Apart and shaken

[lupa]

Well, I can tell I'm doing better now, because I played in a golf outing today and just kicked ass. I wasn't sad on the golf course...I wasn't unhappy. I was thinking about the gf instead of the wife.

 

As for the "marking of territory" thing, i can tell you that it wasn't planned out, but it let me turn the knife a little in response to getting trampled on. I'm not pursuing anything, but i'm done being nice. I set out the paperwork for her that she used to completely try to screw me over...sex up against her grandfather's desk is a little comeuppance. Just a little.

 

Anyway, I am trying to maintain my dignity through this...but having never been here before, emotion is king. I'll learn through this to be John Wayne cool, but even that will take time.

[lupa]

Well...the thing with the girlfriend is waaaaaaaaaay outta control, in the good way.

 

She was a little drunk last night, and said to me, "I love you, I've loved you for years, I've thought about you a lot over time, and I want to love you forever."

 

...I know what she means, i feel it to, and now I don't know what to do. I mean, I know what I want to do. This would all have been easier if I never knew her before.

 

What to do, what to do, what to do...?

[MrMayI]

that's tough, man, but not bad at all. i'm out of this one, though . no answer.

[Gunny376]

Well...the thing with the girlfriend is waaaaaaaaaay outta control, in the good way.

 

She was a little drunk last night, and said to me, "I love you, I've loved you for years, I've thought about you a lot over time, and I want to love you forever."

 

...I know what she means, i feel it to, and now I don't know what to do. I mean, I know what I want to do. This would all have been easier if I never knew her before.

 

What to do, what to do, what to do...?

 

Take it SLOW!

 

There's no rush.

 

Sounds like to me the STBXW isn't coming back and the GF isn't going anywhere.

 

Ordinarily I would say the GF was "re-bound" (and she may be?) thing is? You and her already have 'history' together.

[lupa]

Take it SLOW!

 

There's no rush.

 

Sounds like to me the STBXW isn't coming back and the GF isn't going anywhere.

 

Ordinarily I would say the GF was "re-bound" (and she may be?) thing is? You and her already have 'history' together.

Yeah, I don't think she is rebound, but I have all these emotions blasting around in my head. I dreamed about my wife last night...not in a good way, not in a bad way. She was just there, which kinda describes the last year of my marriage in a lot of ways. Her "friend" (the one she swears nothing is happening, the one who used to be my friend, too) was in the dream, too, and I asked him to give me a reason to not kill him. He couldn't.

 

I can't get rid of my wife, I can't get her out of my thoughts. I'm sure this is normal, but i'd love to just kick her ass out of my world entirely and let the girlfriend in.

 

I could love this woman, and I'm sure somewhere in there I do already (I know I did).

 

But yeah...slow slow slow. I'll try.

[LisaUk]

I have no answer to this Lupa. I think you just have to wade it out, perhaps the dream about your w is your minds way of trying to let you know she is not out of your system, which you have said yourself, so go slow!

[lupa]

I'ma kill my mother. lol.

 

Yesterday the folks had a Labor Day picnic, couple of their neighbors, my aunt, uncle, grandmother, cousins, the girlfriend, and my buddy and his wife.

 

we were all out back on the patio, talking, having some drinks, and my mom asks the girlfriend to help her prepare some food. She goes inside, and the task she is given is completely unnecessary, so she knows what is coming next:

 

"You know, he has just been through a lot, and he really cares about you."

 

"I know."

 

"This isn't going to be easy, she hurt all of us."

 

"I know."

 

"And he told me the last time you were together, you broke his heart."

 

First of all, I never said that...I said i was really disappointed that it didn't work out the last time because I really liked her. Secondly, never let your mother drink Cosmos and then corner your new girlfriend in the midst of your divorce.

 

It was fine, the girlfriend didn't freak out, but for the love of god, mom, i don't need any help!

 

We were joking about it later...and as we were she told me again that she loves me. I responded,

 

"[girlfriend name], I am falling in love with you. I am overwhelmed by your beauty and passion, and you have brought light back to my eyes. I am in a difficult place in my world and you are the best thing that could have happened...I plan on gazing into your gorgeous eyes for a long, long time, and I want us to do it right this time. You and I don't know 'slow' we both know that, we don't understand taking our time, so I want you to know that even though the next few months are going to be painful, I am glad you will be with me, you make everything ok. When we get through this there is nothing stopping us."

 

She started crying, in the good way.

 

I don't think I said, "I love you" just yet, but that is real damned close.

 

 

 

...so when I woke up this morning, why did I miss my wife? At least this time I was smart enough to open my eyes, look over, and see this beautiful woman laying there (naked, god she's hot), sleeping peacefully. I couldn't help myself, I reached over and kissed her, and she rolled over to then slid back against me. I never cuddled anyone in my life...i never liked it. I laid there with her and fell back asleep for a while, smiling. yes, I'm torn. yes, I meant my marriage vows forever, and my wife just destroyed something beautiful. Yes, this timing couldn't possibly be any worse.

 

And yes, if she and I make it through this, we are going to make it through anything.

[MrMayI]

hang in there, lupa. i'm sure the girlfriend understands that you cannot just immediately turn off what you had with your wife. in most cases, the person who's in your situation wouldn't dare admit what they're feeling towards the past. the gf is obviously very secure.

[lupa]

hang in there, lupa. i'm sure the girlfriend understands that you cannot just immediately turn off what you had with your wife. in most cases, the person who's in your situation wouldn't dare admit what they're feeling towards the past. the gf is obviously very secure.

Corny as it sounds...when we look in each others' eyes, the world melts away.

[lupa]

Newflash!

 

This woman (girlfriend) woke up this morning, looked me in the eyes, and said, "I am so excited to go to the Steelers game with you tonight!"

 

I almost proposed right on the spot.

[LisaUk]

Newflash!

 

This woman (girlfriend) woke up this morning, looked me in the eyes, and said, "I am so excited to go to the Steelers game with you tonight!"

 

I almost proposed right on the spot.

 

That is what's known as bigamy Lupa! LOL No seriously, pleased to hear it is all going well. LOL at your Mom and the "here chop some tomatos" conversation!

[trippi1432]

LOL! The Mom thing was hilarious!!

 

I hope one day I get to where you are Lupa...just keep working on moving on with the thoughts about the wife...they will get fewer and far between. The important thing is to be happy.

[LovieDove24]

...so when I woke up this morning, why did I miss my wife? At least this time I was smart enough to open my eyes, look over, and see this beautiful woman laying there (naked, god she's hot), sleeping peacefully. I couldn't help myself, I reached over and kissed her, and she rolled over to then slid back against me. I never cuddled anyone in my life...i never liked it. I laid there with her and fell back asleep for a while, smiling. yes, I'm torn. yes, I meant my marriage vows forever, and my wife just destroyed something beautiful. Yes, this timing couldn't possibly be any worse.

 

And yes, if she and I make it through this, we are going to make it through anything.

 

Eeesh. This really does have rebound written all over it. Regardless of if you've known this girl already, dated her before--whatever--you need to have space all to yourself right now. You cannot, I repeat, CANNOT give your whole heart to another while you are still in such a confused place. I have been in the position of dating a man out of a serious relationship only a few months after his breakup, and believe me, the end wasn't worth all the butterflies we felt in the beginning. I ended up feeling used and abused. While I was saying I love you, he was telling me the same crap you were. Sure he may have had loving feelings BUT ITS JUST NOT THE SAME. Prepare yourself for retroactive karma: There is a very high chance you will break this girls heart as swiftly and crappily as your wife did you. What goes around does come around but not necessarily always in the way we think.

[lupa]

Well, I still say I'm not sure this is rebound. I wanted her for so long, I wanted this for so long. I even thought about her during the marriage, not seriously, but more like flights of fancy.

 

Maybe this is what was supposed to happen.

[tojaz]

It is what it is Lupa. Just enjoy it, protect your heart and hers. Whatever it is to become will develop in time. Nobody writes down the rules for these things, you make them up as you go.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Oh geez. I find myself writing love letters to the girlfriend. I haven't sent them, but I'm writing them...I never did this with my wife.

 

What I felt for my wife was admiration, respect, care, love.

 

What I feel for this woman (and did in the past) is passion, excitement, danger and love.

 

Maybe this is why my marriage failed. I don't know.

[ryepatch]

like tojaz just said, you make up the rules as you go along in a relationship. my wife and i wrote love notes to each other every day. . . even the note she left me the day she left was a love note. didn't save us, at least yet.

 

with the danger and excitement, that's hard to keep going in a marriage. after the first five years, we settled down, got comfortable, and it kind of destroyed us that way.

 

what's the solution? i don't know.

 

it's so great you have passion in your life. at the very least it's a useful and pleasant distraction, one you're lucky to have. it could be that this is the beginning of your real marriage.

 

i'm not there. i can't imagine it. but it'd be nice to have somebody to be with during this time.

 

i'm trying to be grateful for the friends i do have (mostly long distance), who have supported me. we've all got to be grateful for whatever isn't effed up in our lives these days.

[lupa]

like tojaz just said, you make up the rules as you go along in a relationship. my wife and i wrote love notes to each other every day. . . even the note she left me the day she left was a love note. didn't save us, at least yet.

 

with the danger and excitement, that's hard to keep going in a marriage. after the first five years, we settled down, got comfortable, and it kind of destroyed us that way.

 

what's the solution? i don't know.

 

it's so great you have passion in your life. at the very least it's a useful and pleasant distraction, one you're lucky to have. it could be that this is the beginning of your real marriage.

 

i'm not there. i can't imagine it. but it'd be nice to have somebody to be with during this time.

 

i'm trying to be grateful for the friends i do have (mostly long distance), who have supported me. we've all got to be grateful for whatever isn't effed up in our lives these days.

Well, I'm not a smart man, but I do know what love is.

 

/forrest gump

 

 

I'm in love. The problem is I'm also very raw and hurt, so I'm really lining myself up to possibly be hurt again. Crazy that I'm so willing...but I do love th girlfriend. I have for so long, and it feels so natural, that I'm almost certain (like 99%) that this has nothing to do with rebounding.

 

Boy, she could just crush me, but I trust her wholeheartedly.

[lupa]

 

Boy, she could just crush me, but I trust her wholeheartedly.

That funny, lupa, because you were just thinking today about how you can't 100% trust anyone anymore.

 

Hmm...I hate this whole thing, and I'm so mad at my wife for ruining the nice life we had together.

[MrMayI]

That funny, lupa, because you were just thinking today about how you can't 100% trust anyone anymore.

 

Hmm...I hate this whole thing, and I'm so mad at my wife for ruining the nice life we had together.

 

me too, buddy. dude, you've seen a picture of me. her old friend that was with her yesterday is my total doppleganger.

[lupa]

me too, buddy. dude, you've seen a picture of me. her old friend that was with her yesterday is my total doppleganger.

That you used the word "doppleganger" makes me love you that much more.

 

 

...as for mine, I haven't heard a damned thing about her in weeks. One friend saw her out at a restaurant, and she was with the two roommates that were part of our group. He said she looked ok, not real happy or anything...just there. I don't know. I don't know what the problem was, because we would be laughing and smiling and talking at the restaurant together. I can't wrap my little brain around why she would rather be alone than having a nice time with me. I asked the friend if she was "with" the other guy in any way, and he said they barely even talked to each other the entire time they were there. I almost wish they were together so I could just get mad and hate her. Instead, I'm totally confused and can't get closure.

 

I wrote her that email that apologized for hurting her, asking what went wrong, and all I got back was "the only reason I can see for your doing this is to hurt me."

 

It is like she has developed such hatred for me that whatever I do, it has the opposite reaction from what is appropriate. Maybe if I told what what a b*tch she is, she'd come crawling back...lol. That would be terrible now.

 

So...now that my nice life that I was building for her, for us, is completely shattered and in pieces...well, how in the hell do I go about letting another person actually IN?

 

I know I care very deeply for the girlfriend, but how can i trust anyone?

 

my head is spinning from this. I hate it so much.

[singledad2]

I wrote her that email that apologized for hurting her, asking what went wrong, and all I got back was "the only reason I can see for your doing this is to hurt me."

 

 

Well, you have done your part as far as the man upstairs goes and you can count on the fact that he forgives you for your part as long as you learn what you needed to for next time. take comfort in that.

[ryepatch]

It is like she has developed such hatred for me that whatever I do, it has the opposite reaction from what is appropriate. Maybe if I told what what a b*tch she is, she'd come crawling back...lol. That would be terrible now.

 

same over here. maybe i should try that, too. . . reverse psychology.

[tojaz]

I almost wish they were together so I could just get mad and hate her. Instead, I'm totally confused and can't get closure.

 

It is like she has developed such hatred for me that whatever I do, it has the opposite reaction from what is appropriate. Maybe if I told what what a b*tch she is, she'd come crawling back...lol. That would be terrible now.

 

So...now that my nice life that I was building for her, for us, is completely shattered and in pieces...well, how in the hell do I go about letting another person actually IN?

Welcome to my crazy F***ING WORLD LUPA!!!! That is exactly how i feel most days. Not knowing why is the hardest part, and knowing that I spent thirteen years building a life around her just so she could walk away from it all is the most painful.

 

same over here. maybe i should try that, too. . . reverse psychology.

Been there, failed at that.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

So the girlfriend and I were talking a little about me finding a new house. What I do is really contingent upon a couple of things, not the least of which is what my lawyer puts together (and I haven't seen anything yet, I'm getting really impatient, as I was supposed to have it last Friday). Should his number come in high to pay her off to get her out of my life, I'm going to insist that we list and sell the house, splitting the proceeds, as I think the appraisal being used is too high in this market. I don't want her to get a damned red cent more than she has to, as this whole thing is BS (bullsh*t).

 

Anyway, I was talking to the girlfriend, and said something like, "Boy, I wish I could get this over and done with so I can be happy. No, wait, that's not it. I am happy, but I'm also a little stressed about it all the time."

 

She said, "You are so much happier than you were even a couple weeks ago. I'm here for you, baby. I'll help you get through this, and you will, and we can be happy."

 

Then she said, get this:

 

"I'm real sorry you have to go through this, but it is a good thing you are. Now WE can be together, like we always should have been. I love you [lupa]."

 

It sounded terrible, but was so sweet in what she tried to say that I laughed, she laughed, we hugged, kissed...crazy monkey sex...went to bed.

 

Going no contact got me over the addiction of needing to talk to the wife every day. It has really reduced the amount of pain I'm in. It lets me see that there is a great life out there waiting for me that doesn't involve her.

 

It, however, has completely eliminated any chance of me getting closure, and I think there is no real impetus for the wife to talk to me at all. She is doing the ol' "out of sight, out of mind" thing, and that is how she is managing to live...if I were to guess, based on 7 yrs together. She can't function with dealing with pain and stress, and instead runs from it. So...I'm never going to get closure.

 

I guess one day I'll run into her, years down the line, and i'll just smile a sad, slow smile, and then walk away. That is her choice, not mine, but that is the way it is going to be.