All in My Head-Need it out

[Owl]

thats were you are wrong, i have taken every single thing that anyone here generous enough to take there time to post has said to me, i have begun to think about it all and i am trying very hard to make the changes.

 

i talked to my wife a bit the other night about some things, i have been trying to go nc with the ow,i am trying to throw my weight into my marriage and i am also starting to ask around for a therapist.

 

so thats not entirely true, i know it may not seem like it in my writings but you guys have helped me and have given me a place to get these things out of my head and to maybe finally break my cycle.

 

What makes THIS any different from any of the other times you've put effort into your marriage before?

 

From my side of the internet...this just looks like a repeat of the cycle you've been on for decades.

 

I don't see any indications that what you're doing today is any different from any of the other times that you've "tried" before. You've proven to yourself repeatedly that trying 'on your own' has always failed.

 

Knowing that, and trying it that way again anyway is an indicator that you truly AREN'T changing anything. You've left yourself the 'excuse' to fail once again, without accepting the responsibilty for it.

 

Change is exactly that...doing something NEW.

 

I don't see NEW in here yet...do you?

[stuckinoz]

i talked to my wife a bit the other night about some things, i have been trying to go nc with the ow,i am trying to throw my weight into my marriage and i am also starting to ask around for a therapist.

 

If you don't mind my asking.....What did you talk to her about?

Don't you think that your asking around for a therapist will throw up a red flag in her (your words) perfect little life?

[NOTSURE7]

What makes THIS any different from any of the other times you've put effort into your marriage before?

 

From my side of the internet...this just looks like a repeat of the cycle you've been on for decades.

 

I don't see any indications that what you're doing today is any different from any of the other times that you've "tried" before. You've proven to yourself repeatedly that trying 'on your own' has always failed.

 

Knowing that, and trying it that way again anyway is an indicator that you truly AREN'T changing anything. You've left yourself the 'excuse' to fail once again, without accepting the responsibilty for it.

 

Change is exactly that...doing something NEW.

 

I don't see NEW in here yet...do you?

 

i cant change the past, i am just trying to make a better future for myself, i need to get back on track and the first step is realizing i need help to do that, now of course my woords mean nothing and i need to take real actions.

[NOTSURE7]

If you don't mind my asking.....What did you talk to her about?

Don't you think that your asking around for a therapist will throw up a red flag in her (your words) perfect little life?

 

i talked to her about the fact that i didnt want to be like my father,who basically had the same behaviors as i am displaying,she knows about the gambling in the past so i told her i want to make sure i am not capable of other things and that i would like to seek help so that i dont make the same mistakes he did, she said talk to me, i didnt come out and tell her that i did this or that but i gave her an idea to keep her eyes open and that i need to get some help.

 

i know its not the flat out honesty everyone is looking for but i did the best i could, my goal was to have her make me accountable and more aware and to get myself some help so that in the end i am not my father who today is still married to my mom but yet still carrying on or so i beleive.

[PhoenixRise]

i talked to her about the fact that i didnt want to be like my father,who basically had the same behaviors as i am displaying,she knows about the gambling in the past so i told her i want to make sure i am not capable of other things and that i would like to seek help so that i dont make the same mistakes he did, she said talk to me, i didnt come out and tell her that i did this or that but i gave her an idea to keep her eyes open and that i need to get some help.

 

i know its not the flat out honesty everyone is looking for but i did the best i could, my goal was to have her make me accountable and more aware and to get myself some help so that in the end i am not my father who today is still married to my mom but yet still carrying on or so i beleive.

 

 

I am wondering how you expect her to help you be accountable for things you do and have always done behind her back.

[NOTSURE7]

I am wondering how you expect her to help you be accountable for things you do and have always done behind her back.

 

what i meant by the statement making me accountable was that i felt as if by telling her i can be capable of doing the things my father has done and the fact she knows alot of what he is done that maybe she will keep an extra eye on me or ask more questions which in turn will not make me feel so secure in that i can get away with things and force me to seek change.

 

i draw the parallel to when she caught me gambling,besides the trust and all the devasation i caused, she started to hold me finanically accountable and she took over all the bills and watched our money like a hawk,she still continues to today,so i never gambled again and i never took money and i openly discuss all financial matters with her.

[Owl]

NOTSURE7, I know I'm being a pain.

 

And it IS deliberate.

 

It's not personal...I don't know you at all really, so it can't be personal.

 

But here's the thing.

 

I truly struggle with people who complain about how horrible "something" is in their life...and yet they do nothing to fix the situation, to change, to remove the horrible "whatever" from their life.

 

I'm an action-oriented advice giver. I don't post advice with all the lovely, touchy-feely garbage in it.

 

I'm a solve-the-problem guy. And frankly I have very little patience for someone who KNOWS what to do, COMPLAINS that something must be done...but then sits there crying that their world is falling apart when they're holding the answers in their hand.

 

I see you, and I think to myself that you've already been given all the tools, all the answers you needed. You came here (like so many others) already knowing the answers.

 

But you just keep posting about how bad you're feeling, and you're doing NOTHING to solve the problem...even with the power to fix it firmly grasped in your hands.

 

I'm sorry...at this point I think you may be the first person I put on ignore on this site, simply so that I don't come here and read this thread and see pages and pages more of the same thing over and over and over.

 

I really meant what I said about wanting to hear from people that "you're not that bad"...I really believe that this is why you're posting here. You don't want to fix the problem, you simply want reassurances.

 

I can't give that to you. I don't think that anyone should, if that's all you're going to get out of it.

 

If you were taking action, this thread would be worth every word in those 19 pages. But you're not taking action. You just want to feel better. That's not the solution.

 

Good luck. I really truly hope things work out for you and your wife.

[confusedinkansas]

i talked to her about the fact that i didnt want to be like my father,who basically had the same behaviors as i am displaying,she knows about the gambling in the past so i told her i want to make sure i am not capable of other things and that i would like to seek help so that i dont make the same mistakes he did, she said talk to me, i didnt come out and tell her that i did this or that but i gave her an idea to keep her eyes open and that i need to get some help.

 

i know its not the flat out honesty everyone is looking for but i did the best i could, my goal was to have her make me accountable and more aware and to get myself some help so that in the end i am not my father who today is still married to my mom but yet still carrying on or so i beleive.

 

If that were me I'd immediately become suspicious. So, maybe you will get your wish & she'll snoop & find stuff....who knows. There are still spouses out there that stick their heads in the sand & really don't care...Not saying she's one of them, but ya never know.

[PhoenixRise]

Frankly, asking for help this way is a cop out. You get to have the illusion of "trying" to do better when you actually haven't done anything.

 

How about this as a first step if you are serious.

 

Look in the yellow pages under therapist and call one.

 

OR

 

Send the OW a NC letter then block her from your email and phone.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

what i meant by the statement making me accountable was that i felt as if by telling her i can be capable of doing the things my father has done and the fact she knows alot of what he is done that maybe she will keep an extra eye on me or ask more questions which in turn will not make me feel so secure in that i can get away with things and force me to seek change.

Please don't turn her into your truant officer. That's no life for her and she will loose repsect for you faster than you can blink your eye. It will also give you a reason to loathe her. Do not go there, there's no turning back from that.

[confusedinkansas]

NOTSURE7, I know I'm being a pain.

 

And it IS deliberate.

 

It's not personal...I don't know you at all really, so it can't be personal.

 

But here's the thing.

 

I truly struggle with people who complain about how horrible "something" is in their life...and yet they do nothing to fix the situation, to change, to remove the horrible "whatever" from their life.

 

I'm an action-oriented advice giver. I don't post advice with all the lovely, touchy-feely garbage in it.

 

I'm a solve-the-problem guy. And frankly I have very little patience for someone who KNOWS what to do, COMPLAINS that something must be done...but then sits there crying that their world is falling apart when they're holding the answers in their hand.

 

I see you, and I think to myself that you've already been given all the tools, all the answers you needed. You came here (like so many others) already knowing the answers.

 

But you just keep posting about how bad you're feeling, and you're doing NOTHING to solve the problem...even with the power to fix it firmly grasped in your hands.

 

I'm sorry...at this point I think you may be the first person I put on ignore on this site, simply so that I don't come here and read this thread and see pages and pages more of the same thing over and over and over.

 

I really meant what I said about wanting to hear from people that "you're not that bad"...I really believe that this is why you're posting here. You don't want to fix the problem, you simply want reassurances.

 

I can't give that to you. I don't think that anyone should, if that's all you're going to get out of it.

 

If you were taking action, this thread would be worth every word in those 19 pages. But you're not taking action. You just want to feel better. That's not the solution.

 

Good luck. I really truly hope things work out for you and your wife.

 

Owl - it takes some people a very long time of "Complaining, Wondering what to do, Fence Sitting, Being unhappy" before they can take any action. Even if they know the answer & they know what they need to do. Knowing something & actually doing it are two different things. And the doing part is WAY harder than the knowing part.

I for one whined, complained, bitched, sat on the fence, about my husband for 2+ years, before I DID anything about it. It's just very difficult for some to get off center & take action. Takes some more time that it takes others.

[NOTSURE7]

If that were me I'd immediately become suspicious. So, maybe you will get your wish & she'll snoop & find stuff....who knows. There are still spouses out there that stick their heads in the sand & really don't care...Not saying she's one of them, but ya never know.

 

yes i dont know, my point was more that i was talking to her which i never really do and trying in my own way to get things moving towards change.

[NOTSURE7]

Frankly, asking for help this way is a cop out. You get to have the illusion of "trying" to do better when you actually haven't done anything.

 

How about this as a first step if you are serious.

 

Look in the yellow pages under therapist and call one.

 

OR

 

Send the OW a NC letter then block her from your email and phone.

 

fair enough phoenix

[GorillaTheater]

It's been nearly two weeks since I last harrassed you, Notsure. Have you actually DONE anything yet?

[NOTSURE7]

Owl - it takes some people a very long time of "Complaining, Wondering what to do, Fence Sitting, Being unhappy" before they can take any action. Even if they know the answer & they know what they need to do. Knowing something & actually doing it are two different things. And the doing part is WAY harder than the knowing part.

I for one whined, complained, bitched, sat on the fence, about my husband for 2+ years, before I DID anything about it. It's just very difficult for some to get off center & take action. Takes some more time that it takes others.

 

thank you confused

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You should seek change if thats what you desire, why should she have to force you to do it? Would you want to be married to, or even in an affair, or friendship with someone you have to force to comply??? That also is not real.

[2sunny]

stop talking about it and take solid action! THAT will allow you to be proud of yourself and a bit kinder to yourself when you look in the mirror.

 

EARN ALL the nice things your wife says so freely about you! come on! action on your part will turn this all around.

 

cut the OW off completely and recommit to your M the way you hoped you would when you married your wife.

[NOTSURE7]

It's been nearly two weeks since I last harrassed you, Notsure. Have you actually DONE anything yet?

 

honestly i havent done anything that will make anyone here happy but for myself i feel i am making some progress

[NOTSURE7]

You should seek change if thats what you desire, why should she have to force you to do it? Would you want to be married to, or even in an affair, or friendship with someone you have to force to comply??? That also is not real.

 

i know i am the one who needs to make the changes, i was just trying to open up to her a bit and try to make steps.it may not be the best but to me it was progress

[NOTSURE7]

stop talking about it and take solid action! THAT will allow you to be proud of yourself and a bit kinder to yourself when you look in the mirror.

 

EARN ALL the nice things your wife says so freely about you! come on! action on your part will turn this all around.

 

cut the OW off completely and recommit to your M the way you hoped you would when you married your wife.

 

how can i say no to farrah..lol

 

yes you are right, i would probably feel good finally living a clean life and actually being proud of the things i have done.

[2sunny]

honestly i havent done anything that will make anyone here happy but for myself i feel i am making some progress

 

that's not true... as i think most people here appreciate honesty.

 

then - after that self admission usually comes the mindset to change things in order to be happy. whether or not what that looks like to you is what YOU take action on... either leave your wife - or commit only to her.

 

action is usually the next step... can you do that?

[NOTSURE7]

that's not true... as i think most people here appreciate honesty.

 

then - after that self admission usually comes the mindset to change things in order to be happy. whether or not what that looks like to you is what YOU take action on... either leave your wife - or commit only to her.

 

action is usually the next step... can you do that?

 

i am working everyday on action but its not so easy but i am recognizing the need and i am trying and thats progress for me

[IfWishesWereHorses]

i know i am the one who needs to make the changes, i was just trying to open up to her a bit and try to make steps.it may not be the best but to me it was progress

 

I'm in the minority here in my opinion that you should not tell. Once she question, or accuses, or has any inclination, then I change my advice. Then you start gaslighting, prefering her to think she's crazy over you having to confess or being found out. She'll even buy into it because your asking her not to believe something she wouldn't in a million years care to. You, then, are abusing her, its insidious and her love for you will cause her self doubt and harm. That to me is hundreds of times worse than the affair, especially for someone you have some type of love for.

 

You also are even further away from being honest with yourself or living and honest life, whatever you choose.

 

There are several reasons that people become serial cheaters. This isn't the same as...oops, it hit me before a knew it.

 

See someone who specializes in these types of things. Have you ever heard of a love addiction?

[2sunny]

i am working everyday on action but its not so easy but i am recognizing the need and i am trying and thats progress for me

 

it is the hard stuff that we accomplish that we are the most proud.

 

if you don't try - you won't know if you can become the man/husband/father you want to be... just take action - a firm stance and give it a go - if it's not perfect at first - just start again... but start.

 

it's called COURAGE! give yourself something to be proud of!

[whichwayisup]

Seems to me that you're going to let people you don't know & that don't know your entire situation bully you into telling her. I understand people come to LS for advice, support, words of encouragement as well as the bashing that comes along with it.

But I guess that for people to become bully's...& say they will bug you until you SAY THE RIGHT THING & or DO THE RIGHT THING.......Very interesting, I find this.

I'm not bullying him in anyway. It's up to him if he chooses to confess and tell the truth to his wife..I believe eventually she'll find out on her own, if he doesn't seek counsellling..And yeah, I AM pushing him to get counselling - and he seems okay with me riding him about that. He knows too, that I used abit of humour and I admitted to becoming a pain in his ass about counselling. I'm not bullying him nor bashing him. If you read any of his responses TO me, then you'd see this.

 

Noone has bashed him here. This thread is VERY tame compared to how it used to be in the past. Most are truly trying to help this guy and wake him up now before things get worse.