GreenEyedLady Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 He loves you "in the moment" but once those moments are gone, chances are he doesn't. This is why he, like many other MM are able to throw their OW under the bus. This is called having your cake and eating it too. Men CAN separate love and sex. What you may think IS love to him, could very well abit of ego, and loving feeling desired by someone else. Sure, he cares about you, but he's also made sure YOU know you're second fiddle next to his wife and his dog. It's only been 5 months, as an XOW, I seriously doubt he is in love with her right now...I'd put my money on lust... OP, MM do not fall in love with their OW right away...They are wanting to keep their W's and have you meet their sex and ego needs...They compartmentalize so that they can rationalize what they are doing...It takes awhile before they actually fall in love, because they are promised to someone else, even if it's merely lip service... I know that sucks to hear, but honestly, MM don't want to have to do the work of finding another OW...That's why they work so hard to keep you...They like you, enjoy sex with you and don't want to go out and find someone else to agree to have an A with them...Why should they if all they have to do is put forth a little extra effort to keep their OW? Maybe this post won't be popular, but it's true of many MM...It benefits the MM to whisper sweet nothings to his OW so he gets to keep what he has...They do fall in love, but it usually takes quite awhile...And don't make the mistake of thinking that you really know them; You know what they let you know...When the R gets more serious, they'll let you know more and they'll let you in. OP, he has already figured out that you'll understand him not leaving for a dog...So he has the perfect excuse...One that you understand and forgive him for... I think your hesitation here stems from not believing what he tells you, and that gut feeling is one that you should listen to. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingsaga Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 It's only been 5 months, as an XOW, I seriously doubt he is in love with her right now...I'd put my money on lust... OP, MM do not fall in love with their OW right away...They are wanting to keep their W's and have you meet their sex and ego needs...They compartmentalize so that they can rationalize what they are doing...It takes awhile before they actually fall in love, because they are promised to someone else, even if it's merely lip service... I know that sucks to hear, but honestly, MM don't want to have to do the work of finding another OW...That's why they work so hard to keep you...They like you, enjoy sex with you and don't want to go out and find someone else to agree to have an A with them...Why should they if all they have to do is put forth a little extra effort to keep their OW? Maybe this post won't be popular, but it's true of many MM...It benefits the MM to whisper sweet nothings to his OW so he gets to keep what he has...They do fall in love, but it usually takes quite awhile...And don't make the mistake of thinking that you really know them; You know what they let you know...When the R gets more serious, they'll let you know more and they'll let you in. OP, he has already figured out that you'll understand him not leaving for a dog...So he has the perfect excuse...One that you understand and forgive him for... I think your hesitation here stems from not believing what he tells you, and that gut feeling is one that you should listen to. GEL i wonder why you think you know so much about MM... i always see ppl on here saying not to generalise & stereotype & here you are generalising & stereotyping. i have read that if they dont leave in 6 months they arent really unhappily M'ed & wont ever leave, or may go back & forth, or may leave & regret it etc... there are way to many circumstances to boil it down to ONE. IMO MMs COULD well be unhappily M'ed & fall in love right away w/ OW b/c he knows right away shes the one for him. in that case he does leave right away. otherwise if he hims & haws about leaving hes not that serious & not in love w/ anyone else but himself IMO, even if he does eventually leave its prolly b/c his W got tired of his games or he doesnt even know what he really wants. i think if a man knows what he wants he'll act on it pretty soon, if not, its all just words. my friend from high school was the OW & her MM gave her the lines of hes miserable in his M & he never thought hed find an amazing woman like her. well in his case it must have been true b/c he moved out w/in the first couple months of them being together. he got D'ed & yes there were negatives to that-he has kids w/ his W & his wife put him through the ringer b/c he didnt hide his A. but IMO hes one of the rare MMs who did things the right way- he didnt keep her a secret or lie to her or his W, he acted on his words no matter what the risks. and they are happy today w/ a 2 year old of there own & sharing custody of his kids to. so it CAN happen but not like this IMO- if its love, he'd already have started showing her by now. & if not, hes just confused & selfish. then again thats just my opinion & we all have one. im not stating mine like its gold but it makes a lot more sense to me then saying someone cant know if there in love after 5 mnths... Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingsaga Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 PS it sounds like your saying GEL that first MM uses OW & then he falls in love w/ her. if so thats not the way love is supposed to work & i dont think it could be real. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 i wonder why you think you know so much about MM... i always see ppl on here saying not to generalise & stereotype & here you are generalising & stereotyping. i'm not stating mine like its gold but it makes a lot more sense to me then saying someone cant know if there in love after 5 mnths... Hmm...You sound real familiar... I know so much about MM because I've been around for awhile, and mine left to be with me... Perhaps you don't read the forums...MM don't leave unless it's been years...No one is going to give up financial stability, time with their kids, social status etc for someone they don't know...And you don't really know anyone after only 6 months...So for all those thinking if it doesn't happen in 6 months it's not going to happen, you've been mislead...EVERY single couple I know where the MM has left it has been over a year and usually 3 years and even more before the MM left... I'd venture a guess that the reason the mythical 3% only last is because the other 97% include the MM who left in the first 6 months... You have your opinon, I have mine...But most MM are not going to fall in love within 5 months...Their heart is split-between duty and conscience...It takes people not involved in A's a certain amount of time to fall in love; it's doubly so in an A for the MP...Love is not lust...Love takes knowing the person you're with and accepting them...And alot of MM say what they think you want to hear... I'm not generalizing or stereotyping...I'm speaking from experience...If you want to try and dismiss it, then that's your choice, but I think that that would be careless for the OP...I'm just trying to help others be real with themselves and see their situations for what they are...Deal with it... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 PS it sounds like your saying GEL that first MM uses OW & then he falls in love w/ her. if so thats not the way love is supposed to work & i dont think it could be real. P.S. OF COURSE THE MM USES THE OW AT FIRST! THAT'S WHY IT'S AN AFFAIR! The MM doesn't fall in love until after. You're very naive. Unless it's a situation where the two were friends or co-workers first, you don't fall in love until you've been with the person awhile and get to know them. And it's your perogative to think it's real or not. Doesn't affect my life or R. And finally, I don't know why you're fighting with me. I'm here to help and help from experience. Why are you here? If you don't like my posts, put me on ignore. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Hmm...You sound real familiar... I know so much about MM because I've been around for awhile, and mine left to be with me... Perhaps you don't read the forums...MM don't leave unless it's been years...No one is going to give up financial stability, time with their kids, social status etc for someone they don't know...And you don't really know anyone after only 6 months...So for all those thinking if it doesn't happen in 6 months it's not going to happen, you've been mislead...EVERY single couple I know where the MM has left it has been over a year and usually 3 years and even more before the MM left... I'd venture a guess that the reason the mythical 3% only last is because the other 97% include the MM who left in the first 6 months... You have your opinon, I have mine...But most MM are not going to fall in love within 5 months...Their heart is split-between duty and conscience...It takes people not involved in A's a certain amount of time to fall in love; it's doubly so in an A for the MP...Love is not lust...Love takes knowing the person you're with and accepting them...And alot of MM say what they think you want to hear... I'm not generalizing or stereotyping...I'm speaking from experience...If you want to try and dismiss it, then that's your choice, but I think that that would be careless for the OP...I'm just trying to help others be real with themselves and see their situations for what they are...Deal with it...Hi Gel, You are right, They dont leave in the begining. Who is going to put themselves out their in a finanial mess for an A in the begining. The alimony, the child support, pls the guilt that comes along with it. By the way, i sent my mm the post. I told him look.... I found another excuse for you... Wait until the dog dies,, you havent used that one:lmao:. So yeah, he is piss right now:p Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 P.S. OF COURSE THE MM USES THE OW AT FIRST! THAT'S WHY IT'S AN AFFAIR! The MM doesn't fall in love until after. You're very naive. Unless it's a situation where the two were friends or co-workers first, you don't fall in love until you've been with the person awhile and get to know them. And it's your perogative to think it's real or not. Doesn't affect my life or R. And finally, I don't know why you're fighting with me. I'm here to help and help from experience. Why are you here? If you don't like my posts, put me on ignore. GEL I agree again,, It took a year before we even talked about love.... we had known and worked together for years. It was just that an A... then after a year, feelings were there,,, Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I think in getting slightly of the subject we are giving Gypsy false hopes. I highly doubt that gypsy's MM is anything like GEL's. I think that he is manipulative and actually is still in love with his W and never going to leave. He is going to be one of those men that beg for a second chance when his W finds out about the affair, and down play the feelings he had for Gypsy. Gypsy, you probably need to move on soon. I think letting the W know isn't a completely bad idea, but your reasons are all wrong. You don't want to get him by default do you? I would enjoy this vacation with him then let his W know and call it quits. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I think in getting slightly of the subject we are giving Gypsy false hopes. I highly doubt that gypsy's MM is anything like GEL's. I think that he is manipulative and actually is still in love with his W and never going to leave. He is going to be one of those men that beg for a second chance when his W finds out about the affair, and down play the feelings he had for Gypsy. I am wondering if you read my first post. I didn't give her false hope at all; it was quite the opposite. And I agree with you about him being into his W and I said that. He's just making excuses. My primary comments were for the OP...The secondary comments were to address Neverendingsaga's dissertation... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Hmm...You sound real familiar... I know so much about MM because I've been around for awhile, and mine left to be with me... Perhaps you don't read the forums...MM don't leave unless it's been years...No one is going to give up financial stability, time with their kids, social status etc for someone they don't know...And you don't really know anyone after only 6 months...So for all those thinking if it doesn't happen in 6 months it's not going to happen, you've been mislead...EVERY single couple I know where the MM has left it has been over a year and usually 3 years and even more before the MM left... I'd venture a guess that the reason the mythical 3% only last is because the other 97% include the MM who left in the first 6 months... You have your opinon, I have mine...But most MM are not going to fall in love within 5 months...Their heart is split-between duty and conscience...It takes people not involved in A's a certain amount of time to fall in love; it's doubly so in an A for the MP...Love is not lust...Love takes knowing the person you're with and accepting them...And alot of MM say what they think you want to hear... I'm not generalizing or stereotyping...I'm speaking from experience...If you want to try and dismiss it, then that's your choice, but I think that that would be careless for the OP...I'm just trying to help others be real with themselves and see their situations for what they are...Deal with it... Lucky for you a billion MM live down your block! Write a book. You'll make lots and lots of money! Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Yes I read your first post GEL. I just can tell that Gypsy is grasping for anything right now. I didn't want her to confuse your happy ending with hope for hers. Gypsy seems to be a little fragile at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I read often but post seldom. Right now I'm thinking bad thoughts and want to consult with you ladies. Don't sweat it - bad thoughts come with the territory. I've been with MM for 5 months. All is going very well, considering that he's married to another woman. I spend time with him every day. He treats me like a princess (even when I'm ranting and raving about his marriage). To recap, he's 35, married 12 years, no kids, wife is a workaholic. His reason for not leaving yet is he's waiting for their dog to die. That sounds morbid. If he truly loved the dog, he wouldn't be waiting like a vulture on its demise. Most MMs wait for the kids to leave home. Few of them hang around hoping they'll die... Anyway, we went on our first trip together from Thurs. until yesterday (Sat.). We had a great time--until he decided he wanted to leave a few hours earlier than expected, and drove home like he'd heard his house was on fire. He knew I was upset and kept telling me to calm down, relax, he just wanted to get home, it was no big deal, etc. but I just stayed quiet. Later last night I wouldn't even pick up the phone for him because I didn't want to get into it, so he sent me a text about what a great time he had and how there was nothing worry about, and I should "stay positive." It's no big deal that he wants to get away from you, into the arms of his W? Big deal, in my book. Deal breaker right there. He showed up at my door this morning (because he was worrried I was angry). I am angry, but there was no point venting that to him--I'd get the same old story about how soon enough, he'll leave her and we'll be together. He can't understand that you're upset that he chooses his W over you? He's made you feel there is no point even trying to explain? He's silenced you completely? This guy can't - won't - hear or take on board your needs in this. Deal breaker right there. You're being used, sweetheart. But while he was here, I looked through his phone (we both do this all the time) and saw a message he sent her a few hours before we left yesterday. All it said was, "Baby, all is fine, be home late tonight." No message from her in response. That he used "baby" is killing me. The man has a guilty conscience. He regards you as something he's doing "wrong". He's trying to make it up to his W without her even suspecting, or demanding it. We have a 10-day vacation planned in a couple of weeks, and now I feel like a jerk about how much I'm looking forward to it. Will he want to leave a few days early from that? Yes. His conscience will plague him. He may not physically leave, but his thoughts will keep slipping home to his W. And, if you ask, his dog. Anyway, to my point--he's sworn from day one that if his wife had irrefutable proof that he was cheating, she'd leave him without hesitation (and probably take the dog with her). As of now, he says she knows something is up, but won't rock the boat since it's not in her face. I realized a while ago that I have a way of letting her know about this--a way that he would never be able to trace back to me. I've never been tempted to use it until now. Think carefully. It may well have the desired effect - and some others, beside. My head is spinning and I want the line to be drawn here. I want to know if she'll really leave him. I want to know if he'll throw me under the bus once she finds out. If that's the case, fine--I'll hurt terribly, but at least I won't be waiting on him for a life that won't ever materialize. I know everyone always says not to tell the wife, no good can come of it, but right now I feel like the h*ll with it. She may leave him, and so may the dog. Chances are though that he will throw you under the bus in the process, trying to beg his way back home. I've been with many MMs, some who've left their Ws and some who haven't. This is not a guy who's ready to leave his M. This is a guy who's hating what he's doing, riven with guilt, trying to keep everyone happy in the process and failing all round. I'm not surprised he feels so close to his dog - his human relations suck. He's the kind of guy who at the end of the movie is left sitting on the step drinking a beer with the dog sitting next to him, everyone else having dumped him and moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Oh, poor you. That's so unbearable and unfair to you, that he would show any affection to his wife. I mean, you deserve to be the princess and baby not her. You knew the risks getting involved with a married man and disrespecting his wife like that. If you mention anything to his wife, you will risk losing him too. You brought yourself into this sorry situation, so enjoy the pain and suffering because that's what you deserve Judging others by oneself, then? Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 He's the kind of guy who at the end of the movie is left sitting on the step drinking a beer with the dog sitting next to him, everyone else having dumped him and moved on. And then the dog stiffly falls over (playing dead) leaving him with an exasperated frown on his face! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 what the heck - the guy's playing you for a sucker - go with the evil thoughts, I say......... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 what the heck - the guy's playing you for a sucker - go with the evil thoughts, I say......... :laugh: LF I like how your mind works... :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 :laugh: LF I like how your mind works... :laugh: I'm in a "mood" tonight Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I'm in a "mood" tonight Shall I alert the homicide squad? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Shall I alert the homicide squad? nah - I'm safely 2,000 miles away from the possible target Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 nah - I'm safely 2,000 miles away from the possible target What's the range on a scud missile? Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Re-reading your response to NES, Gel, I've come to the conclusion that you have your head so far up her azz that you can see daylight coming down your throat! Maybe you need to bone up on your reading on the infidelity forum and review the threads posted by shelly76, Radioflyer, and ARDriver01, to name a few, to realize that spouses leave a marriage for another person in less time than you quoted far more often than you know! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Re-reading your response to NES, Gel, I've come to the conclusion that you have your head so far up her azz that you can see daylight coming down your throat! Maybe you need to bone up on your reading on the infidelity forum and review the threads posted by shelly76, Radioflyer, and ARDriver01, to name a few, to realize that spouses leave a marriage for another person in less time than you quoted far more often than you know! I think there's a difference between leaving a spouse occasioned by another person, and leaving a spouse for another person. Sure it's possible to leave a M ten minutes after meeting someone new; what is the probability you'll still be with that person 5, 10 years down the line? I guess the point GEL is trying to make is that those As where MM leaves after a couple of months of knowing OW are unlikely to be those that last long enough to make it into the mythical stats; those that are based on a longer, more deep-seated R are more likely to demonstrate longevity. Pretty much the same as with any M - the people who meet and marry within minutes often divorce minutes later, too; whereas those who take it slow, get to know their partner over time and then decide to M tend to be slower to D too. But then, there are no proper stats on this either way, so it's all pretty much based on conjecture, common sense and anecdotal evidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Gypsy, as for your evil thoughts - it comes and goes. And the dog - I'm sorry, but it's just a dog - what's wrong with him?? what the heck - the guy's playing you for a sucker - go with the evil thoughts, I say......... I'm in a "mood" tonight Shall I alert the homicide squad? nah - I'm safely 2,000 miles away from the possible target What's the range on a scud missile? You ladies are funny! I've missed so much!! Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Please let this woman know before she is dumb enough to conceive a child with this cheating scum. Then you can happily run off into the sunset with your cheating lying man and she can find a real man who loves her. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 You ladies are funny! I've missed so much!! Lyssa WB! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts