Career VS Family

[Touche]

Oh..TBF.. it's hard to explain. It's just very different when their your own. They know how to push your buttons because your their mom. Perhaps a new thread should be started about what makes a good mother?

 

Mea:)

 

That's a great idea for a thread!

 

And again, nope..not a given. One never can really know what type of parent one wil be until one is actually a parent!

[Trialbyfire]

It isn't a given.

Its actually quite arrogant of you to say that.

You know I like you TBF, but I do think you should back off on this- as you have no leg to stand on.

You honestly cannot predict the future on this.

Neither can I - I THINK I will be a good parent, but I have no way of knowing this FOR SURE.

Feel free to correct me when you do have children, and you turn out (as I am pretty sure you will) to be a great mom.

Sure, it's arrogant but that's okay. I can back it up with experience with children. I'm sure it will be different with my own children but if it's anything, it can only be better.

 

As it stands, I don't raise my voice to anyone, unless it's to get information across distances or loud background noises. I don't believe in spanking, physical or verbal abuse. I adore children and haven't had one that doesn't react back in a positive manner, from receiving positive attention and reinforcement. I have strong boundaries which remain consistent, etc. These are a few of the reasons why I know I'm going to be a great mother. I don't think child-rearing is rocket science.

[Touche]

Calaz, excellent post. You get it. You MUST be a parent!

 

And SB, you are so dead on. Really. I absolutely see greatness in you as a parent. Why? Because one of the biggest challenges in being a great parent is being able to take the blinders off and not have any set ideas about things - you have to be flexible...really seeing things as they are and having no pre-conceived ideas. So you're already displaying all the qualities of a great parent.

 

I applaud you.

[Meaplus3]

MEA, I can't tell you how much I respect you. What you do is tough as hell. I mean I know how hard it can be with just our one guy...but you are a wonder with your three! I truly admire what you do.

 

Thanks for saying that Touche it means alot. You know 1,3,5,7..really the number does not matter. All it takes is just having even one child to feel how tough parenting can be. I remember the day I brought my first child home from the hospital. He was all bundeld up in his car carrier. I walked in the door with him and thought to myself "Well what now?' "What do I do with him?" "Does he need to or sleep"..I had NO clue.

 

They know my buttons too but I don't let them get to me.

 

I'd like you to come back and tell me that after you've had one of your own.

 

 

That's a great idea for a thread!

 

 

Your more brave then me..can you start one?

 

Mea:)

[sb129]

I know someone who thinks she is a "great" parent.

 

She is home all day, she works from home during her sons naptimes and at night.

 

She lives in a gorgeous big house, and there is plenty of money.

 

Child wants for nothing- has own room, own bathroom, own playroom. Best of everything. Absolutely piles of toys.

 

The child eats only organic food, not junk except for rare special treats. he has a very strict schedule, dinner is at exactly the same time EVERY day (5pm) he goes to bed at exactly 7pm every night, has scheduled one- on one playtime with Mommy most days and does a variety of external activities like music class, swimming etc.

 

Seems perfect right?

Wrong.

 

Mommy is neurotic, overprotective and unflexible. Child is totally overstimulated by all the toys and activities and is clingy and will probably grow up to be needy and have ADHD.

Dad is hardly ever home, so I suspect alot of what Mom does is to overcompensate for that. But she is smothering her child by devoting herself 110% to him. She has no life for herself and her marriage is failing.

 

After seeing this "perfect parenting straight from a book" type approach, I know for sure that its an approach I definitely will NOT be taking.

 

Point is, she can't see what she is doing wrong. She may not be doing anything wrong in some peoples opinions, but to me and my H it was obvious there was something wrong in that house, you could feel it. And if we could, then the kid must have too, surely.

[sb129]

Sure, it's arrogant but that's okay. I can back it up with experience with children. I'm sure it will be different with my own children but if it's anything, it can only be better.

 

As it stands, I don't raise my voice to anyone, unless it's to get information across distances or loud background noises. I don't believe in spanking, physical or verbal abuse. I adore children and haven't had one that doesn't react back in a positive manner, from receiving positive attention and reinforcement. I have strong boundaries which remain consistent, etc. These are a few of the reasons why I know I'm going to be a great mother. I don't think child-rearing is rocket science.

 

Hmm.

 

Well, you have forgotten one teensy weensy thing here.

 

YOU may have great boundaries and self control, but the thing about being a parent (I think) is that there is a variable that you can't always control- the child.

Children are not good, quiet and sweet 100% of the time. Its just not possible!

[Touche]

Yes, we all agree that a SAH parent isn't necessarily a good parent. No doubt about it.

 

My only point is that if you DON'T have to work and you are, you are automatically not a great parent by default.

 

Why? Because it's about ego and/or greed. Nothing more and nothing less. It's also selfish. The word "sacrifice" doesn't enter into a less than stellar parent. But the word and idea of "sacrifice" ALWAYS is at the forefront of great parent' minds.

 

SB, you even brought up the idea about a smaller house I believe. There you go. How many parents are willing to do that? Almost none I'd venture to say. Like I said it's about ego and/or greed.

[Trialbyfire]

Hmm.

 

Well, you have forgotten one teensy weensy thing here.

 

YOU may have great boundaries and self control, but the thing about being a parent (I think) is that there is a variable that you can't always control- the child.

Children are not good, quiet and sweet 100% of the time. Its just not possible!

Sure. Have you ever handled children in a full temper tantrum? I have, which includes children who are bright, not so bright and also handi-capped. There are ways to get them to settle down, which doesn't include bribery, jellyfish behaviour or being too strict.

[Touche]

Sure. Have you ever handled children in a full temper tantrum? I have, which includes children who are bright, not so bright and also handi-capped. There are ways to get them to settle down, which doesn't include bribery, jellyfish behaviour or being too strict.

 

Sure, it's easy to do that once in a while. Are you telling me that YOUR parents never bribed you? Hahah! Tell me another one. Come on!

 

Have you ever had to try to "settle down" a child that was with you 24/7 for more than a few weeks? HINT: The same "techniques" don't work every single time. Ask any parent and see if I'm wrong about that.

 

Oh and just curious...did your mother work while raising you? Not that I think that bit is really relevant to the discussion here but now I'm curious.

 

Look anyone can say how great they are with other parents' kids until the cows come home. I just think it's really delusional to keep ignoring those who ARE parents when they tell you it's NOT the same! Hell, even some on here who AREN'T parent's are astute enough to say as much. I mean, really! Get a clue! Talk about delusions...sheesh!

 

I mean helping someone give birth and watching their children once in a while doesn't even give you a HINT of what it's really like to raise a child.

[sb129]

Yes, we all agree that a SAH parent isn't necessarily a good parent. No doubt about it.

 

My only point is that if you DON'T have to work and you are, you are automatically not a great parent by default.

 

Why? Because it's about ego and/or greed. Nothing more and nothing less. It's also selfish. The word "sacrifice" doesn't enter into a less than stellar parent. But the word and idea of "sacrifice" ALWAYS is at the forefront of great parent' minds.

 

SB, you even brought up the idea about a smaller house I believe. There you go. How many parents are willing to do that? Almost none I'd venture to say. Like I said it's about ego and/or greed.

 

Ok, well then by definition neither my H nor I HAVE to work, because we could actually survive on government handouts in this country, and BOTH be SAH parents.

 

In all honesty, I can't see us moving to a smaller house. Its an option, but a last-resort one. So I guess that means to keep our house, I HAVE to work. I don't see whats wrong with that- we haev worked really hard to get to where we are today. Do we really have to drop our standard of living just to be 'great' parents? I don't think so.

 

Sure. Have you ever handled children in a full temper tantrum? I have, which includes children who are bright, not so bright and also handi-capped. There are ways to get them to settle down, which doesn't include bribery, jellyfish behaviour or being too strict.

 

Yes, I have. Both at work and my friends children.

 

But I haven't had to deal with a toddlers fourth tantrum of the day after a night of little or broken sleep getting up to feed the baby...

[Touche]

Ok, well then by definition neither my H nor I HAVE to work, because we could actually survive on government handouts in this country, and BOTH be SAH parents.

 

No, no, no. I'm not saying that. What would you be teaching your children if you weren't self-sufficient? When I say one doesn't have to work I mean ONE of you stays home, while the other works...NOT taking gov't handouts.

 

In all honesty, I can't see us moving to a smaller house. Its an option, but a last-resort one. So I guess that means to keep our house, I HAVE to work. I don't see whats wrong with that- we haev worked really hard to get to where we are today. Do we really have to drop our standard of living just to be 'great' parents? I don't think so.

 

But the fact that having a smaller house is even an option for you, speaks volumes about where your priorities lie.

 

And of course you don't HAVE to drop your standard of living to be great parents. Only YOU both can answer that according to your definition of what a great parent is.

 

If you think being great parents means that one of you should mostly be with the child, and not a daycare provider, and if that means giving up an income and that drops your standard of living yes...so be it.

 

But if being great parents means something else to you and that doesn't entail dropping your standard of living then again...so be it.

 

That's entirely up to you.

[sb129]

No, no, no. I'm not saying that. What would you be teaching your children if you weren't self-sufficient? When I say one doesn't have to work I mean ONE of you stays home, while the other works...NOT taking gov't handouts

.

 

Oh settle down! I was just kidding, playing devils advocate if you will.

 

One of us will mostly be with the child, but we will have to use a daycare provider for a small part of the week to enable us both to work. I will cut my hours down too probably rather than not work at all.

 

Anyway! It hasn't even happened yet. Its all theoretical at this stage....

[Touche]

.

 

Oh settle down! I was just kidding, playing devils advocate if you will.

 

One of us will mostly be with the child, but we will have to use a daycare provider for a small part of the week to enable us both to work. I will cut my hours down too probably rather than not work at all.

 

Anyway! It hasn't even happened yet. Its all theoretical at this stage....

 

I'm settled, I'm settled! I was just saying that that wasn't what I meant. I know you were playing devil's advocate but I know you know what I really meant.

 

No matter what you do, I think it's great that you're looking at ALL options rather than have blinders on and deciding now, before you even have your child, how it's going to play out. You're not rigid and that's what I admire.

 

I know that once you have a child of your own you will just instinctively KNOW what's right for your child. What's good for one child isn't great for another.

 

That's why it's foolish to make decisions about such things beforehand.

 

The best parents are those who are willing to be flexible and do what's right for their child(ren) and their family. And yes, that might mean sacrificing and it might also mean going against one's original plan.

 

Deciding ahead of time regarding what's best for your child and family is foolish..I mean especially when the child and the S/O are not even in the picture yet!!!

[Trialbyfire]

But I haven't had to deal with a toddlers fourth tantrum of the day after a night of little or broken sleep getting up to feed the baby...

That's one possessed child who has 4 tantrums in one day. It probably means that it either has serious behavioural issues or there are serious issues with the parent.

[Touche]

That's one possessed child who has 4 tantrums in one day. It probably means that it either has serious behavioural issues or there are serious issues with the parent.

 

:lmao: Wow...that tells me you haven't been around a normal 2-3 year old much!

[sb129]

Well, as far as not in the picture goes here... I wouldn't quite say that.

 

There is a twinkle in my Hs eye, for sure. As I said, will keep you posted on that.

[Trialbyfire]

:lmao: Wow...that tells me you haven't been around a normal 2-3 year old much!

As stated, either the child has serious behavioural issues or there's a problem with the parenting.

[Touche]

Well, as far as not in the picture goes here... I wouldn't quite say that.

 

There is a twinkle in my Hs eye, for sure. As I said, will keep you posted on that.

 

Firstly SB, that wasn't directed at you. You are being very open-minded in regards to this as yet unborn child's upbringing.

 

Secondly....SPILL IT!!!!!!! Do you suspect your pregnant? You do don't you? Wow, I'm already sooooo excited for you! That's awesome. A little Wonder Baby! Yay!

[Touche]

As stated, either the child has serious behavioural issues or there's a problem with the parenting.

 

Again..... too funny!

 

It would be ABNORMAL if a kid that age hasn't started to assert him/herself by then. They'd be scared little robots and that would indicate a huge problem with their upbringing.

[Trialbyfire]

Again..... too funny!

 

It would be ABNORMAL if a kid that age hasn't started to assert him/herself by then. They'd be scared little robots and that would indicate a huge problem with their upbringing.

Something tells me you haven't been exposed to too many 2 to 3 year olds, if you feel this is normal behaviour. It's not.

[sb129]

Firstly SB, that wasn't directed at you. You are being very open-minded in regards to this as yet unborn child's upbringing.

 

Secondly....SPILL IT!!!!!!! Do you suspect your pregnant? You do don't you? Wow, I'm already sooooo excited for you! That's awesome. A little Wonder Baby! Yay!

 

All I am saying is that we were at it like rabbits on the right days of the month.

[Trialbyfire]

http://www.babycenter.com/0_tantrums_11569.bc

 

Watch for signs of overstress.

 

Although daily tantrums are a perfectly normal part of the mid-toddler years, you do need to keep an eye out for possible problems. Has there been upheaval in the family? An extremely busy or harried period? Tension between Mom and Dad? All of these can provoke tantrums. If after the age of 30 months your child is still having major tantrums every day, talk to your doctor. If your child is younger than 30 months and has three or four tantrums a day and isn't cooperating with any routines, such as getting dressed or picking up toys, you also may want to seek help. Your doctor can make sure your child has no serious physical or psychological problems and suggest ways to deal with the outbursts. Also, talk to your doctor if your child has frightening breath-holding spells when he gets upset. There's some evidence that this behavior is linked to an iron deficiency.

 

[Touche]

Something tells me you haven't been exposed to too many 2 to 3 year olds, if you feel this is normal behaviour. It's not.

 

Well, you'd be wrong in saying that.

 

I mean just looking at my own son's behavior at that age I can tell you it is normal. And I've been around many kids at that age who are now teens and beyond. It's normal.

 

I mean our son didn't throw 4 temper tantrums a day every day or anything...but yep, he sometimes did. Sometimes it was 3 or 4 times as day and then nothing for days and weeks at a time. And then it could start again. That's NORMAL.

 

Like I said it would be very abnormal...very concerning if a kid that age didn't assert himself at all. I'd wonder why the kid was so scared and timid. I'd think him/her developmentally challenged.

 

Anyway, I think SB made her point very well. I think maybe you took the four temper tantrums thing a day bit a little too literally.

 

I got her point.

 

The point is that you have never really seen or experienced what it truly is to be a parent.

 

When I was in my 20's I had a job as a counselor in the after school program of our Jewish Community Center. It was great. I loved the kids. They listened to me and they seemed to love me too.

 

Some of the parents couldn't believe it when I told them what an angel their kids were with me! It was funny. I used to think maybe the parents were not handling them right or something.

 

Riiiight! Hahah...I know better now. Nothing like EXPERIENCE to teach one the truth.

 

Now I laugh at how foolish and blind I was.

[Trialbyfire]

Touche, read what I just posted. Just for you, I'm going to blanket my friends to find out what's normal for tantrums. I suspect that if you were accustomed to a lot or even daily tantrums, there was some serious restrictions on this child. Let me guess, you spanked him when he had a tantrum.

[Touche]

All I am saying is that we were at it like rabbits on the right days of the month.

 

You'll be pregnant within 3 months!!!! I just know it! Hahah! How exciting SB. I can't wait!!!!

 

Can I ask you something? You don't have to say if you don't want to but can I ask how old you both are? You both seem very mature. You both seem really ready.

 

I mean just the fact that you've talked about all of this already is something. And you both seem so open to so many ways of raising your child. I really respect that.