Wifes emotional affair what do I do

[seibert253]

Enough of the fence sitting Shocked. Your wife needs to make a decision. Work on repairing your marriage, or go your seperate ways.

 

Dude you do not deserve to be put through this hell any longer. It's not fair to you. ANY continued contact with the OM will keep her on the fence. She says she no longer feels the same way about the OM? I say BULLSH%T. She's lying. If she didn't, why is she still contacting him, AND WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING HER TO? She's gonna keep contacting him until you lay out the consequences for her repeated actions, and follow up with it.

 

Dude, you need to stop being Mr. nice husband, put your foot down, set boundries, and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Man she's walking all over you and you're allowing her. She's gonna keep doing it until you say ENOUGH. WTF man, come on, make a stand.

 

If I were you I'd tell her she's got 7 days to decide. If you want to work through this, we will TOGETHER. But, this starts with ending ALL contact with the OM. If you contact him at all, our marriage is finished.

[Shockedhusband]

My mother in law just called and she brought up a good point. What if my wife is telling the truth and she and the OM are just good friends. I can't say that thought has not been coursing through my mind and I keep coming back to the messages that were sent and the continued contact. They work in the same building and it not a big building so why the need for 50 plus text messages a day.

 

Did any of you go through that, is it self denial of what is truly going on, on behalf of the BS. I know what I saw and she has admitted to having "feelings" for the OM so why would I have doubts about myself and my belief that it is more than just friends.

[Shockedhusband]

For the record I don't believe its just friends, its deeper than that. I just find it funny and odd that I will sometimes doubt that

[Reggie]

You have this right. 50 times a day is enough to show you what is going on. It's normal to have doubts. Keep snooping. You will find more than enough.

Your wife's mom has a huge investment in wanting to believe the best about her child.

[Shockedhusband]

Reggie

 

Even her mom doesn't believe her, she was just relaying the same doubts that I have sometime. Her mother is distraught over this mess because a she sees it her daughter is making a huge mistake

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would have accepted such humiliation and disrespect from you? I don't think it is funny at all.

[Owl]

It doesn't matter if you call it "just friends", an "emotional affair", or a "peanut butter sandwhich".

 

It's a relationship that is tearing your marriage apart.

 

And it's that simple.

[stillafool]

Of course her mom is going to say anything she can to help keep your marriage together. She cares about her child and doesn't want to see her make a mistake. Also children(your wife) doesn't want to seem like a slut to her mom and will say anything.

[seibert253]

It doesn't matter if you call it "just friends", an "emotional affair", or a "peanut butter sandwhich".

 

It's a relationship that is tearing your marriage apart.

 

And it's that simple.

 

Owl's right on the money.

If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. No matter what you call it.

 

It is IMPROPER for a wife and a man other than her husband, to text message each other 50 times a day. IMO there is no justification. Even if they are "just friends", it is inappropriate. If she loved you and had any respect for you and your marriage, she would see this and stop. She has not.

As I said earlier, you need to put your foot down, man up, and take control of this situation.

Best of luck to you. She has everything to lose. Whatever happens, you will be the winner. If she stays, you can rebuild and move on. If she decides to leave, you WILL be stronger, and you will be better without her.

[travelgirl]

Don't even think one thought of is this just possibly being friends.

 

1. She has already admitted feelings.

2. Then said they are now "just" friends (because she can't give him up.)

3. She talks and texts him over 50 times a day. Not even a husband and wife talk that much - it is an obsession.

4. During all of this, she STILL continues contact with him.

5. You STILL don't know half of what is really going on or said between them and unless she opens up and is honest about it, you never will and she will continue contact and continue to deny to you, her mom or anyone else.

 

It is good her mom knows. That is a good step - outing this fantasy of hers to people she respects. I really think the next step is contact with this man. Tell him what is really going on because I am sure she is telling him you are just friends, no sex, marriage is almost over, you treat her like ****, you don't care what she does etc.... You need to contact him and tell him this is YOUR wife, he has the wrong idea about what is going on, and to stay away. He might get a kick out of messing around with her but hearing from you might set the situation straight. If it doesn't, then you know they are both in too deep - which is a HUGE problem for your marriage. But you need to know.

 

And next step is stop being a doormat. Honestly, playing the good guy is not working in your favor. You have to realize this. She knows she can walk all over you, talk to you a few times to appease you and even go to MC but yet she STILL continues heavy heavy contact with this man. What is her reason to stop? She has a house, security and financials from you and all the emotional (and maybe even physical) needs from him. Your talks are falling on deaf ears. Women do NOT like men that play puppy and don't stand up for themselves. Add another man to the mix and you are nothing to her until you turn the tables on being pathetic and start playing the warrior.

 

1.Talk to the man, tell him to BACK OFF.

 

2.Then stop contact with her and tell her until she decides IF she wants to work on the marriage 100%, then you want to separate and be on your own to work on your own life because you are done with being treated like ****. Stop trying to talk to her about anything. Stop showing emotions on this. You ignoring her will worry her and she will want to talk to you. Let her talk - you keep quiet and not say anything. Don't let her try and get you angry or jealous. Once you do that, she will know it is a front and continue to play you.

 

3. I would also look into a keylogger, hide a recorder in her car (where she probably talks to him on the phone) and even a PI to get to the bottom of this. You have NO IDEA if this is physical, how emotional it is etc... I would also look at her pictures and videos on her computer and cell phone and see if they are sending each other more then texts.

[Shockedhusband]

My wife left her cell phone in the car last night and I checked it before I went to bed. I found some messages from the OM on her phone but they were benign in nature just small talk about bull****. However when I compare the messages on her phone verse the phone records there were quite a few more messages sent that had been deleted. My only thought is that the benign messages to support her "just friends" statement so she could show them to me if I questioned her.

 

Its painful to think about but I really think I only have one option right now

[amerikajin]

My wife left her cell phone in the car last night and I checked it before I went to bed. I found some messages from the OM on her phone but they were benign in nature just small talk about bull****. However when I compare the messages on her phone verse the phone records there were quite a few more messages sent that had been deleted. My only thought is that the benign messages to support her "just friends" statement so she could show them to me if I questioned her.

 

Its painful to think about but I really think I only have one option right now

 

Meant to respond earlier but got interrupted.

 

Shocked, as hard as it might be to follow this advice, I think you should be patient for the moment. The thing to remember is, these feelings didn't just happen; they built up over a long period of time. She can't just turn them on and off like a switch. I think the approach to take is to focus on small steps, whatever progress you can make is a good sign.

 

As counterintuitive as this advice might seem, I would not necessarily focus on the nature of her relationship with him at this point. I mean, yes, I think you have every right to want her to stop contacting him, but the bottom line is that she doesn't feel like she ought to. You can get mad and I'm sure 10 out of 10 people reading my post are thinking to themselves "Well, f*ck her -- she's wrong and yada yada..." and I'm of the opinion that it's a bit irrelevant right now. The reality is that she already has one foot outside of this marriage, so the time for infidelity prevention has more or less come and gone. She's already in an affair for all intents and purposes. The question is, will this affair continue indefinitely and be the final nail in the coffin, which itself is important to keep in mind. The affair is the final nail in the coffin, not the only nail in the coffin if you catch my drift.

 

I am not at all saying she's right for doing this to you; in fact I believe she's 100 percent wrong. But that's not important. What's important is that you want this marriage to work out and that you will have to convince her that it's in her best interests to stay married to you. From the looks of things, that's going to take some time.

 

I think a major first step is to get her to agree to marriage counseling. That's a big first step because it will be something that you two can do both independently and together. It would be a sign that she's still committed to working on her marriage. That will be far more productive than getting her family to shame or guilt her into staying into the marriage, and it will be more effective than having her hear from you that texting between her and her 'friend' has to stop. Right now, she feels fully justified in doing what she's doing so she doesn't give a crap what you or anyone else thinks. The only way things are going to change is if you get her into professional counseling, where a trained professional can sit down with her over time and a) get her to reflect on her feelings; b) get her to reflect on her own behavior in the marriage; and c) get her thinking about how she can help both herself and you make a better marriage.

[Shockedhusband]

I understand where you are coming from, but at what point do you say enough is enough. You route is pretty much the route our marriage counselor suggested, but I don't want to keep on living like this everyday wondering what she is talking about or worrying about the possibility of her taking the relationship to the next level with the OM.

[travelgirl]

I think a major first step is to get her to agree to marriage counseling. That's a big first step because it will be something that you two can do both independently and together. It would be a sign that she's still committed to working on her marriage. That will be far more productive than getting her family to shame or guilt her into staying into the marriage, and it will be more effective than having her hear from you that texting between her and her 'friend' has to stop. Right now, she feels fully justified in doing what she's doing so she doesn't give a crap what you or anyone else thinks. The only way things are going to change is if you get her into professional counseling, where a trained professional can sit down with her over time and a) get her to reflect on her feelings; b) get her to reflect on her own behavior in the marriage; and c) get her thinking about how she can help both herself and you make a better marriage.

 

They are already in marriage counseling and she is still seeing the OM everyday and texting/talking to him 50 times a day. In my opinion, MC is a waste of money, time and Shocked's emotions if it allows her to appease Shocked but yet still continue in her ways. MC only works when both parties are willing to 100% work on things, and she at this point, is not. Even a therapist can not convince her otherwise (and obviously hasn't) if there isn't an ultimatum. If she can go to MC and vent and justify things and still see the OM, how can it possibly work in Shocked's favor to sit back and wait??

[Chrome Barracuda]

God why arent you serving her divorce papers!!!!

 

Let the OM take care of her azz. MC is useless if she's banging some other dude!

 

Simple as that. Either she end's it with him or you end it completely!

[amerikajin]

They are already in marriage counseling and she is still seeing the OM everyday and texting/talking to him 50 times a day. In my opinion, MC is a waste of money, time and Shocked's emotions if it allows her to appease Shocked but yet still continue in her ways. MC only works when both parties are willing to 100% work on things, and she at this point, is not. Even a therapist can not convince her otherwise (and obviously hasn't) if there isn't an ultimatum. If she can go to MC and vent and justify things and still see the OM, how can it possibly work in Shocked's favor to sit back and wait??

 

I'm not clear on what all of the facts are, but I'm under the impression that she hasn't really been in too many counseling sessions as yet. I think counseling was started only two or three weeks ago -- that's not really a lot of time, not when things have been festering for months and, most probably, years in a relationship. Without question, her behavior only makes a bad marriage that much more likely to become a former marriage. That she's in the wrong in that respect isn't in question. The question, rather, is how to react. The OP cannot control her, he can only control himself and hope that it influences her. And if it doesn't, then he has to maintain his self control for his own sake.

 

I could be wrong. I mean, yes, ultimatums do work with some people, especially if they genuinely feel remorse and want to hold on to the marriage. In this case, however, it doesn't seem as though she particularly feels remorse. In fact, she feels like she's been trying to communicate something to the OP for the longest time and to no avail. She feels perfectly justified in doing what she's doing. Whether she is justified or not, that's something nobody really knows. That's something that could probably be worked out between the two of them through extensive marriage counseling. I think a lot could be worked out in marriage counseling, because a good counselor is an objective third party, who can hopefully make both people reflect on their conduct in the marriage.

 

But before they can both work out these issues, they have to both agree to commit to marriage counseling. That's what the OP should focus on right now, and probably not much else, even though that's hard to believe. I do admit this is much easier for me to say than it is to actually put into practice. I have the luxury of being detached from the situation, which allows me to be more objective. For someone losing a relationship they care about and all of the memories that come with it, this is probably hell. Nevertheless, keeping a cool head and trying to think this through from different angles, including hers, is probably his last best shot.

 

I think going to her with an ultimatum is playing a game of emotional chicken. It just raises the stakes. I think it just increases the likelihood of breeding more bad blood. Without question, she is absolutely not helping matters any, and if I were her good friend I would probably do exactly as her mother has and let her have it. I'm just not sure that letting her have it would have any effect whatsoever, and it might even be counterproductive.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm not clear on what all of the facts are, but I'm under the impression that she hasn't really been in too many counseling sessions as yet. I think counseling was started only two or three weeks ago -- that's not really a lot of time, not when things have been festering for months and, most probably, years in a relationship. Without question, her behavior only makes a bad marriage that much more likely to become a former marriage. That she's in the wrong in that respect isn't in question. The question, rather, is how to react. The OP cannot control her, he can only control himself and hope that it influences her. And if it doesn't, then he has to maintain his self control for his own sake.

 

I could be wrong. I mean, yes, ultimatums do work with some people, especially if they genuinely feel remorse and want to hold on to the marriage. In this case, however, it doesn't seem as though she particularly feels remorse. In fact, she feels like she's been trying to communicate something to the OP for the longest time and to no avail. She feels perfectly justified in doing what she's doing. Whether she is justified or not, that's something nobody really knows. That's something that could probably be worked out between the two of them through extensive marriage counseling. I think a lot could be worked out in marriage counseling, because a good counselor is an objective third party, who can hopefully make both people reflect on their conduct in the marriage.

 

But before they can both work out these issues, they have to both agree to commit to marriage counseling. That's what the OP should focus on right now, and probably not much else, even though that's hard to believe. I do admit this is much easier for me to say than it is to actually put into practice. I have the luxury of being detached from the situation, which allows me to be more objective. For someone losing a relationship they care about and all of the memories that come with it, this is probably hell. Nevertheless, keeping a cool head and trying to think this through from different angles, including hers, is probably his last best shot.

 

I think going to her with an ultimatum is playing a game of emotional chicken. It just raises the stakes. I think it just increases the likelihood of breeding more bad blood. Without question, she is absolutely not helping matters any, and if I were her good friend I would probably do exactly as her mother has and let her have it. I'm just not sure that letting her have it would have any effect whatsoever, and it might even be counterproductive.

 

 

...One way or another it needs to end, either she's gonna be with this OM completely or she's gonna work on the marriage 100% and never talk or converse or be around the OM in any way shape or form again.

 

And if she cant do that. I'd go to a divorce lawyer asap, get moving boxes, start seperating funds, take off my wedding ring, tell the kids, and make life without her.

 

A man doesnt need this vile of a woman to be happy.

 

Ultimatum or not it needs to end, how much does he have to put up with?

[amerikajin]

...One way or another it needs to end, either she's gonna be with this OM completely or she's gonna work on the marriage 100% and never talk or converse or be around the OM in any way shape or form again.

 

I don't disagree with you. It needs to end. I predict it will end anyway in the not-too-distant future. The question is, under what circumstances will it end and how far will it have gone by that point?

 

And if she cant do that. I'd go to a divorce lawyer asap, get moving boxes, start seperating funds, take off my wedding ring, tell the kids, and make life without her.

 

Do that if, and only if, you want a divorce. It seems rather illogical to go to a divorce lawyer if you're looking to get leverage in an attempt to salvage a relationship.

 

A man doesnt need this vile of a woman to be happy.

 

Ultimatum or not it needs to end, how much does he have to put up with?

 

I think the real issue is, the OP can still has the chance to do something to save his marriage, but it's a delicate situation. I think it requires more than just a "f*ck the b*tch" attitude. The emotions are completely understandable -- it would be odd if he didn't feel that way. But at the end of the day, there's more than one person in this marriage, and like it or not, her feelings and her interest in the marriage is essential to making this work. The OP began this thread, I assume, because he wanted to save his marriage, not file for divorce. He could have seen an attorney for that.

[amerikajin]

I understand where you are coming from, but at what point do you say enough is enough. You route is pretty much the route our marriage counselor suggested, but I don't want to keep on living like this everyday wondering what she is talking about or worrying about the possibility of her taking the relationship to the next level with the OM.

 

Your counselor is better trained to give you real suggestions. Of course you can always switch counselors if you don't like him/her but I honestly get the sense that the MC is leading you the right way.

 

Your emotions are completely understandable, and I'd begin to wonder about you if you didn't have these feelings. You are entitled to feeling pissed and hurt.

 

As far as 'the next level' is concerned, I don't know what to tell you there. There's already an affair, even if it's just an emotional one. She's already violated the marriage by sharing her intimacy with someone else. You already know that. It's just a question as to how far it's gone, and what that all means to you, and do you feel violated enough to want to keep the marriage going?

[Chrome Barracuda]

I don't disagree with you. It needs to end. I predict it will end anyway in the not-too-distant future. The question is, under what circumstances will it end and how far will it have gone by that point?

 

 

 

Do that if, and only if, you want a divorce. It seems rather illogical to go to a divorce lawyer if you're looking to get leverage in an attempt to salvage a relationship.

 

 

 

I think the real issue is, the OP can still has the chance to do something to save his marriage, but it's a delicate situation. I think it requires more than just a "f*ck the b*tch" attitude. The emotions are completely understandable -- it would be odd if he didn't feel that way. But at the end of the day, there's more than one person in this marriage, and like it or not, her feelings and her interest in the marriage is essential to making this work. The OP began this thread, I assume, because he wanted to save his marriage, not file for divorce. He could have seen an attorney for that.

 

After a certain point I'd know I'd quit fighting for her and start kicking her out! I wouldnt care anymore I dont have the patience to fight for a woman who's being disrespectful to me. I wouldnt care if we was married or dating.

 

What's to salvage, if there's nothing left?

 

Well her feelings is about the OM, so what's the husband to do? Wait for her to stop the affair, let his self esteem plummet? Walked all over by a cheating sloar of a wife?

 

I mean why must he be so patient for her when she's doing wrong? She's the wrong party, He's over there crying his eyes out, one day those tears are gonna stop and he's gonna stop crying. That's where he's gonna to man up and start to choose his own destiny. That's why I tell these guys (and women) if the spouse is doing everything to get out the marriage especially if you been good to them, take the initiative and kick them out. Let them have the OP. Trust I've seen people feel better after the cheating party is gone.

 

I'm a type of guy who would not and will not put up with it. Married or dating, kids or not. Either she's in or not, life is too short to be indecisive.

 

Dont need a cheating woman that's messing with my physical and mental health.

[seibert253]

Shocked, time to put up or shut up. She's walked all over you for too long. You are a very patient man. If I were in your situation, she'd already be out the door.

 

But, with that being said, I think it's time you gave her an ultimatum. It goes like this; end all contact with the other man and work to repair our marriage, or pack up and move out. Pretty simple. I know it's easier said than done, but I think most will agree. Enough is enough.

 

If she loves you, she will agree, if she doesn't then it's time to find someone who will. TRUST ME, they are out there.

 

Peace my friend.

[amerikajin]

I don't think it's unreasonable to start forcing her hand a little bit, but I wouldn't start sending letters through attorneys unless you are absolutely, positively ready for a divorce. The OP could definitely move out and, in effect, have a short-term separation. In fact, if the contact with the other man doesn't stop, that's probably what I would do for a while. Move out for a few weeks. Let it sink in. Give her more time to get to a marriage counselor. If she doesn't start moving in that direction after that, then maybe the writing is on the wall. I'm not opposed to using the nuclear option, but not yet. There are steps that can be taken in between.

[Reggie]

In fact, serving papers is often cited as the best way to save a marriage. I've seen countless stories where it served as a wake up call.

Staying doormat mode, on the other hand, is rarely seen to work.

[travelgirl]

Amerikajin, no one is saying leave the bi*ch out in the cold. Most people are saying the sitting back and being a doormat approach DOES NOT work. Most of us know this personally. Sure, giving her the ultimatum could make her up and leave and say F you to Shocked. Most foggy cheaters will initially do this, especially stubborn females and I have a feeling she will do this. But if you call their bluff and let them go on their own for awhile, it snaps them out of affair fog because they have lost the security of the affair which is ironically, Shocked.

 

All of a sudden the BS is thinking about her life, her kids, her future, what has she done (not her current thinking of what has HE done to me) and what is really important to her in the long run. They DON'T think that when they have the security wimpering puppy who wants to talk things out and is always there for them. It sucks that it has to be that way but if Shocked goes thru a lot of these emotional affair threads on loveshack, he will see that working together, MC, staying at home together, "talking" and such, does not work when someone is still obsessed with another person and continues to disrespect the marriage by continuing to contact him/her. If 2-3 weeks of therapy hasn't done anything to change her at this point, they might as well go for 2-3 months or years. The outcome will STILL be the same unless he stands up for himself.

 

Shocked, I tried this approach, I really did. We have a 7 year old and I didn't want to kick him out and send the family in total crazinesss. I thought being a better person, opening up and trying to talk and understand the situation would work, but when someone is in an affair fog there needs to be a good slap in the face to shake them up. After getting help here I realized this and I did tell him to leave, go stay at a hotel. He didn't want to but when I kept my foot down, he called me crazy and left - waiting for me to say "oh no, please come back!" But it only took about 4 days for his ass to realize it wasn't going to happen. He call a MC on his own, begged to come home, gave me total transparency, stopped working with the girl etc... I took him back after 2 weeks and we then worked TOGETHER to get thru the EA and get our marriage and family back together. This was in November and things are going well but to be honest with you, my main set back time and time again is the fact that I let him walk on me after I initially found out. That is what hurts more then initially finding out about the EA. That he went behind my back after I found out and played nice. That I didn't stand up for myself sooner and that I was actually afraid of doing so and he knew it. I just don't want you to look back and regret what you are not doing now - which is respecting yourself.

[Reggie]

Travelgirl is right , IMO. Even if it does not snap her out of it, there is nothing worse than losing your self respect.

And, if the doormat route somehow works, the balance of power is forever altered in your future relationship. On some level, your wife, even if she stays, will have a level of contempt for you. You will have this for yourself, as well.