All in My Head-Need it out

[NOTSURE7]

thanks owl...i guess either way its a win win situation and she will at least know who she is married too and if we dont survive at least i know that she knows the real me and maybe i can finally find some peace, happiness i am not sure about but at least some peace.

[Dexter Morgan]

ok, i am back and still searching for the answers, so i am going to go at this a different way now.

 

just an update, after we tried nc, me and mw we were back together yesterday

 

oh gee, there is a surprise:rolleyes: hows that no consequences thing workin for ya?

 

 

 

it may only be this once

 

no, it will be again....if not with MW, with someone else in the future.

 

 

but again it was easy and all the feelings came right back again.so i have taken no positive steps in any direction.

 

thats because you aren't facing losing your comfortable lifestyle and family life.

 

 

 

so i am going to ask this question as i still search for the right thing to do,

 

if i tell my W,can anyone give me a good way to tell her?

 

you just tell her. Sit her down and first tell her that she(even though it may not be true) is the most important thing in the world to you as well as your kids. and proceed to tell her that "what I'm about to tell you" so that she knows you want to come clean and are truly wanting to keep the marriage. (again, old Dex here thinks that is all bulls##t, but you asked for a way to tell her, and I'm giving it to you).

 

 

although i realize its the right thing to do and that i am robbing her of her life by letting her think she is living in a perfect world...i worry not only about the devastation i will cause her but also the fact the kids will be dragged into it because she will cry and they will see

 

well if you don't want to tell her, then why in the f##k are you still hooking up with the MW? someone needs to slap you upside the head!

 

 

 

i also worry about the fact that even know i have done all this and have basically lived a complete lie that she will beg me not to leave and the guilt will again keep me there

 

who are you talking about here? the MW? if so, then you tell the MW that it is over, that you have told your wife, and that if she continues, that you will give your wife ALL the information regarding her...phone numbers, email accounts....everything.

 

 

i worry if she will be ok and if the kids will survive, i do love her and want her to be happy, i enjoy taking care of her but right now i dont feel that i am connected

 

and you never will feel connected as long as you have a desire to bone other women. MAN THE F##K UP!!!!!

 

If you don't tell your wife, then just STOP seeing this woman, or any other woman!! MAN UP!! (even though I believe you will keep running to this MW, or another woman in the future if you aren't facing losing your family over this)

 

Or man up, sit her down and just say it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Other than that...be ready to devote ALL of your resources to dealing with the storm that will occur. Be ready to agree to NC with OW...heck...be ready to agree to pretty much ANY restriction your wife places on you.

 

very well said.

 

restrictions put on a cheating spouse by a BS are seen by some, usually cheaters and OM/OW themselves, as controlling.

 

not the case at all. its called expecting a spouse to act like a spouse and if a spouse has proven they can't be trusted in certain situations, then the way to gain back trust, if possible, is to cease all suspicious activities.

 

expect her anger....take any verbal lashing that come your way in the must humble manner and with the sense of humility learned.

 

if she decides to try to forgive and work on the marriage, she may throw your cheating in your face from time to time for a while...maybe as long as a year.......but you just take it, because frankly, you deserve it. its part of the consequences of your betrayal.

 

also in weathering the storm that is coming, you are to be an open book. If she asks you where you are going, you tell her, and if she expects you home at a certain time, you damn well better be there. You are to leave nothing to her imagination to make her suspicious of you.

[NOTSURE7]

dex- i appreciate your no nonsense response...

 

i wasnt talking at all about the ow, everything i mentioned was about my w.

 

i dont know that i can man up without telling my W and coming clean, i have tried this and its not going anywhere.

 

i agree that if i dont tell my w or face some sort of consequence that although it may not happen right away that i will be either running to this ow or another woman in the future.

 

i am really feeling like i need to release this and let the cards fall were they may, even if i man up and stop seeing this current ow i am being honest and i am not sure i can get this out of my head or stop myself from repeating this again and again.

[Dexter Morgan]

i dont know that i can man up without telling my W and coming clean, i have tried this and its not going anywhere.

 

which is exactly what I already knew.

 

so since you have admitted it, then there is only one thing you can do IF you want to stop cheating(if thats truly possible), and that is to face the consequences and tell your wife. You have just admitted this in your own words.

 

 

i agree that if i dont tell my w or face some sort of consequence that although it may not happen right away that i will be either running to this ow or another woman in the future.

 

i am really feeling like i need to release this and let the cards fall were they may, even if i man up and stop seeing this current ow i am being honest and i am not sure i can get this out of my head or stop myself from repeating this again and again.

 

then do it......tell her tonight.

[bentnotbroken]

How about using a counselor, minister, or someone else you trust as a mediator.

[NOTSURE7]

very well said.

 

restrictions put on a cheating spouse by a BS are seen by some, usually cheaters and OM/OW themselves, as controlling.

 

not the case at all. its called expecting a spouse to act like a spouse and if a spouse has proven they can't be trusted in certain situations, then the way to gain back trust, if possible, is to cease all suspicious activities.

 

expect her anger....take any verbal lashing that come your way in the must humble manner and with the sense of humility learned.

 

if she decides to try to forgive and work on the marriage, she may throw your cheating in your face from time to time for a while...maybe as long as a year.......but you just take it, because frankly, you deserve it. its part of the consequences of your betrayal.

 

also in weathering the storm that is coming, you are to be an open book. If she asks you where you are going, you tell her, and if she expects you home at a certain time, you damn well better be there. You are to leave nothing to her imagination to make her suspicious of you.

 

i understand what weathering the storm would be like, i have actually weathered one storm already when she caught me gambling, but to be honest that is a worry of mine, i am not sure i can weather the severe storm that will follow my admissions.my life will be a living hell and i know i need to prepare for that, i think this is one reasin why i am so reluctant to tell her

 

i know you will say tough,you deserve it and yes i do but im being honest that i am not sure i can weather this storm as i already feel like i live in a box and i am not sure i can handle this no matter what is at stake, this is why i have weighed telling her or not telling her..

 

if i tell her,she will still cry, will still be devastated the kids will still ask and wonder etc etc so i am trying to see what the difference will be,other than my clear concience and her having the chance to decide.

[NOTSURE7]

another quick question i would like opinions on, if i am coming clean about this ow and this A do i tell her everything in my past too, about the other Ea and the time when we first got married, do i completely come clean or just keep it about this A..also do i tell her that i fell in love with this ow and told her i loved her, im trying to get a gauge on how far i should go.

 

i know it makes no difference because the devastation will be done anyway but i was curious of your thoughts.

[MistyK]

i often think about just getting myself caught but then i quickly say well if i am not leaving why would i want to tell her and ruin her peprfect little world but in reality if she knew she would know its not a perfect world but a lie, see i dont think i could leave the M without giving her the reason why, i think i would need to reveal all and get a fresh start, i guess i also worry that she will draw the 3 kids in and also that eventhough i have done so many things to her she would beg me to stay and the guilt will again keep me there.

 

Take a deep breath here. I almost wish I could put you in touch with my xMM, reading this is like listening to him talk (sans the gambling issue).

 

Ok, First of all - you feel guilty for lying to her, but you also would feel guilty for causing her the pain truth would provide. This logic is keeping you paralyzed, and justifying you doing nothing. Ultimately consider how much more you disrespect you W by not giving her the freedom to decide what she wants by keeping her living in the lie with you. Does she not deserve to be loved for real - if not by you then someone else? If you have any intention of working it out, you have to tell her the truth and be prepapred to change for real. To be honest though, it doesn't sound like you think you can be in love with her that way or really want to work it out. it sounds more like you're thinking of staying simply because your sense of duty says you should.

 

2nd- You're probably correct that she'll beg you to stay. That's often the 1st reaction of Bw's. She will likely go back and forth over many months between wanting you to stay and wanting to kick you out (based on my xMM's BW) - it's a mirror of your own indecisive flip-flopping. Again, unless you are sure you want to work it out with her, say nothing. The waffling is so much worse than just making a clean break one way or the other. Decide, then act.

 

3rd - If you choose to leave -Telling your W the truth simply to relieve your own guilt isn't a good reason. It's hurtful and completely unneccessary if you are leaving.

 

4th- No woman wants her H to stay out of guilt or obligation, or the classic "the kids". It isn't fair for you to use this as a reason to stay! It sounds like you feel that deep down you will be unhappy/unfulfilled if you stay with your W but that you figure it might be better to have that unhappiness than to live with the guilt of breaking up the family. Don't kid yourself that your wife is ecstaticly happy right now. Don't try to be a martyr here, you will have done it for nothing.

 

5- since you're still in contact with the MW and can't seem to stay away from her, it sounds like you made your choice. Having an OW in your life prevents you from working out your marriage. Chances are, you won't end up with her (since she's M too). But, you have some valuable information as to what you are and aren't willing to give up - you just don't seem that "in" to saving your M.

 

IC can be really helpful if you invest yourself in it. Don't stay away because you are afraid the therapist will tell you to stay with your W and rip you up on moral grounds. That just isn't the case, as my long-delaying xMM finally discovered.

[Dexter Morgan]

another quick question i would like opinions on, if i am coming clean about this ow and this A do i tell her everything in my past too, about the other Ea and the time when we first got married, do i completely come clean or just keep it about this A

 

that is up to you. the purpose of telling about this A is to get your wife to be the catalyst in making you stop cheating....in giving her the power to decide whether you are to be forgiven, or to be kicked out of the house. And if forgiven, she will be on you like a prison guard for a while. If you don't stay on the straight and narrow, since now she'll know you are a cheater, then she more than likely WILL divorce you, take the kids, get child support, half the marital assets and retirement that you have accumulated.

 

as far as telling her about the other affairs, it might be good because that will double her resolve....but I think coming clean about this one is enough.

 

 

..also do i tell her that i fell in love with this ow and told her i loved her, im trying to get a gauge on how far i should go.

 

if thats the truth, then yes, you tell her.

[MistyK]

another quick question i would like opinions on, if i am coming clean about this ow and this A do i tell her everything in my past too, about the other Ea and the time when we first got married, do i completely come clean or just keep it about this A..also do i tell her that i fell in love with this ow and told her i loved her, im trying to get a gauge on how far i should go.

 

i know it makes no difference because the devastation will be done anyway but i was curious of your thoughts.

 

You do not have to tell your spouse everything, but you do have to tell the truth about what you do decide to share. She will ask if this is the only affair and she will certainly ask about your feelings toward OW. And since you decided to share your infidelity with her, you really should get it all out. It does make a difference, she'll be able to tell if you are holding back. This trickling of info thing at MM do makes it that much harder for the BW to trust them again, so you're better off being up front, IMO.

[NOTSURE7]

3rd - If you choose to leave -Telling your W the truth simply to relieve your own guilt isn't a good reason. It's hurtful and completely unneccessary if you are leaving.

 

thanks misty- but the problem with me is that if i decide i want to leave the reasons i have all have to do with myself and the fact that i do the things i do, so how do i leave without really telling her why, yes it will be hurtful but wouldnt it take away all of her guessing and doubting and wondering?

[NOTSURE7]

You do not have to tell your spouse everything, but you do have to tell the truth about what you do decide to share. She will ask if this is the only affair and she will certainly ask about your feelings toward OW. And since you decided to share your infidelity with her, you really should get it all out. It does make a difference, she'll be able to tell if you are holding back. This trickling of info thing at MM do makes it that much harder for the BW to trust them again, so you're better off being up front, IMO.

 

if i tell her , i will tell her everything, i will not play the trickling out game because from the first thing out of my mouth she will be crying and devastated so why hold back at that point,it does no good

[MistyK]

3rd - If you choose to leave -Telling your W the truth simply to relieve your own guilt isn't a good reason. It's hurtful and completely unneccessary if you are leaving.

 

thanks misty- but the problem with me is that if i decide i want to leave the reasons i have all have to do with myself and the fact that i do the things i do, so how do i leave without really telling her why, yes it will be hurtful but wouldnt it take away all of her guessing and doubting and wondering?

 

Ok, so maybe I misread you. If your marriage is otherwise perfect, and you really have no reasons to leave that concern the marriage itself, then you probably shouldn't leave. But thast's not what you meant is it? What do you mean - what are your reasons to leave, aside from OW? Just because your reasons are your own and not because your wife is inadequate or something, doesn't make them less legit. What are your reasons?

[MistyK]

if i tell her , i will tell her everything, i will not play the trickling out game because from the first thing out of my mouth she will be crying and devastated so why hold back at that point,it does no good

 

That is precisely why so many MM do it. At the first sign of blood, they flee. But being honest and courageous is worth it. It gives youa basis for trust later.

[pollswolls]

Seems to me after reading all of this that you don't have any intention on stopping - either with the current girlfriend or with anyone else for that matter. The fact that you went back to the other woman so quickly - just shows that your priorities are with her.

What happens if you tell your wife & you decide to not leave? What if your wife decides she doesn't want you to leave & she wants to work on whatever issues there may be (that she is obviously oblivious to)

You keep saying here if you tell her - or get caught (poor excuse - chicken's way out) - it'll make you stop.

Personally, I doubt it. I'm not accusing you of being a serial cheater - but it seems this other woman has quite a grip on your go-nads.

I guess this means the other woman is done trying to work her marriage out as well?:confused:

[PhoenixRise]

i understand what weathering the storm would be like, i have actually weathered one storm already when she caught me gambling, but to be honest that is a worry of mine, i am not sure i can weather the severe storm that will follow my admissions.my life will be a living hell and i know i need to prepare for that, i think this is one reasin why i am so reluctant to tell her

 

i know you will say tough,you deserve it and yes i do but im being honest that i am not sure i can weather this storm as i already feel like i live in a box and i am not sure i can handle this no matter what is at stake, this is why i have weighed telling her or not telling her..

 

if i tell her,she will still cry, will still be devastated the kids will still ask and wonder etc etc so i am trying to see what the difference will be,other than my clear concience and her having the chance to decide.

 

 

Are you wanting to tell her so you can leave her to be the the OW?

 

OR

 

Are you wanting to tell her so you can rebuild the marriage?

 

 

I've gotta say, if you don't think your wife and marriage are worth the trouble you will have to face and the living hell that your life will be while you guys are working on the marriage then just let her go.

 

In fact, if you don't want the marriage, just pull the bandage off quickly. Make arraingements for you to move out of the home, then tell her that you have had multiple affairs and that you want to leave the marriage. Then pack a bag and go.

 

There is no way to avoid the fact that she will be hurt. There is nothing you can do that will mitigate her pain. There is no way for you to come out of this looking like the good guy. Just accept this.

 

She may initially ask you to stay to work on things or to try counseling. She will probaly want to keep her life and your kids lives as normalized as possible. But if you don't want the marriage, it would be kinder to make that very clear to her, don't give her hope that talking things through or counseling will change your mind. Don't allow her to blame herself at all. Tell her that YOU, because of your own issues, can not be faithful to her and you know she deserves better.

 

 

Getting the kids out of the house for the day is a good idea.

[MistyK]

Seems to me after reading all of this that you don't have any intention on stopping - either with the current girlfriend or with anyone else for that matter. The fact that you went back to the other woman so quickly - just shows that your priorities are with her.

What happens if you tell your wife & you decide to not leave? What if your wife decides she doesn't want you to leave & she wants to work on whatever issues there may be (that she is obviously oblivious to)

You keep saying here if you tell her - or get caught (poor excuse - chicken's way out) - it'll make you stop.

Personally, I doubt it. I'm not accusing you of being a serial cheater - but it seems this other woman has quite a grip on your go-nads.

I guess this means the other woman is done trying to work her marriage out as well?:confused:

 

Yeah. Shedding light on the truth won't make you stop or help you decide, NS7. That's why you have to decide, then act accordingly. And it needs to be ASAP for everyone involved. As I said before my xMM tried to take the "chicken's way out" but it didn't work. So there he was going to MC with his W and having sex with me when he got home. Neither your W nor your OW can "make" you stop. You have to actively choose. If it blows up in your face, you may well lose the opportunity to choose, so it's in your interest to decide fast. Decide with ALL your heart, then act.

[65tr6]

another quick question i would like opinions on, if i am coming clean about this ow and this A do i tell her everything in my past too, about the other Ea and the time when we first got married, do i completely come clean or just keep it about this A..also do i tell her that i fell in love with this ow and told her i loved her, im trying to get a gauge on how far i should go.

 

i know it makes no difference because the devastation will be done anyway but i was curious of your thoughts.

 

NS, you tell her the facts, the truth about everything. Do not share your "editorials" with her. Because you dont know if that is correct. What you think is right today may not be the case 3 months from now.

 

By the way, kudos to you to for considering coming clean with your wife. Hope you follow up.

 

Just lay the facts out there.

 

Answer any questions she may have. Do not hold back. Do not sugar coat.

 

Yes you tell her everything. You will be amazed what comes out when you start talking.

[Owl]

Yeah. Shedding light on the truth won't make you stop or help you decide, NS7. That's why you have to decide, then act accordingly. And it needs to be ASAP for everyone involved. As I said before my xMM tried to take the "chicken's way out" but it didn't work. So there he was going to MC with his W and having sex with me when he got home. Neither your W nor your OW can "make" you stop. You have to actively choose. If it blows up in your face, you may well lose the opportunity to choose, so it's in your interest to decide fast. Decide with ALL your heart, then act.

 

I disagree BIG TIME.

 

Telling his wife is the ONLY way he's going to change his ways. He's tried it "on his own" many times in the past, with absolutely no success.

 

If he TRULY stands to lose his wife if he continues his behavior, and he knows that she's now on guard to watch for his behavior...he'll either change or lose her.

 

Having her act as an "accountability partner" is the BEST way for him to beat his addictive and destructive behavior.

 

It ALSO gives her the full truth and decision making power to remain in the marriage or not based on that information.

 

Sorry Misty...but holding onto the deception is NOT how you change or improve your marriage.

[pollswolls]

I disagree BIG TIME.

 

Telling his wife is the ONLY way he's going to change his ways. He's tried it "on his own" many times in the past, with absolutely no success.

 

Owl - How is it that you are 100% positive that IF he should tell his wife he WILL stop?

 

I'm skeptical about that - even if he does decide to stay & tell her. He's already said even today that he's seen the other woman. - I don't think that if his wife knew it would make any difference to him at all. I think that he would still find a way to see the other woman.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

if i tell my W,can anyone give me a good way to tell her? sometimes i wish i would just get caught just so i can face the music and finally be honest like i have in these posts,but of course i havent gotten myself caught and i just cant seem to bring myself to tell her, although i realize its the right thing to do and that i am robbing her of her life by letting her think she is living in a perfect world...

i worry not only about the devastation i will cause her but also the fact the kids will be dragged into it because she will cry and they will see,i also worry about the fact that even know i have done all this and have basically lived a complete lie that she will beg me not to leave and the guilt will again keep me there.i worry if she will be ok and if the kids will survive, i do love her and want her to be happy, i enjoy taking care of her but right now i dont feel that i am connected,to the outside world i am perfect but i am living a double life and its catching up to me..

 

 

Ofcourse, you don't want to deal with the fall out. Ofcourse, she's going to cry, get angry, refuse to believe... you'll be living with Sybil. There is NO WAY to get around the hurt of the situation you've chosen for her... nor your guilt when she finds out that's how you are repaying her for her love and devotion. Who would want to be in your shoes (or hers for that matter)? You are going to ask her to stop believing in the life you've convinced her she had and to accept that it was all a sham. How long would it take you to soak something like that in?

 

thanks owl...i guess either way its a win win situation and she will at least know who she is married too and if we dont survive at least i know that she knows the real me and maybe i can finally find some peace, happiness i am not sure about but at least some peace.

 

I call BS on this Notsure. YOU will get peace if she gives up on you and the life you've had so that YOU won't have to be the bad guy??? YOU will get peace when she decides to leave or stay knowing your faults???

 

That is the most unfair thing I've ever heard. YOU chose for her to believe in your M. YOU chose to live a double life.

 

THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

 

1) Make arrangements to move out of the house as soon as you tell her.

 

2) Tell her your history, the truth about your feelings for OW as well as your lack of feeling for her.

 

3) Explain to her that you are not going to for one minute lead her on and that your marriage is over and that you would like to make the process as painless as possible for her and your children.

 

4) Set a day to further answer what ever million questions will pop into her head.

 

5) Do not in anyway console her as a way to alliviate your burden of self inclicted guilt. Let her use family and other resources but don't let her rely on you for emotional support.

 

6) Hire a lawyer and fairly divorce her.

 

Grow a backbone man. It is YOUR problems that brought you here, you don't need your wife to make the decisions in the state she will be in and you have already made yours.

 

You know you want to leave your marriage, it resounds in all of your posts. Get out, then you can persue your happiness in a way that won't be at the expense of people who love you.

 

"Let the chips fall" is BS. Take some personal responsibility. That's the kind of thinking that got you into this mess to begin with.

 

Do not punish your wife any further for loving you. Pull the bandage off quickly for HER sake.

[NOTSURE7]

Ok, so maybe I misread you. If your marriage is otherwise perfect, and you really have no reasons to leave that concern the marriage itself, then you probably shouldn't leave. But thast's not what you meant is it? What do you mean - what are your reasons to leave, aside from OW? Just because your reasons are your own and not because your wife is inadequate or something, doesn't make them less legit. What are your reasons?

 

my marriage isisnt perfect, it would be ridiculous for me to say that, but yes i do have a loving wife,well adjusted children and to the rest of the world and to my wife the perfect marriage.

 

what i was saying was that if i was to present to my wife why i am leaving her without including the very important details of the A then i would not have all that much to go on..

 

it may sound strange but i cant really pinpoint exactly why i am so unhappy. but obviously i am and i have deep rooted problems.

 

i think the only way i think i could ever justify leaving her was to tell he that i had this A , it dosent have to be about the ow.

[NOTSURE7]

NS, you tell her the facts, the truth about everything. Do not share your "editorials" with her. Because you dont know if that is correct. What you think is right today may not be the case 3 months from now.

 

By the way, kudos to you to for considering coming clean with your wife. Hope you follow up.

 

Just lay the facts out there.

 

Answer any questions she may have. Do not hold back. Do not sugar coat.

 

Yes you tell her everything. You will be amazed what comes out when you start talking.

 

i am trying, i want to tell her but i am scared to do it and i need to know that it is the right thing to do, i just cant hurt another person and innocent kids like this but i am not happy so what good does that do.she did nothing wrong to deserve this but obviously i have already hurt her but the difference is she dosent know this and even yesterday said to me how lucky and happy she was....ouch

[Owl]

Owl - How is it that you are 100% positive that IF he should tell his wife he WILL stop?

 

I'm skeptical about that - even if he does decide to stay & tell her. He's already said even today that he's seen the other woman. - I don't think that if his wife knew it would make any difference to him at all. I think that he would still find a way to see the other woman.

 

I'm not.

 

But I am 100% positive that he will continue if he doesn't tell his wife.