Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 well, maybe you need to have the fear of losing your comfortable lifestyle to keep you from cheating. You wonder how you will be able to refrain from it...its either the threat of losing everything, or again, cutting your nuts out. Because maybe the only thing that will keep you from cheating is the fear of losing money, your kids on a daily basis, 1/2 your retirement, 1/2 your business, a wife that someone else deserves and that deserves someone else....etc. and right now, you don't have that fear because you got away with it. you are right and if i had these fears i probably would wise up and see what i have at home.i do know what i am doing is wrong but yet i continue to do it, i am trying to break this cycle but so far i have dome nothing to help myself.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I think you're addicted to affairs for the same reason you're addicted to gambling. They both give you a thrill and, every now and then, you manage to convince yourself that this time it's real, this is the big one. I think you picked a woman (your wife) who was so opposite from you because it gives you a way to rationalize your behavior. I usually tell miserable people to leave their miserable marriages once it becomes clear that things can't be worked out. But, seriously, you're lucky to have what you have. Think about your life 20 or 30 yrs from now. Is all this going to be that important? Would it be possible for you to learn to cherish what you have and be happy with that? You don't know how valuable a spouse and children are. They are everything, really. But maybe you do know that and that's why you haven't left your marriage. But the truth is, you're toying with danger by having these affairs and gambling. I'm more inclined to say that you have some very deep problems and need to work them out before you completely ruin your life. I also believe that way too much importance is put on romance. If you once loved your wife, you can love her again. Just because she's your opposite, doesn't mean that you can't appreciate her for who she is. You have a life with someone right now - I hope you don't turn around someday looking back at it, full of regret. You will not be able to fix it then. Regret is a horrible thing. Be very careful with continuing these games you're playing. Not only will you hurt others, your life can end up in shambles. This is not funny. i really do have alot of good in me, i started out the doting loving husband and father, i dont know what it is within me that keeps me doing these things that can harm those i love.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Seems to me that you're going to let people you don't know & that don't know your entire situation bully you into telling her. I understand people come to LS for advice, support, words of encouragement as well as the bashing that comes along with it. But I guess that for people to become bully's...& say they will bug you until you SAY THE RIGHT THING & or DO THE RIGHT THING.......Very interesting, I find this. It also seems to me that you have everyone here convinced you are 100% going to do this again! You're here to ask for help & yet you ARE planning to do it again--is that REALLY the case?.........Hmm..... Makes for a good topic of conversation though. nobody is really bullying me, like everything else i am the only one who can make changes.i have to be the one to decide, i asked for advice and i am geting it, it is helping me to hear points of view and i am taking alot of it to heart, but breaking an addiction or a cycle or finding happiness is always easier said than done.. i have given nobody reason to beleive that i wont do this again, i really and truly dont want too but of course this has all come about by my ow saying she wanted to go our seperate ways and had she not i wouldnt even be here, my point is that i need that motivation or that consequence to make the neccesary changes and without them i will keep the cycle going.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I'm sure someone along the way in this thread has asked this question - But, what if the TABLES WERE TURNED? What if it were she that was the one out there doing the cheating - 1st of all, would you want to know & 2ndly, would that be ok with you - as long as she gave you 100% of her attention while you were both at home? yes the question has been posed and i would hate every second of it.i dont think i would want to know but i know if i did i would be beyond upset as my W would be. no it wouldnt be ok with me at all and i fully understand your point but it is hard to look at it from the other side.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 its not about the impression or what i look like to the outside world, this may sound strange but i truly enjoy being a husband and a father and taking care of my wife and kids. If not to the outside world then to whom?? You know the truth. You are not truly being a husband to your wife and you are gambling majorly with your children's happiness and emotional health should this and previous/subsequent affairs be revealed. It can never TRULY be both ways though it can be falsely both ways, I guess, by your own choosing.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Quote: Originally Posted by NOTSURE7 you are 100% right, i had feelings for another ow before this one, but they were different and i never even entertained leaving my W for that woman. i know my good stuff dosent outweigh what ive done and continue to do but i wanted to point out that i am not a total loss. i am being honest as i always have been here..the latest ow is not yet fully gone, i have not seen her in 3 weeks but we do continue to talk by email so yes you are most likely right that i would pick the A up in a heartbeat. If you are still in contact with the OW then you are STILL nurturing an emotional relationship with another woman and the affair is STILL ongoing. You just stopped having sex. You know it is really sad that you come here and post about how you want to protect your wife from the truth about you and this illusion you have her living, but you WON'T protect her by being faithful and making the illusion into a reality. Your protection is all for yourself. [. He has stated himself that if the OW WANTED to resume their relationship he would continue the affair and that he is still in contact with her. No one is convincing him of this. He said it. This is not some one time "mistake" he says he has had MULTIPLE affairs and that he has always known his wife is not the one for him. Don't you think his wife should know this? yes you are correct by having contact and keeping the A alive i am still nurturing and emotional relationship that could easily lead to sex again.i know i need to go nc and i have tried, i need to try harder.. i do want to protect my wife and i really want to be faithful and be the man she thinks i am..but yes right now i am all about myself. i need to change that and i know this about myself...i would love to be who i am supposed to be but its so hard for me. the question of whther my wife should know i do not think can be a general answer and i think its on a case by case basis
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 If not to the outside world then to whom?? You know the truth. You are not truly being a husband to your wife and you are gambling majorly with your children's happiness and emotional health should this and previous/subsequent affairs be revealed. It can never TRULY be both ways though it can be falsely both ways, I guess, by your own choosing. you are right, right now it is false , all of it is false, when my wife says she is happy i know in my head its a lie,when she says i am the best dad,its a lie,when she says she is the luckiest woman alive its all a lie, and yes it eats away at me.. i think what happens is things get easy and for me the A gave me what i needed so i lose sight of whats important and i think ebcause i carry on the charade and everyone is happy that its ok when i know in reality its not. my dad did this to my mom and i despised it, he hung around and to this day is still married, my mom lived the exact lie my wife is living now.
confusedinkansas Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I'm a little confused. You keep mentioning FEAR. What is it you're afraid of? It's pretty obvious you aren't going to tell your wife (& I agree with you on that one 100%) - so where is the fear coming from? Is it fear of being away from the OW permanently? Is it the fear of a normal life? I'm just not sure what it is exactly you are afraid of.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I'm a little confused. You keep mentioning FEAR. What is it you're afraid of? It's pretty obvious you aren't going to tell your wife (& I agree with you on that one 100%) - so where is the fear coming from? Is it fear of being away from the OW permanently? Is it the fear of a normal life? I'm just not sure what it is exactly you are afraid of. its not the fear of telling my wife because i dont beleive at this moment i will do that, i really feel that i need to try and fix myself and be the man she beleives i am, telling her will do nothing to help me and only set us back years. i think the fear is losing the connection i had with the ow and what that brought to me, it allowed me to live in denial and now i am facing the facts, i also fear myself because as much as i really dont want to continue this cycle i am really trying, i really am,but i know it will continue if i dont do something and that scares me because i dont know what to do. .i know i have a great wife that loves me like no other and takes care of me,men would die to have that, i have 3 beautiful loving well adjusted kids that people would love to have..i have to figure out why at the end of the day its not enough for me, thats what i fear.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 .i know i have a great wife that loves me like no other and takes care of me,men would die to have that, i have 3 beautiful loving well adjusted kids that people would love to have..i have to figure out why at the end of the day its not enough for me, thats what i fear. I would think a good therapist could guide you to finding the answer to that question. Seems to me that what your family really needs, whether they are aware of it or not, is for you to find an honest answer to that question and then to be brave enough to act on whatever you discover.
Angel1111 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 i really do have alot of good in me, i started out the doting loving husband and father, i dont know what it is within me that keeps me doing these things that can harm those i love. I'm sure you are a good person. To me, it's not about good or bad - it's about you self-destructing. I think you have a way of sabotaging your life and I'm afraid that you're going to turn around one day and truly regret it. It's really easy to get caught up in romance. We all know that. And life can be pretty dull sometimes. Love and gambling - they can have the same effect as drugs. Each one is just another type of addiction. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do in these situations. I just think you have too much to lose. Maybe the reason it's hard for you to appreciate your life is because it came so easy, or because you never really had your freedom. Either way, you're where you are now - there's no going back and undoing it. And, for the record, I don't think you should tell your wife about your affairs. I know a lot of people encourage this. I think it's hurtful and unnecessary.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 .i know i have a great wife that loves me like no other and takes care of me,men would die to have that, i have 3 beautiful loving well adjusted kids that people would love to have..i have to figure out why at the end of the day its not enough for me, thats what i fear. I would think a good therapist could guide you to finding the answer to that question. Seems to me that what your family really needs, whether they are aware of it or not, is for you to find an honest answer to that question and then to be brave enough to act on whatever you discover. you are 100% correct, i think a good therapist can guide me in the right direction..but again like everything else i need to take action and do something, besides the obvious harm i am causing this is not healthy for me at all, it is effecting my entire life right now. i actually told my wife the other night that i might need some therapy,i did it under the guise of being upset about my dad and how i am following in his footsteps etc etc, it is true but of course not the main issue but if it gets me in there then so be it.
confusedinkansas Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 i think the fear is losing the connection i had with the ow and what that brought to me, it allowed me to live in denial and now i am facing the facts, i also fear myself because as much as i really dont want to continue this cycle And that is a very real fear. I understand. When my affair was coming to an end the thought of never seeing the OM again would make me feel nauseous. And what I'm going to tell you - really won't make you feel much better - but that fear DOES go away. The feelings do fade. I know you believe that it is true love (& I get that - been there myself) - but the time away from her will make you see things more clearly. The things you need to do to move forward are: Get rid of any and all evidence of the affair. Delete her email (even if you don't block her - delete her out of your address book so YOU don't see it there) Delete her phone number out of your phone (same as email address). Don't drive by her house, don't check her status on facebook or myspace, etc. etc. etc.....Any and all of these things, though they seem small, are a big step. This all sounds very stalkerish...but those of us that have BEEN THERE.......Know all too well, even these little reminders are very painful & hinder you from moving forward.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 I'm sure you are a good person. To me, it's not about good or bad - it's about you self-destructing. I think you have a way of sabotaging your life and I'm afraid that you're going to turn around one day and truly regret it. It's really easy to get caught up in romance. We all know that. And life can be pretty dull sometimes. Love and gambling - they can have the same effect as drugs. Each one is just another type of addiction. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do in these situations. I just think you have too much to lose. Maybe the reason it's hard for you to appreciate your life is because it came so easy, or because you never really had your freedom. Either way, you're where you are now - there's no going back and undoing it. And, for the record, I don't think you should tell your wife about your affairs. I know a lot of people encourage this. I think it's hurtful and unnecessary. your right on with your assesment..its very easy to get caught up in romance and all the things that you think this other person can give you but in reality i know i am living in a dream world and that this ow is not the answer. you are right this is self destructing behavior and eventually it will catch up to me,the gambling did and it took me a long time to repair.i have so much to lose. you are right i look back and have so many regrest, if i spent the time looking at all the good things i would be better off, beleive me i want this head of mine clear one way or the other..
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 And that is a very real fear. I understand. When my affair was coming to an end the thought of never seeing the OM again would make me feel nauseous. And what I'm going to tell you - really won't make you feel much better - but that fear DOES go away. The feelings do fade. I know you believe that it is true love (& I get that - been there myself) - but the time away from her will make you see things more clearly. The things you need to do to move forward are: Get rid of any and all evidence of the affair. Delete her email (even if you don't block her - delete her out of your address book so YOU don't see it there) Delete her phone number out of your phone (same as email address). Don't drive by her house, don't check her status on facebook or myspace, etc. etc. etc.....Any and all of these things, though they seem small, are a big step. This all sounds very stalkerish...but those of us that have BEEN THERE.......Know all too well, even these little reminders are very painful & hinder you from moving forward. i appreciate you sharing this with me, the power of the ow is very intense,i keep going in and out of phases, one minute i am fine and expending all my energy in my family and the next i am wondering what she is doing or if she is thinking about me and one email leads to another and back and forth we go again.i do think its true love but in clearer moments and with some nc i am able to see that its a ll just a dream, yes maybe back before i got married she could have been the one but now its not reality but then bam im right back in the this is the love of my life,my soulmate phase, its tough stuff. i know i have to go into nc, and i get what your saying,she has been very willing to keep distance as she too is working on her marriage but its just seems to keep staying alive.we both need to go nc and move on. yes you are right little things will do it, whether this was the love of my life or not the feelings and emotions shared were and are very real, not so easy to break this but i know its imperative if i am to move forward, because everytime i go nc for a few days its ok and then one email or one look at a picture and it all comes roaring back.
Owl Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 NOTSURE, here's the thing. You don't want to change. You just want to fantasize about being a better man. And right now, you're here because you want to have people tell you that you're not so bad. That you're not that bad of a guy, and that you CAN BE a better man. But I don't believe that you truly want to change. If you really, TRULY, DEEPLY wanted to change...you'd be putting forth real effort to do so. But, you're not. You're still just TALKING ABOUT IT. You're still just fantasizing about it. But you have come up with a deluge of excuses telling us why you "can't" change, rather than take one single bit of true action. If you want to be a better man...then DO IT. If you just want to talk about it...I'll stop posting to you and let you keep the conversation alive for as long as you've got an audience.
Reggie Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 YEsah, therapy may help you> It sounds like a pattern of self destructive beahvior. This is difficult to control on your own, without support. Same as the gambling deal.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 NOTSURE, here's the thing. You don't want to change. You just want to fantasize about being a better man. And right now, you're here because you want to have people tell you that you're not so bad. That you're not that bad of a guy, and that you CAN BE a better man. But I don't believe that you truly want to change. If you really, TRULY, DEEPLY wanted to change...you'd be putting forth real effort to do so. But, you're not. You're still just TALKING ABOUT IT. You're still just fantasizing about it. But you have come up with a deluge of excuses telling us why you "can't" change, rather than take one single bit of true action. If you want to be a better man...then DO IT. If you just want to talk about it...I'll stop posting to you and let you keep the conversation alive for as long as you've got an audience. owl- i appreciate the honesty, i need to hear that.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 YEsah, therapy may help you> It sounds like a pattern of self destructive beahvior. This is difficult to control on your own, without support. Same as the gambling deal. i agree, i really used to think i can handle and do it all on my own but nothing changes and eventually it will catch up to me, i need to fix myself because i am definetely broken
Owl Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 owl- i appreciate the honesty, i need to hear that. Really? What did hearing it do for you? What did it prompt you to do?
PhoenixRise Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 NOTSURE, here's the thing. You don't want to change. You just want to fantasize about being a better man. And right now, you're here because you want to have people tell you that you're not so bad. That you're not that bad of a guy, and that you CAN BE a better man. But I don't believe that you truly want to change. If you really, TRULY, DEEPLY wanted to change...you'd be putting forth real effort to do so. But, you're not. You're still just TALKING ABOUT IT. You're still just fantasizing about it. But you have come up with a deluge of excuses telling us why you "can't" change, rather than take one single bit of true action. If you want to be a better man...then DO IT. If you just want to talk about it...I'll stop posting to you and let you keep the conversation alive for as long as you've got an audience. Owl This post is so true it might as well be gospel.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Really? What did hearing it do for you? What did it prompt you to do? it prompts me to listen and to hear what you have to say, it may not prompt me to get out of my chair this second and make a change but it will spur me to think and try to use ls for what its worth, this is giving me a great way get things out and get good advice no matter if i want to hear it or not.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Okay, I did that. Okay, you got that (thankfully, I only had 2 read the first post, a couple of responses, and then the last page 2 figure this out). Yes, you are selfish Yes, you are a narcissist. See "narcissist" above. What you don't seem 2 want 2 acknowledge is that pretty much everybody who's posted 2 you saw through all that right at the beginning and, though they realized you are someone who needs help, it's BECAUSE of these traits of yours that you do, not because somewhere in there there's a good guy who's just confused. There may be, but the narcissist needs 2 be slain before he can be brought back out. See "narcissist" above. Actions speak, words don't. Stop flapping your jaws in the breeze and do something. Anything! I'll come back in 19 more pages and see how you're doing. -ol' 2long nothing like a good recap of my existence...lol
Owl Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 But look at where you're at. 19 pages and 14 days later after coming here for advice...I truly believe that it's made not a single jot of difference in your life, your outlook, or your plan of action. Nothing at all has changed, within you, or in your situation.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 But look at where you're at. 19 pages and 14 days later after coming here for advice...I truly believe that it's made not a single jot of difference in your life, your outlook, or your plan of action. Nothing at all has changed, within you, or in your situation. thats were you are wrong, i have taken every single thing that anyone here generous enough to take there time to post has said to me, i have begun to think about it all and i am trying very hard to make the changes. i talked to my wife a bit the other night about some things, i have been trying to go nc with the ow,i am trying to throw my weight into my marriage and i am also starting to ask around for a therapist. so thats not entirely true, i know it may not seem like it in my writings but you guys have helped me and have given me a place to get these things out of my head and to maybe finally break my cycle.
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