Owl Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I have a question for the guys on here helping me out. What are the symptoms of withdrawl I have noticed that since my wife and I talked on Monday night there has been a significant decrease in cell phone contact with the OM. Minimal text messages and no calls what so ever. She has not told me that she has cut off contact or clearly stated to me that what ever relationship the two of them had is over but she has been very quiet not really talking to me that much and she seems to be picking fights with me, being generally pissy and going from happy to pissed on the drop of a hat. Our neighbors were over last night to watch the hockey game and he noticed it all night. He told me he couldn't believe how my wife was treating me being generally mean to me all night long. Like I said I am not sure if this anger toward me is brought on by withdrawl, or could it possibly a manifestation of the guilt she is experiencing right now This COULD be the very start of withdrawl. I'd tell you that it's impossible to know until things progress, or she admits that she's NC with OM now. Typically withdrawl is accompanied by extreme depression, anxiety, and an 'edginess" something like you described. She's willing to pick a fight at the drop of a pin...no matter WHAT your response is on a subject, you went the wrong way. NOTHING you do will be right. But the depression will be the biggest indicator. Crying, extreme moodiness, lethargy, etc... Anxiety attacks when the reality that the affair is over hits...sudden bursts of emotion after long periods of that lethargy...sudden doubts over herself, the future, etc... Anger with you for "ruining her life", "controlling her", etc... will also be part of it. Basically, just pick up an old copy of "The Exorcist" and watch what Linda Blair does there...it'll look a lot like that. Just kidding...but you get the idea. If she's not deeply depressed, and not suffering crying bouts and anger...she's probably not in withdrawl.
daveo679 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I had a similar situation a few years back, fairly over it now, especially as I have lived in Thailand now for a few years, a new adventure and restarted my life again, the Golf is great, the food is great, the climate is great, what more can I say, oh yes the nightlife here in Pattaya is great too.
amerikajin Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I would say she would be unhappy that the person who made her happy is not able to anymore. You have to take over now and make her happy. What did she get from this other relationship, was it compliments for instance, attention, feeling wanted. If you want this to work, you have to find out what is missing. I think she would be angry that you have stopped her feeling happy, in a screwed up way, the relationship with you has to change. But everyone reacts differently, it would be hard to say. When she is indifferent to you however I think that is when to worry. It is not up to Shocked to make his wife happy. The fact is that the only person who can make her happy is herself -- she has to start taking responsibility for her own happiness. I would agree that Shocked has a responsibility to take a good hard look at what his own contributions to this mess are, but that responsibility is not his alone; it's a joint effort. It has to be at all times. I suspect the real reason she is withdrawing right now is because she is confused and doesn't know how to feel. If I had to guess, I suspect this is the first time that she has had to confront the fact that she has messed up. Like I said before, she can live in denial for only so long. She can tell herself that the OP doesn't understand her, and she can even tell herself that the OP's in-laws and friends are now turning against her because the OP must have obviously conspired to do so. But when the a neutral third party tells her that she needs to start taking a good, hard look at herself...that's probably when it begins to sink in: maybe she isn't this innocent little girl after all. Maybe she's f*cked up the relationship quite a bit on her own. Even now, I bet she's still probably telling herself "Whatever! The therapist doesn't know -- he's not there! I have to live with him every day, so I'm the only one who really knows what's happening to me!" The counselor is already prepared to deal with this attitude, because he/she has dealt with it a million times already. The counselor is a good mental chess player, always thinking several moves ahead of her. He will not let her wiggle her way out of this. The problem is, the counselor can only help his wife (and the OP for that matter) if they are both willing to go in for counseling. If the wife doesn't want to hear about her faults, if she's that damned vain, then the marriage will fail. But at least the OP will know that he tried to make it work, and that she just quit on the marriage. He wouldn't want to be married to a quitter anyway...who would? Marriage, after all, isn't for quitters.
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Looks like I may have jumped the gun on withdraw. I just took a look at the cell phone usage and she was texting him yesterday when I was out cutting the grass and attending the subdivision committee meeting and and not around her. I have come to the conclusion that she is still trying to put things on me to defend her actions. I was floored when she told me "If i was so intent on working on the marriage I should have helper her out and done a load of laundry this weekend" 1st - She has never asked me to do laundry and any time I offered she has not let me do it. I did it once and she got pissed because I did it the wrong way. 2nd - At what point between painting the front room, cutting the grass, weeding the lawn, trimming the hedges, and weeding the landscaping was I supposed to do the laundry. 3rd - She was really busy this weekend between shopping with her mom and sister Saturday, and sleeping most of the day Sunday. I will credit her for helping put the first coat on the living room Saturday morning. I am looking for a lawyer right now but I am so confused on how this whole process works. I think last night might have been the last straw, for her to say that to me was just unbelievable.
amerikajin Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Looks like I may have jumped the gun on withdraw. I just took a look at the cell phone usage and she was texting him yesterday when I was out cutting the grass and attending the subdivision committee meeting and and not around her. I have come to the conclusion that she is still trying to put things on me to defend her actions. I was floored when she told me "If i was so intent on working on the marriage I should have helper her out and done a load of laundry this weekend" 1st - She has never asked me to do laundry and any time I offered she has not let me do it. I did it once and she got pissed because I did it the wrong way. 2nd - At what point between painting the front room, cutting the grass, weeding the lawn, trimming the hedges, and weeding the landscaping was I supposed to do the laundry. 3rd - She was really busy this weekend between shopping with her mom and sister Saturday, and sleeping most of the day Sunday. I will credit her for helping put the first coat on the living room Saturday morning. I am looking for a lawyer right now but I am so confused on how this whole process works. I think last night might have been the last straw, for her to say that to me was just unbelievable. As Owl said, nothing you do right now is good enough. She's not ready to deal with reality. The question is, will she ever be ready. I know I've advocated the patient approach, but I can sense that your patience is wearing thin, and who could blame you? You're taking the lead in making the effort to work on the marriage, and it is increasingly apparent to me, based on your account anyway, that she is looking for a way to justify her very destructive behavior. You may have no other choice. Do what you gotta do when you feel the time is right. Again, if it were me, I might try with a short period of separation and see what happens. The problem with that is, it might be a little harder to monitor her behavior, but I suspect you'll be able to tell what she's up to even if you're apart. You could always hire a private 'dick' if you needed to.
Reggie Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I went through something similar, the frantic attempt to try to improve the marriage(did laundry that had previously been a no-no, too.). It did no good, and you will see this is a very common phenomena. Panic mode sets in. The BS tries to appease in an attempt to win the WS back. But, you get crticism at every turn. Same with the inability of the WS to see how unfairly you are being treated. Really, the best chance you have at saving your M, if you feel it is worth it, is to play unabusive hardball. No name calling or getting pissed. It simply re-enforces their justifications. Simply act civilly, expose the affair to the family etc, get your lawyer lined up and start the process of divorce. It may very well do nothing to stop her. But, even if it does not, you preserve your dignity.
Owl Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 As I've said before...she needs to see that there is a limit on how far you can be pushed...you need to set a boundary here. Look at it this way. Women cannot be "in love" with a man that they cannot respect. They cannot respect a man who tolerates being treated like crap. Ergo...she treats you like crap...you take it because you're fighting to save the marriage...she's justified for not being in love with you because you don't act "like a man". Man up. Demonstrate to her a clear LINE that she's crossed, with definitive actions to come if she continues to violate that boundary. Show her that you ARE willing to take action here to protect yourself. That there IS a limit to what you'll tolerate from her. Tell her point blank that you will no longer tolerate her texting OM while she lives in your house. She either gets out, or stops texting him. PERIOD. If she refuses...take action to shut her cell phone down...or have her removed from the home. SET BOUNDARIES...ENFORCE THEM. It's your best bet to save your marriage, even if it seems to be the wrong tack to take.
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I have contacted a couple lawyers and I am waiting to hear back from them. I guess the only thing i need to know is does any one have any suggestions as to how I go about letting my wife know. Should I sit her down after I have more information about the divorce process, or tell her when we have marriage counseling tomorrow night? For anyone out there that has done this what is the process. Do I give her my outline of what I need from her and a time frame of when I need it from her if she wants to work on the marriage and tell her that after that point I am officially filing for divorce. Do I go a head and file and present her with the papers. What about behavior after I tell her this, I do not want to move out of the house so I am thinking about moving into a different bedroom. so many questions
jmargel Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 My wife did this the first year after we got married. If you go through my posts (in 2004) you will read page after page from all the help I got. To make a long story short, I made her face the consequences to her behavior. While she was doing this behind my back she laid out 'blanket statements' on how I didn't do this or that, how I was a <insert nasty comments here>, to how paranoid and 'crazy' I am. Things didn't change until I demanded she leave the house that I was filing. Prior to that she would often comment how she wanted to leave, but never did. I would want to 'try' and 'try' to work on the marriage, she used this to her advantage. Until one morning I demanded she leave. She was like a deer in headlights, for once she didn't know what to say. Set ultamatiums, even tell her even with MC there is no guarantee you will still want to be her husband. If you continue to tolerate this disrespect she will continue to dish it. What are you getting out of this marriage? When are you going to stop playing detective? She is STILL lying to you. Deceit is another form of a lie. Quit telling her you love her, act cold, be distant. Make her start to really thinking what life is going to be like without you. Not just words, but ACTIONS.
seibert253 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I have contacted a couple lawyers and I am waiting to hear back from them. I guess the only thing i need to know is does any one have any suggestions as to how I go about letting my wife know. Should I sit her down after I have more information about the divorce process, or tell her when we have marriage counseling tomorrow night? For anyone out there that has done this what is the process. Do I give her my outline of what I need from her and a time frame of when I need it from her if she wants to work on the marriage and tell her that after that point I am officially filing for divorce. Do I go a head and file and present her with the papers. What about behavior after I tell her this, I do not want to move out of the house so I am thinking about moving into a different bedroom. so many questions Have you ever set guidelines for the reconciling process? IE; end all contact with OM? How can she truely reconcil, and continue contact with the OM? Defeates the process. IMO enough's enough. She doesn't seem giving 100% to working things out. Her attitude with you, contacting OM. If she's not willing to work, why are you still spinning your wheels? I would tell her tonite. Honey I've tried, but your attitude toward me, and your continued contact with the OM shows me you do not intend to work toward fixing our marriage. I've contacted an attorney and am filing for divorce. She's gonna be pizzed. May yell and scream and defenantly going to blame everything on you. It's going to effect her in one of two ways. 1. Push her further away (sounds like she's already gone based upon her actions) 2. Throw the fear of the unknown into her, and may result in a WTF have I done moment. Then and only then can you two fix this. Either way, you make out better than where you are now. You can now either focus on moving on, and finding a woman who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve, or have a wife who will truely be committed to repairing your marriage. Either way it's not going to be easy. Probably the hardest thing you'll ever do. But, IMO it's time for her to sh#t or get off the pot.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 It is not up to Shocked to make his wife happy. Its not? Well thats not what the cheaters and OM/OW on this board tell us:confused: Have we been duped??
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I have contacted a couple lawyers and I am waiting to hear back from them. I guess the only thing i need to know is does any one have any suggestions as to how I go about letting my wife know. Should I sit her down after I have more information about the divorce process, or tell her when we have marriage counseling tomorrow night? I'd say bring it up in counseling. Let the therapist hear you say you have taken steps towards divorce and are weighing your options. See what happens. For anyone out there that has done this what is the process. Do I give her my outline of what I need from her and a time frame of when I need it from her if she wants to work on the marriage and tell her that after that point I am officially filing for divorce. Do I go a head and file and present her with the papers. well, everyone here would know my answer, and that would be to have her served with papers. But thats me since I don't want to be with a cheater. But if you are wanting to stay with her, for whatever reason, then I don't know whether serving her papers would be good or bad. I think a better option would be to bring up that you are in contact with attorneys at your MC session. What about behavior after I tell her this, I do not want to move out of the house so I am thinking about moving into a different bedroom. so many questions So are you wanting to see what she does by serving divorce papers, or are you wanting to go through with the divorce no matter what? Either way, why would you move out of the house? You didn't do anything to warrant you moving out. Maybe it is her that should move out if you are going through with this. And you can't force her out, but you could ask her to move. but if you move out of the house, in a divorce, you'd still be liable for all the payments. This is why I wouldn't move out. My X wanted me to. I told her that I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not the cheater, so why would I move out? Anyway, if you do get divorced and want to move out, offer to give her a quit claim deed in return for her not laying claim to an equal amount of your half the equity in the house....like your retirement, or if you relinquish the equity, she has to pay X number of marital debt off.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 She's gonna be pizzed. May yell and scream and defenantly going to blame everything on you. If this is her reaction, it would only solidify why he needs the divorce in the first place. He is divorcing a selfish wench. It's going to effect her in one of two ways. 1. Push her further away (sounds like she's already gone based upon her actions) well when you have a turd close by, the last thing you want is to be next to it. so pushing her away is really not an adverse consequence here. 2. Throw the fear of the unknown into her, and may result in a WTF have I done moment. Then and only then can you two fix this. nah, I think its too little too late. Even when caught she wouldn't give up the other man. So if being scared she is going to lose her familiar and comfortable family life is the ONLY thing that gets her away from the other man, whats the point in staying with her? She wouldn't be doing it for her H, she'd be doing it to save her "situation". Either way, you make out better than where you are now. You can now either focus on moving on, and finding a woman who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve, or have a wife who will truely be committed to repairing your marriage. I don't think if she is scared of losing her "situation" that she would be "truly" committed to repairing the marriage. I think she'd be doing so for the wrong reasons....and then she'd still pine for the OM. Not exactly a great deal for Shockedhusband Either way it's not going to be easy. Probably the hardest thing you'll ever do. Oh its not, i can attest to that. but the end result is a much better life...THAT I can guarantee.
amerikajin Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Its not? Well thats not what the cheaters and OM/OW on this board tell us:confused: Have we been duped?? Everything in this discussion boils down to understanding individual responsibility. As I said, it's not up to Shocked to make his wife happy because that's something that only the wife can do. But that doesn't mean that Shocked doesn't have responsibilities of his own. Both individuals have responsibilities in this relationship, commitments to honor. I don't necessarily think that cheating spells the end of the relationship, though that would depend on the individual circumstances involved. It could mean the end. I think marriage counseling is important for both the wife and Shocked. If the wife continues with counseling -- and that's a big 'if' at this point -- she will eventually have to see that, whatever her grievances may be, she has some responsibility to deal with them in a responsible way, not going behind her partner's back. But at the same time, the fact is that some partners simply tune their partners out, and behave as though they can do whatever the hell they want in a marriage, and that the other person should just deal with it. I absolutely think cheating is wrong, but in some circumstances, cheating is a potential consequence of selfish behavior on the part of the cheated. By no means am I saying that this is what's going on here -- I have no idea. All I have is the word of the OP. This is the kind of thing that can be addressed in counseling sessions. More often than not, though, it does indeed take two to mess up a marriage. Not always, I know that, but I tend to take the averages into account whenever this discussion comes up because the OP almost always gets advice like "Get a divorce now! Screw that b***". It takes a much stronger person to be able to look at their own behavior. Doing that doesn't excuse the cheating, nor does it permit more of it. Introspection just helps a person help himself. Even if this marriage doesn't work out, the OP should go through with counseling and try to learn as much from this as possible. If he doesn't, he risks overlooking his own issues, and you can bet your boots that whatever a person doesn't learn from one relationship will be carried right into the next one.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 More often than not, though, it does indeed take two to mess up a marriage. Not always, I know that, but I tend to take the averages into account whenever this discussion comes up because the OP almost always gets advice like "Get a divorce now! Screw that b***". It takes a much stronger person to be able to look at their own behavior. dont get me wrong, I understand the part about 2 people being responsible for the state of the marriage....sometimes. but being strong or weak has absolutely nothing to do with one person deciding that the infidelity went above and beyond, and that the person engaging in cheating is someone they no longer want.
Reggie Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I tried to keep an open mind on this recovering thing and expect Iam somewhat jaded by my own expierience. But, alomost universally, it seems the guys that get their WWs to wake up and do the work on recovery, have taken the hard line approach. Something very weird about the way some women are wired in that despite the claims that they had emotionally distant , or controlling H's, the guys that are hard assed and draw a line in the sand are the only ones they respect. The allegations that they want a compassionate, long suffering type are completely bogus in this area. Seems their limbic systems are stimulated by alpha behavior. I know it is not inconsistent to have both self respect and compassion. I really think a lot of guys have been justifiably confused by the mixed messages we have received over the last few decades. You can be quiet, even tempered etc. but you absolutely have to have zero tolerance for the type of disrespect a woman that cheats on you demonstrates. You cannot live your life afraid of losing her and cowtowing. It is the surest way to lose your wife. One thing i have learned from all this is that in future relationships, I will never compromise my principles out of fear. The chips can fall where they may. if we can survive this infidelity crap, we can take almost any hit.
amerikajin Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I tried to keep an open mind on this recovering thing and expect Iam somewhat jaded by my own expierience. But, alomost universally, it seems the guys that get their WWs to wake up and do the work on recovery, have taken the hard line approach. Something very weird about the way some women are wired in that despite the claims that they had emotionally distant , or controlling H's, the guys that are hard assed and draw a line in the sand are the only ones they respect. The allegations that they want a compassionate, long suffering type are completely bogus in this area. Seems their limbic systems are stimulated by alpha behavior. I know it is not inconsistent to have both self respect and compassion. I really think a lot of guys have been justifiably confused by the mixed messages we have received over the last few decades. You can be quiet, even tempered etc. but you absolutely have to have zero tolerance for the type of disrespect a woman that cheats on you demonstrates. You cannot live your life afraid of losing her and cowtowing. It is the surest way to lose your wife. One thing i have learned from all this is that in future relationships, I will never compromise my principles out of fear. The chips can fall where they may. if we can survive this infidelity crap, we can take almost any hit. I don't know if it's about responding to alpha behavior. For some women it might be, but I would imagine that for the majority of people who stray in a marriage, it's about confronting the consequences of their decisions. Sometimes a person might imagine how wonderful it would be to sleep with someone who has caught their attention, and in cases where there's a deeper emotional connection, they fantasize about what it might be like to be with that person. But affairs have a lot to do with escapism -- using a relationship with someone else to escape problems with a current partner. When the affair is discovered for the first time, the affair is confronted with the reality that their partner knows about it, but as Owl has pointed out, without action, there is no consequence for the illicit behavior. When someone moves out, or when someone serves divorce papers to their significant other, it brings an entirely different reality to the affair: the reality of finality. The partner begins to realize that if they're going to make good on their fantasy of running off with their backdoor partner, it's going to get very, very messy. I think a lot of people begin to realize that they're throwing away their past, and they begin to question the wisdom of that.
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Well I came home today from a ball game and my wife asked me what was wrong. I told her I was not happy and then the words just started flowing out. Not angry words but even tempered words I told her that I felt very disrespected by her actions and attitude toward me. I made it clear to her that I accept some responsibility in all of this and that I am actively trying to make changes to be a better husband and person but that I thought she was failing to accept responsibility for her actions and make the needed changes to correct that and truly work on the marriage. She asked me what I wanted and I told her. I need all contact to end. She said so is it an ultimatum and I said you can considered it what ever you want. I told her that she needed to make a choice either end contact and work on the marriage or keep the relationship with OM. I told her that I had been in contact with a lawyer and would continue to be in contact with more lawyers and in the mean time I would be proceeding further in investigating a divorce while she was making her decision. I told her I didn't expect a decision from her tonight but that I was not going to wait a month for it either. I did not get much anger from her or feedback either. She was just laying in bed kind of stunned. She asked me I was asking her to make a choice between her "best friend" and me and I said YES I am not vindictive of her nor do I hate her, I made that clear to her, I hate the situation. I left the conversation at if you want to talk about our relationship or our divorce I will be open to talking
lostsunsets Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Outstanding, you did it just right. Now you're basing your decisions on what "is". Stay strong.
seibert253 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I don't know if it's about responding to alpha behavior. For some women it might be, but I would imagine that for the majority of people who stray in a marriage, it's about confronting the consequences of their decisions. Sometimes a person might imagine how wonderful it would be to sleep with someone who has caught their attention, and in cases where there's a deeper emotional connection, they fantasize about what it might be like to be with that person. But affairs have a lot to do with escapism -- using a relationship with someone else to escape problems with a current partner. When the affair is discovered for the first time, the affair is confronted with the reality that their partner knows about it, but as Owl has pointed out, without action, there is no consequence for the illicit behavior. When someone moves out, or when someone serves divorce papers to their significant other, it brings an entirely different reality to the affair: the reality of finality. The partner begins to realize that if they're going to make good on their fantasy of running off with their backdoor partner, it's going to get very, very messy. I think a lot of people begin to realize that they're throwing away their past, and they begin to question the wisdom of that. You're right on the money here AJ.
seibert253 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 well i came home today from a ball game and my wife asked me what was wrong. I told her i was not happy and then the words just started flowing out. Not angry words but even tempered words i told her that i felt very disrespected by her actions and attitude toward me. I made it clear to her that i accept some responsibility in all of this and that i am actively trying to make changes to be a better husband and person but that i thought she was failing to accept responsibility for her actions and make the needed changes to correct that and truly work on the marriage. She asked me what i wanted and i told her. I need all contact to end. She said so is it an ultimatum and i said you can considered it what ever you want. I told her that she needed to make a choice either end contact and work on the marriage or keep the relationship with om. I told her that i had been in contact with a lawyer and would continue to be in contact with more lawyers and in the mean time i would be proceeding further in investigating a divorce while she was making her decision. I told her i didn't expect a decision from her tonight but that i was not going to wait a month for it either. I did not get much anger from her or feedback either. She was just laying in bed kind of stunned. She asked me i was asking her to make a choice between her "best friend" and me and i said yes i am not vindictive of her nor do i hate her, i made that clear to her, i hate the situation. I left the conversation at if you want to talk about our relationship or our divorce i will be open to talking bravo my man!
Dexter Morgan Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I did not get much anger from her or feedback either. She was just laying in bed kind of stunned. She asked me I was asking her to make a choice between her "best friend" and me and I said YES You have got to kidding? She is trying to lay a guilt trip on you. That comment right there shows she has no desire to work on the marriage and no desire to break contact. I think the choice now is more than clear, as if it wasn't already so. Contact your lawyer today and have him/her start drawing up the paperwork and have your wife served. I don't think waiting for her decision will make a difference and even if she TELLS you she will break contact, you think she really will? He is her "friend" afterall:sick:
amerikajin Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 You have got to kidding? She is trying to lay a guilt trip on you. That comment right there shows she has no desire to work on the marriage and no desire to break contact. She has no apparent desire to work on the marriage right now. If it was once a good marriage, though, it's possible they can get back to where they once were. I won't disagree that it's not looking good, but I don't advocate throwing in the towel just yet. I think he's done pretty much the right thing up to this point: he's given her a chance to shape up, she didn't, and now he's taking control of his own life and giving her one last choice to make. That's what all of this boils down to: choices, actions and consequences. Every decision we make, every action we take has consequences. People have to accept responsibility for their decisions, and face the consequences of them. The OP is now making it clear what those consequences are. I think the choice now is more than clear, as if it wasn't already so. Contact your lawyer today and have him/her start drawing up the paperwork and have your wife served. I don't think waiting for her decision will make a difference and even if she TELLS you she will break contact, you think she really will? He is her "friend" afterall:sick: If the OP files for divorce, then that's a choice he has made. He has to accept responsibility for that choice. Filing for divorce right after discovering an emotional affair doesn't necessarily accomplish anything. I think it's easier to accept responsibility for a hard choice like filing for divorce when you know in your heart that you've truly made an effort to salvage the relationship, and that it was your partner's choice to continue violating your trust to the point where you had no choice but to make a decision to move on with your life.
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 no Dexter he is her "best friend" I still have not heard a word from her today, we have marriage counseling tonight and I am going to rehash all of this again there. But it all boils down to 1. No contact 2. Taking ownership of her actions and decisions 3. Being open and honest about all future contact (as they work together) 4. Dealing with her depression I did not get an indication from her one way or another which way she was leaning. I don't know if she didn't say anything becuase she was shocked or becuase she had already made up her mind and wanted me to make the final decision. You could see it both ways, with me making the final decision maybe she can trick herself into feeling better about all of this by telling herself that I decided to give up on the marriage. I am really not sure where her head is at right now, but I can tell you I feel much better about the situation. It feels like a weight has been lifted off on my shoulders.
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