Just Hear Me Out....

[MrMayI]

in a wave of despair today. i can't stop thinking about my text convo last night. honestly, if it were as simple as that, it could've been worked out at home. God, i wish i knew what to do. it really bothers me, because my family is pressuring me to try and work it out, and her family is as well. the only problem is, she's giving everyone the bare minimum, and i can't repair our marriage alone, yet. maybe this DB will tell me something that'll change the whole scenario.

[LisaUk]

in a wave of despair today. i can't stop thinking about my text convo last night. honestly, if it were as simple as that, it could've been worked out at home. God, i wish i knew what to do. it really bothers me, because my family is pressuring me to try and work it out, and her family is as well. the only problem is, she's giving everyone the bare minimum, and i can't repair our marriage alone, yet. maybe this DB will tell me something that'll change the whole scenario.

 

The impression I got from the text messages last night is maybe she is testing you with all these late night phone calls to this co worker. Can I ask a personal question MayI? Do you think have jelousy issues because you have them or is it because she has suggested it? What exactly has she cited as your issues with jelosuy? Sorry for the personal questions, it's just difficult to understand the brother's texts without more info.

[MrMayI]

The impression I got from the text messages last night is maybe she is testing you with all these late night phone calls to this co worker. Can I ask a personal question MayI? Do you think have jelousy issues because you have them or is it because she has suggested it? What exactly has she cited as your issues with jelosuy? Sorry for the personal questions, it's just difficult to understand the brother's texts without more info.

 

not a problem. she's cited me looking at her cell history, and being jealous of all the interpersonal relationships she has built with males. i have lingering issues that hadn't surfaced until the events of last summer with her co-worker and the late night texting, e-mailing, etc.

honestly, i don't know if she's building towards a PA, EA or what, but what i do know is her brother is across the country, and has no idea of what she actually said to me, and the distance she is rapidly putting between us. i feel like it was all just a ploy for her to get away from me, and stay away for good.

[LisaUk]

not a problem. she's cited me looking at her cell history, and being jealous of all the interpersonal relationships she has built with males. i have lingering issues that hadn't surfaced until the events of last summer with her co-worker and the late night texting, e-mailing, etc.

honestly, i don't know if she's building towards a PA, EA or what, but what i do know is her brother is across the country, and has no idea of what she actually said to me, and the distance she is rapidly putting between us. i feel like it was all just a ploy for her to get away from me, and stay away for good.

 

Did you look at her cell history before you found about her frienship with this particular co-worker? Does she have many female friends as well?

[MrMayI]

Did you look at her cell history before you found about her frienship with this particular co-worker? Does she have many female friends as well?

 

i didn't. it all started because she just out of the blue told me she needs space just before our anniversary last year. about 2 days after that, i got an e-mail telling me our bill was almost 200 dollars higher than usual. that's when i saw the text history for the first time. further research showed the e-mail history as well. i checked her phone, and she had erased all of the messages. i called her out on it, and she told me she was sorry and it would stop. i told her i was going to have a talk with the guy, and she asked me not to. it stopped for a little while, but she started acting differently again, and that's when i started regularly checking the phone history about once a week.

she has pretty much stopped talking to the couple of female friends she has. i was always okay with her having male friends up until then. i truly was. i met several mutual friends because she knew them first, and vice versa. now, she has an entire group of all male friends, and i don't know a single one of them.

[LisaUk]

i didn't. it all started because she just out of the blue told me she needs space just before our anniversary last year. about 2 days after that, i got an e-mail telling me our bill was almost 200 dollars higher than usual. that's when i saw the text history for the first time. further research showed the e-mail history as well. i checked her phone, and she had erased all of the messages. i called her out on it, and she told me she was sorry and it would stop. i told her i was going to have a talk with the guy, and she asked me not to. it stopped for a little while, but she started acting differently again, and that's when i started regularly checking the phone history about once a week.

she has pretty much stopped talking to the couple of female friends she has. i was always okay with her having male friends up until then. i truly was. i met several mutual friends because she knew them first, and vice versa. now, she has an entire group of all male friends, and i don't know a single one of them.

 

OK, so just to be perfectly clear, you never checked up on her, never accussed her or displayed any jelous behaviour BEFORE she asked you for space and before the drastically increased cell phone bill?

[MrMayI]

OK, so just to be perfectly clear, you never checked up on her, never accussed her or displayed any jelous behaviour BEFORE she asked you for space and before the drastically increased cell phone bill?

 

i very well may have. looking back, i did say things about other males before that, but never in seriousness. always in jest. never checked up on her or anything like that before then, no.

she hooked up with a guy when we were just in the "seeing each other" phase of our relationship. well, they sat up all night talking while i was asleep. he was a friend of a friend, and left the next day to go back to his station with the army. i made reference to him on a few occasions before we got married.

 

keep going lisa. you're helping to open my eyes a little.

[LisaUk]

i very well may have. looking back, i did say things about other males before that, but never in seriousness. always in jest. never checked up on her or anything like that before then, no.

she hooked up with a guy when we were just in the "seeing each other" phase of our relationship. well, they sat up all night talking while i was asleep. he was a friend of a friend, and left the next day to go back to his station with the army. i made reference to him on a few occasions before we got married.

 

keep going lisa. you're helping to open my eyes a little.

 

What kind of things did you say in jest?

What refernences did you make about this army guy? And what do you mean they hooked up? You mean physically or just hung out talking?

Sorry for all the questions!

[seibert253]

i didn't. it all started because she just out of the blue told me she needs space just before our anniversary last year. about 2 days after that, i got an e-mail telling me our bill was almost 200 dollars higher than usual. that's when i saw the text history for the first time. further research showed the e-mail history as well. i checked her phone, and she had erased all of the messages. i called her out on it, and she told me she was sorry and it would stop. i told her i was going to have a talk with the guy, and she asked me not to. it stopped for a little while, but she started acting differently again, and that's when i started regularly checking the phone history about once a week.

she has pretty much stopped talking to the couple of female friends she has. i was always okay with her having male friends up until then. i truly was. i met several mutual friends because she knew them first, and vice versa. now, she has an entire group of all male friends, and i don't know a single one of them.

 

Mr. Hate to say it, but Ray Charles can see what's going on here.

SHE IS HAVING A EA. Her contact with another man, other than her husband, then concealing it, is disrespectful at the least. Then she agrees to stop, but then starts again. Then says you're smothering her and she "needs space". You're not smothering her, you're exposing her wrong behavior and she needs space to continue her A.

She having the classic signs, she's also cake eating, and rewriting your marital history. Love you, but not in love.

 

Alright, had to take a moment to calm down.

Dude you need to step up to the plate and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER. She's been walking all over you and you're allowing it.

Here's my impression of what you need to do:

1. Go NC with anything other than your daughter or finances. Nothing, Nada.

2. 180, 180, 180.

3. Consult with an attorney

4. At some time you probably will want to confront her with her activities and let her know because of this, you feel she's not committed to saving your marriage, though you are.

5. If she's not willing to work to fix your marriage, file D papers and have her served.

6. Expose to everyone, (her family and yours), what's going on. She's only giving her family her version, they deserve the truth.

 

If she wants to fix your marriage she needs to:

A. Go NC with OM

B. Consider other employment

C. MC

 

Stand up Mr. You do not deserve what's she's doing, or what she's putting your through

[MrMayI]

What kind of things did you say in jest?

What refernences did you make about this army guy? And what do you mean they hooked up? You mean physically or just hung out talking?

Sorry for all the questions!

 

just asked her if she was interested in the army guy, because he would be back around. i don't know about physically hooking up, but it looked like it could've happened. they fell asleep on the couch and looked mighty close.

[MrMayI]

Mr. Hate to say it, but Ray Charles can see what's going on here.

SHE IS HAVING A EA. Her contact with another man, other than her husband, then concealing it, is disrespectful at the least. Then she agrees to stop, but then starts again. Then says you're smothering her and she "needs space". You're not smothering her, you're exposing her wrong behavior and she needs space to continue her A.

She having the classic signs, she's also cake eating, and rewriting your marital history. Love you, but not in love.

 

Alright, had to take a moment to calm down.

Dude you need to step up to the plate and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER. She's been walking all over you and you're allowing it.

Here's my impression of what you need to do:

1. Go NC with anything other than your daughter or finances. Nothing, Nada.

2. 180, 180, 180.

3. Consult with an attorney

4. At some time you probably will want to confront her with her activities and let her know because of this, you feel she's not committed to saving your marriage, though you are.

5. If she's not willing to work to fix your marriage, file D papers and have her served.

6. Expose to everyone, (her family and yours), what's going on. She's only giving her family her version, they deserve the truth.

 

If she wants to fix your marriage she needs to:

A. Go NC with OM

B. Consider other employment

C. MC

 

Stand up Mr. You do not deserve what's she's doing, or what she's putting your through

 

thanks seibert. i have already consulted with an attorney. the papers are drawn. when the time comes, i will be telling her family, as well as my own. her family is trying to compel her to go MC, but i don't think she is going to. i'm almost at wit's end. i'm not far from filing.

[LisaUk]

just asked her if she was interested in the army guy, because he would be back around. i don't know about physically hooking up, but it looked like it could've happened. they fell asleep on the couch and looked mighty close.

 

Thing is MayI, if you joked a lot about her fancying her male friends she may well believe that you have issues and this would lead her to make calls to her friends, who are male. Then again, if you didn't do this a lot and she was texting/using her cell an incrediable amount, it kind of makes me think it's not you who's got the issue here, rather her having an EA. However, I can't suggest that for sure because she appears interested in reconcililation, she comes round and hangs out with you. Have you read Derek's thread lately? Similar situation, his wife actually came round on the 4th and had sex with him, then later he took his girls to the fireworks and she was there with the neighbour he suspected her of having a PA with. It amazes me that some women behave like this "have their cake and eat it" keep you as back up, as I'm just not like that, it would never enter my head so I find it really hard to believe it or see it in others.

[MrMayI]

honestly, i think seibert has given the best advice of the day. it's time for me to suck out the poison. this is toxic, and i cannot continue to live this way.

[LisaUk]

honestly, i think seibert has given the best advice of the day. it's time for me to suck out the poison. this is toxic, and i cannot continue to live this way.

 

Don't do anything rash, think it through, think about how up and down your emotions have been through this. You may well feel this way today, but not tomorrow. How is divorce busting going?

[tojaz]

Don't do anything rash, think it through, think about how up and down your emotions have been through this. You may well feel this way today, but not tomorrow. How is divorce busting going?

 

Agreed, Divorce is forever (usually, kind of like marriage:rolleyes:) There is always time to divorce, be sure!!

[seibert253]

Yeah forgot to add that. Thanks for reminding me.

Mr. your less than two weeks out. Take your time. 180, NC, LC, or combo of some or all. Try them and see what type of reaction you get. Judging from what I've read, though I could be wrong but hopefully I'm not, when she see's your done with her crap and moving forward, she may have a change of heart.

 

Took an ultimatum, LC, even though we were still living together, and her actually reading the D papers to bring my WW back to reality. I hoping and praying she has the same WTF am I doing moment as mine did. If she does, you'll know immediately then you can fix this IF YOU WISH.

 

But, be prepared to cut bait and move on. This is no longer about her, THIS IS ABOUT YOU.

[MrMayI]

Don't do anything rash, think it through, think about how up and down your emotions have been through this. You may well feel this way today, but not tomorrow. How is divorce busting going?

 

it's okay. nothing i thought it would be. all of the stories seem to come from couples who still lived together. not applicable to me.

 

i know i have up and down emotions, and it's only been a couple of weeks since she moved out, but it's actually been 6 weeks since this all began. i don't feel i can sit around and watch an EA become a PA. i'm just not built for that. i would rather just say i give, than i tried everything in some instances. an affair being one of them.

[tojaz]

it's okay. nothing i thought it would be. all of the stories seem to come from couples who still lived together. not applicable to me.

 

i know i have up and down emotions, and it's only been a couple of weeks since she moved out, but it's actually been 6 weeks since this all began. i don't feel i can sit around and watch an EA become a PA. i'm just not built for that. i would rather just say i give, than i tried everything in some instances. an affair being one of them.

 

6 weeks is nothing, I could do six weeks standing on my head after the 3 months I've gone. Not to say it isn't hard, the begining hurts like hell and it just gets worse. You have a chance though, shes working with you. I'd give precious parts of my body to have that, left or right your choice! Search TIY's old threads and read through them. He went 6 months but they got back together, I dont remember how long Owl went, but they are back together.

 

Take a break, take some time to enjoy yourself, do your own thing and really try to put it behind you for awhile. Start with an hour, then two, then a day, . It sounds impossible, but you can do it. Give your head and your heart a rest. Then decide. Like i said before. If it still hurts, then your not done! End your marriage for the right reasons, not just to stop the pain.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

6 weeks is nothing, I could do six weeks standing on my head after the 3 months I've gone. Not to say it isn't hard, the begining hurts like hell and it just gets worse. You have a chance though, shes working with you. I'd give precious parts of my body to have that, left or right your choice! Search TIY's old threads and read through them. He went 6 months but they got back together, I dont remember how long Owl went, but they are back together.

 

Take a break, take some time to enjoy yourself, do your own thing and really try to put it behind you for awhile. Start with an hour, then two, then a day, . It sounds impossible, but you can do it. Give your head and your heart a rest. Then decide. Like i said before. If it still hurts, then your not done! End your marriage for the right reasons, not just to stop the pain.

TOJAZ

 

Agreed. Only when your head is clear will you be able to decide. If a PA is something you really cannot come back from, that's fair enough, but this might not escalte that far yet!

 

Please trust me when I tell you that it is now 4 months since he left me, and you can add another 5 weeks of hell to that while he was messing me about at home. The intial few weeks are filled with desperation, not knowing where to turn, I literally could not eat, it was like food was something alien to me, I have never ever had that experience before. You can't sleep, when you do manage to sleep, you dream, you wake, for a split second you feel fine, then you remember. This eventually turns to waking, feeling fine, then realising something is wrong, then remembering. What I want to try and get you to see here, is that those first few weeks are filled with confusion. You see, perhaps you are thinking I've had enough, I'll start the legals, but when those legals are done you are in for a whole other range of emotions, that's when the pain leaves desperation and cuts deep, real deep.

 

I know you and your wife are seperated, but you do still see her regularly, perhaps because of this you can still take advantage of some of the advice in divorce busting. I'm going to try my libary, (I'm out of work at the moment, so I can't just go out and buy books), I'm going to read it, even if it is to late for this relationship, I'm going to read it for my next.

 

Stay strong MayI, I know it's hard, but really if you throw in the towel, I can tell you, it will not mean that your pain and hurt is over, unfortunately there is no quick way to grieve. I read somewhere it can be as long a 1 year for every 4 you were together to truely move past it. Well, I hope not because that means I will be done in about 4 and half years!

[tojaz]

it's okay. nothing i thought it would be. all of the stories seem to come from couples who still lived together. not applicable to me.

Don't focus on the stories, focus on the tactics and techniques used. It will be harder now that she is out of the house, but they still apply. Even if she dosen't come back as a result it can influence positive changes for yourself. As for wanting the pain and hurt to be over. Initiating divorce will not alleviate that I would prefer the pain of the fight to this new pain of accepting she is gone.

 

I know you and your wife are seperated, but you do still see her regularly, perhaps because of this you can still take advantage of some of the advice in divorce busting. I'm going to try my libary, (I'm out of work at the moment, so I can't just go out and buy books), I'm going to read it, even if it is to late for this relationship, I'm going to read it for my next.

 

Stay strong MayI, I know it's hard, but really if you throw in the towel, I can tell you, it will not mean that your pain and hurt is over, unfortunately there is no quick way to grieve. I read somewhere it can be as long a 1 year for every 4 you were together to truely move past it. Well, I hope not because that means I will be done in about 4 and half years!

 

Lisa, i would look at "Crazy Time" if you get a chance. It's about coping with divorce, but it seems to apply to what your going through as well. Gunny suggested it. It's very good so far except it says that the Crazypart usually lasts 2 YEARS! and theres several stages after that. I'm in for a LOOOOOOOOONG ride.

[LisaUk]

Don't focus on the stories, focus on the tactics and techniques used. It will be harder now that she is out of the house, but they still apply. Even if she dosen't come back as a result it can influence positive changes for yourself. As for wanting the pain and hurt to be over. Initiating divorce will not alleviate that I would prefer the pain of the fight to this new pain of accepting she is gone.

 

 

 

Lisa, i would look at "Crazy Time" if you get a chance. It's about coping with divorce, but it seems to apply to what your going through as well. Gunny suggested it. It's very good so far except it says that the Crazypart usually lasts 2 YEARS! and theres several stages after that. I'm in for a LOOOOOOOOONG ride.

 

No, don't tell me that!

[tojaz]

No, don't tell me that!

 

Sorry, but if I'm gonna lose my marbles, your coming with me. Thats why I put up my little frog buddy here. I'll look like him in another month.

<<<

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

i'm afraid still today it's just too late. she has a different OM now, who has called her several times a day since the 1st of this month, mostly after two in the morning. she's also traded over 300 texts with the guy in less than a week. he works very close to the business she works for. i was learning to deal with that it's possible for the original OM to really be her good friend, and accept the fact that had i approached things differently last year, we probably wouldn't even be where we are today.

 

she left. moved out. took her belongings, and none of our daughter's. she's not even attempting to include her in her "home" now, except for watching television from what i know.

 

i don't really know what my emotions are telling me right now. my gut and my head are telling me this isn't right, or fair to myself, my daughter, my friends, my family, or even her family. it all stems from a trust issue, according to her. i don't trust her, so she moved out to what? give herself a chance to trust me? doesn't seem very plausible to me, especially when the "hanging out" is reduced to nothing now. her acting friendly to me is pretty much gone. i'm not begging, whining, or crying to her. i'm just being solid. i don't owe her a smile, a hug, or anything right now, except time with our daughter.

[Chrome Barracuda]

i'm afraid still today it's just too late. she has a different OM now, who has called her several times a day since the 1st of this month, mostly after two in the morning. she's also traded over 300 texts with the guy in less than a week. he works very close to the business she works for. i was learning to deal with that it's possible for the original OM to really be her good friend, and accept the fact that had i approached things differently last year, we probably wouldn't even be where we are today.

 

she left. moved out. took her belongings, and none of our daughter's. she's not even attempting to include her in her "home" now, except for watching television from what i know.

 

i don't really know what my emotions are telling me right now. my gut and my head are telling me this isn't right, or fair to myself, my daughter, my friends, my family, or even her family. it all stems from a trust issue, according to her. i don't trust her, so she moved out to what? give herself a chance to trust me? doesn't seem very plausible to me, especially when the "hanging out" is reduced to nothing now. her acting friendly to me is pretty much gone. i'm not begging, whining, or crying to her. i'm just being solid. i don't owe her a smile, a hug, or anything right now, except time with our daughter.

 

...So now you know the truth.

 

You have to accept that your wife moved out for her own selfish freedom to F other men. And doesnt even want your daughter. It's sad but it's the truth.

 

Your gonna have to accept that you might become a single father. I know as well as anyone that it's not probably want you want but having your daughter in your life and you as her caregiver.

 

Once you move into that acceptance phase, your gonna be okay.

 

You need to be indifferent stop caring about your ex. The minute you stop caring your gonna be great!

[MrMayI]

...So now you know the truth.

 

You have to accept that your wife moved out for her own selfish freedom to F other men. And doesnt even want your daughter. It's sad but it's the truth.

 

Your gonna have to accept that you might become a single father. I know as well as anyone that it's not probably want you want but having your daughter in your life and you as her caregiver.

 

Once you move into that acceptance phase, your gonna be okay.

 

You need to be indifferent stop caring about your ex. The minute you stop caring your gonna be great!

 

i have accepted that i am going to be a single father. i've accepted all of it. even though it's only phone activity, i've accepted that the "rules" of the separation don't apply, even after only a couple of weeks. i feel confident that i WILL get through this and be okay. i am coming around to the idea that i'm going to feel the same with or without a divorce between us. i just think it'd be easier for me to cut it off before it gets any worse.