Evanescence Posted February 24, 2004 Posted February 24, 2004 Greenbeanie I agree with you, it's just that this forum isn't exactly about ppl who have just been broken up with and their relationships are done and the person being broken up with doesn't accept it. This forum is about ppl on breaks... so it's hard to just say "let go and move on" when the relationship isn't truly over. Some of us (like myself) have decided to look at it that way though. My bf (or ex, it's a complicated situation) said that he has not closed the door on us at all and that he just needs to do his own thing for a while. It seems like both of us are confused. There are just too many variables in everyone's situation. But with most ppl's situations on this forum, it isn't that easy to just say move on. We are dwelling, I'll admit, but it's part of the grieving process. Dwelling on it TOO long, now that's a problem. As for the part where you said "they don't love us as much as we thought they did, or else they wouldn't leave us" i agree, but i partially disagree. I can't explain exactly why i disagree though. At first i completely agreed with this, but now i'm starting to disagree... who knows. Gary, i did get the file u sent me.. that's what i read. And thanks by the way ! As for the dates, I'm going to try to go on them, but the person is going to have to understand that it is a "no string attached" type thing... just a chance to go out and have a good time, that's all. If they can't understand that, then i don't want to go out with them.
GREENIEBEANIE Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Your BF said that he has not closed the door on you guys at all and that he just needs to do his own thing for a while. Well, I don't know about you, But that is a CLOSED DOOR, which may or may not be opened again. Sure he needs time alone to himself, But what if in that time he meets someone else??? Ask yourself that. Are you going to wait around til that happens? It's a Gamble. All I'm saying is we can NOT expect them to change their minds instantly and come back to us Instantly. I've seen it happen and sad but true, Sometimes they don't come back because the time apart makes them realize, They are happy without you. Just my opinion, only because I've seen it happen to 3 of my close friends...Well, And me too.
coursingthru Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 I guess some can sit and wait for that shred of hope. But if it feels like it is fading - you need to move on. I think what I was tired of hearing was "It has to be this way for now" without an explanation - makes it that much more difficult to believe in the hope. I wasn't about to sit and wonder why he left when it makes absolutely no sense. It is sad and I can't even see us back together - not even for the amazing physical relationship we shared. He has too much to work through and I am too tired emotionally to attempt a reconcilliation with him. My fear is too great that he will walk out on us again. If he gave me a valid reason why he left - maybe I could hold onto that hope but he hasn't. We had a very open relationship for the 3 years - shared things neither of us had with anyone in our life. Hence why I am dumbfounded! It's more than I can handle.
coursingthru Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 someone has to have heard this song by Sarah Mclachlan. It is my song for the week - not the weak - just to keep me strong.......... And I think a lot of us on this board can relate to the song.......it makes you cry but if you still love that person - it rips your heart.
Evanescence Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Ya, I agree. Like I said, in my situation, even though he has said things to me that seem promising, he's said equal things that make it sound like it's over, so I'm treating it like it's over, and I'm moving on. Unfortunately it's not a spontaneous thing, and that's also a reason I'm on here. I'm here to talk to people with the same situation in hopes that it will also help me move on. I'll admit I'm grasping on to a shred of hope that he'll be back some day... whether i'll want him back then is something else. But I'm telling myself that he's done, and it's over... it's just a hard thing to tell yourself.
eagle_nate Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Hey all, An update...got an e-mail, (yes an e-mail!!) that essentially wrote the final chapter, I figure there's no harm in letting you guys read it so i can get your opinion on whether or not i did the right thing. " there are some things that i can't get past...ive thought about it...also the way that i've treated you is not acceptable...i don't put an effort into you and you deserve better....it all stems from the past and i don't think i can get past it...can't get into it now. Well i was pretty upset after i read that yesterday afternoon...so I called her up and said let's meet at the park by your house. (This is/was a special place for us)...She calls me up and says she'd rather meet at a plaza or a coffee shop. That hurt, i guess i am regarded now a some creep, i don't know. So I said screw it and just went straight to her house, gave her the things that belonged to her, and said goodbye, gave her a long hug and a kiss and that was pretty much it. Not too dramatic surprisingly. She said nothing and it felt like she was looking at the paperboy. No goodbye, thankyou, nothing. Pardon me, when i said do you have anything to say she replied "I never meant to hurt you." So I will admit the truth from there...I called about ten minutes into the drive home and said I needed a goodbye. I deserve that much. And nothing. She starts saying the reasons we can't be together "right now" and I basically replied that i wasn't looking for answers, I was looking for closure in the form of goodbye. She says, "take care, call me if you need anything." And for those of you who may have studied communication...it's the way it's said not what was said....and it was dry. I never felt pain like that in my life folks. I hope nobody's story here ends up like that. Anyway, to finish the story, I said thanks a lot and hung up the phone. And you know what?? I didn't sleep much and i am hurtiing now, but it isn't so bad. I think the "break" or so to speak warmed me up for the real fall. I know that i have a long way to go but I feel confident and optimistic about the future. Sure negative thoughts and painful feelings creep in, and they will for some time, but it's about self-talk, it's about being as positive as you can be. Thanks to all you folks (U know who you are) who in the last few days or so have been a source of strength and inspiration. We agree it doesn't ease the pain too much but it helps if only for a few moments. I'll still be checking in to see how you guys make out in your efforts. For me, now it's time to begin the road to a new chapter and hopefully my soulmate is somewhere out there looking for me! Take care,
Evanescence Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Hi Nate! I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you! My god.... I can only imagine the pain! Do you feel that you got the closure that you needed? To me it sounds like it. I think you definitly did the right thing. No point holding on to her anymore. If you come back on here anytime soon, PM me and send me ur MSN contact if u have one.. I'd still really like to talk to you (plus I notice you're from TO! I didn't know that before). But yes, you definitly did the right thing, and I wish you good luck for the future! Take care!
monkey Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Doors that are closed mabe are there to be opened, i'm forever an optimist about certain things, although my s/o said i wasn't. I used to joke about the sharks in the sea when we first went to Texas together & about noy using the backstreets at night in San Antonio when she was there to get her work permit, this i meant, i was only concerned with her safety. If i said i wasn't bothered she would have criticised that. I don't think i could have won. When i get positive about things i get positive about like reconciliation & forcing my rights as consumer, that i do regularly, this is seen as something i shouldn't do. Michelle, your right about dwelling, i do because i think of our time & can't understand the coldness & lack of communication that i feel now. She always said this was important & now! Some of us can just walk away if they feel it isn't working, but we must give it chances to work, or every little hickup will result in seperation or divorce, this i see as a modern thing & why our grandparents were always together longer, they worked through things, overcoming imperfections. I still feel that in my situation & especially i think in yours that the relationship is tyred & needs to sleep a while or damaged & in need of a band aid. This is why we hold on. I've recently found i have someone interested in me & people say go for it & yes she is a nice girl that i get on with, but i have feelings for my s/o & don't know what to do, i could be pissing in the wind & she'll never comes back, but what if she does & i'm with someone else, all the feelings will come back of me wanting her so much & i know this other girl wants more than friends. I could miss out on that in hoping my s/o returns. This is all evident of time changing & knowing her she can, but she also hasn't realy had the space she wants & now she is having it, she could go back.
Evanescence Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Ok. girls are probably the only ones that will understand this comment, but they are I went to see my hairstylest today. She has been mine ever since i was little, and she did my mom's hair since before i was born. And a weird coincidence is that she has also done my ex's mom's hair for a really long time as well. So when i went in to see her today, she had already seen my ex's mom and my mom as well, and knew everything that was going on. She helped me a lot. She told me that she thinks my ex is going to follow in his father's footsteps, and these aren't necessarily good footsteps (he has been in and out of debt, as well he was an alcoholic, severely overweight, suicidal, depressed, etc). She told me how much my ex's mom has gone through and over the years she has heard so much grief from her, and she asked me if i really want to go through with all of that, and told me i should think a little more seriously about whether i truly want to be in a relationship with him anyway. See, i've always thought, what if he does follow those footsteps. When it comes to the little things, he does already. I've always thought though that i would stick with him through thick and thin, sickness and in health. I love him that much where i don't care. But now that i can take a step back from the situation and really take a look at everything, i'm wonder if it truly is worth it. Also, after hearing my story, she believes that there is someone else. There has to be. And i think i've been denying it to myself that there is, but i'm pretty sure there is now. The other explaination is that he started haning out with these new friends (and that's how it started) and they got him into things that he normally wouldn't do (drugs and/or alcohol) and that would explain the complete turn around in his personality. I think this is a little less probable that the "other girl" theory, but i'm still open to it. God, how ppl give into the pressure. I just can't wait until the day he wakes up and realizes that he f**ked up everything good that he had and now he's screwed.
eagle_nate Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 I hate to say it but i agree. I know there is someone else in the picture here too. I know she didn't do anything with him but I talk to her family and we are close and the signs are there. I can't think about that though. That is just way too tough to deal with right now. And neither should you...think about the good stuff and focus on yourself. Unfortunately the reality is...you may never know when he wakes up and says, crap i screwed up. I'm feeling the same thing but i just have to have faith in myself and everything we shared. I guess i'm struggling with the bigger picture, how can you share so much with someone to be hurt like that. Well, they say it is so that when you find "the one" it will be so you don't take it for granted! i sure hope so cause this sucks! What's interesting Ev is that when that happens, he'll probably be the farthest thing from your mind. Keep thinking positive, it's one of the worst days of my life but you know what, that only means it is going to get better.
bicyclejunk Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 That's what I'm saying EV, It just seems like such a selfish move to say to yourself, "I've kept myself from a Life of being young and free and living it up because I've given my love and a lot of my time to this person." " so Now I need to go out and have fun, live it up". There's a lot of pain and suffering going on in this world of ours and to worry about something as insignificant as your partying social life or "Hey, I shouldn't keep myself in this relationship, I want to have 100%" Just seems so stupid and dumb. If our partners had left us to better themselves or follow their dream or accomplish their goal or anything meaningful, we'd be hurt, but we'd somewhat understand....But to leave to try out other people or leave because you want to go thru a wild phase and drop all responability, when what you had with your BF/GF was love and stability and support, Just doesn;t make sense. Humans Are stupid Creatures.
monkey Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Michelle, mabe i'm generalising, but a man mabe sometimes wants male company when a situation like this happens, me, no!, but guys tend to go out with the guys & have a boozy time (this mabe England) after a break up. I know i can't think of others, & am sure you can't because he was your first, but wether or not there is someone else(i don't think so), he has to look at himself in the mirror & think if this is the right thing, & i think he must be a stupid guy if he can throw you away after all you have been through. So he's either a guy that has taken you for granted & is stupid, as i have been, or he's just in a time of when he needs to be alone, but never the less, i'm sure he will realise the grass isn't greener.
greeniebeanie Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Monkey, I see your posts but I can't help but always think about your so called PANIC attacks you said you used to have. That is you, right? I makes me a little weary of your advice and judgement, Not to insult you. I'm just curious about it, Is that what drove your girl away? Does it hinder your insight on matters of the heart? It would be like surgeon trying to a procedure knowing he has sudden reflex spasms. You'd be afraid to be worked on by him. Did your paranoia/panic/illness drive her away or does it keep you from seeing clearly on things????
coursingthru Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Well......I am not one that gives anyone a second chance - I don't know why, maybe it stems from taking care of myself since I was a teenager and doing all by myself that makes me feel if someone can't be the same - they aren't strong enough or the fact that I am too strong and can't handle too much weakness - especially when it is from your man. I came to this post due to Nate. As I read and posted from everyone - and my experience Sat. night when my ex came to the door wanting to work things out and I turned him away, I have been sleepless the past two nights and very sad. Now is it sadness because I know we're done or because I want him back? My friend who has been there for me this whole time - typed me an email and told me to send it to my ex and here is what it read: S***, "Would you like to go to couples therapy with me to try to save our relationship? We can go there to work on it or go for closure. I know we love each other and I also know that we both have issues too. I'm willing if you are so please sleep on that and let me know if you do and we can talk about the time, place, date and who to see again. We must be honest this time." Willing, Susan I have done this and now await the reply. My friend has told me that it is obvious that we love eachother and to throw away 3 years without really trying - the right way - would be tragic. (My friend is 54 and very wise). He told me I was unfair to never give anything a second chance. After reading all of your posts - I guess I was a little jealous that you all hold on. I only held on for 2 months for hope. This will give my ex the chance to show me what he is truly made of and if he does want to reconcile. My friend said we are both hurting too f* much and need to figure it out or get closure. He said "this guy just ain't walking away from you". I guess I have been so confused because he did and my kid! I will keep you posted tomorrow. This is the FIRST TIME EVER have I have agreed to a second chance and it has me scared to death!
Evanescence Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Hey Susan.. if that is what you really feel that you should do, then do it. If that is what you feel in your heart is best, then do it. Don't do it because your friends tell you to, or because ppl's advice on here told you to do it. It is pretty obvious that you want to give him a second chance and that you love him though. Counselling sounds like a good option. I wish my ex would have agreed to it before he decided to "see other people" but mine is a different story. I wish you the best of luck with this!
Elle Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 I go to bed and to work for one day and u lot have written War and Peace!! I know there is a time difference for some of us but darn!! Evanessence (are you Michelle??) we must have something in common as I go to sleep with My immortal in my ears. You are very deep and some men cant deal with that be yourself no matter what Monkey if Sheffield was a bit closer Id come and give u a hug but thats the mum in me Coursinthru course you are!! I thought I was two weeks ago now Im hoooked hey these people are my freinds and they dont even know it I just consume the alcohol on their behalf when I invite them over. When u have children the situation is even more complicated cause you cant sever the ties or avoid contact sometimes thats good because you cant throw the towel in when you might have but it also means you get the salt rubbed in more often!! Bicyclejunk you have the faith in humanity that I believe in and it keeps me going its just hard when the one person you thought would never betray you does!! I say give them space but dont beat yourself up when you have grown or moved on in their absence!! Its my 13th wedding anniversay next week unlucky for some my knight in shining armour turnned rusty and I havent got the energy to start again. But my children mean I have to so here goes.........
JamVan Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/leaving.html Go to the above link and read this article, it was extremely ensightful for myself. It helped realize what exactly I was trying to hold onto. When it comes to relationships in my eyes you need to be getting everything you want and expect of a partner or else it may not be the right one for you. I was and will probably forever be totally in love with my now ex, in my eyes she was everthing I've ever wanted in a partner, but there was a part of me and her that would never give her all to me. I totally think she's afraid of total commitment. The hardest thing for me is neither of us ever doubted how we felt for each other, we just wanted different things. So for my heart to be whole I had to say goodbye and see where my future leads me. At first I wanted to break of all contact with her, but since have told her maybe we can check in with each other to see how each other is doing and maybe even hang out the odd time, but at this time I expect nothing from her or myself regarding the relationship. I'm just taking each day for what it is and keepeing all avenues open in my search for complete happiness...cause I still do believe it exists. Take care all and stay strong.
eagle_nate Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 Good posting. i read the article and a lot of it is so true! I think what they failed to address though is the attachment to someone and how hard it is to free yourself from that bond. Not sure if you read my story but i was involved with a woman for 3 mostly awesome years and after some drama it just ended the other day. When i read that article there were many things that pointed out to me that "yeah, he's right, i shouldn't be in a relationship like that opne" However, try telling your heart that! I know that it is fresh right now and with time i will heal, but right now it sucks becasue all i think of is the good times together and how she is doing...it's tough...thanks for sharing that article though.
JamVan Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 Hey eagle_nate, I totally agree with you. Telling your heart to give up is nothing short of impossible. Even though I have since ended it with my ex and have gone on a date with someone who has really caught my attention, I never stop thinking about the good times I had with her. I have honeslty reached the point where I don't want too, before that I would remember the good times and start to feel down and depressed, then one day when i was to get my stuff from her (which I haven't done yet) she said she would really appreciate us sitting down and talking about direction and not just leaving it the way it is. I found my at the point I thought I'd never find myself and that's being civil and staying in contact without expectations. I'll tell you nate not a day goes by where I don't think of what could have been, but i have devloped into a firm believer that Timing is everything and everything happens for a reason. Try make yourself not think about the why's and what if's and trying to make your heart stop loving because he may never happen, but be true to yourself and think about what makes your heart happy. Time will tell all!!! BEst of luck to you!!!
Elle Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 [color=blue][/color] Hi JamVan read the link and its more than a certainty I need to move on when all of the list applies!! Its taken a lot of adjustment as none of it was my choice and now hes had 'fun' and space and time and everything he could possibly want out of me he wants to come back but I realise this is because Im beginning to capture some of the real me and its quite attractive trouble is the new and improved me doesnt like the version hes become. Its horrible as we had the most fantastic relationship and 3 beautiful kids and essentially mental illness forced a wedge between us that I tried very hard to get over. But just as I was thinking we were getting somewhere he found someone else and left Six weeks later I can feel the new me emerging because really hes been 'gone' 2 years when he was first ill and I was just treading water waiting for the old him to come back My head knew the answer all along but my heart is a bit more stubborn!! Glad to know guys think these things through too gives me hope
monkey Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 Beenie, yeh, i often find i give advice out, that i get told myself & don't do, but having been through & then a gap & am going through again anxiuos times, keeps me aware of my emotions & so am aware of feelings that we all go through in a concentrated way, this to me enables me to be more "there" when it comes to peoples feelings, not subjected to giving unstable advice (if i do), but the contrary. I'm just giving my thought's to other peoples troubles & trying to help as we all do on here. Should i fly to Budapest & suprisingly throw roses at her bedroom window ( this would definately surprise her) & romantically get her back like that, I mean if she said no i'd be on the street in -20 degrees & i'm sure she wouldn't wan't that. Blackmail it may seem, but this **** does work, in the movies!
Evanescence Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 Gary... please don't go and do that! that will freak her out big time. i don't think that being romantic will win her back in her case, i'm sorry. i think you need to just try to go on and live your life. to me it seems like you can't. i know it's hard.. i am having the hardest time myself, trying to move on. i can't stop thinking about him. but i've stopped thinking that there is something i can do to get him back, cuz there isn't. that is something that he is going to have to decide for himself. same with yor ex...she's the one who is going to have to go out there and by herself decide that you are the one she wants to be with. you can't make that decision for her. i've just realized this myself that i can't do that! it sucks cuz u keep thinking of things that maybe you could do to make the situation better, but i promise, the best thing youcan do right now is stay away from her. don't contact her, let her contact you,and try to go on with your life. it's hard, and i'm right there with ya, but we have to face the music sometime take care
eagle_nate Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 Buddy, You fly there and pull that...she's going to call the cops. That's going too far. She already knows how you feel. Nothing you can do will make that change. Ev said it best, leave her be to think and if you stay away, that increases any likelihood that she might begin to miss you! A really smart business man told me once that the best deal you can make is the one you don't make. In other words, sometimes it's best to leave it alone. Time will heal all our pains for sure. But doing something silly like that will only make you hurt more if it freaks her out. We all know your intentions are noble. Sit tight, work out, have some fun, but leave her alone if you want any chance at fixing things.
bicyclejunk Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 That's the thing....Our SO's know how we feel about them, they know we love them, would do anything to make them happy etc. We can keep telling them or taking drastic measures to romance them to win them back, We can only move on, make ourselves better and happy and be cordial to them when they call...if they call. Bugging them to death, will NOT, i repeat, NOT win them back.
JamVan Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 Ill tell you something the day I just had makes me wonder what their problem is in the first place. I've been recieving emails all day long asking if we are still going to meet tommorrow or not. As I am suppose to meet her tommorrow to exchange our things, but she thinks we need to talk. I asked her to meet early so I can get together with friends and she says we'll just rescheduele. I'm like well, how long is this going to take. I feel I have said everything I have to say, given all I've got and have nothing left to say. I get the feeling she is going to try get us back together, but at this time I don't know if it's what I want anymore. So, the advice above makes perfect sense. The moment you leave them alone is the moment they realize maybe I've made a mistake, but how manymistakes and hurts can someone put you through until you simply had enough. If I don't answer her back within five minutes she's emailing me wondering whyt I haven't responed. What's up with this behaviour? Do I give her another chance (the 3rd or 4th one, I've lost count now)? Or do I simply tell her lets just stay in touch move on and see what happens. As I have stated in my past posts I have since met someone else who has got my attention and we spend great times together, I met her some time ago but wah honest in telling her what I was going through and didn't want to start something with this hanging over my head. She was totally understanding and we ran into each other again, when my mind was clear and we decided to see where this would take us. I don't see things changing with my ex, other than the fact she doesn't want me gone. It's really too sad that they don't realize what they've got till it's gone. But to those who are contemplating it, if you love someone set them free (totally) if they come back and it works, it was meant to be.
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