We were both married... I told his wife and it ended really, really badly!

[aussiegirl66]

Yes, Dexter that is exactly what I am saying and I have thought about it. I am not leaving him and he is not leaving me. Neither of us are going to find people we are happier with, the grass ain't gonna be greener for either of us, because it is only in your idealised and black/white world view, that that can happen. I am saying that it is not a perfect world and that I am the one who is 'getting real' about life, not you dear sir!

 

I am sure there are 'secrets' between married people, whether they are sexual liaisons or other things. I am sure if partners knew everything about what we thought of them and vice versa, there wouldn't be manly marriages around today. I know about my H's sexual fantasies and they don't include me. Mine don't include him. My psychiatrist says we are 'sexually incompatible' and when I tell H that, he asks me what the hell that means. Just because we are not compatible sexually or whatever, doesn't mean you throw the 'baby out with the bathwater', so to speak.

 

I have read and thought long and hard about this. It is not a conclusion I come to lightly and I would be that there are therapists out there who would say that I am doing the best I can in life to be happy.

 

Please stop harping on at me about this.

 

I know you are a betrayed spouse, yet somehow I think you use this thread to vent and/or project your feelings about your own situation to any woman who is betraying your spouse. Perhaps you need a therapist to help you with this yourself.

[tinktronik]

OP I have a question for you. Does your H not engage with you sexually because of your mental health issues?

 

I know from accounts of others engaged in relationships with a partner with mental health issues [bPD in particular] that they chose not to engage physically with their partner due to feeling that the particular brand of physicality or sexuality, if you will, is un-healthy for both parties. Also I have both seen and been told by those engaged in the situation that it oftentimes takes on a caretaker situation. I was wondering if this is the case in your marriage.

[aussiegirl66]

fooled once, yes I know I am obsessed. That is clear. I know I didn't have a relationship. Why I am asking is regardless, why I deserved to be treated as harshly and as cruelly as he did when it is obvious he is not a harsh or cruel man.

 

In response to your second question, I choose to keep who I "screw" with and yes, I will admit that that is all it is, from my husband. I choose to remain to be married, because despite the issues I have with obsessions and with our sex life, I am still happy to be married to him and I doubt 100% I would find anyone who I would be happier with. I have asked my husband why he stays despite my admitted infidelities and obsessions which he knows about and he says it is because he loves and adores me. I think if I told him that I go to a club and have casual sex (which he has known about) he is not happy, but at least he knows it is not emotional betrayal of him and that I still love him. He seems to get this on some level.

[aussiegirl66]

AG, so you and your husband have both AGREED to have an open marriage?

 

Or have you just stopped sleeping together and don't talk about it at all anymore?

 

What do you think your H would do/feel if he knew that you were with OM? If your H doesn't care...why didn't you just tell him the full truth and give him the address to begin with?

 

Owl, in answer to your question, no, we have NOT agreed to an open married. The latter statement that we don't talk about it is correct.

 

I am not sure what you are asking in your question that "I should tell him the full truth and give him the address to begin with?"

[fooled once]

Yes, Dexter that is exactly what I am saying and I have thought about it. I am not leaving him and he is not leaving me. Neither of us are going to find people we are happier with, the grass ain't gonna be greener for either of us, because it is only in your idealised and black/white world view, that that can happen. I am saying that it is not a perfect world and that I am the one who is 'getting real' about life, not you dear sir!

 

I am sure there are 'secrets' between married people, whether they are sexual liaisons or other things. I am sure if partners knew everything about what we thought of them and vice versa, there wouldn't be manly marriages around today. I know about my H's sexual fantasies and they don't include me. Mine don't include him. My psychiatrist says we are 'sexually incompatible' and when I tell H that, he asks me what the hell that means. Just because we are not compatible sexually or whatever, doesn't mean you throw the 'baby out with the bathwater', so to speak.

 

I have read and thought long and hard about this. It is not a conclusion I come to lightly and I would be that there are therapists out there who would say that I am doing the best I can in life to be happy.

 

Please stop harping on at me about this.

 

I know you are a betrayed spouse, yet somehow I think you use this thread to vent and/or project your feelings about your own situation to any woman who is betraying your spouse. Perhaps you need a therapist to help you with this yourself.

 

Well, I am not a betrayed spouse and I find that most of what you write about it out of this world.

 

I am sure there are 'secrets' between married people, whether they are sexual liaisons or other things. I am sure if partners knew everything about what we thought of them and vice versa, there wouldn't be manly marriages around today. I know about my H's sexual fantasies and they don't include me. Mine don't include him. My psychiatrist says we are 'sexually incompatible' and when I tell H that, he asks me what the hell that means. Just because we are not compatible sexually or whatever, doesn't mean you throw the 'baby out with the bathwater', so to speak.

 

That is actually quite a sad way to think/feel.

 

I have NO secrects wth my husband --- why would I?? What do I need to keep secret? We share our sexual fantasies with each other? Why would we marry if we weren't sexually compatible?

[aussiegirl66]

OP I have a question for you. Does your H not engage with you sexually because of your mental health issues?

 

I know from accounts of others engaged in relationships with a partner with mental health issues [bPD in particular] that they chose not to engage physically with their partner due to feeling that the particular brand of physicality or sexuality, if you will, is un-healthy for both parties. Also I have both seen and been told by those engaged in the situation that it oftentimes takes on a caretaker situation. I was wondering if this is the case in your marriage.

 

tintronik...no, I understand him having a "caretaker" role, which in many respects he does have in our marriage as I am a student and don't work, but regarding the sexual aspect, I don't think so, as we used to have sex when we were first married (we were both around 25 years old and both virgins) and he would actually ask me for it for a few years and I have had mental issues since my late teens, early 20's. I just think that partly due to physical reasons for him which I won't go into, but it is not a sexual dysfunction, sex is unwieldy and cumbersome, and before I became probably sexually aware of my body at about 38 years old (I am now 43) penetration used to hurt me and that was both a turn-off and a concern for him. Now he just says that he doesn't enjoy it and it doesn't make him feel closer to him or love me more - it is just a physical act that he would be using me for and I understand and respect his right to see sex that way.

[fooled once]

So your H doesn't know that you are out trying to find sex? Why don't you tell him?

 

And stop with the "The MM treated me so poorly". He told you he wasn't interested - he told you with words and actions. I don't get why you can't get that. He wasn't mean and cruel to you --- you took it to another level with stalking him and he is probably scared of you and scared for the safety of his family. He doesn't owe you anything. I don't understand why after 2 freaking years and virtually NO relationship with this man why you are so obsessed about him?

 

He didn't lead you on.

 

He didn't have an affair with you.

 

He wasn't INTO you.

 

Yet for some reason, you have created this entire fantasty in your head and blame him for his mistreatment of you. I don't understand why you even think that.

[aussiegirl66]

fooled once...thanks for your sympathy but it is O.K. really. I am glad you have no secrets with your husband and that you share sexual fantasies with each other, but I have chosen to deal with the reality of my marriage as best as I can, as I said to Dexter, with harm minimisation being the priority for either of us. Yes, I did want an affair with that man, because I fell in love with him, but he was the exception.

 

To answer your question, I will repeat the gist of what I said to Dexter, in a "ideal" world, things like your marriage may happen. Please realise that sometimes people marry when they are young-ish, for reasons that at the time seem urgent to them, like being in love but not understanding what that means in its entirety, and that some marry when either or both of them are virgins or sexually inexperienced and lastly that people can change with time.

[aussiegirl66]

fooled once, why do you want me to tell my husband? Does that make you feel better inside does it, knowing that he knows I screw around?

 

Regardless of what you say about the man I am obsessed with, sorry but I beg to disagree. What he did hurts and it hurts because of the way he treated me when I did nothing to deserve it and that was WAAAAY before I stalked him, if you really want to call it that. I have a right to my feelings and I am saying with 100% honesty that what he has done hurts - alot. You may say he owes me nothing and he didn't lead me on, but I am sorry - I was there, I experienced it, you did not. All I wanted was a shred of human decency, after some time had passed, but it seems that that was too much for him.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes, Dexter that is exactly what I am saying and I have thought about it. I am not leaving him and he is not leaving me. Neither of us are going to find people we are happier with, the grass ain't gonna be greener for either of us, because it is only in your idealised and black/white world view, that that can happen.

 

uh, you are the one saying that what you do with your body doesn't concern your husband...hence...if you cheat, it doesn't have anything to do with him. So if you cheat, then obviously you are looking for greener grass......

 

 

 

I am saying that it is not a perfect world and that I am the one who is 'getting real' about life, not you dear sir!

 

ah, so because I don't cheat, and you do, that yo uare getting "real"?

 

So tell me, how is it that I'm not "getting real"?

 

 

I am sure there are 'secrets' between married people, whether they are sexual liaisons or other things. I am sure if partners knew everything about what we thought of them and vice versa, there wouldn't be manly marriages around today.

 

we aren't talking about divulging every little thought in ones head...we are talking about cheating and the attitude that if you cheat, its none of your husband's business what you do with your body in that regard.

 

 

I know about my H's sexual fantasies and they don't include me.

 

and do they stay a fantasy? or does he act on them and has he cheated? big difference my lady.

 

 

Mine don't include him. My psychiatrist says we are 'sexually incompatible' and when I tell H that, he asks me what the hell that means. Just because we are not compatible sexually or whatever, doesn't mean you throw the 'baby out with the bathwater', so to speak.

 

 

but since you are not sexually compatible, then you seem to use that as an excuse to get it elsewhere if you so desire.

 

and again, we aren't talking about fantasy here....we are talking about the real life act of cheating and your desire to actually want it, and the fact that you would carry it out in real life with OM if you had the chance. You said this yourself.

 

 

Please stop harping on at me about this.

 

I'm just wondering why your husband is so insignificant in the grand scheme of it all.

 

 

I know you are a betrayed spouse

 

x-betrayed spouse....thank ya!

 

 

yet somehow I think you use this thread to vent and/or project your feelings about your own situation to any woman who is betraying your spouse. Perhaps you need a therapist to help you with this yourself.

 

Any woman? nice try. I get down on the men just as much.

 

No therapist needed here. i know what I want, and what i don't. So basically because I see the abuse your husband has to put up with, and your lousy attitude towards him...I need therapy? ok...

[Dexter Morgan]

fooled once, yes I know I am obsessed. That is clear. I know I didn't have a relationship. Why I am asking is regardless, why I deserved to be treated as harshly and as cruelly as he did when it is obvious he is not a harsh or cruel man.

 

 

and again, its odd that you feel this way considering you have a husband that was treated harshly and cruelly by you, and continues to be treated this way with the lack of empathy towards him.

 

ok, I know thats not what you want to hear, but its a huge hypocritical double standard.

 

So as far as your obsession. You are in therapy yes? What does a therapist tell you about your obsession? Does he tell you to make the focus your husband to let him help you overcome the obsession with the OM?

[Jilly Bean]

And stop with the "The MM treated me so poorly". He told you he wasn't interested - he told you with words and actions. I don't get why you can't get that. He wasn't mean and cruel to you --- you took it to another level with stalking him and he is probably scared of you and scared for the safety of his family. He doesn't owe you anything. I don't understand why after 2 freaking years and virtually NO relationship with this man why you are so obsessed about him?

 

He didn't lead you on.

 

He didn't have an affair with you.

 

He wasn't INTO you.

 

Yet for some reason, you have created this entire fantasty in your head and blame him for his mistreatment of you. I don't understand why you even think that.

 

God, I SO agree with this!!!!

 

One date, no interest on his part, stalking, law involvement, cell phone reprimands, and two years later, you're still so obsessed with this like it happened yesterday, and you were involved with him for 10 years.

 

I still maintain in-patient care should be considered. I know you contend you are not qualified, but honestly, I don't see why not. You clearly suffer from psychosis, which in the US, is enough to get you committed.

 

I'm NOT saying this to upset you Aussie, but I truly don't think you're being treated properly by your docs. Two years of stalking, feeling victimized and obsessing about someone you had extremely limited involvement with shows a woman who is in need of serious psychiatric care and who is existing well outside the fringe of reality.

 

I remain concerned about what you may do next, quite frankly.

[bentnotbroken]

fooled once, why do you want me to tell my husband? Does that make you feel better inside does it, knowing that he knows I screw around?

 

Regardless of what you say about the man I am obsessed with, sorry but I beg to disagree. What he did hurts and it hurts because of the way he treated me when I did nothing to deserve it and that was WAAAAY before I stalked him, if you really want to call it that. I have a right to my feelings and I am saying with 100% honesty that what he has done hurts - alot. You may say he owes me nothing and he didn't lead me on, but I am sorry - I was there, I experienced it, you did not. All I wanted was a shred of human decency, after some time had passed, but it seems that that was too much for him.

 

 

It's pretty hard to expect decency when you haven't been giving it. You didn't give it to your H, by cheating. You didn't give it to MM when he told you to bug off. You didn't give it to his W by even dealing with him in the first place. And you didn't give it to yourself as you go on and on about an encounter so brief that even you admit nothing happened. It is kind of hard to expect from others what you are so unable to give.

[MSUE]

the thing here is...that they do not have a traditional marriage...and they have both agreed on that and seem to be on the same page...then who am I to go and throw rocks at her...when this is something that they are both agreeing with...and we can't forget the fact that currently she is not all there...I can't even ( and you guys know I can get pretty rough) throw the insults and the judgments...at first I was like no way you are really just awful...but more and more detailed info has been shared...and its allowed to see this vulnerable side and to understand her better...it is not fair to put her in the same crew as most of us...she is mentally ill...as sad as it sounds...this is the reality she has even mentioned that at one point she was inpatient for help...did everyone forget that?

 

 

I know this whole situation is really out there...but we all have to try and see it not from our eyes but from someone that is fragile vulnerable and ultimately mentally ill.

 

and please don't throw rocks at me guys...as I am not condoning her actions by any means but I do have compassion due to her state of mind

[MSUE]

Dear lord...I can already see it coming......

[bentnotbroken]

What do you feel coming. I guess I tend to want to help those who want to help themselves. She does not. She has come up with ever excuse in the book while acknowledging she isn't mentally stable. That says to me I am capable of using rational thought, I chose not to get the help to make that rational thought an integral part of my life. I would rather have random sex, tell my H who loves me and obsess about a man who told me to leave him alone.

[fooled once]

the thing here is...that they do not have a traditional marriage...and they have both agreed on that and seem to be on the same page...then who am I to go and throw rocks at her...when this is something that they are both agreeing with...and we can't forget the fact that currently she is not all there...I can't even ( and you guys know I can get pretty rough) throw the insults and the judgments...at first I was like no way you are really just awful...but more and more detailed info has been shared...and its allowed to see this vulnerable side and to understand her better...it is not fair to put her in the same crew as most of us...she is mentally ill...as sad as it sounds...this is the reality she has even mentioned that at one point she was inpatient for help...did everyone forget that?

 

 

I know this whole situation is really out there...but we all have to try and see it not from our eyes but from someone that is fragile vulnerable and ultimately mentally ill.

 

and please don't throw rocks at me guys...as I am not condoning her actions by any means but I do have compassion due to her state of mind

 

MSUE, I get what you are saying.

 

My only disagreement with your post is I don't believe that the H is aware of what she is doing and is okay with it. I really don't. I don't think he knows how completely obsessed she is with a man she doesn't even know, i don't think he knows the lengths she went to in regards to being in touch with him, I don't think he knows how she is STILL unbelievably obsessed with an encounter - and not even a SEXUAL one - that was over 2 years ago.

 

I don't think he knows she is (?? not sure of this) tramping around in bars looking for sex.

 

I think he believes something totally different than reality -- because if she is the one who told him, goodness knows it was probably more of a tale than the truth, ya know?

 

I DO feel bad for her - I think she has been shafted by the doctors and I do wholeheartedly agree she needs in patient treatment.

[aussiegirl66]

Dexter Morgan, if it makes you feel happy, I agree that I am a despicable wife to her husband who deserves to be chucked out on the street. Enough said.

[aussiegirl66]

Jilly Bean, I will say it again, and I won't repeat myself again. Firstly, I am NOT psychotic and I willl not meet the criteria for in-patient hospitalisation. You think I am the stubborn one for obsessing over this MM, but frankly, you are the one who is obsessing over getting me hospitalised. I do not meet the criteria for being "sectioned" under the Mental Health Act, no matter how close I have been there in the past.

 

I am quite aware of reality, I think if I wasn't aware of reality, it wouldn't hurt as much as it does, and just because I am thinking of him does not imply that I am going to do something like contact him, or harm him or his loved ones, or harm myself.

 

My question to you is, why do you have this huge "push" to get me hospitalised? Is it because you feel you need to have your opinion vindicated so strongly? I can assure you, you are NOT qualified to diagnose psychosis from where you are standing and just because I am expressing what may seem as a weird obsession to you, does not mean that I somehow "incriminate" myself here in Australia. Sorry to disappoint you, it is just the way it is.

[aussiegirl66]

Dexter, to answer your question about my obsession, I don't know what my therapist would say, as I have not seen her yet. As far as my psychiatrist is concerned, he would say that the reason I obsess is because I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, which I had diagnosed when I was about 25, but probably had for many years before. Does that answer your question? He does not tell me to make my husband my focus as he knows I have tried. He does encourage me to stay with my husband, and he sees many patients who have affairs and he does not condone or necessarily condemn his patients who do so. It is just life.

[aussiegirl66]

bentnotbroken, I agree with what you are saying...he didn't tell me to "bug off", it was easy for him, he did not care, so it was nothing for him to avoid responding to my sms's and emails and a clever strategy for ensuring that communication did not continue. It was DIFFERENT for me, unfortunately, I CARED about him, so I was hanging from some word from him. THAT is what makes me angry - is that he could have done something months and months earlier as I felt I deserved some closure from him, given that he asked me to email him after several months and he never responded. I know this sounds trivial to you, but it could have averted what happened later and I don't think that was a huge ask of him.

[aussiegirl66]

the thing here is...that they do not have a traditional marriage...and they have both agreed on that and seem to be on the same page...then who am I to go and throw rocks at her...when this is something that they are both agreeing with...and we can't forget the fact that currently she is not all there...I can't even ( and you guys know I can get pretty rough) throw the insults and the judgments...at first I was like no way you are really just awful...but more and more detailed info has been shared...and its allowed to see this vulnerable side and to understand her better...it is not fair to put her in the same crew as most of us...she is mentally ill...as sad as it sounds...this is the reality she has even mentioned that at one point she was inpatient for help...did everyone forget that?

 

 

I know this whole situation is really out there...but we all have to try and see it not from our eyes but from someone that is fragile vulnerable and ultimately mentally ill.

 

and please don't throw rocks at me guys...as I am not condoning her actions by any means but I do have compassion due to her state of mind

 

MSUE, you are right in one respect that I don't have a traditional marriage, and by that I mean a marriage that involves regular consensual sex. You are incorrect, I have never been an inpatient of any psychiatric wing of any hospital. I have had out-patient treatment in terms of a behavioural therapy program, but never been admitted, as much as I would have liked someone to take care of me at times when this happened the first time and on other occasions. I have had the therapy and I don't need to do stuff like that, nor do I need to get me admitted any more, I can take care of myself a lot better now thanks, so there is no need to worry about me, or what I am going to do next as far as this MM is concerned. I find your attitude rather contrary, on the one hand you said you would support me, on the other hand, you seem to agree with some other posters who are hell-bent on waiting until I do something or that I may do something which will get me admitted.

 

It seems as though some people on this site just want to read or pre-empt some future drama, perhaps due to some human nature to see people suffer (schadenfreude) or because they strongly want their opinion vindicated.

 

Sorry folks, hate to disappoint you, but I ain't coming to the party!

[Ms. Red]

Now you're contradicting yourself.

 

If you're not getting any help from the posters here, even the ones that are truly trying to help....why are you still here? What is it you need from this forum?

[Trojan John]

This story reads disturbingly similar to one on another website that was posted about 4 years ago under an identical screen name. And she was seriously obsessive. I sincerely hope that its' a different person and that you're not repeating your past actions...

[MSUE]

 

I still maintain in-patient care should be considered. I know you contend you are not qualified, but honestly, I don't see why not. You clearly suffer from psychosis, which in the US, is enough to get you committed.

 

 

JB I kinda agree here with you...and yes it is more than enough here in US to commit yourself...the girl is in Australia though and although I have no clue...for all we know the process and regulations to commit herself may be the complete opposite as here for us.