Author LisaUk Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 I think it is time for you, lisa, to get out into the pub scene, just to hang out with other folks. Not saying you need to become an alcoholic, I'm just saying it is time to get into a social scene. I know that the answer isn't necessarily finding yourself in another person, but it doesn't hurt to have a distraction. To wit: my date tomorrow night has been on my mind for the last few days, and it makes this all easier. Lupa,I would if I could but it's difficult for the following reasons- I have moved back to my home town with my parents, all my friends are 200 miles away in London. The two friends I do have here, one is married, the other I do go out with every weekend, but she is soooooo not into that whole scene. I have no job, hence I have no money to go out, I can't even claim unemployment due to my finacial settlement, which I can't use to go out with as I need it for when I do finally get a job, to use as a deposit on my own place, otherwise I will never get of my parents house! I can't drive yet (although I am currently learning), I live miles form anywhere and so if I want to go anywhere I have to ask my dad for a lift. Arrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Thanks for the advice though Lup's.
Author LisaUk Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 with long term like ours were...IT will take more than a few months Yeah, maybe I'm being too hard on myself, 18 years is one h**l of a long time, just so sick of feeling like this. what do we do when the 180 seems to be working..but NOT sure of really what we are hearing or dealing with??? Exactly what the 180 says, do not discuss the relationship or reconciliation until they come to you to talk about it, they start the convo about it. Just keep doing the 180, it says it can be a long time for them to come to you, so be prepared to be patient.
razghoul Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Lisa, I hope it's not too soon for me to chime in here. You said you feel like your going no where fast. I beg to differ with you. You have helped everyone of us on this section. You told your story. The word "Feel" in your text speaks volumes. As early as it is for me on this roller coster from hell feeling something other than pain is a bonus. 2 years to 28, it is all important to each of us. You pointed out to me that it is time to work on myself. You pointed me at the MLC. I finally have some focus, something to grasp other than my blind hope. Hang in there your passion, and your STAND is what makes you carry on. You know a success for me is having my wife back. But I am beggining to believe that the old me that is peeking out of the clouds is someone I really want to meet again.
delajoonal Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 raz.... yes, i could not have said it better myself! lisa IS amazing and so incredibly caring. so glad raz you too were able to find the MLC site..i am telling you IT changed my life this past week..i am so serious... because of that site, i was able to work the 180 more and also grasp onto my Faith stronger as well.... i have some amazing news...i will post tomorrow, cause i think all have gone to nighty nights.. anyway.. i also liked what you said about finding YOU again...wow...itsn't that so true... raz, i think you are going to be fine...isn't this site the bEST..and everyone on it... have a good night all ...see you tomorrow, K:)
Gunny376 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Lisa, I hope it's not too soon for me to chime in here. You said you feel like your going no where fast. I beg to differ with you. You have helped everyone of us on this section. You told your story. The word "Feel" in your text speaks volumes. As early as it is for me on this roller coster from hell feeling something other than pain is a bonus. 2 years to 28, it is all important to each of us. You pointed out to me that it is time to work on myself. You pointed me at the MLC. I finally have some focus, something to grasp other than my blind hope. Hang in there your passion, and your STAND is what makes you carry on. You know a success for me is having my wife back. But I am beggining to believe that the old me that is peeking out of the clouds is someone I really want to meet again. Sadly! There's no going back to who I was? The change is forever! Once you've seen the elephant? Once you've gone over the mountain? Lakeside understands what I'm saying here! There's no going back! The "Change" is forever!
delajoonal Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Gunny... what do you mean NO going back to ME/ or finding who we were? i hear that alot on this site and can relate to what "i think" it means anyway??? means-going back and find who we ARE on the inside? i guess i am confused...LOL..i am not a ditz...LOL..just curious..cause after all these months, i may have been taking this whole 'finding myself again' out of context??? thanks Gunny or any other member with thoughts or a correction on what i have thought IT meant all this time?
Gunny376 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I'm older than most here? Career military. 20 + years in the Marine Corps! The other woman ~ was the Marine Corps! The toughest job in the Marine Corps? Is being a Marines wife? Trouble is? No one told me this! "Where are you going?" "I don't know!" " When will you be back?" "I don't know!" "When will I hear from you?" "I don't know!" "When will you call?" "I don't know!"
tojaz Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I just re-read some more of my thread. I don't think I am getting anywhere fast. I am no further along than I was 2 months ago. Sure the raw emotional feelings come by less and less and I do feel more detached from him now. Only sometimes do I remember being in his arms and feeling like I was home. However, I'm still asking if it was me or if this was a commitment problem? What is wrong with me?! When am I going to stop? I keep making my mind up to stop, but then I can't. People say, this stops when you decide to stop it. HOW? urgh................................................................... Lisa, instead of reading your own posts, read your posts to others. Thats a much better indicator of how far you've come. I've had a front row seat, and you've made great strides. TOJAZ
Author LisaUk Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Thanks to everyone who posted. Raz, no it's not to soon for you to post, I appreciate all the support I can get! Tojaz, I know what you mean, it is just so d**m hard to take my own advice! Well, today I have spent the entire day filling out a job application, I have arranged an informal visit to the department for tomorrow, wanted to demonstrate that I am keen. Fingers crossed for me people PLEASE, I need a job. In terms of the emotional rollarcoaster, well, it's still rollin. I guess it will be for some time. Good news, my NHS counsellor called today and I will be seeing her tomorrow evening. Perhaps she can help me to get this striaght in my mind. One thing that really concerns me is that after what he did I just don't know if I will be able to trust anyone again. It's all well and good to think if I meet someone I will be able to trust them, but I kind of think after his abandonment I will always be second guessing their every word, every action. Obviously this would not make for a healthy relationship. I guess this is something else I will need to go over with the counsellor. I just don't get how someone can walk away the way he did. No chance to work it out with him, no opportuity to resolve anything, no explanation until after he had gone, no hint anything was wrong. The only thing I knew was wrong was he had proposed and never set the date, for 8 years. He can't have been unhappy for 8 years surely? Surely I would have picked up on that? So, why didn't he marry me earlier? Was he just using me? Or is this commitment issues? See, I'm still asking, I'll be b****y asking for ever, this is what goes round my head day in day out. I can't take much more of this, I think I am losing my mind. Then there's the pain, the incrediable excruiciating pain that someone who I loved so much and who I thought loved me could do this, could actually walk me round wedding venues, churches, be with me 18 years, profess to love me and then just chuck me out on the street, with no job and no home. B*****d. And what exactly had I done wrong? I said I would rather he didn't get a motorbike again because I feared for his saftey after he had an accident some years ago. I asked him to cut back on his social activities because he worked long hours (left at 6am returned at 7.15pm, with many after work commitments and over night conferences) and I felt I hardly saw him. I just wanted to spend some time with him. Apparrently this was me being controlling. Except I was unaware that it posed a problem for him and my intention was never controlling. Was I blind? Was I controlling? Sorry for the long post and for so many fragmented thoughts, welcome to my head!
tojaz Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Lisa, I read that post, and you have all the right ideas. Read it like it was in my thread and temm me what you would say. thats the best way to take your own advice. Strip the emotional fog away so you can see the whole situation clearly. He sounds so much like my wife it isn't funny. how did you tell me to handle it? How did you explain it to me? TOJAZ
Author LisaUk Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Ok Tojaz, so no one is that good of an actor, he can't have been unhappy otherwise he wouldn't have hung around for 8 years, it's too long. He wanted everything his own way and did not want to compromise at all, he found reasons to justify his behaviour, picking things out he wasn't totally happy with, the things we all have that we don't particularly like about our partners (you know, we all take the bad with the good, no one is perfect), he used thses as excuses, because if he had really got a problem with me he would have gone years ago. So, 8 years, why then, because he had no more excuses to not get married, commitment problem? I know that was a jumble, did it make sense? Is that what you were thinking? Or was he really living an unhappy existence and didn't realise he was unhappy until he had 4, 50 min counselling sessions? Because that is what he said, anyone? Does anyone think that's possible? I really do sound like a lune, may be I really am losing my mind. Oh well, at least I'll get a rest in the nut house.
tojaz Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Ok Tojaz, so no one is that good of an actor, he can't have been unhappy otherwise he wouldn't have hung around for 8 years, it's too long. He wanted everything his own way and did not want to compromise at all, he found reasons to justify his behaviour, picking things out he wasn't totally happy with, the things we all have that we don't particularly like about our partners (you know, we all take the bad with the good, no one is perfect), he used thses as excuses, because if he had really got a problem with me he would have gone years ago. So, 8 years, why then, because he had no more excuses to not get married, commitment problem? I know that was a jumble, did it make sense? Is that what you were thinking? Or was he really living an unhappy existence and didn't realise he was unhappy until he had 4, 50 min counselling sessions? Because that is what he said, anyone? Does anyone think that's possible? I really do sound like a lune, may be I really am losing my mind. Oh well, at least I'll get a rest in the nut house. Lisa, I wrote you on this, check your mail. You can't find excuses in his actions, because it's in his own mind. He rewrote the history to fit his needs. Rather then accepting this as true, your killing yourself trying to make his version match yours. It never will. He left based on a very different thought process to what your used to seeing from him, but your trying to match your current situation to his past personality. Dosen't work because in essence they are two different people! The one you loved is gone and the one thats present dosen't deserve you. TOJAZ
lupa Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 i don't think we are ever going to understand what happened in their brains during all of this. I've even tried to think about what was going through mine in any past breakup, and I know my thoughts didn't change like this -- there were things about the past girlfriends that I STILL like to this day, and I STILL haven't rewritten history to justify my actions (or cheating, yes I cheated on girlfriends but not the wife). I think these people are weak people who cannot admit what they've done, and cannot live with the guilt. They must make the relationship seem so bad in their heads so that they can sleep at night. After a while we are going to have to say good riddance to bad rubbish. I've obviously got the short cut working because I ran into that past girlfriend and it helps, but think about it...why else would they change their minds so much?? It is for their own selfish maintenance of their self image! If they just bailed, they wouldn't be able to live with themselves, so this is your fault. This isn't your fault! It is theirs. It is theirs.
Author LisaUk Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Thanks Lupa, I know you are right, I do. I know I will never get the answers, yet I keep asking. I cannot bear the thought that I caused him to leave me, that my own selfishness, my own stupidity made him stop loving me. That's why I keep asking on here if my behaviour was unreasonable. At the same time there is a big part of me that knows his behaviour was irrational, that he left it right up to the point of marriage, always putting of setting the date, for 8 years. He described making the wedding plans as "a rollarcoaster I couldn't get off", well if you hated me that much, why set the date in the first place? My copy of He's Scared, She's Scared (about commitment phobia)came in at the library today, I've strated it, I have to say so far it has been a real eye opener. There is so much, down to exact words and phrases that he said to me in there. I haven't read much yet, but from what I have read I would recommend it to all of you out there who had walk away spouses. I mean those spouse who left, truely without warning, you had no idea anything was wrong whatsoever. Particularly those that left at life events, anything requiring deeper comittment, so planning children (LUPA), midlife, for anyone who looking back at their relationship still cannot see any red flags, it may be of help?
tojaz Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Thanks Lupa, I know you are right, I do. I know I will never get the answers, yet I keep asking. I cannot bear the thought that I caused him to leave me, that my own selfishness, my own stupidity made him stop loving me. That's why I keep asking on here if my behaviour was unreasonable. Quit beating yourself up. You didn't do this! At the same time there is a big part of me that knows his behaviour was irrational, that he left it right up to the point of marriage, always putting of setting the date, for 8 years. He described making the wedding plans as "a rollarcoaster I couldn't get off", well if you hated me that much, why set the date in the first place? My copy of He's Scared, She's Scared (about commitment phobia)came in at the library today, I've strated it, I have to say so far it has been a real eye opener. There is so much, down to exact words and phrases that he said to me in there. I haven't read much yet, but from what I have read I would recommend it to all of you out there who had walk away spouses. I mean those spouse who left, truely without warning, you had no idea anything was wrong whatsoever. Particularly those that left at life events, anything requiring deeper comittment, so planning children (LUPA), midlife, for anyone who looking back at their relationship still cannot see any red flags, it may be of help? Who wrote it?
Author LisaUk Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Who wrote it? Good point! LOL He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
tojaz Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I'll have to get a copy. Not that it will do any good, but never to late to learn something.
Author LisaUk Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 I'll have to get a copy. Not that it will do any good, but never to late to learn something. CanI ask how long it was before she took off, since you asked about starting a family? Did you agree to never have one? Sorry if it's too personal, just the book says each phobic has a different definition of permancy, for some it's moving in, for some marriage, for some the day AFTER the wedding (my DR told me about that as well), for some starting a family, for some having the last child, some midlife, some grandchildren, it's the whole "ever after" thing, "i'm stuck", lost options.
tojaz Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 CanI ask how long it was before she took off, since you asked about starting a family? Did you agree to never have one? Sorry if it's too personal, just the book says each phobic has a different definition of permancy, for some it's moving in, for some marriage, for some the day AFTER the wedding (my DR told me about that as well), for some starting a family, for some having the last child, some midlife, some grandchildren, it's the whole "ever after" thing, "i'm stuck", lost options. It was a few months, not terribly long before. I had been trying to have the conversation with her for years, but she always seemed to dodge my questions. My exact words where, " I am not willing to sacrifice my marriage for children" I told her that if she wasn't onboard then i would let it go, anything else would have been unfair to her and to any children we may of had, to have an unwilling mother. TOJAZ
Author LisaUk Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 I wonder if she thought it would still come up in the future? I would have a look at the book, it might not be relevant, but in any case it helps you avoid CP's in the future!
tojaz Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I wonder if she thought it would still come up in the future? I would have a look at the book, it might not be relevant, but in any case it helps you avoid CP's in the future! She did, she wouldn't believe that I could let it go, so she percieved that i would eventually leave her to have a family. Or it was just another excuse for her. Who the hell knows. I'll pick it up this weekend when I'm out, sounds like a good read.
Author LisaUk Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 She did, she wouldn't believe that I could let it go, so she percieved that i would eventually leave her to have a family. Or it was just another excuse for her. Who the hell knows. I'll pick it up this weekend when I'm out, sounds like a good read. Not necessarily you would leave her, rather it was her fear trigger, according to the book, each CP has a permancey trigger point, the point a which they feel stuck, for her, marriage ok (keep D as an option, back door), BABY (h**l no, then I'm really tied down)? Don't know, you will need to read it and look at all her behaviour in context.
tojaz Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Very interesting. I'm curious now, my counsellor said the same thing. I'll have to give it a look.
2.50 a gallon Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Lisa: Perhaps I can shed some light on what your ex was thinking In my twenties, I had a great life, friends, lovers. And then I met her. She had her back to me, when I first saw her, I noticed her hair, heard her voice, and as she turned around and I layed eyes on her beautiful face, my first thoughts were "Not now, I'm not ready. I am already happy" This beautiful woman tried so hard to teach me how to love. Yes I was in love with her and it was a living hell. I was miserable at the same time I was at my happiest. I was totally divided down the middle, half of me wanted, more liked needed to spend the rest of my life with her, and the other half, was "think of what you are giving up". You only have one life. If Raquel Welch calls and invites you over for the night, you don't go? The world is full of beautiful woman, why do I have to chose just one now? Can't you just go and come back in five years when I am thirty. Then waking up every morning to that beautiful face kissing me and telling me how much she loved me. I was fighting myself. In some ways I hurt just as bad as when I broke up with my wife a decade later. For over 3 years before she finally got smart and took off.
Author LisaUk Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Thanks Gallon, the thoughts and behaviour you described to me are very much what the book I am reading are talking about as well. Fear of lost options (women), the feeling of being torn, fighting with oneself. Thank you for the insight!
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