Apart and shaken

[tojaz]

Just to play it safe, if I ever get pulled over in 'Bama, I'm not going to ask about alternative payment options!:confused:

[lupa]

I LIKE THIS LAW!!!

 

 

Can someone please explain the proper Law Enforcement use of a vibrator in as little detail as possible??

 

 

Lol...this thread is hilarious now.

 

I can come up with some applications for extra large vibrators that might encourage criminals to comply. Some might see it as punishment, some may see it as reward, but either way, things will get accomplished.

 

 

 

...I packed all the remaining clothes my wife has here yesterday into bags. I cried, and have been sad since.

 

Then I went out with the girlfriend last night, and we had a wonderful evening...her good friend just broke up with his girlfriend of three years that day, and he tagged along, and I can see him doing all this crazy sh*t that we did, I did. I tried to help him, but I was also trying to be subtle. He needs to learn a few lessons for himself along the way.

 

I have such a good time with the girlfriend, but I'm having a tough time fully opening up. I mean, like in the first 10 minutes when I get there, I'm still a little uncomfortable. Then I'm fine...but it is a trust thing. I've never been this way before, and I'm wondering how long it will last.

 

She picks up on it a little, and says some things, not in a bad way or anything, but she says some things every once in awhile that hint she knows.

 

But I think we'll be ok. My friends really like her, so I'm psyched about that.

 

Anyway...football day! Yes!

 

Take care all.

[tojaz]

Lol...this thread is hilarious now.

 

I can come up with some applications for extra large vibrators that might encourage criminals to comply. Some might see it as punishment, some may see it as reward, but either way, things will get accomplished.

 

I don't think I'll ever look at a night stick the same way again! LOL

 

 

 

...I packed all the remaining clothes my wife has here yesterday into bags. I cried, and have been sad since.

 

Then I went out with the girlfriend last night, and we had a wonderful evening...her good friend just broke up with his girlfriend of three years that day, and he tagged along, and I can see him doing all this crazy sh*t that we did, I did. I tried to help him, but I was also trying to be subtle. He needs to learn a few lessons for himself along the way.

 

I have such a good time with the girlfriend, but I'm having a tough time fully opening up. I mean, like in the first 10 minutes when I get there, I'm still a little uncomfortable. Then I'm fine...but it is a trust thing. I've never been this way before, and I'm wondering how long it will last.

 

She picks up on it a little, and says some things, not in a bad way or anything, but she says some things every once in awhile that hint she knows.

 

But I think we'll be ok. My friends really like her, so I'm psyched about that.

 

Anyway...football day! Yes!

 

Take care all.

 

You've been betrayed Lups, your going to have trust issues for awhile! It's expected and I'm sure she understands. The Gf and women in general are going to have to try harder to earn your trust now.

TOJAZ

[floridapad]

Trust will definately take time for all of us. I do have a question though. Do you tell the GF's about the wife cheating. I have read different takes on this and I'm curious to know for those of you who did tell the GF up front, what was their reaction, how did they handle it. How long did it take you to tell them? Thanks

[lupa]

Trust will definately take time for all of us. I do have a question though. Do you tell the GF's about the wife cheating. I have read different takes on this and I'm curious to know for those of you who did tell the GF up front, what was their reaction, how did they handle it. How long did it take you to tell them? Thanks

Well, I talked to my girlfriend about my wife having an online "relationship" while she was at home all day long, but the girlfriend kinda changes the subject. She really doesn't want to talk about my past relationship at all. It befuddles me a bit, but I can respect her wishes for it to be a clean start.

 

Of course I have baggage, though, so it is difficult.

 

Sometimes I think it would be a sign of weakness if I bring this up too much, but other times I want to get it out. Shoot, I don't even know if my wife cheated or not, though as I've said here, I'd be fine if she did, because then I wouldn't need closure from her, I'd just know she was a cheating whore.

 

I want to rely on my girlfriend for strength sometimes, but that pushes her away. Instead what I've been trying to do is just feel her love, and take the strength from down deep in myself (and post like crazy here, you people are friggin great).

 

I don't know if I've been much help, but I think what I'm trying to say is float the idea a little, hint that it won't be tolerated, and move on, showing stoicism. If you need to get something out, that's what this place is for.

 

I think.

 

So exhausting, this whole thing...

[phineas]

Trust will definately take time for all of us. I do have a question though. Do you tell the GF's about the wife cheating. I have read different takes on this and I'm curious to know for those of you who did tell the GF up front, what was their reaction, how did they handle it. How long did it take you to tell them? Thanks

 

Not a GF,(maybe a future GF) just someone who appears interested & sounds like she is willing to wait around until my divorce is final or at least continue spending time with me when my schedule permits to see if we like each other.

 

We wound up hanging out at my place for a little over the weekend & talked.

She asked a lot of questions about my marriage & seperation. It didn't bother me to talk about it & I answered truthfully.

 

to me, a woman wouldn't ask me so many questions if she didn't see me as relationship potential so i'm not going to hide anything about that aspect of my life from her.

 

I also kept my answers as short & concise as possible so I didn't sound like I was going off on a rant.

 

I think that part is important.

[MrMayI]

just keep running with it, lupa, and posting your pain here. i'm still in a bit of pain, and don't know if you read in my thread, but i'm on the bus with the nuns and i'm taking a 21 year old hottie with me for now. i'll never let this girl get hurt if i can help it, but she's aware of where i am and that attaching to me is a no no for now.

[lupa]

Ok, big, life-altering kinda decision needs to be made, potentially:

 

Should I sit down with the girlfriend and have a true heart-to-heart about what I am going through, where I am, or should I not involve her and weather this storm on my own (with the help from here, of course)?

 

I know she would be understanding, but she'd see how really weak I am...whereas I know one day in the future I will be strong again, and I want her with me. I understand I need to deal with the emotions, but does she have to, too?

 

I'm going to have to start making life plans again....selling my house, finding a place to move to, etc. These kinds of things can all be influenced by the potential for a relationship with her, especially because her work is like 40 miles from mine. we'd have to split the difference, but if we're NOT going to be together, I don't have to move that far away.

 

So, on the one hand, i'm forced to have the "where are we going" conversation, even though we've hinted at it already, but on the other, I feel like I should live my life for me.

 

Whatever happens, I certainly don't want to freaking move twice. That would be a nightmare.

 

This whole thing just exhausts me. I cannot be comfortable in my own house anymore, I cannot be comfortable staying at hers because I have responsibilities at home. I just cannot get comfortable, and I am tired.

[SRV]

Try to minimize the talk about your past/present situation with her. It might make her feel that she is somewhat and only a crutch for you during this tenuous time. Just my opinion, I might be wrong.

 

A suggestion, as earlier posted here from the likes of Gunny, in due fairness to her and yourself, maybe reconsider slowing down with her and the relationship until you are through this divorce phase of your life. It kind of mitigates the mudding of waters, either way, good luck !

[lupa]

Try to minimize the talk about your past/present situation with her. It might make her feel that she is somewhat and only a crutch for you during this tenuous time. Just my opinion, I might be wrong.

 

A suggestion, as earlier posted here from the likes of Gunny, in due fairness to her and yourself, maybe reconsider slowing down with her and the relationship until you are through this divorce phase of your life. It kind of mitigates the mudding of waters, either way, good luck !

Thanks for the thoughts...and you are probably right, I should avoid "talks" as much as possible right now.

 

However, the problem is that I need to make life decisions, like very soon, and she could be a part of them...I think that I'm on board with not talking about the pain of the divorce and what my wife is doing, but we are certainly going to have to talk about where we are and where we might be going.

 

When I said I need to look for houses, she said something like, "I'd love to help." Not like "oh I have nice taste let me help you" but more like "I'm probably going to be living there, too, so let's check it out together."

 

I hope this next statement makes sense -- there are days where falling down this rabbit hole of a divorce and making a new life are invigorating and give me such a feeling of being alive, and there are other days where it just wears me the hell out. This is one of the wears me out days.

 

I won't talk to her about my wife/divorce, or at least i will limit it as much as I can. However, we are going to have to figure out where we are and where we're going...

[delajoonal]

hey lupa..

 

ok...mpov....

 

counseling...if this R is getting serious with the GF...and there are issues of being able to speak freely about your current marital status...that is not fair to either one of you..

 

you need to vent, rely, depend, and trust this GF with ALL your problems...good bad the ugly...

 

your GF also needs to be able to vent, etc. and also KNOW she is NOT a crutch or rebound, etc...

 

and you have to find a way to let her know..while you are in this R with her and HAPPY..you also need to find a new home, as part of your recovery and moving on phase...and that does NOT include HER/GF moving in with you...really, does she think that for real???? after only what a month???

 

so, ya, its time..if you two are serious now..if you lupa are serious...then yes...counseling is most def the next step.

 

because if you have these days where you feel trapped and cant' say how you really for, for fear of hurting gf...not fair to you, IT will build, resentment will kick in...ack..big ol' mess.

 

and the gf..well, i called that one a month back..remember...

i told you she is going to want to KNOW where she stands...and prolly almost everyday too right? something in someway, said or done, she is eluding to her saftey in this relationship???

 

counseling would be the perfect forum to let her know..w/o, actually making it look like you are saying 'well, hey, i am having a great time with you, but there are days, i can't figure out where my head is in my marriage?also, NO i don't want to live with you yet!'

 

see, this way, the counseler will bring up these questions, more than likely in a certain way so as to protect gf's feelings and possibly give you LUPA, a way to feel like your shoulders aren't up under your ears...you know what i mean, right.? that stressed out neck feeling...

 

this way ALL the feelings and thoughts and future can come out and will make for a more comfortable R.

 

ok..so i hope all that came out right and i didn't step on your handsome little toes:eek:

 

i m curious as to what other LS members think?

especially the ones in our huhum..little group...tee hee;)

 

keep us posted lupa

 

im always here..PM me if you need to chat.

[lupa]

Well, really dela, the only part you got a little off was that...well, I want her to move in with me. I'd welcome that, as i am falling in love with her again. She and I were made for each other in so many ways.

 

For me, for this, the problem is timing. Things that should take months are happening in days, while things that should be quick (ie, divorce settlement) are being dragged out. I know and understand why she doesn't want to talk about my wife...I made some comment about my wife calling me "selfish" and how the "whole relationship was about me" and the girlfriend said,

 

"Look, honey, I don't care what [wife] thinks. I think she made a big mistake, but that's her problem. Not yours, not mine, hers."

 

She went on to say something like she can listen if I need to talk, but really why stress about something that is done?

 

I think it is her defense mechanism against being abandoned or something, and i'm ok with that. Would you really want to hear about how your new love's ex hurt them, and still was hurting them? I wouldn't, I would want them lost in my gaze.

 

So, i can understand her position, and like I said the first night I saw her...the timing could not be worse, but it is also great. Even though that water is right up to my neck, i'm staying out ahead of it and not drowning...this is going to take a lot of work, but i think I can do it.

 

Also, I'd like to point out that it isn't so much that I WANT to say things to her, it is that sometimes this pain is a lot to carry as a burden, but I could also toughen up a little. I can come here, dump it to you guys (thanks for that), and go back to her strong, refreshed.

 

I wrote the girlfriend a letter 7 yrs ago that said I was in love with her and wanted to be with her forever, when she was ready. I walked away. Fast forward to today, and now I am getting what I wanted so long ago...so i'm in that position of not wanting to let it slip through my fingers one more time. I can have the strength to make it happen, I think, and I think one of the things i just am not going to do is use her as a crutch to get over my wife.

 

I will, however, need to talk to her about where we are going in the short term. I need to plan for her to be a part of my life, my home, because that is where this is going.

 

I might be rambling now...

[MrMayI]

i think you've got it dude. you're not far from winning the race. i think the GF knows what you're going through, and it probably does pain her a bit to know you are still thinking of the stbx. she also likely understands there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening, because your actions towards her in all probability show her you don't mean to hold on to those memories. it's almost innate feeling. we have to remember that it's not. i found myself last night briefly telling myself the new interest is way, way too similar to my ex. it could be true, but i think if i look hard enough, i could probably find that in every woman i interact with, for the rest of my life. we're on a long and winding road, my friend. there's nothing we can do to stop it.

 

i have to tell you though, kissing a woman and then having her look deeply at you is an amazing feeling. i'd forgotten that. i now understand why the ex felt the passion was gone.

[lupa]

 

i have to tell you though, kissing a woman and then having her look deeply at you is an amazing feeling. i'd forgotten that. i now understand why the ex felt the passion was gone.

Oh man, you are so right on this one. I hadn't kissed my wife like I do now with the girlfriend in a long time.

 

Funny how all the signs are there about how it wasn't right, but it still hurts anyway.

 

Hmm.

[Gunny376]

;)None of us are cactus?

 

We all need to be touched!

[tojaz]

and now I am getting what I wanted so long ago...so i'm in that position of not wanting to let it slip through my fingers one more time. I can have the strength to make it happen, I think, and I think one of the things i just am not going to do is use her as a crutch to get over my wife.

 

Tell her that! I think thats what shes fishing for!

 

I'll tell you this on talking to her. If you feel that you have to edit yourself or don't feel 100% safe sharing what you want/need to with her, then you aint ready to be looking at houses etc. that simple. a mate, a love is someone you feel comfortable sharing your life with, the good and the bad. If there are things you don't feel you can talk to her about, then your not there yet.

TOJAZ

[delajoonal]

ok..seems i misread some of your post lupa...

but i am so HAPPY that YOU R HAPPY!!!!:bunny:

 

just trying to help...i guessi better read and re-read before i respond..huh?..LOL

 

well, sounds like you got it all under control...but we are all still here for you..like u said..to vent or whatever, so you don't bring it to the GF.

 

as for passion...yes, with someone new..there is ALWAYS going to be passion...

the trick is to KEEP it going thru the years..

 

funny, my H and i did...we still kissed like high school kids, we still were great together in huhumm bed...TMI...everything the way it was..if NOT better, then 14 years ago..

 

so that is ONE issue i am really still baffled with..adn why he left for his onine EA...????

 

anyway..i think GUNNY posted IT a while back..

 

DATE YOUR MATE!

 

you gotta keep bringing flowers...going to dinner...buy her a new black cocktail dress with strappy pumps...my H did that for me for years...always something pretty and new to go out in...

 

he was really good about that...spoiled me rotten...

 

well, i am not sure what to do dif in my next R..cause i thought i did everything right in this one..???

 

i guess communicate more...i am not sure...i know i made some mistakes...i have dealt with them, made amends with my self...tried to with my H..he is to far gone...dufus idiot man!

 

well...i am rambling too now..LOL

 

that is why I LOVE THIS THREAD..its kinda our groups 'Free For All...LOL...

 

thanks everyone..

 

luv N hugs..always..

[MrMayI]

lupa, i'm proud of you. of us. all of us.

i can't believe where we all are. as bad as it may read, i'm happy to see what our "problems" have become. we're on the edge man. we're ready to leave the ex's or stbx's in the rearview. we're ****ing bound for something new. better. let's go!

[MrMayI]

also, lisa, i miss you. come here and give at least an update.

[tojaz]

also, lisa, i miss you. come here and give at least an update.

 

Shes alright MayI, just really busy and overwhelmed with school, she gave a big presentation today but says she did well despite being really nervous about it last night.. I'm sure once she adjusts to college life a little bit, she'll go back to checking in more.

[lupa]

we're ****ing bound for something new. better. let's go!

For whatever reason, when I read this I pictured looking in the rearview mirror, pulling out of some podunk town, seeing the ex standing there, not really watching me go...just standing there. Bittersweet, but uplifting.

 

 

As for everyone -- thank you all for the advice, on both sides of it. I need to hear the "go for it" and much as I need to hear "make sure you can be 100% open." I am constantly stunned how much this group of people have influenced my life in the last three months (three months, that's all it's been!), and how I'm going to be taking a piece of everyone with me wherever I go from here.

 

I'm going to be true and honest with this woman, who I now have no doubt will end up as something WAY more than a girlfriend...with time, lotsa time, don't worry...but i don't need to unload the unhappy stuff on her. I can be that stoic person that I talked about oh so long ago, Mr Cool Ice, John Wayne, but give her my entire heart. I can deal with my pain in other ways...with my family, with my LS family, with my friends, with myself. I'm not burying it, but instead I will give her all of the good and none of the bad.

 

I'm not falling for her...that happened years ago. I thought about her periodically during my marriage. I wondered what she was up to. I already fell for her, hard. Now, I'm in love.

 

I'll say this, damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead! If I get hurt, I get hurt for trying, not being distant and aloof, which is why I got hurt the last time.

 

You people rock, that's all I can say.

 

[lupa]

EMERGENCY VENTING REQUIRED!!!:

 

my original court date for the spousal support hearing was supposed to be tomorrow. My lawyer informed me over the phone that we were going to get a continuance. It occurred to me that I haven't received anything from the court stating as much, and I started to stress out. So, I called my lawyer like 5 hours ago, asking that he confirm the continuance, as they do threaten the issuance of a warrant for not showing up.

 

I haven't heard back from him yet, and I'm starting panic.

 

Why in the holy hell should I have to call the court to confirm this? What am I paying this man for?

 

I know he does this every day, and this is nothing to get excited about, but I don't. It would be a two second conversation:

 

"Hello, Mr Lawyer Man, I know you told me last week we would have a continuance, but it occurred to me that the court hasn't sent me anything about it. Should I worry?"

 

"No, my dear Lupa, you shouldn't worry at all. I have it all under control."

 

"Thanks, Mr Lawyer Man."

 

TEN FREAKING SECONDS.

 

I'm a little unhappy right now.

 

Grr.

[MrMayI]

breathe lupa, lol. sorry. okay man. you NEED to call your attorney today to make sure of this. if he just filed in a continuance, the judge may or may not grant it. he owes you the answer just like you're probably going to owe him a lot of money.

[lupa]

breathe lupa, lol. sorry. okay man. you NEED to call your attorney today to make sure of this. if he just filed in a continuance, the judge may or may not grant it. he owes you the answer just like you're probably going to owe him a lot of money.

Well, i just got off the phone with him, AFTER I called the court and they told me I'm still on the docket.

 

He said he spoke with my wife's attorney, and everything is under control. I thought that was interesting, because I didn't know that pit viper had the power to grant a continuance, I thought it was the judge.

 

I have a bad feeling about this.

 

I may just show up at the courthouse tomorrow and observe what is going on. I don't like it.

[MrMayI]

Well, i just got off the phone with him, AFTER I called the court and they told me I'm still on the docket.

 

He said he spoke with my wife's attorney, and everything is under control. I thought that was interesting, because I didn't know that pit viper had the power to grant a continuance, I thought it was the judge.

 

I have a bad feeling about this.

 

I may just show up at the courthouse tomorrow and observe what is going on. I don't like it.

 

you just may want to do that. i can tell you though, i work very closely with the courts and things like that happen a lot. if the attorneys are in agreement, then it'll get continued without a doubt. i don't blame you for wanting to go there and make sure though. i'd do the same thing.