SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Most women here would be there for a friend who was recently betrayed and was bitter towards men as a result. They would also resent their husband trying to come in between it as well. Yes I would but not if she was trying to undermind or destroy my M in the process. Also if she was doing that I would take my partners conserns and feelings into consideration rather then resent it in a situation like this one:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 He is not talking about her personally. He is simply saying that women are unstable and untrustworthy in general and that eventually my wife will turn on me. I don't agree with him but I could be married to anybody and he would feel the same way. It is not anything against my wife. My wife has overheard some things and she is not stupid. She knows that he thinks I would be better off single. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 It is not anything against my wife. It is in the context that you are married to a woman that he doesn't care for and he is trying to sway you into being single so he isn't miserable.. Misery Loves company.. he is just trying to get you on his side so you are as miserable as he is.. Wake up woogle.. dump this friend and show your wife that you respect her feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 Yes he is trying to sway into a single life but I could be married to Beyonce or Jessica Alba and his feelings would still be the same. It is not a personal attack on my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 And Woggle, put any spouse - man or woman - in her place and that spouse would feel the same as she does. Her primary fear isn't that it she is suffering some personal insult, it's a fear of his effect and potential influence on you. And yet, you accept, excuse, and even defend the same treatment towards you from your friend? He's nagging you about your wife and he's trying to tell you what to do and who you shouldn't be married to. And you defend it, claiming his heart is in the right place, and that he just doesn't want to see you get hurt. Man friend: good guy. Wife and life partner: nagger. Do I really need to do this? Now let's check in with Woggle on the very next day: This was a little crisis you went through, less than 3 months ago. I know you managed to peel yourself off the ceiling, and you've sounded generally more grounded since then, but don't you think she might be just a little bit skittish, waiting for the next storm? And yes, I know you've hidden some amount of this from her, but you think she doesn't know? And whatever amount remains hidden is probably just a further source of uncertainty for her - "what else is he still not telling me?" Given your past crises, how could you possibly say any one thing to convince her she has nothing to worry about? She needs your actions, and time, and she needs to see that she is a priority in your life, and that you have the will and strength to protect yourself and your marriage, both day-to-day, and in the long run. Here's the thing I'm worried about, and if your wife knows of your history and feelings about marriage, no matter how much you've tried to hide them from her, she probably has at least an inkling of the same fear: Even if he is a disrespecting drag on your energy, you take it as a firm stance - almost a universal imperative - that abandoning your friend is not an option. Period. However, leaving your wife has always been an option, hasn't it? One that you insist upon reserving for yourself, one that you jump back to whenever things get tense or when "your mindset reverts backwards" as TBF put it. You think she doesn't get this? Because you do still have unhealed wounds from being betrayed - you have suffered, and still bear some of the scars from that very nasty drug, Woggle - which makes the drug addiction analogy a very different one. Jeez, Woggle, if you had done crack and were clean but still struggling to stay that way, I sure as heck wouldn't want you hanging out with an addict friend who was in trouble and was trying to convince you to use again. Wouldn't that be just crazy? I'd suggest you get him help as a friend, yes, but decide where your priorities lie, and keep your distance for your own safety. There's your drug addiction analogy. Maybe he is a man in need, maybe he is the devil whispering in your ear. How come he gets a pass for not wanting to see you get hurt (while encouraging you to do something you don't want to do) and she is a "nag" for the same thing (while fighting a proven threat, to maintain what could be a healthy marriage; see the Oct, 2007 comments above.) Why does he merit your loyalty and she doesn't? If the situation were reversed, if your wife had been badly hurt before you knew her, was still suffering the effects from it, and was "being a friend" to a woman going through a similarly rough time who was feeding her "feminist" drivel about how she should be leaving you now, how she could get out clean and live the good bachelorette life, what the heck would you think? Would you think there was nothing to worry about? Would you accept that your wife would absolutely not distance herself from another woman in need, no matter what the threat to your marriage or your feelings about it? Would you not feel any uncertainty, discomfort, or threat? Would you not feel you were second priority? Really? Absolutely an excellent post by Trimmer!!! Two thumbs up! Woggle, if this person were really your true friend he would respect your marriage, despite what he's going through. My husband has been through this before in our marriage and he stood his ground and his friend backed down. The guy totally respects our relationship now. He needs to stop or he needs to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 It is not a personal attack on my wife. Correct.. not a personal attack.. but still an attack on your marriage ( which is an attack on your wife ) and your intelligence and something like this will affect your marriage and your wife knows this.. If this friend gets his way and splits you both up is he going to be your life partner and spend the rest of his life with you ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 I think he gets the idea that we will go around picking up women by the beach and boardwalk and then hang out together and compare our adventures. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 He is not talking about her personally. He is simply saying that women are unstable and untrustworthy in general and that eventually my wife will turn on me. I don't agree with him but I could be married to anybody and he would feel the same way. It is not anything against my wife. My wife has overheard some things and she is not stupid. She knows that he thinks I would be better off single. So you let him into a home that is a shared territory and allow him to attack her character? How is this suppose to show her you respect her? And yes, if he is including her in the lot of All Wretched Women, he is talking about her personally. He isn't taking your happiness into consideration. He wants you to have as much unhappiness as he does. At the very least, you could've told him to watch his mouth and defended your wife's character. She probably would feel so slighted if you found attacks on her character offensive. Because you don't, it tells her that deep down you agree with him enough to not take offense. All of my friends know that trash talk about my partner will get you booted out the door or socked in the teeth. I love him and think very highly of him. Anyone who respects me will realize that no matter what they feel about men in general, I don't want to hear an unkind word about mine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I think he gets the idea that we will go around picking up women by the beach and boardwalk and then hang out together and compare our adventures. Then it is up to you to make sure that you are not going to do that and that you love your wife and consider his behavior to try and split you up as unfriendly behavior.. You control the outcome to this.. Link to post Share on other sites
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I think he gets the idea that we will go around picking up women by the beach and boardwalk and then hang out together and compare our adventures. Is this guy over 15? sorry but that just sounds like a high school kids mindset. So if your wife dose get sick of all this and leaves you is he going to stay single so he can hang out with you for ever? I some how dout it after hes gotten this out of his system and comes back to reality. Hes going to find some one and your going to be home alone with a broken marrage something to consider.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 I have no issue with him wanting to be a player but I don't want to be one. The Jersey Shore is a good place if you want some quick action because of all the people coming for a week. You can get laid and forget she even existed after she leaves. It is great for a single guy but not for me. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 woogle, how would you feel it the situationwas reversed. If you wife had a friend who is telling her all men are good for nothing and she should leave you. and against your wishes she continues to hang out with that girl friend? Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 You are worried about growing to resent her if she doesn't allow this guy to attack her and your marriage. What about her resentment growing if you show her you won't stand by her on this? What would growing resentment on either part cause? In an effort to try to prevent resentment on either part, you could compromise. Don't bring him around your wife and make her have to hear him disrespect her. Defend her when he does and let him know your time with him will grow more and more infrequent if he keeps it up. If he can't stop, then HE will be ending the friendship. Not her, and not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 I do defend her to him. I constantly tell him that she is one of the good ones and nothing like his STBX. Sometimes he agress with me but other times he has a hard time believing any woman is good. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I do defend her to him. You shouldn't have to defend her to him if he was really your friend he wuoldn't put you in a position where you feel that you have to defend her.. Dump Him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 In his mind he is actually trying to help me. Link to post Share on other sites
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I have no issue with him wanting to be a player but I don't want to be one. The Jersey Shore is a good place if you want some quick action because of all the people coming for a week. You can get laid and forget she even existed after she leaves. It is great for a single guy but not for me. This I can agree with I grew up about 15 mins from seaside and honestly I dident even know married people live there.. I thought once you got married you move to like TR or some were more settled. So dose the boardwalk still stink of cheep perfume BO and funnel cakes? lol.. Ever consider just moveing away from that area its a nice place to visit for the day but like you said its a bit of a meat market in the summer.... You could keep in touch support him on the phone and let him do his hooking up on his own time just a thought.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 My house is fully paid off and I am planning on starting a business on the boardwalk so no way I am moving right now. I am not one of those people that believe in moving to a boring and sterile place once you settle down. I lived in New York city high rises before this so I have to have noise around me. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Woggle, Just stay off the topic of women,cheating, affairs, marriage, trust etc.. He shouldn't be taking his bitterness out on the world and a priori condemning all marriages to the gallows. Instead of listening to his bitter comments about relationships, why not counter -argue his stauch beliefs and try to help him get over his bitterness and resentment over what happened to him? Better still, do this in the presence of your wife? And see him less often. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 In his mind he is actually trying to help me. that may be so, but in reality, he's showing great disrespect for YOU when he disses your wife and y'alls marriage. All because you refuse to establish boundaries with the man. my thought is that if you want to continue to be his supportive friend (and that's not necessarily a bad thing, because he does need you to get through this time), HE needs to understand that your marriage is off-limits to him, that he doesn't get a chance to bash what you and your wife have, even if he is "trying to help" you see the light about Evil Women. and you need to respect those boundaries as well by telling him that should he go there (start trying to sway you to singledom), you're out of there. Because while you feel for him, your marriage takes precedent. I honestly don't believe that your wife hates the guy, but the idea that he's feeding into your previous concerns, as well as the idea that you put that relationship above the one you have with her by not actively defending y'alls marriage. Any person would feel uncomfortable with that when it comes to their relationship. now is not the time to show divided loyalty: Stand up to this guy and tell him that while you feel for him, your marriage comes first, and that you expect him to respect your marriage even if he has problems with the idea of marriage in general. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 This man is not your "friend". Sorry to tell you this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I think he gets the idea that we will go around picking up women by the beach and boardwalk and then hang out together and compare our adventures. Hmmm... where is your instinct to protect your wife? You should want to punch him out if he talks crap about her... even if he tries not to make it sound personal. At some point you need to reach down and find your balls... then kick this guy hard upside the head. You do him no favors by validating his bullcrap idea of women. He wants to be a player? Tell me what kind of man takes his hurt out on innocent poeple? Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Hey woggle-answer this one please: -How would you feel if your wife was friends with the woman in that article you posted? -And that *type* of woman was telling your wife you were a dog to be used? -But your wife still wanted to be her friend, what would you really think of your wife then? Ahhh so it's different now, right? See, the issue is not about trust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Oh dear. This makes me so sad. Woggle, please. You know that if the situation were reversed, and your wife had a man-hating friend whispering in her ear about what trash men are and how you're eventually going to cheat on her and leave her and she should instead dump you and go hang out at the clubs and treat men the way they should be treated - you know that you'd despise her for even listening to such a person. And for considering that person a true, loyal friend. This guy isn't being a good friend to you. He's sowing strife in your marriage, and it's not an act of altruism, it's an act of selfishness. Sure, he's in pain, but he's putting his pain above his friendship for you. He knows you have a happy marriage, and by his own admission, your wife isn't someone who's going to hurt you the way his wife did to him. But he can't let you have that happiness, because it makes him feel worse. He'd rather you joined him in his misery. How is that being a good friend? You are giving him more loyalty than you are your wife, who has been true and good to you, and isn't trying to create unhappiness in your life or reinforce your own fears. He's doing that. She deserves better than to be put in second place. You don't need to dump this friend, but it doesn't sound to me like you're taking a firm line with him about this. You're letting him rant and it's hurting someone who doesn't deserve it. Think about it. In her place, you'd feel the exact same way - in fact, you'd feel angrier and even more betrayed. Don't be a hypocrite. Give her the same respect you want from her. Tell this guy to quit nagging you, once and for all. He's the one being the nag here, the one trying to control you. Can't you see that? Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I got the impression that being married to a misogynist was a good thing, because they would faithful to their wife forever while hating on all the other women. Now I see that they *cheat* on their wife with their male friends instead. Figuratively speaking, of course. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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