Apart and shaken

[LisaUk]

also, lisa, i miss you. come here and give at least an update.

 

Hi MayI (sorry to thread jack Lup's)

 

That's so nice to hear! I miss all you guys too.

 

Update coming up, will start a thread!

[delajoonal]

lupa....

 

i can undestand your stress and all...but remember THIS is his job and THIS is what you pay him very GOOD MONEY for...

 

if your attorney said there is a continuance and NOT to go...then you should trust him...if you are NOT having a good feeling in the pit of your stomach and are doubting this attorney..then you should hire a new one..no kidding..

 

cause right now, even with the divorce and alimony and your future UP in the air..you should STILL be able to sit back and say to yourself..or whoever is listeing (US..tee hee) that you are NOT worried, the regular anxiety of the outcome is natural..but to be in fear the way your post sounds..well, that shouldn't be....

 

so if you feel that you can't trust this man, then i would def show up...and also, you could go to the court house today, and get the docket printed out or even just take a look at it..you know that it is PUBLIC record right..so go check IT out today, so you can get some rest tonight and make sure to tell you attorney you are a bit BENT for him NOT returning your calls...althought HE may be in court?

but then that is what HIS paralegal is and secretary are for?

 

after all that rambling..my point:

do whatever you need to to do get some rest tonight...just in case it goes either way:)

 

as for the continuance..i believe either party can ask for one...just depends on what the courts/judge will allow and for what reasons?

they (W) might be waiting on a piece of paper/evidence of her income or something like that???

 

since you have NO children...this really should NOT be that difficult?

so i guess your being a bit harried right now is understandable.

 

keep us posted;)

GOOD LUCK !!

EMERGENCY VENTING REQUIRED!!!:

my original court date for the spousal support hearing was supposed to be tomorrow. My lawyer informed me over the phone that we were going to get a continuance. It occurred to me that I haven't received anything from the court stating as much, and I started to stress out. So, I called my lawyer like 5 hours ago, asking that he confirm the continuance, as they do threaten the issuance of a warrant for not showing up.

I haven't heard back from him yet, and I'm starting panic.

Why in the holy hell should I have to call the court to confirm this? What am I paying this man for?

I know he does this every day, and this is nothing to get excited about, but I don't. It would be a two second conversation:

"Hello, Mr Lawyer Man, I know you told me last week we would have a continuance, but it occurred to me that the court hasn't sent me anything about it. Should I worry?"

"No, my dear Lupa, you shouldn't worry at all. I have it all under control."

"Thanks, Mr Lawyer Man."

TEN FREAKING SECONDS.

I'm a little unhappy right now.

Grr.

[lupa]

Ok, here's what happened:

 

I called the court, was told I was still on the docket. Pissed.

 

I called the lawyer, said, "uhhhh...what's up with that?"

 

Lawyer said, "It's going to be under control."

 

Now, I pay him a lot of money, and I don't like hearing that. I like hearing, "You're not on the docket" even though that's not what I heard.

 

Get this...I'm on my way home from here, having stormed out of work in a rage, and the phone rings. Local number that I don't recognize so I pick up.

 

"[Mr Lupa]?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"This is [person] from the Common Pleas Court. We spoke a little while ago regarding your case when you called in...another supervisor whom I had spoken with noticed some paperwork just crossed her desk with your name on it, and I thought I'd call you to let you know you do now have a continuance."

 

"[person], this is the nicest thing anyone's done for me all day. Thank you very much."

 

"No problem, I know this sort of thing is difficult, and you were so nice before, I thought I should let you know."

 

...

 

I was shocked. Someone in local govt actually, you know, DID something.

 

I called my lawyer, explained my frustration, chatted about the case, determined that yes, I am going to get f*cked in these proceedings, regardless of what I do, and then hit the bottle of tequila. I was stressed.

 

I went to a funeral home for 20 minutes (friend's grandmother).

 

After that to dinner with girlfriend, bottle of wine.

 

Home, epic crazy monkey sex.

 

Downstairs, more tequila, TV, watched a thing on Stephen Hawking trying to crack gravity, which I think they got all wrong anyway...off to bed.

 

It was a crazy night, I was all stressed out, the relieved, then talking to the girlfriend about it all, about what she has going on, stressed, relieved, but having a blast with her the whole time.

 

As for this morning, we were eating breakfast, and she was asking me which furniture was mine...like planning out her future. It was nice to watch her do it.

 

If this all wasn't so exhausting, it would be entertaining.

[MrMayI]

 

Someone in local govt actually, you know, DID something.

 

.

 

hey now! i work for the state government. watch it. just kidding. i don't do much either, haha.

[lupa]

The wife texted me today to let me know she needed to get some documents or something out of the house for a job interview (still no job). I laughed, because she wouldn't be able to get in. I didn't change the locks, a shovel "accidentally" wedged itself between the door and the steps. And a chair/garbage can/knife block accidentally wedged themselves between the back door and the counter. I don't know how that could have happened...

 

In the time it took me to see the text and respond

 

"what documents"

 

she said she came up with another way to get that info.

 

That was the first interaction we've had since I chucked all her sh*t out the bedroom window like 4 weeks ago. I really, honestly, couldn't care less what she does with her time now, I'm just ticked she wants money from me.

 

I tried every way I could to be a good person about this, but I really wouldn't be too upset if she got hit by a bus.

 

...I know now what I want out of life, and who. I have a fire within me that I never felt for my wife, and each morning I wake up next to the girlfriend is another day that starts out with passion. I'm sure we're going to have to figure out how to work through some things, we just haven't found those things yet.

 

She has mentioned that cracking my knuckles and joints bothers her, so I'm trying to stop, but sometimes I just gotta put my back where it needs to be.

 

But yeah...I'm actually kinda glad the wife texted me, because it was interesting that I don't give a sh*t about where she is during the days.

 

Crazy.

 

I want her gone. I'ma Pontius Pilate my way outta this situation.

[divineunions]

Personally I try the dating sites after heartbreak. I find it's an easy way to get some comunication done without the worry of feeling pain again.

 

Here's one I found just the other day.

 

Divine Unions

[lupa]

Personally I try the dating sites after heartbreak. I find it's an easy way to get some comunication done without the worry of feeling pain again.

 

Here's one I found just the other day.

 

Divine Unions

I GOT SPAMMED! YES!!!!!

 

 

Last night I dreamed I went ring shopping for the girlfriend. Even my dreams are going too fast. lol.

 

We woke up this morning and I just held her for like 30 minutes.

 

there is a light at the end of the tunnel...and now I'm almost thanking my wife for wanting to end this. I'm going to finish crawling through this lake of sh*t and come out the other side smelling like a bunch of roses.

 

Again, I want to thank you all for giving me the strength to get here. You people are awesome, and for those that are stuck or just getting started on the way, it hurts, it really does, but it gets better.

 

It gets better.

[MrMayI]

I GOT SPAMMED! YES!!!!!

 

 

Last night I dreamed I went ring shopping for the girlfriend. Even my dreams are going too fast. lol.

 

We woke up this morning and I just held her for like 30 minutes.

 

there is a light at the end of the tunnel...and now I'm almost thanking my wife for wanting to end this. I'm going to finish crawling through this lake of sh*t and come out the other side smelling like a bunch of roses.

 

Again, I want to thank you all for giving me the strength to get here. You people are awesome, and for those that are stuck or just getting started on the way, it hurts, it really does, but it gets better.

 

It gets better.

 

here here!

you may find yourself stuck over and over, but this is truth.

i can't believe how far we've come, and yet i can't believe how far there is yet to go. i can say with certainty, today, that i am happy to be alive. i'm thankful for what i have. remorseful for what's been lost, but like a dear old friend e-mailed me the other night. don't settle until you trade up. trade in that pinto and drive away in a mercedes.

[LisaUk]

The wife texted me today to let me know she needed to get some documents or something out of the house for a job interview (still no job). I laughed, because she wouldn't be able to get in. I didn't change the locks, a shovel "accidentally" wedged itself between the door and the steps. And a chair/garbage can/knife block accidentally wedged themselves between the back door and the counter. I don't know how that could have happened...

 

In the time it took me to see the text and respond

 

"what documents"

 

she said she came up with another way to get that info.

 

That was the first interaction we've had since I chucked all her sh*t out the bedroom window like 4 weeks ago. I really, honestly, couldn't care less what she does with her time now, I'm just ticked she wants money from me.

 

I tried every way I could to be a good person about this, but I really wouldn't be too upset if she got hit by a bus.

 

...I know now what I want out of life, and who. I have a fire within me that I never felt for my wife, and each morning I wake up next to the girlfriend is another day that starts out with passion. I'm sure we're going to have to figure out how to work through some things, we just haven't found those things yet.

 

She has mentioned that cracking my knuckles and joints bothers her, so I'm trying to stop, but sometimes I just gotta put my back where it needs to be.

 

But yeah...I'm actually kinda glad the wife texted me, because it was interesting that I don't give a sh*t about where she is during the days.

 

Crazy.

 

I want her gone. I'ma Pontius Pilate my way outta this situation.

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

[Gunny376]

I realize that I'm probably going to come off as an @zzhat here?

 

And I realize what I posted to you via PM?

 

But the sit-rep (Situation Report) has changed.

 

Be advised.

 

I told you about the divorce ratio regarding nurses?

 

The fact that the GF doesn't want to discuss your divorce and what your going through + your unresolved feelings about the STBX + your anger toward the STBXW + your anxiety about such + you and the GF having wild monkey sex?

 

Bad combination!

 

Prediction?

 

Six months to a year or better from now?

 

"Thanks GF! I've got my self confidence/ esteem/respect back, and I'm feeling better about myself! See Ya! Have a good life!"

 

I'm telling you Lupa!

 

Don't pop the question! Don't buy the ring!

 

Give it a minimum of 24 to 48 months!

 

Don't move in together!

 

Don't live together!

 

Take a Fool's Advice!

 

The GF not wanting to discuss your divorce, and your current problems?

 

Spells trouble!

 

Her objections over you cracking your knuckles ( a sign of stress) spells trouble.

[PWSX3]

I hate to say it, but your G/F is relieving the pain you need to be working thru with your marriage. It is something we can't run away from, it is something we "ALL" need to deal with......

 

I have been seeing a counselor, going to a men's group at church, taking classes at church & I still wonder if I got into a relationship to soon.

 

They say it takes on the "average" 5 years to get over a relationship. They also say you should wait 2-3 years before getting into another relationship & I'm starting to understand why.......

 

I can only go off my own experience but the first year you are just screwed up, the second year you start to understand what you do need to do, & the third year you start to do those things, start to really enjoy being who you are or you start working on those goals you have found in the last two years.

 

In July when me & my son were looking for places me & the G/F really talked about moving in together, it would be cheaper, etc but I'm so thankful that we didn't do it. It's not because I don't like/love her but we just need our space to heal....Sure it feels good to be with them but it does slow down the process I feel of healing.

[lupa]

I realize that I'm probably going to come off as an @zzhat here?

 

And I realize what I posted to you via PM?

 

But the sit-rep (Situation Report) has changed.

 

Be advised.

 

I told you about the divorce ratio regarding nurses?

 

The fact that the GF doesn't want to discuss your divorce and what your going through + your unresolved feelings about the STBX + your anger toward the STBXW + your anxiety about such + you and the GF having wild monkey sex?

 

Bad combination!

 

Prediction?

 

Six months to a year or better from now?

 

"Thanks GF! I've got my self confidence/ esteem/respect back, and I'm feeling better about myself! See Ya! Have a good life!"

 

I'm telling you Lupa!

 

Don't pop the question! Don't buy the ring!

 

Give it a minimum of 24 to 48 months!

 

Don't move in together!

 

Don't live together!

 

Take a Fool's Advice!

 

The GF not wanting to discuss your divorce, and your current problems?

 

Spells trouble!

 

Her objections over you cracking your knuckles ( a sign of stress) spells trouble.

Well...in an interesting turn of events, since the last time you and I pm'ed, the girlfriend and I have talked about a couple of things, not the least of which was things about my marriage.

 

We talked the other night about how I'm still hurting about giving up on my vows, and we actually talk a lot now about the lawyer/offer situation. I think this is hard for her because she doesn't want to think about those things ; we usually have such a good time together. I think she is getting a little more comfortable with it, though.

 

As for the knuckle cracking...lol...I just give her a heads-up now, and she just laughs and says, "I'll get used to it" with a smile.

 

I think what I'm taking into this is that I've got to communicate with her better than I ever did with my wife, or it is a lost cause.

 

I'm not disagreeing with you, guns, or PW or anyone else...and you're probably right about taking time, but at the same time, I feel like I have to push ahead here, making sure to take what I've learned and all your advice with me.

 

I'm feeling pretty good about this relationship right now...and again, I've really cared about her in some capacity for a long time. I think this is serendipitous...i didn't even know I was looking for her all this time, and a series of events happened that brought us together. I don't believe in fate, destiny, a god who is interested in the minutiae of my life, but I do believe in chance, and taking control of your opportunities.

 

The timing couldn't be worse, but if you really, really want something, maybe you have to earn it.

 

if this is going to work out, she and I are going to have to earn, and I think I'm ok with that.

 

I think I'm ok with that.

[delajoonal]

hi lupa...

 

i was going to post THIS a few days ago..but felt maybe i would be stepping over the line...

 

but since Gunny and PWS did first...

 

i WHOLE heartidly agree with EVERY word THEY BOTH are saying.

 

i think some of the crazy passion you say you have, especially in the mornings..

 

is when you wake up and realize what HAS really happened to you in your life

 

...and ALL those emotions come racing back like a rollercoaster in your head...

so you turn that anger and frustration into passion...and that is OK ...

not saying You don't feel that passion FOR your GF...i am saying is

 

SLOW DOWN, really take a look at what YOU ARE going right now???

 

(mornings are really hard for me too...i wake up every single day and my eyes open and instantly i realize where i am , what has happened and OMG, its NOT a nightmare...the flood gates of emotions open..before my eyes are even fully open...i am angry, sad, frustrated, start to cry, miss my life, miss being HIS wife, every single emotion you can think of goes thru me first thing in the morning...its when we realize another day in reality..)

 

take a look at the time line, the gf, the wife, and i think lupa, you might still love your wife...we as humans, cannot just stop loving someone because THEY stopped loving us...or because we hate them at the same time...remember that fine line between love and hate?

 

and if you are thinking that your wife just stopped loving you..she didn't,

remember the leavers have left, emotionally WAY before we were even aware or had a clue or before they said they want a divorce...THEY had time to adjust and realize they no longer loved us....we on the other hand..didnt' have that time...we just got slammed one day..HEY guess what, i dont' love you anymore and i want a divorce....

my point...with all this passion, some of it could be for the loss, the love, the anger..you still have for your wife????

 

i think what we are all trying to say..is we CARE ABOUT YOU alot...

and really want you to sloooooow way down!

 

like gunny said...even that issue with the knuckle cracking...

you have to know..with true love..that stuff just does NOT matter..

 

i mean for crap sake, my H picked his nose while on the computer. and i still found much passion for him..LOL..OK TMI...but you get my point.right..

 

when you truly in love..those knuckle cracking things, picking noses thinks...they just DO NOT matter...so much so, that we don't even say anything about them to our significant other...

 

gosh lupa..i hope i didn't piss you off...but since gunny and pws said it fisrt and like i said, i have been wanting to post on this issue for few days now...

 

we are all just worried you are going to fast..and will crash and burn and then you will have 2 broken hearts and still NOT over the wife..then will have the GF to deal with too....

 

all in all...i wish you luck lupa;)

 

i would not take time to post this if i didn't care...

 

we all CARE...that is why, NOT all posts are going to be sugar coated..

you know how that goes right:D:o;)

 

ok...feel free to PM me or post or let me have it..LOL

 

but we care..remember that, K;)

[lupa]

hi lupa...

 

i was going to post THIS a few days ago..but felt maybe i would be stepping over the line...

 

but since Gunny and PWS did first...

 

i WHOLE heartidly agree with EVERY word THEY BOTH are saying.

 

i think some of the crazy passion you say you have, especially in the mornings..

 

is when you wake up and realize what HAS really happened to you in your life

 

...and ALL those emotions come racing back like a rollercoaster in your head...

so you turn that anger and frustration into passion...and that is OK ...

not saying You don't feel that passion FOR your GF...i am saying is

 

SLOW DOWN, really take a look at what YOU ARE going right now???

 

(mornings are really hard for me too...i wake up every single day and my eyes open and instantly i realize where i am , what has happened and OMG, its NOT a nightmare...the flood gates of emotions open..before my eyes are even fully open...i am angry, sad, frustrated, start to cry, miss my life, miss being HIS wife, every single emotion you can think of goes thru me first thing in the morning...its when we realize another day in reality..)

 

take a look at the time line, the gf, the wife, and i think lupa, you might still love your wife...we as humans, cannot just stop loving someone because THEY stopped loving us...or because we hate them at the same time...remember that fine line between love and hate?

 

and if you are thinking that your wife just stopped loving you..she didn't,

remember the leavers have left, emotionally WAY before we were even aware or had a clue or before they said they want a divorce...THEY had time to adjust and realize they no longer loved us....we on the other hand..didnt' have that time...we just got slammed one day..HEY guess what, i dont' love you anymore and i want a divorce....

my point...with all this passion, some of it could be for the loss, the love, the anger..you still have for your wife????

 

i think what we are all trying to say..is we CARE ABOUT YOU alot...

and really want you to sloooooow way down!

 

like gunny said...even that issue with the knuckle cracking...

you have to know..with true love..that stuff just does NOT matter..

 

i mean for crap sake, my H picked his nose while on the computer. and i still found much passion for him..LOL..OK TMI...but you get my point.right..

 

when you truly in love..those knuckle cracking things, picking noses thinks...they just DO NOT matter...so much so, that we don't even say anything about them to our significant other...

 

gosh lupa..i hope i didn't piss you off...but since gunny and pws said it fisrt and like i said, i have been wanting to post on this issue for few days now...

 

we are all just worried you are going to fast..and will crash and burn and then you will have 2 broken hearts and still NOT over the wife..then will have the GF to deal with too....

 

all in all...i wish you luck lupa;)

 

i would not take time to post this if i didn't care...

 

we all CARE...that is why, NOT all posts are going to be sugar coated..

you know how that goes right:D:o;)

 

ok...feel free to PM me or post or let me have it..LOL

 

but we care..remember that, K;)

No offense, no anger.

 

Keep in mind I take everything people here say to me along with me every day.

 

i was in love with this woman way before I met my wife. When we broke up, I debated running off to New York to find the woman I was in love with in college, but I ran into my wife. She was looking for stability, support, and a family, and I was just looking. I think my wife was the rebound...

 

The girlfriend and I broke up last time because she was in a rough place (abusive relationship) and I was just out partying all the time. The breakup was a wakeup call for me, and I wanted more stability in my world. I chose my wife because the positives outweighed the negatives, and we had a good time together.

 

Well, there was not the passion there, not for me, and evidently, not for her. I was ok with that, because we had a good life with a lot of nice things, and again, we always had a good time together.

 

But, now eight years have passed, I no longer party all the time, the girlfriend has gone through a couple of relationships...god, I thought about her during my marriage. I've said it before, I never would have acted on it, but after i'd run into her while I was married, i'd wonder what she was up to in her life. I'd think about her, even using my nickname for her, over the last 8 yrs.

 

I understand the concern about my love for my wife being an issue, and really now the only thing the girlfriend and I haven't spoken about yet, is that I'm still hurting about that. But I wouldn't even call it love, as in true love. It was dedication, loyalty, trust, care. I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her. Funny, she said the same damned thing to me, and at one point I was probably in love with her. But she yelled, when discussion was warranted. She nagged, when her sh*t was all over the place. She was always late, making me late for everything, she was high maintenance, she had a shopping problem (I'm discovering how bad it is now, as I have multiple instances of the same stuff in my house, stored in different locations).

 

We just didn't have the relationship that she wanted, but I was content with being a provider and a giver.

 

Now, I'm back with the woman that I feel more passion than any other relationship I've ever had.

 

Can we last? I really have no idea.

 

Who is going to run? Originally I thought it would be her, because that is kinda what happened years ago...but now, I'm a little stronger, a little more centered with what I want. I'm not dependent on her for validation...if anything, it might be the other way around. Keep in mind, while I'm no Zen Master at relationships now, I am much more adept at identifying what is actually going on, because in the past I just didn't even think that there was anything to think about. Now I know, or at least have seen.

 

I think my point for all of you folks here is that I have loved her (and very well may love her again) more than any other woman I've ever been with, and while I may not know how to use the tools I'm equipped with, at least I'm equipped with all these new relationship tools that give me an advantage for when I might need them.

 

I'm like that accidental superhero, who, after exposure to gamma radiation that should have killed him but instead gave him untold abilities, spends the rest of his time figuring out how in the hell to use these powers, all the while bumbling around and helping people.

 

lol.

 

Seriously, though. I'm not going to do everything right here, but I already see myself not sweating the small stuff. The competition is over. I don't need to be right all the time. When I am right, I'll let her come to her own understanding of that...there are a couple of examples of how that has happened over the last few weeks in our relationship, and I just would have ended up arguing with my wife. This way, there is no argument, and really, I don't need to get my way in the first place, because it is no big deal.

 

I dunno...I appreciate your input, and will take it with me, but while I'm not fully healed, I'm ready to start moving again.

 

Maybe it ends great, maybe it ends badly, but three months is enough time for me to pause. We only get one chance on this blue rock hurtling around the sun...I'm going to drink from the cup of life. The next time that life tries to kick me in the teeth like this, though, I'm ready for it.

 

[delajoonal]

ahhh..lupa...GOOD FOR YOU kiddo!!!

 

now THAT post..sounds grounded and well, frankly I GET IT NOW.

 

thank you for taking time lupa..i know we are all just a bunch of people anonymous in reality...but still, we care and i think you know that too..or you wouldn't have taken time to answer my/the others' posts;)

 

and you know we will ALWAYS be here for you...

 

wether you are notifying of the BIGGEST wedding in history or

the worst break up ever ...

 

YOU KNOW WE ALL WILL BE HERE FOR THE IT ALL...

 

THE GOOD THE BAD THE UGLY...

 

I answered your PM...thanks lupa..you're a good guy...

 

don't let HER/GF get away this time..OK...

 

take your time work on it, nuture it...love it..be patient..remember ALL the things you didn't like in your first marriage...

 

that is what i am taking from my divorce...ack..i hate that word..

 

may we ALL never have to hear that word again..LOL

 

good luck lupa...keep in touch..keep us posted...

 

hugs..

dela;)

 

p.s. i know i said it above...but your last post was very clear and precise and well...you sound good today....good for you!

[Gunny376]

Per your most recent post you sound as though your well grounded and are keeping it real.

 

One of the really good things about what your going through, is that you develop a certain amount of immunity to it? If that makes sense?

 

But just as any other trauma that people go through, you can't let it keep it from living your life. You've got to get back out there and get busy living your life.

 

Just that plain and just that simple.

 

But you've learned and grown from the experience. Granted your now once bitten and twice shy, as any of us would be. And your more knowledgeable, experience.

 

But understand this, and understand it well. The knowledge and experience you need to make a LTR work ~ is an on-going process throughout the course of one's life.

 

The key is communication and balance. And since 98% of all human communication is non-verbal? Its learning how to pick up on the

GF's own personal cues.

 

And its paying attention to the small things on a day to day basis, while not being paranoid about it. Nor obsessive.

 

And I think your right! I think the wife was the 're-bound' and now Life has brought you and her full circle. It didn't work before because you weren't ready. You lacked the mental and emotional maturity to make it work. As well as the relationship 'skill set' that you needed. (Hint you still don't have the full set ~ it takes a lifetime to acquire them)

 

And its a matter of keeping your priorities in line? If your priority is being successful and climbing up the food chain and becoming a Big Dog? Then your personal home life and marriage is going to suffer.

 

In the book, "Crazy Time" the author relates a true story about a man that busted his butt to climb the corporate ladder. Finally he made it after years and years of hard work.

 

He was promoted to VP, got the corner office at the main headquarters etc.

 

He came home with champagne and flowers to announce the news to the wife. To which she responded, "That's nice. But I just wished you had spent more time with me and the children."

 

She then told him that she had only stayed all these years until the children were 'grown and on their own' and that now she wanted a divorce.

 

Ditto with Warren Buffet. His wife left him and divorced him because he was too busy and concentrated at doing what he does best ~ make money. But he never wanted to go anywhere, do anything. All of his billions meant nothing to her? She wanted to live Life!

[lupa]

One of the really good things about what your going through, is that you develop a certain amount of immunity to it? If that makes sense?

It makes a hell of a lot of sense. If I've gained one thing from this whole experience, it is that I now have a picture of what is actually important, and what is not.

 

I'm still picking up the pieces, no doubt about it -- I have a tough time cleaning out closets, taking care of things around the house because it is too painful -- but at the same time I don't want my wife to be there with me. Actually, more often than not, i wish the girlfriend could be there with me, to shoulder a little of the burden. But, I just bite my lip, put my head down, and power through it.

 

But you know what is important? The look I get in my eye when I see her. The feeling, the anticipation for the future. Sheesh...when we were together the last time I wanted to start a family with this woman. With my wife, I was hesitant about so many things. How crazy is that?

 

But yeah, the immunity (I got sidetracked)...I guess it comes with having a hardened heart.

 

I wrote on here I had never been hurt before, or at least never as a result of something that was not my own stupidity. This one was out of the blue, this one makes no sense. That is why it hurt so much, but maybe this was necessary to truly have an understanding of how beautiful and fragile love is. It isn't something to tuck in your back pocket, to know that it is there and that person will always be there. Love is more like one of those ridiculously amazing flowers that just explode and fall apart if you bump it the wrong way.

 

I never understood how delicate it could be, because I was always in charge. Ok, thank you life, thank you wife, you taught me a valuable lesson, one that I will think about every day for the rest of my life.

 

I just wish learning this lesson didn't hurt so bad, but then I wouldn't have earned, would I?

 

I hope the girlfriend is ready for me...this is going to be wonderful.

[Gunny376]

It makes a hell of a lot of sense. If I've gained one thing from this whole experience, it is that I now have a picture of what is actually important, and what is not.

 

I'm still picking up the pieces, no doubt about it -- I have a tough time cleaning out closets, taking care of things around the house because it is too painful -- but at the same time I don't want my wife to be there with me. Actually, more often than not, i wish the girlfriend could be there with me, to shoulder a little of the burden. But, I just bite my lip, put my head down, and power through it.

 

But you know what is important? The look I get in my eye when I see her. The feeling, the anticipation for the future. Sheesh...when we were together the last time I wanted to start a family with this woman. With my wife, I was hesitant about so many things. How crazy is that?

 

But yeah, the immunity (I got sidetracked)...I guess it comes with having a hardened heart.

 

I wrote on here I had never been hurt before, or at least never as a result of something that was not my own stupidity. This one was out of the blue, this one makes no sense. That is why it hurt so much, but maybe this was necessary to truly have an understanding of how beautiful and fragile love is. It isn't something to tuck in your back pocket, to know that it is there and that person will always be there. Love is more like one of those ridiculously amazing flowers that just explode and fall apart if you bump it the wrong way.

 

I never understood how delicate it could be, because I was always in charge. Ok, thank you life, thank you wife, you taught me a valuable lesson, one that I will think about every day for the rest of my life.

 

I just wish learning this lesson didn't hurt so bad, but then I wouldn't have earned, would I?

 

I hope the girlfriend is ready for me...this is going to be wonderful.

 

"Take the pebble from my hand Grasshopper."

 

Or in the words of the late great Richard Pryor

 

"If your @zz finds ture love? Don't f**k it up!"

[lupa]

Quick update --

 

Got the counter offer letter from my lawyer, don't like it, but it is better than what she asked for. I am going to sit down and go over it today before the football game, highlight the parts I don't like, and try to figure out if I should just agree and be done with it. What's a couple of tens of thousands of dollars in the big scheme of things?

 

Also, life with the girlfriend is going nicely. We're figuring some things out about what we want to do, and there is a distinct possibility that I might not actually move out of this house immediately...

 

We talked about her moving in here with me for a while, while I rebuild financially and we figure out what we want to do. I like this plan for multiple reasons, not the least of which is that she works only weekends but gets paid full time, so traveling like 40 miles each way isn't a big thing for a few months. On the other hand, she is already driving like 30 miles to stay at my place 4 or 5 nights a week...so even from a total mileage perspective it makes sense.

 

It also doesn't hurt that the very furniture I'm going to be losing to the wife...the girlfriend already owns! The only thing I need to purchase will be a new desk for my office, which is fine because I hate this one anyway.

 

I guess the short version is that I'm getting to an ok place, and actually am thanking my wife in a way for causing all this. It hurt like hell, but I find myself with the woman that I loved years ago, and now she and I are ready for life together.

 

What a crazy freaking world.

Edited October 4, 2009 by lupa

[PWSX3]

Don't want to bust your bubble but I would suggest you don't move in together with your friend,G/F......

 

The odds of it working go WAY down when you move in. Three months ago I wanted to move in with my G/F and now I'm so glad I didn't do it. There is just so many things you have to learn about the other person & living with & having sex with that person makes it harder. When you start getting sex those little issues you don't like about the other person don't show up, it is like a drug and it covers up a lot because it feels so good.

 

I am so glad to hear things are going well for you, you will feel better when it is final.......

[lupa]

Don't want to bust your bubble but I would suggest you don't move in together with your friend,G/F......

 

The odds of it working go WAY down when you move in. Three months ago I wanted to move in with my G/F and now I'm so glad I didn't do it. There is just so many things you have to learn about the other person & living with & having sex with that person makes it harder. When you start getting sex those little issues you don't like about the other person don't show up, it is like a drug and it covers up a lot because it feels so good.

 

I am so glad to hear things are going well for you, you will feel better when it is final.......

Thanks for your positive wishes , PW, and in response to the rest above, I want to explain a little, I think.

 

I'm fine with seeing the shine and glint of a new relationship get put to the acid test of living together. I'm sure there are things I need to come to terms with about her, and she with me. Believe me when I tell you that this is a very calculated play on my part. If she moves in, and it sucks, I will know that in the short term. I invested 7 years in a relationship with my soon to be ex wife, and quite frankly, given the amount of history this woman and I have together (high school dating, after college dating, this time dating), we have like at least a year's worth of "relationship" if not more under out belts already. Moving in together is the logical next step, and if it isn't right, I'm going to know soon.

 

There is a certain subtle beauty in the "Gunny" way of life, whereas now I am in control of my world, and I can never be hurt like I was again. I want her to move in, and if it doesn't work out, well, I'll be glad to know that sooner rather than later, because I've got to live my life the way I want to. No more games for ol' lupa, I see what I want, and i'm going to get it. If it isn't right, then I'll be glad to know that asap.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'll invest 100% in this, but I'll also be more apt to cut my losses sooner, instead of letting unhappiness fester like I did with my wife, because I thought people ought to hang on to the bitter end.

 

I'm a harder person now because of what I've gone through, and I'm also going to try to be smarter and more aware and able to give so much more of myself to my next partner. I want it to be my girlfriend right now, and I think it can be, so believe me when I say I'm going to give it my all.

 

The wife is becoming more and more of a memory. I'm amazed by that.

[delajoonal]

lupa lupa lupa...

 

maybe YOU are doing IT the right and we are all sitting stagnant and ruminating and boo hooing...the old boring way.

 

you are happy, out and about, making LTP with the GF, looking at new houses...

um u mentioned something about great s-e-x...LOL...

 

i am going to really think about what you have done and maybe apply a bit to my situation?

 

because Lord knows...what i am doing now..ain't workin' (sorry for the poor grammar..LOL)

 

congrats! my friend...you sound like you KNOW exactly what you want now and you are going after it...so you're running not walking...but in reality, maybe we all should run more...life is going by so fast...

 

my H certainly didn't waste anytime running into the arms of his uhum (wh**e)....i mean OW

 

maybe us women need to be more like the men here...

just get out there and DO IT!??

[PWSX3]

 

maybe us women need to be more like the men here...

just get out there and DO IT!??

Just got home from a surprise 50th birthday party, there were 7 gals & 4 guys so the woman are getting out.

Funny we have all met from either divorce care (different classes) or classes we have taken at some time at church. Great group of people just out having a good time....

[lupa]

I've sent off my counter-offer for settlement, changed the locks on the doors.

 

The girlfriend has been helping me out by going through the fridge, emptying out loads of redundant cleaning supplies, cleaning the house (I'm helping here), etc. Turns out my wife was a bit of a squirrel, I guess, always buying things, stuffing them away somewhere, and forgetting about them. Then she'd buy more.

 

I have five containers of dried out "Swiffer Wet" wipes or whatever. Or should I say, "had."

 

There were stacks of pie crusts in my freezer. In the 7 years my wife and I were together, 3.5 married, she never made one single freaking pie.

 

Why so pie crust?

 

Why so pie crust?

 

Stacks of 'em!

 

Also, without her income, and without the $2000 a month unemployment...my bank account seems to be growing. Either I'm forgetting to pay some important bills, or basically she just had a shopping addiction. I think it was a shopping addiction. Hell, there are 10 garbage bags full of her clothing sitting in the garage, just waiting to be picked up. These weren't clothes stuffed in the attic or something, they were in the closet. That basically means this woman had enough clothing to move out with only some of it, and leave 10 bags behind.

 

As for me, I'm getting ready to do some major Spring cleaning (yes, October) in that house. I had originally intended to keep her stuff around and try to sell, but this settlement is going to hurt me for a while, so I'm going to stay. So, I'm going to go through my stuff first...old clothes, etc...and clean out. then I'm going to make a list of things I need to shop for. After that is done, I'm going to go through the list of possessions that the wife and I agreed to, and get one of those Pods storage containers. I will take her stuff, furniture included, and dump it in there, drop the Pod off at her parents' house.

 

The girlfriend and I have talked about it, and we really think the plan is that she will move in with me, probably by about Christmas. I know the new relationship is all shiny and bright, and that it will dull, but my lord I have a good time with her, and the sex is...very nice. We tend to drink a little too much together, but she works only sat and sun, so during the week is her time off. I'm sure a little more normal routine will curtail that.

 

Basically I guess sending the counter-offer was somehow symbolic. I don't think I was waiting for her to come back or anything, but now I don't even want to see her anymore. No interaction, no talking. Basically if she tries to initiate conversation, my response will be something along the lines of "Don't talk to me." If she continues, I'll say, "You're talking to me. Don't."

 

She has no idea what she is going to be missing.

 

So, I will be spending the next few months/year putting my life back together, acquiring furniture, making this house my own. I want a really big flat screen tv, and it is time for a new car. Mine is 7 yrs old. I don't have any credit card debt, and don't really want to start again, but I will be needing to purchase some things. I guess I can just be smart about it, you know? I don't need a big TV this week, right?

 

Anyway, I think I'm rambling, so I will stop wiht this...things are going ok, I'm not upset like I was. People are right when they say with time it will get better. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but then I realize how happy I am about so many things I had become numb to. Maybe divorce, while painful, is worth it, at least for me.

[broken hearted]

Man, it seems so much easier without kids involved. I'm really having a hard time with the kids involved, if they weren't involved, I'd surely be out dating by now! I've had several guys ask me out on a date just since I had my daughter 4 weeks ago...and these guys are just guys I've known from high school or college, I haven't even had a chance to go out and meet anyone new. But, I don't want to go out with any of them, I still feel as though I would be betraying my childen by having a relationship with someone other than their father. I'm not really quite sure how to get around that feeling bc, i have no other choice...my husband put us in this situation, it's his betrayal, not mine! I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THE DAY I AM SICKENINGLY HAPPY AGAIN! I was once at that point with my husband...

 

So happy for you Lupa, I wish I was in your shoes! Not to mention...it's been since April since I've had sex.........poor me! I haven't got more than probably 2 weeks since I was 15 years old...my husband and I had amazing sex!!!