We were both married... I told his wife and it ended really, really badly!

[fooled once]

fooled once, firstly..he did NOT ask me to leave me alone - he just refused to respond to my emails and sms's. Somehow in this sophisticated technological age, there are SO many ways of communicating with people, but not doing so equates to blowing someone off and rejecting them because you can do that. How ironic. Is it completely my fault that I naturally expected some kind of response from him, is it and then waiting for months on end, I lost my nerve and blew it? Secondly, the first OM DIDN'T call the police on me, he only threatened to if I didn't leave him alone.

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter one iota what happened. What my feelings are in relation to the situation about how he could have behaved, just don't matter.

 

It seems I am just damned to hell and you know what? I don't care anymore. Really I don't.

 

Semanitcs - him not responding to you = asking you to leave him alone.

 

And yes, it IS your fault that because NO response means LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't understand how you didn't understand that. If he wanted to talk to you, he would have responded.

[whichwayisup]

firstly..he did NOT ask me to leave me alone - he just refused to respond to my emails and sms's.

 

That IS his way of letting you know he wants you to leave him alone. When one writes an email and gets no response, then writes another email and there's still no response, it's a big hint that the other person has chosen to move on. Fooled is right, if he wanted to talk to you or keep intouch he would have replied back. His silence IS his answer.

[bubblegum]

Hey bubblegum...thanks for your kind messages. The day when I don't care about this man and what happened can't come soon enough. Unfortunately, there is nothing good that has come out of this situation, there is only extremely negative memories from both sides. My situation appears to be unique in that only I chose to respond to rejection in the particular way I do and that means that according to other posters, I am solely to blame.

 

Anyway, bubblegum, I am finished here. It is not that I am scared of what posters say or acting on it, but I just end up feeling worse which means that it is not therapeutic for me to be on here anymore. I just don't see myself getting out of the black hole that I am in, ever, because of the way things ended with him calling police, sending letters. That pain won't ever go away, I'm afraid.

 

Thank you to all the posters who took the time and trouble to post on here. I really appreciate your time and effort and I am thankful more than you know.

 

 

Yes, you're unique in how you responded to the situation, but you're not so unique in that now you have to deal with all these feelings of loss and annihilation. That was my point.

 

I hope you continue on this thread, but if not, feel free to PM me.

[bubblegum]

I tried PMing you, but I guess you don't have that feature available at this time. I hope to hear from you on this thread again.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hey Dexter....I think I have outlined my reasons for not wanting a divorce in an earlier reply to your post, but in a nutshell, the reason is that the marriage is basically good and we get on with each other, which is no mean feat nowadays. If you wish me to respect my husband by never having sex with strange men and developing an exclusive relationship with my sex toys, then I can't promise that.

 

man I feel sorry for your husband.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi Anne, thanks for your post. I understand what Dexter is asking, but he is relentlessly pursuing me for the "right" answers, which I am not sure I am prepared to give now.

 

I don't think you are ever going to be prepared to do right by your husband.

 

If he doesn't have the fortitude to get rid of you, then he is just going to have to settle for a lesser life of being the husband of a woman that will never be true to him. He is just going to have to put up with being the husband of a cheater.

[Dexter Morgan]

Anne, I understand you believe my comment was perfunctory, but the flippancy (I can't think of a better word and I am not good with words) of comment to just spare my husband and divorce him is something that I just can't take.

 

 

there isn't anything flippant about it. you will always want to have men inside you other than your husband. You won't ever do right by him. You will continue to cheat and as you already stated, if you cheat it has nothing to do with your husband. i.e. if you cheat, then just too bad for him.

 

so again, nothing flippant about saying set your husband free and divorce him. if you EVER want to do right by him, and since you won't in the way of faithfullness, then the right thing to do IS to set him free.

 

 

I almost feel as if posters like you and Dexter are just like vultures preying on the empty carcass that is my life right now

 

the only empty carcass is your husband. he is the victim here...not you.

 

 

after the other posters have left. I know that sounds harsh, but that is how I feel.

 

Yes, I understand that I brought this all on my myself, but strangely, there is no criticism about the xMM

 

i have criticized him, but my concern is the hypocrisy from you and the sh#t attitude that you have about your entitlement to cheat and that your husband is insignificant. That overshadows any sh#t behavior of the xMM. His wife needs to deal with his worthless ass.

[Dexter Morgan]

OK I"LL SAY IT ALL OVER AGAIN

 

They do not have a traditional marriage...they are both on the same page it has been an understanding between the two of them and yes they love each other dearly in their own way...

 

just because their marriage isn't like some people around here have or the concept of it... does not mean she should divorce him...they have an untraditional marriage and that's ok too!!! what's so difficult to understand about that?

 

 

I know I'm going to get rocks thrown at me...but I feel like this needs to be highlighted...

 

so you are saying that husband is ok with her boning other men and he can just put up with it?

[Dexter Morgan]

Chrome, I am taking responsibility for my actions

 

How? cuz I don't see it. All I see is your concern for how the OM gets to move on and you don't.

 

I don't see you owning up to anything. And if your idea of taking responsibility is to say things to the effect of its your body and you can cheat if you like....sorry, thats not taking responsibility. that is showing contempt.

 

 

 

this OM couldn't and won't for his...he just blew me off, threw me under a bus as far as his wife was concerned, and gave me the silent treatment.

 

Once again, thats just too damn bad. you are married.

[Dexter Morgan]

MSUE, honey calm down...I appreciate what you are doing, but you don't get what they are saying. What they are saying, I believe is this:-

 

1) I don't have sex with my husband and he doesn't have sex with me and that seems to kinda work in maintaining the status quo of our marriage. However, it leaves me unhappy.

 

2) I deal with #1 by screwing around behind my husband's back, when I can, (and BTW to the other poster, no, I don't go to bars or clubs to pick up men, that is not my scene)....

 

3) a) Most posters CAN'T accept #2 because it is morally reprehensible, breaks my marital vows and is disrespectful of my husband.

 

3) b) Other posters CAN accept me doing #2 if I told my husband and hence had some kind of "open marriage" whereby my husband somehow was forced to accept it (he would never willingly accept it, I mean not many men would wan't their wife to have this lifestyle).

 

However, other posters CAN'T accept 3) b) either, because it is marriage on "my terms" and not his.

 

Therefore, because it seems the majority of posters don't accept either

3) a) or 3) b) as an equitable and just solution for all, the best solution is for me to divorce him. Does that make sense hon?

 

no, the best solution is divorce because you are not a faithful person and as evidenced by your posts, never will be. you feel you have an entitlement to cheat. That will be on your husband or anyone else you might find yourself with. So the best solution for your husband and you, more for your husband, is to divorce and never get married again as you obviously can't handle committment.

[Dexter Morgan]

I suspect Dexter will find it as funny as I do that you have grouped us together like that. He and I have been posting to your thread and pretty much saying the same thing and all based on our personal experiences of how damaging an affair is to a marriage. However this is from very differing perspectives - Dexter was a BS whilst I was a WS.

 

Why on earth should I criticise the MM? I cannot call him your ex-MM because he was never yours - you only met him for 2 hours in a bar one night. He owes you absolutely nothing. All his responsibilities lie with his wife and children. I also love the way you criticise him for sleeping around when he didn't actually sleep with you plus this is what you plan to do if you have your way in your marriage.

 

When I first came to LS, I was full of the "Oh pity me" crap that you are doing now. But with the help of others on here (including Dexter and Chrome), I realised what a complete ***** I was being and started working on saving my marriage.

 

and anne, you are 1 of about 3 WS's that I like. Wouldn't ever hook up witchya due to your past;), but I think you are alright just the same.

 

you at least have the right attitude about it all...unlike some

[MSUE]

Hi guys I have taken the time to go trough every simple comment from AG that have caught my attention from the start and wanted to put it out there again...its a lot of work though but i will post the remaining posts later this evening

 

 

AG please take no offense I just wanna to make sure sure that everyone is on the same page...because the thread has gotten so big I think plenty have missed some things that personally I find it to be critical pieces of info

 

 

yes my H does know about the situation and he is a lawyer and he knows about most of my "spleen-faces" as he likes to call my obsessions over some men.

 

so he is aware of your obsessions with men? but he doesn't know the real truth behind it? that are from a sex site or were found on a casual encounter network? does he realize you met this men online?

 

but I have NEVER been admitted as part of an in-patient psychiatric program, because while I have "acted-out" and done silly things in order to attract attention from people because I am in so much psychological pain, you really need to be psychotic or severely clincially depressed to be admitted to a psychiatric wing and I think that is a general "rule" that would apply across most of the Westernised world, not just Australia!

 

this is not true...you do not need to be an extreme case or danger to yourself or danger to others to be admitted...you can admit yourself for a number of reasons such as OCD that is affecting your daily life...notice a sudden change and you are starting to feel depressed and want help before its extreme...so no the "rule" its not the same here.

whichwayisup, thanks for your post. I don't think I need to be in hospital or in the out-patient Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) treatment program again, when I have completed all the modules before. I don't think I have "problem behaviour" in regard to him that would necessitate me having to be in the DBT program

 

but...you had a similar scenario with UK guy prior to this gut ...somewhere along the lines you had this type of therapy...but has it really helped then? have you tried to put it to use because I think if you did you would have had a better grip on reality

 

"Spleenface" is just my husband's term which he has coined to refer to men he dislikes because I get obsessed with them or in one case, had an affair with five years into our marriage (which I confessed and regretted to him). He is quite 'British' in his attitude to distress and not much ruffles his feathers and he knew I had "issues" when we got married and he believes that his overwhelming love for me will reign in the end, which it always does. That is the simple explanation.

 

ok so he knows about a real A you had back in the day...and how does he think you meet this men from?

 

love will reign in the end? so there was not much of a reaction when he found out then? he stayed with you...cause of love and I guess because he is aware that you have issues and by that I mean mental health issues so he blames that more than blaming you the actual person and this is his coping mechanism?

 

If your objective has been to sympathise with this other MM and support him and his case for how he dealt with me, well congratulations - all you posters, like him have won and succeeded and it doesn't matter what I do now, I am eternally damaged by what happened. Thanks very much.

 

then again your thought processing and obsessions are to blame not him...he just doesn't care because all he wanted was a bang...he did nothing but ignore you...he didn't hurt you or did horrible things to you...truth be told he did not...and that is one of the roots of this whole ordeal...if you could just understand that and accept it you will be able to heal

 

but the ones that imply that these man's actions were entirely justified and proper, which paints him in a sympathetic light that I can't deal with.

 

just because you are not capable does not mean that his behavior was unacceptable...he wants nothing to do with you...most people get it...if you want nothing to do with a person that's it you ignore them and ignore any attempt of communication. just because he went about it on his terms not yours does not make it wrong

 

How would some of you women like it if a man you were expecting to hear after diligent "No Contact" on my part for many months (yes, many months when I did not email or sms him), as you people put it, never responded to you. I bet it would leave you really angry and depressed.

 

 

I'd be cool with that because no means no...if he wants 0 to do with you why on earth would he even txt you...no means no...done means done...why would you expect otherwise so? its because you are not all there and that's already been established...but you continue to refuse reality

Surely, there are "nicer" ways of getting rid of people besides ignoring them forever, given that there has been some emotional connection between the two of yo

and how exactly did you want him to tell you no?...there was no stopping you...the only was was to be cut and dry straight to the point...there was no mutual connection otherwise he'd still be around

[tinktronik]

and how exactly did you want him to tell you no?...there was no stopping you...the only was was to be cut and dry straight to the point...there was no mutual connection otherwise he'd still be around

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head MSUE. I can think of no clearer way of saying NO than to have the police request No Contact. This however still elicited a response from the OP. The police told her No Contact and she sent flowers. :bunny:

[anne1707]

and anne, you are 1 of about 3 WS's that I like. Wouldn't ever hook up witchya due to your past;), but I think you are alright just the same.

 

you at least have the right attitude about it all...unlike some

 

What can I say Dexter! I'm a happily married woman so I wouldn't be interested either

[Dexter Morgan]

Originally Posted by aussiegirl66

How would some of you women like it if a man you were expecting to hear after diligent "No Contact" on my part for many months (yes, many months when I did not email or sms him), as you people put it, never responded to you. I bet it would leave you really angry and depressed.

 

 

Ok, after reading this part again, I have to wonder, if you were in no contact and the no contact was all your doing.....and you didn't email or text him.....what was there to respond to?

 

Its as if you were allowed to go no contact, but he was suppose to chase you. so actually, it looks like YOU are the one that snubbed him. you just admitted so. so you snub him, and you get mad when he didn't chase?

[MSUE]

Ok, after reading this part again, I have to wonder, if you were in no contact and the no contact was all your doing.....and you didn't email or text him.....what was there to respond to?

 

Its as if you were allowed to go no contact, but he was suppose to chase you. so actually, it looks like YOU are the one that snubbed him. you just admitted so. so you snub him, and you get mad when he didn't chase?

DM i can't open the link

[fooled once]

MSUE, I think he was just quoting post #88 by Aussiegirl

[MSUE]

(well both H and I are but we haven't kept up with the show here). It is not true that I am disregarding of my husband's feelings. He knows about this and I ask him about the hurt he feels and to give you a full response would be complicated and I don't want to tell you what he thinks second hand in case I say something wrong. Nor can I really "feel" what he feels deep inside him. He does say I am lucky to have him for many reasons though (I totally agree) and a part of me is relieved as I am not cheating on him with this man, not just physically, but emotionally. I know this sounds like a trite and inadequate response but I just wish to leave it there.

 

BTW, I even tell him about your responses on this site (I say there is a dude called Dexter on here who thinks about you and who is on your side) and while I am sure he would like to go out with you and have a yarn about something of mutual interest - and no, not about this stuff, I'm afraid he is a teetotaller!

 

 

so then he does know all about this...specially if you have been sharing all posts with him

 

It has got to be more than that for someone to mistreat me the way he did in such a deliberately cruel way.

 

But it just hurts, I just drive in my car, mulling it over and suddenly think, yeah I understand, but then I don't because I think how can someone just hate me so much to have done that to me, in then to reinforce it more recently when I got the letter from my mobile phone company about the text messages I sent him. I mean I did nothing but love him, and he just couldn't spare me one minute of his time to send me a text or email. It is not so much the rejection, but how can someone think so lowly of me, that they couldn't have sent me one 'itty bitty' email or text, way back in 2007, before all this mess happened months later?

 

ok AG there's no need for him to send you anything or make any type of communication with you as there was no R...there never was...he doesn't owe you anything,,,I don't think he hates you by any means but you were not stopping and that is in fact considered harassment here...this man doesn't know you...he doesn't know that you are harmless...but you have to understand that there are many horror stories that start out the similar way as yours and end up in tragedy...he in his eyes was protecting not only himself but his family and rightfully so...get off the kick...he has done no wrong to you by ignoring you because that's the way to go when someone behaves the way you did....you ignore them till they go away...but the more he ignored the more intense your bahavior became and that alone gives him the right to inform authority

 

As far as my psychiatrist is concerned, he would say that the reason I obsess is because I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, which I had diagnosed when I was about 25, but probably had for many years before. Does that answer your question? He does not tell me to make my husband my focus as he knows I have tried. He does encourage me to stay with my husband, and he sees many patients who have affairs and he does not condone or necessarily condemn his patients who do so. It is just life.

 

 

OCD certainly makes lots of sense...your compulsive obsession with this man that the more he let you know to stay away by ignoring you...the more compulsive you became...there's no doubt in my mind that your mentall illness has played a huge role here but there's also a level of conscientiousness involved here

Well Trojan John, it probably was me, you are a very smart gentleman. I was waiting how long it would take someone to "twig". I did not change my screen name as I have nothing to hide. Yes, I was seriously obsessed with a man from the UK who I met from the same adult site. For a great deal of time I felt he had hurt me, but that was my first experience of obsession with a man and I vowed it would be the last and regardless, with a great deal of extremely hard and painful self-examination, therapy and reading leading into better insight into what motivated me, I only blame myself for the outcome of that situation now. I have no bitterness towards him, only a very mild caring and respect and after a while I did contact him again to apologise properly and he said he understood and wished me well. He also said that he did not want me to contact him again as he was now remarried. Whether that is the truth or not, I don't care anymore - I have respected his wishes.

 

 

 

I did not want this type of situation to happen again when I met the local guy, though at least this man was kind enough to send me an email asking me to leave him alone, after some time, which I did. At the time I felt the final email from him was cruel, but at least he finally respected my need to know. Yes I was seriously obsessed over him, but I got over him in time. In hindsight, he (the UK guy) was alot kinder than the local guy in some respects.

why didn't you learn from that experience the first time around? because the second time around was even more intense...yes I see that you said you have nothing to hide...well if that statement was true 100% you would have and should have mentioned it because it would have opened a whole new can of worms and your replies would have been completely different...so yes you did hide it till someone caught you...personally I don't appreciate it specially when I've been here all along for oyu with compassion...had I known about UK man my responses and view would have been completely different

 

 

Yes, I understand that I brought this all on my myself, but strangely, there is no criticism about the xMM, he can happily go on with his life, love and make love to his wife and two kids and screw around who he wants who he knows he can handle. Life is good to him as long as he is not reminded of me. I am having enough trouble dealing with this fact now while at the same time being forced to consider divorcing my husband.

 

 

yes of course he can go on with his life...he in hid eyes did not do any damage and that is nothing but the truth...but because of they way you process and your OCD and BPD you feel as if he wronged you...and that was not the case

 

..he did NOT ask me to leave me alone - he just refused to respond to my emails and sms's. Somehow in this sophisticated technological age, there are SO many ways of communicating with people, but not doing so equates to blowing someone off and rejecting them because you can do that.

 

him ignoring you means leave me alone just because he didn't say it word by word his actions made it very clear...he is entitled to reject you and yes he did because he wanted nothing with you...because you were never a part of his lifeto begin with

 

 

the major issue here is...not only has this happened in the past...but the second time around it was even more intense...if there is a third time around and for God's sakes I hope not I am really concerned about the intensity surpassing #2

 

AG...it all comes down to the following

 

this man did not nothing wrong by ignoring he has that right he wanted you gone he smelled trouble...because of your thought processing and illnesses you are not able to understand that..let alone accept it...

 

this is why you need to continue w therapy and taking all the meds necessary to help you stabilize...cognitive behavioral therapy is probably one of if not the best way to go about it as it helps you not only understand your thought processing which is way off by the way but it teaches you how to change it

 

ag- please do not take this the wrong way as you know from day one that I have been here and happen to care and I'm compassionate and feel for you because i realize that you don't want to be this way but your illnesses get on the way...but you have taken the right firsts steps and yes it will be a long road and it won't be a piece of cake but at the end it'll all be well worth it

[MSUE]

MSUE, I think he was just quoting post #88 by Aussiegirl

gotcha I just looked at it

[aussiegirl66]

MSUE, thank you again for posting. In fact, I DID mention that I was obsessed with a guy in the UK, I have cut and paste the post here :-

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by IfWishesWereHorses

This is more than OCD -- it truly is.

 

OCD paired with BPD.

 

AG,

 

You intimated that this had happened before. Your husband calls these men you become obsessed with spleen-faces. What does that mean, exactly? The truth is that you will never EVER have a normal relationship until you get this under control. This isn't about ANY man, this is only about you. Why does it not make you so sad that your H puts up with this like you were a delenquent child that he doesn't have the guts to kick out.

 

Give the DBT a fair shot, and change therapists You need tough love, and you need someone who is going to seriously work a program with you. Also, in my OWN opinion, I think group settings for BPD, are completely a waste. Ask your H for help finding the "best" clinic to fit your needs. You'll never be in any R that doesn't exist soley in your own head unless you get yourself straightened out.

 

 

IfWishesWere...yes, the first guy I became obsessed about was in the U.K. (I called him Mr Darcy, but this story did not have a sweet, "Jane Austen" ending though he did turn out to be kinder than the local bloke in some ways). As I am in Australia, I suppose that was lucky for him, but I got over him when I met this guy (Cruel Heathcliff, well I am trying a bit of black humour). Though I think this guy here at home and Mr Darcy in the UK must have known each other as they dealt with me in exactly the same way.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

- I think it is post #58 which appears on about page 4 and as IfWishesWereHorses correctly says I did intimate that this had happened before. It is just that Trojan John remembered me from before and I didn't want to waste time going over a situation in length that was similar, but not exactly the same. I HATE MYSELF FOR HAVING REPEATED THIS SCENARIO WITH THE LOCAL GUY. I REALLY DO - I understand that it appears that I did this because I am not in my right mind and only people like this would go to the great lengths I did.

 

I know this is a very long thread, but if you look back you will see it. Anyway, I understand that it is due to my obsessive nature that I kept on stalking him by text and email and that was wrong. I understand he had a right to reject me and to not respond to my sms' or emails because to do so would be rewarding my behaviour, which he did not want. I understand that not responding was probably the nicest way of saying he was not interested and that it probably all got too much for him when I initiated contact with him again over four weeks ago and that I why I got the letter from the mobile phone company. I understand that the situation I was in IS ALL MY FAULT. I understand that as much as this hurts, none of this is his fault, whatsoever.

 

I understand that I am a total s*hit for cheating on my husband.

 

I don't need any therapy - it is WAY TOO LATE for that now. It would have been useful if someone had stepped in way back in 2007 before I lost my nerve with this guy and stopped contacting him then. I was a train wreck waiting to happen but it is easy to say that now in hindsight. If I had stopped, then I might have had some self-respect and dignity intact. I feel I deserve my misery in relation to this situation and am quite happy basking in it. Therapy is only for people that deserve to be happy, who have done nothing wrong, who have not harmed/stalked anyone, and who are basically good people. I don't care about whether I have mental illnesses or not, he could not have known exactly what they were, even though he had some inkling I had issues as we had discussed this. That is just an excuse for bad behaviour. All he knew is that he had to stop my behaviour my not rewarding it and embarrasingly for me and sadly for him, it has taken all this time for him to succeed.

 

But that is life, bad things and incredibly worse things like accidents, tragedies happen all the time.

 

It really has to be the end now as I can't take it any longer.

[Dexter Morgan]

DM i can't open the link

 

nothing to open really...i just copy and pasted her text. the link is just to a picture of a button or something.

[joliegems]

Ok, its sounds like you need more counseling. I hope you know that it is not the norm to fall so head over heels for someone after a couple of hours. I truly doubt he felt the same way, most humans don't get attached that quickly. You met him on a sex site, that's all he wanted.

 

I think you thoroughly overstepped your boundaries. Did you really not take the hint when he didn't respond to you for months. He was not interested. I hope you have learned your lesson from all this. I think he acted correctly in calling the police, how you acted is not normal.

[MSUE]

I understand that it is due to my obsessive nature that I kept on stalking him by text and email and that was wrong. I understand he had a right to reject me and to not respond to my sms' or emails because to do so would be rewarding my behaviour, which he did not want. I understand that not responding was probably the nicest way of saying he was not interested and that it probably all got too much for him when I initiated contact with him again over four weeks ago and that I why I got the letter from the mobile phone company. I understand that the situation I was in IS ALL MY FAULT. I understand that as much as this hurts, none of this is his fault, whatsoever.

 

 

ok see...this is for once a great start!!! acknowledging and accepting...

I understand that I am a total s*hit for cheating on my husband.

 

NO THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A PIECE OF SHI*

 

I've been there too when I was married for 8 years...crap happens and truthfully people cheat all the time for a number of reasons...now it doesn't make it right...but it does not make you a piece of trash...

 

Therapy is only for people that deserve to be happy, who have done nothing wrong, who have not harmed/stalked anyone, and who are basically good people.

 

 

Here we go...this is where you are so so wrong...therapy is for anyone that has something to overcome and can't do it alone...specially those that take things a step further...we all deserve happiness...every single one of us does...but never at the cost of someone elses...not particularly the case here but just a rule of thumb

TBut that is life, bad things and incredibly worse things like accidents, tragedies happen all the time.

 

you have sinked into a major depression...continue therapy even though its a struggle before the hole gets deeper and deeper...I'm begging you now

 

It really has to be the end now as I can't take it any longer.

 

yes you can take it...you can handle this...I have faith in you and I know that with a helping hand and the right guidance you can do it!!!!!

[stillafool]

Aussiegirl, what made you fall in love with your Virgo Husband? Was there a lot of passion in the beginning?

[silverfish]

Aussiegirl, everyone in your life, who has been in contact with you, who love you : they will be fine. You need to get yourself to that place too now.

 

But that is life, bad things and incredibly worse things like accidents, tragedies happen all the time.

 

It really has to be the end now as I can't take it any longer.

 

I am trying to see this statement as a positive one, because although it sounds quite scary the 1st time I read it, you said yourself bad things happen all the time. You're right, they do. They happen every day, people do bad things to eachother and themselves every day.

 

You are smart. You can see the irrational things you do and comment on them, but at the moment you can't change how you feel and how you act on your feelings. You can get help for this! People do that every day too!

 

You need to use your energy too get yourself to that place now where you understand how you behave. I really don't think you are far off taking that step. You have been honest on here, you can be honest about your past - many people can't do that. I have a lot of respect for you for writing what you have.