Why doesn't the husband/wife end the marriage?

[fooled once]

I agree with the poster who asked why doesn't the man/woman leave a marriage before cheating.

 

Know why? Cause they really don't want to leave the marriage. they enjoy the thrill of sneaking around, getting their ego stroked, etc.

 

Why does a BS not leave? Are you really asking "why doesn't that BS leave so I can have that man?"

 

<shrug>

 

Each woman has to decide if a "mistake" (because that is what the OW is) is worth throwing away probably years of making a family; years of loving someone; years of building a life with someone.

 

Everyone screws up. No marriage is perfect.

 

If a marriage is soooo horrible, then I would think a person would leave it. Obviously, the WS is full of crap about the marriage being so horrible because if it was, who would voluntarily stay in such a horrible place. Something is making them stay; and I highly doubt it is a gun to anyone's head.

 

Sure, some (and I would bet maybe only 3-5% of cheaters leave the marriage and rush into the arms of the person they cheated with.

 

My question would really be -- why does a person think it is okay to sleep with a married person? Why do people think it is moral or respectable to go after and screw someone else's spouse? Why happened to having dignity and telling someone NO - come back when you are free/single?

[Lucky_One]

Since you still care for him then it would be hard to do. But to proudly talk about his family like that while you're sitting around waiting for him would be enough to turn me into a loose cannon. I woulnd't care if the person hated me forever, just sabotaging the M would give me enough gratification

 

So you think that just because a man has an affair with you then he has to lose all pride or joy that he has in his family?

 

And you think that you will get happiness from sabotaging his marriage, because you have petty jealousy that he is proud of his son making honor roll, or proud that his wife was given the hospital service league Volunteer of the Year, or proud that his daughter is teaching autistic kids their alphabet?

[jj33]

Exactly. The A is in a compartment all its own and even if he left hed still be proud of his family. He should be (youd hope). I have so little respect for people who leave and willingly give up all contact with their families as if they never existed or treat them as second best once they move onto a new wife. They are still their children and while married the W is still the W.

[whichwayisup]

Meaghan, why start all these types of threads? Are you just genuinally curious, or are you having an affair with a MM as well?

[Athena]

I left my husband for good when he cheated. I found out on a Friday and the house was on the market with a sign on the lawn in 2 days.

 

Wow, that's very quick and decisive! Good for you! Did you ever look back and regret anything?

Did he go to OW?

[NoIDidn't]

They don't leave because they don't want to. Too many potential reasons to list. And all of them are really noone else's business to debate over their worthiness.

 

 

Instead of asking why the betrayed doesn't leave after the cheating, the question really should be of the wayward of why didn't they leave BEFORE they ever cheated! Cart before the horse, maybe? I dunno.

[ForumFool]

Some women have small kids and have never worked they fear the loss of income..some have low self esteem...so many reasons

 

Me I am soon out the door......by mid to end of summer..I stay right NOW ONLY because I own half the house and do not have my own income right now...but he is dust. I deserve better ..thus its adios mofo

[Mr. Lucky]

Why might it drive you to sabotage it? That is a curious response.

because I woudn't be good enough to be apart of it

Unbelievable. Don't you understand that it's not your marriage or family and that's why you're not a part of it? If your neighbor has a new car sitting in his driveway, do you feel entitled to take it for a joyride? It's not yours, simple as that...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NoIDidn't]

If your neighbor has a new car sitting in his driveway, do you feel entitled to take it for a joyride?

 

Yes. And if they get mad at her for doing so, she'll sabotage it so that they can't ever enjoy it again.

 

If she can't have it, noone can.

[tami-chan]

Meagan, I don't know if you are an OW or planning to be one, but if you are, I hope your MM knows that you will not stop at any length to destroy those that are precious to him just because you are not a part of it.

[Stepone]

What a strong woman. I like to believe I would do the same.

 

It does seem that there is a pattern. Women who leave their husbands straight away like this tend to see the fault of the man, whereas wives who stay witha cheater can (often naively) forgive their husbands, deny he had any part in it, but live with an everlasting hatred for the maneating temptress that is the other woman.. why is this?

 

I left my husband for good when he cheated. I found out on a Friday and the house was on the market with a sign on the lawn in 2 days.

 

I could have stayed- I gave up a lot of security by leaving, and he wanted to mend things.

 

It was the OW who got my number and called me to tell me she was pregnant. I just couldn't stay with him after that.

 

However, as a BS... I never did blame the OW. It was my H who was at fault. I didn't even think about making it work after finding out.

[OpenBook]

It does seem that there is a pattern. Women who leave their husbands straight away like this tend to see the fault of the man, whereas wives who stay witha cheater can (often naively) forgive their husbands, deny he had any part in it, but live with an everlasting hatred for the maneating temptress that is the other woman.. why is this?

 

I'm with you Stepone, it seems that way to me too. I have a theory - it's the only way that a BS CAN mentally stay with a cheater and betrayer... to view their CS as the innocent victim:rolleyes: and deflect blame onto the outside party. In other words, they change their perception of reality so that they are able to bear it.

 

And who am I to say this is the wrong way to live? I could never live my own life that way. But I am not everyone else, and they're not me.

[marlena]

I'm with you Stepone, it seems that way to me too. I have a theory - it's the only way that a BS CAN mentally stay with a cheater and betrayer... to view their CS as the innocent victim:rolleyes: and deflect blame onto the outside party. In other words, they change their perception of reality so that they are able to bear it.

 

 

It's true. At least, it was for me. I couldn't blame the OW. Just him. This coupled with the knowledge that he was bad news any which way you looked at it.

 

But I think most stay out of fear. Fear of loneliness, fear of the unknown, of failure, of losing their security, money, dependency, convenience, complacency and I guess out of love, too.

 

I can understand people who give their spouses a second chance when he has other redeeming qualities. What I can't understand is people who stay with spouses who continually abuse them in any size, shape or form. This as far as I am concerned indicates that the person himself/herself has issues that are as heavy as the issues of the person doing the abuse.

[NoIDidn't]

What a strong woman. I like to believe I would do the same.

 

It does seem that there is a pattern. Women who leave their husbands straight away like this tend to see the fault of the man, whereas wives who stay witha cheater can (often naively) forgive their husbands, deny he had any part in it, but live with an everlasting hatred for the maneating temptress that is the other woman.. why is this?

 

I'm with you Stepone, it seems that way to me too. I have a theory - it's the only way that a BS CAN mentally stay with a cheater and betrayer... to view their CS as the innocent victim:rolleyes: and deflect blame onto the outside party. In other words, they change their perception of reality so that they are able to bear it.

 

And who am I to say this is the wrong way to live? I could never live my own life that way. But I am not everyone else, and they're not me.

 

 

Everytime I see this view, it makes me cringe. I guess its easy to have this view when you only see the BS speaking with the OPs on this site. But I can tell you that the WS is blamed far more than the person that helped them. And I don't think I've ever seen a thread with a BS claiming that their spouse didn't take part in the cheating. That is beyond exaggerating to make a point.

 

I think its wrong for the OP to think of themselves as some kind of victims of the MP, too. Enough of them harp on and on about all the promises that were made to them. And I wonder, can you really trust the promises of a person that you know is already married?

 

Its sad that some former OPs can't or just won't allow themselves to see the the Betrayed blames both for the A. Both are guilty as both were in the A. And unless the BS knew the AP before the A, it isn't like there's any love lost anyway.

 

In my sitch, I didn't blame the ow. I blamed my H. He took vows with me in front of my family. He knew how much it would hurt me if he cheated. In fact, he fully expected me to throw him out and was afraid of that outcome. I didn't. I was in too much shock. The OW, she didn't think that my H had enough consequences for what he and I did TO HER. Because I called the many numbers that my H used to contact her, how was I to know that one was her mother's house? Her mother was NOT happy about what she was doing. And I never told her mother why I was calling. I lied and told her that we went to high school together and I moved away and was back in the area. But I did try to reach her BF. But ended up with his parents instead. And again, didn't say a word to them about why I was calling. Either way, she felt that I was lashing out at her, when I was just trying to find out what the hell was really going on as I wasn't going to trust my H's word on everything.

 

I never contacted her again. I was tempted but resisted. But she called and called and emailed and emailed my H, often just to tell him that she was still hurting. I chalk it up to her being young. I remember being young and naive too. I don't let her totally off the hook as she knew he was married too, even if he didn't want to act that way for a moment.

 

I don't think that my H used her or that she used him, not maliciously anyway. They were both vulnerable. They both broke the hearts of their SOs. I don't think that either were horrible people.

 

On the other hand, I think that OPs that feel that the WS got off scott free are just out to see the WS lose everything because they got their feelings hurt. It was an affair. Everybody got hurt, but somehow they see their pain as bigger and more deserving of recompense. They seem to want the satisfaction of knowing that they didn't get him and the BS didn't keep them and 'let them off the hook' by allowing them to stay.

 

Somewhere along the line reconciling the marriage = let the cheater off the hook to some. Doesn't make any sense to me, but apparently it does to others. OH well.

[NoIDidn't]

I can understand people who give their spouses a second chance when he has other redeeming qualities. What I can't understand is people who stay with spouses who continually abuse them in any size, shape or form. This as far as I am concerned indicates that the person himself/herself has issues that are as heavy as the issues of the person doing the abuse.

 

Lots of people get abused without ever being cheated on. Not sure where you are going with this.

 

But you are correct. Its called CoDependence. And Co-Dependents tend to hook up with Addicts (to whatever they may be addicted to) regularly. I couldn't do it myself.

[OpenBook]

Everytime I see this view, it makes me cringe. I guess its easy to have this view when you only see the BS speaking with the OPs on this site. But I can tell you that the WS is blamed far more than the person that helped them. And I don't think I've ever seen a thread with a BS claiming that their spouse didn't take part in the cheating. That is beyond exaggerating to make a point.

 

I think its wrong for the OP to think of themselves as some kind of victims of the MP, too. Enough of them harp on and on about all the promises that were made to them. And I wonder, can you really trust the promises of a person that you know is already married?

 

Its sad that some former OPs can't or just won't allow themselves to see the the Betrayed blames both for the A. Both are guilty as both were in the A. And unless the BS knew the AP before the A, it isn't like there's any love lost anyway.

 

In my sitch, I didn't blame the ow. I blamed my H. He took vows with me in front of my family. He knew how much it would hurt me if he cheated. In fact, he fully expected me to throw him out and was afraid of that outcome. I didn't. I was in too much shock. The OW, she didn't think that my H had enough consequences for what he and I did TO HER. Because I called the many numbers that my H used to contact her, how was I to know that one was her mother's house? Her mother was NOT happy about what she was doing. And I never told her mother why I was calling. I lied and told her that we went to high school together and I moved away and was back in the area. But I did try to reach her BF. But ended up with his parents instead. And again, didn't say a word to them about why I was calling. Either way, she felt that I was lashing out at her, when I was just trying to find out what the hell was really going on as I wasn't going to trust my H's word on everything.

 

I never contacted her again. I was tempted but resisted. But she called and called and emailed and emailed my H, often just to tell him that she was still hurting. I chalk it up to her being young. I remember being young and naive too. I don't let her totally off the hook as she knew he was married too, even if he didn't want to act that way for a moment.

 

I don't think that my H used her or that she used him, not maliciously anyway. They were both vulnerable. They both broke the hearts of their SOs. I don't think that either were horrible people.

 

On the other hand, I think that OPs that feel that the WS got off scott free are just out to see the WS lose everything because they got their feelings hurt. It was an affair. Everybody got hurt, but somehow they see their pain as bigger and more deserving of recompense. They seem to want the satisfaction of knowing that they didn't get him and the BS didn't keep them and 'let them off the hook' by allowing them to stay.

 

"Methinks thou dost protest too much"!! That's just like you, to turn it around and put all the focus on the OW, when the topic of this thread is about the parties in the marriage. Your strategy (repeated MANY times here in the OM/OW forum that you haunt) all too eloquently illustrates my point.

 

Somewhere along the line reconciling the marriage = let the cheater off the hook to some. Doesn't make any sense to me' date=' but apparently it does to others. OH well.[/quote']

 

That's EXACTLY what it is!! But it doesn't surprise me that you don't see it.

[marlena]

Lots of people get abused without ever being cheated on. Not sure where you are going with this.

 

 

I meant that cheating is not the only form of abuse there is. We are saying the exact same thing.

[Woggle]

Some people have no self respect and believe it is their duty to take whatever crap is shoveled their way. Also some people are in shock after discovering an affair and it takes a while for the brain to adjust after having everything they was true shattered.

[Reggie]

For men that stay , I've read the inital desire stems from fear and competitiveness. Most regret the decisionafter these wear off. It is such a shock that for the first year or so, they cling to the WS. But, it becomes clear, after a while, that the marriage will , in most cases, never be good again.

[bentnotbroken]

What a strong woman. I like to believe I would do the same.

 

It does seem that there is a pattern. Women who leave their husbands straight away like this tend to see the fault of the man, whereas wives who stay witha cheater can (often naively) forgive their husbands, deny he had any part in it, but live with an everlasting hatred for the maneating temptress that is the other woman.. why is this?

 

 

You can forgive and still not reconcile. I don't think it is all the ow fault, he pursued her. She just let him catch her. THEY, the 2 of them, destroyed our family and hers. They both are equally responsible for the destruction that they left in their wake and others continue to have to deal with. No naivete on my part about either of them. And forgiveness had nothing to do with either of them, only my relationship with God. There is no hatred for either, just disgust, pity and confusion as to why 2 supposedly intelligent people would blow up the worlds of so many people.

[bentnotbroken]

Meagan, I don't know if you are an OW or planning to be one, but if you are, I hope your MM knows that you will not stop at any length to destroy those that are precious to him just because you are not a part of it.

 

 

WOW, call AP. We agree on something.

[jj33]

"Methinks thou dost protest too much"!! That's just like you, to turn it around and put all the focus on the OW, when the topic of this thread is about the parties in the marriage. Your strategy (repeated MANY times here in the OM/OW forum that you haunt) all too eloquently illustrates my point.

 

That's EXACTLY what it is!! But it doesn't surprise me that you don't see it.

 

Before I was the OW I would have agreed with you. But now seeing how convoluted affairs can be, and watching xMM struggle with what it would mean to leave, I can see that its not that black and white.

 

Open Book were you ever a BS? I have not been but I can see how the marriage can be bigger than the betryal of the A. Personally I am not sure I could live with it, but you never know until you are in those shoes.

 

All sorts of transgressions happen in relationships. Even in the best of marriages there are hurts and wounds and things that happen between people. My sense now having been through the A is that f the marriage is important enough to both spouses you find ways to get past them, and you move on. Sometimes stronger sometimes not, but you move on.

 

I just dont see how anyone could blame a BS for being willing to forge a way forward. Marriages should not be disposable. Sometimes the A is a symptom of deeper problems in the marriage, sometimes it is simply a reflection of the WS's issues. I am not excusing it and not sure I could if I were the BS, but I dont think you can make sweeping generalizations here.

[jj33]

Meagan there is huge jealousy that can go along with being the person on the side; the one who is not in the center of the MMs life. But if you get into a relationship with a married man, you do that with your eyes wide open.

 

If you accept that you are getting involved with a married man, you have to accept that his family comes first and a marriage consists fo 2 people. You may want to think (as i did initially) that noone would become involved with and fall in love with another women if he wasnt planning to leave his W, but they do ALL THE TIME.

 

Your parents had an A and fell in love and left to build a life together. But that is the exception rather than the rule.

 

There is an implicit understanding that the OW WONT sabotage the MMs marriage or family life - hence the Fatal Attractin bunny boiler stereotype. yes men take a chance that an OW will become a bunny boiler or that the "woman scorned" will take her vengance but that is the exception again.

 

And honey if you are feeling that way GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Revenge of that sort never makes anyone feel good in the end. Everyone thinks at some point that they want the other person to hurt the way they do. But that is not love talking. That is anger and hurt. And behind it lies the hope and dream that he will be sorry and see that he should have chosen you. But its not the way to get what you really want. Which is the love that this man has professed for you.

[OpenBook]

Open Book were you ever a BS? I have not been but I can see how the marriage can be bigger than the betryal of the A. Personally I am not sure I could live with it, but you never know until you are in those shoes.

 

All sorts of transgressions happen in relationships. Even in the best of marriages there are hurts and wounds and things that happen between people. My sense now having been through the A is that f the marriage is important enough to both spouses you find ways to get past them, and you move on. Sometimes stronger sometimes not, but you move on.

 

I just dont see how anyone could blame a BS for being willing to forge a way forward. Marriages should not be disposable. Sometimes the A is a symptom of deeper problems in the marriage, sometimes it is simply a reflection of the WS's issues. I am not excusing it and not sure I could if I were the BS, but I dont think you can make sweeping generalizations here.

 

Point acknowledged. I have never been a BS, although there were a LOT of other issues in my M. I do not understand how a M can get past an A, but it obviously happens. Those who do manage to get beyond it are cut from a different cloth than I am. I don't understand it at all.

 

But I get your point, jj33. Great post!

[jj33]

Thanks Open. Its hard for me to see. Not as hard as it was but still the sense of betrayal... I just dont know what I would do. I remember when we were first spending time together. Someone who knew them had explained their deal to me but I had to ask xMM himself - what about your W? How can you do that to her? When he told me she didnt care so long as he was discreet I just looked at him and said I dont understand that I would never ever ever want anyone else to even kiss him... it just didnt compute. It seemed so sad to me. Theirs is an unusual situation but perhaps not so unusual. Of course I was SO naive that I took that to mean that the marriage was on its last legs, not that it was an unshakable institution and would survive anything until death do they part...

 

It does a little bit more now. I can see that marriages are more complicated than that and that people stay for all sorts of reasons. But I dont get it. Im not sure I am practical enough to see past the betrayal or secure enough to get past it and trust again. I tend to be very jealous if given a reason to be. Not jealous where there is no need but once there is a reason I am very jealous. It would eat away at me. But you never know until you are there.

 

I find the whole thing very difficult. We have had to spend a lot of time together recently for business and for the first time in a long time we have our old rapport back. Its just business but we have that old sparkle, people who have been in the meetings with us have commented that we are like 2 peas in a pod. And it kills me. Its too much money for me to walk away from, but if it werent I would. Its simply too painful.

 

I cant even imagine how I would feel if we were married and he cheated on me. My whole world would come crashing down.