Questions for both sides

[tami-chan]

Hi Sanafa, yes there is an ignore "button"....I am not very computer savvy..but I believe you have to go to your profile, then click on your edit ignore list(on the left side of the screen)..then enter the name of the member you want to put on ignore. Hope the helps. Sorry you have been subjected to this.

[Sanafa]

Hi Sanafa, yes there is an ignore "button"....I am not very computer savvy..but I believe you have to go to your profile, then click on your edit ignore list(on the left side of the screen)..then enter the name of the member you want to put on ignore. Hope the helps. Sorry you have been subjected to this.

 

Thanks Tami.... I will take a look and try to figure it out.

 

I am certainly not afraid of difference of opinion, tons here that I did not respond to in a negative but this is just getting childish and that isn't my thing.

[tami-chan]

Sanafa, I think it is very difficult for BSs ( and "reformed" APs) to have a decent exchange with APs who seem to be remorseless and/or who believe there was real love between the APs. It is a lot easier if the AP is remorseful, in pain and recognize AND accept the relationship was NOTHING. I don't know if there will ever be a happy middle ground where people can talk about this without bringing in their very own strong (oftentimes negative) emotions. Still, I know we cannot not try....I hope you do not give up...I think you are trying very hard to find answers and ask questions without being rude or inflammatory. You have been patient, I think. I know, I wouldn't have been.

[Sanafa]

Sanafa, I think it is very difficult for BSs ( and "reformed" APs) to have a decent exchange with APs who seem to be remorseless and/or who believe there was real love between the APs. It is a lot easier if the AP is remorseful, in pain and recognize AND accept the relationship was NOTHING. I don't know if there will ever be a happy middle ground where people can talk about this without bringing in their very own strong (oftentimes negative) emotions. Still, I know we cannot not try....I hope you do not give up...I think you are trying very hard to find answers and ask questions without being rude or inflammatory. You have been patient, I think. I know, I wouldn't have been.

 

And I do understand that, and I am not different in regards to many issues/situations. I get frustrated that people cannot attempt to see the other side, I don't have to agree but I can respect a thoughtful, polite view that differs mine and I have in this thread on several occassions.

 

Where I flounder is when someone suggests they know what I am thinking or what I "meant" to say. Not the case, I know I have my own personal opinions and I have tried, other than sharing a little about my personal situation to be respectful of both.

 

I just find that in life... whether it is divorce, infidelity, loss of job we really jump to blaming/judging rather than trying to understand that person... much easier to stick aside. It is like those that have an alternative lifestyle or these MM who enjoy unusual activities... rather than accepting what works for them and learning and supporting many immediately look to blame their childhoods, insecurities, etc. So what if someone finds pleasure in a "non" social norm way... why do we immediately go to " there is something wrong with them"....

 

how about we learn to accept difference....

 

I'll be honest though, I am far more leary of any AP who suggests they didn't care... because one of two things

 

1. They have thier head in the sand and it WILL come back and bite them and their spouse in the ass

 

2. They really did use the other person, and not only are they a "cake and eat it too" AP but also a person that would hurt and destroy many simply because their self-esteem was so low. What a ridiculous price for others to pay.

[SidLyon]

And you thought I was her why?

 

Just the name, just the name.

 

This is the thing, if anyone remotely suggests that maybe just maybe the WH was also being straight with them (OW) people want to jump on the bandwagon and suggest otherwise.

 

I think it's possible for the WH to be reasonably honest with the OW but never 100% honest - and of course there is a considerable lack of honesty with his W.

 

In our situation all three were confident/career driven professionals and attractive - none less than the other. While I appreciate why you would believe your H, especially going forward in reconcillation, is it not remotely possibly that by telling you ..." he was just being nice, etc" is to also soften the blow for you?

 

Are you addressing this to me because I don't recall him telling me he "just just being nice" nor did I say it in any of my posts. He was always looking out for what was "nice" for him though but I don't think that's what you meant is it?

 

The BS in our situation was not so lucky, and I was lucky in the fact that I did not get thrown under the bus. I am also sure she knows all about our life as he tried to be as open as he could be in answering the questions (at my urging, believe it or not I am a woman and felt a great deal of empathy and responsibility).

 

I don't think I was lucky at all so again you seem to have confused me with another "lucky" BS (is there any such thing?). If he's not with you then I think that technically he threw you away even if you agreed to it.

 

Again though, I can only say that if anything these boards have given me a really grateful true appreciation for our situation. It was awful especially considering all she was faced with, but in all of it, until the very end we were civil, respectful and REAL. She didn't put me down, nor did I put her down or try to manipulate the "bad marriage" to my favor.

 

Nice for you to be so grateful.

 

Nothing is ever black or white (where is the banging head smiley when you need it). I don't for a second believe he didn't care about his wife and believe me when I say she also knows he cared deeply about me. I don't regret our decision to part, nor did I do anything other than wish them both well in there decision to reconcile.

 

Fantastic for you to feel this way although I beg to disagree; there are some things in life which are black or white.

 

But for everything we say to each other to make ourselves feel better ( e.g. he said that to make her feel better) it can in fact be turned around.

 

I assume you are talking again about your situation not mine.

 

I am just really really grateful for the maturity and understanding of his W, and her ability not to forgive but to see colors rather than only one.

 

She sounds wonderful and it's no wonder he prefers her to you.

[Impudent Oyster]

And you thought I was her why?

 

This is the thing, if anyone remotely suggests that maybe just maybe the WH was also being straight with them (OW) people want to jump on the bandwagon and suggest otherwise.

.

 

There are times when the WH is being straight with the OW, but that's a very rare occurance. It does happen though,

 

The ONLY time a WH is truly "straight" with his OW is when he leaves his wife and brings his relationship with the OW out in the open. Then and only then is he being straight.

 

Anything else is a bunch of BS designed to keep the OW hidden and accepting crumbs for as long as he can string her along.

[Impudent Oyster]

Sanafa, I think it is very difficult for BSs ( and "reformed" APs) to have a decent exchange with APs who seem to be remorseless and/or who believe there was real love between the APs. It is a lot easier if the AP is remorseful, in pain and recognize AND accept the relationship was NOTHING. I don't know if there will ever be a happy middle ground where people can talk about this without bringing in their very own strong (oftentimes negative) emotions. Still, I know we cannot not try....I hope you do not give up...I think you are trying very hard to find answers and ask questions without being rude or inflammatory. You have been patient, I think. I know, I wouldn't have been.

 

IF there was real love for the OP on the WS part, they would leave the BS to be with them. PERIOD.

 

It's something that can easily be determined. In most cases the affair is just a fantasy that dissolves on impact with the harsh reality of exposure to real life.

[Sanafa]

IF there was real love for the OP on the WS part, they would leave the BS to be with them. PERIOD.

 

It's something that can easily be determined. In most cases the affair is just a fantasy that dissolves on impact with the harsh reality of exposure to real life.

 

You do realize Tami is also a BS?

 

Any statement ending with a Period suggests there is only one real answer.

 

I agree that most affairs are fantasy, but then most are based on Physical or short term. Not ALL and certainly not ALL leave, many stay because it is expected of them, many stay because of the family unit ( loving W aside) and other stayed for Professional/Career reasons.

 

Again, attempting to put everyone is the same pot and throw the lid on never works....not in affairs, not in marriage and not in life.

[Sanafa]

Sorry, don't have time to respond and can't delete the post.

[silktricks]

You do realize Tami is also a BS?

 

Any statement ending with a Period suggests there is only one real answer.

 

I agree that most affairs are fantasy, but then most are based on Physical or short term. Not ALL and certainly not ALL leave, many stay because it is expected of them, many stay because of the family unit ( loving W aside) and other stayed for Professional/Career reasons.

 

Again, attempting to put everyone is the same pot and throw the lid on never works....not in affairs, not in marriage and not in life.

 

Tami is BS and OW - not quite the same dynamic IMO. And since we're correcting, NID is not a WS....

 

It's true, of course, that one cannot put everyone into the same pot and throw on the lid... which is one of the reasons I personally have had some difficulty with some of your posts, as that appears to be what you are doing with BS who choose to forgive their WS. To me their is an undertone of arrogance in your posts that I personally find a bit distasteful.

 

You speak only of WS staying with the wife for family and finances. Those of us who have chosen to forgive our spouses can and have spoken of our experiences. We have personally been through hell and back (and taken our spouses with us on occasion) we are certain of the reasons they stayed. I personally would never have stayed with me husband if I wasn't completely dead certain of his reasons for attempting to reconcile.

 

Yet, you completely disregard these personal experiences and speak of the BS as "settling". Settling for what? For a husband who loves us, who has literally gone through the fires of hell to show that love? Did they screw up? Damn straight they did - in the most hurtful way possible. But... what you and most other OW don't seem to "get" is that there really are many reasons for having affairs. Some of them are based in love. Some are not.

 

You don't want people to assume that you fit the stereotype of the OW... (if there truly is a stereotypical anyone I'll eat my hat.... ) but you seem to not realize that you are casting BS is a stereotypical role yourself. Possibly that is why you've rubbed a couple of posters a little raw...

[Impudent Oyster]

You do realize Tami is also a BS?

 

.

 

Why would that make a difference to me or in how I responded?

 

It doesn't. My statement stands.

[Impudent Oyster]

You do realize Tami is also a BS?

 

Any statement ending with a Period suggests there is only one real answer.

 

I agree that most affairs are fantasy, but then most are based on Physical or short term. Not ALL and certainly not ALL leave, many stay because it is expected of them, many stay because of the family unit ( loving W aside) and other stayed for Professional/Career reasons.

 

Again, attempting to put everyone is the same pot and throw the lid on never works....not in affairs, not in marriage and not in life.

 

Professional/Career reasons?

 

In what profession or career would getting divorced be a hindrance? Other than President of the United States?

 

Even ministers get divorced and it doesn't damage their careers.

[silktricks]

sorry for the typos in my prior post, but IO was too quick, so I didn't get a chance to correct them... (I think you'll understand my meanings anyway...)

[silktricks]

Professional/Career reasons?

 

In what profession or career would getting divorced be a hindrance? Other than President of the United States?

 

Even ministers get divorced and it doesn't damage their careers.

 

maybe if you work for the family of the person you are divorcing....????

[Snowflower]

You don't want people to assume that you fit the stereotype of the OW... (if there truly is a stereotypical anyone I'll eat my hat.... ) but you seem to not realize that you are casting BS is a stereotypical role yourself. Possibly that is why you've rubbed a couple of posters a little raw...

 

This whole post was great, SK, I just quoted the last part. I agree with all of it and it applies to my situation, as well. My FWH begged for a second chance...he still tells me almost daily how grateful he is that I had the strength and compassion to do so.

 

Sanafa, you are a recent member and I, for one, welcome your input here. But, think about it...this is the INFIDELITY forum...there are a lot of betrayed spouses here. What do you expect when you post a hypothetical assertion that the WS usually stays in a marriage because they 'have to' (meaning, the kids, finances, the BS somehow coerces them to stay, etc)? Several posters have chimed that this simply isn't true based on their own experiences.

 

I'm not one of those members here who think that BS's should only post on the infidelity forum and the OM/OW should stay over on their own forum. I like the varying viewpoints. There are several WS and OW/OM who post here on the infidelity forum and I respect their viewpoints, PKN, MistyK, ConfusedinKansas, come to mind and there are others. I'm not saying I agree with everything these posters say, sometimes they make me mad, sometimes stuff they say 'bothers' me as a FBS, but I respect their viewpoints. Sanafa, you seem to have come here to gloat.

 

If I went over on the OW/OM forum and started a thread about "Haha, my WH dumped his OW and came back to me" and gloated about it and went on and on about how the AP is horrible person with no morals, I would be blasted, probably deservedly so. So I wouldn't think of doing this...I wouldn't even do it here in the infidelity forum.

 

Please participate in this forum...just be mindful of the pain of many posters here. BTW, I think most posters here are goin' pretty easy on ya'...I've seen a lot worse!

[Sanafa]

This whole post was great, SK, I just quoted the last part. I agree with all of it and it applies to my situation, as well. My FWH begged for a second chance...he still tells me almost daily how grateful he is that I had the strength and compassion to do so.

 

Sanafa, you are a recent member and I, for one, welcome your input here. But, think about it...this is the INFIDELITY forum...there are a lot of betrayed spouses here. What do you expect when you post a hypothetical assertion that the WS usually stays in a marriage because they 'have to' (meaning, the kids, finances, the BS somehow coerces them to stay, etc)? Several posters have chimed that this simply isn't true based on their own experiences.

 

I'm not one of those members here who think that BS's should only post on the infidelity forum and the OM/OW should stay over on their own forum. I like the varying viewpoints. There are several WS and OW/OM who post here on the infidelity forum and I respect their viewpoints, PKN, MistyK, ConfusedinKansas, come to mind and there are others. I'm not saying I agree with everything these posters say, sometimes they make me mad, sometimes stuff they say 'bothers' me as a FBS, but I respect their viewpoints. Sanafa, you seem to have come here to gloat.

 

If I went over on the OW/OM forum and started a thread about "Haha, my WH dumped his OW and came back to me" and gloated about it and went on and on about how the AP is horrible person with no morals, I would be blasted, probably deservedly so. So I wouldn't think of doing this...I wouldn't even do it here in the infidelity forum.

 

Please participate in this forum...just be mindful of the pain of many posters here. BTW, I think most posters here are goin' pretty easy on ya'...I've seen a lot worse!

 

Gloat? What would I/do I have to gloat about? I haven't said whooo.... hahaha... I got him or he only loves me or he will be back or anything remotely suggesting I have anything to gloat about.

 

It is not to gloat at all, and I really do enjoy several posters as well that can share thier experience, what I have a problem with is the comments that lead to " period"....same as "end of discussion".

 

I have never said ALL stay or go for the same reason, and I really do agree that many stay for the right reasons, I do.

 

I have nothing to gloat about, as I have said and you can choose to believe it or not, I would simply like it if we ALL remember that there is a person on the other side. Being respectful and showing your opinion/situation can be done without putting a blanket over everyone.

 

When I have spoke of my opinion and not just a question, I have always said "in my situation". Not suggesting it is everyone's, in fact - I think the exact opposite, no two are ever the same...similarities but never the same.

 

And yes, when I am questioned regarding how they could possibly be intertwined professionally to the point where D while an option, has to be the last resort... it is suggested that it isn't possible and the opinion is he would really leave if he wanted. Again, assumptions- if you don't know the whole story its impossible for you to make such statements, yet many are.

 

The company, the kids and the outer family are the core reasons....yet I have also said I know he loves and respects her... I am not naive at all, simply saying if it were just about myself and the W, with no other factors, the decision may not have been the same.

 

I have nothing to gloat about.... we were responsible, have taken responsibility and chosen our direction and respect that. If you take my "devils advocate" position to mean superiority than I apologize but I do it to open up the "possibility" that there can be other motives, regardless of how confident some are that there are not.

 

I am really fine with most that have participated, and as far as NID ( I did realize I had them confused about being the WS) I simply found no actual thought in response, rather I " I agree.,.... yes, yes"... to me that contributes nothing and being quick to jump on me simply is no better than someone being quick to jump on another.

 

Not everyone has to like everyone, but when the caddy responses come out ( I have been guilty of that as well) it benifits no one.

[silktricks]

Sanafa, below are some direct quotes from posts you made on this thread.

Yes, I know many men in a half assed marriage ( sorry ladies, he isn't going to tell ya that) but it is the truth simply because the cost of divorce, not being with the children, family is more important than being happy.

Let's face it, if he was straying, things were strained long before it isn't going to take much to improve relations or look like your trying.

If a MM/MW wants to cheat they will.... and if their initial commitment/vow to the W/H wasn't enough to stop them, neither will " I am sorry, will never do it again".

For every marriage that had a somewhat "normal" affair and DDay... there are ten that did not. They are ten that after 2 years or even 5 are still beating each other up, still living in fear and pain of "what if", still questioning if they should stay in the marriage. You call that reconciliation?

You think the MM is having a great time banging his head year after year and is doing it for the W? Seriously, if you can't admit that many marriage use the umbrella ( family, money, careers) to remain in tact, I do believe you are just as delusional.

Affairs mean a problem and I am not buying anything else, for those that repair, congrats not easy but to think that the guy who lied to day in and day out isn't capable of doing it again and by the way far more likely than someone you may have a relationship with than I am sorry.... by all means, go for it.

Obviously, these are all out of context, but the words still hurt.

 

Can you understand the level of insult you have laid at those of us who post on this board who have forgiven our spouses and now have a good and happy marriage? And the pain you provide to those who are still struggling with the destruction of their lives? The last one is IMO the one that truly tells the story of how you personally feel about BS. So, if you really do want to get past the insults and stereotypes as you have said you do, please do those of us who you have insulted the favor of recognizing your own stereotyping as you attempt to point out ours.

 

As Snowflower wrote, this is the infidelity board. You are on "our turf" please respect us as you would like to be respected. Like Snowflower, I enjoy the cross-posting and the interaction between the various groups, but please attempt to recognize that just as BS don't "own" the truth, neither do OW.

[tami-chan]

IF there was real love for the OP on the WS part, they would leave the BS to be with them. PERIOD.

 

It's something that can easily be determined. In most cases the affair is just a fantasy that dissolves on impact with the harsh reality of exposure to real life.

 

It's the age old question depending on which side of the fence you sit.

[Sanafa]

Sanafa, below are some direct quotes from posts you made on this thread.

Obviously, these are all out of context, but the words still hurt.

 

Can you understand the level of insult you have laid at those of us who post on this board who have forgiven our spouses and now have a good and happy marriage? And the pain you provide to those who are still struggling with the destruction of their lives? The last one is IMO the one that truly tells the story of how you personally feel about BS. So, if you really do want to get past the insults and stereotypes as you have said you do, please do those of us who you have insulted the favor of recognizing your own stereotyping as you attempt to point out ours.

 

As Snowflower wrote, this is the infidelity board. You are on "our turf" please respect us as you would like to be respected. Like Snowflower, I enjoy the cross-posting and the interaction between the various groups, but please attempt to recognize that just as BS don't "own" the truth, neither do OW.

 

I won't bother quoting what I was referencing to in those comments as I have already admitted I have been guilty of getting my guard up...... and again, taking a sentence and assuming it tells you about how I "really" feel is simply your choice, but holds little truth.

 

Considering I have had my share of mud thrown at me, I think in over 50 posts I have held up fairly well... not perfect, no one is.

 

And the whole "my turf".... I will never get that, ever. As the OW, there are several OW I may or may not agree with and the same can be said with the BS.

 

In truth, I think it is more harmful to avoid these conversations...because if you are going through a difficult time, decision or struggle with the Affair, I honestly believe you have to be able to deal with all the variables, so I do think BS should consider opinions of the other side just as an OW should.

 

Yeah, the comments can sting us as well... doesn't mean we can't learn and grow from them. I would rather think I have a better understanding of the entire affair than just a one-sided ( both sides) view.

[tami-chan]

Well, I was a BS ( a very young, faithful BS for a more than a dozen years)..when the chips settled, I did do the math...and decided that since my H did not want a divorce ( because he "loved " me and OW was already history) to stay in the marriage BUT only on my terms. I sincerely believe that while my H loved me ( and claims he still does) he also weighed the cost(emotional and financial) and did what was he thought was best for our situation and also stayed(even though he denies this). We were cordial and civil and provided a peaceful existence for our daughter. He continued being a cheat but we both continued providing a stable home for our child. of course now, we are divorcing.

 

I remember being called pathetic by some for staying. The poster of course did not know that my husband and I did not have the normal husband and wife relationship. But I do not regret my life as a whole. I do not regret staying married. At the time, life was not about me, it was about the little life that depended on me to do the "right thing"-at that time, the right thing was to not disrupt the status quo...to be humble...to focus on the goals...

 

But that's just me.....

[Sanafa]

Well, I was a BS ( a very young, faithful BS for a more than a dozen years)..when the chips settled, I did do the math...and decided that since my H did not want a divorce ( because he "loved " me and OW was already history) to stay in the marriage BUT only on my terms. I sincerely believe that while my H loved me ( and claims he still does) he also weighed the cost(emotional and financial) and did what was he thought was best for our situation and also stayed(even though he denies this). We were cordial and civil and provided a peaceful existence for our daughter. He continued being a cheat but we both continued providing a stable home for our child. of course now, we are divorcing.

 

I remember being called pathetic by some for staying. The poster of course did not know that my husband and I did not have the normal husband and wife relationship. But I do not regret my life as a whole. I do not regret staying married. At the time, life was not about me, it was about the little life that depended on me to do the "right thing"-at that time, the right thing was to not disrupt the status quo...to be humble...to focus on the goals...

 

But that's just me.....

 

I know people will say I am "agreeing" because I am motivated too and that you don't count because you have been both;)...and maybe that is true but I do see this more than a happy reconciliation revolving around the W/H relationship, and must have a great respect and love for both to work in any real capacity. (sorry, only my experience with those I know who have been through it).

 

I respect your honesty and think your "eyes wide open" were an important part of why you could do the right thing and I think for many it really is the right thing to do, for the right reasons.

[silktricks]

Well, I was a BS ( a very young, faithful BS for a more than a dozen years)..when the chips settled, I did do the math...and decided that since my H did not want a divorce ( because he "loved " me and OW was already history) to stay in the marriage BUT only on my terms. I sincerely believe that while my H loved me ( and claims he still does) he also weighed the cost(emotional and financial) and did what was he thought was best for our situation and also stayed(even though he denies this). We were cordial and civil and provided a peaceful existence for our daughter.

 

And kudos to you for making that life for your daughter. I, of course, never said your opinion didn't count, I said it changed the dynamic, as of course it does. The fact that your were both BS and OW does change the dynamic. It also is fairly common on these boards. As you know, the description fits me as well.

 

However, people being people tend to relate more to one group than they do the other, especially when there is a large disparity in the opinions of both. I do not know what causes the choice. I used to think a person related more to what they were the last, but as I said I don't really know why one relates more to one than the other - but it is human nature to do so. You tend to relate more to OW, I tend to relate more to BS.

 

The fact, however, that you chose to stay with your husband for your daughter, despite his philandering does not in any way mean that is the reason for all or even most reconciliations. I don't know that I would even call your eventual living arrangement a reconciliation.

 

My point is (and has been) that some marriages do truly reconcile and both partners are happy. Mine is. Owl's is. The fact that yours was not is sad, the fact that most OW either cannot see (or do not want to see) the possibility is unfortunate. (As a matter of fact, many BS cannot see the possibility either.) That many OW think they can come to the infidelity section and be disrespectful but expect BS to be respectful in the OW section is hypocritical - and the same is true in the other direction.

 

BTW, Sanafa, I have never said that I don't appreciate discussion. I do - otherwise I'd never bother to come here. I enjoy it even when my opinion is vastly different from others. You are quite correct, it can be a learning experience. However, if there is disagreement, it doesn't hurt to be open to the possibility that the other person has seen or experienced something we have not. And if people don't call you (not pointing at you - I'm speaking in the general sense) on when you are being disrespectful and hurtful - well then, just how are you going to learn?

[Sanafa]

My point is (and has been) that some marriages do truly reconcile and both partners are happy. Mine is. Owl's is. The fact that yours was not is sad, the fact that most OW either cannot see (or do not want to see) the possibility is unfortunate. (As a matter of fact, many BS cannot see the possibility either.) That many OW think they can come to the infidelity section and be disrespectful but expect BS to be respectful in the OW section is hypocritical - and the same is true in the other direction.

 

BTW, Sanafa, I have never said that I don't appreciate discussion. I do - otherwise I'd never bother to come here. I enjoy it even when my opinion is vastly different from others. You are quite correct, it can be a learning experience. However, if there is disagreement, it doesn't hurt to be open to the possibility that the other person has seen or experienced something we have not. And if people don't call you (not pointing at you - I'm speaking in the general sense) on when you are being disrespectful and hurtful - well then, just how are you going to learn?

 

I agree with and have since the beginning of this thread.... of course not all do one thing or another, but I am having as much trouble suggesting that without getting a club on the head as any BS is.

 

I am also fine with being called on things, as long as it is a two way street.

 

Several have put me down personally " She lovely, now I know why he choose her" or suggest they know MY situation, .... and no, that is not respectful. Regardless there are many others and no one has suggested they were out of line, and that's ok---- but those are the ones that I have put my guard up with as well, and I am happy to do that, but it is unfair that I am seen as the " disrespectful and hurtful one" simply because they are a BS rather than an OW.

[SidLyon]

I agree with and have since the beginning of this thread.... of course not all do one thing or another, but I am having as much trouble suggesting that without getting a club on the head as any BS is.

 

I am also fine with being called on things, as long as it is a two way street.

 

Several have put me down personally " She lovely, now I know why he choose her" or suggest they know MY situation, .... and no, that is not respectful. Regardless there are many others and no one has suggested they were out of line, and that's ok---- but those are the ones that I have put my guard up with as well, and I am happy to do that, but it is unfair that I am seen as the " disrespectful and hurtful one" simply because they are a BS rather than an OW.

 

I think you might be referring to me when the following exchange took place:

 

[you] I am just really really grateful for the maturity and understanding of his W, and her ability not to forgive but to see colors rather than only one.

 

[me] She sounds wonderful and it's no wonder he prefers her to you.

 

In my defence I was echoing what you yourself had said about the BW in your situation - I did not say she was lovely etc - you were misquoting me - if you put things in quotes may I respectfully suggest that they actually be quotes rather than your own paraphrasing.

 

I was especially frustrated that you seem to be of the view that your MM has returned to his wife perhaps because of children, finances or whatever and has thrown you under the bus while still pining for you and considering you to be his real soulmate. This is a common misconception by abandoned OW; and is just as unrealistic a view as any BW who believes that her H never really cared for the OW.

 

S

 

PS The earlier post of mine I referred to had some other stuff in it as well but because of my inability to get interspersing right it looked like you had written it - I'm sorry for that.

[Sanafa]

I think you might be referring to me when the following exchange took place:

 

[you] I am just really really grateful for the maturity and understanding of his W, and her ability not to forgive but to see colors rather than only one.

 

[me] She sounds wonderful and it's no wonder he prefers her to you.

 

In my defence I was echoing what you yourself had said about the BW in your situation - I did not say she was lovely etc - you were misquoting me - if you put things in quotes may I respectfully suggest that they actually be quotes rather than your own paraphrasing.

 

I was especially frustrated that you seem to be of the view that your MM has returned to his wife perhaps because of children, finances or whatever and has thrown you under the bus while still pining for you and considering you to be his real soulmate. This is a common misconception by abandoned OW; and is just as unrealistic a view as any BW who believes that her H never really cared for the OW.

 

S

 

PS The earlier post of mine I referred to had some other stuff in it as well but because of my inability to get interspersing right it looked like you had written it - I'm sorry for that.

 

You are correct and I do apologize for the "lovely" vs "wonderful"

 

But I still find it amazing that while you don't know me, you don't know him or the relationship at all, that you can admittedly assume that I am "pining" or that you know in any way shape or form that I am a "misconceived" about MY relationship.

 

That I find is the primary problem, while you insist I must be pining and in the same pot as all the other women thrown under a bus and not remotely understand or be open to the idea that not ALL men go back for the reasons you believe, that MANY (not all) do choose to go back for a number of reasons and that the idea of that for most BS is horrifying ( I do understand that)

 

Yes, this is when I get my back up.... I have never specifically said to you, " I know you are just a BS who's husband went back for the wrong reasons, yada yada" and I find it extremely offensive that when you respond you specifically speak to me as if you know ANYTHING regarding my situation, it is arrogant beyond belief.

 

I have not said to anyone here that there situation is not as they see it, yet because you don't like my position you continue to suggest that in MY situation, you are in the know.

 

Yes, offensive and arrogant and unfortunate if BS choose to believe they fully know a relationship that they were not involved in..