Why doesn't the husband/wife end the marriage?

[GreenEyedLady]

That interesting. so what kind of marriages are the kind that break up? the men who are having extra marrital affairs seem to stay in their marriage longer than any i've heard.

 

The ones who truly aren't happy at home and aren't afraid to start over.

[GreenEyedLady]

Point acknowledged. I have never been a BS, although there were a LOT of other issues in my M. I do not understand how a M can get past an A, but it obviously happens. Those who do manage to get beyond it are cut from a different cloth than I am. I don't understand it at all.

 

I think just because a M doesn't break up, doesn't mean that the M gets past an A. It's still there. It's just that there are other factors involved. For example, alot of people really think they should stay if they have kids. I've read SI and there are so many couples who truly destest their spouse, but feel like they have to stay for the kids to have an intact family.

 

The number of couples on SI that truly are happy after infidelity is a small minority. It seems like the bulk of them want to stick around to torture their spouse with it for the rest of their lives.

[MeaganRaye]

So you think that just because a man has an affair with you then he has to lose all pride or joy that he has in his family?

 

And you think that you will get happiness from sabotaging his marriage, because you have petty jealousy that he is proud of his son making honor roll, or proud that his wife was given the hospital service league Volunteer of the Year, or proud that his daughter is teaching autistic kids their alphabet?

Yeah, pretty much. The MM should know not to talk about the M like that in front of the OW, because of how it should make her feel, after all she is waiting to be apart of his life. If he is smart, he defintely wouldn't do that in front of me, or he'd pay the cost and regret it.

[jj33]

Meagan not all MMs assume that the OW is waiting to be apart of his life. And even if they do, they have families and lives that will continue to go on after they divorce.

 

What would you do if you were involved with someone who had children? How would you deal with the fact that he would continue to have some interaction with his ex wife?

 

Even if there arent children and the MM knows you expect to be a part of his life, if you are with people who know him as a married man, they may ask questions about his family and he has to respond even if you are there. And if he divorced he may have some sort of relationship with his wife's family - it would inclulde you but still.

 

The point is the man's past doesnt disappear its often very different than when you were simply dating someone and you break up and never speak again.

[bentnotbroken]

Meagan not all MMs assume that the OW is waiting to be apart of his life. And even if they do, they have families and lives that will continue to go on after they divorce.

 

What would you do if you were involved with someone who had children? How would you deal with the fact that he would continue to have some interaction with his ex wife?

 

Even if there arent children and the MM knows you expect to be a part of his life, if you are with people who know him as a married man, they may ask questions about his family and he has to respond even if you are there. And if he divorced he may have some sort of relationship with his wife's family - it would inclulde you but still.

 

The point is the man's past doesnt disappear its often very different than when you were simply dating someone and you break up and never speak again.[/QUOTE]

 

 

Not only does the past not disappear, the ow will either adjust or get dumped.

[Lucky_One]

Meagan, I don't know if you are an OW or planning to be one, but if you are, I hope your MM knows that you will not stop at any length to destroy those that are precious to him just because you are not a part of it.

 

Ditto. Ditto.

 

And again, ditto.

[Lucky_One]

Yeah, pretty much. The MM should know not to talk about the M like that in front of the OW, because of how it should make her feel, after all she is waiting to be apart of his life. If he is smart, he defintely wouldn't do that in front of me, or he'd pay the cost and regret it.

 

If an OW has such self-esteem and mental health problems that hearing good things about other people give her such unreasoning hatred and jealousy that she will stop at nothing to hurt someone that she claims to love, then I would say that she needs to end the relationship now, because she has psychopathic tendencies.

[bentnotbroken]

If an OW has such self-esteem and mental health problems that hearing good things about other people give her such unreasoning hatred and jealousy that she will stop at nothing to hurt someone that she claims to love, then I would say that she needs to end the relationship now, because she has psychopathic tendencies.

 

 

Careful. When I suggested she seek counseling, she didn't like it one bit.

[jj33]

Absolutely Bent - if you dont accept the other people in your partner's life (especially family members) you are a goner.

 

And who would want to be with someone who turned their back on their family? I know I know its inconsistent with cheating, but to turn back on children or other family members or friends just because they were part of his old life? Seems unlikely to happen except to the extent it happens naturally, which its bound to to some extent if someone leaves for the OP. Although I did know one woman who married someone who all but forgot his kids when he married her, but those two deserve each other...

 

Meagan, when you are in school and you break up with someone, you tell your friends what a jerk he was and you move on. When someone breaks up with another girlfriend and starts dating you, you may never see her again except in passing. But when someone has been married its a lot different.

[Sugarcane]

The ones who truly aren't happy at home and aren't afraid to start over.

 

Are you saying that it could be possible that the ones that are afraid or not ending it are actually happy at home but have this "victim" thing painted over them to OW just so they could have their cake? I can't quite form my question correctly because it's middle of the night here.... but I hope that makes sense.

[OpenBook]

I think just because a M doesn't break up, doesn't mean that the M gets past an A. It's still there. It's just that there are other factors involved. For example, alot of people really think they should stay if they have kids. I've read SI and there are so many couples who truly destest their spouse, but feel like they have to stay for the kids to have an intact family.

 

The number of couples on SI that truly are happy after infidelity is a small minority. It seems like the bulk of them want to stick around to torture their spouse with it for the rest of their lives.

 

And I definitely don't understand why either party would want the rest of their lives played out like that, either (although I know what you're talking about, and have witnessed that scenario many times!!). What a miserable way to live.

[GreenEyedLady]

Are you saying that it could be possible that the ones that are afraid or not ending it are actually happy at home but have this "victim" thing painted over them to OW just so they could have their cake? I can't quite form my question correctly because it's middle of the night here.... but I hope that makes sense.

 

I'm saying that *gasp* they are lying to the OW and they're happy just where they are.

 

They want the facade of the perfect family and they want the ego stroke from the OW.

 

I think sometimes there are those who represent their situation correctly unhappy etc., but exaggerate and there are those that straight out lie.

 

And there are the unhappily married men that eventually leave.

 

And i don't mean to sound cavalier or that it should be an easy decision. I just think it depends on the MM, his W and the OW. I would say in most cases they don't leave because there's such an unknown with the OW. Unless they are able to see her in daily life and see what it would really be like, they are less likely to take that jump. With their W they already know what it's like. And they don't want to be "worse" off. KWIM?

[Mr. Lucky]

Yeah, pretty much. The MM should know not to talk about the M like that in front of the OW, because of how it should make her feel, after all she is waiting to be apart of his life. If he is smart, he defintely wouldn't do that in front of me, or he'd pay the cost and regret it.

You have an absolutely infantile level of reasoning. Have you ever put two toys in front of a two-year old? He'll pick one and be perfectly happy playing with it unless someone shows an interest in the other one. Then he'll cry and scream unless he gets that toy also. He wants what ever he doesn't have.

 

Why not work on making your life better rather than making someone else's life worse ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Athena]

 

I cant even imagine how I would feel if we were married and he cheated on me. My whole world would come crashing down.

 

Sigh, yes, your whole world comes crashing down on you when you first discover your spouse has been cheating on you. Then you try to figure out what to do.

When your spouse shows remorse, says they only did it for sex, nothing more... and that they are sorry and will never do it again, it is extremely difficult to throw him away.

 

Besides -- OP Meagan -- where does it say in the marriage vows that upon finding out about an affair, the BS should immediately divorce?! Aren't the vows, "For better or worse"?

You give it a go. Especially if the CS is regretting his affair!!!

[bentnotbroken]

It seems strange that BS aren't expected to honor the marriage vows after finding out their spouse cheated. The bible says adultery is a very valid reason for divorcing. Yet some spouses (who are a hell of a lot stronger than I am, my hat's off to you) want their spouses and they want to stay married, especially if like Athena said, show remorse. Unfortunately, some of us only get that after divorce.

 

 

The vows really do mean something.. everything to some people. There is a basis, a foundation toward a(what most of us believe) is a strong marriage. Investment is what it boils down to I think. Investment of time, emotions, arguments, make-ups, births, deaths, celebrations, lows, highs, rich, poor, poorer:lmao:, first steps, anniversaries.......years worth. They aren't that easy for BS to walk away from. Even with the pain of lies and betrayal, sometimes the love is more than enough to overcome these injustices. It is evident here on LS. Many BS stayed and are more than happy they did, the WS as well.

 

The question asked by the OP, seems to be more about her own rationalization of why BS stay. Just as BS rationalize(and generalize) relationships with AP the truth is most of the time, it isn't about making a spouse pay, keeping them from AP, or even the children. It is simply about love, not necessarily healthy love, but love the only way they may know how to love.

[Sugarcane]

I'm saying that *gasp* they are lying to the OW and they're happy just where they are.

 

They want the facade of the perfect family and they want the ego stroke from the OW.

 

I think sometimes there are those who represent their situation correctly unhappy etc., but exaggerate and there are those that straight out lie.

 

And there are the unhappily married men that eventually leave.

 

And i don't mean to sound cavalier or that it should be an easy decision. I just think it depends on the MM, his W and the OW. I would say in most cases they don't leave because there's such an unknown with the OW. Unless they are able to see her in daily life and see what it would really be like, they are less likely to take that jump. With their W they already know what it's like. And they don't want to be "worse" off. KWIM?

 

I got you. Thanks. I think part of the reason MM is afraid of leaving even though he is unhappy is that he doesn't see me on a daily basis.

[White Flower]

Even when the affair is discovered, it's said that the wife rarely leaves the husband, why is that?

It could be that the MM was so skilled in minimizing the details of the A and she felt at that point the M was worth saving.

 

I know I couldn't prove PA, and was willing to work on the M after I learned it was EA. If MM can convince the W it was only EA he has a chance at keeping the M intact.

[Lyssa]

It could be that the MM was so skilled in minimizing the details of the A and she felt at that point the M was worth saving.

 

I know I couldn't prove PA, and was willing to work on the M after I learned it was EA. If MM can convince the W it was only EA he has a chance at keeping the M intact.

 

Too true! Hi sweetie

[Reggie]

For men that stay, I think it is rarely dur to love. Rather, the fear of the unkown(beign alone) and the sense of competition with the OM are the driving forces. One author I read who interviewed men who stayed reports that the overwhelming majority regret staying after a year or two.

[White Flower]

Too true! Hi sweetie

Hi right back at you sweetie;)

[JMC]

I agree...I've so often wondered this question too!

 

Especially how they say marriage only stands about a 50% chance.

 

But dang, these marriages where a spouse strays seems to be drenched in Crazy Glue! I'd sure love to understand it.

 

So where's the logic? Is the key to a life-long marriage for one of the people, especially the husband, to stray? Sure seems like it.

 

Fits right into my crazy-quilt, upside-down, pretzel-logic, catch-22, totally confused views of life nowadays.

[jj33]

You may be on to something JMC. In some marriages, not all or most but some, there is emotional distance between the spouses so one spouse's getting his or her needs for physical or emotional intimacy met elsewhere is not a deal breaker.

 

While the betryal hurts from an ego/vanity standpoint it doesnt touch the fabric of the marriage (we are parents, we are upstanding members of the community, we play a mean set of mixed doubles at the country club, our families have known each other for generations).

 

So if she spends more time with the golf pro and he works after hours with his secretary, it isnt the end of the world. Of course those people arent posting for the most part because they are not in the same sort of pain over the A.

 

I think that accounts for a lot of marriages. Life is so busy that I think a lot of people drift apart sometimes by design and sometimes without even realizing it. Some marriages wouldnt survive without the distance.

[noforgiveness]

I just don't get it. The ow's constantly say how can the wife be with someone who cheated. Why don't they leave? But yet they are willing to sneak around in the shadows with a man who goes home and sleeps with his wife everynight leaving her alone. It makes zero sense. They ARE with a cheater and they are with a man who does not put them first by leaving his wife and yet they stay in this deadend relationship.

[Owl]

I can't speak for a BW...but I can speak for why I didn't end my marriage.

 

Here's the thing. My wife's EA occurred when we'd been married for 17 years. I'd seen the down hill emotional slide she'd been in during the year leading up to her EA, but had pretty much been powerless to do anything to stop it.

 

Don't get me wrong...I tried everything I could think of.

 

But it was one of those things that was out of MY control...the only way things were gonna get better would be after she hit rock bottom, and decided to make the changes because SHE wanted to.

 

Then, d-day.

 

Yep, I debated all kinds of actions at the time. I was so emotionally devestated by her "falling in love with OM" that EVERYTHING went through my mind. You name it, I considered it.

 

But here's the thing. Sure, our marriage had had it's ups and downs...show me a 17 year relationship that doesn't. But our marriage was definitely "mostly ups". Other than that last year, we'd had a long time history of a lot of wonderful time and love together. We had a heck of a foundation to rebuild from. We weren't a longtime "troubled marriage" at all. She wasn't a serial cheater, either. I honestly believed that we COULD recover...if I could figure out how to get to that point.

 

So that's exactly what I started working towards.

 

I won't bore you with details...suffice to say, it worked.

 

All of this was around this time five years ago.

 

We're HAPPY. We've been in a good "up" again for a good while. Things are wonderful between the two of us.

 

She's not being "held hostage" over what happened, she's not being tortured for her transgressions. We both learned from what we went through, made changes in our behaviors and improved our marriage...and the past is past.

 

So why didn't I end the marriage when I found out about the affair????

 

Because I knew how good our marriage had been...and how good it could still be if we worked through the issues that led to the affair.

 

Because I knew that she still loved me, and I still loved her.

 

Because I knew that what she was doing was a one time thing, mostly caused by poor choices and a bad situation all coming together to create the "perfect storm".

 

Because I knew that what we had was worth trying to recover.

 

MR...does this answer your question?

[herenow]

As much as some OW can't understand why a BW would give her H a second chance, I can't understand why a woman would have an affair with a MM knowing that he has a wife at home that he is still married to. To me, that later of the two scenarios sounds like a worse choice.

 

From what I have experience and read here on LS many times, the first reaction of most BW's is to kick their H out. I know I did and I had a meeting with a lawyer the very next day.

 

We went to MC, not to reconcile, to figure out how to best deal with our kids. When the MC asked me to wait to file for divorce, I agreed and I'm glad I did. When I saw my H was willing to make changes in his life, I became willing to make some necessary changes myself. Why did I forgive him? First, I'm not perfect and I had to accept that both of us are responsible for the heath of our marriage. Second, I felt our marriage was worth a chance.

 

Does that mean that I blame the OW or myself for my H's choice to have an affair? Not one bit! My H is the one I blame 100%. He is the one that broke his promise to me and he has taken 100% of the blame for that choice. I don't know the OW, have never spoken to the OW and she isn't part of my life, so it would be ridiculous to blame her for my situation. However, I'm not responsible for her choice or pain either.

 

As far as staying for fear or low self esteem. Had I not spent time away from my H, that may have been true. But, I didn't allow him back into my life until I was certain that my kids would be fine if we divorced and that I would be fine on my own. Once I was secure knowing that, I was able to make decisions based on want and not need.

 

So, I really don't expect an OW to understand how my marriage can survive and even be stronger after my H's affair. But, please don't expect me to understand how an OW can have an affair with a MM which to me sounds so much more destructive.