Wifes emotional affair what do I do

[Shockedhusband]

I am going to stick this out for one more MC session and if I don't get any clear insight from that I am going to drop the hammer on the wife. It takes two people to fight for a marriage and I am not going to keep on fighting if she is not going to come clean and commit to it as well.

[lostsunsets]

Chances are she won't do anything until you do bring the hammer down. Until then it costs her nothing more then your anger and pain to keep doing her OM.

[Darth Vader]

Chances are she won't do anything until you do bring the hammer down. Until then it costs her nothing more then your anger and pain to keep doing her OM.

 

 

She's got a point.

[Owl]

Same message that ALL of us have been trying to get across.

 

Until she suffers a consequence...she's not going to change.

 

Many of us posting this advice have been through a very, very similar scenario ourselves.

 

It's up to you, Shocked...

[Shockedhusband]

Well I went in for my one on one session with the MC last night and let me tell you I really feel comfortable with him. He gave me some nice pointers on how do deal with the situation. He also told me he is not going sit idly by and let my wife off the hook for what is going on. I have decided that I am going to give it at least two more sessions before I pull a 180 on my wife. I know some of you probably don't agree with that but that is what I have decided. I will keep you updated on what happens

[Darth Vader]

Well I went in for my one on one session with the MC last night and let me tell you I really feel comfortable with him. He gave me some nice pointers on how do deal with the situation. He also told me he is not going sit idly by and let my wife off the hook for what is going on. I have decided that I am going to give it at least two more sessions before I pull a 180 on my wife. I know some of you probably don't agree with that but that is what I have decided. I will keep you updated on what happens

 

 

Ok, that's your decision. In the mean time don't stop getting yourself ready to Divorce or whatever, just keep getting all of your ducks in a row, that way if she's bent on doing her own thing, you'll be ready to get out of this crap! No more waiting games then!

[Shockedhusband]

I am still getting my ducks in a row, I really hope it doesn't resort to that but I will be prepared if it does

[Gamine]

If I were in your shoes...

 

(1) I'd get rid of her phone. Cancel it or smash it.

(2) Do precisely what OWL has suggested. Shut her out 1000%.

(3) Go no contact with her. That means don't take her calls, don't respond to her in any way shape or form.

(4) Ignore her and get on with your life. This is called the 180 (read about it). It is used to wake up a 'foggy' spouse.

(5) Remain beyond her reach.

 

In my opinion she is acting like a spoiled brat who is taunting you to get back at you for dissing her. Period. This guy is interesting to her because he isn't real... he is a fantasy for her... one that includes power over you. Remove that power and the thrill is gone. It is doubtful that this is a 'mature' relationship she has with this guy from work. The whole texting thing sounds sophomoric. Totally juvenile. People who mean business do more and talk less.

 

See this for what it is and follow OWL's recommendations... read up on the 180 and close the iron curtain... and watch her head spin. You'll get her attention and give her a taste of reality. One way or antoher she will realize the need to make a decision.

[Reggie]

The notion that it takes two people to ruin a marriage sounds good. In reality, it is not always the case. Some WSs are really impossible to have a relationship with.

I agree, go 180 and start preparing.

[taylor]

It sucks to say this but I think my wife is emotionally gone from our relationship

 

Most women do check out of their marriages emotionally before they enter an affair. They give up and check out. They are no longer interested in fixing anything. They become indifferent to you and to the marriage.

 

 

I just needed someone to vent to last night and she stared away blankly

 

Like I said, they become indifferent.

 

 

I tried to talk with her about what we are going through hoping to get something out of her. She told me she didn't want to talk because I did't get her points about me contributing to the situation we are in

 

She doesn't want to talk because she has given up on you and the marriage. She has reached the point of indifference. She has no faith that anything will change or get better. She no longer sees any value in you or your marriage.

 

Did you contribute to the situation you are in? Or is she talking nonsense?

 

 

 

I told her that what hurts me the most is that she doesn't have any remorse for what happened. I have not heard a single apology from her. She responded with how about an apology from you.

 

Obviously she feels you wronged her in some way so she does not feel guilty for wronging you. You are seeking an apology from her for the affair. Why would she be seeking an apology from you? For what?

 

She then inferred that I was over reacting to a simple friendship.

 

You know this isn't true. But the friendship with the OM may be the part of their relationship that means the most to her.

 

 

She even went to a point of turning up the TV while I was trying to talk to her.

 

She is very angry at you and I don't think it's just because you found out about the affair.

 

 

I have a feeling that there is only one thing left to do and that is serve her papers. At this point I am not even sure marriage counseling is going to work because if you have one party that's willing to fight and the other wants to have her cake and eat it too its never going to work

 

You are willing to fight but she isn't. She no longer sees any value in your marriage, so what's there to fight for?

 

You have a choice. You have to either find a way to convince her that the marriage still has value and is worth fighting for...YOU are worth fighting for......or you throw the towel in, too, and serve her divorce papers.

 

I don't agree with the poster who said to smash her phone. That just adds fuel to the fire. It certainly won't endear her to you in any way, shape, or form.

 

(Still believe in most cases, it takes two to ruin a marriage.)

[amerikajin]

I haven't read all of the posts on this thread, so I apologize if I comment without full knowledge of all the facts.

 

It sucks to say this but I think my wife is emotionally gone from our relationship

 

I can't even share my problems with her anymore, it has been very stressful here at work with layoffs all over the place and I just needed someone to vent to last night and she stared away blankly

 

I tried to talk with her about what we are going through hoping to get something out of her. She told me she didn't want to talk because I did't get her points about me contributing to the situation we are in

 

I told her that what hurts me the most is that she doesn't have any remorse for what happened. I have not heard a single apology from her. She responded with how about an apology from you. She then inferred that I was over reacting to a simple friendship.

 

I can't even have a calm conversation with her about what is going on becuase she throws it back in my face and gets angry. She even went to a point of turning up the TV while I was trying to talk to her.

 

I have a feeling that there is only one thing left to do and that is serve her papers. At this point I am not even sure marriage counseling is going to work because if you have one party that's willing to fight and the other wants to have her cake and eat it too its never going to work

 

What I'm going to say is what I've said in the past, and it's not especially popular here on LS infidelity threads, but I think it is worth repeating over and over again: not always, but more often than not, it takes two to f*ck up a marriage. I think it's dangerously naive to assume that affairs happen in a vacuum, and it will all but guarantee that you will end up in divorce court.

 

Let me be clear before I go any further: what your wife doing is absolutely 100 percent wrong. Regardless of however justified she might feel or might actually be in being angry at you, her response only ups the ante in what becomes an escalating game of emotional chicken, a psychological arms race between two people who are determined to show each other who's the baddest motha f*cka in the relationship. She's wrong to up the ante.

 

But she might not necessarily be wrong in being angry at you, and that's what you ought to keep in mind at all times. If you lay into her with the "Hah! I caught you, now bend over and kiss my feet" approach....you lose. It would seem that she's been trying to get your attention about some things in the relationship for a very long time, and she feels ignored. There is no way to know exactly who's right and who's wrong, and about what. But that's why BOTH of you have to see a marriage counselor. You BOTH need a time out and you BOTH need an independent third party who can talk to both of you objectively about what's going on in your marriage. You BOTH have to be willing to listen, and keep an open mind. Both of you must drop your egos and take a fresh approach to your marriage. Anything less, and you'll end up talking to each other through lawyers.

 

If it were me, and if I were sane enough to keep my head on straight, I would take a day or two to think about it and come back to her and say something along the lines of "Honey, I don't know where we got sidetracked. I fully acknowledge that I may have done some things to upset you, and if that's the case I'm sorry. I want to go through with marriage counseling so that I can be a better husband to you. I know you're angry at me right now, but I need this. I think we both need this." She may or may not be willing to listen to you right now. If she doesn't, don't panic. Just come back at her again a second or third time. At some point -- some point soon -- she must start relenting herself. If she doesn't then I don't know what you do.

 

For the time being, though, I think you need to arrive at a short-term agreement with her.

 

1. You agree to go to marriage counseling with her. You absolutely agree to follow any suggestions from the MC to the fullest, provided she does the same.

 

2. Really, this is just as important as the first step, and it must occur simultaneously, but you MUST get her to agree to stop all contact with her friend immediately. Give her a chance to stop it on her own. If she doesn't then go to step 2b, which is:

 

2 b. If this doesn't stop immediately, I would also call the 'friend' up and let him know that you're aware of what's going on, and that he is not to call her or communicate with her anymore.

 

ETA: I think that the MC was probably NOT suggesting that it's okay to let the affair continue. Rather, I think he was suggesting something along the lines of what I have suggested in steps 2 and 2b. I think what the MC is saying that the wife feels justified in her affair, because she's mad as hell at you. That's not to say that she's right in what she's doing -- she's clearly in the wrong here. But as I said, you cannot just wag your finger at her. She's not going to listen. You can't think of this as a game in which you compare the levels of wrongs committed by each other. She's not in the mood to stop the emotional affair immediately, and so it's probably counterproductive to just walk in and demand that she stop. Again, I know that's counterintuitive and not popular here on LS, but I generally agree with the MC in this case. It's better if you gradually guide her through suggestion rather than demands, when she already feels that you're the one who's offending her, not the other way around.

[Shockedhusband]

Well I don't think I posted anything after my one on one with the MC last week but he definitely added some insight and understanding into the current situation.

 

He in no way condones the actions of my wife and believes that first and foremost we need to address the emotional affair. In his words it took and already insecure marriage and took it over the line. It was something that I could totally understand because we were definitely not very secure before all of this went down. I can see that I was not very receptive to her and at the same time she was not very accessible to me.

 

She told me before I ever found out about the texts that she had all but given up on hoping and thinking that things were going to change. How much of that statement was the EA talking or true is yet to be determined but one thing is for sure is that there was a huge communication disconnect between the two of us, I can see that now.

 

I believe the EA continues and I still have no further information on it. I just want information. The MC suggested that I ask her one more time, making sure to tell her that I was not going to ask again after that point and that if she wasn't honest with me it would severely hamper me from truly investing in the relationship (which is all true)

 

I think his main goal is to take the parole officer-parole aspect out of our relationship and relieve some stress between the two of us in hopes that it would open up some talking.

 

I am not sure how much it has worked because I have still only heard nothing happened and we're just friends but we did have a calm conversation last night about where the two of us are at.

 

I get the feeling she does not have much confidence in this marriage getting any better or returning to what we had. I asked her if she had any hope that it would and she said its very small. Which is pretty much the way I feel right now but I am sure for different reason than my wife.

 

I did find a note in her purse from a female co-worker that stated "talk to me about my divorce" so I take from that that we are pretty much in the same place right now.

 

I don't want to be vindictive toward my wife and throw her out on her ass or smash her phone. I guess when you sit down and really think about it I am sure she did not purposely go out and try to get into an emotional relationship with someone it happened and that's what we need to deal with right now. I am hoping that MC will somehow make her realize that what she is doing is wrong and that she is receptive to the process. At the same time I need to be receptive to her and feel my way through the process and if things are not getting better I need to do what I need to do to move on and heal myself

[Reggie]

Seems to me you have been very reasonable and patient with her. You have been doing all you can, setting up counseling etc. One thing you need to do is to take care of yourself. I agree with the poster that mentions that you both contributed to the marital problems. Most studies show that the cheater was the biggest player in the pre-A problems, but it really does not matter.

You have extended a hand to her and she may not be willing to get the help she needs. If she is actively in an affair, she is not receptive.

One thing about cheaters is they need to fool themselves to justify their actions. Undoubtedly, she sees you as the sole cause of the marital issues.She needs to run from her role in order to justify her cheating.

It is very difficult with many cheaters to ge them to take responsibility for thier part.

[JLee26]

Well I will admit first and foremost that i have only read bits and pieces of this post. I was in a similiar situation about 2 years ago. My H and I were having some problems, mainly me, out of frustration with my current standings in life. I wanted to experience something new, to feel that feeling you get when you meet someone new. I was talking to a guy that had been a close friend of ours for years, and got that feeling, and god did i love it. I am not a sneaky person so i got caught about two weeks after the texting began.

My H took it upon himself to call this guy out, and i sat and watched the phone call go down. It was terrible to watch. I felt (at first) like my heart was being ripped out. But then i thought about it.

Here was was my H FIGHTING for ME! that was what i wanted, to feel needed, and wanted and to see him stand up and say this is my wife and NO ONE is going to take the person i love away from me, god did it hit the spot. Mind you NOTHING ever happened between me and this guy, not saying that something wouldnt have if it had gone on long enough but 2 weeks is simply not enough time (for me) to get physically involved with someone.

So what i am saying is this, maybe what you need to do is to make it a fight, not with her, but simply with her watching, let her see just how much she means to you. My H wrote me a 4 page long letter about all of the things he loves about me, moments we had together, things that made us laugh and cry and things we would work on together. It gave me that sense of security and feeling of love i had been looking for.

 

I know your situation has gone a lot further and longer then mine, but i think women essentially want the same thing, to feel like our man (or signifcant other) cannot and would not make it without us.

MC does work, 2 years later and i have a better relationship, mind you there is still fighting, but now we know how to apologize to each other and move forward.

 

BEST OF LUCK!

[amerikajin]

He in no way condones the actions of my wife and believes that first and foremost we need to address the emotional affair. In his words it took and already insecure marriage and took it over the line. It was something that I could totally understand because we were definitely not very secure before all of this went down. I can see that I was not very receptive to her and at the same time she was not very accessible to me.

 

Your MC sounds like he knows exactly what he's talking about. Keep seeing him, regardless of what happens. It might not save your marriage, but even if it doesn't, it will give you valuable insight into relationships that you can take from this time forward.

 

She told me before I ever found out about the texts that she had all but given up on hoping and thinking that things were going to change. How much of that statement was the EA talking or true is yet to be determined but one thing is for sure is that there was a huge communication disconnect between the two of us, I can see that now.

 

If I had to guess, her statement was not just a warning to change; it might have been her way of laying down the groundwork for justifying whatever came next. It may have been her way of saying "Well, I tried to save this relationship. Don't blame me for what comes next." I don't believe in using the word "cheater" because it over-simplifies things and I think people who over-simplify affairs risk losing sight of the bigger picture. I think most people have the capacity to cheat. Some individuals are more capable than others. Apparently, your wife is using this to emotional affair to get back at you somehow and feels completely justified in doing it. That's why the parole officer approach won't work, regardless of however strongly you feel about your cause.

 

I think your MC is absolutely right. You cannot control her at this point, you can only suggest that she reconsider her behavior. There has to be some motivation on her part to do this. Taking a soft, oblique approach is probably going to work better than the raging bull approach.

 

Of course there is the issue of your wife's 'friend'. I would call him and have a man-to-man with him. I wouldn't threaten him -- that's illegal. But I would definitely make it clear that you don't appreciate his contact with your wife. Now your wife might tell you she's going to get a divorce and that it won't matter, and that could indeed happen. But if it were me, as far as I'm concerned, marriage is marriage until the divorce papers are signed. The vows ought to mean something. If this were just a girlfriend, I'd shrug and say move on; but this is your wife. You have a right to expect others to stay the f*ck out of your marriage. Whether a phone call would accomplish anything, I don't know. But I think a calm, cool, but very direct no bullsh*t phone call would let him know what's up. It would make him think. Most guys really don't want that much drama.

[Reggie]

I completely agree with the non-threatening approach. You just need to make your boundaires clear, that continued cheating does not work for you. The non adversarial approach does not mean you do not take steps to end the affair. There is no guarranty that any of the advised measures will work. Exposure is said to be effective, although it often elicits initial rage from the cheater. Same with contacting the affair partner.

Bottom line is that all you can do is advise your wife of your boundaries and the potential consequences to continued cheating. You have virtually no control over how she reacts. But, if she will not stop and refuses to do the work , you will know you gave it a shot and did not go doormat, either.

Thye say it is extremely difficult to get a WW to stop an affair as they have left the marriage already, as seems to be the case with your WW. They cannot see the future clearly and have unrealistic expectations.

I saw this with myXWW. She really thought the OM, depite all evidence to the contrary, was her knight in shining armour. 18 months after she moved out, her romance crumbled. The kids would not accept her affair partner. Her family would have nothing to do with him. She saw what he was really like in the light of day, not the exciting late night meetings she had expierienced.

She called me about a year and ahalf after moving in with hime and said that she should have gone to counseling, a suggsetion I had made many times in an effort to save our marriage.

By then, it was too late for me.

Exposure really helped to crumble her affair, albeit too late. It did serve to get the OM, a very dishonorable person, out of my kids' lives, though.

[Shockedhusband]

Well since my last post we had our marriage counseling session in which my wife reluctantly came out and admitted to having feelings for the other guy. She also said she wanted to work on the marriage.

 

Later that night we came home and she had found that I was trying to log into her bank statement. I guess I should get a little better at guessing passwords. Anyways that lead to a slight argument in which she said she understands my need to want to look at the bank statement but that she doesn't feel that I can ever trust her again. I told her its going to take work on both of our parts to build the trust back up but I think it will come back.

 

We have had our good days and bad days, the only problem is that I can still see that she is still contacting this guy. They work in the same damn building but they text each other up to 50 times a day and I have found multiple calls for 30 minutes or longer on the cell phone. She explained one of them as the OM telling her about a date he went on. I also found a card that I can only imagine she got for him.

 

I see some hope then it is cast away by her continued contact with the OM.

[amerikajin]

Well since my last post we had our marriage counseling session in which my wife reluctantly came out and admitted to having feelings for the other guy. She also said she wanted to work on the marriage.

 

Later that night we came home and she had found that I was trying to log into her bank statement. I guess I should get a little better at guessing passwords. Anyways that lead to a slight argument in which she said she understands my need to want to look at the bank statement but that she doesn't feel that I can ever trust her again. I told her its going to take work on both of our parts to build the trust back up but I think it will come back.

 

We have had our good days and bad days, the only problem is that I can still see that she is still contacting this guy. They work in the same damn building but they text each other up to 50 times a day and I have found multiple calls for 30 minutes or longer on the cell phone. She explained one of them as the OM telling her about a date he went on. I also found a card that I can only imagine she got for him.

 

I see some hope then it is cast away by her continued contact with the OM.

 

I would focus on making progress. The first step was to get your wife to agree to shoot straight about her EA and that she wants to work on the marriage. You still need her to back away from the other guy but that doesn't have to happen immediately. The counselor will know how to address this. Just keep her going to the counseling sessions.

[Owl]

Explain to her that she CAN rebuild your trust in her.

 

But it takes time, and effort on both parts.

 

And it STARTS with her becoming an "open book".

 

In order for you to regain your trust in her, you have to SEE HER BEHAVING IN A TRUSTWORTHY FASHION OVER A PERIOD OF TIME.

 

In other words...you need to "spy" on her in order to verify the truth...that her actions are now trustworthy. And it has to be done in a way that she can't interfere with.

 

It sounds odd, but it's pretty simple when you think about it.

 

I went through this when my wife had her emotional affair five years ago...and my trust in my wife was restored gradually by doing exactly this.

 

Tell her the truth...you don't trust her NOW...but that does NOT mean that you can never trust her again.

[Shockedhusband]

Owl, I have told her that over and over again. We had a long talk last night and she basically told me that she is unsure if things will ever be good again between us. She is at a point right now if she is unsure if she wants to work on the marriage because she doesn't know if it will get better. My response to her was that her not wanting or not giving 100% is holding me back from really trying.

 

She told me that she has not been happy during the last two years of our marriage and that we may not be right for each other. That kind of surprised me bit because we have had some really happy time and we have had some rough patches. Nothing really out of the ordinary for a marriage. She said she was just hiding her unhappiness.

 

I asked her questions about specific things that made her unhappy, she was bringing up issues that I thought we had long since taken care of and moved past.

 

We talked about her relationship with the OM and how she had feeling for him that were much stronger than a friendship. She didn't deny that and said those feelings are gone and that they are just friends. I told her it didn't work like that and to me she was having her cake and eating it to. I told her it seemed like she had a back up plan already in action if our marriage didn't work.

 

The trust factor is a big factor right now, I told her point blank that as long as she is contacting the dude as much as she is and keeping it secret and I am not going to be able to trust her. I told her I am not going to share her on any level with another man.

 

Sometimes I wonder how much truth there is in her comments about being unhappy for the past two years or if she is digging for things to make her self look better in all of this and shift the blame onto me for not being attentive enough or making her happy enough.

 

I told her that we need to figure out of we are going to work on this or we need to end this. Well she needs to figure out if she wants to work on this, I am committed to healing this marriage. I really don't want a divorce, but if it comes to that so be it. I am not interested in playing this game of "I don't know" for another 9 months. She is terrified of being on her own but yet she is making decisions right now that are going to get her to that point.

 

Her mother is down right now and doesn't believe a word her daughter is saying. Her mother told me today that she is telling my wife's sister about what is going on. I can see a potential **** storm brewing this week.

[Shockedhusband]

Side note

 

I did make it clear to my wife that that trust can be built back up but its going to take work on both of our parts.

[Reggie]

Your wife sounds like a poor communicator. If she was unhappy, it was incumbent upon her to tell you and to take steps to improve the marriage.

This is a very common characteristic of WSs, IMO. There is an expectation of clairvoyance and shirking of responsibility.

If it is true she was unhappy(which may not be the case but merely her rewriting history to justify), she had many option other than cheating.

If she will not commit to improving the relationship and taking ownership of her cheating, there is little hope the marriage will survive. Some of the WSs are just too afraid to look in the mirror and can convince themselves that their chosen course of action was okay. They do not have remorse and are not willing to do the work.

Exposure and cosequences for continued cheating or failure to do the work is said to give the best chance of getting her to see her role.

[SoulStorm]

Do not be her emotional punching bag. I have seen how patient you have been. You keep telling her your boundaries, yet she chides them and pays you no mind. The only way to get her off the fence is action. It's like telling a child you will punish them if they go in the cookie jar, but never carrying out the sentence. Hence the child goes back again because the law was not enforced.

I have seen some blatant disrespect by Wayward Wives and yours is no exception. I agree with Reggie, most waywards are poor communicators and blame the BS for the condition of the marriage and try to pass the reason for cheating on the BS (betrayed spouse).

 

Your wife is doing just this. She was in the same marriage as you and I bet she didn't always do what you wanted or read your mind.

 

Put your foot down..your marriage is going to be in this state until you decide how long you want to watch your wife fence sit. Your wife is getting her emotional needs met by this guy and leaving you in the dust. She is fence sitting because YOU are providing a home and SHE is letting HIM take care of her personal needs. Not fair to you. I feel for you. I could not let myself be in this situation. I would have to tell her to decide at this moment or I'm going to file immediately. I know it is easier said than done..but that's how I feel.

[samprez]

This may sound funny, but my guilt factor right now is driven by the emmence amount of emotional support and intimate knowledge I gained on my XMW's H and their relationship. I feel like a heal because I now understand how I was supporting her emotionally while her H was there; taking care of the day to day. It's an incredible violation and I wish that I had been in a PA one night stand versus this.

 

Where I am going is this. I think that the way my MW spoke of her H, she was gone for that marriage well before I entered the picture. By gone, I mean emotionally checked out and distanced. I believe if her H knew the depth of the information and support she had from me, he'd be gone. I don't know what she's told him; but I doubt it included me hearing from her from doctor's appointments before him and other examples. If your W is not "all in" in repairing our marriage; despite being caught, you must go. My W and I are working our butts off to fix things, but I think my MW's H should run for the hills. You should too.

[Owl]

Owl, I have told her that over and over again. We had a long talk last night and she basically told me that she is unsure if things will ever be good again between us. She is at a point right now if she is unsure if she wants to work on the marriage because she doesn't know if it will get better. My response to her was that her not wanting or not giving 100% is holding me back from really trying.

 

Our first MC told my wife that she couldn't "wait and see" if the marriage was worth fighting for or not. She had to choose to fight for the marriage FIRST...and then work at it...and THEN see if it was worth it or not. She can't tell if it is or isn't salvageable at this point...and it cannot stand a chance of getting better UNTIL she chooses to work at it.

 

It's like wanting a new house...but not choosing to build one. You can sit there and WANT a new house, but one is not going to magically appear ready-made for you one day. You have to CHOOSE TO WORK ON IT FIRST...and eventually, you have a wonderful new house.

 

She told me that she has not been happy during the last two years of our marriage and that we may not be right for each other. That kind of surprised me bit because we have had some really happy time and we have had some rough patches. Nothing really out of the ordinary for a marriage. She said she was just hiding her unhappiness.

 

I asked her questions about specific things that made her unhappy, she was bringing up issues that I thought we had long since taken care of and moved past.

 

I heard very similar from my wife too. It's called "re-writing marital history". It's a mental justification that WS's go through in their own minds to help them justify their actions. My wife too said that she "hadn't been happy in years". No one else could see that...there was never ANYTHING to show that as in any way a true statement. It was just her re-writing things in her own mind...looking at the past through her "affair goggles"...and nothing more. Her own perception of your marriage can/will change as she goes through the whole reconciliation process. Again, I'm speaking from experience here.

 

We talked about her relationship with the OM and how she had feeling for him that were much stronger than a friendship. She didn't deny that and said those feelings are gone and that they are just friends. I told her it didn't work like that and to me she was having her cake and eating it to. I told her it seemed like she had a back up plan already in action if our marriage didn't work.

 

You're completely right here. She's lying to you, in order to minimize the "impacts" of her choice to have an emotional affair. Plain and simple.

 

The trust factor is a big factor right now, I told her point blank that as long as she is contacting the dude as much as she is and keeping it secret and I am not going to be able to trust her. I told her I am not going to share her on any level with another man.

 

Sometimes I wonder how much truth there is in her comments about being unhappy for the past two years or if she is digging for things to make her self look better in all of this and shift the blame onto me for not being attentive enough or making her happy enough.

 

I told her that we need to figure out of we are going to work on this or we need to end this. Well she needs to figure out if she wants to work on this, I am committed to healing this marriage. I really don't want a divorce, but if it comes to that so be it. I am not interested in playing this game of "I don't know" for another 9 months. She is terrified of being on her own but yet she is making decisions right now that are going to get her to that point.

 

Her mother is down right now and doesn't believe a word her daughter is saying. Her mother told me today that she is telling my wife's sister about what is going on. I can see a potential **** storm brewing this week.

 

She needs to completely and totally end ANY contact, of ANY kind, with OM...forever. Anything less is continuing the affair, plain and simple.

 

And, tell her that she needs to CHOOSE to work on the marriage, point blank...or end it and file for divorce.

 

In my case, it was facing that exact choice that caused my wife to "wake up" and start realizing that if she didn't make a real change in her actions, our marriage, our friendship, our family....was over.