All in My Head-Need it out

[bentnotbroken]

You are looking for excuses about for everything except the excuse to be and behave like a mature man. Sad, maybe the Lord will relieve you of your burden and give your wife the life she deserves at the same time.

[NOTSURE7]

2sunny- i think thats my best approach, i have so much in this head that needs to be figured out.i need to understand that with all i have why at the end of the day its not enough

[PhoenixRise]

You will always be a coward until you decide not to be.

 

 

You are analyzing this into insanity. You already know what the right thing to do is. Will you ever have the courage to do what is right?

 

 

I feel sorry for your wife.

[Snowflower]

it makes it hard because you are totally shocking someone as opposed to them having an idea.it may sound strange but to be confronted is alot easier,well thats of course unless you lie and deny like most do.

 

i in no way assume that others havent been in the same situation but i also havent run into many who told their W without being confronted or caught first.i havent heard advice from anyone who has just walked in the door and said i cheated,i have heard many suggest i do that but i think you have to agree its easy to say but hard to do.

 

 

 

NS - I appreciate your totally honesty here in these posts. I get that you're very conflicted and not sure what to do. However, it is time to have the same honesty IRL with your wife.

 

Of course it would be easier (for YOU) if your wife confronted you about your affair. But, I have the feeling that you would continue to lie and deny to her face even if she were to confront you.

 

FWIW, my husband did confess his affair to me--I did not know beforehand. I did not have to confront him with some type of 'proof.' He manned up and told me himself. He later said it was the most difficult thing he has ever done. So yes, it can be done...and you will survive it and so will your wife.

 

Whether your marriage survives or not, you OWE your wife an honest confession. She has been your partner and your friend for 11 years-even if she is not the woman of your 'dreams' (whatever that means), she still deserves honesty for once in your marriage. She is the mother of your children. Sheesh, do the right thing already!!!

[confusedinkansas]

I think that for the most part - we understand your confusion & concern for your wife.

BUT you just seem to be making excuses all over the place.

 

You are either going to do it - or you're not. Sitting on the fence can be a very painful place to sit....in more ways than one:)

 

Only you can decide what it is that your Wife Deserves. If she deserves to live in the dark, then don't tell her....and visa versa.

 

I'm honestly do not think that counseling can even help you with this decision. (Wouldn't she get suspicious anyway if you suddenly started seeing a shrink) You seem like a 'smooth operator' (I don't mean that as a slam) & you'd probably do a snow job on the counselor too.

[bentnotbroken]

NS - I appreciate your totally honesty here in these posts. I get that you're very conflicted and not sure what to do. However, it is time to have the same honesty IRL with your wife.

 

Of course it would be easier (for YOU) if your wife confronted you about your affair. But, I have the feeling that you would continue to lie and deny to her face even if she were to confront you.

 

FWIW, my husband did confess his affair to me--I did not know beforehand. I did not have to confront him with some type of 'proof.' He manned up and told me himself. He later said it was the most difficult thing he has ever done. So yes, it can be done...and you will survive it and so will your wife.

 

Whether your marriage survives or not, you OWE your wife an honest confession. She has been your partner and your friend for 11 years-even if she is not the woman of your 'dreams' (whatever that means), she still deserves honesty for once in your marriage. She is the mother of your children. Sheesh, do the right thing already!!!

 

He would have to buy, borrow or grow some brass ones to do that.

[2sunny]

2sunny- i think thats my best approach, i have so much in this head that needs to be figured out.i need to understand that with all i have why at the end of the day its not enough

 

from experience and overcoming tough hurdles myself... i have learned that it's best not to ask why!!!!

 

BEST to ask HOW!!! HOW can i make it different than its ever been in the past... when you get to the point where you are taking ACTION on that whole concept - you will be living a much different life than you are now.

 

keep and open mind and be willing to change. THAT is when you may begin to discover happiness.

[hopereys]

I have alot going on in my head and i need to make some choices,unfortunately i have no one to talk too and i am hoping that everyone here can help me.please read my whole story before judging me,i am looking for good advice, i know i will hear that i am selfish,narcissitic a cake eater etc etc but i am hoping that some of you can see through all this and realize i am someone who needs help and offer me some good solid advice and help.i am someone who has held things inside all of my life, i never share my feelings and i just keep on truckin but i think its finally catching up to me in my head and i need help.

 

this is a long history so please bare with me...i have been very open and honest here and need some good advice.

 

ok here goes,i am a 36 year old man,married almost 11 years, with 3 children ages 9 1/2,6 1/2 and 4 1/2,i live in a seemingly(to the rest of the world,my wife and kids) perfect marriage.my wife is a wonderful loving person,she calls me honey and cant do enough for me,she cares and loves and is an amazing mother. she is all about family,i go to work everyday, support my family well, i do things to make my wifes life easier, i drive kids to school, i am an active loving father,coaching teams,swimming with kids and never missing anything of my childrens, i truly care about my wife,i like when shes happy and i feel like i take care of her, i do what needs to be done.

 

ok all sounds good so far, except for the fact that i am living a complete lie and i have been for most of my married life.i knew from day 1 that i picked the wrong woman,we are polar oppsites,we were raised as polar opposites, our families and parent are polar opposites,i married her at a time in my life when i was very needy,she was there and we fell in love, i thought i could be that picket fence,all about family,loving husband, this wasnt what i knew or how i grew up but i liked the thought and i said maybe this is what i need.

 

now here is the history,3 months into our marriage,my first time away from my wife, i was at a wedding and slept with another woman, i felt such tremendous guilt but i went home and never said a thing to my wife,life went on,there were trips to strip clubs here and there but sexually speaking i stayed trouble free, but i also was gambling on sports and i drained most of our wedding money, she caught on and confronted me and we worked through it,these were the early years and life continued to go on,we had our first 2 children and all seemed to be ok, i was doing the right things,i began to get feelings of boredom and eventhough i told myslef it was wrong one thing lead to another and i found the internet and what started out as cyber sex and phone sex ended up turning into an almost 4 year emotional affair with a local woman, i dont know if anyone had ever had an emotional affair but they are intense, you become consumed by this other person,they give you everything you are missing,its exciting,anyway me and this woman really hit it off to the point i could finish her sentences,we confided everything in one another and declared our love for one another,for fear of losing what we had we never wanted to meet but finally decided to do so,we met twice,she was all i thought she would be,we kissed immediately,i never slept with her and besides the kissing we really didnt do all that much else.at the same time gambling reared its ugly head again and my wife caught on to the gambling again,so now i am going through this and trying once again to save my marriage from gambling and this other woman basically asks me to leave my wife for her,i told her i couldnt do that and she became very upset,i was battling 2 fronts and needless to say it was very stressful, in the end i worked through the gambling issue again and regained trust, i never left her for the other woman and that woman ended up going her seperate way,my wife never knew about her and although 6 months later she resurfaced and the emotional affair briefly beagn again she is no longer in my life..i continued to try and be the husband i promised to and am supposed to be,i rebuilt trust and life moved on..

 

so i continued to play around and flirt on the internet,harmless, i mostly did it with people who lived far and it was really just keeping me occupied and out of what i considered real trouble..

 

but low and behold about a year ago i posted a profile on a website for married people who have affairs, i knew it was wrong and potentially dangerous but that didnt stop me,after answering a few ads etc etc, i met a woman who was local,she was just like me and in fact we had people in common,she was in a marriage with 3 children and supposedly she was just looking for sex but the things we talked about it was obvoius we both needed way more,we were both reluctant to meet but the connection was too great, we emailed everyday for hours, we really were getting to know one another and you guessed it another deep emotional affair had begun..but this time was different, 2 months in we decided to meet,the second i saw her we kissed,it was amazing, she was just as i dreamed.we continued on,emailing at crazy levels everyday,talking on the phone and being together if we could, yes we were sleeping together,we had a connection in every facet of the word. but there was no pressure and we both understood we were married and that wasnt going to ever change..this woman sparks me,she makes me feel alive,she gets me,she understands me, i look at her as the woman i should have married, so we continued on and emotinal became physical and emotial became deeper and deeper,we were there for eachother,we told eachother everything and anything, i was able to live my life but i was consumed by this woman, i thought about her all day everyday and craved to be with her...she in turn felt all of the same things and yes of course we fell in love, we began to say i love you and began to at least fantasize what life would be like together.

 

this continued on,we always had remorse and spoke about our spouses,she had alot going on in her marriage but was trying to make it work and i was just living 2 lives, finally last week,she said that she cant do this anymore, it was out of nowhere but not unexpected, she told me that she would never ask me to leave my wife but that she cant do it this way anymore, she said that if we were to be together it had to be the right way,she wanted to be able to hug me in public and be together all the time,she never would tell me if she would leave her husband for me because she said i would never leave my wife so whats the point but i assume she would leave ans she hinted at that.after many emails back and forth she said we need to go our seperate ways and figure this out, she said she dosent want to leave her husband and then end up resenting me, i dont think she beleives i would ever really leave my wife,she wants to work through it and see were it ends up, me on the other hand i fantasize about leaving my wife but i dont know if in the end i could get over the pain or guilt i would cause my wife and children.i am so unhappy

 

it has now been 2 days since we last spoke, i want to write her so badly but i havent,i have a pit in my stomach, i miss her so much, i want to be with her, i know that i can have her but all i have to do is leave my wife and 3 kids,but of course that is not so simple for me or i would have done it already, i have thought about telling my wife that i have been cheating on her and that i love this other woman and that i will take care of her and the children financially, that i will be there for the kids everyday of there lives as i always have been but that i can no longer live this lie, i can no longer forego my happiness for everyone else. but i can picture the hurt in my wife i will cause and my children and i cant do it.i am trying hard to just move forward and live the life i guess i am supposed too..

 

so my question is, am i supposed to just be unhappy but soldier on in this life,i keep repeating the same behaviors so something is wrong,do i leave my wife and kids and go with this woman who makes me happy and i can finally be myself,im walking around in a daze, i feel disconnected from my family life and all i think about is being free,finally being myself,i wonder if this making myself happier would benefit everyone involved..but at the end of the day the guilt and the thoughts of how shocked and devastaed my wife would be are too much for me to handle, yet on the other hand i say, she is living a lie too,i am not anything close to the man she thinks i am, it isisnt fait to her either... i know most here are pro marriage and i will be told to tell my wife about the affair and try to make marriage work, but in all honesty i know myself and if i stay in the marriage i will not tell my wife about the affair but i will just put on the mask and continue to live the lie, i will let a woman that i love walk away to save my wife and children from hurt..but then of course i wonder will this behavior just repeat itself again and will iwake up at 50 and say with even more regrets than i already have..please help me here, i am lost and confused.

Wow, I am on the other side and am walking in your wifes shoes. Let me ask you a few questions have you thought about the holidays without your family? Have you thought about your wife with another man and another man living with your children. I could rant and rave and take all of the anger that I have for my husband out on you but I won't. There is no doubt what ever decision you make you need some serious help. I promise that this issues will continue to arise in any serious relationship you have. Let me tell you this I have been married 15 years and have two beautiful daughters, about 9 months ago I found out that my husband was having an affair for the past four years. When I confronted him he cried and went on about how sorry he was and that he was stuck and did not know how to end the affair due to the fact the OW threatened she would tell me. Once I found out he instantly let her know he was done and why he stayed as long as he did. Anyhow the pain he has caused our family is too much to even explain. I will never see life the same as I did in the past. I have learned how to hate and have felt anger I never knew was possible. Does you wife have any idea who she married and has she ever suspected an affair? I wish I could some how save you wife and children from the pain your choices will bring them. If you choose to stay and get help my advise would be to sit your wife down, tell her what you are dealing with, and let her make her choice as weather to stay or go. Good luck.

[NOTSURE7]

Wow, I am on the other side and am walking in your wifes shoes. Let me ask you a few questions have you thought about the holidays without your family? Have you thought about your wife with another man and another man living with your children. I could rant and rave and take all of the anger that I have for my husband out on you but I won't. There is no doubt what ever decision you make you need some serious help. I promise that this issues will continue to arise in any serious relationship you have. Let me tell you this I have been married 15 years and have two beautiful daughters, about 9 months ago I found out that my husband was having an affair for the past four years. When I confronted him he cried and went on about how sorry he was and that he was stuck and did not know how to end the affair due to the fact the OW threatened she would tell me. Once I found out he instantly let her know he was done and why he stayed as long as he did. Anyhow the pain he has caused our family is too much to even explain. I will never see life the same as I did in the past. I have learned how to hate and have felt anger I never knew was possible. Does you wife have any idea who she married and has she ever suspected an affair? I wish I could some how save you wife and children from the pain your choices will bring them. If you choose to stay and get help my advise would be to sit your wife down, tell her what you are dealing with, and let her make her choice as weather to stay or go. Good luck.

 

i appreciate that you are angry and i dont blame you, i cant imagine that finding out your life is a lie is nothing short of painful, beleive it or not i do have a concience and often do think about the harm i could potentially cause..

 

i think its like anything else,if your getting away with it you dont think too much about it,its only when you face the consequence and you see the damage that you feel the pain..

 

i know what i am doing, but when you have an addictive personality and you do nothing to fix it, everything will keep repeating..

 

currently i am taking a long hard look at myself and i am working to try to be the man i am supposed to be, its a struggle, i am aided by the fact that my ow has decided to work on her marriage and has told me unless im willing to leave my w we will have to go our seperate ways.

 

but i wont lie, i feel a loss and pain and i miss this ow terribly,i know i have to move forward and i am really trying.

 

but in answer to your questions, yes i have thought about all of these things and i guess i think if i stop here that i didnt cause any harm,fortunately this A ended without anyone finding out.

 

i

[stuckinoz]

but in answer to your questions, yes i have thought about all of these things and i guess i think if i stop here that i didnt cause any harm,fortunately this A ended without anyone finding out.

 

i

 

I hope you ran for cover after you posted this..Cuz I'm sure you're going to get a lot of back-lash from this paragraph alone.

I'm not going to ..... But I can hear the others now.

 

All I'll add is........IF it is indeed over & IF you are indeed trying to 'change'...then good for you! I for one do not believe Once a Cheater.

 

A side note too: Right now it's hard thinking about the other woman - But, it does get easier over time & once you throw your energy into your family, you'll see what I mean.

[Owl]

but in answer to your questions, yes i have thought about all of these things and i guess i think if i stop here that i didnt cause any harm,fortunately this A ended without anyone finding out.

 

Like most active WS's, you're (intentionally?) confusing the DISCOVERY of the affair with the damage the affair caused.

 

What you're avoiding is the fact that the affair was a withdraw from your investment in your wife. The time/energy/effort/etc... that you invested in your OW was WITHDRAWN from the time/energy/effort/etc... that you had been investing in your wife.

 

You've already DONE the damage...she just doesn't know it yet.

 

Looking at it the way that you are is a great technique to enable you to tell yourself that it's better not to let her find out...better not to tell...when really, it's only better for YOU.

 

Don't gull yourself into believing that hiding this gaping wound from her is for HER benefit...it's NOT. Its solely and completely for YOUR OWN BENEFIT. You're not doing this out of some noble 'sacrifice' for her benefit...you're doing it to avoid the responsibility for the damage you've done, and avoiding shouldering the TRUE effort to rebuild your marriage.

[NOTSURE7]

I hope you ran for cover after you posted this..Cuz I'm sure you're going to get a lot of back-lash from this paragraph alone.

I'm not going to ..... But I can hear the others now.

 

All I'll add is........IF it is indeed over & IF you are indeed trying to 'change'...then good for you! I for one do not believe Once a Cheater.

 

A side note too: Right now it's hard thinking about the other woman - But, it does get easier over time & once you throw your energy into your family, you'll see what I mean.

 

yes i pretty much have learned that not much i say will be met with too much support, but i am just trying to find my way and get my head clear so i welcome all opinions.

 

i appreciate your input,its nice to read someone who actually beleives that i could have a chance .

 

you are right it really is hard thinking about the ow,im glad you said it gets easier because this sucks,i am doing exactly what you said though and throwing my energy into my family but that feeling just lingers and i need it to go away.

[Owl]

yes i pretty much have learned that not much i say will be met with too much support, but i am just trying to find my way and get my head clear so i welcome all opinions.

 

On the contrary, you were provided with a GREAT DEAL of support initially in your thread. You received advice and input from a huge number of LS's top posters, all giving you pretty much the exact same guidance and advice.

 

What kind of "support" were you looking for, if not guidance on how to repair the damage done, end the cycle, and move forward?

 

What were you HOPING to find here on LS, if this wasn't what you wanted?

 

i appreciate your input,its nice to read someone who actually beleives that i could have a chance .

 

We all believe that you have a chance...but only IF you truly do choose to break the cycle, and take ACTIVE, REAL MEASURES to address the issues and prevent this from happening again and again.

 

But when you've steadfastly ignored that advice from the vast majority of people responding to you...they quickly recognized a situation that they've seen before. Someone who posts SAYING that they want to change...but doesn't appear to have any true INTENTION to.

 

you are right it really is hard thinking about the ow,im glad you said it gets easier because this sucks,i am doing exactly what you said though and throwing my energy into my family but that feeling just lingers and i need it to go away.

[Dexter Morgan]

I hope you ran for cover after you posted this..Cuz I'm sure you're going to get a lot of back-lash from this paragraph alone.

I'm not going to ..... But I can hear the others now.

 

i won't comment on it.

 

but the fact you said what you did indicates that there was something wrong with the message to which you replied.

 

so what do YOU see in that comment he made that you think would get a backlash?

[stuckinoz]

so what do YOU see in that comment he made that you think would get a backlash?

 

but in answer to your questions, yes i have thought about all of these things and i guess i think if i stop here that i didnt cause any harm,fortunately this A ended without anyone finding out.

 

DUH!!!

Because I've read enough here to know that the majority think that the damage is done....people ARE hurt (whether they know it or not) & the fact that he didn't tell his wife ~ again, the majority, believes that the spouse SHOULD be told at ALL COST!.....No matter what!

That's why I made the comment that he should run for cover. (was a tongue in cheek joke of sorts)

I also figured that sentance alone would cause major uproar here.

[bentnotbroken]

DUH!!!

Because I've read enough here to know that the majority think that the damage is done....people ARE hurt (whether they know it or not) & the fact that he didn't tell his wife ~ again, the majority, believes that the spouse SHOULD be told at ALL COST!.....No matter what!

That's why I made the comment that he should run for cover. (was a tongue in cheek joke of sorts)

I also figured that sentance alone would cause major uproar here.

 

 

No uproar here. It is what a coward does. He did exactly as expected. Lie, ignore, deny and deceive. Pretty true to character.

[NOTSURE7]

i have appreciated everything i have been told, i think about it all the time, i wasnt looking for anything but what i received on here at ls. i know any changes have to come through me.

 

ok now i am really getting ready to duck...

 

i know we have been through this but let me ask a hypothetical question.my wife lives a great life,she is well taken care of,i spend mostly all my time with her,my 3 kids are well adjusted,great in school and just nice well mannered children with not a problem in the world,my wife as early as yesterday said she loves her life,loves me and is the happiest person in the world,my kids think we have the most amazing relationship and comment on that all the time, so nothing is amiss here except for me and what i do to keep myself happy and to be able to not break up a family and continue giving my wife and children what they need..yes i get that i am what i am but i dont get why if i am not planning on leaving her then why would i tell her about my past, i just dont see what good it does, i get the part that i am not giving her the chance to have real love etc etc, but in reality she feels she has that in me, i give her everything she needs,i am always there,we soend time together,we talk etc etc..she is not hurt because she dosent know a thing and probably never will...so my question is,why tell her,what good would it really do?

 

i do get that if i plan to break the cycle then having a consequence will help that, but at what cost?..if i was going to leave her then i understand but if i am there,why tell her?

[stuckinoz]

i have appreciated everything i have been told, i think about it all the time, i wasnt looking for anything but what i received on here at ls. i know any changes have to come through me.

 

ok now i am really getting ready to duck...

 

i know we have been through this but let me ask a hypothetical question.my wife lives a great life,she is well taken care of,i spend mostly all my time with her,my 3 kids are well adjusted,great in school and just nice well mannered children with not a problem in the world,my wife as early as yesterday said she loves her life,loves me and is the happiest person in the world,my kids think we have the most amazing relationship and comment on that all the time, so nothing is amiss here except for me and what i do to keep myself happy and to be able to not break up a family and continue giving my wife and children what they need..yes i get that i am what i am but i dont get why if i am not planning on leaving her then why would i tell her about my past, i just dont see what good it does, i get the part that i am not giving her the chance to have real love etc etc, but in reality she feels she has that in me, i give her everything she needs,i am always there,we soend time together,we talk etc etc..she is not hurt because she dosent know a thing and probably never will...so my question is,why tell her,what good would it really do?

 

i do get that if i plan to break the cycle then having a consequence will help that, but at what cost?..if i was going to leave her then i understand but if i am there,why tell her?

 

My opinion - for whatever it's worth - I don't think you should tell her.

I think that by upsetting the apple cart now, after all this time is a bad idea. Nothing good could come from it. NOTHING!

 

BUT......Can you just TRY to be happy??? Stop whining about what YOU THINK YOU DON'T HAVE & focus on what you do have. You speak of your wife & family - always in a very nice way - You say she's happy. Shouldn't that count for something?

As I have said - I do not believe Once A Cheater Always One....IF you make your mind up to NOT go there again.

Only you can make that decision. Can you let the past go? Let it be the past? And move on to the future with your family.

[bentnotbroken]

Nope, he won't let it go. His character won't change. He will be a lying, deceiving, cover his own assets to get by in life. Integrity isn't something you just decide to have, it comes from within. It is clear that whatever is inside him, is only to benefit him and that's why he will remain the way he is until someone or something puts a stop to him. I pray for his family's sake it's sooner rather than later.

 

He has had more than enough time to become a man, he chose not to. A decision he appears to be fully comfortable making.

[NOTSURE7]

My opinion - for whatever it's worth - I don't think you should tell her.

I think that by upsetting the apple cart now, after all this time is a bad idea. Nothing good could come from it. NOTHING!

 

BUT......Can you just TRY to be happy??? Stop whining about what YOU THINK YOU DON'T HAVE & focus on what you do have. You speak of your wife & family - always in a very nice way - You say she's happy. Shouldn't that count for something?

As I have said - I do not believe Once A Cheater Always One....IF you make your mind up to NOT go there again.

Only you can make that decision. Can you let the past go? Let it be the past? And move on to the future with your family.

 

oz- i am trying ,i really am, i know i have alot of wonderful amazing things in my life and i am luckier than many.i really think i am strong enough to stop the cheating if i choose to do so but i wont say its not beyond tough,i have serious addiction problems and apparently i large sense of entitlement.im trying to let it all be in the past.

 

but yes my wife and family are great and i have nothing but nice things to say,i just wanted everyone to know that i put alot of effort and time into my family, i work hard,run my own business,i am home all the time, i dont go out with the boys etc etc but yes i did have an A and i did fall in love with the ow, i am trying to work through it all and do what is right.

[NOTSURE7]

Nope, he won't let it go. His character won't change. He will be a lying, deceiving, cover his own assets to get by in life. Integrity isn't something you just decide to have, it comes from within. It is clear that whatever is inside him, is only to benefit him and that's why he will remain the way he is until someone or something puts a stop to him. I pray for his family's sake it's sooner rather than later.

 

He has had more than enough time to become a man, he chose not to. A decision he appears to be fully comfortable making.

 

bent- you are also not wrong,i agree that without consequences nothing changes, when she caught me gambling i had to and did face the music and made things better and i havent gambled in years.

 

i have had many chances to be a man but i also feel that i am a man,i mean what defines me,my wife and kids are well taken care of,i give them everything they need and more and im not just talking money wise..so why am i not a man?

[confusedinkansas]

bent- you are also not wrong,i agree that without consequences nothing changes, when she caught me gambling i had to and did face the music and made things better and i havent gambled in years.

 

If you kicked the gambling "addiction"...Why is this one sooooo much harder for you to give up?

[Dexter Morgan]

I also figured that sentance alone would cause major uproar here.

 

ya, and its because its obvious that he is glad he got away with it.

[Dexter Morgan]

i know we have been through this but let me ask a hypothetical question.my wife lives a great life,she is well taken care of,i spend mostly all my time with her,my 3 kids are well adjusted,great in school and just nice well mannered children with not a problem in the world,my wife as early as yesterday said she loves her life,loves me and is the happiest person in the world,my kids think we have the most amazing relationship and comment on that all the time, so nothing is amiss here except for me and what i do to keep myself happy and to be able to not break up a family and continue giving my wife and children what they need

 

have your testicles removed...that way the testosterone levels will go down, and your desire to have sex with another woman will also probably go away.

 

I gest of course, but there is some truth to that. If you have to ask yourself basically, "how do I keep from cheating", because thats basically what you just asked....then the only way is for your desires to go away, and the only way to do that would be to cut your nuts out.

 

again, the very fact you have to ask that question is all too telling.

 

question is, why can't you be happy having sex with the same woman for the rest of your life that gave you her life?

 

 

yes i get that i am what i am but i dont get why if i am not planning on leaving her then why would i tell her about my past

 

your past? or you mean what your recent cheating?

 

why would you tell her? you wouldn't. you already stated you are glad nobody found out...hence, you got away with it.

 

You have just learned a very valuable lesson........that you CAN get away with it and that you are more than capable of keeping secrets and lying.

 

so yes, why would you tell?...you got away with it. You are happy about that......you already said you are relieved about that fact.

 

 

i just dont see what good it does, i get the part that i am not giving her the chance to have real love etc etc, but in reality she feels she has that in me, i give her everything she needs,i am always there,we soend time together,we talk etc etc..she is not hurt because she dosent know a thing and probably never will...so my question is,why tell her,what good would it really do?

 

there you have it right there in bold. What she doesn't know won't hurt her....right. Well that line of thinking by you won't change.......the next time either.

 

 

i do get that if i plan to break the cycle then having a consequence will help that, but at what cost?

 

what does it really matter? you are glad you got away with it. enjoy.

 

 

if i was going to leave her then i understand but if i am there,why tell her?

 

that will be a question you can ask yourself the next time it happens.

[NOTSURE7]

If you kicked the gambling "addiction"...Why is this one sooooo much harder for you to give up?

 

 

this one is harder for me do to my feelings for the ow,im not going to lie and say i dont have feelings for her, the A wasnt about sex for me, i enjoyed the connection,i know it sounds cliche and i know you have all heard it before but i really did fall in love with her and my feelings were and are still very real.

 

another reason to be honest is that i kicked the gambling because my W caught me and i suffered a consequence and i saw the damage I caused.i saw the trust i betrayed and she also took over watching all of our money, again dosent make it right but i was able to stop gambling.