a letter to my MM's BW

[lovinmylife]

to make a long story short, she is his wife. it shouldn't matter to you how she reacts or what really goes on. she still has more to do with him then you do. it shouldn't matter either what he is doing. you have your own mind, and you are choosing to be in this situation by entertaining it. sending the letter will only do more harm than good. MORE HARM THAN GOOD, unless you are expecting her to respond like "you know what... you're right... you can have him". i don't think so

[bentnotbroken]

I didn't give him until October 1st. That was his deadline. If he leaves for vacation on Saturday--I am done.

 

He spoke to a lawyer to find out what would be about normal support given that they both have an income. He knows he will be in a hard place.

 

I really don't even want get into thinking about him leaving, because, right now, I believe we will never speak after this weekend. There is no amount of pleading or reasoning that will allow me to swallow this vacation. He has heard what I have said, and I believe he takes me seriously, but, I don't know what will happen. I really am just trying to relax and enjoy the nice night outside with a book, wine and my laptop. I have told him not to call me again tonight.

 

 

But you said she was only employed part of the week. Not a full week. So how does that help him?

[spinningwheels]

Bent, she works three twelve hour days a week, plus two friday half days(five hours) a month and one five hour sunday. She is basically full time. Just longer days so more days off. I know what he earns a year, (70,000) She is probably around 40,000-50000.

 

Green, exactly why I will not go forward with his compromise.

 

Me--Really--he did have it good, which is why this sitch has gone on so long. As long as we both kept our mouths shut ajd not rock the boat he had it made. I rocked the boat when I stopped speaking to him in Feb. When he came crying back, I still ignored him for a month, until he gave me a plan--I allowed myself to let him back in with a wait and see if he followed thru attitude. It is easier for them to stay married and lead seperate lives than to divorce. I will not live that way anymore. So, like I said, I am just watching his actions.

 

Funny enough, whoever said he should move in with me...he asked several times. I would never allow it. He needs his own place for his child to visit and for him to learn to be alone. He went from his first wife, to his current wife (she was his OW in his 1st M).

 

Back to my book, will check in later. It is a great mystery so far.(the book--not my life:rolleyes:) No Time for Goodbye by Linwood Barclay. Never read anything by him before, I just picked it up at the store.

[LoyalGirl]

He went from his first wife, to his current wife (she was his OW in his 1st M).

 

History will repeat itself again and again. Encourage him to go to IC.

[whichwayisup]

Me--Really--he did have it good, which is why this sitch has gone on so long

Uhh, isn't that what affairs with married people are all about? They stay married, and get roof over their heads, they get the benefits of still being married, keeping the family together, having two to meet their needs, and life is good..UNTIL feelings get in the way and the dynamtics change (the D is mentioned by either MM or OW) and it goes from there.

 

They put themselves in that situation where they might have to choose, but then again, so does the OW/OM as well. It's up to each to decide how much they're willing to put up with and/or settle for.

 

you are pissed at them both for settling, yet you're doing the exact same thing.

 

Maybe I'm offbase here, but I don't believe when Oct 1st rolls around, you'll end it and walk away forever. You'll give him more chances, more time to figure it out because you don't want to give up on him and what you shared with him.

[whichwayisup]

He went from his first wife, to his current wife (she was his OW in his 1st M).

And you want this guy, why? Obviously he is a serial cheater and can't stay faithful ro anyone for long. What a prize you could catch if you do end up with him..

[spinningwheels]

I hear you whichway! That is why I am so leery...Oct 1. is his deadline. Saturday is mine, he had until oct 1 if he did not go on this vacation. Vacation pushed up the deadline for me. In fact, I never gave him a deadline, I told him get your child settled in school and make a move before halloween. He could have continued to date me until November and try to jerk me around then. He was the one who said no later than Oct.1. He is the one who thinks that he dictates the deadline and can go on vacation, come back home and move out 10 days later. I threw the hammer down about the vacation. I will be done.

 

I am pissed at all of us for settling! But I am done compromising and waiting. You need to remember that I changed my life in Feb. cut him out completely. I did not ever respond to anything he sent to me, I never answered his calls. I never returned messages. I did it, and can do it again. I probably did make a mistake when he came crying to me in August....his months of tearful messages did not get to me. Seeing him did crying in front of me did. I may have been a sucker then..but he will never get within 10 feet of me again if he goes through with this stupid vacation plan. I can cut him off again, and this time for good.

 

Back to my book.

[whichwayisup]

You need to remember that I changed my life in Feb. cut him out completely.

You cut him off completely before, you can do it again. Except this time don't see him, ever. If you see him coming your way, turn and go the opposite direction. Ignore him.

 

I am relieved you're NOT sending her that letter.

[child_of_isis]

This is why he doesn't leave. This type of man needs one nest to go to before he leaves the one he is in.

 

He'll not live alone. He's too weak.

 

I can bet you anything that he is on the prowl for another OW in case his W does boot him. Or he may already have one in his back pocket. Hidden e-mail addys & cells are a dime a dozen.

 

He'll need someone to help support him (and his family) financially after the divorce settlement. He will need someone to go to who will believe the stories about a gold digging, frigid, nag of a W & take pity on him & pony up for the bills, the night outs, the babysitters, etc.

 

 

 

 

Funny enough, whoever said he should move in with me...he asked several times. I would never allow it. He needs his own place for his child to visit and for him to learn to be alone. He went from his first wife, to his current wife (she was his OW in his 1st M).

 

[child_of_isis]

Get a restraining order on him. I don't know why the vacation is a deal breaker. He is a dog. And will always be a dog.

 

Just because he doesn't go on vacation, do you think that will magically change who he is?

 

Or will it just be a ploy to keep you hanging for a while longer?

 

Will the vacation stop him from having other OW's & telling you that you are crazy for believing such things?

 

.but he will never get within 10 feet of me again if he goes through with this stupid vacation plan.

[bentnotbroken]

I think he should go on vacation and never come back. Maybe he will get lost in the Bermuda triangle or something. Or he will just implode from all the crap he has caused.

[child_of_isis]

I agree. One poster said something on LS...something along the lines that they were convinced that not all people were 100% human (or something to that effect).....

 

This keeps coming to mind when I think of this guy.

 

He has destroyed 2 women, a child, a home, a marriage....in the course of 3 short years. And it is obvious that he doesn't care about any of that.

 

How can he be considered 100% human?

 

I think he should go on vacation and never come back. Maybe he will get lost in the Bermuda triangle or something. Or he will just implode from all the crap he has caused.

[spinningwheels]

Child you may be right about him being a dog. I don't know if he has really changed or was bull****ting me!

 

I do know as far as my spending...maybe in three years I spent about ten bucks on him! He paid for dinners, vacations, etc. I always gave nice xmas and birthday gifts but so did he! He is not looking to me for money--so I hope that you are not saying that I support him. Believe, I run my household (although he always tries to gas up my car or give me extra for spa days) by myself and after all is said and done would never be able to contribute to any of his obligations!

 

 

You are right, he has told me he does not want to be alone. So I am probably have stopped us from being together for years, because I would never allow him to move in with me. Cold and cruel as many have said I was, I didn't think it was a good idea because of his child. He addressed my questioning of this, and said that as long as it was temporary he would stay alone. He wanted a deadline for that. I said at least a year. I know that scares him...but christ, I have lived alone for 5 years. I do get it, he has never really lived alone straight from family to first wife for over ten years to second wife for over 10 years.

I really can't articulate a reason that this vacation is a dealbreaker. If I had to try it is because HE not ME begged me for another chance. Another chance does not include a vacation with his wife and her family. As I said before, if he wanted to HE could take his child away and spend some time with his child by himself. I mean they are pulling that kid out of school for a week just after school started--he could wait a couple weeks and take a long weekend with his child. It is all jumbled and not coming out right, but I just feel like if he wanted this to work, there are a lot of options for him spending time at the beach with his child. He does not have to go with his wife and her family.

[spinningwheels]

You actually made me crack up!!! Get lost in the Bermuda triangle!!!!

 

Believe me child and bent, all of my friends HATE him!!! That should tell me something, right?

[bentnotbroken]

You actually made me crack up!!! Get lost in the Bermuda triangle!!!!

 

Believe me child and bent, all of my friends HATE him!!! That should tell me something, right?

 

While I don't advocate hate, it sounds like you have smart friends.

[wildsoul]

Have you thought that maybe you made a mistake by taking him back before he's taken any kind of action towards moving out?

 

It seems like you were in a more powerful position before, in the 6mos that you were broken up. But after taking him back before he took action, now you're in this weird position of having to make ultimatums in order to inspire action (and it's not working so well.) He got you hooked again, before he actually did anything, yanno?

[child_of_isis]

He doesn't believe he will lose you forever. What he believes...is that in time (and separation) he can wittle away your defenses. He has already done it.

 

And fully believes that he can do it again. He has already told you that he is going to split up the vacation between you & W. And in his mind, that is exactly what he is going to do.

 

Prepare yourself for some major pressure to adjust to his way of thinking....and pressure to conform to his plan of this split vacation.

 

Ya know...love shouldn't have to be a constant struggle to hold your ground. That's too exhausting. If you end up w/this guy, your entire life will be one exhausting power struggle after another.

 

Geeeeessh...get out...before you end up weighing 300 pounds. Look at W's life...is that what you want?????

 

If he leaves this weekend, I hope he has a wonderful vacation. And has really prepared to lose me forever.

 

.

[child_of_isis]

He already proved that he hasn't changed, he returned the same person..cheating, lying, totally disrespecting his W & family. I see no change there.

 

Change would have been papers in his hand & an apartment, and a non drama life for you.

 

You've got exactly what you had when you cut him off 6 or so months ago.

 

Child you may be right about him being a dog. I don't know if he has really changed or was bull****ting me!

.

[spinningwheels]

Thanks to all who have replied. Tonight is Thursday, they leave for vacatrion on Saturday, and he still won't tell me that he is not going or that he is. I told him to go and have a wonderful vacation. That every single night there he should think of me at around 11:00pm. And imagine me in bed with the man I had been dating, because that is exactly where I would be. Then I hung up and turned phones off. I AM DONE!!!!

[noforgiveness]

Thanks to all who have replied. Tonight is Thursday, they leave for vacatrion on Saturday, and he still won't tell me that he is not going or that he is. I told him to go and have a wonderful vacation. That every single night there he should think of me at around 11:00pm. And imagine me in bed with the man I had been dating, because that is exactly where I would be. Then I hung up and turned phones off. I AM DONE!!!!

 

Nice you just made yourself sound like a w&*^e. Someone good to play with but not for a real relationship. He's probably jealous and angry but also realizes you aren't someone to bring home to momma.

[Owl]

So what steps are you going to take to cut this cancer out of your life?

[child_of_isis]

That's emotional manipulation on your part. And it shows him that you care. So of course he doesn't believe that you will be laid up with someone else.

 

Which gives him an "in" when he returns. He thinks you will get over your little mad spell once he is gone for a few days.

 

You are not done. Not yet.

 

He will be back on your alloted vacation days...you'll play coy & pissy, but you will be so angry that you WILL speak to him...if for no other reason than to tell him you hate his guts. He will see this as the door opening just a little further.

 

And the cycle continues.

 

See how this works? Only you can break the cycle.

 

Thanks to all who have replied. Tonight is Thursday, they leave for vacatrion on Saturday, and he still won't tell me that he is not going or that he is. I told him to go and have a wonderful vacation. That every single night there he should think of me at around 11:00pm. And imagine me in bed with the man I had been dating, because that is exactly where I would be. Then I hung up and turned phones off. I AM DONE!!!!

[Owl]

Good post, CoI.

 

And its something the OP needs to stop and consider, rather than dismiss out of hand.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Nice you just made yourself sound like a w&*^e. Someone good to play with but not for a real relationship. He's probably jealous and angry but also realizes you aren't someone to bring home to momma.

 

 

NF,

 

It seems she was drawing a parallel and asking him to put the shoe on the other foot. That doesn't make one a wh*re.

 

She let him know she was second to him (considered him worthy of putting herself beneath him) when she agreed to this situation. She's finally realizing that that is how he wanted it. Frankly, I see it as the first step in taking her power back. Unfortunately, future steps involve admitting that you relinquished it willingly, and that becomes a difficult personal journey. Add to that the grieving over what you wanted to believe and you've got the same internal struggle that so many others here are fighting right now.

 

SW, good luck in taking your power back. I hope that one day you can view this as nothing more than an a much needed life lesson in a quest toward achieving an indomitable spirit and self respect.

[whichwayisup]

they leave for vacatrion on Saturday, and he still won't tell me that he is not going or that he is

 

Ofcourse he is going. Sorry but he more than likely had plans to go from the get-go.

 

Stay strong with the NC, and heal yourself. Forget him, his wife and the affair..