Wife doesn't understand my friendship

[Lishy]

What if your house got blown away by a tornado? What if what if what if ... Live for today Wogs, I know you are scared and I am not demeaning you for being afraid due to your previous experiences. I am just saying that some things are out of our control. My mum always says 'only worry about things you can do something about' and it's true!

 

I will say one thing, carry on acting so Alpha Male and you are raising the chances of it happening!

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Yeah she loves me now but what if she turns at the drop of hat one day and I am left wondering WTF just happened. Women do tend to do that.

 

maybe i'm coming along late in the game, but can i ask why you got married if you feel this way?

 

do you really not think that if you have a pre-existing condition to not trusting women, even you wife, that your friend won't have any influence on you?

 

i think your wife should be the one who's worried about being left. and you seem to be doing everything in your power to make sure that happens, so if she just up and leaves one day, you really shouldn't be surprised by it. i'm not saying she will, but it won't be just because she changed her mind suddenly, it will be because you gave her enough reasons to feel like there was no point in staying.

[a4a]

Yeah she loves me now but what if she turns at the drop of hat one day and I am left wondering WTF just happened. Women do tend to do that.

 

You need to learn to trust. You are not trusting your own decisions.

 

If you failed...... so what. You will go on.

 

I hope you are still in therapy for this.

 

My goodness you couldn't see how much you were hurting her with allowing a friend to meddle in your M but you throw her to the wolves with just the notion that she might be like all the others.

 

You need to man the hell up and get over it. If she cheats she cheats, if she leaves she leaves..... you will go on.

 

For cripes sake you are not living when you only live to hope your worst fears don't come true.

 

She could get hit by a bus today..... you could....... but do you ponder that minute by minute too?

 

This trust issue is yours to solve..... not hers to prove herself "trustworthy" to you.

 

 

Almost like a OCD issue with you isn't it?

 

(note that there is no anger or disrespect in my text)

[Woggle]

I got married because I do love her and I hope that she is one of the exceptions but I fear her turning on me. I am at a point where I finally have some peace and calm in my life and I don't want anything to mess that up. It's one of the reasons I am afraid to have kids with her.

[a4a]

I got married because I do love her and I hope that she is one of the exceptions but I fear her turning on me. I am at a point where I finally have some peace and calm in my life and I don't want anything to mess that up. It's one of the reasons I am afraid to have kids with her.

 

What I find even more interesting is that she isn't even aware of how deep your issues are...... kinda the pot calling the kettle black.

 

Perhaps you need some MC to work this out.

 

Or stop the lies and tell her you don't trust her.

[Woggle]

I don't think they are issues. If you look at trends they are very much a legitimate fear.

[sb129]

Woggle I read the whole thread, and agreed with everyone else, but I won't echo that just now, as you seem to have turned a corner.

 

Yeah she loves me now but what if she turns at the drop of hat one day and I am left wondering WTF just happened. Women do tend to do that.

 

This time last year you were worrying about exactly the same thing, and shes still with you.

 

I got married because I do love her and I hope that she is one of the exceptions but I fear her turning on me. I am at a point where I finally have some peace and calm in my life and I don't want anything to mess that up. It's one of the reasons I am afraid to have kids with her.

 

If you constantly fear her "turning" on you, then one day she WILL get sick of you expecting it, and she will leave.

If you constantly project negative vibes, she will eventually fulfil your expectations, because living under your partners dark cloud gets to you eventually. Trust me on this one.

 

EVERYONE is at risk of their peace and calm being disrupted, and it can be disrupted by a multitude of things that are out of your control.

 

If you spend your whole life worrying that one of these things will happen to you, you are ruining your "peaceful" time with negative thoughts.

 

Life is too short- be grateful that you have a wonderful wife who has the patience of a SAINT and who obviously loves you.

 

Give all this woman-hating sh** a rest, and ENJOY your life.

 

And STAY AWAY FROM THE DIVORCE FORUMS. If only I had five bucks for every time someone on this forum has told you that.....

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I am at a point where I finally have some peace and calm in my life and I don't want anything to mess that up.

 

anything except a friend who does nothing but try to convince you and reaffirm your fears that all women are shyt and will hurt you.

 

you're afraid of having a crappy marriage and being left, and you do nothing to safeguard it. in fact, you do the exact opposite. what do you expect will happen? she will leave on her own or you will push her to leave. and you will get to be happy, because you were 'right'.

 

good luck. i hope you find a healthier way to live your life.

[sally4sara]

I don't think they are issues. If you look at trends they are very much a legitimate fear.

 

maybe the trend's increase is somewhat cause and effect? People see it and begin doubting they're own situation. Then people see them end and the same thing. Plus the people who couldn't make it work are added to the pool of the people to afraid to make it work till almost everyone in in that pool. Quit helping that happen.

[a4a]

I don't think they are issues. If you look at trends they are very much a legitimate fear.

 

Then why the hell did you get married?

 

And she will end up leaving you because deep down you just know it will happen....... so you will end up being the cause of it.

 

Talk to a therapist. MC...... or yes you are doomed to listen to sad songs, be pissed at your W, and always continue in such a miserable manner.

[a4a]

maybe the trend's increase is somewhat cause and effect? People see it and begin doubting they're own situation. Then people see them end and the same thing. Plus the people who couldn't make it work are added to the pool of the people to afraid to make it work till almost everyone in in that pool. Quit helping that happen.

 

 

Word!

Cancer is a legit thing too that doesn't make me freak out on a daily basis that I am next in line to get it..... if I do I will have to deal with it. End of story.

[whichwayisup]

It is not just him. I get scared for my marriage just looking at some of the threads on the divorce forum here. The problem is that I really do love her and if she does turn on me I might just be that guy listening to sad songs all depressed and I am utterly terrified of that happening.

 

You need to not compare you and your wife's marriage to anyone else's, on or offline. How you handle things and how your wife handles things is what counts. Because of your past you have ALOT of fears and worry's, completely understandable too, the thing is, you DO have the power to not let those fears take over and ruin what you have in your life in the present.

 

It is the fear of finding a woman that I genuinely love feel is trustworthy and her turning out to be like every other woman in my life that has betrayed me. For the forst time in my life I feel like I have a woman that I can truly trust and sometimes I find myself looking for guy saying Smile you are on candid camera. After all the other experiences I have had with women and all that I observe from women this doesn't seem real to me.

 

Then you need to go continue with therapy and talk this out, figure out a healthy way of handling this, your fears, thoughts and concerns - Put them in a box in the closet. Your wife isn't ALL other women, she is the ONE person who you married and love, built your life with. Trust that, and have faith.

Yeah she loves me now but what if she turns at the drop of hat one day and I am left wondering WTF just happened. Women do tend to do that.

 

So do men. I mean what if one day YOU wake up and realize that you don't love your wife as much as you thought you did. IT happens sometimes! But, you KNOW your wife, she loves you and hasn't given any indication that she is going to up and leave you. You two seem to have a good thing going, so just enjoy your marriage, enjoy life. Noone can control tomorrow, next week or next year! I mean, one of you could get sick, could get cancer, could get hit by a car...Godforbid that happens, you deal with it IF and WHEN it happens, no point in worrying about it now as it ruins your life NOW. I hope this makes sense to you Woggle.

 

I got married because I do love her and I hope that she is one of the exceptions but I fear her turning on me. I am at a point where I finally have some peace and calm in my life and I don't want anything to mess that up. It's one of the reasons I am afraid to have kids with her.

 

You need to talk to her about this. I mean, maybe she has some fears of her own, that you are going to bail on her! Remember, you bailed out on her before you got married. Maybe SHE has fears that you are going to run away from her, throw in the towel...Did you ever think of that?

 

Talk to her, continue with your counselling and live in the moment! ENJOY your marriage, your wife and don't let the bad stuff in life affect you. Close the door, shut out the world and be grateful that you wake up everyday to your wife.

[Sal Paradise]

You need to get control of this fear you have. Look at the situation with the neighbor for instance...

 

Your wife said she felt threatened. She pointed out he was bad news. But because of fear of your wife leaving you and because of your attitude toward women you were blind to what she saw and everyone else saw. That the guy was bad news.

 

You ignored it because the guy reassured your negative views of women. Instead of getting comfort from your wife you got it from being around another man who feels women are out to get him.

 

You were so worried about internal forces within the marriage destroying it you were completely blind to the external threat (the jaded neighbor).

 

There are no guarantees in life. You need to learn to accept that. There are no guarantees that your wife won't leave you. Just as there are no guarantees that she won't wake up tomorrow to find you dead from a heart attack. You're both taking a risk, that's what love is. If there were gurantees, if there were no risk, if it were easy, there would be nothing special about the sacrifice that each person gives to be with the other.

 

Don't let your fear of what might happen become your reality. As I said, look to this situation with the neighbor. What if you didn't wake up and realize he was a threat, if you had continued this friendship as it was. Eventually your wife would have left you. And instead of blaming yourself for allowing your fear of abandonment and issues with women to blind you from what she saw as blatant disrespect, you would have blamed her. You would have used this to reassure your belief that women are out to get men and can't be trusted. Much like the parents of Oedipus you would have put in motion a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

It sounds like you have a great wife. Do you want to let your insecurities be the cause of her leaving at some point? You worry about how you will feel when she abandons you. You should be more worried about how you will feel when if that happens you realize that your insecurities and fear is what drove her away. Broken hearts will heal, regret and guilt is something that can stay with you for the rest of your life.

[Woggle]

Logically I know that what people are saying here is right but sometimes I can't help but worrying about how our marriage will turn out. It turns out she is right about my neighbor and this is the only friend she has taken an issue with so maybe I need to trust her more.

[Lishy]

Wogs Sal just gave you great insight to how it really s in the head of Woggle!

 

Listen to it!

 

Be the husband your lovely wife deserves, not some mysogonist (spell check) arse wipe who ruins every good thing that comes his way

 

xx

[Woggle]

I will try to be that husband but I hope she will appreciate it instead of throwing it back in my face one day. She is not that type of woman though.

[whichwayisup]

I like how you are opening up about your fears, and then rationalizing them, making them diminish by talking about it and then you realizing that it IS just your fears speaking and you know your wife is special and isn't going to leave you.

 

Therapy is paying off as you aren't letting the bad stuff affect you as much as before, AND, you seem to take control back quickly...That's a good thing Woggle.

[pickylady]

Your friend is not thinking of your best interests at ALL.

What does he think? You should be alone forever because he doesn't trust women? That is selfish and only meant in an effort to have more time to keep his LONELY ass company.

[LankyGuy]

I think you are setting yourself up for a self fulfilling prophecy. Keep telling yourself that your marriage will end and it will.

 

Your friend is disrespecting you, your marriage and your wife. He's not really a friend if you love your wife and your marriage.

 

What happens if he influences you to a point where you end up divorcing your wife preemptively? Before you know it, he'll be getting married again and where will you be? He'll then tell you that women are great and you should get one, but since he's married he can no longer go out into the meat market with you.

[Lishy]

Woggle if she left after you were the best husband you could be then you could honestly know in your heart that you did nothing wrong!

 

You are doing so well and the difference in your attitude towards this is amazing! Truly amazing! Well done you!

[Woggle]

Last night he actually apologized to me and told me that he is just angry about his situation but he is wrong to try to impose that on my marriage. Maybe checking him about it the other night put some sense in his head.

[Lishy]

Well well well ... That is good BUT be cautious and keep your eyes and ears open - Plus LISTEN to your wife when she tells you she is not happy with something!

[Woggle]

In the future I will listen if she is not happy with something especially since she almost never nags me about anything. I just have an issue with control especially coming from a woman because of past experiences. I don't deal with authority in general actually. I hate being told what to do and at first it sounded like I was being nagged about my friends and told what to do like so many are. I know men who really are nagged about everything under the sun and sometimes I make the mistake of measuring my marriage up against those situations,

[whichwayisup]

hate being told what to do and at first it sounded like I was being nagged about my friends and told what to do like so many are

 

Yet afew days ago it was okay for your friend to nag you about women in general and nag you to leave your wife....Then, when your wife pointed out to that your friend was maybe not a good influence on you, and was disrespecting your marriage, you thought she was nagging? She has your best interest at heart as your wife - Your friend? Well, not so much.

 

You must stop comparing what your wife does or says to what others do and say. You and your wife's life together is different than anyone else's, so don't do the comparision thing anymore.

[serial muse]

I'm glad he apologized to you.

 

I think the thing to keep in mind is that it's possible to be nagged by friends as much as by a SO. In this case, your wife has a much better track record of not interfering in your life than your friend. That alone indicates that she has earned your trust, while he has not. Honestly, the evidence is right before you: gender is not indicative of nagging. He's nagging; she isn't. He's interfering; she isn't. I do hope you'll bear that in mind...

 

Anyway, it's nice that he backed off so that you can remain friends. But still, I'd be wary of him. If he falls off the wagon again, he may once again make negative insinuations and try to break your relationship apart. After all, you yourself have had a rocky time of it, and have intermittently posted vengeful things here when you're going through a relapse.