a letter to my MM's BW

[Trimmer]

All coached by her, because of her anger for me, and trying to stop him from being with me by witholding child. Sick in my mind!

Yes, it's strange and bizarre, isn't it, the twisted thought patterns and desperate behaviors of someone who can't get something they think they are entitled to?

 

I still think you are misdirecting, toward her, the anger and desperation that would otherwise find him and yourself as (deserving but oblivious) targets.

[NoIDidn't]

I bet this is where the confusion & erratic thinking is coming from. She has been gaslighted beyond reason.

 

What is obvious to us, is incomprehensible to her.

 

 

Precisely!

 

I see a family that is managing life on a budget. I see a H that is just an unhappy person in general and his W has responded by eating to comfort herself since he blames her for his unhappiness.

 

But there is hope. The W can diet. The H will be stuck with his poor judgment and cowardice for a lifetime.

[Lucky_One]

Sure, telling child when to say thank you is is polite. But after she and I got into a phone exchange, that same day, he was expecting to see his child. So the message child left was very sad to me. Her in the background with child repeating, "Daddy, Mommies stomach hurts so we are just going home, I can't stop and see you tonight. Love you, bye" (and then her saying hang up now) All coached by her, because of her anger for me, and trying to stop him from being with me by witholding child. Sick in my mind!

 

I see nothing wrong with this. There are times when my son was much younger and on the phone with his dad when I would pass info along via kid "Tell Dad you have soccer practice tomorrow so you can't see him." "Tell Dad I am sick, so he can't come over."

 

You obviously do not have kids. And you obviously won't do well being a step-mother.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes, it's strange and bizarre, isn't it, the twisted thought patterns and desperate behaviors of someone who can't get something they think they are entitled to?

 

Very well said. Oh the irony.

[Trimmer]

Do you know how hard it is for him to get childcare to go out in the evenings with me after child is in bed. Babysitter's are 10 bucks an hour. 2x a week times two hours each. $40 dollars not including dinners, drinks....by the way, we don't go out until child is asleep and then sitter comes.

OH!!!! That poor hardworking, devoted father. Now I get it.

 

Everyone wants to tell me i am wrong, but as I said, I will give hime the next few days to show me how it will be.

After all this time, and all the patterns that you have observed already, what will be different about the next few days?

[Lucky_One]

She must eat in pain.

 

Bent if she lost 20 pounds she would still top the scales at almost 250. Another reason for her to stay, not to mention the moles on her face and the gaps in her teeth!! Or the tatoo on her saggy breast!

 

Wow.

 

He won't leave this ugly, horrible, vindictive and greedy woman.

 

Why not???? He has a paragon of kindness and beauty waiting for him.

[spinningwheels]

the babysitter hired is for OUR dates....the next few days will show if he will really go on this farce of a vacation. Not much time left to tell....if this post continues I will respond tomorrow. We are meeting for lunch and will hammer out everything.

[spinningwheels]

I was never married with an ex...but he did have two children where I think I did a great job. We lived together for five years.

[spinningwheels]

Have to get up early for date tomorrow. Sleep well.

[Lucky_One]

Why are you so positive he will leave for you this time, when he didn't move out in 2006, or in 2007, or in March of 2008, or when he didn't leave for any of his OOW that he was also seeing while he was seeing you?

[jj33]

Spinning if he has cheated on you before with lots of other women, he has cheated on his wife like there is no tomorrow how do you even believe him when he says the sun is shining?

 

Youve got to take another look at this. Maybe you will see it differently after a good night's sleep.

[GPFan]

Best wishes and have a wonderful (pretend happy and normal) vacation.

Send the letter, send it right away before you change your mind! I am sure it will bring you all that you richly deserve.

 

 

 

He will never stop this behavior. NEVER. It is who he is.

Well you said it, can't say you didn't warn yourself when you win your 'prize.'

 

How are his other OWs doing these days?

 

 

 

I just wish that she would leave me alone--I don't start contact with her, she does with me. I didn't restart contact with her husband after all of our ddays, he did.

Why do you write as if you have no say in this? He does things, she does things and you are what? Just hanging around whilst they pull the strings?

 

 

 

Two times he moved out. For a short period. Each time his child has said, I hope you will be happy daddy, I love you daddy, I miss you daddy!! He caves with his child. I have heard several messages from his child. They are very coached. They started when child was 7 and continue now and chilld is 10. That is what gets to him the most. I think her games are sick! When we are speaking on the phone she has her child scream, "I love you Dad!".

So you don't believe his child genuinely loves and misses him? Wow, he must be quite the guy.

 

 

 

Child overheard him on the phone to me crying. Please leave child out of this.

Too late. He already brought the child into it.

 

 

 

I could totally humilate her by mocking her attempts at trying to get him to remember when 12 years ago we did this, 10 years ago we did that.....oh here is our wedding song??? but I don't...

 

Bent if she lost 20 pounds she would still top the scales at almost 250. Another reason for her to stay, not to mention the moles on her face and the gaps in her teeth!! Or the tatoo on her saggy breast!

Are you happy and satisfied with the person you have become? A three-year charade, a wife, multiple other women have left you a bitter, desperate, angry woman.

 

What did you dream of as a young girl? How does that compare to your life now?

[greengoddess]

He has no family here, but her family happily would continue to support free child care.

 

It is not about money for that.

 

If he wanted his marraige they would have switched to work the same hours with less child care. Do you know how hard it is for him to get childcare to go out in the evenings with me after child is in bed. Babysitter's are 10 bucks an hour. 2x a week times two hours each. $40 dollars not including dinners, drinks....by the way, we don't go out until child is asleep and then sitter comes.

 

Everyone wants to tell me i am wrong, but as I said, I will give hime the next few days to show me how it will be. It all started out with a letter written in anger, and maybe I should rethink sending the letter.

 

:laugh:So the two nights a week he is home alone with his child and bored while his wife works he hires a sitter behind her back and slinks into bed with you. He already showed you how it will be. After each dday it was his opportunity to get out. To tell his wife he is in love with you but he chose to crawl on his knees and beg her forgiveness and you have chose to keep slinking in the shadows with him.

 

Print this letter and all of your responses to everyone here and please please take it to a therapist. You need help. If he is in love with you it is his responsibility to tell her and leave not her responsibility to throw him out. Can you not see that?

[greengoddess]

oh and he hires a sitter for TWO WHOLE HOURS having to spend $20.:laugh::laugh::laugh: You must really be worth that twenty bucks.

[spinningwheels]

whatever....yes,sometimes he hires the sitter for two hours, sometimes longer--and not behind wifes back, she comes home and the sitter leaves--he doesn't go home until much later. But beleive me we spend time together and he spends money on dinners,vacations with me! And if you look back at my posts, we have only been in my bed 2x in the past six weeks, the rest of the time we are going out and trying talk things out.

 

Your comment did not bother me!

 

I have to get ready for lunch with him, and as I said, I will see how today and tomorrow pan out.

 

And for his other OWS---that is why I stayed away from him for six months, and that is now why I am so cautious and have insisted on all passwords for everything, plus as I said his wife has hacked my account before, so turn about is fair play.

 

None of this really matters, I gave him a final chance. We will see if he comes through, if not, I'm out again for good.

[jj33]

Do you even hear yourself? You have passwords for everything? How would you even know if he had another yahoo account under a different name or another cell phone or who knows what.

 

The bottom line is why would you want to put yourself in that situation where you are having to play private investigator to feel secure that someone who is a known liar and cheater on you on his wife on who knows who else is telling you the truth. You are not saving a marriage it was an affair ....

 

there are no words. This is a very sad situation. Have you considered counselling?

[child_of_isis]

Words from an OW who 'won' her man...we don't have any money to do anything, she gets it all".

 

Prepare to get a 2nd job. Of course he will be seeing OW's while you are busting butt to pay the bills.

 

Lucky you!

 

whatever....yes,sometimes he hires the sitter for two hours, sometimes longer--and not behind wifes back, she comes home and the sitter leaves--he doesn't go home until much later. But beleive me we spend time together and he spends money on dinners,vacations with me!

[jj33]

What a living hell his wife must be going through being with someone so heartless and so emotionally abusive and contemptuous of her feelings, ripping at every shred of her dignity. And doesnt even have what it takes to leave her in peace.

 

People are who they are. Its not the cheating its the way he treats people in a more general sense. He doesnt even attempt to And you really want to sign up to this? You think you had tears before? Just wait. This is a definite case of be careful what you ask for, you just may get it.

[whichwayisup]

And for his other OWS---that is why I stayed away from him for six months, and that is now why I am so cautious and have insisted on all passwords for everything

This is funny actually. You checking up on him just like his wife does. Yet you bash her for doing the exact same thing you're doing! Difference is, SHE is his WIFE and you are NOT.

 

I have no clue WTF you see in this guy, but go ahead, have that lunch - Let him have all the control.

 

Honestly, if you really wanted out you wouldn't be even going to this lunch with him, you'd be telling him to stay away from you, and go no contact.

 

Me thinks you're completely addicted to this drama and you keep adding fuel to the fire to keep it going. I'm actually wondering if this is for real..

[spinningwheels]

Sadly, this is for real. I never said I wanted out. I said I was giving him a final shot. Today at lunch we will talk about things and see if will follow through with what I asked of him. If not, then there will be NC forever.

 

I am sick of the drama and that is why he gave himself the OCT 1 deadline. I am done with all of it, and have been sitting back and watching his actions.

 

I don't bash his wife for checking up on him, I bash her for hacking my account, and for contacting me. I don't contact her! She sees everything that he sends me, and the few things that I send him. I've even asked him to change his passwords, but he won't! He just doesn't care anymore what she sees. I however change my passwords constantly since she figured mine out.

 

If we don't work out, I will be shutting down that e-mail account and as I said, I have a different cell phone number, so my old phone will be turned off. I will cut them both out of my life.

 

Well, he is picking me up in a half an hour so I will be around for a bit longer.

 

I reread that letter from last night, and it really was just a huge vent! I was very upset yesterday, but I feel much better because I have finally told him exactly what I needed. Oct 1st deadline is fine, but no final vacation. We will see what he decides.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Good luck spinningwheels!

 

[herenow]

It seems like you have put up with this MM's charades for so long, my question is: What's the big deal about this vacation? Why is it so important that he not go? Are you afraid that he may have a good time without you? That he may decide you aren't worth the drama that you cause? That even though his wife is a big, fat, ugly bitch at least she lets him do whatever he wants. And, you are asking him to live a life he isn't willing to do.

 

Or, are you upset because he isn't doing what you want him to do and he is doing what his wife wants him to do. Sounds like he has made a choice and it's not you.

 

You are demanding that he do something he really doesn't want to do, or he would have done it already. I say send the letter. That way he can blame you for the destruction of what ever you call your relationship with him, and he will be able to move on to the next OW without much hassle. Go ahead, I'm sure he can't wait for you to send it.

[Owl]

I've got to agree with WWIU's observation...this entire thread is surreal.

 

What was the point of your letter to the BW? What did you hope to gain from it? What results were you looking for?

 

You sound like you blame this entire situation, and all of your pain...on HER.

 

I don't get it. How is ANY of this her fault?

 

Clearly he's to blame for stringing you along for 3 years. He's obviously a very skilled liar and manipulator to have successfully kept you on the hook for this length of time.

 

You're equally culpable for your own pain. You've had all the chances in the world to walk away when it became screamingly clear that he's not changing, that he's staying right where he's at.

 

But you want to blame HER instead? For WHAT???

 

Not giving up???

 

Seriously...I would suggest IC for you. Individual counseling to help you understand why YOU have accepted all of this for so long. I'd also suggest you print out this thread, and take it with you. I think that your post and your responses to other posters could provide considerable insight for an IC to help you deal with things.

 

The bottom line is very simple to me...by continuing the affair, you're making the CHOICE to be involved in all this drama.

 

YOU are right where YOU want to be right now. YOU are right where YOU have CHOSEN to be.

 

And YOU are going to stay right where you're at until YOU make a choice to change something.

 

What's left to consider?

[bentnotbroken]

I've got to agree with WWIU's observation...this entire thread is surreal.

 

What was the point of your letter to the BW? What did you hope to gain from it? What results were you looking for?

 

You sound like you blame this entire situation, and all of your pain...on HER.

 

I don't get it. How is ANY of this her fault?

 

Clearly he's to blame for stringing you along for 3 years. He's obviously a very skilled liar and manipulator to have successfully kept you on the hook for this length of time.

 

You're equally culpable for your own pain. You've had all the chances in the world to walk away when it became screamingly clear that he's not changing, that he's staying right where he's at.

 

But you want to blame HER instead? For WHAT???

 

Not giving up???

 

Seriously...I would suggest IC for you. Individual counseling to help you understand why YOU have accepted all of this for so long. I'd also suggest you print out this thread, and take it with you. I think that your post and your responses to other posters could provide considerable insight for an IC to help you deal with things.

 

The bottom line is very simple to me...by continuing the affair, you're making the CHOICE to be involved in all this drama.

 

YOU are right where YOU want to be right now. YOU are right where YOU have CHOSEN to be.

 

And YOU are going to stay right where you're at until YOU make a choice to change something.

 

What's left to consider?

 

 

She is RIGHT WHERE SHE WANTS TO BE isn't she? I couldn't live a life with that much turmoil. It seems she thrives on it. Strange.

[herenow]

She is RIGHT WHERE SHE WANTS TO BE isn't she? I couldn't live a life with that much turmoil. It seems she thrives on it. Strange.

 

This M may be a conflict avoider and he wants his W or the OP to make any final decisions so that he won't have to. He may want the letter sent or the OP to contact his wife so that things will come to an end and he can move on to a lower drama OW. It's quite obvious that his wife isn't going anywhere so if spinning does the dirty work and sends the letter, his troubles will be over and he's off to greener pastures.