seibert253 Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Chin up Shocked. You're better off. May not seem like it now, but a year from now you'll be like, Wow. Link to post Share on other sites
DiamondClear Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Dude id seriously talk with her parents and tell them how much you love there daughter and want to make things right. Lay everything out on the table. They probly have some advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Nightmare Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Same old sh*t! I read the first page of these posts and its always "We are going to MC and she wont break off comminication with OM. Then I skip all the other pages and go right to the last. And its always Im filing for divorce. I have had same issues your in and it sucks. I think your blaming yourself for your wife cheating. If things were that bad with you she could have filed for divorce before she ever cheated. Fact is now she is in the begining of a new relationship and having feelings of "newly in love". Just dont blame yourself, unless you were cheating yourself or abusive you don deserve this. We can all look back on our marriages, failed or not, and see things that could have been done to make it a better marriage. But that doesnt warrant what she did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 It would seem to me that from the last couple posts you guys think I might be hurting or depressed about this whole thing. The divorce is going through, I am not waffling any more the papers are being drafted and I sign then sometime early this coming week. I actually got a call from her parents, they really had it out with there daughter last night. She is getting opposition from all sides but is still carrying on with the OM. I am not so much sad about the divorce am I am shocked that given all she stands to loose she keeps going on like she is. If anything it has only further confirmed that I am making the right decision. Well I am off for a round of golf on this beautiful day. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 It would seem to me that from the last couple posts you guys think I might be hurting or depressed about this whole thing. So you are not? Then that's good. Plus you are taking control of your life, it seems. Good for you! I actually got a call from her parents, they really had it out with there daughter last night. She is getting opposition from all sides but is still carrying on with the OM. I would not put too much weight on her parent's opposition. In the long run, their daughter is their daughter and blood is thicker than wine, as the saying goes. When you heal, they will heal...unless you want to make sure they stay angry? In that case, you can do what other people have done by feeding them all kinds of sob/sad stories about yourself and horror stories about her. I don't think you are the type. I am not so much sad about the divorce am I am shocked that given all she stands to loose she keeps going on like she is. Amazing , isn't it? I have always wondered why people do the things they do without doing a cost analysis. Or they do and then say "Sc3w it! I am still going to do it!"- I guess, sometimes we have to accept that people find things/situations worthy of the loss or they really do not realize how great the loss would be. If anything it has only further confirmed that I am making the right decision. Well, you are....you have done what you could. It's time to take care of YOU. Good luck to you, Shocked! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 I am signing the papers in a little over an hour and they should be filed no later than tomorrow. I informed my wife of that last night and basically told her that I did not want it to, or did it ever have to come to this. I told her that she forced my hand in making this decision by continuing contact with the OM even after I asked her to stop, and by doing so, she showed me she did not want to work on the marriage. I made sure I payed attention to her response and the gas lighting and blame shifting was amazing. She still kept up on the "just friends" bit and that she told him that she wanted to work on the marriage. Yet the messages continued. She even went to a point of telling me that she intentionally left messages on her phone knowing I would read them (likely to try and convince me of the "friendship"). Well she left some of the messages on the phone but most were deleted. I can't wait for this saga to be over, so I can truly move on with my life. I wish it would have been with my wife but she is to caught up in her own little fantasy world for that to be possible. I will say this, for all of the people following this thread and maybe those that have just found there SO in and affair EA or PA. Don't play Mr. Nice/Understanding/Try to be there for you guy, IT WILL GET YOU NO WHERE. Set the ground rules early and prepare your self to act on them accordingly and make sure you follow through when you say you are going to. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 You are so right. I don't think I've read any stories where the playing nice thing works. It is sad, that they cannot come to the realization that they are wrong without having to impose consequences like divorce. But, WSs are acting like children and it seems to be all they understand. It is the thing that caused me to lose the most respect forr my XWWs. I was embarassed to be their partner after displays such as this. I've done many wrong things in my life, but , never have I acted so emabarassingly stupid as a adult. They are ruled by their limbic systems in pursuit of "soulmates" and orgasms. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I will say this, for all of the people following this thread and maybe those that have just found there SO in and affair EA or PA. Don't play Mr. Nice/Understanding/Try to be there for you guy, IT WILL GET YOU NO WHERE. Set the ground rules early and prepare your self to act on them accordingly and make sure you follow through when you say you are going to. To use an analogy, sometimes a good trauma surgeon can do all of the right things and still lose the patient. A bad result doesn't necessarily point to errors on your part. I would agree with you that nobody does themselves a favor by being a doormat, but I hope you don't think that you were too soft or didn't play hard ball soon enough. I believe you did exactly the right thing. I think you did yourself a much bigger favor by at least showing her that you were willing to listen and to work with her on her marriage than by immediately running off to a divorce lawyer. The key caveat is that you gave her ONE chance to change her behavior. You didn't give her two, three or four chances to shape up. Had you done that, yes, you would have been a doormat in need of an awakening. But that's not how you handled it, Shocked. I thought you handled yourself brilliantly. The unfortunate reality you always face in marriage is that you can only control yourself. You can't ever control what she does. You did what you could. She didn't. You both have to live with that, unfortunately. I can only hope that you take time to reflect on all aspects of this marriage, as I am sure you will. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I agree. I gave my XWW a chance to get therapy and tell the truth. You should feel good about having given her a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I agree. I gave my XWW a chance to get therapy and tell the truth. You should feel good about having given her a chance. You can at least look back on it knowing that you did the right thing and upheld your part of the bargain. You won't have to wonder whether you could have done more -- you did all that any reasonable person would expect. Same goes for Shockedhusband. Link to post Share on other sites
travelgirl Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Shocked, you gave her a chance and was honest with her. She is still, like you said, caught up in all of this but at least you can walk away knowing you gave it a shot. Her actions made you not even want to stay married to her. Once she wakes up, she will have to live with that for the rest of her life. Did she get an apartment and move out yet? I think that is when her reality will start to set in. Good Luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shockedhusband Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 Travelgirl She has got an apartment picked out but we ares till currently living together. I am keeping the house so I am currently looking for room mates to bring in to reduce my monthly burden with the mortgage. I think I may have picked the absolute worst time financially to get a divorce. I just got a 30,000 pay cut at work plus loss of 10% bonus and profit sharing still have a job though so right now there is no way I am going to be able to afford the home on my own. We could try and sell the home but it would be at a substantial loss so that to me is out of the question as well. As soon as I find roommates she will be moving out. This is not going to be a messy divorce, I am not vindictive in any way I just want to move on with my life and she is on board with that. We were actually laughing together tonight while talking of splitting things up tonight. I also think you are right that it is going to hit her like a ton of bricks when she moves into her new apartment alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Travelgirl She has got an apartment picked out but we ares till currently living together. I am keeping the house so I am currently looking for room mates to bring in to reduce my monthly burden with the mortgage. I think I may have picked the absolute worst time financially to get a divorce. I just got a 30,000 pay cut at work plus loss of 10% bonus and profit sharing still have a job though so right now there is no way I am going to be able to afford the home on my own. We could try and sell the home but it would be at a substantial loss so that to me is out of the question as well. As soon as I find roommates she will be moving out. This is not going to be a messy divorce, I am not vindictive in any way I just want to move on with my life and she is on board with that. We were actually laughing together tonight while talking of splitting things up tonight. I also think you are right that it is going to hit her like a ton of bricks when she moves into her new apartment alone. When it does hit her, expect her to get really nasty! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shockedhusband Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 Well I thought I would give everyone that has followed and helped me through this a little update on what has been going on in my world. My wife was served her papers last night, we both met at my lawyers office and he had her sign all the necessary paper work. Right now we are leaning toward a one lawyer divorce to save time and money. Things are going to be very amicable we have both discussed it and we don't want this turning into a **** fight. Its not like we have much to fight over anyway, no kids (thank god). The hardest thing to deal with is going to be the house, we are upside down so refinancing is out of the question and I don't think I would be qualified on my salary alone based on the steep paycut I had to take. She doesn't want to remain on the mortgage and we would take a nice hit if we tried to sell. Most days I am back to my cheerful self looking forward to the future but there are still days and moments when I think what could I have done more of to save this thing. The answer always is nothing and that brings me comfort. You know who her first call was after the meeting with the lawyer....you guessed it the OM. Who by my wife's account is now just a friend. Its laughable to me know and it only confirms to me that I am doing the right thing. I have no regrets about what I am going through, financially its going to suck but that really a small set back. I would rather be financially pinched and happy than financially secure and living in a marriage where I was compromising myself and sharing my wife with someone else. The financial situation is only temporary. I will keep you guys posted on what develops Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Congradulations! But consider NC for you to move on faster! Also let the OM deal with her from now on. I bet you once that bubble bursts she will contact you again and be around you again. That's why I tell people to go NC, how could you sit around in a room with her and joke about things. I couldnt do that. That's like saying your condoning what she's doing. But whatever he's just a friend, let her "friend" support her few years from now this "friend" will turn around and do her dirty. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 You know who her first call was after the meeting with the lawyer....you guessed it the OM. Who by my wife's account is now just a friend. Its laughable to me know and it only confirms to me that I am doing the right thing. Hi Shocked, I've been lurking for some time. Is monitoring her calls going to be healthy for you? How would you handle romantic texts? Link to post Share on other sites
Maladjusted Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I've been following your thread, and from what I can tell I believe that your wife always wanted things to come to this, with you being the one to end the marriage so she wouldn't feel as bad. Now she can go back and tell her family and friends "Well, he divorced me because I was friends with a guy" and not feel so guilty and perhaps even shift blame. She is/was probably too much of a coward to do it herself so she kept doing what she was doing to eventually force you into a position where you would do it. I am glad that you did. Good for you, let this dipwad coworker of hers have her. She's no prize. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 It will feel sooooo nice when later down the road she calls, telling you she made a big mistake, and you say; yeah, you did. Then hang up the phone. Link to post Share on other sites
travelgirl Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I've been following your thread, and from what I can tell I believe that your wife always wanted things to come to this, with you being the one to end the marriage so she wouldn't feel as bad. Now she can go back and tell her family and friends "Well, he divorced me because I was friends with a guy" and not feel so guilty and perhaps even shift blame. I agree with this. I can hear her now trying to justify how you divorced her because of a friendship. You were too insecure, jealous etc.. Anything to throw the blame towards you so she doesn't look like the one who made the mistakes and F'd up the entire marriage. That's why I tell people to go NC, how could you sit around in a room with her and joke about things. I couldnt do that. That's like saying your condoning what she's doing. I also agree with the others. It is time to go NO CONTACT with her unless you have to meet with a lawyer or talk about assets. You don't have to be mean about it but lingering on with talks, explanations, jokes, friendship etc... doesn't make it real enough for either of you. The fact that she is ready to sign away without ever giving it a chance, just makes her a very selfish person and you need to step away and move on. I know you don't want to be mean and vindictive (and it is great you aren't) but at the same time you do seem like you are condoning her actions and hanging on a bit. And in a sense she still has both of you. Let the OM have her all to his self. Friendship won't work now anyway. Once the secretive bubble bursts and she leaches and depends on him more without you, I too agree she will wonder "what the F did I do?" By then you will be leaving a happy content life. Find a roommate who can help with the rent (female even ) and get her a$$ into an apartment ASAP. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shockedhusband Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 1. I do not monitor the calls and texts as much as I used to. I have already dealt with the romantic texts and at this point I have no emotional attachment to my sbtx. I usually only do it in those rare fleeting points of doubt about the divorce and it corrects my thought process. 2. I have no doubt in my mind that this is exactly what she wanted so she can shift the blame onto me. The problem is, there is not going to be to many people that buy into that story from her. Hell if it makes her happy she can go around and tell anyone she wants to, its not going to effect my life one bit. 3. We are still living in the same house, different bedrooms but the same house. We are "civil" toward each other. I do my things she does her thing. Most of the contact is about divorce stuff, me bringing in roommates, and who is going to be home to let the dog out. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 1. I do not monitor the calls and texts as much as I used to. I have already dealt with the romantic texts and at this point I have no emotional attachment to my sbtx. I usually only do it in those rare fleeting points of doubt about the divorce and it corrects my thought process. 2. I have no doubt in my mind that this is exactly what she wanted so she can shift the blame onto me. The problem is, there is not going to be to many people that buy into that story from her. Hell if it makes her happy she can go around and tell anyone she wants to, its not going to effect my life one bit. 3. We are still living in the same house, different bedrooms but the same house. We are "civil" toward each other. I do my things she does her thing. Most of the contact is about divorce stuff, me bringing in roommates, and who is going to be home to let the dog out. Just make darn sure that you don't leave that house, you have just as much vested as she does, if not more! BTW, expect her to bring her OM over sometime to screw! She may do it just to mess with your head, be prepared! Link to post Share on other sites
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