Wife doesn't understand my friendship

[Pyro]

I know its been said already but just to reiterate the point: what if it was her going to a friends house and her friend kept telling her that you would eventually cheat on her and leave her. How would that make you feel? Would you still want her to go visit that friend?

[Aloros]

Some "friend", huh? You chose your wife as your life partner, and as much as you want to be a friend to this guy, she takes priority.

 

I have to agree with Cobra. The minute anyone says anything even slightly disrespectful about my fiance, I'm up in arms. Even the thought of it makes me livid. I would defend him to the death against any attack, physical or verbal. Someone messes with him, they're messing with me as well. Likewise, my fiance will not broach any disrespect towards me or our relationship. Even a joking "b****!" gets a warning from him.

 

How is YOUR relationship even coming up in these conversations? I totally understand being there for a friend, and I know how vehement someone can be against the opposite sex after a breakup, but your marriage is a separate entity, and your friend shouldn't even be GOING THERE.

 

Instead of giving a lame "All women aren't so bad - I got one of the good ones", you need to be FIRM. The minute your friend makes one of these statements, or tries to convince you to leave your wife, you stand up and you tell him that you wish to be there for him as a friend, but you will not tolerate any disrespect toward your wife or your marriage. Leave, and tell him he can call you when he's ready to abide by these terms.

 

And if this still doesn't get the message across, or your wife is still uncomfortable, it's simple. You dump the friend. You talk about not wanting your wife to control you and that she should trust you, blah blah, but have you GIVEN her a reason to trust you? No. Given the number of breakdowns you've had over this, you've shown the opposite. It's like a man who's cheated in the past expecting his wife to be ok while he goes out and has a drink with an attractive colleague. You're putting yourself into a bad position, willingly. What sort of message do you think this sends to your wife about how much you love and respect her? You ought to be ashamed - you're choosing to defend your friend's actions and feelings over your wife's. You didn't marry HIM, you married HER.

 

With time, and a cessation of these breakdowns, you and your wife may be able to laugh over a situation such as this. Right now, it's a touchy subject. You need to respect this.

 

Have you even stopped to think "Hey. I love and respect my wife. She is an intelligent, beautiful woman, and if this is causing her anguish, she must have a reason behind it."? She's concerned, and you are disregarding this as if she can't have a reasonable basis for it.

[Trialbyfire]

I know its been said already but just to reiterate the point: what if it was her going to a friends house and her friend kept telling her that you would eventually cheat on her and leave her. How would that make you feel? Would you still want her to go visit that friend?

I wonder how woggle would feel if his wife's best friend was a feminist? Would he feel it's okay for her to hang out with this friend, every second day?

[Pyro]

I wonder how woggle would feel if his wife's best friend was a feminist? Would he feel it's okay for her to hang out with this friend, every second day?

 

I would guess that would be a "no".

[Mustang Sally]

Is this guy over 15? sorry but that just sounds like a high school kids mindset.

Uh...yeah.

There tends to be a lot of that on these threads.

 

Woggle.

(And I say this in an endearing way...)

 

You need to learn to think for yourself.

Put on your grown-up undershorts, and get to work deciding just WTF it is that YOU want and who can help YOU attain/achieve those goals.

 

I don't know what your answer will be, but it sure sounds like your wife is a wonderful woman and you would be a fool to sabotage this marriage just for the sake of some childish "friend" that is trying to bring you down to his level.

 

Good luck with that.

[JamesM]

Well, Woggle, you asked a question, and the overwhelming view here is...your wife has a legitimate gripe. And yes, I agree with her.

 

The question becomes....who is more important to you: your friend or your wife?

[whichwayisup]

My wife and I are having some issues right now. You have all heard about my friend who is trying to get me to divorce my wife. Well my wife knows of his intentions and she was sort of getting mad at me because I hang out with him nearly every other night. He lives across the street and my wife can't understand why I would be buddy buddy with a guy that is trying to destroy my marriage. I understand why she feels this way because many good relationships have been destroyed because of a woman's manhating friends but I know my friend is hurting and I take it with a grain of salt. Besides this he is a good guy and I enjoy hanging out with him. What can I do to make my wife understand that he is not endangering our marriage?

 

What are YOU getting out of the friendship? It seems to be all about your friend and him getting you to hate your wife, to divorce her. Real friends don't try to ruin their friends marriages, let alone do everything possible to taint them against their own spouse. Sorry, but that's just f*cked up and disrespectful.

 

All you can do is tell her that you have no intention of letting him get in the way of your marriage, and mean it too. You know this guy has planted seeds of doubt, made you feel insecure in your own marriage, made you question your own wife and the trust, love and faith she has in you. Just look at all your past posts...I do hope that you mean it when you say that you won't let him poison your marriage.

 

He is not talking about her personally. He is simply saying that women are unstable and untrustworthy in general and that eventually my wife will turn on me. I don't agree with him but I could be married to anybody and he would feel the same way. It is not anything against my wife.

 

My wife has overheard some things and she is not stupid. She knows that he thinks I would be better off single.

 

He needs to get to know your wife better, and maybe he'll lay off the demeaning comments about her and women in general around her. He is completely a downer and your wife is VERY worried that HE will influence you. Rightfully so...

 

Yes he is trying to sway into a single life but I could be married to Beyonce or Jessica Alba and his feelings would still be the same. It is not a personal attack on my wife.

 

IT IS a personal attack, not only on your wife,but to you and your marriage. I wish you could see that.

 

I think he gets the idea that we will go around picking up women by the beach and boardwalk and then hang out together and compare our adventures.

 

Well, he needs to get over that! YOU are not his going out and picking up women friend. You are his buddy, who is married and you shouldn't be hanging with him at all while he is scouting out women to be with. He is ignoring the fact that you love your wife and are married. Not something a true friend does.

 

My house is fully paid off and I am planning on starting a business on the boardwalk so no way I am moving right now. I am not one of those people that believe in moving to a boring and sterile place once you settle down. I lived in New York city high rises before this so I have to have noise around me.

 

Please, say "OUR" house. You may have bought that house, but it should be noted as "OUR" house because you two are married and creating a life together in that house...

 

One more thing. Your priority's and loyality is in the wrong place. You seem to be more loyal to your long time friend than you are to your wife. That isn't fair as she isn't asking you to END the friendship, but not to spend ALL your extra time with him as he isn't a good influence on you right now.

 

I know you may see your wife as trying to control you, tell you who to hang out with, but she is right because this guy does not have much respect for her, let alone your marriage to your wife. HE wants you to end it so you can be with him all the time and be single.

Edited January 9, 2008 by whichwayisup

[whichwayisup]

I wonder how woggle would feel if his wife's best friend was a feminist? Would he feel it's okay for her to hang out with this friend, every second day?

 

Excellent question. And let's say this 'friend' of Wog's wife was continually telling her to divorce her husband, and come out with her to she could go pick up men.

 

Wog, would you feel honestly feel OK with this if? Reverse the situation and ask yourself how you would feel.

[child_of_isis]

It sounds as if your friend is taking away from the W and the M.

 

You are spending every other evening with him?

 

May as well have an OW.

 

You might want to consider which is more important to you, your W or your friend. This person has the ability (albeit with your allowing) to come between you and your R.

 

BTDT.

It's not that he makes me feel safe but I believe in helping a man in need. I don't agree with his views but that doesn't mean that I let a friend down. I havbeen there for friends going through drug addiction but I have never wanted to to do drugs myself so why would I be influenced by a man who still has fresh wounds from being betrayed? My wife so far has never nagged me about my friends or going out or any of that and I am afraid that it is starting already and there is going to be some friction if she starts trying to tell me what to do and who I can and can't be friends with.

[Trialbyfire]

Ahhhhh...I can't resist this joke. My apologies to the OP.

 

Are you having an emotional affair that's vampiring off your primary relationship?

[Curmudgeon]

I see the look in her eyes whenever I go to his place and I know she doesn't like it. I understand why she is worried but she has nothing to worry about.

 

...when you really love someone you do everything in your power to keep from bringing them hurt, discomfort or dismay.

[whichwayisup]

Wogs, I hope later or tomorrow you come back to this thread and reply to what I've asked you and give me your thoughts on what I said in my replies to you..

[Citizen Erased]

Your friendship is poison Woggle.

 

Your wife has EVERY right to dislike this guy. He disrespects her, to her own husband, and you do NOTHING. You need to be firm with him. He needs to keep his opinions to himself. This is your wife. The one person in the entire world who will actually put up with your crap, and you are not being the best husband you can be. You are better then this Woggle. This friendship is a poison if it keeps going on the way it is.

 

I have read enough posts from you to see where this is headed. You will yet again stew on this, and the one person whose side you should take, you will yet again try to turn your back on her. Because underneath it all, you still see her as that man-hating feminist bitch you see all women as. Your friend is an ******* to be blunt, and yet you envy him because he is free. Free to treat the like crap. To sit on his arse and bitch to you about how they wrecked his life, when in fact it was his wife, but we won't touch on that.

 

His issues ARE NOT YOUR ISSUES. You need to tell him this. TELL him that your wife is the world to you, you love her, and cannot stand by whilst someone sits there and talks trash about her. You made a committment to her Woggle, man the hell up and live up to that committtment.

 

If this guy wants to end your friendship just because you want him to be respectful towards your own wife, then he is not your friend at all. How ridiculous. This guy is not worth your marriage hon. And I shouldn't have to try to convince you of that.

[Woggle]

Excellent question. And let's say this 'friend' of Wog's wife was continually telling her to divorce her husband, and come out with her to she could go pick up men.

 

Wog, would you feel honestly feel OK with this if? Reverse the situation and ask yourself how you would feel.

 

I probably would worry but women are more likely to let their friends ruin their relationships. There have been many cases of women letting their manhating friends ruin their relationship with their husband or boyfriend but not too many cases of the reverse happening.

 

I actually sat both of them down tonight and came to a sort of peace. I let my friend know that I sympathize with his pain but he needs to quit it with trying to get me to leave my wife because she is nothing at all like his ex. I resassured my wife that I am only being a friend to him and in no way do I agree with him. This is a difficult process he is going through after years of being a doormat in his relationships but I put him in his place tonight.

 

Also I am not gay in the least so no I am not having an affair.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hang out with him nearly every other night.

I don't care if he's a cross between Gandhi and JFK - hanging with any male buddy "nearly every other night" when you're married is a disproportionate use of your time. Are you sure that some of your W's discomfort isn't based on that?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Woggle]

We live across the street from each other so if I am getting the mail or taking out the garbage and he is there we chat for a little.

[Lishy]

Woggle answer me this

 

How would you deal with it if it was your wife's friend who was trying to split you up and your wife continued to hang with her friend?

 

Be honest

[Woggle]

Woggle answer me this

 

How would you deal with it if it was your wife's friend who was trying to split you up and your wife continued to hang with her friend?

 

Be honest

 

I am usually not one that believes in sexist double standards but it is different for a woman. There is a long history of relationships and marriages being ruined by a woman's manhating friends while a man's friends usually don't try to ruin his relationships and even if he does the guys usually look at it as crazy talk. I have a hard enough time convincing men to leave women when there is a damn good reason so how would a guy convinve me to give up a good thing? Women on the other hand tend to find a new single or divorced friend and all of a sudden she wants to join her and the man is left wondering WTF happened. Two very different situations.

[Lishy]

No honey you are wrong. And you didnt answer my question

 

Do you think it feels any different for your wife than how it would feel for you?

 

So back to the question, how would YOU feel if your wifes friend was trying to split you up and she was still insisting on hanging with her every night?

[Woggle]

No honey you are wrong. And you didnt answer my question

 

Do you think it feels any different for your wife than how it would feel for you?

 

So back to the question, how would YOU feel if your wifes friend was trying to split you up and she was still insisting on hanging with her every night?

 

I wouldn't feel good and I told you why. It is different for a woman and yes that is sexist but it is true.

[Lishy]

It is not sexist babe it is just not true

 

Are you saying that women are so weak that they can be told by friends to leave their husbands? I think not!

 

I am not being sexist either. Feelings are feelings and you can say it is different for women all you like, but it isn't. None of my friends could convince me to keave a man I was happy with and if they tried they would be out of my life. Why? Because no matter how much someone is heartbroken, to try to get me to leave would not make them a REAL friend in my eyes!

 

I think you are being totally out of order and if I was your wife I would be devastated that you where choosing this man over me!

[Lishy]

One more question Wogs

 

What would you DO if your wife did this to you?

[Woggle]

Women can be very influenced by friends. I know my first wife started cheating on me and resenting me when she got a job as a temp and ended up in an office full of bitter women.

 

I would not try to control her because you can't do that to another adult but I would let her know I thought her friend was no good and I would start preparing for divorce because it would be a matter of time as far as her turning on me.

[Lishy]

So I think you need to start preparing for divorce now as she could start proceedings when she realises that you are not standing by her and you are choosing your friend (if yoiu can call him that) over her!

 

This man is trying to split you up, but because you are a 'man' you are happy that he cannot persuade you to leave so therefore you see there is not a problem. What about how your wife feels? Do you even care? All that seems to matter to you is how YOU feel!

 

You calmly admit that you would divorce her for doing the same and yet you expect her to just put up with it??????? You are also married to someone who you consider a 'weak typical woman' I bet that makes her feel good to know that her husband does not trust her and thinks she can be that easily swayed!

 

Incredible !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ps ... I have NEVER in my life had a friend try to break me up with my partner and I have lots of friends who have been heartbroken - REAL friends dont do this no matte rhow much they hurt, yet you still put him above your wife! Think about it!

[Woggle]

I do care about how my wife feels but I told her before we got married to not try to change or tell what I can do or who to have as a friend. If anything I am honest and this is no exception.

 

I never said I would do the same but her making friends with a manhater will eventually lead to the I want a divorce bomb being dropped by her and an affair might be involved.