You HAVE to be honest here..lol!!

[Island Girl]

He just texted me, "Just saying hello..." about 5 minutes ago.

 

So you are heavy on his mind.

 

And he is still contacting even though you told him not to and hung up on him.

That says a lot.

 

If he wants to be able to do whatever, whenever, with whoever...that's fine. I just don't want to be a part of it. I gave my undivided attention to him...that probably was the problem. I probably shouldn't have been that way.

 

So you want to be exclusive at this point and he said no?

 

Did you say that? Exactly that?

 

I think if you are sleeping together it is reasonable to ask that you are the only woman in his bed.

And from his actions of allowing you to meet his parents and go to church with him he is clearly involving you more in his life than he has any woman previously.

 

So if that is what you are after I do not know why it went so out of control.

--?

 

That is all you need to get on the same page about - is that he sees you exclusively and sees where it goes.

HE was willing to take the journey before. So he may still.

 

Of course he may not be receptive to that conversation straight off the bat because of how the previous conversation went.

 

"Talks" like that tend to scare men off in the first place - especially so soon.

 

But he seems willing to do more than most in pursuit of you.

[FabulousLadee]

(NOTE: Sorry IG, you must have replied while I was replying..lol This is like a duplicate..kind of.)

 

IslandGirl, thank you for that. I needed that.

 

I do..I do need to step into his shoes..look at the situation through another window. I'm just a very passionate and emotional creature. Scorpio to the upmost.

 

I like honesty and for people to keep it funky with me. (Funky=Real) lol

So it's okay.

Maybe I was expecting him to just fall in like I did. I forgot to mention that...I did thank him for being honest and not making any promises that he couldn't keep. I thanked him for that.

 

He did text me about 30-45 minutes ago and said.."Just saying hello.."

 

But what is that?! JUST SAYING HELLO?! Maybe he doesn't know what else to say. My fault, obviously.

 

I haven't replied.

[LonelyTiger]

Given the conversation you had with him I'd say he wants to keep in touch so 'just saying hello' could mean he's dipping his toe in the water.

 

As Island Girl says, you've freaked him out, you told him not to call, he doesn't know what reaction to expect from you so he's 'just saying hello' - leaving the ball in your court.

 

He's definitely still interested though.

[Island Girl]

IslandGirl, thank you for that. I needed that.

 

I do..I do need to step into his shoes..look at the situation through another window..slow down..relax.

 

As it has been from the beginning. My GAWD girl! Don't let the emotional train runaway!

Let your head be in charge.

RELAX.

 

Think about this logically. Take everything into consideration.

 

I like honesty and for people to keep it funky with me. (Funky=Real) lol

 

Well, then you and I should get along just fine.

 

He texted me about 30-45 minutes ago and said.."Just saying hello.."

 

But what is that?! JUST SAYING HELLO?!

Do you think he is scared or doesn't know what to say?!

 

I haven't replied.

 

Well if I was talking with someone for a month and I had the kind of encounter he did I would have shut down and never gone there again.

 

The fact that he is still willing to make contact says A LOT.

 

And yeah considering the fact that you hung up on him after telling him NOT to contact he probably has no idea what to say.

He doesn't know if you'll be receptive to talking or if he is tapping a hornets nest.

 

Gotta give the guy some major credit.

 

Text back.

 

I'D say -- "Hi. How you doin'?"

 

AND IF you can get a conversation I'd say "things kind of got off track last night. I have been thinking about what you said and I'd like to clear the slate."

 

Then let him talk and say what he will.

 

And get honest and vulnerable.

 

Do not beat around the bush or ask leading questions to try to get answers you want to hear.

Only ask questions that you are prepared to hear the answers to.

 

And I think ALL that needs to be solved is reliability and maintainable contact -

Then the seeing other people issue.

 

That is all right?!!

 

And maybe things need to get back on track a bit before the latter issue is discussed?!

[FabulousLadee]

I have to admit. I'm kind of smiling inside because he texted me but it might just be a friendly..buddy buddy gesture.

[Touche]

Ladee, I'm sorry this is happening. But here's the thing for me: Good relationships aren't this hard. You should have no doubt about where he stands with you. You should not have to wonder at this point.

 

I do think that maybe you jumped into bed too soon though. That's part of it.

 

And I stand by my earlier advice of waiting to see what he did before delving into that conversation...but what's done is done now.

 

He does seem like he's still interested.

 

If you want to still see where this goes maybe you can answer him and tell him that you feel like this was all too much too soon and that you freaked a bit. And then back WAY the hell off and let HIM take the lead.

 

I hear you on the "all or nothing" part. I'm the exact same way.

[LonelyTiger]

If you don't mind me being absolutely honest with you, and I'm guessing you don't - I think you are analysing this whole situation way too much.

 

You really need to chill out. You met a guy online, you got on well, you met him in person, you really like each other, the sexual chemistry is great, you met his family, you went to his church and despite you totally freaking him out with a two hour conversation that he didn't want to have, he still wants to keep in touch.

 

He actually sounds like a really good guy. I'd text him back, apologise for the drama and start again - what have you got to lose?

[Bearandsue]

You know like when someone is getting really hysterical and you just want to take them and shake them until they come to their senses.......That's what i feel like doing to FabulousLadee. I mean that in the most loving way possible.

 

 

You need to calm down and be rational. The guy is doing nothing wrong. He is just being a guy. You had a "talk" with him right after you guys met for the first time and had an amazing weekend.

 

Can you imagine if you were in his shoes. You had a great time over the weekend and you are just basking the blissfulness of it all and you call him up wanting to reminisce on the time you spent together. Then all you hear is "listen you need to do more." Can you imagine how that would make you feel.

 

I can say this because i have been in your shoes before. I use to get hysterical and panicky and worry about him not wanting to be with me and he shut down completely. I had to take a step back and look at what I was doing. I'm not saying your feelings are not valid but its the way you bring them across that might be the problem.

 

You should try writing down all you are feeling and then you will get it off your chest then read them over and I guarantee that will help you look at things more objectively.

[Spirit of the Ocean]

Awww i really think you're overthinking and overanalysing too much. All those things that you guys did that weekend were significant to you, but they were to him also right? He told you so himself from what i understood.

 

Also, sex may complicate things, but its not the rule. what's done is done, you guys like each other, there was physical chemistry and emotional attachment, and sleeping together doesnt have to mess that up.

 

I may be wrong but from what i gathered from your post, he still likes you, and still wants to continue with this relationship. Maybe you need more communication, but you can tell him that, not necessarily break up over it you know?

 

he sounds like he obviously likes you if he's still messaging you after u hung up on him. Just give yourself some to calm down and talk to him rationally. You both have a great thing going!

[FabulousLadee]

Well, I still haven't talked to him or texted him. He hasn't tried to contact me again. I don't know. I'm in agony about it but I know it's my fault. I'm afraid to call/text because he might not answer. Shoot...I didn't answer his so why should I expect him to answer mine?! Oh well..whatever happens, happens. I might try to call/text tonight but I'm sure he could probably care less.

[LonelyTiger]

Nothing will happen now unless you make it happen. I think the next move is yours.

 

I think he does care but, by now, he'll be completely baffled by what's happened.

 

If you do decide to contact him, keep it light and keep it friendly. Whatever initimacy you have shared in the past may be seriously compromised so be prepared for a little awkwardness.

 

Most importantly, he has made it clear that he wants to continue the relationship, but not too seriously just yet. His feelings may grow to match yours but you need to give him time. If you can't live with that then maybe you should just leave it be.

[Island Girl]

Well, I still haven't talked to him or texted him. He hasn't tried to contact me again. I don't know. I'm in agony about it but I know it's my fault. I'm afraid to call/text because he might not answer. Shoot...I didn't answer his so why should I expect him to answer mine?! Oh well..whatever happens, happens. I might try to call/text tonight but I'm sure he could probably care less.

 

Please read -- and read ONLY the bolded text above.

 

1. You haven't texted or called and left him hanging.

 

2. You say you are in agony but you have been completely unwilling to do anything about it. Relationships (all of them romantic or not) take effort.

You have to be willing to make the effort.

And here you are suffering but just sitting at your pity party "woe is me". C'mon! You ARE fabulous after all, right?!!!

 

3. Here you are doing just what got this whole mess started in the first place. Assuming the worst of him and it really isn't justified - he made an effort even when you told him it wasn't worthwhile to do so - then told him not to - THEN hung up on him.

But you aren't willing to humble yourself and extend your own olive branch?! AGAIN, C'mon!!

 

 

Nothing will happen now unless you make it happen. I think the next move is yours.

 

I think he does care but, by now, he'll be completely baffled by what's happened.

 

If you do decide to contact him, keep it light and keep it friendly. Whatever initimacy you have shared in the past may be seriously compromised so be prepared for a little awkwardness.

 

Most importantly, he has made it clear that he wants to continue the relationship, but not too seriously just yet. His feelings may grow to match yours but you need to give him time. If you can't live with that then maybe you should just leave it be.

 

I agree with all of the above. Especially the bolded parts.

 

 

We have ALL hit rough waters in our relationships and to tell you the truth every time my husband and I have been through really terrible misunderstandings, etc. (I can be assumptive and jump the gun so I feel you on that! Believe me!) it has only brought us closer and he understands me a whole lot better.

 

I say this so you understand it can end up okay in the end - sometimes even better than okay in a lot of cases.

 

 

And I really think it'd be a shame not attempt to rectify the problem when you are so compatible so far and he has put in waaaaaay more than most men would honestly. Especially after only a month.

[FabulousLadee]

I woke up this morning and I couldn't wait any longer.

 

I called him.

 

And it went EXACTLY how you all said it would go....FABULOUSLY!!

 

I apologized for my emotional meltdown persay and just told him that I should have been specific as to the things that I needed to know. I told him that I feel like we have something special and I didn't want to just say forget it and not get some kind of understanding.

 

I told him that I didn't want him to think that I was trying to rush to the alter or anything....I just wanted to know if there is anyone else in the picture...if he was going to be dating or talking to other people. He told me no. What a relief that was!

I just told him that he has had and will continue to have my undivided attention and I hoped that I had the same. He understood that.

 

He told me that he didn't contact me because he felt that I might have needed that time and space to re-coop and just think things out. He reassured me that he still feels the same way about me, he still wants to see me, and he still wants to continue where we left off.

He told me that he wasn't mad at me or anything. He just felt like a screwup and didn't know what he did wrong. He couldn't figure it out.

 

So I apologized to him for making him feel like that. And yes, he mentioned me hanging up on him and I apologized for that also. I just told him that I was hurt and I just didn't know what else to say. I assumed the worst and just took it way out of context.

 

Then as far as the communication goes, I just asked him what happened between the beginning and now. Why did things change? He just told me that the reception in his parents house is bad, him being at home and having other things on his mind kind of threw off the routine a bit, and he will try his best to be more consistent.

 

So the lesson learned here is....

RELAX AND TAKE MY TIME!!

ALLOW HIM THE SPACE AND TIME TO GROW IN LOVE.

LET EVERYTHING HAPPEN AS IT SHOULD!

DON'T ASSUME THINGS...JUST ASK SPECIFICALLY WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

AND WHEN YOU DO ASK, BE PREPARED TO HEAR WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO HEAR!

 

I'm happy again but breathing and relaxed....just going to let it flow.

[Bearandsue]

I am breathing a big sigh of relief for you! PHEW!

[LonelyTiger]

I am breathing a big sigh of relief for you! PHEW!

 

Me too!

 

Take it easy from now on, and have fun.

[allyy]

I know I haven't really posed here that much, but I've been reading it and let me just say I'm so happy for you!! I'm glad everything's fine now (:

[FabulousLadee]

Thank you guys! Without your opinions, encouragement, and support I probably would not be able to maintain. I am definitely not used to this type of set-up but I really care about him a lot and don't want to lose him.

 

I am definitely going to be a bit more reserved and kool dealing with him. Like from our conversation this morning, he told me he would call me back...that was almost 5 hours ago. I haven't heard from him yet. It's okay, though. I can handle this. Breeeeeeeathe!!

[Bearandsue]

Why don't you give him a call. Its OK to call and say "I'm thinking about you" or to text him something sweet. Guys like that stuff too. I call bear whenever I just feel like hearing his voice.

 

Yes Please breathe and I also recommend starting a diary. You can even do one online.

[northstar1]

Thank you guys! Without your opinions, encouragement, and support I probably would not be able to maintain. I am definitely not used to this type of set-up but I really care about him a lot and don't want to lose him.

 

I am definitely going to be a bit more reserved and kool dealing with him. Like from our conversation this morning, he told me he would call me back...that was almost 5 hours ago. I haven't heard from him yet. It's okay, though. I can handle this. Breeeeeeeathe!!

 

You need to seriously learn to relax or you'll drive yourself crazy every single day.

[Island Girl]

Why don't you give him a call. Its OK to call and say "I'm thinking about you" or to text him something sweet. Guys like that stuff too. I call bear whenever I just feel like hearing his voice.

 

Yes Please breathe and I also recommend starting a diary. You can even do one online.

 

I'd text and say "Thank you for the wonderful conversation today. I'm thinking of you. ;)"

 

I notice in your detail of the conversation that you used a lot of "I" statements and explained your thoughts and feelings.

This is what I meant by being vulnerable and honest in your communication.

 

If both of you guys keep this up you will be better than fine.

 

I am so glad it went well.

 

I am so happy you FINALLY contacted him!!

 

Oh HAPPY DAY!!

 

communication communication communication

[FabulousLadee]

He's just not that into me anymore. The same thing is happening just that quick AGAIN!!

Said he would call after our resolved conversation yesterday..I had to text him and he told me that he forgot about me. WHAT IS THAT?!

 

Then I texted him this afternoon...he told me he'd call me in 20 mins. That was at 2:00 this afternoon...it's almost 10pm. I tried calling him twice..he didn't answer..I left a voice mail the second time to give me a call back...very nicely persay. I'm sure he won't.

 

This is stupid to me. It's happening over and over again.

 

He got the "goods" and ran!

[Island Girl]

Said he would call after our resolved conversation yesterday..I had to text him and he told me that he forgot about me. WHAT IS THAT?!

 

oooooo. Ouch!

 

That is SO WEIRD!!

 

Because honestly most guys wouldn't have gone as far as he has. I mean even if they were initially really interested.

Long conversations about the relationship, etc. Most just wouldn't do it in the same situation.

 

I am at a loss...

 

Forgot?!!! WTF. ?

 

Then I texted him this afternoon...he told me he'd call me in 20 mins. That was at 2:00 this afternoon...it's almost 10pm. I tried calling him twice..he didn't answer..I left a voice mail the second time to give me a call back...very nicely persay. I'm sure he won't.

 

That is really, really weird.

 

It just is baffling.

 

Well, you can't contact anymore.

 

I am so sorry. I really can't understand it. ___

[FabulousLadee]

Exactly!

 

It's so confusing and I can't stand it.

 

I am sure he will call. I don't know when. It's Mothers Day tomorrow so I don't expect a call AND he will be going back to law school on Monday so I don't even expect him to call until the middle of next week some time.

 

But when he does, I just have to tell him what I'm feeling....all bars down. I can't take this anymore...the rollercoaster. And if I lose him..then he wasn't for me in the first place...that's where I am right now. It will hurt but at least it's early enough to bounce back.

 

I hate that I put myself out there on a limb like an idiot but it's definitely a learning experience.

 

I'm already tired of this and it hasn't even been 2 months yet.

 

It's beginning to make me not trust other things that he tells me. If he can't keep his word in just calling me or texting me back like he says he will...give or take a couple of hours or so...not a whole day...what makes me feel secure in knowing he is being honest about other things?! Even AFTER we've talked about this over and over again!

 

I have to tell him that he is confusing me....completely confusing me.

But no..I will not contact him anymore...as much as it will burn.

 

And you know what else...LADIES:

I'm going to stop beating myself up about being intimate on our first meeting because if a guy is really interested in you and he is for you.... He will STILL be interested in you whether you had sex the first meeting or not. It won't matter. And it takes a mature man..not a boy..to handle that.

 

I trusted him and it's not my fault that he pretty much played me like a fiddle.

 

So there you have it...a short lived LDR from beginning to end. But don't let my experience determine yours. If two people want it badly, it WILL work. That's the bottomline.

[LonelyTiger]

FabulousLadee I am sooo sorry! And completely baffled.

 

As Island Girl says it's weird - he wouldn't have gone to the lengths he did to stay in touch if he didn't like you. Doesn't make any sense at all!

 

It does sound as though it's over though and you really can't contact him again - he said he forgot about you - unreal! That would be a step too far for me. He's not even pretending to care at this point!

 

And you are right - you really shouldn't beat yourself up for being intimate the first time you met him - it felt like the right thing to do, so you did it. Most of us have been there and there are many, many stories of successful relationships, LDR or otherwise, starting this way.

 

Having said that, I still believe it makes a difference to how a guy feels. It's not about the guy's level of maturity, it's more about how much he has invested in you emotionally before you become physical. In my experience, it is much more likely to become a long term thing if you wait.

 

Anyway, it's history and you did the right thing for you at that time, you had a fabulous experience and I bet you wouldn't trade it for anything.

 

I don't think that's what has driven him away anyway. I think, if anything, it was probably the fact that you were trying to rush him.

 

I still believe he was interested in you and in seeing how things went, he just didn't want an exclusive relationship yet (even though he pretended to you that he did).

 

It's a real shame. You sound pretty positive though and, as you say, at least it's happened sooner rather than later.

 

Chalk it up to another of life's experiences and move on.

[FabulousLadee]

He actually did end up calling me yesterday and we had another conversation.

 

To make a long story short, he is back at school and we've talked about 3 times today already.

 

He told me to just give him a chance to show me that he cares. He apologized about becoming distant and confusing...just being at home put him in a different mindset and space. So I'm glad that he validated that I WASN'T going crazy and it wasn't my imagination.

 

He wants to start fresh and move forward in knowing now how important it is for me to have some kind of consistency and more communication.

 

So we'll see you guys...I'm not holding my breath this time though.

 

I'm going back into this with NO expectations but respect. I'll continue to do my part by keeping my word as I always have and I'll give him the space to show and prove.