Questions for both sides

[Gamine]

Marriage, dating, and affairs don't fix or complete people. Relationships cannot sustain the fuel for an individual who requires life support to feel good about themselves or manage their lives. It is the reaching, the needing, the quest for completeness that ruins all relationships.

 

All relationships are not cures for what ails. There are individuals who grow differently from their partner and who are whole... who find themselves interested in a partner that is kindred to where they are in their life and who they have evolved into being. This can happen... finding this person... via an affair.

 

There are those individuals who are genuinely living with a void inside of themselves. Who turn to their marriage as a way of filling this void. No one person can take care of another all of the time. Marriage is not, and should not be, day care or a never ending session on the psychiatrist's couch, or a substitution for needs unmet by mommy or daddy, or used to heal sexual abuse. Life when we are children can be messy. For those who had it messy they can often continue to live in the dynamics of their childhoods and not even realize they are doing it. This applies even to those men who assert that they are bored in the bedroom.

 

The difference here is that some married people having affairs are whole. Some are not. Externally it may manifest itself similarly but the state of the person is what differentiates the two.

 

For those who have mommy or daddy issues, sex abuse issues, self esteem issues due to neglect as a child... well, their fuel is attention and validation.

 

We are a thing or we are not a thing. No one outside of ourselves can ever complete us.

[Impudent Oyster]

But.... there are many cases - including those on love shack - where the WS does exactly that, and after the initial furor dies down at home is right back in the OW's bed .

 

Oh absolutely.

 

My response to that is....big deal, so they're back to secretly screwing.

 

I guess if that's what constitutes a relationship for some people, then they win!

[Reggie]

It really does seem to me that a high% of people that cheat do subscribe to the philosophy that another person, in this case the spouse, is responsible for their fulfillment and happiness. I think it is reasonable to expect our spouse to mmet some of our needs , some of the time. But, I keep seeing some folks that have affairs abdicate responsibility for their own happiness and responsibility for tackling their childhood issues, as Gamine mentions.

I feel this is in part due to some of the propoganda that is put out by unrealistic TV shows, movies, and books.

I see this in other areas of life, as well. I can see it a fair amount in the people that to whom I give golf insstruction, for example. Thye want a quick fix, something magical or the want to purchase new equipment(sort of like getting an affair partner) to make them better.

Thye fail to see the endless hours of frustrating practice, the blisters, the fatigue etc. that goes into becoming really accomplished.

I can spot, almost immediately, the folks that will really commit. Thye have a high threshold for frustration and a work ethic that allows them to grind it out and do the work.

My XWW, as a justification for having cheated, once said to me that the reason was that I "did not make her feel special". this was despite the fact that I had taken on two extra jobs to enable her to stay home , as she desired. I would do my share of the hosework and child rearing, as time permitted and had virtually no free time. It was a no win situation, as her expectations were so unrealistic.

I just see the WS as a person with less perserverance and unrealistic expectations, maany times and I do not see them evolving unless they get a handle on this concept that they need to take reponsibility for their own happiness.

My XWW also told a neighbor, "I don't believe in happily ever after, anymore". It is as if she felt that once married, there would be no issues, no work to maintain the relationship. I see this in golf, too. It is a high maintenance endeavor with periodic rewards.

[Impudent Oyster]

Impundent Oyster

 

For every marriage that had a somewhat "normal" affair and DDay... there are ten that did not. They are ten that after 2 years or even 5 are still beating each other up, still living in fear and pain of "what if", still questioning if they should stay in the marriage. You call that reconciliation?

 

You think the MM is having a great time banging his head year after year and is doing it for the W? Seriously, if you can't admit that many marriage use the umbrella ( family, money, careers) to remain in tact, I do believe you are just as delusional.

 

And you are one of the low % where the MM tells the wife. Normally, that comes from outside and yes it can be years into the affair. Again, it is impossible to give advice to anyone on a public board when no two situations are ever the same. And sorry, but just as many IC/MC and writers will tell you if there is an affair.....something is broken, regardless of what you want to think.

 

Look at all the WS here, especially after they start to reconcile, I am not saying they aren't responsible for the actions from a result of being unhappy in the house, but they were unhappy in the house and needed an affair to fill the voids, more often than not those are intimacy voids ( not monkey sex like most think).

 

Everyone keeps assuming that I want my MM back..... quiet the opposite. We both knew if things came out in a DDay neither of us would be able to move forward, we talked about it and I bet there are many MM who spoke to the other person ( in our case over 2 weeks) BEFORE committing to the marriage. It is easier and the right thing to do, but does that mean they will work? Who knows - depending on what stat you want anywhere from 30-60% with a whole bunch of variables to boot.

 

Affairs mean a problem and I am not buying anything else, for those that repair, congrats not easy but to think that the guy who lied to day in and day out isn't capable of doing it again and by the way far more likely than someone you may have a relationship with than I am sorry.... by all means, go for it.

 

And again, you are privy to the boards, what is it..... 1 out of 10, maybe 15 that actually go back to the OW as long as a year after the fact.

 

If you want to be accurate, there are several boards and for ever forum that is about surviving there are ten that are about leaving, challenges and plain old divorce.

 

I am thankful for one thing, our DDay was big, but I am really grateful that all three were adults and the drama that I see here is not what I have to live with. An amicable split, as much as any Affair could be, I wish them well and if they don't make it it won't be because of me and it won't be because he has the option to return.

 

Honestly, I'm not quite sure what your point is.

 

Yes, some people stay married after d-day for the wrong reasons and aren't happy.

 

Is that what you want to hear?

 

I believe that's a very low percentage though, I think most couples who reconcile after d-day ultimately have better and stronger marriages.

 

"if they don't make it it won't be because of me and it won't be because he has the option to return."

 

I agree with the above 100%. He didn't have the affair because of you and his marriage won't break-up because of you either. You could have been anyone.

[Impudent Oyster]

Impundent Oyster

.

Affairs mean a problem and I am not buying anything else, .

 

I agree with this as well...affairs are the result of a problem WITH THE PERSON HAVING THE AFFAIR though, not necessarily with the marriage they happen to be in.

[Reggie]

I agree with this as well...affairs are the result of a problem WITH THE PERSON HAVING THE AFFAIR though, not necessarily with the marriage they happen to be in.

 

This is true, IMO. BUT, I feel that if the WS is broken, almost universally that brokeness has caused the pre-existing problem in the marriage. I think there is truth that in most marriages where a partner cheats, there are problems. Much of the reading I have done on this suggests, based on a study or interviews, that the WS was the major contributor to the pre-A problems. This makes sense to me, as having an affair is a clear sign of a lack of integrity, problem solving ability and poor communication skills. These are not qualities that are likely to result in a good marriage.

[bentnotbroken]

Impundent Oyster

 

It's great that you are confident with your reconciliation, you should be otherwise it wouldn't work.

 

What I have a problem with on both sides and will continue is this adage that " it's the norm". You said take a look here, I suggest you do the same.

 

For every marriage that had a somewhat "normal" affair and DDay... there are ten that did not. They are ten that after 2 years or even 5 are still beating each other up, still living in fear and pain of "what if", still questioning if they should stay in the marriage. You call that reconciliation?

 

You think the MM is having a great time banging his head year after year and is doing it for the W? Seriously, if you can't admit that many marriage use the umbrella ( family, money, careers) to remain in tact, I do believe you are just as delusional.

 

And you are one of the low % where the MM tells the wife. Normally, that comes from outside and yes it can be years into the affair. Again, it is impossible to give advice to anyone on a public board when no two situations are ever the same. And sorry, but just as many IC/MC and writers will tell you if there is an affair.....something is broken, regardless of what you want to think.

 

Look at all the WS here, especially after they start to reconcile, I am not saying they aren't responsible for the actions from a result of being unhappy in the house, but they were unhappy in the house and needed an affair to fill the voids, more often than not those are intimacy voids ( not monkey sex like most think).

 

Everyone keeps assuming that I want my MM back..... quiet the opposite. We both knew if things came out in a DDay neither of us would be able to move forward, we talked about it and I bet there are many MM who spoke to the other person ( in our case over 2 weeks) BEFORE committing to the marriage. It is easier and the right thing to do, but does that mean they will work? Who knows - depending on what stat you want anywhere from 30-60% with a whole bunch of variables to boot.

 

Affairs mean a problem and I am not buying anything else, for those that repair, congrats not easy but to think that the guy who lied to day in and day out isn't capable of doing it again and by the way far more likely than someone you may have a relationship with than I am sorry.... by all means, go for it.

 

And again, you are privy to the boards, what is it..... 1 out of 10, maybe 15 that actually go back to the OW as long as a year after the fact.

 

If you want to be accurate, there are several boards and for ever forum that is about surviving there are ten that are about leaving, challenges and plain old divorce.

 

I am thankful for one thing, our DDay was big, but I am really grateful that all three were adults and the drama that I see here is not what I have to live with. An amicable split, as much as any Affair could be, I wish them well and if they don't make it it won't be because of me and it won't be because he has the option to return.

 

 

You are right that an affair means there was a problem or problems in the marriage. With your logic tough shouldn't both partners cheat? Why is that sometimes on one partner cheats, or neither partner cheats, they just live in a miserable marriage? Or better yet they divorce and move on. The reasons that are given for cheating are of course wide and varied. But it never seems to hold up for all parties involved.

 

My question is always this. I was in the same bad marriage. I also wasn't having my needs met. I also felt let down, unloved, mistreated and disrespected. These are all serious issues in any relationship. Mr. Messy says these were some of the things that he felt too. So, why did he cheat and I didn't? My opinion is coping mechanisms, commitment level, and personal integrity and character.

 

We all can use any reason we want to justify actions. It is after all human nature to want what we want, when want it and the easiest way to get it. That shouldn't mean anything goes. As we mature, we should be able to deal with our issues like adults instead of grade school kids in the learning stages of being a responsible productive member of society. We shouldn't walk around with fake smiles on our faces, leaving a wake of destruction behind us in the name of emotions.

 

As humans we are emotional, but to be lead by those emotions, to let them make the decisions for your life without regard to the impact it would have on others is irresponsible IMO. When a MP comes on to someone why even the consideration of becoming involved no matter what their reason for looking is? Yes, they may(probably) would still have an A, but why does it have to be with you?(general statement).

 

One of the things that I have always found funny is the thought that the BS hasn't had advances made to them by others. Not all of us fit the stereotype of what a BS looks like. Some of us are well educated, articulate and lead fairly interesting lives. Why wouldn't someone find us attractive, after all the WS did at some point. I have heard this said by AP about the WS.

 

NO matter what one believes their issues are with their spouse, there will always be those who handle them with courage, dignity and respect. And there will always be more than willing to sneak, lie, deceive, and treat others with the respect of a warm steaming pile of cow dung.

[Dexter Morgan]

For having such low self respect to have an affair. Could many not turn that around and say the BS has just as little? I was never lied to, in my situation he didn't pretend he would leave and we both knew why that was. But for so many BS to call the OW/OM unconfident, needy, etc is that not hypicritical?

 

no. first off, its a little more complicated for someone married and with a family to just leave. I am fully aware there are many reasons, such as children, finances, etc. that most spouses don't want to leave a cheater...all of which I believe are the wrong reasons.

 

But there are more ties that bind, relevant or irrelevant, that a BS has that the OW does not.

 

 

Both the OW/OM and the BS often go to the ends of the earth for the Cheating MM so is one really better than the other?

 

the BS is the one that didn't have a choice in being hurt. The OW/OM knew what they were getting into, assuming they weren't lied to from the beginning about the MM/MW's marital status.

 

 

 

And finally ( for now) is it even remotely possible that the MM/MW was doing the best they could?

 

best they could at what? keeping their pecker in their pants or keeping their legs crossed to other people outside their marriage?

 

 

Is it possible that they still love and thier choice to go outside the marriage while wrong may have been at the time thier way of doing the right thing?

 

no, and the notion that they thought going outside the marriage was the right thing is absurd.

 

 

Many people love each other without having chemistry but as humans being loved, being intimate is a need.

 

then they should get a divorce and fullfill that need til their hearts content

 

 

So, if all is ok with the family core ( they are still friends, still have sex occassionally) is it even remotely possible that instead of the "cake and have it to theory" they are actually trying to be honorable and maintain the commitment they took while choosing to have their basic needs met as well?

 

ah, I see what is going on here with your post....looking to blame the BS or say, "hey, if their marriage was good, he wouldn't be f#####g me!!!"

 

 

BS or AP - many use manipulating and threatening tactics to stay involved either in the marriage or the affair.... why is one better than the other?

 

because one didn't go outside the marriage to have sex with someone else, and one didn't have sex with someone elses H/W....just a guess:o

[Reggie]

You know, Dex, the way you dissect these things in such a straightforward, logical manner is quite good. Personally, I can see no flaws in the points you made.

[pkn06002]

because one didn't go outside the marriage to have sex with someone else, and one didn't have sex with someone elses H/W....just a guess:o

 

Well finally I read a BS that says something I have always thought. The sin that hurts is the only one YOU care about. To a BS it is the cheating all to other sins are immaterial since they did not effect you.

 

Of course you agree with him Reggie your on his side of the fence, duh!!!

[Spark1111]

Well finally I read a BS that says something I have always thought. The sin that hurts is the only one YOU care about. To a BS it is the cheating all to other sins are immaterial since they did not effect you.

 

Of course you agree with him Reggie your on his side of the fence, duh!!!

Jeez, it makes sense to me too!

 

Some children grow up in horrific homes, but do not go to jail, abuse substances, or wreak hovoc. Some people are in horrific relationships, but do not cheat as an answer to their relationship problems.

 

The inverse is true, also. Some children grow up in horrific homes and DO go on to become abusers or drugs and others. Some people, with slight dissatisfaction in a marital relationship DO cheat.

 

The study of human behavior is more interested in those character aspects that preclude someone to be at risk. Hurting others to fulfill one's unmet needs by secrecy and betrayal is a just a big red flag in studies of human behavior.

 

I, too, was miserable in my marriage. But I realized a new penis was not what would make me happy. Divert me from my inner wilderness??? Delay me from addressing my sadness??? Well, of course.

 

But calling it love to justify hurting others wouldn't fly with me., because I do not believe love should hurt anyone, myself included.

 

I agree with Bent, Reggie, Dexter and Gamine.

I get it, and I agree with it.

[Gamine]

You are right that an affair means there was a problem or problems in the marriage. With your logic tough shouldn't both partners cheat? Why is that sometimes on one partner cheats, or neither partner cheats, they just live in a miserable marriage? Or better yet they divorce and move on. The reasons that are given for cheating are of course wide and varied. But it never seems to hold up for all parties involved.

 

My question is always this. I was in the same bad marriage. I also wasn't having my needs met. I also felt let down, unloved, mistreated and disrespected. These are all serious issues in any relationship. Mr. Messy says these were some of the things that he felt too. So, why did he cheat and I didn't? My opinion is coping mechanisms, commitment level, and personal integrity and character.

 

We all can use any reason we want to justify actions. It is after all human nature to want what we want, when want it and the easiest way to get it. That shouldn't mean anything goes. As we mature, we should be able to deal with our issues like adults instead of grade school kids in the learning stages of being a responsible productive member of society. We shouldn't walk around with fake smiles on our faces, leaving a wake of destruction behind us in the name of emotions.

 

As humans we are emotional, but to be lead by those emotions, to let them make the decisions for your life without regard to the impact it would have on others is irresponsible IMO. When a MP comes on to someone why even the consideration of becoming involved no matter what their reason for looking is? Yes, they may(probably) would still have an A, but why does it have to be with you?(general statement).

 

One of the things that I have always found funny is the thought that the BS hasn't had advances made to them by others. Not all of us fit the stereotype of what a BS looks like. Some of us are well educated, articulate and lead fairly interesting lives. Why wouldn't someone find us attractive, after all the WS did at some point. I have heard this said by AP about the WS.

 

NO matter what one believes their issues are with their spouse, there will always be those who handle them with courage, dignity and respect. And there will always be more than willing to sneak, lie, deceive, and treat others with the respect of a warm steaming pile of cow dung.

 

Holy crap this is an excellent post! You get three bunnies.... :bunny:

[silktricks]

I'm not impudent oyster, but will reply here anyway.... partly because I think to a certain extent you got us confused.

For every marriage that had a somewhat "normal" affair and DDay... there are ten that did not. They are ten that after 2 years or even 5 are still beating each other up, still living in fear and pain of "what if", still questioning if they should stay in the marriage. You call that reconciliation?

of course that's not reconciliation - wherever did you get the idea that any BS here would consider it to be such?

 

You think the MM is having a great time banging his head year after year and is doing it for the W? Seriously, if you can't admit that many marriage use the umbrella ( family, money, careers) to remain in tact, I do believe you are just as delusional.

 

And you are one of the low % where the MM tells the wife. Normally, that comes from outside and yes it can be years into the affair. Again, it is impossible to give advice to anyone on a public board when no two situations are ever the same. And sorry, but just as many IC/MC and writers will tell you if there is an affair.....something is broken, regardless of what you want to think.

Of course it is possible to give advice. Some advice can be consistent, even if the situations are not.

 

But you seem to be making assumptions here as well. Some MM are undoubtedly not happy in the marriage, even while trying to make it work after D-Day. They are the ones who are staying for family, money and careers. However, there are some MM who do not fit that description. Those MM/MW are staying because the WANT to stay married - not because of the "umbrella" but because they love their spouse. I'm not saying that is the case with your particular situation - I don't know your situation. I do say that is the case with mine, as I know it.

 

and of course something was broken in our marriage pre-affair. Had there not been, he wouldn't have had it. However, what was broken has been healed. And you know the old saying... a broken bone heals stronger than it was before the break - well, that is certainly true of our marriage.

 

Look at all the WS here, especially after they start to reconcile, I am not saying they aren't responsible for the actions from a result of being unhappy in the house, but they were unhappy in the house and needed an affair to fill the voids, more often than not those are intimacy voids ( not monkey sex like most think).

The WS who post here are the WS who are not chased away. The WS who post that they are thoroughly ashamed of themselves, love their wife, regret hurting her, and only used the OW only last for a couple of posts before they give up. Usually they are accused of being BS' and faking the posts .

 

Everyone keeps assuming that I want my MM back..... quiet the opposite. We both knew if things came out in a DDay neither of us would be able to move forward, we talked about it and I bet there are many MM who spoke to the other person ( in our case over 2 weeks) BEFORE committing to the marriage. It is easier and the right thing to do, but does that mean they will work? Who knows - depending on what stat you want anywhere from 30-60% with a whole bunch of variables to boot.

Based on your posts I also assumed you wanted him back - but mostly I assumed that you wished he had chosen to divorce his wife as opposed to return to her. If that's not the case for you, then I'm glad you are OK with how things turned out.

 

I would hope that the MM would talk to the OW, though I'm sure many do not. They just disappear. To do so, however, seems unbelievably cruel. It does, however, further argue the poor coping skills of many MM.

 

Affairs mean a problem and I am not buying anything else, for those that repair, congrats not easy but to think that the guy who lied to day in and day out isn't capable of doing it again and by the way far more likely than someone you may have a relationship with than I am sorry.... by all means, go for it.

As I said before, of course affairs mean a problem. What they don't inevitably mean, however, is that the WS no longer love the BS. They mean there is a problem - usually two-fold. At the very least, the WS has poor coping/communication skills - possibly both partners do.

 

Don't you see, though, everyone is capable of lying. Could I have divorced my husband and found someone new? Yes. Why on earth would I think, though, that a new relationship with a new person would have a better chance of success? Would make me happier? Well, I sincerely doubt it. I love my husband - faults and all. He love me - faults and all. The idea that because someone has done something wrong, it sets them up to more easily do something wrong - well, that depends largely upon what kind of consequences there were to the original wrong-doing. I am as close to positive as possible that my husband would NEVER contemplate cheating again. Does that carry an iron-clad guarantee? Of course not. Nothing does. But it's certain enough for my peace of mind.

 

And again, you are privy to the boards, what is it..... 1 out of 10, maybe 15 that actually go back to the OW as long as a year after the fact.

 

If you want to be accurate, there are several boards and for ever forum that is about surviving there are ten that are about leaving, challenges and plain old divorce.

 

I am thankful for one thing, our DDay was big, but I am really grateful that all three were adults and the drama that I see here is not what I have to live with. An amicable split, as much as any Affair could be, I wish them well and if they don't make it it won't be because of me and it won't be because he has the option to return.

Some do go back, undoubtedly. What does that matter to you, if indeed you don't want him back? Are you trying to say that everyone who forgives their wayward spouses makes a mistake? No, they/we don't. Do some? Of course. At a personal level, did I? IMO and my husband's opinion, I didn't, and really our opinions are the only one's that matter

[SidLyon]

There is just something about you Sanafa...

 

In another thread I posted the name of my H's OW (Oksana)... nah it would be just too much of a coincidence wouldn't it?

 

S

[Sanafa]

There is just something about you Sanafa...

 

In another thread I posted the name of my H's OW (Oksana)... nah it would be just too much of a coincidence wouldn't it?

 

S

 

Regardless of what you think about me, I can tell you I am not that woman.

 

You can choose to believe it or not, can't PM as I don't have that option but I can tell you it isn't me.

[NoIDidn't]

You know very little about why people have affairs, you might want to listen and learn. It has NOTHING to do with how much someone loves someone.

 

Agreed.

 

ah, I see what is going on here with your post....looking to blame the BS or say, "hey, if their marriage was good, he wouldn't be f#####g me!!!"

 

I got this impression as well. The OP really seemed to be saying "he wouldn't be with me if you didn't have such low self-esteem" towards the end of the post and making excuses for why that should be exceptable.

[SidLyon]

Agreed.

 

 

 

I got this impression as well. The OP really seemed to be saying "he wouldn't be with me if you didn't have such low self-esteem" towards the end of the post and making excuses for why that should be exceptable.

 

There's no doubt my self-esteem plummeted when I discovered my H's infidelity. There wouldn't be many people around whose self esteem could have been much lower. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But prior to that I don't consider that I had self-esteem problems at all. I am intelligent, attractive and reasonably self confident (but I felt none of these immediately post d-day).

 

 

Post d-day my H has really been an exemplary WH trying to recover his marriage and regain trust, integrity and credibility and one of the things that is part of this is being 100% honest and transparent. This includes answering any and all questions I have. Naturally I have had questions about the OW too. Funnily enough this means I now know all sorts of things about the OW that she would probably be mortified that i know about including not only sexual things but that she had significant self esteem/depression issues throughout the A.

 

My self-esteem was relatively unaffected while the A was ongoing and I didn't know about it, but she was a different kettle of fish. While they were no doubt professing their eternal love for one another, she also knew on some level that she was not number 1 in his life and would never be. I know he used the children as excuses for staying with me but like many OW she must know that this was just a convenient excuse and he knows me well enough to know that I would not use his children against him and would never prevent him from being in their lives.

 

He says that he told her very early on that he would not leave if their affair was discovered but avoided the issue as the years passed. When the A was discovered she was "thrown under the bus" almost immediately.

 

He said the decision was easy. But there was some contact post d-day which he claims was him letting her down lightly although for all I know it was the other way around.

 

S

[Sanafa]

There's no doubt my self-esteem plummeted when I discovered my H's infidelity. There wouldn't be many people around whose self esteem could have been much lower. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But prior to that I don't consider that I had self-esteem problems at all. I am intelligent, attractive and reasonably self confident (but I felt none of these immediately post d-day).

 

 

Post d-day my H has really been an exemplary WH trying to recover his marriage and regain trust, integrity and credibility and one of the things that is part of this is being 100% honest and transparent. This includes answering any and all questions I have. Naturally I have had questions about the OW too. Funnily enough this means I now know all sorts of things about the OW that she would probably be mortified that i know about including not only sexual things but that she had significant self esteem/depression issues throughout the A.

 

My self-esteem was relatively unaffected while the A was ongoing and I didn't know about it, but she was a different kettle of fish. While they were no doubt professing their eternal love for one another, she also knew on some level that she was not number 1 in his life and would never be. I know he used the children as excuses for staying with me but like many OW she must know that this was just a convenient excuse and he knows me well enough to know that I would not use his children against him and would never prevent him from being in their lives.

 

He says that he told her very early on that he would not leave if their affair was discovered but avoided the issue as the years passed. When the A was discovered she was "thrown under the bus" almost immediately.

 

He said the decision was easy. But there was some contact post d-day which he claims was him letting her down lightly although for all I know it was the other way around.

 

S

 

And you thought I was her why?

 

This is the thing, if anyone remotely suggests that maybe just maybe the WH was also being straight with them (OW) people want to jump on the bandwagon and suggest otherwise.

 

In our situation all three were confident/career driven professionals and attractive - none less than the other. While I appreciate why you would believe your H, especially going forward in reconcillation, is it not remotely possibly that by telling you ..." he was just being nice, etc" is to also soften the blow for you?

 

The BS in our situation was not so lucky, and I was lucky in the fact that I did not get thrown under the bus. I am also sure she knows all about our life as he tried to be as open as he could be in answering the questions (at my urging, believe it or not I am a woman and felt a great deal of empathy and responsibility).

 

Again though, I can only say that if anything these boards have given me a really grateful true appreciation for our situation. It was awful especially considering all she was faced with, but in all of it, until the very end we were civil, respectful and REAL. She didn't put me down, nor did I put her down or try to manipulate the "bad marriage" to my favor.

 

Nothing is ever black or white (where is the banging head smiley when you need it). I don't for a second believe he didn't care about his wife and believe me when I say she also knows he cared deeply about me. I don't regret our decision to part, nor did I do anything other than wish them both well in there decision to reconcile.

 

But for everything we say to each other to make ourselves feel better ( e.g. he said that to make her feel better) it can in fact be turned around.

 

I am just really really grateful for the maturity and understanding of his W, and her ability not to forgive but to see colors rather than only one.

[NoIDidn't]

But for everything we say to each other to make ourselves feel better ( e.g. he said that to make her feel better) it can in fact be turned around.

 

 

And all you have done is turn her post around into something that it wasn't. I thought you wanted to hear both sides, not try to make sense only of your side. Which is it?

[Reggie]

Agreed.

 

 

 

I got this impression as well. The OP really seemed to be saying "he wouldn't be with me if you didn't have such low self-esteem" towards the end of the post and making excuses for why that should be exceptable.

Well, I am pretty sure my second XWw hated me and still does. My first wife apologized and owned her stuff(to an extent). She keeps telling me she loves me. Very confusing.

[Sanafa]

And all you have done is turn her post around into something that it wasn't. I thought you wanted to hear both sides' date=' not try to make sense only of your side. Which is it?[/quote']

 

To be really honest NoIDidn't.... I truly don't even want to respond to your posts ( hence why I haven't for pages).

 

It is not that I don't want to hear both sides.........I simply said it could be turned around and provided info regarding MINE, hence sharing the OTHER side.

 

How is it, that when I post my side or a thought or even just a question, I am attacked but if someone on the other side does the same, you nod in agreement like a 2 year old, yeah that shows fairness:rolleyes:

 

I got this impression as well. The OP really seemed to be saying "he wouldn't be with me if you didn't have such low self-esteem" towards the end of the post and making excuses for why that should be exceptable.

 

I did not say or imply any such thing, quite putting words in my mouth!!!

 

And for the LOVE OF GOD.... Stop saying you think you may know what I am thinking..... **** me!

 

That is really incredibly annoying.... if I have something to say it, I will - I don't need you to suggest for one second you know how I think, that is arrogance, plain and simple

[NoIDidn't]

To be really honest NoIDidn't.... I truly don't even want to respond to your posts ( hence why I haven't for pages).

 

Oh, I'm soo sad. Tears are flowing down my face since an apparently dumped former OW doesn't want to read my post.

 

It is not that I don't want to hear both sides.........I simply said it could be turned around and provided info regarding MINE, hence sharing the OTHER side.

 

How is it, that when I post my side or a thought or even just a question, I am attacked but if someone on the other side does the same, you nod in agreement like a 2 year old, yeah that shows fairness:rolleyes:

 

But that's all you've been doing. Turning it back around to make your situation sound like Heaven on Earth. These are ROUGH PARAPHRASES before you lie and claim I'm misquoting you again.

 

"The BS in my situation wasn't lucky"

"I didn't get thrown under the bus"

"We had a life together"

"I told him to tell her the truth when she asked"

"It was awful considering all the BS is faced with"

"I am so lucky she was nice to me"

"I am so lucky I am not her"

 

You paint yourself like some sort of tragic heroine. And had the audacity to include that line about someone else saying things to make themselves feel better.

 

 

 

I did not say or imply any such thing, quite putting words in my mouth!!!

 

And for the LOVE OF GOD.... Stop saying you think you may know what I am thinking..... **** me!

 

That is really incredibly annoying.... if I have something to say it, I will - I don't need you to suggest for one second you know how I think, that is arrogance, plain and simple

 

Nowhere did I say that you said anything. I spoke of the impression I got from your post. You really should start doing that listening and learning. That, or get that chip off your shoulder.

[Sanafa]

Oh, I'm soo sad. Tears are flowing down my face since an apparently dumped former OW doesn't want to read my post.

 

 

 

But that's all you've been doing. Turning it back around to make your situation sound like Heaven on Earth. These are ROUGH PARAPHRASES before you lie and claim I'm misquoting you again.

 

"The BS in my situation wasn't lucky"

"I didn't get thrown under the bus"

"We had a life together"

"I told him to tell her the truth when she asked"

"It was awful considering all the BS is faced with"

"I am so lucky she was nice to me"

"I am so lucky I am not her"

 

You paint yourself like some sort of tragic heroine. And had the audacity to include that line about someone else saying things to make themselves feel better.

 

 

Nowhere did I say that you said anything. I spoke of the impression I got from your post. You really should start doing that listening and learning. That, or get that chip off your shoulder.

 

Are you fricken kidding me... First off QUOTE where I said what I bolded....find it, because I didn't say it.

 

secondly, you are taking sentences out of context to drive your point...... I am sorry for her, it was ****ing hell for her when she found out... I don't know you nor do I care at ALL if you believe that.

 

Lastly..... You "impression' suggests you think you know what I am thinking, you don't...stop mangling my words and to be honest, leave the adults alone in this thread.... translation .... I really don't want to learn anything about YOUR opinion....already have posts and posts and posts to drill it home... thanks, not interested.

 

Go play and BTW,........ I am really thinking your OW was the lucky one!

[NoIDidn't]

These are ROUGH PARAPHRASES before you lie and claim I'm misquoting you again.

 

"The BS in my situation wasn't lucky"

"I didn't get thrown under the bus"

"We had a life together"

"I told him to tell her the truth when she asked"

"It was awful considering all the BS is faced with"

"I am so lucky she was nice to me"

"I am so lucky I am not her"

 

 

Please actually READ the bolded before I conclude that you simply prefer this drama of claiming a poster quoted you when they DID NOT and even SAID they weren't quoting you.

 

Are you fricken kidding me... First off QUOTE where I said what I bolded....find it, because I didn't say it.

 

Please see the above BOLDED part.

 

secondly, you are taking sentences out of context to drive your point...... I am sorry for her, it was ****ing hell for her when she found out... I don't know you nor do I care at ALL if you believe that.

 

Yes, yes, you feel sorry for her. I get it.

 

Lastly..... You "impression' suggests you think you know what I am thinking, you don't...stop mangling my words and to be honest, leave the adults alone in this thread

 

im-pres-sion - [im-presh-uh n]: the first and immediate effect of an experience or perception upon the mind; sensation.

 

Nowhere does the definition of impression mean that the person is reading YOUR mind. Has nothing to do with YOUR thoughts or words. Everything to do with my thoughts about your words.

 

I can't even say "context", because you don't even understand the meaning of the word yet.

 

Go play and BTW,........ I am really thinking you OW was the lucky one!

 

Ahh, yes, the immature OW line. I'm really insulted you couldn't think of something better than this.

[Sanafa]

Please actually READ the bolded before I conclude that you simply prefer this drama of claiming a poster quoted you when they DID NOT and even SAID they weren't quoting you.

 

 

I am going to say this as politely as possible. I don't enjoy you, simple, I find you bring nothing to the table other than patting some on the back and attempting to gain points by getting on the popular side.

 

It's simple, I avoided for days responding to you, for a reason.

 

I do find that even with those I may disagree with, I respect their opinion, you however are not one of those and thankfully we don't have to worry about that.

 

And in all seriousness is their an ignore button on this site?

 

I am simply done jarring with you...... and I find it utterly amazing that you would sit in such judgement of everything I say considering you are a WS. So yes, that is not a "OW" line, I truly think she is better off.

 

Good luck with your recovery and enjoy the board, but please I would prefer you refrain from quoting or referring to me in the future.