InLimbo2 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Do you really believe that an affair or even a one night stand is impossible to hide and the truth has to come out eventually? Look at Barbara Walters and that Senator - they kept the secret for what? 30 or 40 years? And both were in very pubic and high profile careers. And had Babs not been a public persona, the truth would have never come out. She'd have just been Barbra who had an affair with a married man and nobody ever found out. She can pretend that it didn't happen, but the truth WILL come out eventually. There is a chance, albeit slim, that the marriage can heal if she is forthright and fesses up to her betrayal. However, if her husband finds out from someone else...the marriage will MOST definitely be over. Face your problems head on. If you try to run from them, they will catch up to you. At least by facing your problems head-on, you stand a fighting chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Very true - mine is a different life experience than yours - the difference is I don't state my position on it as fact - like you do. You don't know what the other poster had for a drink - so you are reaching also - and assuming. My SO had the 151 when he ordered a rum and coke in a place we go to often - he had no clue that 151 meant 151 proof. I know that after 1 beer my judgment is impaired - evidently so was hers. You are assuming again - I know I get tanked - and my judgment is impaired and my libido is increased by drinking - the only way I know that is because I've experienced it. How do you know that wasn't the first time it ever happened to the OP? You don't - but your assumptions make it easier to hang her. So what if he was attracted to her? Now she's responsible for his feelings? This could have just as easily been someone who was attracted to her and she didn't know. I've had a drink or two or more with people who have an attraction to me - but I know I can trust them to not take advantage of it or me. She picked her friends badly. Double standards baby. She's fully responsible for her behaviour, to have a drink, then supposedly drunk enough to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
InLimbo2 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Where have I ever said she has no responsibility for her behavior? I responded to a post that said you can't get drunk off one drink - you can. The posters that want to crucify her don't want to believe it but that doesn't change things. And it's also quite possible that she didn't know the effect the booze would have on her if it's the first time, now she does. She learned a hard lesson - shame she didn't learn it before marriage, but sh*t happens and life can be messy or ugly. Double standards baby. She's fully responsible for her behaviour, to have a drink, then supposedly drunk enough to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 She's fully responsible for her behaviour i think she is too. worse than that if you find external reason for your behaviour it can prevent the full introspection thats essential after cheating Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 i think she is too. worse than that if you find external reason for your behaviour it can prevent the full introspection thats essential after cheating Ba da bing!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 That's your opinion - and it's only an opinion - not fact. There are any number of drugs - and yes alcohol is a drug - that can cause people to do and say things they normally would never. Then if she can't handle her booze she shouldn't drink. If one knows they make the wrong choices when drunk, and put themselves in situations that have serious consquences, well, don't drink. That's the choice she has, or anyone else has when drinking and knowing their judgement and values change so much. Link to post Share on other sites
InLimbo2 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 BINGO! Which is why I severely limit any drinking as well as who I drink with - I learned that lesson in my 20s. How do you know the OP knew that she can't handle her booze and makes wrong choices when she drinks before this experience? Then if she can't handle her booze she shouldn't drink. If one knows they make the wrong choices when drunk, and put themselves in situations that have serious consquences, well, don't drink. That's the choice she has, or anyone else has when drinking and knowing their judgement and values change so much. Link to post Share on other sites
InLimbo2 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 And sometimes a f*ck is just a f*ck and it has no great meaning or need for introspection. do I condone it - nope. do I think it's a good thing to do in a relationship - nope. But it happens. And really, for a great many people - if there was no fear of being caught or found out - they'd do it. Thats why all the surveys of people who cheat are so high. i think she is too. worse than that if you find external reason for your behaviour it can prevent the full introspection thats essential after cheating Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 And sometimes a f*ck is just a f*ck and it has no great meaning or need for introspection. blimey i dont think thats really the case here though the above is true if everyones happy or content with what happened and noone was manipulated, or noone got into a cab with a complete stranger or regretted what they did Link to post Share on other sites
InLimbo2 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I was talking in generalities - however, the OP gave no indication there was anything wrong with her marriage and only related an alcohol fueled mistake. Lots of people cheat and your 'conditions' are met - the two people were happy with what happened, neither was manipulated, and no regrets. And it's still cheating. blimey i dont think thats really the case here though the above is true if everyones happy or content with what happened and noone was manipulated, or noone got into a cab with a complete stranger or regretted what they did Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I was talking in generalities - however, the OP gave no indication there was anything wrong with her marriage and only related an alcohol fueled mistake. Lots of people cheat and your 'conditions' are met - the two people were happy with what happened, neither was manipulated, and no regrets. And it's still cheating. but she said she felt horrible, so she's not happy, so she should probably consider examining her actions 2nd point, yes i agree it is still cheating, so that in itself should warrant some introspection, but if no remorse was felt, its unlikely to happen - my list was egs rather than being comprehensive - laziness on my part Link to post Share on other sites
InLimbo2 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I take her at her word that it was the booze - those who want to crucify her don't *shrug*. yes she's unhappy, she examined her actions, and now she knows she can't handle her booze and does stuff she shouldn't when under the influence. She learned her lesson. But the posters here don't seem satisfied - she's got to continue to pay for her actions until when? Til she confesses, makes her husband just as unhappy and miserable, and destroys her marriage. As for the second point - there is a whole segment of society that sees sex as just sex - and love is a separate thing - and have no regret or need for introspection. but she said she felt horrible, so she's not happy, so she should probably consider examining her actions 2nd point, yes i agree it is still cheating, so that in itself should warrant some introspection, but if no remorse was felt, its unlikely to happen - my list was egs rather than being comprehensive - laziness on my part Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I take her at her word that it was the booze - those who want to crucify her don't *shrug*. yes she's unhappy, she examined her actions, and now she knows she can't handle her booze and does stuff she shouldn't when under the influence. She learned her lesson. But the posters here don't seem satisfied - she's got to continue to pay for her actions until when? Til she confesses, makes her husband just as unhappy and miserable, and destroys her marriage. i dont think i was crucifying her to be fair. i just think that placing all the blame in the hands of a drink could be enabling her to not do what could need to be done. if she wants to have a happy marriage then it would be folly to just shut the door - im not talking about 100 hail marys a day or penance, im referring to making cognitive decisions as to whether theres underlying issues that led to this. if there werent, yes, blame the drink. Dont blame the drink before you can cross the other reasons off the list of suspects. Link to post Share on other sites
InLimbo2 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 wasn't specifically to you - to a number of posters here. We don't know what introspection she did before posting - more than likely she at least thought about what she did before she found an internet board to post on about it. and the only thing she mentioned was the alcohol - not that there was any other trouble in her marriage. to say - or even imply - that there is is pure speculation and fuel for those posters who do wish to crucify her. i dont think i was crucifying her to be fair. i just think that placing all the blame in the hands of a drink could be enabling her to not do what could need to be done. if she wants to have a happy marriage then it would be folly to just shut the door - im not talking about 100 hail marys a day or penance, im referring to making cognitive decisions as to whether theres underlying issues that led to this. if there werent, yes, blame the drink. Dont blame the drink before you can cross the other reasons off the list of suspects. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 ok cool i took her posts to be that her post was pretty soon after the event, so no real time had passed to consider her actions, and sometimes it takes a while for the panic and initial reactions to wear off and for issues to clear. i dont even know if she does blame the drink 100% - it might even be her way of trying to create a defense on a volatile subject so she didnt get bashed too much it sounded like she was in shock i thought, and in that state, id say dont do anything at all until your head clears a bit, but dont just shut it out totally, and when youre less panic stricken, examine whats happened and what state your relationship is in Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 And sometimes a f*ck is just a f*ck and it has no great meaning or need for introspection. Tell that to her husband. Look if she had one drink and then had time to leave the bar, go to a private place, mess around and eventually have sex it is highly unlikely that she was that drunk. Sorry you feel otherwise but thats the plane simple truth and a woman who is old enough to be married knows her limits. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I take her at her word that it was the booze - those who want to crucify her don't *shrug*. yes she's unhappy, she examined her actions, and now she knows she can't handle her booze and does stuff she shouldn't when under the influence. She learned her lesson. But the posters here don't seem satisfied - she's got to continue to pay for her actions Look I could careless if she pays! We are simply saying that you can't blame alchol for your wrong doings and sure right now she's sorry because it just happend lets see if shes singing the same tune 5 years from now. As for the second point - there is a whole segment of society that sees sex as just sex - and love is a separate thing - and have no regret or need for introspection. You honeslty think that justifies married people having affairs? I doubt her husband shared this point of view and this was his marriage to and he has the right to know whats going on in it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ifeelbad Posted July 20, 2008 Author Share Posted July 20, 2008 Wow, I have been reading what all have been saying and therefore feel as some might need a little background. I am 30 years old and have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 20. I did not include it because I did not want this post to be about why I was dating a 20 year old at 16. We survived high school (me) and college (both) and I have never cheated on him. I love my husband and won the husband lotto in getting to marry him. More so, I have only been with 2 men my whole life. 1 being my husband. It's not that I am sex crazed or looking for a one night stand. Here's a how it happened. I have know this guy and am also friends with his sister. She was at his house and he called me over to watch a movie since he knew I was off from work. I came over and he offered crown and coke. Knowing that I do not drink I said no. They insisted and I gave in thinking I was just going to sip. (I did not sip) I am also 5'3 and lbs. I am a small girl so it hit me like a ton of bricks. I went to the restroom upstairs in the guest bedroom. I did not want them to hear me puke. Not feeling so hot, I laid down in the guest room. Not his bedroom! I must have fallen asleep and soon realized that he was next to me rubbing on my back asking if I was OK as he was laying next to me. I was in and out. Soon he was on top and inside. Not to say too much on this forum but he must have stroked me twice before I stopped it and left. Regarding the post of foreplay, there was not much and I had on a dress so not much to remove. Regarding the post asking why I was hanging out with a guy that I knew liked me. Because I had know him since before my marriage and I have always been very clear about my feeling toward him and that I only viewed him as a friend. I can not believe I was such an idiot and ruined my marriage. Also, please stop with the name calling. I might be lame but just need some advise on what to do! T Link to post Share on other sites
carrot10 Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 I read this whole thing and up until the op's last post, I thought what most everyone else thought. but It seems to me that what happened could be called rape. She was passed out drunk and just got sick. That almost happend to me in high school. Lucky for me, a friend spotted the guy going into the room I was passed out in. How horrible for you. I'm so sorry that happend. It is no way your fault drink or no drink. That "friend" is a dirtbag rapist. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 With this new information, please think about telling your husband because this guy totally took advantage of you and the state you were in. Yes, I still think you could have said no about the drink in the first place. I don't drink due to migraines and I also don't like the taste of any kind of alcohol - I HAVE been offered drinks at party's, dinner gatherings, I say no. Yes it IS annoying to be asked more than once but I don't give in because I know I'll feel like crap and get that migraine. It seems these two pressured you. This guy is NOT your friend and fact is, he could tell his sister and make up some story to protect himself. This is another reason to tell your husband. What he did to you wasn't right, he knew you were sick and not feeling well, that you were dopey. Something else to consider here (yet another reason to tell your H) is it possible he drugged you? I gave in thinking I was just going to sip. (I did not sip) I am also 5'3 and lbs. I don't mean to pry and I understand if you don't answer, but you say you haven't drank in 2 years, and that you didn't sip the drink - Did you stop drinking because you're an alcoholic? And if your friend and her brother, the guy who likes you, knew that you didn't drink they shouldn't be offering you booze. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 There's absolutely no reason to not tell your husband now. He deserves to know so he can take action. In the interim, both of you should get STD checks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ifeelbad Posted July 20, 2008 Author Share Posted July 20, 2008 With this new information, please think about telling your husband because this guy totally took advantage of you and the state you were in. Yes, I still think you could have said no about the drink in the first place. I don't drink due to migraines and I also don't like the taste of any kind of alcohol - I HAVE been offered drinks at party's, dinner gatherings, I say no. Yes it IS annoying to be asked more than once but I don't give in because I know I'll feel like crap and get that migraine. It seems these two pressured you. This guy is NOT your friend and fact is, he could tell his sister and make up some story to protect himself. This is another reason to tell your husband. What he did to you wasn't right, he knew you were sick and not feeling well, that you were dopey. Something else to consider here (yet another reason to tell your H) is it possible he drugged you? I don't mean to pry and I understand if you don't answer, but you say you haven't drank in 2 years, and that you didn't sip the drink - Did you stop drinking because you're an alcoholic? And if your friend and her brother, the guy who likes you, knew that you didn't drink they shouldn't be offering you booze. No my husband does not drink at all never ever of his family history. I always drank socially. We don't keep any in the house so it was even we were out to dinner I would have a glass of wine. Plus as I mention I am a tiny person that weights 98lbs. So, a glass is my limit. One day, my husband and I were out to dinner with our son, my son asked what I was drinking and why daddy was not drinking it. Simple question from a 4 year old but I just decided to stop as well. It was not that important to me and thought that it was no big deal not to. So I did not drink. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 So, OP, are you going to tell your husband about this? There's no reason why not to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ifeelbad Posted July 20, 2008 Author Share Posted July 20, 2008 I don't want to think that he would drug me...I texted him asking why he was in the bed in the guest bedroom! He said he was just checking on me. I told him that just checking on me. He did not have to get in the bed to do so. I have not heard back. I don't want to think that he took advange of me. It's like all the post say, I am an married adult that should have not been there and more so, I should not have started to drink. I needed to stick to my guns and so I have no one else to blame but myself. I just can't belive that I was so stuiped! I can't not belive that I cheated now! We made it through college and I really thought that since we were not older and settled that nothing like this could happen and it's killing me that I ruined it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ifeelbad Posted July 20, 2008 Author Share Posted July 20, 2008 So, OP, are you going to tell your husband about this? There's no reason why not to. I don't know, I am scared! I don't know how to start this conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
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