Just Hear Me Out....

[OP3Crimsin]

Do you normally communicate in this fashion? You say a ton of words, but don't get down the issue or problems. Why? Why a separation, rather than a divorce or just working on it together? Do you guys practice conflict avoidance?

 

I like your separation guidelines, but what the hell is the overall strategy? You sound misguided right now. Your strategy is to destroy your connection together and it seems to be working. Time will only aid you in losing her, unless you have a goal to work towards.

 

Why did this come about when you left town? Is there another woman in the picture? A friend?

 

You are pretty vague. What's the real deal?

I agree with you whole-heartedly. In fact unlike my situitation, there IS a glimmer of hope. I also like your direction, might you read my plight and offer up some sage advice?

[tojaz]

i'm going to get these jealousy issues tackled. that's all there is to it. i don't want this hanging over me forever. i hope i'm not over assuming here. it still is a separation, and that weighs heavily on my mind.

 

A seperation, is not a divorce so, while almost as difficult to handle, there is an effort on her part to make it work. It sounds like you have found some of things you have brought to the breakdown. What has she owned up to? One person cannot carry all the blame. Sounds like your on a good path, keep going.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

A seperation, is not a divorce so, while almost as difficult to handle, there is an effort on her part to make it work. It sounds like you have found some of things you have brought to the breakdown. What has she owned up to? One person cannot carry all the blame. Sounds like your on a good path, keep going.

TOJAZ

 

she has admitted that she had been withdrawn and distant, and that had caused her to build a stronger bond with the OM that i had accused of the EA with, but the fact that i never believed her when she told me the truth caused her to withdraw physically as well. it's a two way street. my action caused a reaction, and vice versa.

you're right. a separation feels just like a divorce to me. i took her and my daughter for a late dinner after we finished getting everything moved last night. then she drove our daughter back to my house to say her goodbyes for the night. it was ****ing rough! the little one fell apart, and absolutely did not want to let her mommy go.

she told me just before she finally slept last night that if i would just apologize, then mommy will come back home. i told her to just know that mommy and daddy both love her more than anything in the world, and everything will be alright. that it's going to be an adjustment, but at the same time, it's going to be a big ol' adventure for us all, if we just hang loose and continue to have fun. i know she'll be okay, but it's going to be tough for a while.

the wife sent me a text last night telling me goodnight, and she loves us. then she called and talked to the kid for a couple of minutes. i could hear her on the phone and she sounded very sad, which hurt me as well. i don't think i slept an hour last night.

very afraid right now, but keeping my game face on for my daughter's sake. she cried some more this morning, and didn't want to be dropped off with her grandma today. she gets to go swimming, so she's probably fine as i type this.

please keep us all in your thoughts, and i'll do the same for the ones i've read.

[MrMayI]

i've just had a knot in my stomach all day. she texted me this morning to tell me good morning, and she hopes i slept okay. i wanted to send back something like "OF COURSE I DIDN'T SLEEP OKAY! YOU WALKED OUT ON US!!!". I know that isn't true though. if she walked out on anyone, it's me. i just hope it isn't like i keep reading on here and she just bulls***ted me to get out the door, and on the road to a "better life" for herself. i don't know. she told me last night that she told her manager at work that one of the rooms in her new house would be perfect for me to have my music equipment in. i tried not to read into that, at all. i don't know what to think right now. it's only day 1. the kid goes to stay with her tonight, so i'm very nervous about going home to be alone tonight. my laptop has crapped out, so i'll just be sitting and staring at walls. maybe i'll fire up my guitar for a little while.

[LisaUk]

Seriously, your wife texting to say good morning is so positive, this is nothing like when my ex left, here's some examples

"You're the problem, I needed to get away from you"

"I feel so free and liberated now I'm away from you"

"You need to move on"

"Please stop texting, I want to move on more than anything"

"No, I don't want to come home and try and work things out, it would just take me another five weeks to get rid of you"

"I was so sick of you, being so dependant on me"

"I hated going out with you at weekends, I've been really unhappy for a long time, I just kept it hidden and lied to you"

 

Do you see the difference between your situation and mine?

Your wife texting good morning is nice, she's being nice too you, my ex went so cold! I do not think she is BSing you.

[MrMayI]

Seriously, your wife texting to say good morning is so positive, this is nothing like when my ex left, here's some examples

"You're the problem, I needed to get away from you"

"I feel so free and liberated now I'm away from you"

"You need to move on"

"Please stop texting, I want to move on more than anything"

"No, I don't want to come home and try and work things out, it would just take me another five weeks to get rid of you"

"I was so sick of you, being so dependant on me"

"I hated going out with you at weekends, I've been really unhappy for a long time, I just kept it hidden and lied to you"

 

Do you see the difference between your situation and mine?

Your wife texting good morning is nice, she's being nice too you, my ex went so cold! I do not think she is BSing you.

 

thanks!

i just know she is not solid on reconciliation, which i really shouldn't be expecting at the moment. it's only the first day, by God!

i go back to therapy about the jealousy nonsense next week. i did one session by phone with a counseling center through my employer, but i need to go somewhere else. i just don't feel comfortable going through my job to do so.

[LisaUk]

thanks!

i just know she is not solid on reconciliation, which i really shouldn't be expecting at the moment. it's only the first day, by God!

i go back to therapy about the jealousy nonsense next week. i did one session by phone with a counseling center through my employer, but i need to go somewhere else. i just don't feel comfortable going through my job to do so.

 

I know it must be really hard as she has moved out, but I really get the feeling she wants to see a change in you, then she will come home. I don't think she has given up and although it is nerve racking for you, as long as you do your best to do what she has said she needs you to do, you can do no more. Good luck, but you won't need it I'm sure you want to and will be able to do this.

[tojaz]

MrMayI, I know it;s hard, it gets easier. If she's reaching out to you, thats a fantastic sign. More then I ever received. Just hang in there and let her work through it. Concentrate on yourself and your daughter.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

i'm not just insanely jealous. my newest cell bill reflects that. late night conversations in the very beginning of all this **** should not go unheeded by me. it had dramatically changed since i pointed out my fears last spring. i don't know if this is really all too different than every other story, and i don't know if i'm willing, ever, to let things like this go. like i said, we've essentially been separated for better than a month, so i feel i'm through the initial shock even though we just "physically" separated. these are the reasons i would rather divorce than feel i'm suffering through a lie, when we have a child to think about. suck out the poison before it infects the entire area. so goes the snake bite, so goes a dissolving marriage. maybe separation isn't even my thing. i may just turn the tables. she moved out, and i file.

 

i think once my daughter adjusts to how things are now, a divorce wouldn't change the scenario any. except that i'd just know i felt good for sucking out the poison. i don't know if i want to have to fight for love to return. i'd rather be able to go easily into new love, if it happened, and everybody just be happy.

 

these are just thoughts at the moment. i do have a divorce decree drawn, and a lawyer ready to file for us. i wrote it based on a buddy's decree he had, asked the lawyer to look at it, and he said "if she'll sign, it looks fine". it's essentially everything we agreed to while separating, so maybe she'd just sign, we can shake hands, and she can do what she wants before i become one of these men who tears himself to shreds over a marriage that's gone. i'm an eagle scout. always prepared.

[PWSX3]

i think once my daughter adjusts to how things are now, a divorce wouldn't change the scenario any. except that i'd just know i felt good for sucking out the poison. i don't know if i want to have to fight for love to return. i'd rather be able to go easily into new love, if it happened, and everybody just be happy.

I started seeing a girl 5 months ago from my divorce care class from last fall. Yes at first it is exciting, it is fun, ect. but just like any relationship it takes work so a new relationship still takes work, just like your marriage would.

 

You already know your wife, what she likes & doesn't so the pro's say; it is easier to work on the relationship you have then start a new one & in some ways I do have to agree.

 

In a new relationship you have to learn everything, what they like don't like, what they eat, don't eat & the list keeps going. I just got lucky & the girl I'm dating likes a lot of the same things I do.

 

I would suggest not to run into anything to quick. Try to figure out what attracted you to your wife & then start doing those things again.

[MrMayI]

yesterday, she stopped by to let me see our daughter before i went to the gym. i couldn't find my phone, so she let me use her cell to call mine and see if it rang. she should've just called mine herself, because i saw that she had called the OM in the middle of the night, the first night she was in her house! i didn't say a word, but i definitely consider this a sign of things to come. i don't believe anyone in a relationship should be talking to someone of the opposite sex on a continual basis in the middle of the night, no matter what it's about, if they truly want to work things out. the only woman i've discussed this with even a little is my mother. right now i just cannot and will not trust that it is innocent conversation. maybe in time i will, but right now it just isn't going to happen. she texted me a couple of times yesterday, and called me. it gave me the feeling she was just trying to see what i was doing. she texted to ask me to come watch a movie with them an hour after i'm normally asleep.

i'm still seeing it as she moved out. she has her OM to be in communication with, at all hours of the night. i don't owe her anything except time with our child.

[tojaz]

It's O.K. to ask her about O.M. just don't tell her how you know. She'll just hide it better. If she says she wants to work on it, then O.M. needs to go byebye. If it makes you uncomfortable then it is wrong for the marriage, regardless if it is an affair or not. You need to be able to trust her (regarding jelousy) but she needs to do her part to help build that trust NO O.M. and full transperancy (E-mail, phone bills etc.)

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

It's O.K. to ask her about O.M. just don't tell her how you know. She'll just hide it better. If she says she wants to work on it, then O.M. needs to go byebye. If it makes you uncomfortable then it is wrong for the marriage, regardless if it is an affair or not. You need to be able to trust her (regarding jelousy) but she needs to do her part to help build that trust NO O.M. and full transperancy (E-mail, phone bills etc.)

TOJAZ

 

you're right. the thing is, this is her co-worker, the same guy it all started over. i'm just of the mind last night and today that the best solution is she's out of the house now. our daughter will see no difference with or without a divorce between us. then, she can comfortably do what she wants without feeding me the same line of ****. i have not and will not accept this "friend". i just won't. if nothing else, he just knows too much about my marriage for me to be comfortable around him, ever. i truly feel like i'm done. i'm thankful she made the move. i only feel right when i think of filing for divorce. the rest of the time, i'm torn to pieces trying to figure out how I can make it better. SHE is going to only tell me "he's a good friend. i don't really have any other friends." ***k that.

[tojaz]

you're right. the thing is, this is her co-worker, the same guy it all started over. i'm just of the mind last night and today that the best solution is she's out of the house now. our daughter will see no difference with or without a divorce between us. then, she can comfortably do what she wants without feeding me the same line of ****. i have not and will not accept this "friend". i just won't. if nothing else, he just knows too much about my marriage for me to be comfortable around him, ever. i truly feel like i'm done. i'm thankful she made the move. i only feel right when i think of filing for divorce. the rest of the time, i'm torn to pieces trying to figure out how I can make it better. SHE is going to only tell me "he's a good friend. i don't really have any other friends." ***k that.

 

Thats the line I got, then it was 50 some texts in a month, then i found them in a bar, then she tells me she kissed him. The whole time "just good friends" even now. If your sure your done, then do what you need to do, but be sure. Once divorce is out there, your relationship will never be the same if you get back together. I'm not saying it can't be overcome, but it will always be in her head that you gave up even if thats what she says she wants now. If she wants out, make her pull the trigger. If you want to work on it, then work on it but make it clear what you can and cannot accept. KEEP YOUR INTEGRITY

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Thats the line I got, then it was 50 some texts in a month, then i found them in a bar, then she tells me she kissed him. The whole time "just good friends" even now. If your sure your done, then do what you need to do, but be sure. Once divorce is out there, your relationship will never be the same if you get back together. I'm not saying it can't be overcome, but it will always be in her head that you gave up even if thats what she says she wants now. If she wants out, make her pull the trigger. If you want to work on it, then work on it but make it clear what you can and cannot accept. KEEP YOUR INTEGRITY

TOJAZ

 

Tojaz, this is news to me? It's strange because I just posted on your thread, went out to the garden for a ciggy and was just thinking, "I wonder if Tojaz's wife has an OM?", I swear, then I came back up on LS and here you are! My God man, you have been giving yurself hell, I can't swear to an OM, but really, she kissed him?!

[LisaUk]

yesterday, she stopped by to let me see our daughter before i went to the gym. i couldn't find my phone, so she let me use her cell to call mine and see if it rang. she should've just called mine herself, because i saw that she had called the OM in the middle of the night, the first night she was in her house! i didn't say a word, but i definitely consider this a sign of things to come. i don't believe anyone in a relationship should be talking to someone of the opposite sex on a continual basis in the middle of the night, no matter what it's about, if they truly want to work things out. the only woman i've discussed this with even a little is my mother. right now i just cannot and will not trust that it is innocent conversation. maybe in time i will, but right now it just isn't going to happen. she texted me a couple of times yesterday, and called me. it gave me the feeling she was just trying to see what i was doing. she texted to ask me to come watch a movie with them an hour after i'm normally asleep.

i'm still seeing it as she moved out. she has her OM to be in communication with, at all hours of the night. i don't owe her anything except time with our child.

 

Ok, now I'm starting to rethink my advice to you? Perhaps she is tringing you aloong as a back up plan. I hate to be thid jaded, I would NEVER cheat on someone, I guess that's why this reason didn't occur to me before. God, I don't know, maybe she is maybe she isn't, but I tell you what, texting in the middle of the night? How can she expect you to cope with jeaslousy if this is innocent, when she is doing nothing to make it easier for you. I would at this point try and gather more evidence. Don't do anything yet re divorce, you can't be sure until you have more proof! Hold tight, think it out, I hate games in relationships, think people should just be honest and kind to each other, so it kills me to say, but GET A GAME PLAN.

[tojaz]

The OM was the ex you refered to in your post, (just read it). Yes, she said she kissed him, a friend kiss, I've never seen her kiss a friend before though. When I broke the cutting board (abuser thread) I had asked her to make a decision between me and him, her response was "I can't" I lost it! To this day, she says they are just good friends, and that he was just a symptom of our troubles, thats probably true but she was unwilling to give up their "friendship" in order to help our marriage. I honestly don't know that it was an affair or just as she says it is (why would she lie now?) so i have done my best to give her the benefit of the doubt, out of respect. Time will tell I suppose. Sorry for the HiJack MayI

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

Thats the line I got, then it was 50 some texts in a month, then i found them in a bar, then she tells me she kissed him. The whole time "just good friends" even now. If your sure your done, then do what you need to do, but be sure. Once divorce is out there, your relationship will never be the same if you get back together. I'm not saying it can't be overcome, but it will always be in her head that you gave up even if thats what she says she wants now. If she wants out, make her pull the trigger. If you want to work on it, then work on it but make it clear what you can and cannot accept. KEEP YOUR INTEGRITY

TOJAZ

 

thanks. this is what i needed to see. i'm all over the place about it. on one hand, i want to present her with the bill, then present her with the decree i've had drawn up. on the other hand, i'm telling myself "she has no one within 2,000 miles to really talk to besides me, and right now is not the time to talk to me about it". he's young, he's feeding her ego, she needs that right now. hell, that's what i've been getting from my friends. now, i haven't called any in the middle of the night, but i'm also in bed at 10 pm. i just don't know. she's telling me she wants us to work out. she seemed noticably upset at my non-chalantness about it all yesterday, and my declining of the invitation to come over. i repeat, i just don't know. this moment, this is not the direction i want my life to go. right now, i just don't want to jump the gun and ruin any potential. right now, i just want to escape for a little while. i may have to take a week off and get out of town.

[tojaz]

thanks. this is what i needed to see. i'm all over the place about it. on one hand, i want to present her with the bill, then present her with the decree i've had drawn up. on the other hand, i'm telling myself "she has no one within 2,000 miles to really talk to besides me, and right now is not the time to talk to me about it". he's young, he's feeding her ego, she needs that right now. hell, that's what i've been getting from my friends. now, i haven't called any in the middle of the night, but i'm also in bed at 10 pm. i just don't know. she's telling me she wants us to work out. she seemed noticably upset at my non-chalantness about it all yesterday, and my declining of the invitation to come over. i repeat, i just don't know. this moment, this is not the direction i want my life to go. right now, i just don't want to jump the gun and ruin any potential. right now, i just want to escape for a little while. i may have to take a week off and get out of town.

 

This isn't about what she needs, if it's unacceptable to you, then it's unacceptable for the seperation anything else and your a doormat, think about it. How many of your friends are younger women that are feeding your ego in the middle of the night? I'm not saying thats what it is, but you obviously don't like it, she needs to know that. Integrity!!

 

An escape is a good idea, if you think about this all the time, it will rip you in two. It's hard but find some time to push it out of your head for awhile. Find a song that makes you feel better and blast it until the neighbors cry!! (mine is Kerosene by Miranda Lambert by the way. The refrain is "I've given up on love because loves given up on me, it's playing right now) I know this isn't the direction you want to go right now, but it's beyond your control, that road is closed. You can find another way around or turn around and head back. Just don't sit ther staring at the sign!

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

it is unacceptable. however, i am in no mood to discuss any matters with her, at all, right now. as long as my daughter is okay, i'm okay. i don't really feel like it matters at all in the grand scheme of anything. i just think it is taking me rapidly toward filing for divorce, before the separation is given a chance. i've told her numerous times the dynamic of this friendship MUST change in order for anything to possibly work out. ultimate disrespect. i can buy from her that nothing physical has happened. i cannot buy the amount of disrespect i'm being shown here. she absolutely does not want to hear from me today, i can promise that. i know she's sad, and possibly regretting some things, but today would not be the day to get anything going.

 

on a lighter note, i got a night all to myself last night. there was no crying, no anything really. i had a few bottles of water, and played some of my old records i haven't played in a while. i had a decent time turning "our" room into "my" room. i really just have to determine if i just would like to say forget the whole thing, and be single. i've been burned enough in my lifetime, that i think i could use a really long breather from any of it.

[tojaz]

MayI,

 

It isn't the physical part that will beat you up. I confronted my wife and "THE GUY" in a bar one night. Not like I would have liked to confront him, but we talked. The hardest part, was watching her talk to him, eat of his plate, sitting closer to this "friend" then she did to me. She treated me like I wasn't even there. It's like watching you and your wife, except someone else is in your seat. That will burn a hole right through you.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

MayI,

 

It isn't the physical part that will beat you up. I confronted my wife and "THE GUY" in a bar one night. Not like I would have liked to confront him, but we talked. The hardest part, was watching her talk to him, eat of his plate, sitting closer to this "friend" then she did to me. She treated me like I wasn't even there. It's like watching you and your wife, except someone else is in your seat. That will burn a hole right through you.

TOJAZ

 

you're a good man. if i confront, it won't be anything like that. they would've been wearing whatever was on the table before i even sat down.

this is along my line of thinking, though. if it's going to even come to something like this, i may as well just file, and then i have no reason to worry with what she's doing. i'll have custody of my little girl and she can jump in the arms of whoever she wants to.

i don't like feeling like i'm having the wool pulled over my eyes, and i really think i am. see how i started off on such a positive note? well, she's been out of the house for 2 days, and it already doesn't feel right. i should've known this was really how it was going to happen.

[tojaz]

It won't get better in a matter of days. I'm in my second month of this, the ?? will drive you nuts. Where is she, what is she doing, or who? All I can say if you still love her, then nothing else matters. I still love my wife with all my heart, I've accepted more then I ever thought I would, it took a lot of reflection on all of this before I was sure of that, but I keep up the fight. Don't give up because it's easier, give up because your ready/want to. Nothing worthwhile is easy. And yes, I was with in a hair of ripping his head off, I could have to. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

It won't get better in a matter of days. I'm in my second month of this, the ?? will drive you nuts. Where is she, what is she doing, or who? All I can say if you still love her, then nothing else matters. I still love my wife with all my heart, I've accepted more then I ever thought I would, it took a lot of reflection on all of this before I was sure of that, but I keep up the fight. Don't give up because it's easier, give up because your ready/want to. Nothing worthwhile is easy. And yes, I was with in a hair of ripping his head off, I could have to. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

TOJAZ

 

it's best to just leave that alone, though, so you did the right thing. i do love her. i'll admit to that. in love with her? not now. love her enough to try for a while? i'm not sure. that's why i won't hand her the papers just yet. i can tell you, the gym is in trouble today .

[MrMayI]

hurry up and end work day.