All in My Head-Need it out

[bentnotbroken]

bent- you are also not wrong,i agree that without consequences nothing changes, when she caught me gambling i had to and did face the music and made things better and i havent gambled in years.

 

i have had many chances to be a man but i also feel that i am a man,i mean what defines me,my wife and kids are well taken care of,i give them everything they need and more and im not just talking money wise..so why am i not a man?

 

 

Because a man is defined by ALL his actions, not some of them. Character is who we are when no one is looking. What does your character say about you when no one is looking? Are your actions the kind of character traits you want your children to find in a mate? Would you want them married to someone like you? I don't know about you, but I love my children more than I love my own life. One of the things that has helped me control my actions are the thoughts of how my children would view me should they find out the things that I really wanted to do to their father and the ow. That thought is also one of the thoughts that kept me from cheating when I wanted to. When I was being neglected and ignored during my marriage.

 

You believe that your wife is content and happy. Maybe she is, but you know she has based that feeling on a lie. A lie you have built over many years. She lives in a house cards, one shift in any of the lies and it all comes down. You know that you aren't the man she thinks you are. She loves a fantasy, not the person you really are. You won't give her the opportunity to decide to love who you really are because somewhere in you soul you know she will probably walk away from the lie you have built for her. That's not a man. That's someone trying desperately to keep his lies afloat and his own life as unruffled as possible, using the excuse that you are protecting her. Protecting her would have required that you not do things to intentionally hurt her in first place.

 

You should have been the first line of defense in protecting your family from hurts and pain. Yet you chose to be the perpetrator of that hurt and pain. You are the enemy within. Sadly, they can't protect themselves. You can come up with any definition of a man that you think will make you feel comfortable in your own skin, but even you know you wouldn't want your children to marry anyone who would treat them with such disregard, disrespect and dishonesty as you have their mother. Material things don't make up for love, honor, respect and trust. They are nice, but you can't hold them in your heart and they don't give hope in the rough times....they are just pretty to look at.

[NOTSURE7]

ya, and its because its obvious that he is glad he got away with it.

 

i can see my comment about getting away with it has rubbed you wrong, what i meant was if this A is over and if i can somehow stay out of trouble and give my W and kids what they deserve then yes i am glad she didnt find out about it.

 

now on the other hand if i repeat the behaviour and next time i am not so lucky and she finds out well then i will have caused tremendous pain and teken more years of her life from her, but again i say i dont feel she is living a bad life because she has it all in her mind and although i have an A ,my first allegiance is to my W and kids and i always make sure they are taken care of and have my full attention when they need it.

[whichwayisup]

she is not hurt because she dosent know a thing and probably never will...so my question is,why tell her,what good would it really do?

 

Are you willing to continue to live a lie? Yes you may love your wife, but not the way a husband should really love his wife.

 

If you stay, then you won't be happy..Unless you do counseling and fix yourself because in a year or even 3 years, you're going to feel something is still missing and you'll end up cheating on her again.

 

I'm still not sure you're really ready to put any change into actions. You're too caught up in hurting your wife by being honest. And with that, you hurt yourself more by staying married to someone that you know deep down isn't the one for you.

 

COUNSELLING! Have you made the call yet?

[NOTSURE7]

Because a man is defined by ALL his actions, not some of them. Character is who we are when no one is looking. What does your character say about you when no one is looking? Are your actions the kind of character traits you want your children to find in a mate? Would you want them married to someone like you? I don't know about you, but I love my children more than I love my own life. One of the things that has helped me control my actions are the thoughts of how my children would view me should they find out the things that I really wanted to do to their father and the ow. That thought is also one of the thoughts that kept me from cheating when I wanted to. When I was being neglected and ignored during my marriage.

 

You believe that your wife is content and happy. Maybe she is, but you know she has based that feeling on a lie. A lie you have built over many years. She lives in a house cards, one shift in any of the lies and it all comes down. You know that you aren't the man she thinks you are. She loves a fantasy, not the person you really are. You won't give her the opportunity to decide to love who you really are because somewhere in you soul you know she will probably walk away from the lie you have built for her. That's not a man. That's someone trying desperately to keep his lies afloat and his own life as unruffled as possible, using the excuse that you are protecting her. Protecting her would have required that you not do things to intentionally hurt her in first place.

 

You should have been the first line of defense in protecting your family from hurts and pain. Yet you chose to be the perpetrator of that hurt and pain. You are the enemy within. Sadly, they can't protect themselves. You can come up with any definition of a man that you think will make you feel comfortable in your own skin, but even you know you wouldn't want your children to marry anyone who would treat them with such disregard, disrespect and dishonesty as you have their mother. Material things don't make up for love, honor, respect and trust. They are nice, but you can't hold them in your heart and they don't give hope in the rough times....they are just pretty to look at.

 

wow this was very well written, thank you for that, i am going to keep rereading that and yes i agree i wouldnt want that for my children.

[Reggie]

I think hiding ths stuff cause it to fester , and, internally work on your psyche. Some folks can compartmentalize this and function. But, in the still of the night, it revisits them.

[NOTSURE7]

I think hiding ths stuff cause it to fester , and, internally work on your psyche. Some folks can compartmentalize this and function. But, in the still of the night, it revisits them.

 

oh beleive me in the still of the night and day and every hour it visits me.

[Dexter Morgan]

now on the other hand if i repeat the behaviour and next time i am not so lucky and she finds out well then i will have caused tremendous pain and teken more years of her life from her, but again i say i dont feel she is living a bad life

 

so because she knows nothing, getting away with the affair is a good consequence for you?

 

 

because she has it all in her mind and although i have an A ,my first allegiance is to my W and kids and i always make sure they are taken care of and have my full attention when they need it.

 

that statement above explains how this won't be the last time you will cheat on her.

[NOTSURE7]

I think hiding ths stuff cause it to fester , and, internally work on your psyche. Some folks can compartmentalize this and function. But, in the still of the night, it revisits them.

 

Are you willing to continue to live a lie? Yes you may love your wife, but not the way a husband should really love his wife.

 

If you stay, then you won't be happy..Unless you do counseling and fix yourself because in a year or even 3 years, you're going to feel something is still missing and you'll end up cheating on her again.

 

I'm still not sure you're really ready to put any change into actions. You're too caught up in hurting your wife by being honest. And with that, you hurt yourself more by staying married to someone that you know deep down isn't the one for you.

 

COUNSELLING! Have you made the call yet?

 

i dont want to live a lie, i really dont. yes i love my wife but you are right that this is no way to love your wife because as bent said its a house of cards and one false move by me will bring it down, i have been lying and hiding my whole marriage and it has become commonplace but of course i am not infalliable to a mistake and that mistake could be very costly.

 

i am very caught up in not hurting her by being honest, its amazing to me that i can hurt her everyday by putting myself into situations that if found out by her will hurt more than ever but i guess again since she dosent know and i give her all the love she needs that i fell like its ok but again i know im justifying that for selfish reasons..

 

you are probably right that if i dont break the cycle it will fester and even if i dont chaet for years the problem and the feeling wont go away.

 

i havent called yet

[whichwayisup]

i havent called yet

 

Don't let fear stop you from making that call.

[NOTSURE7]

so because she knows nothing, getting away with the affair is a good consequence for you?

 

 

 

 

that statement above explains how this won't be the last time you will cheat on her.

 

 

no getting away with the affair is not a consequence, i am only thinking about things because i am working through my feelings for the ow and in turn what i am doing to my w and family.

[NOTSURE7]

Don't let fear stop you from making that call.

 

fear keeps me from everything and i just keep on living my days with so many things in my head, i opened up a bit to my W the other night but of course stopped short of telling her anything that will help change me.

[whichwayisup]

I really am going to keep on bugging you until you make the call. I wish you'd see that if you did go talk to someone about this, they can and will help you. Give you the strength and tools so you can talk to your wife.

[PhoenixRise]

oz- i am trying ,i really am, i know i have alot of wonderful amazing things in my life and i am luckier than many.i really think i am strong enough to stop the cheating if i choose to do so but i wont say its not beyond tough,i have serious addiction problems and apparently i large sense of entitlement.im trying to let it all be in the past.

 

but yes my wife and family are great and i have nothing but nice things to say,i just wanted everyone to know that i put alot of effort and time into my family, i work hard,run my own business,i am home all the time, i dont go out with the boys etc etc but yes i did have an A and i did fall in love with the ow, i am trying to work through it all and do what is right.

 

 

NO.

 

According to you, you have had MULTIPLE affairs and have had deep feelings for more than one of your OW.

 

You don't get to say here everyone look at all the good stuff I do and all the horrible things I do don't matter.

 

AND If this latest OW resurfaced and wanted to resume her relationship with you, what would you do?

 

I suspect you would pick up the affair in a heartbeat because you have not gained any integrity because you are still too busy looking for excuses to justify your continued lies.

[NOTSURE7]

I really am going to keep on bugging you until you make the call. I wish you'd see that if you did go talk to someone about this, they can and will help you. Give you the strength and tools so you can talk to your wife.

 

which- i appreciate your support, i really do, i know i need the strength and i realize that the problem will not go away,

 

i am not reckless in my pursuit and this ow was the perfect situation for me and i know as time passes that if i can somehow stay away from her that i will get over her but as soon as that next perfect situation arises i will have a hard time saying no,

 

so you are right i need someone to give me the strength and motivation to get this out of my head and into real life.

[PhoenixRise]

Because a man is defined by ALL his actions, not some of them. Character is who we are when no one is looking. What does your character say about you when no one is looking? Are your actions the kind of character traits you want your children to find in a mate? Would you want them married to someone like you? I don't know about you, but I love my children more than I love my own life. One of the things that has helped me control my actions are the thoughts of how my children would view me should they find out the things that I really wanted to do to their father and the ow. That thought is also one of the thoughts that kept me from cheating when I wanted to. When I was being neglected and ignored during my marriage.

 

You believe that your wife is content and happy. Maybe she is, but you know she has based that feeling on a lie. A lie you have built over many years. She lives in a house cards, one shift in any of the lies and it all comes down. You know that you aren't the man she thinks you are. She loves a fantasy, not the person you really are. You won't give her the opportunity to decide to love who you really are because somewhere in you soul you know she will probably walk away from the lie you have built for her. That's not a man. That's someone trying desperately to keep his lies afloat and his own life as unruffled as possible, using the excuse that you are protecting her. Protecting her would have required that you not do things to intentionally hurt her in first place.

 

You should have been the first line of defense in protecting your family from hurts and pain. Yet you chose to be the perpetrator of that hurt and pain. You are the enemy within. Sadly, they can't protect themselves. You can come up with any definition of a man that you think will make you feel comfortable in your own skin, but even you know you wouldn't want your children to marry anyone who would treat them with such disregard, disrespect and dishonesty as you have their mother. Material things don't make up for love, honor, respect and trust. They are nice, but you can't hold them in your heart and they don't give hope in the rough times....they are just pretty to look at.

 

 

Bravo Bent.

 

Excellent Excellent Post

[NOTSURE7]

NO.

 

According to you, you have had MULTIPLE affairs and have had deep feelings for more than one of your OW.

 

You don't get to say here everyone look at all the good stuff I do and all the horrible things I do don't matter.

 

AND If this latest OW resurfaced and wanted to resume her relationship with you, what would you do?

 

I suspect you would pick up the affair in a heartbeat because you have not gained any integrity because you are still too busy looking for excuses to justify your continued lies.

 

you are 100% right, i had feelings for another ow before this one, but they were different and i never even entertained leaving my W for that woman.

 

i know my good stuff dosent outweigh what ive done and continue to do but i wanted to point out that i am not a total loss.

 

i am being honest as i always have been here..the latest ow is not yet fully gone, i have not seen her in 3 weeks but we do continue to talk by email so yes you are most likely right that i would pick the A up in a heartbeat.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

what i do to keep myself happy and to be able to not break up a family and continue giving my wife and children what they need..yes i get that i am what i am but i dont get why if i am not planning on leaving her then why would i tell her about my past, i just dont see what good it does, i get the part that i am not giving her the chance to have real love etc etc, but in reality she feels she has that in me, i give her everything she needs,i am always there,we soend time together,we talk etc etc..she is not hurt because she dosent know a thing and probably never will...so my question is,why tell her,what good would it really do?

Your wife and family should be happy with the good life that you provide and the time that you bestow on them. You on the other hand are not made personally happy by that yourself.

 

Why? How much of who you are is a need to provide for your family and to attend to your duties (as you see them) as a husband and father? Obviously a significant amount if you won't leave to make yourself happy and give them a chance at having something "real".

 

How important is the feeling to you that YOU are making them happy? If you tell her then she will know that she isn't able to make you happy, that you need more. Then, my friend the fantasy is broken.

 

I don't believe that it is her lifestyle that makes her happy anymore than you do... if that were the case, you could be as honest with her as you are with us. You are honestly lying to yourself as much as you are lying to your family. Its a fragile thread to build your life around.

 

The truth of her reality will knock her to the ground. She will be devistated when she finds out that her "happiness" was all an illusion created by you. That "she" wasn't really ever able to be a wife to you in the truest sense but simply a "responsibility" that met only your need to appear to be a great husband, provider, and dad.

 

Unless you could be happy with her pretending to go along with your fantasy, seeing you and appreciating you as only a provider, but not as a lover or true partner, then DO NOT tell her. Just find your way to ending the charade (divorce), eventually, everyone will be happy.

 

Unless, ofcourse, that "false impression" of the wonderful family man is too important in who you want to appear to be. Even if you are the only person who knows, you can't EVER have it both ways, you will never feel wholey happy because you will always know your living a lie. Thats about you, not your family.

 

No need to tell, IMO, just let her go so you can find someway to integrate those parts of yourself, that as a married person, you could never really do.

 

She'll live, your kids will be fine, and you can find your happiness.

[PhoenixRise]

you are 100% right, i had feelings for another ow before this one, but they were different and i never even entertained leaving my W for that woman.

 

i know my good stuff dosent outweigh what ive done and continue to do but i wanted to point out that i am not a total loss.

 

i am being honest as i always have been here..the latest ow is not yet fully gone, i have not seen her in 3 weeks but we do continue to talk by email so yes you are most likely right that i would pick the A up in a heartbeat.

 

 

If you are still in contact with the OW then you are STILL nurturing an emotional relationship with another woman and the affair is STILL ongoing. You just stopped having sex.

 

You know it is really sad that you come here and post about how you want to protect your wife from the truth about you and this illusion you have her living, but you WON'T protect her by being faithful and making the illusion into a reality.

 

Your protection is all for yourself.

[Dexter Morgan]

fear keeps me from everything

 

well, maybe you need to have the fear of losing your comfortable lifestyle to keep you from cheating. You wonder how you will be able to refrain from it...its either the threat of losing everything, or again, cutting your nuts out.

 

Because maybe the only thing that will keep you from cheating is the fear of losing money, your kids on a daily basis, 1/2 your retirement, 1/2 your business, a wife that someone else deserves and that deserves someone else....etc.

 

and right now, you don't have that fear because you got away with it.

[Angel1111]

I think you're addicted to affairs for the same reason you're addicted to gambling. They both give you a thrill and, every now and then, you manage to convince yourself that this time it's real, this is the big one. I think you picked a woman (your wife) who was so opposite from you because it gives you a way to rationalize your behavior.

 

I usually tell miserable people to leave their miserable marriages once it becomes clear that things can't be worked out. But, seriously, you're lucky to have what you have. Think about your life 20 or 30 yrs from now. Is all this going to be that important? Would it be possible for you to learn to cherish what you have and be happy with that?

 

You don't know how valuable a spouse and children are. They are everything, really. But maybe you do know that and that's why you haven't left your marriage. But the truth is, you're toying with danger by having these affairs and gambling. I'm more inclined to say that you have some very deep problems and need to work them out before you completely ruin your life. I also believe that way too much importance is put on romance. If you once loved your wife, you can love her again. Just because she's your opposite, doesn't mean that you can't appreciate her for who she is.

 

You have a life with someone right now - I hope you don't turn around someday looking back at it, full of regret. You will not be able to fix it then. Regret is a horrible thing. Be very careful with continuing these games you're playing. Not only will you hurt others, your life can end up in shambles. This is not funny.

[confusedinkansas]

I really am going to keep on bugging you until you make the call. I wish you'd see that if you did go talk to someone about this, they can and will help you. Give you the strength and tools so you can talk to your wife.

 

Seems to me that you're going to let people you don't know & that don't know your entire situation bully you into telling her. I understand people come to LS for advice, support, words of encouragement as well as the bashing that comes along with it.

But I guess that for people to become bully's...& say they will bug you until you SAY THE RIGHT THING & or DO THE RIGHT THING.......Very interesting, I find this.

 

which- i appreciate your support, i really do, i know i need the strength and i realize that the problem will not go away,

 

It also seems to me that you have everyone here convinced you are 100% going to do this again! You're here to ask for help & yet you ARE planning to do it again--is that REALLY the case?.........Hmm..... Makes for a good topic of conversation though.

[pollswolls]

I'm sure someone along the way in this thread has asked this question - But, what if the TABLES WERE TURNED? What if it were she that was the one out there doing the cheating - 1st of all, would you want to know & 2ndly, would that be ok with you - as long as she gave you 100% of her attention while you were both at home?

[PhoenixRise]

Seems to me that you're going to let people you don't know & that don't know your entire situation bully you into telling her. I understand people come to LS for advice, support, words of encouragement as well as the bashing that comes along with it.

But I guess that for people to become bully's...& say they will bug you until you SAY THE RIGHT THING & or DO THE RIGHT THING.......Very interesting, I find this.

 

 

 

It also seems to me that you have everyone here convinced you are 100% going to do this again! You're here to ask for help & yet you ARE planning to do it again--is that REALLY the case?.........Hmm..... Makes for a good topic of conversation though.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by NOTSURE7

you are 100% right, i had feelings for another ow before this one, but they were different and i never even entertained leaving my W for that woman.

 

i know my good stuff dosent outweigh what ive done and continue to do but i wanted to point out that i am not a total loss.

 

i am being honest as i always have been here..the latest ow is not yet fully gone, i have not seen her in 3 weeks but we do continue to talk by email so yes you are most likely right that i would pick the A up in a heartbeat.

 

 

If you are still in contact with the OW then you are STILL nurturing an emotional relationship with another woman and the affair is STILL ongoing. You just stopped having sex.

 

You know it is really sad that you come here and post about how you want to protect your wife from the truth about you and this illusion you have her living, but you WON'T protect her by being faithful and making the illusion into a reality.

 

Your protection is all for yourself.

[.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He has stated himself that if the OW WANTED to resume their relationship he would continue the affair and that he is still in contact with her. No one is convincing him of this. He said it.

 

This is not some one time "mistake" he says he has had MULTIPLE affairs and that he has always known his wife is not the one for him.

 

Don't you think his wife should know this?

[NOTSURE7]

what i do to keep myself happy and to be able to not break up a family and continue giving my wife and children what they need..yes i get that i am what i am but i dont get why if i am not planning on leaving her then why would i tell her about my past, i just dont see what good it does, i get the part that i am not giving her the chance to have real love etc etc, but in reality she feels she has that in me, i give her everything she needs,i am always there,we soend time together,we talk etc etc..she is not hurt because she dosent know a thing and probably never will...so my question is,why tell her,what good would it really do?

 

Your wife and family should be happy with the good life that you provide and the time that you bestow on them. You on the other hand are not made personally happy by that yourself.

 

Why? How much of who you are is a need to provide for your family and to attend to your duties (as you see them) as a husband and father? Obviously a significant amount if you won't leave to make yourself happy and give them a chance at having something "real".

 

How important is the feeling to you that YOU are making them happy? If you tell her then she will know that she isn't able to make you happy, that you need more. Then, my friend the fantasy is broken.

 

I don't believe that it is her lifestyle that makes her happy anymore than you do... if that were the case, you could be as honest with her as you are with us. You are honestly lying to yourself as much as you are lying to your family. Its a fragile thread to build your life around.

 

The truth of her reality will knock her to the ground. She will be devistated when she finds out that her "happiness" was all an illusion created by you. That "she" wasn't really ever able to be a wife to you in the truest sense but simply a "responsibility" that met only your need to appear to be a great husband, provider, and dad.

 

Unless you could be happy with her pretending to go along with your fantasy, seeing you and appreciating you as only a provider, but not as a lover or true partner, then DO NOT tell her. Just find your way to ending the charade (divorce), eventually, everyone will be happy.

 

Unless, ofcourse, that "false impression" of the wonderful family man is too important in who you want to appear to be. Even if you are the only person who knows, you can't EVER have it both ways, you will never feel wholey happy because you will always know your living a lie. Thats about you, not your family.

 

No need to tell, IMO, just let her go so you can find someway to integrate those parts of yourself, that as a married person, you could never really do.

 

She'll live, your kids will be fine, and you can find your happiness.

 

its not about the impression or what i look like to the outside world, this may sound strange but i truly enjoy being a husband and a father and taking care of my wife and kids.

[NOTSURE7]

If you are still in contact with the OW then you are STILL nurturing an emotional relationship with another woman and the affair is STILL ongoing. You just stopped having sex.

 

You know it is really sad that you come here and post about how you want to protect your wife from the truth about you and this illusion you have her living, but you WON'T protect her by being faithful and making the illusion into a reality.

 

Your protection is all for yourself.

 

you are correct and i am working on trying to end it, its not so easy and i do know its the only way to get over her and move on.

 

i dont disagree that i have many issues within myself that need to be fixed long before i can make anyone else happy.