Do men really want to be monogamous?

[shadowofman]

Since many people here seem to agree that most men have different needs due to hormones - are these men raging a battle within themselves to remain in their marriage? Do they stay just because society tells them it's the right thing to do? Do they stay just because of the kids? Do they stay just because their wife is "good enough" or better than most?

 

I stay firstly because of love. Secondly, because my life is tied to her, and I like my life with her. I make no bones about expressing my distaste for monogamy directly to may wife, but I am not willing to trade love and a fulfilled home life for sexual gratification.

 

The fact that he has a gorgeous wife, great kids, amazing job ... none of this makes him feel special?

But paying for strippers (who couldn't give a crap about him, they only want the $$$) to pay attention to him, that does it for him? Makes him feel "powerful"? His bucks are his power there, NOT his personality or looks or job, and they could belong to any old leprous scumbag and they'd still give him the same "king" treatment.

WHAT a loser! He has got his priorities seriously f*cked up if your theory is correct. Although I think it has more to do with being in control, rather than feeling special or powerful.

He deserves a wake-up call.

 

Seriously, I think the number one reason he does this is to satisfy a promiscuous tendency. How strip clubs make him feel, we can only speculate. For all we know, they could make him feel horrible inside.

[Bobby NoBrains]

 

What I was really wondering about are the guys who choose not to cheat and to remain in their marriage. I'm talking about the guys that don't have anything to complain about sexually with their wife, yet still need porn, strip clubs, etc. Although these guys remain physically faithful, are they dying for some kind of relief from the sameness of their spouse?

 

Since many people here seem to agree that most men have different needs due to hormones - are these men raging a battle within themselves to remain in their marriage? Do they stay just because society tells them it's the right thing to do? Do they stay just because of the kids? Do they stay just because their wife is "good enough" or better than most?

 

I know everyone is different. I'm just curious what the majority of men in this situation would say if they were being totally honest.

 

I stayed in my marriage because I had hopes of a good marriage with a loving and kind spouse, because of the attraction I felt for her and the satisfaction that I got from my marriage. We are going through a difficult phase right now (still currently separated, but trying to see if we can reconcile), but I feel that the straying would happen only because I failed to get something that I needed from her even after having communicated the need to her, and that over a long period of time. That is to say, being specifically rejected even after having asked for something out of the marriage that was natural and necessary. That would give me a feeling that I was not cared about and it would make me stray, I think. We have had serious issues with emotional intimacy (I've felt she has never really cared about me, or at least she has never expressed herself in ways I could appreciate) and I know I've wanted to look for that elsewhere, as in 'I wish I would have found someone who cared about me' (substitute 'I can find' for 'I would have found' appropriately) It's not a happy place to be, but you did ask for honesty in the reply.

 

I stay firstly because of love. Secondly, because my life is tied to her, and I like my life with her. I make no bones about expressing my distaste for monogamy directly to may wife, but I am not willing to trade love and a fulfilled home life for sexual gratification.

 

Very nicely put, especially since you are so clear on your views of monogamy

 

Seriously, I think the number one reason he does this is to satisfy a promiscuous tendency. How strip clubs make him feel, we can only speculate. For all we know, they could make him feel horrible inside.

 

Bahahaha, I really can't believe it would make him feel horrible and he would still go for it again and again. It prolly just gives him the feeling of being in control of women in ways which he is not able to express his need to do so at home. Prolly isn't able to ask his wife to be a 'ho' even tho he wants to explore that side of his fantasies with her.

 

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[shadowofman]

Bahahaha, I really can't believe it would make him feel horrible and he would still go for it again and again. It prolly just gives him the feeling of being in control of women in ways which he is not able to express his need to do so at home. Prolly isn't able to ask his wife to be a 'ho' even tho he wants to explore that side of his fantasies with her.

 

Well, my point was that it is all speculation. We don't know what he is thinking other than, "I love looking at tons of tits!"

 

I don't know about anyone else, but I have never felt like I was in control of any strippers. It might have nothing to do with ego, or him feeling loved. Most patrons of clubs are far more shallow than that.

[Bobby NoBrains]

Sadly most of the tits are fake, too, heh. What I could feel was that I've made her strip in my face, though nothing more than that. So that's perhaps the control aspect I was talking about. Even that was when I was younger, now strip clubs don't do anything for me. You're prolly right that it's just about looking at more tits than he has access to. Or maybe he's just not grown up enough along with everyone else.

 

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[shadowofman]

There are two things keeping me from frequenting strip clubs just like this guy.

 

1. My wife doesn't want me to (Not that I do everything she tells me!). I protest this possessiveness openly, and mostly concerning social events where there are other girlFRIENDS. But she knows every move I make at all times, and it's SO not worth the effort to lie about where I was.

 

2. It's also not worth the money. I'm poor and cheap. And I can't touch the girls. Not worth it.

 

Other than that, I want to see every pair of boobs on every attractive woman I see. When I drive past hotels at night, I scan the windows to the rooms because ONE time I saws some boobs.

 

Actually, pay attention on the interstate. As you pass cars in the lanes beside you, look at the occupants. If it is a man, he is 99% more likely to look back at you. Women seem to just keep eyes forward. I don't know for sure why this is, but I look inside every car that passes because I am looking for hot women. It's just an instinct, completely uncontrollable.

[angie2443]

There are two things keeping me from frequenting strip clubs just like this guy.

 

1. My wife doesn't want me to (Not that I do everything she tells me!). I protest this possessiveness openly, and mostly concerning social events where there are other girlFRIENDS. But she knows every move I make at all times, and it's SO not worth the effort to lie about where I was.

 

2. It's also not worth the money. I'm poor and cheap. And I can't touch the girls. Not worth it.

 

Other than that, I want to see every pair of boobs on every attractive woman I see. When I drive past hotels at night, I scan the windows to the rooms because ONE time I saws some boobs.

 

Actually, pay attention on the interstate. As you pass cars in the lanes beside you, look at the occupants. If it is a man, he is 99% more likely to look back at you. Women seem to just keep eyes forward. I don't know for sure why this is, but I look inside every car that passes because I am looking for hot women. It's just an instinct, completely uncontrollable.

 

Shadowofman, get a divorce!!! You are not the type that should be married. You will end up breaking your wife's heart. You are taking years from her that she could be using to develop a relationship with another man who is more suited for monogomy. I hope you don't have children.

 

After you get a divorce, read the book "Ethical Slut". It's an interesting read and fits you perfectly. I think if you become an "ethical slut", you will be much happier person and your wife will be free to persue her own happiness.

[Bobby NoBrains]

Lol, he's only looking ! Don't beat him up over it, just cause he's honest. I've done that, too, and I suppose many men have, if not all. It's a hard-wiring thing to just look. At women's chests, at cars as you move past, at hotel windows (and homes) if you're driving slow enough, even if you're not looking for tits Bahahahahahahahahaha

 

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[angie2443]

Lol, he's only looking ! Don't beat him up over it, just cause he's honest. I've done that, too, and I suppose many men have, if not all. It's a hard-wiring thing to just look. At women's chests, at cars as you move past, at hotel windows (and homes) if you're driving slow enough, even if you're not looking for tits Bahahahahahahahahaha

 

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

 

I take it you haven't read all his other post. He is constantly talking about "premiscouis(sp?) oriantation" and how he wants to have a threesome with another man. His wife apparently doesn't want this. They are incompatable and someone will get hurt. Why shouldn't he just get divorced and live in a way that suits his personality?

[Kasan]

I take it you haven't read all his other post. He is constantly talking about "premiscouis(sp?) oriantation" and how he wants to have a threesome with another man. His wife apparently doesn't want this. They are incompatable and someone will get hurt. Why shouldn't he just get divorced and live in a way that suits his personality?

 

Who are we to judge? I appreciate the fact that all the men who have responded to this thread have been very honest.

 

I have found this thread to be very insightful, and now I know what my husband is doing when he looks over at another car on the interstate!

[JerseyShortie]

Most people look out for their needs first and don't want to act in anyway that requires control, this goes for both men and women in general. If a man enjoys variety, don't get into a monogomous relationship. But to get into one, and then tell your girlfriend/wife how your just a "man" and you have "needs" that require you not to be completely faithful is extremely hurtful and boardline mean. We all have "needs", men and women. Men don't like seeing women lacking in control emotionally and women don't like seeing men acting in a lack of control physically. Both need to work on themselves. The world is not all about *you*, despite what most people wish to believe.

 

As for monogomy being unnatural, that is not completely true. There are reasons both for monogomy and reasons for variety. Family units are stronger when the parents are able to form a strong bond between one another that does not involve other adults. That is why we are created to bond. People seem to forget that while we are created to want sex, we are also created to want to bond and love another human being romantically. The problem is most people want it both ways and don't want to put in the work and effort for somethign special. God forbid we actually have to "work" at something in this day and age when we are all quick to fall pray to instant gratifcation.

[angie2443]

Who are we to judge? I appreciate the fact that all the men who have responded to this thread have been very honest.

 

I have found this thread to be very insightful, and now I know what my husband is doing when he looks over at another car on the interstate!

 

Have you read all of his post and threads? I think in his case, he can't be with just one person sexually. I think it is making him misserable and he's resenting his wife for it. I think if you read all that he says, you'll see this.

 

And by the way, I am not saying wanting more than one person is wrong. I'm saying that the people who want this so bad that they become like Shadowofman(always going on about "promiscouis oriantation" and how they want a threesome, but their partner doesn't) should quit complaining, get divorced, and find someone who wants to share this life style with them.

[Kasan]

Have you read all of his post and threads? I think in his case, he can't be with just one person sexually. I think it is making him misserable and he's resenting his wife for it. I think if you read all that he says, you'll see this.

 

And by the way, I am not saying wanting more than one person is wrong. I'm saying that the people who want this so bad that they become like Shadowofman(always going on about "promiscouis oriantation" and how they want a threesome, but their partner doesn't) should quit complaining, get divorced, and find someone who wants to share this life style with them.

 

Of course I have read all of his threads as he is very open and honest about his sexuality.

 

He contributes greatly to this forum as do all of the male posters and I really appreciate their viewpoints.

 

I have been married a long time but there are things that have come out on this forum that I never knew about men and how they think!

 

Should he stay married or not--is that for us to say? Don't we all struggle with some aspects of our marriages and relationships?

 

I'm really sorry that I started this as I am sure he is more than capable of answering you himself.

[shadowofman]

Firstly, I am not married. I have a "wife", because I am in a very committed LTR, and religious/legal ceremonies mean nothing to us. I WANT so spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't think that is going to be possible for BOTH of our sexual happiness. Just a sad fact. You tell me to let her go angie and I would, accept that neither of us wants to let go. We are very much in love. I will check out that book though.

 

I take it you haven't read all his other post. He is constantly talking about "premiscouis(sp?) oriantation" and how he wants to have a threesome with another man.

 

I'm very cool with another woman too! I rail about promiscuousness on LS because this is what I believe to be the fundamental issue in most sexual problems that most couples are experiencing. With a background in paleoanthropology and after doing much researching into the methods of sexologist Magnus Hirshfeld, these are my hypothesis'. Promiscuity also happens to be my problem with my relationship. Rather than doing the true monkey thing and cheat, I prefer to analyze, question, and discuss my personal behavior.

 

Most people look out for their needs first and don't want to act in anyway that requires control, this goes for both men and women in general. If a man enjoys variety, don't get into a monogomous relationship. But to get into one, and then tell your girlfriend/wife how your just a "man" and you have "needs" that require you not to be completely faithful is extremely hurtful and boardline mean.

 

This is very good advice Jersey. And rest assured that I will never get involved in monogamy again. The are many reason why a promiscuous man enters into monogamy. I can't speak for anyone but myself.

 

First, all of my past relationships involved promiscuity. I actually assumed that all humans were naturally promiscuous, and cultural/religious upbringings were all that stood in the way. So when I met my "wife", a stronger atheist than me, I thought she would easily unlearn monogamy.

Secondly, I fell so hard in love with her that for a time, I actually thought I DIDN'T want to be promiscuous. For the first year or two, I had no desire to encourage or initiate promiscuity. If she had expressed any interest, I would have been completely game, but promiscuity was less of a focus for me in the very beginning.

 

As for monogomy being unnatural, that is not completely true.

There are many species on this planet that are naturally monogamous. However new research shows that cuckoldry has a very high rate in all of these species. Especially monogamous humans.

 

Family units are stronger when the parents are able to form a strong bond between one another that does not involve other adults.

Not really. Globally family units have consisted of every possible arrangement. One man/one woman, one man/multiple women, even one woman/multiple men. There is no evidence that any one structure is stronger than another.

 

That is why we are created to bond. People seem to forget that while we are created to want sex, we are also created to want to bond and love another human being romantically.

This does not exclude promiscuity. Yes, humans naturally create bonds. Yes, that is a very important part of relationships. The issue with bonding is it tendency to create possessiveness (though not necessarily). The majority of cultures past and many presently are male dominated. In these environments, men possess women and usually multiple women. In a gender equal culture, possession is what makes monogamy seem ideal. Each possessing the other. Some people embrace possession and monogamy. Others are so promiscuous, that possession is stifled. The fastest growing fetish in the West today is the "hotwife". These are men that are basically pressuring their women to have sex with other men (studs or bulls) so that they can watch, and therefore live vicariously a promiscuous life.

 

The problem is most people want it both ways and don't want to put in the work and effort for somethign special. God forbid we actually have to "work" at something in this day and age when we are all quick to fall pray to instant gratifcation.

No, no. There are just different people with different kinks. Only a monogamous person thinks that monogamy is "something" special. Love IS always special. And to the promiscuous person, promiscuity is special. A wife that surprises her husband with a lesbian sex show for Valentine's Day is special, if the man is promiscuous (and not possessive).

[child_of_isis]

If men are so controlled by their instincts then they can't be anything but part of the animal kingdom.

 

Humans have free will. The ability to make choices. You sound like you have no choice in the matter. You almost sound proud of the fact.

 

You are such a manly man that you cannot even control your head & eye movements...?

 

I don't know if I am buying this. I think men have been socialized to believe this & you have bought it hook, line & sinker.

 

This is so sad.

 

You are a human being, not an animal. Why have you allowed yourself to be convinced of anything different?

 

 

 

Actually, pay attention on the interstate. As you pass cars in the lanes beside you, look at the occupants. If it is a man, he is 99% more likely to look back at you. Women seem to just keep eyes forward. I don't know for sure why this is, but I look inside every car that passes because I am looking for hot women. It's just an instinct, completely uncontrollable.

[angie2443]

I understand that you love your partner, but I just don't see how this can work out. It is obviously a big issue with you and most likely her to. I think in this case, you both hooked up with someone who you will not be compatable with over the long run.

 

I think you need someone who is more promiscuous and she needs someone who is more monogomous. I think if you continue this relationship, you'll either cheat or become bitter for having to supress such a strong tendancy in you. I think you'll eventually become distant because of this and fall out of love completely. Why not end this when you both still love and respect each other and find partners who you can be yourselves completely with?

 

By the way, I know it's fun to look at attractive people, just please be careful while driving on the interstate:).

[Quiet Requiem]

This is a ridiculous question.

 

The answer is obviously yes.

 

If a certain woman welcomes a man with bizarre sexual fantasies, or a "hyper" sexual into their lives, maybe she needs to realize that they might have a mental disorder accepting these abusive behaviors.

 

We all know these type of men exist, so playing the victim and continually choosing to play house with these types of men is not going to solve anything. You should get self therapy to improve your mentality that is making you put up with this kind of abuse.

 

Then maybe when you meet a decent man with good morals and values, you will know how appreciate these qualities instead of being turned off by them.

[annieo]

This is a ridiculous question.

 

The answer is obviously yes.

 

If a certain woman welcomes a man with bizarre sexual fantasies, or a "hyper" sexual into their lives, maybe she needs to realize that they might have a mental disorder accepting these abusive behaviors.

 

We all know these type of men exist, so playing the victim and continually choosing to play house with these types of men is not going to solve anything. You should get self therapy to improve your mentality that is making you put up with this kind of abuse.

 

Then maybe when you meet a decent man with good morals and values, you will know how appreciate these qualities instead of being turned off by them.

 

Most people don't show themselves completely and early on in a relationship. So you might think you are with one kind of person and find out later that you are with someone rather different, long after the wedding.

So PLEASE don't blame all women for making bad choices and then whining. I'm sure there are some who are caught up in bad patterns of choice-making, but some women get blindsided way later, after there is a house, kids, etc. and then are stuck with a really crappy decision/dilemma.

[shadowofman]

If men are so controlled by their instincts then they can't be anything but part of the animal kingdom.

Humans have free will. The ability to make choices. You sound like you have no choice in the matter. You almost sound proud of the fact.

 

Let me raise your awareness a bit, Isis. I can no sooner control my promiscuousness then a homosexual could control her sexual orientation. Or a straight person could control her desire for the opposite sex. I CAN choose not to betray my partner, but the WANT to have sex with others is beyond my control. These inclinations that we cannot control are called sexual orientations. To attempt to control it, in my opinion, can be damaging to your other sexual orientations or your libido in general.

 

You are such a manly man that you cannot even control your head & eye movements...?

 

This has nothing to do with me being manly. I am the least manly man you will ever meet. Quite effeminate actually! And no I can not control my eye and head movements. It would take way to much concentration to not look.

"Don't look! Don't look!"

It's just a natural tendency.

 

I don't know if I am buying this. I think men have been socialized to believe this & you have bought it hook, line & sinker.

 

Funny, I think women are socialized to me monogamous. Who knows. All I know, is that two women are better than one.

 

You are a human being, not an animal. Why have you allowed yourself to be convinced of anything different?

 

I know I have free will. And in my opinion, I am also very intelligent and have a high moral standard. But I am an animal as well. I masturbate. Boobs excite me. As do big penises.

[shadowofman]

Why not end this when you both still love and respect each other and find partners who you can be yourselves completely with?

 

I honestly think this is the best idea. But it's sooooooo hard to do. I actually attempted it once and she accused me of not loving her (which really hurt). I have considered. I have recently wondered if the best plan would be to lie and tell her I cheated so she left me. But that doesn't sound good.

 

And what about our next relationships? Will I still love her when I am looking for a more sexually compatible partner?

[michelangelo]

Most people don't show themselves completely and early on in a relationship. So you might think you are with one kind of person and find out later that you are with someone rather different, long after the wedding.

So PLEASE don't blame all women for making bad choices and then whining. I'm sure there are some who are caught up in bad patterns of choice-making, but some women get blindsided way later, after there is a house, kids, etc. and then are stuck with a really crappy decision/dilemma.

 

Hey, that situation you describe is universal. Men find out after the marriage has been in place that the woman they married is not what she presented too.

 

Children, finances, a house are a dynamic to deal with for men as well when it becomes clear a mistake has been made.

[annieo]

Hey, that situation you describe is universal. Men find out after the marriage has been in place that the woman they married is not what she presented too.

 

Children, finances, a house are a dynamic to deal with for men as well when it becomes clear a mistake has been made.

 

I was responding to dark requiem's post, which suggested that if women made better choices in a mate, they wouldn't have all these problems.

And I agree with you that it can go both ways.