tojaz Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 the holiday went nothing as i hoped it would. my wife came to be with my family and i. i spent all day cooking on the grill for everyone. we sat and had dinner, just the two of us, while everyone else ate in a different room. she left to go change her clothes, as she had just gotten off work before time to eat. when she came back, i stupidly confronted her about her work friends. i found out yesterday morning that she had talked to a different guy than my suspected OM at 4 in the morning on the 3rd while my daughter was there. i also found out she's been texting with this guy in the middle of the night for days. the confrontation did not go smoothly. she told me that she wasn't going to do this. that she wants a divorce and is not going to waiver on that. i then went into crisis mode. i told her that i love her, i want her, but i don't need her. she told me that the reason she left is because she felt like a prisoner living with me, and some days she even thought of killing herself just to get away from me. she then went on to say that she was about to just disappear from this place, and she'd talk to our daughter every now and then. that really spun me, and i told her if that's what she's going to do, i'd make sure she lost all privleges with her daughter, no question. we talked on the phone a little later and i apologized. told her i know it's too late, but i was truly sorry. i told her that she doesn't need to know what i've been going through, but i really wish she'd wait for the day when i can prove i've changed. maybe that day won't come, but i'm trying, and please don't give up on me just yet. she said okay, she won't. i don't know though. i think she already had before yesterday. i just gave her the fuel she wanted to be able to say it out loud. MayI, your following my path. Don't do it. She is not hearing what your saying right now, shes just feeling pressured. Just give her the space she wants. I know the emotions build up, but rather then call her, write it all down in a letter and stash it away somewhere. Or post here instead. I do both. Maybe someday you will give them to her, but write them more for you, get your feelings out. This is hard, I know, I screwed up a lot, called her alot, begged on my knees. Nothing works because she is not hearing it, she s not ready to. Your still in communication, your still working on it, don't do the things that are going to push her away. get a copy of "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 MayI, your following my path. Don't do it. She is not hearing what your saying right now, shes just feeling pressured. Just give her the space she wants. I know the emotions build up, but rather then call her, write it all down in a letter and stash it away somewhere. Or post here instead. I do both. Maybe someday you will give them to her, but write them more for you, get your feelings out. This is hard, I know, I screwed up a lot, called her alot, begged on my knees. Nothing works because she is not hearing it, she s not ready to. Your still in communication, your still working on it, don't do the things that are going to push her away. get a copy of "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis TOJAZ MayI Tojaz is right, you don't have to give up on your marriage yet. I just read the first chapter of Divorce Busting online, it looks like it could really help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 5, 2009 Author Share Posted July 5, 2009 MayI Tojaz is right, you don't have to give up on your marriage yet. I just read the first chapter of Divorce Busting online, it looks like it could really help you. thanks lisa and tojaz. i'm doing the best i can. the wife just came by for a few, still wearing her ring. i could tell she was still upset. i told her it's the last time i'll say it, but i am really resentful and sorry about last night. i told her i'm fairly certain that was rock bottom for me, and i won't let it happen again. i won't. i'm not the kind of guy to snap on someone like that, especially when i know it could cause a horrible outcome. i love her, but i don't know without help that we'll be able to get anything accomplished. i thought we could, but now i just don't know. i'm just going to take it day by day. i'll get that book. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 thanks lisa and tojaz. i'm doing the best i can. the wife just came by for a few, still wearing her ring. i could tell she was still upset. i told her it's the last time i'll say it, but i am really resentful and sorry about last night. i told her i'm fairly certain that was rock bottom for me, and i won't let it happen again. i won't. i'm not the kind of guy to snap on someone like that, especially when i know it could cause a horrible outcome. i love her, but i don't know without help that we'll be able to get anything accomplished. i thought we could, but now i just don't know. i'm just going to take it day by day. i'll get that book. Google "Divorce Busting", go into her website, then click forums, the first chapter is there. She explains that you can save your marriage following her 7 steps, EVEN if your wife is unwilling. She makes a lot of good points, I think she knows what she is talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 5, 2009 Author Share Posted July 5, 2009 i read the first chapter, and am going to order the book. i had already ordered a couple, but they haven't made it here yet. "getting back together", and an overcoming jealousy book. plus, my research is still ongoing. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 thanks lisa and tojaz. i'm doing the best i can. the wife just came by for a few, still wearing her ring. i could tell she was still upset. i told her it's the last time i'll say it, but i am really resentful and sorry about last night. i told her i'm fairly certain that was rock bottom for me, and i won't let it happen again. i won't. i'm not the kind of guy to snap on someone like that, especially when i know it could cause a horrible outcome. i love her, but i don't know without help that we'll be able to get anything accomplished. i thought we could, but now i just don't know. i'm just going to take it day by day. i'll get that book. Neither was I, until I was. I didn't even realize it was happening until after the fact. Then it was dammit, that set me back. As long as she is willing to try, you've got hope, and that can carry you pretty far if you take it slow. If you press, she'll take that from you. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Dude, the more you push the fast she will run.....Like tojaz said; she is NOT listening to anything you say, she is in her own little world that in her mind when she gets away from you then everything will be better. You CAN NOT change her mind on that no matter how much you beg. You say you are not the same person so just keep working on that. Sure you may feel different but under pressure you can see it is very easy to go back to the way you were, so keep working on you. If she calls let her leave a message, if she sends an email, don't reply for a couple of days....Sorry I've been busy (she doesn't need to know what your doing) and let her think you are doing fine. Until she realizes you don't need her & are living o.k. without her then she will stay on her path. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 MayI, Gunny posted the rules of the 180 on Sicktostomachs thread pg 4. is from the Divorce Busting book, think it might help until it arrives? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Heres the 180. It seems impossible, and it's against every instinct your having right now. I followed my instincts and I f$@!ed it up!!! Just keep it in your head. TOJAZ 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 5, 2009 Author Share Posted July 5, 2009 i went backwards last night and today. i haven't been in contact, really except for the kid, but i just feel like i slid back a little. i have the pain of crying welling up in my chest. i don't need it to happen right now. man, cheers to everyone making it, has made it, and had the ba**s to try and fix it. this ride's getting bumpy Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 dang, i feel like a rambler posting so many things, but with the only other big break up in my life i filled several spiral bound notebooks with word after word. now, i only feel like it immediately before or after seeing my wife. tonight she came over and hung out for a couple of hours. i don't think i said 10 words to her. i acted as though i were fine, and have no doubt i appeared cool about it. had i spoken, it would've been different. i'm starting to think my story is exactly like all the rest, and i had convinced myself it was not only different, but going to be okay. she made a comment shortly before she moved out that she hoped we could keep this "momentum" going with one another. ever since she left though, that "momentum" is going fast, and soon to be gone completely. still early, right? i'm looking hard at and for myself, and i think i may be finding who i am can never be with who she is. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 i went backwards last night and today. i haven't been in contact, really except for the kid, but i just feel like i slid back a little. i have the pain of crying welling up in my chest. i don't need it to happen right now. man, cheers to everyone making it, has made it, and had the ba**s to try and fix it. this ride's getting bumpy Don't worry about the emotions man, just find a quiet place and let it come, theres no shame in it. I'm 6'3 250 lbs and have cried like a child on many occasions, would hate myself if i didn't. This may be the hardest thing you will ever go through, but your fighting the good fight the best you can, thats balls right there, keep it up. It's those that walk away that are weak! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 Don't worry about the emotions man, just find a quiet place and let it come, theres no shame in it. I'm 6'3 250 lbs and have cried like a child on many occasions, would hate myself if i didn't. This may be the hardest thing you will ever go through, but your fighting the good fight the best you can, thats balls right there, keep it up. It's those that walk away that are weak! TOJAZ thanks man. i'm honestly not feeling too far from walking away from it, though. i watched my daughter sleep for a good while last night, did a lot of praying, and i just can't find the strength to ride this out. not right now. my wife as i knew her is completely gone. i guess that's not to say i have to file the d right now, as much as i tell myself that's the best solution. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 thanks man. i'm honestly not feeling too far from walking away from it, though. i watched my daughter sleep for a good while last night, did a lot of praying, and i just can't find the strength to ride this out. not right now. my wife as i knew her is completely gone. i guess that's not to say i have to file the d right now, as much as i tell myself that's the best solution. MayI, don't give up, at least wait until you get the books, try everything first. You keep saying you think your situation is no different, IT IS, really, my ex walked out, HE WALKED, he didn't tell me why until after he had gone and would not discuss any possibilty of counselling/reconcililation, was just no, want you gone, get gone. Period. He may as well have just left in the night leaving a contradictory, nonsense note, because that's all I've had from him. You are hanging out with your wife, she's saying she wants to work it out. Don't trhough in the towel, your family is too important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 MayI, don't give up, at least wait until you get the books, try everything first. You keep saying you think your situation is no different, IT IS, really, my ex walked out, HE WALKED, he didn't tell me why until after he had gone and would not discuss any possibilty of counselling/reconcililation, was just no, want you gone, get gone. Period. He may as well have just left in the night leaving a contradictory, nonsense note, because that's all I've had from him. You are hanging out with your wife, she's saying she wants to work it out. Don't trhough in the towel, your family is too important. thanks. i don't want to, believe me. i feel like i'm going to give in to my emotions before i even really try. i have really gotten past a lot of my jealousy issues. she shook me up hard saturday night, though, telling me the reasons she wanted out. that she felt like i was that controlling frightens me. that she can be gone a few days and deep into interaction with other men frightens me. i know i'm supposed to let those things run their course, but these are people she sees almost daily anyway. now, she's chosen to make them her entire existence, pretty much. i am going 180 on several things, though. i will no longer discuss reconciliation with her. i feel she's only been doing this to try and make me feel better. i don't want to hear it anymore. i will not tell her anything i'm feeling that sheds any negativity on her outlook of me. i think i've apologized enough. i'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. thanks lisa. with all that i've read from you, and learned of your situation, that guy is going to regret it, if he doesn't already. mark my words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 a copy of divorce busting is now on hand. i will begin reading it tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 [quote thanks lisa. with all that i've read from you, and learned of your situation, that guy is going to regret it, if he doesn't already. mark my words. Thank you for saying that, I so hope you are right, as much as my head says I shouldn't want him, my heart misses him so much. Your going to get through this MayI, I know you can do it, it just feels really hard right now. I know you are doing a lot of study into jealousy and into how to stop this progressing to a divorce and how to turn it round, are you finding time for yourself though as well? Are you finding time to relax and maybe do something you enjoy? Watch a movie even? You need to, you need all your emotional strength and physical energy for what is facing you and that can be hard to come by when you are having trouble sleeping and eating, I know I was there! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 a copy of divorce busting is now on hand. i will begin reading it tonight. Excellent, that came quickly! Do let me know if there is anything in there that can help me, I think in my case it's to late, you never know though! How hopeful is that?! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 i'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. As long as that is what you are doing, then don't give up! When the thought of never seeing her again dosen't hurt, then you have given up, until then fight the good fight. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 Excellent, that came quickly! Do let me know if there is anything in there that can help me, I think in my case it's to late, you never know though! How hopeful is that?! actually, the copy i ordered should be en route. i went to the library and checked it out. i had one called "reconcilable differences", but wasn't very fond of it at all. i'll update with quotes and such from it as i go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 [quote thanks lisa. with all that i've read from you, and learned of your situation, that guy is going to regret it, if he doesn't already. mark my words. Thank you for saying that, I so hope you are right, as much as my head says I shouldn't want him, my heart misses him so much. Your going to get through this MayI, I know you can do it, it just feels really hard right now. I know you are doing a lot of study into jealousy and into how to stop this progressing to a divorce and how to turn it round, are you finding time for yourself though as well? Are you finding time to relax and maybe do something you enjoy? Watch a movie even? You need to, you need all your emotional strength and physical energy for what is facing you and that can be hard to come by when you are having trouble sleeping and eating, I know I was there! i'm eating. actually i'm eating more than usual, as i'm going to the gym 4 days a week and trying to gain about 25 pounds. i've yet to watch television since this all started. i can't even bear to listen to music right now, so i listen to a news station on my commute each day. sleep is still hard to come by, but it's getting better. i've yet to do anything really enjoyable by myself, but those days are coming. i have a function to go to this week that'll keep me out pretty late at least for a night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 divorce busting is already being pretty eye opening for me. i'm on page 70 now. this sentence is really sticking. i wrote it down twice for some reason: "Each person's behavior is a response to an action or event which preceded it, while at the same time a trigger for that which follows it". i get that. my wife formed a friendship i didn't like. i made it a very big deal. she began to withdraw, and at the same time i turned it to her cheating on me, and having no more love for me. she told me on saturday that "we love each other, but i don't love in the married sense". god, that cut so deep. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 I know what you mean about music, I couldn't listen to any until a few days ago, just made me cry, same for me with TV, have not watched hardly any for 4 months. I think it is important that you take some time for yourself though, do something fun, hopefully the benefit will give you a well deserved break. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Hi MayI, How was "Divorce Busting", did you manage to get it read? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 Hi MayI, How was "Divorce Busting", did you manage to get it read? not completely. i only managed to read about 100 pages yesterday, as i had my daughter last night and was doing a lot of playing. i also got into texting with my brother in law again. he sent me one asking had we gotten a counselor yet. i told him that i have seen someone by myself and doing everything i can for myself and my daughter right now. i asked him had he even talked to his sister. he said he hadn't. he was giving me a chance to "take action". that was followed up with "why are you having trust issues all of a sudden?". i said "what?", and he said "with her. are you checking her cell records every day?". i said "admittedly, i have in the past, though not every day, but that issue is merely a crack in the surface". he said "well, if you can prove to her you trust her, she might come back". i'm at a loss. i ended the conversation there. he's gotten her slant on all of this, and it doesn't even touch the "not in love with you, no romance" speech i got 6 weeks ago. it also doesn't even touch the fact that she told me her accused EA of last year would stop, and still to this day it hasn't. i'm having a hard time with that today. he had apparently talked to their mother, and that's all they know. i haven't been running to my family, but i've also given them complete story when asked. my faults, and some of hers, but more of mine. Link to post Share on other sites
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