You HAVE to be honest here..lol!!

[JoGarr]

Totally understand your reservations/worries. I was exactly the same. Met my fiance online 2 years ago and we talked non stop for about 6 months on msn, phone and email first as friends, then as "more". I felt I'd gotten to know him SO much more so than if we'd just been "dating" in the same town for 6 months!! First time I went to see him, we booked seperate rooms just incase, ya know:rolleyes: But it turned out that we got on EVEN better in real life and well, let's just say the other room was NEVER used:p. What a waste of money:D We're now engaged and hoping to get married next year, all being well! I guess you just do whatever you feel is right for YOU. Follow your heart & you can't go wrong with that. Good luck!!

[Island Girl]

Does he like me as much as I like him?

 

The signs point to yes.

 

The man introduced you to his family and brought you around AGAIN.

Once would have said probably.

But twice says YES.

 

 

Does he think I'm a hoe because we did it? lol

 

Do you think he's a hoe for doing it?

 

I understand there are differences in this area - from men to women and perceptions.

But C'Mon! Give yourself just a tiny little break.

You traveled 5 hours and have to make the most of the visit while you can.

Completely understandable.

 

And as many have posted here --- in LDRs when you finally meet after getting to know each other - it often happens that way.

 

 

Does he want to be in a relationship with me still?

 

Again the sign point to YES.

 

Do you really feel you are that unremarkable?

 

That he is just going to meet up with someone he enjoys talking with, getting to know, AND have physical attraction to?

It is rare to find all of that in one package you know.

 

Does he really want to continue on in this now?

 

He said he did. He said he wanted to see you again.

 

Do YOU want to continue?

 

Remember he is probably thinking the same thing.

 

Do not get carried away.

 

Just breathe and let it happen.

 

Will he really come and see me in a month?

 

Well, we'll see in a month. But I'd be surprised if he didn't at this point.

 

 

Does he have someone else?

 

Didn't you ask him about that yet??

 

 

Was he just being nice because he is a good guy or didn't want me to feel bad?

 

I haven't ever met a guy THAT nice. And I have known some really, really, nice guys.

 

 

How does he really feel?

 

He probably feels all twitterpated just like you do right now.

 

Really. I am surprised at your lack of confidence in yourself. - I do not mean that as a "dig".

I mean it genuinely.

 

You really think that women with a brain that are fun to be around and that a man has amazing chemistry with are everywhere?

I can tell you they aren't.

 

Just look at the dating threads here. Lot's of men lament the fact that even if they meet an attractive women some of those other things aren't there.

 

You really think he can readily find all of that?

If that was true he wouldn't have spent so much time and effort on getting to know you.

 

Give him and yourself a break.

 

Realize that what happened DOESN'T happen all the time and give yourself a chance to wallow in the enjoyment and excitement of it all.

 

 

Who else has he introduced his family to?

 

Who cares?

 

I'd be thinking about the last girl he introduced them to: ME.

 

But to sum it all up, I had the best time and I know that I'm in love...already. He was wonderful and he did everything in his power to make me feel comfortable and secure.

 

A guy doesn't go to this extent just to be nice.

 

Really and truly.

 

So he was going above and beyond for YOU.

So that YOU would feel comfortable and wanted.

YOU.

Not any other woman.

YOU.

 

Feel wonderful about it. Let it carry you.

 

Do not get up into your head and second guess everything.

 

Just remember what you felt there WITH him and hang on to THAT.

 

Breathe girl! Breathe and believe you are wonderful and irreplaceable and that he is smart enough to see that!

[Spirit of the Ocean]

Hey FabulousLadee!

 

I followed your story even though i havent posted here before. The weekend sounds like it went off brilliantly by ANY standard let alone a meet-for-the-first-time weekend! The fact that we introduced you to his parents and took you to his church indicates a lot methinks, he obviously has to feel something for you, no guy (or girl for that matter) would do so if there wasnt anything going on!

 

Hopefully you have spoken to him by the time you read this and if you havent it's probably only a matter of hours. I know you probably have lots of questions, I did too when I first got together with my boyfriend (even though it wasnt an online romance), but in time, these doubts will go away I'm sure.

 

I'm glad the weekend went off so well, and you can look forward to seeing him very soon!

[FabulousLadee]

First off, I want to say thank you to everyone who takes interest in this thread. I just realized that this thread has over 900 views. That just goes to show how many of us out here might be going through the same thing or you’re just starting out in an LDR just like me. You might have the same questions and anxious thoughts going through your head. I think online dating is just something that is becoming common due to the computer tech-savvy generation. Of course, you have to be safe and careful about it but in all…it’s not too bad

 

He did end up calling me last night....lol. That was funny how many of you knew he'd call me..LMAO

 

We didn’t talk for too long but it was okay.

 

Maybe I’m wrong guys but I had an epiphany today about my situation. I feel like being a woman..I stepped out on a limb.. I went above and beyond what I should’ve been doing to make that trip to see him. I gave a lot of myself and trusted him completely. Now…it’s his turn to show and prove that he really wants this. It’s his turn to work for me. It doesn’t take that much at all but communication…that’s all. I think LDR’s are actually pretty simple besides the agony you have to go through because you’re apart from your loved one. COMMUNICATE all the time and have a PLAN. I think it can be a beautiful thing.

I say all that to say that..I’ve decided to give him the space to be exactly who he is. Just as much as he likes seeing my name come across his phone with a text or a call…I want that satisfaction too. I want to know that he wants to talk to me too.

 

So today I waited to see if he’d text me or call me. I didn’t hear from him at all until 6 in the evening. Which is fine but I feel like it’s not that hard. It doesn’t have to be that hard. He is supposed to call me back tonight around 10pm CT so I’m just waiting. And that’s what I’m going to do….just wait.

I just refuse to give anymore until I have that assurance that he wants me as much as I want him. It's wierd because I don't doubt it but I do doubt it. It's like a fairytale...literally.

I want to enjoy this ride but I've been hurt so much in the past. I'm going to try my best to relax and be breezy about it.

 

All I want to do is talk to him..hear his voice...plan our next meeting..that's all I want to do. It's so much about him right now...it's disgusting..lol

 

JUST TO ADD...OFF THE SUBJECT..KINDA:

Since we are soooo attracted to each other..at first we were worried about the in-person chemistry and if it was just going to be a mental connection. NOW...it seems like we want to make sure the mental connection remains because we are so attracted to each other. It's wierd. LOL

[Island Girl]

He did end up calling me last night....lol. That was funny how many of you knew he'd call me..LMAO

 

And did that reassure you at all?

 

Maybe I’m wrong guys but I had an epiphany today about my situation. I feel like being a woman..I stepped out on a limb.. I went above and beyond what I should’ve been doing to make that trip to see him. I gave a lot of myself and trusted him completely.

 

Somebody had to and you were in the position to do so.

It has nothing to do with being a man or a woman when it comes down to it.

Both of you were dying to meet in person.

And now you have.

 

I do not think it should take an epiphany to realize that it takes an equal amount of effort.

You should always expect that. Sometimes circumstances dictate otherwise. But there should always be effort that shows you that you aren't putting it all out there and getting nothing back.

 

Now…it’s his turn to show and prove that he really wants this. It’s his turn to work for me. It doesn’t take that much at all but communication…that’s all.

 

I would say that now it is time for both of you.

 

You are both just as invested. You just did the driving.

But that doesn't mean you feel more than he does.

 

I think you need reassurances. I think you have needed reassurances.

And he has provided those in the past when you have allowed him to.

 

I am certainly not saying you are wrong but you shouldn't suddenly change at this point and never contact if you were doing so before.

Just act as you normally did before the visit.

 

Let him do the contacting sometimes but you should reach out too.

 

He can feel insecure about things as well you know.

Guys get performance anxiety sometimes too.

 

Just don't do things that lead to insecurity on your side (i.e. doing all the contacting, etc.) or on his (making him do all the contacting).

Live with balance.

 

 

I think LDR’s are actually pretty simple besides the agony you have to go through because you’re apart from your loved one. COMMUNICATE all the time and have a PLAN. I think it can be a beautiful thing.

 

Yes with communication.

 

So if you were to be completely honest and communicate that would mean that you would spell out how you are feeling and what you expect from him right now.

And I think that is a bit much for where you are in the relationship.

 

You are going to have to feel it out and talk about what you feel you can.

 

Just do not suddenly shut down and expect him to "get it" with no feedback.

 

 

I say all that to say that..I’ve decided to give him the space to be exactly who he is. Just as much as he likes seeing my name come across his phone with a text or a call…I want that satisfaction too. I want to know that he wants to talk to me too.

 

That is the message that you need to get across. That is all that needs to be communicated.

 

You can let him follow what he says. -- Like letting him call at 10pm tonight. That should give you reassurance.

 

You can mention that you love the fact that he is a man of his words. And that you love it that you can depend on him when he says something because he does exactly that. --- Those kinds of comments do stick.

 

 

So today I waited to see if he’d text me or call me. I didn’t hear from him at all until 6 in the evening. Which is fine but I feel like it’s not that hard. It doesn’t have to be that hard. He is supposed to call me back tonight around 10pm CT so I’m just waiting. And that’s what I’m going to do….just wait.

I just refuse to give anymore until I have that assurance that he wants me as much as I want him.

 

okay.

 

He did call you.

It may not have been on your timetable. But he did.

So he should get credit for that.

And when he calls at 10pm he should also get credit for that.

 

Don't get into game playing or changed expectations that he is unaware of.

 

Enjoy what you have. Enjoy him calling and feel really good about it.

But feel okay about calling or contacting him too.

 

There should be balance.

 

He is supposed to make the trip to see you at the end of the month.

 

When he does will it then be up to you to do all the contacting and should he pull away to make sure you are still interested? --- No.

There should be contact on both sides just as there should be now.

 

It's wierd because I don't doubt it but I do doubt it. It's like a fairytale...literally.

I want to enjoy this ride but I've been hurt so much in the past. I'm going to try my best to relax and be breezy about it.

 

All relationships end until they don't.

 

Most of us don't marry and spend the rest of our lives with our elementary school sweetheart or even high school sweetheart.

Most of us have a series of failed relationships and then find someone we can dedicate our lives to.

 

You have had a rocky journey. Okay.

 

You have been hurt and want to have some reassurances. Okay.

 

But do not make him pay for the mistakes of others.

And do not become so fearful of being hurt that you cause problems in the relationship or flare insecurities on his side or yours.

 

Relax. Enjoy it.

 

Let him contact you and show you he is interested.

Be receptive and make some contact so he knows you are still feeling the same way too.

 

All I want to do is talk to him..hear his voice...plan our next meeting..that's all I want to do. It's so much about him right now...it's disgusting..lol

 

It's not disgusting.

 

I hope that feeling doesn't go away! On your side or on his!

 

It's been over 8 years and it is still so all about him for me. And on his side it is all about me.

All I want is to hear his voice and plan a meeting! :love:

 

That is a relationship sweetie. That is love.

[mental_traveller]

For anyone in an LDR who met thier SO online or blindly but had in-depth/intimate heated long conversations before the first meeting, exchanged private photos, etc...did you "get down" during your first visit? You all know what I mean...heeheehee

And if so, did it change anything afterward?

 

How does everyone feel about this happening on the first visit...whether you shouldn't or just go with the flow?

And if you did have a difficult time holding back, what did you all do to help?

!

 

Yeah, we got down within about the first hour lol. It changed in the sense that expectations became reality! I think it's fine for this to happen on the first visit.

[KikiW]

I agree with everything IslandGirl said - please don't set yourself up by playing any games, even if you are playing them on yourself.

 

Communication is key, both ways. You MUST tell him what YOU need, just like he should tell you what HE needs. You like hearing from him 10 times a day? Tell him that. Don't expect him to be able to meet your 10 times, but if he thought only talking once a day was enough, maybe he can call 2 or 3 times instead. He cannot read your mind, nor can you read his, so be open and honest. that's the only way these LDRs work

 

I'm glad you heard from him

[Bearandsue]

I agree too. If you want to talk to him just call. Take it from me I learned that the hard way. I was sitting there thinking lets see how long he takes to call today. Its kinda pointless and what if he sees you not calling as a bad sign.

 

DO NOT play any games, be honest and upfront and express how you are feeling. He cannot read your mind or anticipate what you want him to do.

[LonelyTiger]

Yep, I also agree. Just continue to do what you've always done otherwise he's going to wonder what's going on. You've just spent two wonderful days and nights together. Be happy about that and just carry on as normal.

 

You obviously like each other and it looks as though this may turn into a very beautiful love story.

 

If you start playing games you could jeopardize that.

 

Share your thoughts and feelings with him and the relationship will grow as it should - naturally and in it's own time. Relax and enjoy it.

[FabulousLadee]

Thanks you guys! Island Girl, LonelyTiger, Bearandsue, Kiki..everyone..you all are soooo right.

 

And yes..as you know...he DID call me around 11pm CT last night. We talked for a good length of time. I texted him that he was wonderful today and he replied "Hey U..I'm about to go running...and thank you..cheese."

 

That was like 10am this morning...the last time I heard from him..which is fine. I should talk to him later but if not....

I just need to calm down and I will talk to him tonight about my feelings. I just don't want to seem overbearing or overdemanding.

 

But then I think, it's so simple. All I want is communication. In an LDR, that's really all it is. It's not like he has to take me out on dates or divide his time between me and something else. That's all I ask for.

 

I'll talk to him though.

 

In the beginning, I heard from him every single morning and several times a day. That's what made me confident in moving forward and thinking this might work. That's one of the main things that drew me to him. Now it's changed. The consistency was there. Not anymore.

 

I know that it's still early on but I just don't want to let it "ripple" and effect other areas.

[Touche]

Don't want to rain on your parade but the inconsistency is alarming...especially after you made all the effort in driving there. And especially after you slept together.

 

Beware. He has signs of being emotionally unavailable. I have lots of questions but that's all I'll say for now.

[FabulousLadee]

That's what that small voice inside of me keeps telling me. It's scary.

 

But am I just paranoid or not allowing time to do it's thing?!

 

I just don't know. I have to be real with myself and I'm worried. I really am.

[Island Girl]

Thanks you guys! Island Girl, LonelyTiger, Bearandsue, Kiki..everyone..you all are soooo right.

 

We all go through some pretty severe emotions in LDRs.

 

We can all relate!

 

I just need to calm down and I will talk to him tonight about my feelings. I just don't want to seem overbearing or overdemanding.

In the beginning, I heard from him every single morning and several times a day. That's what made me confident in moving forward and thinking this might work. That's one of the main things that drew me to him. Now it's changed. The consistency was there. Not anymore.

 

I know that it's still early on but I just don't want to let it "ripple" and effect other areas.

 

 

Yes you should talk to him.

 

And if you put it out there honestly then it shouldn't come across as overbearing, etc.

 

A successful LDR takes being honest and vulnerable when communicating.

This is hard to do sometimes. But oh so rewarding really.

 

Your best bet is to broach the subject and talk about your feelings.

You can start by saying how reassured you were because of contact in the beginning.

And that though it is a slight change, and these changes can come because of being more comfortable, etc., it is triggering feelings of being unsure.

Is he feeling these feelings as well?

>>>>>bottom line is he needs to know there is an issue for the two of you two resolve and the resolution needs to be understood. That is you both need to be okay and have similar expectations for contact. Usually this is just about compromise - like everything else, right? LOL

 

Well that gives you some idea of a way to approach it at least.

Often people are confused by what being vulnerable in an LDR means.

It means we have to put our very inner raw feelings into words and put them out there.

That is what makes it work and can make the connection and support way deeper than a face-to-face relationship.

[Island Girl]

You have only been back for a couple of days.

 

I find it hard to believe there is a clear pattern of inconsistencies at this point.

 

Am I missing something?

 

You got back from the visit on Sunday evening and it is now Tuesday afternoon...?

[FabulousLadee]

I know...I know...IslandGirl lol

That's definitely a recurring thought too.

 

It's only Tuesday...but it feels like weeks since I've seen him.

I miss him soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much...ugh!! lol!!

[Touche]

I agree with Island Girl about talking to him about this. But first I'd wait and see what he does.

 

Maybe he's not emotionally unavailable but at the very least he's insensitive if he's contacting you LESS now than he was BEFORE you went to see him.

 

I'm sorry if I missed this before but how long were you in contact on line before you met in person?

[Island Girl]

Okay.

 

I am just trying to clarify.

 

He called several times to check on your progress while you were journeying home on Sunday.

 

Yesterday he called you twice.

 

And today you have had one communication so far.

 

Is that correct?

[Bearandsue]

I think she is just going through that panicky "what if" phase. You seriously need to calm down. Talk to him about how you are feeling. It wont help the relationship at all if it goes on like this.

 

He has no idea you are feeling this way. He is prob thinking why YOU haven't called more.

 

You seem to have too much time on you hands. Go out for a walk. Do something fun. Don't just sit there and worry about stuff that hasn't even happened. You should be basking in the bliss of your weekend not worry about stuff.

[mylovegrowsdeeper]

Actually,...

 

What I'm thinking is, he knows you two got it going on, he's "comfortable". It's no secret that sometimes what seems like "apathy" is actually just a sign the guy feels secure and like he doesn't have to try so hard, doesn't mean he shouldn't though..so it's very important to be assertive about your needs to him, judge things by when you tell him your need if he follows up on it or makes an attempt to or not..instead of judging by "well, before he did this and this and this".

 

I bet he'll start making those little efforts once he hears you NEED them, but I think he's just feeling secure and comfortable.

 

P.S- Of COURSE the mental is there, it didn't go anywhere and it's all you two hav ehad for the last umpteen months. You'll be just fine girly girl

[FabulousLadee]

It’s over. It’s officially over.

Just like that.

 

Because I feel like a water balloon has been thrown in my face….because I feel duped…because I’m saying, “I told you so.” …over and over again to myself….because I’m just down right hurt…I might need some encouragement after this.

 

We had an intense conversation last night about the communication issue for almost 2 hours. We kind of kept going around in circles about it. But I stopped and said..you know what..lets get to the very core of all this and figure out what the hell we are doing in the first place.

I can’t expect certain things from him if he isn’t even in the place where I am..emotionally..

 

To Touche: I see what you were saying now.

 

Anyway, we needed to determine where we were with each other before I started expecting certain things.

 

To make a long story short..he said, “Exactly.”

 

See everybody, I jumped the gun and that’s my fault. I felt that even though the things we did on my visit were not extravagant, they were very significant. The conversations we had before the meeting…everything…made me feel like we were on the same page. I let my emotions get the best of me and ran with it all. Then things we talked about and the things we did on my visit, I didn’t freakin imagine it…it happened. I felt like we were together…unspokenly. (Note: Never make an ass out of yourself by assuming things.)

 

That’s my fault. Big lesson learned!! I knew better.

 

He said that he didn’t want me to feel like he didn’t take what happened seriously or that he doesn’t have feelings for me or that he didn’t want to communicate with me anymore. He said that he has only had 2 other people over to his parents house in his adult life and he has never took someone to church with him. The things we did sexually, he said that he feels the same way I do..he just doesn’t do those things with anybody. It’s serious. He didn’t want me to think that he de-valued what happened or that it didn’t mean anything to him. He WANTED to do everything that he did because of his feelings and he let it be known that he had the upmost respect for me. He made a point that we probably shouldn’t have had sex because it complicates things and that he knew better. We both kind of just let ourselves go with each other. He pointed out that love compatibility is different than sexual compatibility which I’m grown…I know that.

He wanted to still call and text me and see where this could lead us. He basically was asking me to go backwards because I was already there.

 

I told him that I can’t go backwards because what’s done is done. I’m locked in. I can’t help the way that I feel. I’m more of an all or nothing type of girl. That's just me. I can’t do the “grey area”. I can’t do the “friends but already had sex” deal. Casual sex is not my thing. I can’t do that. It makes things very confusing. The person that I’m intimate with I have to know that I have him all to myself and it’s about US..no one else. No dating other people, no interest in other people…none of that.

 

So I took the L which means LOSER and said, “If I hear from you..I hear from you. If I don’t, I don’t. In order for me to fall back, I’m not going to be the same person that you’ve talked to on the phone. I’m going to be very distant and vague which might frustrate you. That’s only because that would be MY way of dealing with your place. I don’t want to do that because it would kill me to have to fake my feelings and hold back. So I think it’s best that this doesn’t go on anymore…so just do you.”

 

So again, he says, “Well, I’m still going to call and text. If I get a sense of distance from you, I won’t question it, I will understand why you are being that way.”

 

Sounding like he was asking a question, he says, “So I’ll call you tomorrow?…I mean..I don’t know.”

 

And I didn’t say anything, I just hung up.

It will surprise me if he calls ever again.

 

It almost felt like he had been wanting to bring this up the whole time but just didn't have the guts to say it. It seemed like he might have been a bit relieved...like "off the hook".

 

I don't know.

I hate this. I feel so stupid. I feel like a fool. I brought it on myself. I got attached too soon.

 

I might have even overreacted...chased him away. I don't know. It might be all my fault.

I'm sure he isn't thinking of me either.

 

I almost feel like I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just let the cards fall where they may.

 

But too late for that.

[Bearandsue]

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

 

I am so at a loss here. Maybe I missed something. You guys had such a great weekend. WTH happened in between that. I mean Its not like the guy just dropped you and didn't call at all.

 

 

I don't think he wants it to be over. I think maybe you kinda scared him a little by being so negative and emotional instead of being happy about what you shared just a few days ago.

 

I think you kinda need to take a deep breath and look at your situation from an objective point of view. Don't let your insecurities get in the way of what could be a great relationship.

[FabulousLadee]

He just texted me, "Just saying hello..." about 5 minutes ago.

 

Don't know if I should reply or not.

 

I just don't want to give the impression that I'm okay with certain things because I'm not.

 

If he wants to be able to do whatever, whenever, with whoever...that's fine. I just don't want to be a part of it. I gave my undivided attention to him...that probably was the problem. I probably shouldn't have been that way.

 

Maybe I'm wrong...maybe I'm being hard but that's the reason I pursued this situation in the first place was because I thought that we were on the same page. I thought that we were both ready and willing to move forward. I thought that we were both wide-open for each other.

 

And yes, I'm taking it to heart because that's how HE put it out there to ME in the very beginning. No games, no hang ups, no holding back, no wasting each others time, or feelings. Deciding to be in an LDR is hard enough...I can go through this with someone in my own city!!

 

I would have never pursued this if he was going to be unsure...it's not fair. But you never know..I don't know guys..whatever.

[LonelyTiger]

FabulousLadee, I am so sorry this has happened.

 

It sounds to me as though he does actually like you a lot and is very physically attracted to you but he's clearly not ready to jump in to this relationship with both feet.

 

Men generally take longer to become emotionally attached (not all obviously, but most) regardless of any intimate moments they have shared with a woman. It's much easier for men to walk away after physical intimacy - all related to the hormones produced during orgasm. That's why sex complicates things if it happens too early in a relationship.

 

Having said that I don't think he wants to walk away and it may not be too late. I think he sees potential in your relationship and want to pursue it, albeit at a much slower pace than you do.

 

He may well ring you tomorrow, he may not.

 

If he does, what would you really like to have happen next?

 

Are you really ready to let this man go if he is still interested?

[LonelyTiger]

I would have never pursued this if he was going to be unsure...it's not fair. But you never know..I don't know guys..whatever.

 

How could you know before you met him if he was going to be unsure?

 

You couldn't be sure yourself could you?

 

If he's still contacting you he's still interested.

 

I don't recall how long you guys have been communicating but as you've only just met in person this is just the beginning. People don't usually insist on exclusivity in a relationship when they've only just met.

 

Obviously a lot of LDRs do kick off right off from the start - there are many stories on here that testify to that - but not all of them.

 

If you treat this as you would any other relationship then it's maybe too early to expect him to act/feel the way you want him to.

 

If you're prepared to go with it and see what happens then great, if not, then perhaps you're right and you should just let this go.

[Island Girl]

It’s over. It’s officially over.

Just like that.

 

Wow.

 

 

Because I feel like a water balloon has been thrown in my face….because I feel duped…because I’m saying, “I told you so.” …over and over again to myself….because I’m just down right hurt…I might need some encouragement after this.

 

Okay. Well I have already read through the post.

But I am responding piece by piece, thought by thought, and all I can promise is that I will be honest just the way I would be with any of my friends.

Sometimes that means saying things you don't want to hear but I do have your best interest at heart.

 

We had an intense conversation last night about the communication issue for almost 2 hours. We kind of kept going around in circles about it. But I stopped and said..you know what..lets get to the very core of all this and figure out what the hell we are doing in the first place.

I can’t expect certain things from him if he isn’t even in the place where I am..emotionally..

 

2 hours of going around and around? It sounds like one of you was chasing -- that is wanted to hear something specific from the other and yet didn't put it out there openly. It is scary to be vulnerable.

 

To Touche: I see what you were saying now.

 

About him being emotionally unavailable?

 

Anyway, we needed to determine where we were with each other before I started expecting certain things.

 

Absolutely valid and completely understandable.

 

To make a long story short..he said, “Exactly.”

 

He said "exactly" to what?

 

See everybody, I jumped the gun and that’s my fault. I felt that even though the things we did on my visit were not extravagant, they were very significant.

 

Yes.

 

And in the next paragraph further down you explain that he said the exact same thing.

 

He said meeting his parents was significant (only 3 women ever including you) - that he has NEVER brought a girl to church with him.

 

 

The conversations we had before the meeting…everything…made me feel like we were on the same page. I let my emotions get the best of me and ran with it all. Then things we talked about and the things we did on my visit, I didn’t freakin imagine it…it happened. I felt like we were together…unspokenly. (Note: Never make an ass out of yourself by assuming things.)

 

Whoa girlfriend.

 

It sounds like you were falling for a man.

 

And it sounds like he was moving along that way too.

 

Maybe not at the EXACT same point that you are. But moving in that direction.

 

That’s my fault. Big lesson learned!! I knew better.

 

I'm sorry. But the big lesson is what? That you will only fall in love when the guy has already said it and committed to it?

 

He said that he didn’t want me to feel like he didn’t take what happened seriously or that he doesn’t have feelings for me or that he didn’t want to communicate with me anymore. He said that he has only had 2 other people over to his parents house in his adult life and he has never took someone to church with him. The things we did sexually, he said that he feels the same way I do..he just doesn’t do those things with anybody. It’s serious. He didn’t want me to think that he de-valued what happened or that it didn’t mean anything to him. He WANTED to do everything that he did because of his feelings and he let it be known that he had the upmost respect for me. He made a point that we probably shouldn’t have had sex because it complicates things and that he knew better. We both kind of just let ourselves go with each other. He pointed out that love compatibility is different than sexual compatibility which I’m grown…I know that.

 

So he feels these things he did were significant.

 

But he is not full blown in love as you are.

That happens. It doesn't mean things are wrong or not working out. It means that one person is a bit deeper than the other.

That doesn't mean he won't get there - just that he isn't there that fast.

 

 

He wanted to still call and text me and see where this could lead us. He basically was asking me to go backwards because I was already there.

 

He wasn't asking to go backwards.

 

He was saying he wants to pursue the relationship and see where it goes.

That means he wants to let things develop and unfold.

 

It sounds like you are saying all through this post, "I am in love with you and you either say you love me right now or I will move on!"

 

People don't fall in love at exactly the same time all the time.

In fact most often they don't.

 

My sister in law loved my brother and was sure of it long before he was.

But he is there now. They are enamored of each other and in complete bliss.

 

I told him that I can’t go backwards because what’s done is done. I’m locked in. I can’t help the way that I feel. I’m more of an all or nothing type of girl. That's just me. I can’t do the “grey area”. I can’t do the “friends but already had sex” deal. Casual sex is not my thing. I can’t do that. It makes things very confusing. The person that I’m intimate with I have to know that I have him all to myself and it’s about US..no one else. No dating other people, no interest in other people…none of that.

 

And what did he say to an exclusive relationship where you only sleep with each other?

Isn't that what he was willing to pursue?

 

Didn't he just want to continue talking to you and seeing you and let things move along in that direction?

 

 

So I took the L which means LOSER and said, “If I hear from you..I hear from you. If I don’t, I don’t. In order for me to fall back, I’m not going to be the same person that you’ve talked to on the phone. I’m going to be very distant and vague which might frustrate you. That’s only because that would be MY way of dealing with your place. I don’t want to do that because it would kill me to have to fake my feelings and hold back. So I think it’s best that this doesn’t go on anymore…so just do you.”

 

So you ended it.

 

Did he ever say he just wanted to be friends?

 

Because I don't see that.

 

And I don't see it in his words.

In fact he explained that he made some very definite moves that in his mind and life are "milestones".

Meeting his parents was obviously a big deal to him.

And taking you to church was an even bigger deal - as you are the ONLY woman he has ever done that with.

And that move was made at the end of the weekend so he was clearly feeling great about the relationship.

 

So again, he says, “Well, I’m still going to call and text. If I get a sense of distance from you, I won’t question it, I will understand why you are being that way.”

 

So even in the face of you telling him NOT TO and that you will be cold and distant and basically freaking out on him he said he STILL wants to pursue things with you.

 

I'll tell you most guys would have cut and run.

 

 

 

Sounding like he was asking a question, he says, “So I’ll call you tomorrow?…I mean..I don’t know.”

 

He still wants to talk to you. He still wanted to keep things going.

 

And I didn’t say anything, I just hung up.

It will surprise me if he calls ever again.

 

Holy crap. Yeah. I'd be surprised too. But he has surprised me up to now to be honest so I wouldn't put it past him.

 

Sorry girl. But you flipped your lid.

 

It doesn't sound like you were really trying to address the contact issue.

It sounds like you were pushing and pushing for way more reassurances and a pouring out of feelings.

People don't fall in love on queue. Sometimes it takes them longer and they want to be sure of what they are feeling before they declare it.

 

 

 

It almost felt like he had been wanting to bring this up the whole time but just didn't have the guts to say it. It seemed like he might have been a bit relieved...like "off the hook".

 

THAT I seriously doubt.

 

If that was the case he would have called it quits at the first opportunity.

He certainly would not have spent hours on the phone with you.

 

And he DEFINITELY would not have said he still wanted to pursue things after you told him explicitly that you were "done".

 

He would not have said ANYTHING about talking to you tomorrow -- or EVER.

 

Especially with how things went down.

 

I don't know.

I hate this. I feel so stupid. I feel like a fool. I brought it on myself. I got attached too soon.

 

You got attached when you got attached.

 

There is no hard fast rule for anyone or any couple.

 

But you certainly wanted him to feel exactly the same way at exactly the same moment and it is LOVE right now or NOTHING at all.

 

That makes me sad.

 

Your fear of being the only one who had deep feelings caused you to push him away and shut down a relationship that was moving along quite nicely.

 

I might have even overreacted...chased him away. I don't know. It might be all my fault.

 

Yes. I hate to have to say it because it isn't what you WANT to hear but yes you did.

 

You wanted him to say certain things and when he didn't say those very specific things you flipped out and then shut it all down.

 

 

I'm sure he isn't thinking of me either.

 

I am not sure.

 

He probably is thinking of you and wondering what the hell happened.

One minute everything was fine in his mind.

The next you are talking about -- well I don't know but I know you didn't approach it the way I had said -- and then all hell broke loose and you were breaking it off with him.

 

So he may indeed be thinking about you.

 

But who knows WHAT he is thinking.

 

I almost feel like I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just let the cards fall where they may.

 

But too late for that.

 

What you should have done was stick with the issue at hand.

 

You should not have let the conversation turn into an emotional break down.

 

All you were looking for was more or more regular contact. You would have gotten some reassurance from that alone.

 

But it sounds like you let it go to "I love you and if you can't say you love me back right this very minute then it is over!".

 

That is more than a little unfair.

 

You guys have been talking for a little over a month.

You may be willing to jump in with both feet at that point - he needs a bit more time.

HE DID introduce you to his parents which he has RARELY done.

And took you to church with him and he has NEVER done that.

That's pretty damn good progress in a month!!