Owl Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 If he doesn't change the pattern, the behavior will not change. No one is saying that a miracle with happen and he will just stop if he tells. But he stands a better chance of living an honest life if he starts being honest. AND If he doesn't stop, at least his wife will know what she is dealing with. EXACTLY. Well said.
bentnotbroken Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I never said it was GOOD. But if he would have told everyone involved would that have made him an honerable man? Me thinks not. So it's a no win situation when you find yourself in the middle of an affair. Correct? Whether you tell or not. Whether they find out or not. This is a cop out. You can't have it both ways. You can't say you don't believe that people can change their cheating was( the once a cheater always a cheater rule applies to people who have no boundaries and no intentions of every having any)but can't become honorable by starting with one honorable action. We all start somewhere, good or bad. He has the power(the gov. and OP)to change themselves with courage, conviction, persistence, help and prayer. The truth, especially in the face of the devastating fallout, is an honorable thing to do, because it would mean he cared more about others feelings than his own azz. The no win situation you speak of only applies if you don't live your life without any or low honor and integrity, then it would be pretty hard to grasp the concept of just being truthful with the people who loved and trusted. Winning back your self respect and honor is usually counted in the win column by most people, who live their lives a certain way.
confusedinkansas Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 This is a cop out. You can't have it both ways. All I'm saying is........Finding yourself in a situation such as an affair - OR multiple affairs - in the OP's case- is NOT a good deal. All the way around. The party of the first part gets hurt, the party of the second part gets hurt & if the respective spouses find out - they get hurt too - Most of you here believe that affairs are ALWAYS found out. I just don't think that's the case. And, since the OP is not going to tell his wife anyway - what's the difference.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 All I'm saying is........Finding yourself in a situation such as an affair - OR multiple affairs - in the OP's case- is NOT a good deal. He didn't "find" himself in multiple affairs. he PUT himself there because he is what he is. it wasn't a matter of "oops....darn it, all of a sudden, out of the blue, I'm f#####g someone other than my wife....how the hell did that happen???":rolleyes: All the way around. The party of the first part gets hurt, the party of the second part gets hurt & if the respective spouses find out - they get hurt too - Most of you here believe that affairs are ALWAYS found out. I just don't think that's the case. And, since the OP is not going to tell his wife anyway - what's the difference. the difference is he is getting away with it and therefore will continue to stick his d!ck in other women.
bentnotbroken Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 No all you said was that telling would put him in a lose lose situation. I am of the belief that you don't lose with the truth. You will probably suffer some fallout, but you don't lose in the end. You gain your self respect and you take a step toward a more positive way to live life. No he won't tell, and yes she will find out.
confusedinkansas Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 He didn't "find" himself in multiple affairs. he PUT himself there because he is what he is. it wasn't a matter of "oops....darn it, all of a sudden, out of the blue, I'm f#####g someone other than my wife....how the hell did that happen???":rolleyes: Oh poo that's splitting heirs - you know what I mean - Whether he 'finds' himself there or PUTS himself there. It's the same difference. the difference is he is getting away with it and therefore will continue to stick his d!ck in other women. The way you put things sometimes.......You crack me up dex.
Reggie Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 All I'm saying is........Finding yourself in a situation such as an affair - OR multiple affairs - in the OP's case- is NOT a good deal. All the way around. The party of the first part gets hurt, the party of the second part gets hurt & if the respective spouses find out - they get hurt too - Most of you here believe that affairs are ALWAYS found out. I just don't think that's the case. And, since the OP is not going to tell his wife anyway - what's the difference. "Finding yourself..." Just using language such as this is an indication that you view this whole infidelity thing very differently than many people. It is not an active choice to you, but some random thing that just happens. If that is your philosophy, I guess the advocacy for non-disclosure makes sense within that framework. Disclosure would do nothing to prevent it happening, nor would working on oneself, as it seems you view this as something beyond one's control. But, the fact is that we choose our behaviors and do have control over them. And, they impact others who have the right to know what is going on. Regardless of whether a BS finds out, there is harm to the BS. The relationship is changed and this has an effect on the BS.
confusedinkansas Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 "Finding yourself..." Just using language such as this is an indication that you view this whole infidelity thing very differently than many people. It is not an active choice to you, but some random thing that just happens. If that is your philosophy, Oh Reg....See above. Splitting heirs. So I chose a word that doesn't suit you. My philosophy on an affair would be....AS I HAVE SAID BEFORE....Everyone involved gets hurt. They are NOT a good idea & for anyone out there that is contemplating one, (& I have spoken to many who are) I would & do tell them to steer clear, they are bad news, you DO get hurt. So there! As for the OP....He's not going to tell his wife. He's made that clear. IF he gets caught, so be it. If he doesn't he'll make the best of the situation he has created. PERIOD!
Reggie Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 He's "creating" a hell of a situation for his wife and kids. How he will make the best of that is beyond me. Who cares if he plans on telling? He still should tell. He is the only one that can control that. If someone is intent on pursuing a wrong course of behavior, does it mean he should not be advised to do the right thing? What is the problem with telling the truth?
Reggie Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Oh Reg....See above. Splitting heirs. So I chose a word that doesn't suit you. My philosophy on an affair would be....AS I HAVE SAID BEFORE....Everyone involved gets hurt. They are NOT a good idea & for anyone out there that is contemplating one, (& I have spoken to many who are) I would & do tell them to steer clear, they are bad news, you DO get hurt. So there! As for the OP....He's not going to tell his wife. He's made that clear. IF he gets caught, so be it. If he doesn't he'll make the best of the situation he has created. PERIOD! I also like "hairs" vs "heirs", unless we are talking probate. Well, it is a completely inaccurate way of describing the decision to cheat, thei "finding oneself". I actually like the word "finding" fine. But, in the context of having an affair, it does not describe the process at all.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 The way you put things sometimes.......You crack me up dex. to the point and an accurate account of how things REALLY are. I don't downplay or sugarcoat anything by using watered down words in an effort to make things seem less horrible than they really are;)
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 There's something here very reminiscent of the way I think my H was before d-day. He had been living a lie for so many years it was second nature to him. He did not confess to me - I found out - but once I found out a little of what he'd been up to he confessed everything including stuff I would never have found out myself. He had been unhappy in our marriage for many years but like you apparently could not really put a finger on what was really the problem in his life. He had a good wife, gorgeous children, no financial or work problems etc etc. He was also taking more and more risks that I would find out - he has since wavered about whether he wanted me to find out or wanted to continue living the lie. He says it was enormously relieving to have it out in the open although the distress of me and our children was horrible for him to deal with. Anyway once I did find out he said the path was immediately obvious to him and that was to go NC with all other women (there was really only one main one) and to go all out to work on our marriage. He has now been doing this for 8 months. He has become open with me in a way that he never was before. Much of this has been painful for me especially as I was dealing with the enormity of his betrayal and the double life he was leading. His own father also went through something similar when my H was a teenager so he has experiences it himself and also watched his own mother fall apart - as I did for several months. My advice is to tell your wife - that is what I would have preferred rather and the years of betrayal. Be blunt; tell her the marriage is not working and you have looked elsewhere. Gauge your own reaction - if you want to leave do it and if you don't, go all out to work on the marriage while accepting that she has the power and right to end it. If she says from the start that she wants the marriage to end don't initially assume that it will end - keep trying - you will have to plead for yourself. On the other hand if you can't stay then make that clear and just go. S thank you for this post, it was a very interesting persepctive to see that someone was in the same situation as me and how he handled it, i hope it is all going well for you.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 I just wonder, OP, if your marriage is truly not working. Or if you just have this compulsion to seek out that high you get when you meet someone new. It is a physical, as well as emotional, experience, and I am convinced that it can be "addictive", even if the chemicals we are after are produced by our own brains. Speaking from some first hand experience, I know what it's like to miss that thrill of a new person, new eyes looking at you, someone who has never heard your stories a million times, someone whose stories you have never heard before, that amazing sense of discovery. I'm getting better (with age and some disillusioning experiences) to recognize the difference between real love/connection and "wow, who are you? You like me, too?" Fortunately for me, most of my wandering has been in my head, and I was able to control my behavior. In your case, I think you ought to come clean with you wife and then try to honestly work out who it is you are, what you need, what she can live with. I wish you the best, buddy, I think I understand what your real problem is. i think you understand it very well,its an addiction problem, after thinking about it i dont think this is about my marriage,its about me and alot of the issues i have but yes its an addicition to having that ow and all that comes with it.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 I will also add, NS7 seems like a tough guy and can take whatever is thrown at him here. What's been said has been respectful and honest. Maybe harsh at times, but noone is calling him names. He knows what he has to do, he just has to let go of the fear and of the unknown, take a chance. i have appreciated every bit of what anyone has said, yes i can take it and fully expected it.. i need to hear these things so i would never want anyone to be anything but honest and say whay they feel. whichway- i have appreciated your posts and in no way did i feel you bullied me, i need to be the one to make decisions and nobody will force me to do that,its me and only me in the end.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Yeah - & has anyone read about the South Carolina Governor who cheated on his wife...... Here's basically what he's saying to his wife (which is pretty much what you're all saying that OP should say to his wife.) "Hey, Honey, I found my soul mate & I am madly in love, we've been having an affair for X-Years......BUT hell, I think I'll settle for YOU & we'll give it the old college try & work things out....wadda ya say" .... It might be how he FEELS right now, doesn't mean he has to come out & say it! How would that make ANYONE FEEL? Like SH*IT! I'm sure. I go back to my original on this one........DON'T TELL!!!!! (We all know you're not going to tell- but many keep saying you should....so I just thought I'd throw out this example) i have been reading the sc govenor story and it has been interesting,the one point i will make about that is that if i tell her right now thats exactly what would come out of my mouth but here is a thought, if i take the time and i think and try to make some changes then she is spared from that when maybe i realize that this ow is not all the things i think she is and i realize its an addiction and nothing else.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 i have been reading the sc govenor story and it has been interesting,the one point i will make about that is that if i tell her right now thats exactly what would come out of my mouth but here is a thought, if i take the time and i think and try to make some changes then she is spared from that when maybe i realize that this ow is not all the things i think she is and i realize its an addiction and nothing else. what do you mean if you realize this OW is not all the things I think she is? What does that matter? You have cheated before and according to you they were one night stands. So what does it matter what you think of the woman you are laying down with? It didn't stop you before when you KNEW it was gonna be just one night. So if you don't face the consequences, and you know you are getting away with it, what possibly is going to make you think, "hey!! I no longer want to have sex with women besides my wife!!" Really, you think you're desire to have sex with strange women (hence the phrase "getting some strange") is just going to go away? it doesn't just go away, it has to be scared out of you. Hopefully your wife finds out somehow and you will THEN see what you really have to lose.
annieo Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 i have been reading the sc govenor story and it has been interesting,the one point i will make about that is that if i tell her right now thats exactly what would come out of my mouth but here is a thought, if i take the time and i think and try to make some changes then she is spared from that when maybe i realize that this ow is not all the things i think she is and i realize its an addiction and nothing else. First of all, just because your brain produces opiates when you are in that giddy state of infatuation does NOT mean you don't know what you're doing. Tossing the word "addiction" around does NOT excuse you and is NOT a reason to continue to lie to your wife. We all make choices, even addicts, and some addicts kick their addictions and start over. That is where you should be putting your energy right now. Waiting this thing out, like a case of flu, will not prevent you from getting another bout in a few months, or a few years. Only some slate clearing and serious, painful soul-searching (and perhaps some therapy) will help prevent "reccurrance". There are two issues here: you've got to start being honest with yourself AND you've got to start being honest with your wife ABOUT WHO YOU ARE. The only person's feeling you are sparing by continuing to deceive her are yours. Don't try to make your lying seem considerate I doubt even you really believe that.
confusedinkansas Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 First of all, just because your brain produces opiates when you are in that giddy state of infatuation does NOT mean you don't know what you're doing. Tossing the word "addiction" around does NOT excuse you and is NOT a reason to continue to lie to your wife. . HEY I was thinking this too. The word "addiction" does seem to be tossed around a lot..........AND....Didn't you kick the gambling addiction? Whether your wife knew about that or not - Still a bit of an excuse right now.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 what do you mean if you realize this OW is not all the things I think she is? What does that matter? You have cheated before and according to you they were one night stands. So what does it matter what you think of the woman you are laying down with? It didn't stop you before when you KNEW it was gonna be just one night. So if you don't face the consequences, and you know you are getting away with it, what possibly is going to make you think, "hey!! I no longer want to have sex with women besides my wife!!" Really, you think you're desire to have sex with strange women (hence the phrase "getting some strange") is just going to go away? it doesn't just go away, it has to be scared out of you. Hopefully your wife finds out somehow and you will THEN see what you really have to lose. i never said i had 1 night stands, i had a 1 night stand 10 years ago,one emotional affair and now this current affair, i never said i had multiple one night stands nor do i look for that.i know cheating is cheating but i wanted that to at least be clear.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 HEY I was thinking this too. The word "addiction" does seem to be tossed around a lot..........AND....Didn't you kick the gambling addiction? Whether your wife knew about that or not - Still a bit of an excuse right now. you are 100% correct, yes i have addicition problems but yes you are also corect that i know full well what i am doing,yes i kicked the gambling addicition on my own so i am capable. i dont meant to toss it around alot nor use it as my soul excuse,but it does play a factor.there are many things that play a factor and i have mentioned many in this thread but at the end of the day i am a bright man who should be responsible for his actions without blaming other things.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 I actually signed on today to let everyone know that i have sent a full nc letter to the ow, i know mosthave doubts about me and i know there is more to be done but at least i am making some progress. i have also been trying to focus all of my now free time on my wife and kids and my work,we went out to a nice dinner and shopping last night, talked alot, i dont make promises but i am really hoping that this will be the end of the line for me and maybe i can finally get past this and be the man i set out to be when i got married and had a family. again i am not expecting or looking for applauses but i did want to let everyone who has been so generous with there advice and time know where i am currently at.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Wow, that's certainly a step in the right direction! i dont make promises but There is a good reason for that, I suppose! i am really hoping that this will be the end of the line for me and maybe i can finally get past this and be the man i set out to be when i got married and had a family. Unfortunately hoping isn't going to get you very far. By your tone, and your fear to commit completely you don't sound very confident yourself. I can see you want to do the right thing, but this is a little bigger than you and even you know that. Next step, therapist.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 i never said i had 1 night stands, i had a 1 night stand 10 years ago,one emotional affair and now this current affair, i never said i had multiple one night stands nor do i look for that.i know cheating is cheating but i wanted that to at least be clear. ok, then you are a multiple, repeat cheater......the points still stand. you are going to suffer no consequences, and the next time the perfect opportunity arises in which you think you can get away with it again....you will take it.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 ok, i am back and still searching for the answers, so i am going to go at this a different way now. just an update, after we tried nc, me and mw we were back together yesterday,it may only be this once but again it was easy and all the feelings came right back again.so i have taken no positive steps in any direction. so i am going to ask this question as i still search for the right thing to do, if i tell my W,can anyone give me a good way to tell her? sometimes i wish i would just get caught just so i can face the music and finally be honest like i have in these posts,but of course i havent gotten myself caught and i just cant seem to bring myself to tell her, although i realize its the right thing to do and that i am robbing her of her life by letting her think she is living in a perfect world...i worry not only about the devastation i will cause her but also the fact the kids will be dragged into it because she will cry and they will see,i also worry about the fact that even know i have done all this and have basically lived a complete lie that she will beg me not to leave and the guilt will again keep me there.i worry if she will be ok and if the kids will survive, i do love her and want her to be happy, i enjoy taking care of her but right now i dont feel that i am connected,to the outside world i am perfect but i am living a double life and its catching up to me.. i have even taken to helping other posters see what a wh is really like to try and help them but i cant seem to help myself.i need to figure things out one way or another because i cannot live with this indecision and guilt. please, i know most will judge me and say they have done all they can do and i told you so etc etc but now i am looking for people who understand what i am going through,maybe some H or W who have out of the blue told their spouses about the A and have come clean.i know they are out there and i really need to hear from you. please read my story first and i am hoping to find others who have lived this life and hear how they finally resolved it and where they are now.
Owl Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 If you're asking for the 'best way' to tell your wife, other than two basic suggestions, there isn't much else to say. 1. Get your kids out of the house for several hours at least when you plan to do this. Make arrangements for them to spend the night at a relative's or friend's house. 2. Plan to require several hours or even at least one full day to devote to this with NO interruptions or responsibilities outside of discussing this whole situation with your wife. Other than that...be ready to devote ALL of your resources to dealing with the storm that will occur. Be ready to agree to NC with OW...heck...be ready to agree to pretty much ANY restriction your wife places on you. Don't try to say that you understand what she's going through...you don't, you won't, and you'll just be patronizing her. Then tell her point blank the truth of what's gone on in your 'private life'.
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