was in control of your actions at the time. He didnt put the gun to your head and forced your legs open. it was a willing choice! Stop being so focused on what happened and focus on the why it happened. Own up to it. instead of dwelling and crying on something that you allowed to happen on your watch.

 

Take responsibility for your actions...

[aussiegirl66]

throwing someone under the bus means

One is thrown under the bus when they are made the scapegoat or blamed for something that wasn't their responsibility in the first place. A coverup for your mistake.

 

to sacrifice some other person, usually one who is undeserving or at least vulnerable, to make personal gain.

 

www.urbandictionary.com

 

MSUE, thanks hon..I think I understand what that means. It is probably one of those expressions that hasn't reached here yet, I am not sure. Makes me wonder though, whether this MM "threw me under a bus" to cover up his internet activity after having to explain it all to his wife after my phone call. My gut instinct is that he did.

[MSUE]

OK I"LL SAY IT ALL OVER AGAIN

 

They do not have a traditional marriage...they are both on the same page it has been an understanding between the two of them and yes they love each other dearly in their own way...

 

just because their marriage isn't like some people around here have or the concept of it... does not mean she should divorce him...they have an untraditional marriage and that's ok too!!! what's so difficult to understand about that?

 

 

I know I'm going to get rocks thrown at me...but I feel like this needs to be highlighted...

[aussiegirl66]

...hmmmm but when do you take responsibility of your actions? You wanna blame the OM, but yet you was in control of your actions at the time. He didnt put the gun to your head and forced your legs open. it was a willing choice! Stop being so focused on what happened and focus on the why it happened. Own up to it. instead of dwelling and crying on something that you allowed to happen on your watch.

 

Take responsibility for your actions...

 

Chrome, I am taking responsibility for my actions, this OM couldn't and won't for his...he just blew me off, threw me under a bus as far as his wife was concerned, and gave me the silent treatment. Whether he did this to preserve his marriage or because he wants to find someone else, or both, either way he wins and emerges relatively unscathed. I was not so lucky. Really Nice. Life wasn't meant to be easy or fair and I accept that.

 

And you are right, he didn't force my legs open, literally as well as figuratively as there was no sexual relationship. I do think about why it happened, I would be foolish not to.

[aussiegirl66]

OK I"LL SAY IT ALL OVER AGAIN

 

They do not have a traditional marriage...they are both on the same page it has been an understanding between the two of them and yes they love each other dearly in their own way...

 

just because their marriage isn't like some people around here have or the concept of it... does not mean she should divorce him...they have an untraditional marriage and that's ok too!!! what's so difficult to understand about that?

 

 

I know I'm going to get rocks thrown at me...but I feel like this needs to be highlighted...

 

MSUE, honey calm down...I appreciate what you are doing, but you don't get what they are saying. What they are saying, I believe is this:-

 

1) I don't have sex with my husband and he doesn't have sex with me and that seems to kinda work in maintaining the status quo of our marriage. However, it leaves me unhappy.

 

2) I deal with #1 by screwing around behind my husband's back, when I can, (and BTW to the other poster, no, I don't go to bars or clubs to pick up men, that is not my scene)....

 

3) a) Most posters CAN'T accept #2 because it is morally reprehensible, breaks my marital vows and is disrespectful of my husband.

 

3) b) Other posters CAN accept me doing #2 if I told my husband and hence had some kind of "open marriage" whereby my husband somehow was forced to accept it (he would never willingly accept it, I mean not many men would wan't their wife to have this lifestyle).

 

However, other posters CAN'T accept 3) b) either, because it is marriage on "my terms" and not his.

 

Therefore, because it seems the majority of posters don't accept either

3) a) or 3) b) as an equitable and just solution for all, the best solution is for me to divorce him. Does that make sense hon?

[MSUE]

LOL

 

yes and no...I'm going to need a beer I think LOL

[fooled once]

Well Trojan John, it probably was me, you are a very smart gentleman. I was waiting how long it would take someone to "twig". I did not change my screen name as I have nothing to hide. Yes, I was seriously obsessed with a man from the UK who I met from the same adult site. For a great deal of time I felt he had hurt me, but that was my first experience of obsession with a man and I vowed it would be the last and regardless, with a great deal of extremely hard and painful self-examination, therapy and reading leading into better insight into what motivated me, I only blame myself for the outcome of that situation now. I have no bitterness towards him, only a very mild caring and respect and after a while I did contact him again to apologise properly and he said he understood and wished me well. He also said that he did not want me to contact him again as he was now remarried. Whether that is the truth or not, I don't care anymore - I have respected his wishes.

 

I did not want this type of situation to happen again when I met the local guy, though at least this man was kind enough to send me an email asking me to leave him alone, after some time, which I did. At the time I felt the final email from him was cruel, but at least he finally respected my need to know. Yes I was seriously obsessed over him, but I got over him in time. In hindsight, he (the UK guy) was alot kinder than the local guy in some respects.

 

I can't believe no one said anything about this --

 

Aussiegirl has done this TWICE to men - stalked them and wouldn't take NO for an answer.

 

Seriously AG, you don't think you need inpatient treatment because of your actions? You have met 2 men on sites and both men have been subjected to you constantly trying to get ahold of them, not taking NO for an answer, etc..... Both men have asked you to leave them alone and NEITHER time did you respect their wishes immediately?

 

And you are STILL blaming this 2nd OM

 

Chrome, I am taking responsibility for my actions, this OM couldn't and won't for his...he just blew me off, threw me under a bus as far as his wife was concerned, and gave me the silent treatment. Whether he did this to preserve his marriage or because he wants to find someone else, or both, either way he wins and emerges relatively unscathed. I was not so lucky. Really Nice. Life wasn't meant to be easy or fair and I accept that.

 

and

 

Yes, I understand that I brought this all on my myself, but strangely, there is no criticism about the xMM, he can happily go on with his life, love and make love to his wife and two kids and screw around who he wants who he knows he can handle. Life is good to him as long as he is not reminded of me. I am having enough trouble dealing with this fact now while at the same time being forced to consider divorcing my husband.

 

Why can't you just GET IT and accept it that there WAS NO RELATIONSHIP with him. And the xMM- what exactly did he do? Not say "NO" to you nicely enough? Yes, he does get to go on and have a nice life. He actually did nothing wrong. He didn't have sex with you, he didn't start a relationship with you --- he may have been on a sex site, but so what. SO WERE YOU. You have no idea if he is screwing around on his wife. Heck, with what he experienced with you, he may never ever think about any other woman than his wife again. Yes, life may be good for him and why should he be reminded of you? You were nothing to him really. You made up this huge relationship in your head. It wasn't true. It was fantasy. And it is your own fault that any thought of you is negative with him - you stalked him. You wouldn't leave him alone even after he asked you to, even after he called the police on you. Heck, even the first guy you did this too called the police on you.

 

MSUE, I normally totally agree with your advice, but in this case, I can't.

 

I could agree with

 

OK I"LL SAY IT ALL OVER AGAIN

 

They do not have a traditional marriage...they are both on the same page it has been an understanding between the two of them and yes they love each other dearly in their own way...

 

just because their marriage isn't like some people around here have or the concept of it... does not mean she should divorce him...they have an untraditional marriage and that's ok too!!! what's so difficult to understand about that?

 

 

if her H knew of her actions.

 

But he doesn't. He has no idea, according to her, that she is out trying and possibly screwing strangers.

 

She admitted it:

 

I understand what Dexter is asking, but he is relentlessly pursuing me for the "right" answers, which I am not sure I am prepared to give now. To answer your question, we have not had sex or marriage counselling and it is something I will consider having with my husband, including bringing the issue of me having sex with other men out into the open with him, when I see my therapist. He is not going to have sex with other women, because I have asked him and he says he does not feel the need to. I feel like I have disrespected my husband, and that the best thing all around for me may be to "come clean" about the type of marriage with him that I can tolerate.

 

and

I said I would discuss coming clean with my husband about my extra-marital sex with my therapist.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Chrome, I am taking responsibility for my actions, this OM couldn't and won't for his...he just blew me off, threw me under a bus as far as his wife was concerned, and gave me the silent treatment. Whether he did this to preserve his marriage or because he wants to find someone else, or both, either way he wins and emerges relatively unscathed. I was not so lucky. Really Nice. Life wasn't meant to be easy or fair and I accept that.

 

And you are right, he didn't force my legs open, literally as well as figuratively as there was no sexual relationship. I do think about why it happened, I would be foolish not to.

 

Um hello! did you not read the sign when begining the affair? Cause that's what MM Do!!! they use you and then when the jig is up keep it going for as long as possible and when it's over they end it. HARD. I mean that's the reality of it. what did you honestly expect?

 

Now stop dwelling and be clear what are YOU gonna do about it. Only you can change things. Why are you so focused on what the MM did or is doing with his life. You expect him to live with the fallout of the affair? but you didnt exactly blow up his spot and snitch on him and come clean to your husband so how you expect him to reminense about you. To him all you was, was a side piece.

 

Accept it and change your outlook.

 

Be more concerned with how you conduct yourself as a married woman from now on. How you have strong boundries and be about what you say. Because there's alot of women who talk it but dont walk it.

[aussiegirl66]

IYou wouldn't leave him alone even after he asked you to, even after he called the police on you. Heck, even the first guy you did this too called the police on you.

 

 

fooled once, firstly..he did NOT ask me to leave me alone - he just refused to respond to my emails and sms's. Somehow in this sophisticated technological age, there are SO many ways of communicating with people, but not doing so equates to blowing someone off and rejecting them because you can do that. How ironic. Is it completely my fault that I naturally expected some kind of response from him, is it and then waiting for months on end, I lost my nerve and blew it? Secondly, the first OM DIDN'T call the police on me, he only threatened to if I didn't leave him alone.

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter one iota what happened. What my feelings are in relation to the situation about how he could have behaved, just don't matter.

 

It seems I am just damned to hell and you know what? I don't care anymore. Really I don't.

[MSUE]

I'm taking a break from this thread...its bedtime for me and I'm too tired to do what I want to do...tomorrow I will go over the whole thing again...I do care about this thread and her well being...but it seems ther are some contradictions going on and I'm too exhausted to figure this out now...after all it is over 200 posts...gnite everyone in my neck of the woods is 12:30 a.m....fooled once ttyl i think you caught something I must have missed here.

 

night ya'll;)

[aussiegirl66]

You will reframe this whole thing with this man eventually, just as you did with the man in the UK. You are not so different than anyone who feels heartbroken - at those moments of lowness we simply can't imagine ourself ever feeling any other way. But we eventually do!

 

Look, you already have changed some behavior, as you described above - you didn't cause him any trouble after receiving the mobile phone company letter. Now you must mourn, grieve, get through your anger, wish you'd done things differently, get angry some more, feel depressed - over and over until your brain eventually tires of it, and one day you'll realize it isn't occupying as much of your time as it used to, and the feelings associated aren't as intense and immobilizing. You've done it before, you'll do it again. (I'm not trying to minimize the difference between the thing with this man and the UK man, or equating how you felt about UK man with the strength of your feelings for this man - I'm just pointing out that WE ALL feel we'll never get through heartache and feeling blotted out by someone we had intense feelings for. But we do.) It will NOT be forever as you stated above. Proof of this? You've already changed how you reacted to things. You've already changed how "forever" will be.

 

Hey bubblegum...thanks for your kind messages. The day when I don't care about this man and what happened can't come soon enough. Unfortunately, there is nothing good that has come out of this situation, there is only extremely negative memories from both sides. My situation appears to be unique in that only I chose to respond to rejection in the particular way I do and that means that according to other posters, I am solely to blame.

 

Anyway, bubblegum, I am finished here. It is not that I am scared of what posters say or acting on it, but I just end up feeling worse which means that it is not therapeutic for me to be on here anymore. I just don't see myself getting out of the black hole that I am in, ever, because of the way things ended with him calling police, sending letters. That pain won't ever go away, I'm afraid.

 

Thank you to all the posters who took the time and trouble to post on here. I really appreciate your time and effort and I am thankful more than you know.

[anne1707]

Anne, I understand you believe my comment was perfunctory, but the flippancy (I can't think of a better word and I am not good with words) of comment to just spare my husband and divorce him is something that I just can't take. I almost feel as if posters like you and Dexter are just like vultures preying on the empty carcass that is my life right now after the other posters have left. I know that sounds harsh, but that is how I feel.

 

Yes, I understand that I brought this all on my myself, but strangely, there is no criticism about the xMM, he can happily go on with his life, love and make love to his wife and two kids and screw around who he wants who he knows he can handle. Life is good to him as long as he is not reminded of me. I am having enough trouble dealing with this fact now while at the same time being forced to consider divorcing my husband.

 

I have read and been as thankful as I can to the other posters and taken their advice on board as best as I can, while still hurting over the actions of this man. I can't take any more.

 

 

I suspect Dexter will find it as funny as I do that you have grouped us together like that. He and I have been posting to your thread and pretty much saying the same thing and all based on our personal experiences of how damaging an affair is to a marriage. However this is from very differing perspectives - Dexter was a BS whilst I was a WS.

 

Why on earth should I criticise the MM? I cannot call him your ex-MM because he was never yours - you only met him for 2 hours in a bar one night. He owes you absolutely nothing. All his responsibilities lie with his wife and children. I also love the way you criticise him for sleeping around when he didn't actually sleep with you plus this is what you plan to do if you have your way in your marriage.

 

When I first came to LS, I was full of the "Oh pity me" crap that you are doing now. But with the help of others on here (including Dexter and Chrome), I realised what a complete ***** I was being and started working on saving my marriage.

 

You really do have just 2 options - tell your husband everything and let him decide whether he can tolerate this marriage (your choice of words)- or divorce him. Incredibly hard yet also incredibly simple.