Author Shockedhusband Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 Its all so easy in theory, but so hard to even try and draw a line in the sand. I know right now that I am allowing it to continue I keep thinking maybe she will come to a realization and let it go. But really in reality will it? NO Our MC says drawing a line in the sand should be a last resort, so for now I am waiting it out...I am not sure why because know from experience that the hard line is usually the best and most effective way to egt someones attention. I never thought I would be posting here and here I am writing to all of you about the troubles with my wife..............Thank you for all you support so far I am sure I am going to need much more in the future
jnj express Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 there are good MC and bad MC. You do need to draw a line in the sand about NC. She must go NC, and if they work together she needs to get another job. There is no other way to solve this, as long as she is in contact she stays in that warm enveloping fog that makes her feel good, but it is just fantasy, she makes no real every day living decisions with her A. partner. She makes those decisions with you, she lives real life with you and it is not fun, so she is cake eating, the longer you allow this to go on, and yes you are the one who must force it to stop, the deeper she gets into her relationship. You DO need to draw a line in the sand RIGHT NOW about NC. She must become completly transparent in every way for you to be able know she is staying NC. If she won't do this then you know where mge., is going. If she wants mge., she will go NC, but right now she has no reason to worry about that, as you are just playing along and enabling her A.
lostsunsets Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Sorry to hear about your situation. I tend to be like you. A line in the sand. My advice, if she doesn't stop the contact, would be to separate financial accounts. No joint bank or credit accounts. Then I would file for divorce (you don't have to sign). This affair is going to turn physical, and soon. You have limited choices. you need to put a VAR voice activated recorder in her car and in the common places she speaks at home. But test them. I would not delay. And try marriage builders. Good luck.
travelgirl Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 So your MC is telling you both it is okay if she continues down this path "for now"? I have never heard of a MC saying it is okay for the spouse to continue seeing/talking to the other man. I would also think a MC with any kind of experience understands affair fogs and knows she will not stop seeing him on her own. The line MUST be put in place. It is an addiction right now. 40 texts a day and stopping cold turkey is impossible. She needs to expose herself to you or she will continue on this path and if it hasn't hit a PA yet, it will soon. You sulking and waiting it out makes you look worse in her eyes, not better. You aren't the good guy no matter how nice and patient you are right now, he is. He is the fantasy right now. She will be LIVID and PISSED beyond belief when you put your foot down but if you don't, you will be the one with serious regrets, not her. Oh and by the way, if you aren't happy with your MC, find another one. Sometimes it takes 2-3 tries to find the one you are both comfortable with.
Darth Vader Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 So your MC is telling you both it is okay if she continues down this path "for now"? I have never heard of a MC saying it is okay for the spouse to continue seeing/talking to the other man. I would also think a MC with any kind of experience understands affair fogs and knows she will not stop seeing him on her own. The line MUST be put in place. It is an addiction right now. 40 texts a day and stopping cold turkey is impossible. She needs to expose herself to you or she will continue on this path and if it hasn't hit a PA yet, it will soon. You sulking and waiting it out makes you look worse in her eyes, not better. You aren't the good guy no matter how nice and patient you are right now, he is. He is the fantasy right now. She will be LIVID and PISSED beyond belief when you put your foot down but if you don't, you will be the one with serious regrets, not her. Oh and by the way, if you aren't happy with your MC, find another one. Sometimes it takes 2-3 tries to find the one you are both comfortable with. An MC they're both confortable with? PLEASE! The MC they have now is enabling her to ride her OM. The poster needs to just cut this whatever loose and free himself! His wife is nothing more than a serial Cake Eater who will NEVER change! LOSE her! File for Divorce and have her pay you alimony. Oh, and I hope you have exposed those two as well.
Author Shockedhusband Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 I did not get the feeling the the MC condoned her actions. I shared with the MC that I told my wife what my bottom line was. I was committed to working this relationship out but my wife had to end contact with OM. He tried to convey that fact to my wife in a much less abrasive manner than how I came off. We go in for our one on ones with the MC this coming week.
Reggie Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I just think it is utterly amazing that any rational person would not feel the need to stop seeing her affair partner on her own. Why on earth would a person need to be told this? Isn't that what our vows say, no infidelity. Your wife is a true piece of work. Incredible.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I was committed to working this relationship out but my wife had to end contact with OM. Lots of differing feedback here. Shockedhusband, why do you feel that she refuses to go NC? Mr. Lucky
Author Shockedhusband Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 Personally I think she is addicted to the emotional high that it gives her.
2sunny Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Personally I think she is addicted to the emotional high that it gives her. and what do YOU plan to do about it?
tami-chan Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Personally I think she is addicted to the emotional high that it gives her. so now that you have come to that conclusion, what do YOU think you should do?
Author Shockedhusband Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 I have already told her that she needs to end contact with the dude I have made that clear more than once. I have also told her that there is really no chance at fixing this marriage if she is still in contact with the dude. I can't say anything is really going to happen on my end until thursday. I will kepp you all posted. Thank you for the advice for now. I am sure I will be back on here sooner than later
Darth Vader Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I have already told her that she needs to end contact with the dude I have made that clear more than once. I have also told her that there is really no chance at fixing this marriage if she is still in contact with the dude. I can't say anything is really going to happen on my end until thursday. I will kepp you all posted. Thank you for the advice for now. I am sure I will be back on here sooner than later What we're trying to tell you is, No consequences for her actions, no motivation for change! The thing is, I think she has to lose you to finally get it! Find someone else, you deserve better!
Mr. Lucky Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Personally I think she is addicted to the emotional high that it gives her. Have your told your MC this in front of your wife? It seems to me (and others) that you're not willing to confront this head-on. Right now, at least emotionally, she's choosing the OM over you. You're going to have to force her to make a choice and the structured environment of counseling is a good way to do so. Keep us posted... Mr. Lucky
travelgirl Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Besides confronting the situation, how about confronting the other man? How about exposing this at her work? How about letting her parents or siblings know what is going on? Confronting AND exposing is the only way to get NC to work.
2sunny Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I have already told her that she needs to end contact with the dude I have made that clear more than once. I have also told her that there is really no chance at fixing this marriage if she is still in contact with the dude. I can't say anything is really going to happen on my end until thursday. I will kepp you all posted. Thank you for the advice for now. I am sure I will be back on here sooner than later ya, you've told her that and it obviously doesn't mean a thing to her. throw her out! where are the consequences for her actions? there's no follow through and she thinks you don't mean what you say. why are you waiting until Thursday? she has made it perfectly clear that she will do what she wants. draw the line and force her to face the chaos she's created.
seibert253 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Besides confronting the situation, how about confronting the other man? How about exposing this at her work? How about letting her parents or siblings know what is going on? Confronting AND exposing is the only way to get NC to work. Do this sooner rather that later.
seibert253 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 ya, you've told her that and it obviously doesn't mean a thing to her. throw her out! where are the consequences for her actions? there's no follow through and she thinks you don't mean what you say. why are you waiting until Thursday? she has made it perfectly clear that she will do what she wants. draw the line and force her to face the chaos she's created. Then after doing the above, do this.
lostsunsets Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 You both need to stop drinking first off. Why? Because alcohol removes inhibitions. She already wants to have sex with this other man. Exactly how do you think alcohol removes that desire. If she keeps hanging around with him and getting sozzeled. It is only a matter of time before the panties come off.
Owl Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I have already told her that she needs to end contact with the dude I have made that clear more than once. I have also told her that there is really no chance at fixing this marriage if she is still in contact with the dude. I can't say anything is really going to happen on my end until thursday. I will kepp you all posted. Thank you for the advice for now. I am sure I will be back on here sooner than later If you don't back this up with SOME kind of "or else"...then absolutely nothing will change. I've been through this too. My wife had an EA with someone she met online. And if there were no repercussions, no consequences...the affar would have continued unabated. Ask your MC...point blank...what their "plan" is for ending the affair and saving your marriage. If they're not going to put "teeth" into this...how do they intend to get your wife to stop seeing OM? Personally...I think you need a new MC.
2sure Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Having been BS and having a marriage that survived... The first time I caught my H - I did exactly what you are doing. I used words. Basically nothing. His behavior did not change. The second time, I contacted OW, I took away H's cell phone and computer privacy. By doing those things I was able to stop the affair, make him step away from the addiction (for attention). After that, I took action to make him realize that if infidelity of any kind were to enter my life - HE would be his own victim. Not until the WS is hurt by their own actions will they begin to perceive that their actions are not harmless. You can do what you want - but by being polite and respectful - you are losing your marriage (and your mind) . You have to step up here, for both of you, and take action.
Author Shockedhusband Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 It sucks to say this but I think my wife is emotionally gone from our relationship I can't even share my problems with her anymore, it has been very stressful here at work with layoffs all over the place and I just needed someone to vent to last night and she stared away blankly I tried to talk with her about what we are going through hoping to get something out of her. She told me she didn't want to talk because I did't get her points about me contributing to the situation we are in I told her that what hurts me the most is that she doesn't have any remorse for what happened. I have not heard a single apology from her. She responded with how about an apology from you. She then inferred that I was over reacting to a simple friendship. I can't even have a calm conversation with her about what is going on becuase she throws it back in my face and gets angry. She even went to a point of turning up the TV while I was trying to talk to her. I have a feeling that there is only one thing left to do and that is serve her papers. At this point I am not even sure marriage counseling is going to work because if you have one party that's willing to fight and the other wants to have her cake and eat it too its never going to work
lostsunsets Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Serve her. Close all joint bank accounts. Tell her "if I can't trust you with my heart. I can't trust you with my money."
travelgirl Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 It sucks to say this but I think my wife is emotionally gone from our relationship I can't even share my problems with her anymore, it has been very stressful here at work with layoffs all over the place and I just needed someone to vent to last night and she stared away blankly I tried to talk with her about what we are going through hoping to get something out of her. She told me she didn't want to talk because I did't get her points about me contributing to the situation we are in I told her that what hurts me the most is that she doesn't have any remorse for what happened. I have not heard a single apology from her. She responded with how about an apology from you. She then inferred that I was over reacting to a simple friendship. I can't even have a calm conversation with her about what is going on becuase she throws it back in my face and gets angry. She even went to a point of turning up the TV while I was trying to talk to her. I have a feeling that there is only one thing left to do and that is serve her papers. At this point I am not even sure marriage counseling is going to work because if you have one party that's willing to fight and the other wants to have her cake and eat it too its never going to work You are setting yourself up to fail. PLEASE look back on the comments and suggestions left here for you and follow them. These are by people that have "been there, done that" including myself. I know it is easier said then done but we have done it. Pleading with her and playing nice guy will get you NOTHING but grief. That is what you are doing. She is in lala land with her "friendship" and could care less what you think. She is labeling you the bad guy to take the wrong off of her EA. But sitting there and rationalizing with her doesn't work. She WANTS you to suffer because in her messed up affair fog, she blames YOU for her wanting to be with someone else. If it wasn't for you, she wouldn't have wanted to spend time with another man. Blah blah. I am not saying when you are in MC, to blame everything on her. There are always 2 people that cause a marriage to crumble, but it DOES NOT mean you can condone affairs and at this point if she is showing NO remorse of her actions, there is no reason to talk about anything you have possibly done wrong in the marriage anyway. It will only justify her affair in her eyes. It sounds like you want to save your marriage but you need to take drastic changes. If you don't draw a line in the sand and stick with it, nothing will ever change. You have to decide what the line is and what the repurcussions are but it has to be something that will force change. You also have to realize that since she has yet to show remorse, she is going to show severe anger against you first, it won't be a quick aha moment so you need to stick to your guns even if she seems like she WANTS to leave or wants to divorce. Don't get scared and turn back into that puppy dog. It will be the worse mistake you could ever make. Personally, I think you need to kick her out, tell her you are done with talking to her, separate financials and tell her IF she wants to continue MC, you will but if she is only going there to justify her affair, don't bother wasting the money. PERIOD.
seibert253 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 You are setting yourself up to fail. PLEASE look back on the comments and suggestions left here for you and follow them. These are by people that have "been there, done that" including myself. I know it is easier said then done but we have done it. Pleading with her and playing nice guy will get you NOTHING but grief. That is what you are doing. She is in lala land with her "friendship" and could care less what you think. She is labeling you the bad guy to take the wrong off of her EA. But sitting there and rationalizing with her doesn't work. She WANTS you to suffer because in her messed up affair fog, she blames YOU for her wanting to be with someone else. If it wasn't for you, she wouldn't have wanted to spend time with another man. Blah blah. I am not saying when you are in MC, to blame everything on her. There are always 2 people that cause a marriage to crumble, but it DOES NOT mean you can condone affairs and at this point if she is showing NO remorse of her actions, there is no reason to talk about anything you have possibly done wrong in the marriage anyway. It will only justify her affair in her eyes. It sounds like you want to save your marriage but you need to take drastic changes. If you don't draw a line in the sand and stick with it, nothing will ever change. You have to decide what the line is and what the repurcussions are but it has to be something that will force change. You also have to realize that since she has yet to show remorse, she is going to show severe anger against you first, it won't be a quick aha moment so you need to stick to your guns even if she seems like she WANTS to leave or wants to divorce. Don't get scared and turn back into that puppy dog. It will be the worse mistake you could ever make. Personally, I think you need to kick her out, tell her you are done with talking to her, separate financials and tell her IF she wants to continue MC, you will but if she is only going there to justify her affair, don't bother wasting the money. PERIOD. Right on the money here.
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