PG Love Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I am unsure how to classify myself. I was a FMW and now I am separated from STBX and so is my SO (FMM). We are currently living together and waiting to finalize our divorces. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I was an OW for 4 years before getting married to someone else. My new H then cheated on me. Karma anyone? So, I learn from both sides as well as feel I can offer non judgemental opinions. Also wanted to add that although OW can be a long term fixture in a relationship - many here come for closure (either leaving MM or wondering if he will ever Divorce) ...after they solve the problem, they move on. The title OW is temporary (hopefully!). Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 There are soe pretty damaged individuals here - though some of the most extreme have been on hiatus for a while (maybe blocked?). Some, but not all, of these are BS or fBS, but others just think they're the planetary arbiter on what goes down or not - you know the kind, the people who wreck everyone's meal out a a restaurant by loudly dissing the music because it's not to their personal taste, no matter how good the band is or who else might be enjoying it. Myself - former serial OW, unrepentant and unfazed, currently in happy-ever-afterville with my former MM who is awaiting the court sign off on his D (he's been separated about a year; I joined him about six months ago as his full time live in partner in paradise and though we've always been an open and "out" couple, our living together has cemented that very publicly). Once the D is through, we'll join GEL and her fMM as one of the mythical 3% that you see bandied around here so often, of affair couples who land up getting married. Welcome, SL - and any other lurking noobs. "Here be dragons" indeed, but also some good friends and sage words, if you look in the right place! Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I was the ow for 4 years, my mm seperated 6 months ago. So I guess now I am a SMG , lol Link to post Share on other sites
lovestruck818 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 What's a BS? I am currently an OW. Story plays out like this: I recently became friends with a new group of people down where I live. One of the guys is this gorgeous guy married to, well, a not so attractive woman. He is really nice. The first time we met we chatted a lot and laughed and that was really it but then I saw him on the train one day home from work. He asked me if I wanted to hang out that night and I said I was ok with it as long as his wife was. He told me she doesn't really care what he does. He ended up coming over and we drank for a bit and made out- no sex, just making out, ya know the fun stuff. Anyway, so he has been taking me to lunch, steak dinner, skiing...and while all of this nice and new and exciting...i am worried b/c I do not want to ruin my friendship with him, hid wife or anyone else in the group. He is young and recently married and I guess he is having a hard time adjusting to married life. I know this probably wrong of me to get involved...but it is what it is at the moment...and as long as it goes no further, I don't have too much of a problem with it. Anyway, that's my story. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 BS= Betrayed Spouse Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 WIthout hijacking the thread as an aside it has been suggested that the 3% is in fact a myth. While the numbers arent huge there is tremendous underreporting of relationships that are born of affairs that work out. Lots of people dont want to admit to it. And as for the forums, many of the people in relationships that move seamlessly from A to open relationship dont end up posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 WIthout hijacking the thread as an aside it has been suggested that the 3% is in fact a myth. While the numbers arent huge there is tremendous underreporting of relationships that are born of affairs that work out. Lots of people dont want to admit to it. And as for the forums, many of the people in relationships that move seamlessly from A to open relationship dont end up posting. Which boils down to...there's just no way to know the truth of how many could be successful. It might be 3%, it might be 6%, it might be <1%. Those surveys may well be wrong, but they're the closest you have to any measured, statistical data. Until someone else does a new, more accurate survey...anything else is even MORE of a guess. I work in a field where we have these kinds of stats all the time. We know that the measuring process isn't anywhere near the accuracy we'd like...but we also have absolutely NO other data to work from, so we have to go with what we've got...inaccuracies and all. In this case, you'll notice the people who support the poll are the ones who are most positively influenced by the results. The ones who declaim it are the ones most negatively impacted by what the survey says. Bottom line? It's all a crap shoot...you're going to have to do YOUR OWN risk/benefit analysis and see where you think you'll end up. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Agreed statistics can always be manipulated Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 jj and Owl, just curious on the subject of statistics...anyone know the statistic of people who date and then get married, where there's no extramarital affair involved? I never really had the 3% magic statistic to compare it to anything of relevance.... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 jj and Owl, just curious on the subject of statistics...anyone know the statistic of people who date and then get married, where there's no extramarital affair involved? I never really had the 3% magic statistic to compare it to anything of relevance.... And THAT is a good, relevent question...that unfortunately I have no answer to. But, good point that any data should be COMPARED to something else to have any real meaning. That 3% has a good 'scarey sound' to it...but there's no telling what the comparison is to. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 To further complicate the mythical 3% number... I believe I read somewhere that in order to "qualify" the couple has to stay "happily" married for five years with no infidelity on either side. Try to measure that one - talk about margin for error Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I started a new thread, so as not to tj this one further. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 In this case, you'll notice the people who support the poll are the ones who are most positively influenced by the results. The ones who declaim it are the ones most negatively impacted by what the survey says. In THIS case? I think that's pretty true of ANY social stats! For example, the statistics on the number of illegal immigrants are always argued as being under reported / too low by those in favour of stricter controls and fewer immigrants, and as been inflated / too high by those in favour of relaxing immigration controls and facilitating movement of people. Personally, though, I admit to another prejudice - as someone who used to teach social research methods, I can't abide poorly constructed research or badly analysed data or conclusions which aren't borne out by the findings. So much "research" is shoddy and misleading, and when one adds to that the misreading often foisted upon studies by journalists reporting on them, it's wrist-slitting! Bottom line? It's all a crap shoot...you're going to have to do YOUR OWN risk/benefit analysis and see where you think you'll end up. Absolutely! Surveys by their nature are big picture, reporting trends and changes over time. They cannot be used with any accuracy to predict outcomes of individual cases, because so many factors are hidden in large scale averaging out. If it was possible to get hold of the raw data, and select only those cases which were "similar enough" to one's own circumstances, it may be more accurate - but again, the nature of surveys is that they often don't ask all those kinds of discriminating questions which would allow one to determine how similar or otherwise a respondent was to oneself. Link to post Share on other sites
willing Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Yes, I am now a first- time OW. I am also still married to my serial cheating husband. He was my first and only sexual partner for two decades until I started my recent affair. So now I can see both sides of the fence. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 SL, this is such an interesting thread you started. I am very new here, and I found this Board when I was at the height of despair. I came here to share my situation thinking that it would be a refuge and a place to get genuine feedback and good counsel. I did find that with so many very kind souls here, and I'm forever grateful for it. But, I was also amazed about some of the vitriol. Several posters explained that there were a number of BS who post here, and as a result of the extreme pain they've suffered often direct their anger at those who "out" themselves as the OW. While I truly do understand the perspective of the BS, and the intense pain they must feel, I do think it sometimes undermines the ultimate purpose of this forum. That's not to say that anyone should be coddled, or told that what they are doing is just peachy. That's not my feeling at all. But, I do think there is a way to offer candid and frank advice, without hearing that you're evil, selfish and have no regard for others. I was helped very much (and am still being helped as I live through the pain of ending my relationship several weeks ago because I lurk each day), but I doubt I'll post very much. There are times that I wish I could just run through the threads and remind everyone that judgement isn't helpful and ultimately serves no real purpose. As an xOM, this was pretty much my experience here too. There are some very caring and helpful people here, and their advice was helpful to me. But just as often there were those who projected too much of their own personal betrayal or morality into my own situation. I did try to raise consciousness of the level of judgement, but I was almost universally met with a kind of doe-eyed bewilderment, and a defensive posture that "judgement was a necessary part of existence". Without real guidance from the moderators, the OM/W forum is going to face these kinds of problems for the foreseeable future. I may lurk from time to time, but I'll be relieved to focus my contributions in more supportive forums. Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I did try to raise consciousness of the level of judgement, but I was almost universally met with a kind of doe-eyed bewilderment, and a defensive posture that "judgement was a necessary part of existence". Ah, but you put up a galliant fight, Mio! Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Ah, but you put up a galliant fight, Mio! Very kind of you to say that, LG. I was starting to feel like one of those crazy people who stands on street corners and shouts at people about end-times Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Hi there... I am an OW and I have many MMs... most of them are younger MMs... At 15 I was an OW... and became his partner for 18 years (that was my first 'ex').. After I left my 2nd 'ex' at 50, I went on a sexual rampage.. and I didn't really care if they were married or not.. I dumped many .. but also kept in touch with many of them.. Never been a BS... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 There are some very caring and helpful people here, and their advice was helpful to me. But just as often there were those who projected too much of their own personal betrayal or morality into my own situation. I am a long time ago BS, now happily remarried. While I understand the need for a non-judgemental environment, it would be nice to get a better sense that some of the OM/OW understand the potential pain involved for the others peripherally involved in the relationship. It's OK to be happy that you've found your "soulmate", just be aware that your happiness may come at some cost to others. Just my two cents... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 While I understand the need for a non-judgemental environment, it would be nice to get a better sense that some of the OM/OW understand the potential pain involved for the others peripherally involved in the relationship. Sure. I think there's a way to meet both of these goals without resorting to condemnation, moralising or berating. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 While I understand the need for a non-judgemental environment, it would be nice to get a better sense that some of the OM/OW understand the potential pain involved for the others peripherally involved in the relationship. I'm so beyond this! When I was a kid, I worried about the potential pain for others - the girls he dumped me for, the girls he didn't pick because he picked me, his parents who'd rather he chose someone "more their type", etc. But you can spend your entire life focused on other people's POTENTIAL pain, or you can get on with your own life and treat others like adults who are responsible for their own lives and what they do with them. If some MP who has made a commitment to some other person CHOOSES to get involved with someone else - guess what? That's THEIR choice! And if their BS doesn't like it, they're free to respond in whatever way they choose, and deal with the consequences. At this stage of my life I am not going to lock myself inside a house and never do anything for fear of potentially upsetting someone else - how could I vote if I knew that potentially half the country would disagree with my choice, and be upset by it? How could I shop, if the competitor products not chosen would bring upset to their manufacturers? How could I eat, knowing that starving kids a few miles away were begrudging my having food when they didn't? It gets a bit ridiculous. I guess that's why we have laws to govern our behavioiur, and our own moral precepts to guide us, and consequences for our actions whichever way we decide. Worrying about someone else's potential pain for something that is perfectly legal, perfectly in keeping with one's own morality and for which one is perfectly willing to face the consequences is IMO immature. I'd far rather LIVE than wait out my days in fear and inability to act. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Without real guidance from the moderators, the OM/W forum is going to face these kinds of problems for the foreseeable future. I may lurk from time to time, but I'll be relieved to focus my contributions in more supportive forums. Or stick around and try not to direct too much when things get out of hand? People who find this board when they're in the midst of huge pain and confusion need to hear the voices of those who've been there and can offer non-judgmental support. Why desert the entire place just because it can be a difficult environment? Then again I'm quite pig-headed and tenacious I... it would be nice to get a better sense that some of the OM/OW understand the potential pain involved for the others peripherally involved in the relationship. It's OK to be happy that you've found your "soulmate", just be aware that your happiness may come at some cost to others. Just my two cents... It would also be nice if those who think that affairs consist of happiness and soulmates could open their eyes and see the pain and devastation the OPs go through. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Or stick around and try not to direct too much when things get out of hand? People who find this board when they're in the midst of huge pain and confusion need to hear the voices of those who've been there and can offer non-judgmental support. Why desert the entire place just because it can be a difficult environment? Then again I'm quite pig-headed and tenacious I'm not as thick-skinned as you are by the sounds of things. I try to be, and I will put up a good fight. But eventually I'll feel the toxicity around me seeping in. Maybe if I just post and not really follow the threads too closely I might be OK. It would also be nice if those who think that affairs consist of happiness and soulmates could open their eyes and see the pain and devastation the OPs go through. Seeing you write this really gives me a lot of heart Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I'm not as thick-skinned as you are by the sounds of things. I try to be, and I will put up a good fight. But eventually I'll feel the toxicity around me seeping in. Maybe if I just post and not really follow the threads too closely I might be OK. I took breaks. Lots of them. Especially when things were very painful for me in my own situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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