Fiancees Past haunts me to no ends. Driving me crazy!

[maria577]

Hi Genki

I have been reading everything you have posted and it just amazes me that there are guys like you who wait for marriage. I myself am waiting for the right man in my life and it is a personal decision for me to wait for my true love(not that there aren't any guys)... I personally think that the boyfriend/girlfriend stage is sort of a discernment stage where you evaluate your partner as your future wife... Do you see having children with this girl despite all the lies she has told you ? what is the present situation? Is she honest in the relationship? Are you happy in the relationship?This discernment stage can be quite difficult and I believe this is what you are going throught right now because your expectation from her doesn't match reality... Be strong Jenki...you are a pure and good-hearted guy... I know you are not judging this girl but you are evaluating if she is the right girl for you... give it time okk and discern well:)

 

Maria

[genki]

Hi Genki

I have been reading everything you have posted and it just amazes me that there are guys like you who wait for marriage. I myself am waiting for the right man in my life and it is a personal decision for me to wait for my true love(not that there aren't any guys)... I personally think that the boyfriend/girlfriend stage is sort of a discernment stage where you evaluate your partner as your future wife... Do you see having children with this girl despite all the lies she has told you ? what is the present situation? Is she honest in the relationship? Are you happy in the relationship?This discernment stage can be quite difficult and I believe this is what you are going throught right now because your expectation from her doesn't match reality... Be strong Jenki...you are a pure and good-hearted guy... I know you are not judging this girl but you are evaluating if she is the right girl for you... give it time okk and discern well:)

 

Maria

 

Glad to finally see someone on here who values virignity and the meaning it gives to a future partner and the security and purity it brings with it into a marriage. And yes trust me there are plenty of other guys out there who believe in love, virignity and marriage as much as I do. Infact 1 of my friends is an atheist to the bone yet even at 29 hes still waiting for the right one. Its easy to sleep around and do wrong and give in to your temptations and urges, it takes a person of strong character and will to stand up to wrong and incist its wrong even when wrong is the norm in society.

 

Had she merely been a friend or some aquaintence etc I would not have lost any sleep or even given it a thought since you have the right to live your life the way you want. However when it comes to marriage material its a totally different matter and I have a right to know what Im getting into.

 

Anybody is welcome to explain how you would get over photos of your girl in bed with other man and even 2 photos with her giving him a BJ? Then theres the photos of them being nude and the photo of giving him a Handjob and to top it a photo of them actually ****ing.

 

I havent waited my life and fought all my urges and temptations so that my wife would be somebody like that.

[maria577]

How did you find these scandalous fotos???? If she say it is PAST,, why are the pictures still there and not disposed of. mmm I can totally see where you are coming from and I don't blame you why her past is haunting you because you have seen an image of her doing that kind of stuff....How did she react when you saw the pictures??

[genki]

How did you find these scandalous fotos???? If she say it is PAST,, why are the pictures still there and not disposed of. mmm I can totally see where you are coming from and I don't blame you why her past is haunting you because you have seen an image of her doing that kind of stuff....How did she react when you saw the pictures??

 

 

she said shes sorry and didnt think she had them.

 

 

Honestly maria if you were in my situation with a guy who had a history etc but was always hurt and dumped and abused and lost his virginity via rape ie reverse of my case What would you do? Would you move on and dump him? Could you accept and forgive his past and all his lies (and he said hes lied only to protect you)? Break up?

[maria577]

Jenki... FORGIVING is a must! no one on this Earth is perfect. HOWEVER,,, the question right now is: CAN SHE BE YOUR WIFE?? you are a commitment type of a person. you are not like so many guys who has commitment-phobia. You take commintment seriously and this process which you are going throught right now is normal...

 

Evaluate the present situation. Does she sleep around with other guys? Is she unfaithful to you? HOW LONG DO YOU KNOW HER??? Have you met her family??? Now that she knows your moral standards, is she willing to accept them? Do you think you can have a WHOLE and UNITED family with her? Will she be a DEDICATED wife? Does she have VICES?

 

I cannot give you specific advices on this because I do not have all the details of your relationship. In the end you will have to decide for yourself because it is your life.... but keep in mind... Marriage happens only once. It is a lifetime commitment between two special people.

[JHS]

You have some serious issue man. The more I read what you write the more I feel you are seriously DANGEROUS.

 

Leave this girl alone and go and get your head straighten out.

 

So true. i agree

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I cant do this any longer. I have had it.

Congratulations to your girlfriend for getting out of reach of your inane jealousy. Poor girl!

[maria577]

[

 

Anybody is welcome to explain how you would get over photos of your girl in bed with other man and even 2 photos with her giving him a BJ? Then theres the photos of them being nude and the photo of giving him a Handjob and to top it a photo of them actually ****ing.

 

I havent waited my life and fought all my urges and temptations so that my wife would be somebody like that.

 

----

 

What is a BJ ??

[Tripper]

Congratulations to your girlfriend for getting out of reach of your inane jealousy. Poor girl!

 

 

Amen!!!!!!!

[Tripper]

[

 

What is a BJ ??

 

Blow job or fellatio

[genki]

And I find that she had moved in and lived with the guy for 3 months? great. Shagging him and making noises and what not with his roommate just outside on the couch etc? Where the hell is decency modesty shame?

 

And Im supposed to be special?

[maria577]

Jenki..maybe it is time to move on. It is clear that you don't see eye to eye with the girl. The pictures you saw speak a thousand words. You said She has been in Japan for two years after these had happened but why does she still have these pictures. I belive these are the signs which are telling you that she may not be the right girl for you... YOu asked me if the situation was vice versa... if I caught my boyfriend with these peictures and soon find out all the lies,,, I would definitley be feeling the same way you are feeling now but the right thing would be to move on because you won't be happy in the long run... You have just known her for 8 months and you are having all this problems ,,not just small problems but big problems...these are considered big problems because it deals with trust and sexuality... these 2 factors are very important in marriage. Maybe you can be just friends in the mean time and get to know other people...

[Jilly Bean]

Genki - for sure end it with this girl. The relationship is doomed.

 

Going forward, and no joke or disrespect meant, I think you might want to seek a girl through an arranged marriage. That way you will be (reasonably) assured of her chastity. You seem to have such extreme anger/rage issues over her past, which only illustrates your personal insecurities in relationships, but does make it impossible for you to accept anyone less than completely virginal. Ideally you should get some help for these issues, which I doubt you will, so the next best thing is to try and find a girl who is coming to you from a spot of being relatively "clean". Beyond that, I think any other girl you date, you will only carry your own baggage from before this girl, and now with the new trust issues, it will only add to you load.

[genki]

Jenki..maybe it is time to move on. It is clear that you don't see eye to eye with the girl. The pictures you saw speak a thousand words. You said She has been in Japan for two years after these had happened but why does she still have these pictures. I belive these are the signs which are telling you that she may not be the right girl for you... YOu asked me if the situation was vice versa... if I caught my boyfriend with these peictures and soon find out all the lies,,, I would definitley be feeling the same way you are feeling now but the right thing would be to move on because you won't be happy in the long run... You have just known her for 8 months and you are having all this problems ,,not just small problems but big problems...these are considered big problems because it deals with trust and sexuality... these 2 factors are very important in marriage. Maybe you can be just friends in the mean time and get to know other people...

 

I know that but I just cant help it. Everything is so confusing. Just when I thought right thats it shes out and I can now closeup, she calls me and messages me, sends me emails and even comes around. When I see her my heart instantly melts for her and I feel sorry and sad (not only for what shes been through and what she did to herself but also for us and for me because without her past we would have been perfect) and think maybe im making a mistake if I leave and when she isnt around or even if she is therell be a lot of moments where images of her past pops into my head.

 

 

If she had told me A to Z everything and completely honestly I could have just walked away or stayed my choice then but she says if she did I would have walked away for sure. But what she did was lead me on and give me hope and slowly bit by bit the truth comes out till only 3 days ago where she tells me she lived with the guy for 3 months. Everything she did is what I consider below a human with decency she got herself raped, she learned nothing and went around making out, she drank underage, she got herself used and dumped repeatedly.

Which logical decent person would move in with a guy shes barely known? Which decent person would go on ****ing a guy when his roommate is often just outside(her retort is atleast he wasnt in the same room!)? Where is the decency morality or the love and intimacy in that? Why even get involved with a loser when your about to leave within 3months?

How am I special? How do you even know what love is? What do you know about commitment, morality, decency or loyality?

 

Sometimes I wish I could be cruel and not care about her or what shes been through or what would happen to her should I leave just like a normal guy and everyone in her past.

Sometimes because of her I think maybe I should have been a player or someone that didnt place so much meaning then I wouldnt have cared and just dumped her instantly after having slept with her claiming things didnt work out because of all her baggage and scars and issues. I have done sooooo much for her and get nothing really in return. I have been the equivalent of 3 times around the globe for her when the other guy dumped her instantly yet professed love and what BS when she was there.

 

We both realise that how I was with her being around me at the beginning is not how I am now. But even though I am not like that I am still way better than she has ever known or seen. Shes sad that she doesnt see my smile and that I am not that happy cheerful joker of back then. And I am sad too. I have given so much to her and had gone all out for her.

 

Even if I leave her Ill have so much trust and doubt issues now with anyone that it wont be funny. Ill probably be like most other guys and see how things play out and maybe play others and dropship instantly etc and never look for commitment. It saddens me so much to know what I have become now. I used to be full of hope, happy, gave everything I had money time commitment all my being and smiles and jokes.

[maria577]

probably you are still in a shocked state finding everything about her past... anyway, do you think that she has change now??? why was the past touch on anyway? I am also very surprise at how your girlfriend tells you all these details... Soemthing intimate should never be told to another person.. It was supposed to be between her and the guy... what are you going to do now??

[genki]

probably you are still in a shocked state finding everything about her past... anyway, do you think that she has change now??? why was the past touch on anyway? I am also very surprise at how your girlfriend tells you all these details... Soemthing intimate should never be told to another person.. It was supposed to be between her and the guy... what are you going to do now??

 

I feel like so why did I wait? Why did I refuse women? Why did I not take advantage of any? Why was I a decent person? What have I done to have fallen in love with such a woman ? I feel shocked, disgusted, confused, angry, sad, sorry, regret.

 

I mean would you move in to my tiny apartment only knowing me for a few weeks? Would you then sleep with me when my roommate in this tiny apartment is just outside? Would you not feel shame, disgust, immoral and that its not right? But she didnt have issues with it. And now knowing all I know I should trust her and feel loved and special?

I used to feel special and very happy and adored the ground she walked on but the more I found out and the more lies she gave me the more I found out that nothing was special. She had done all this before with a guy that did nothing for her and I realise that I didnt need to do anything for her to get into my bed.

 

 

Has she changed now? Yes. Did she change on her own? NO. Did she change by being with me YES. She doesnt even try or want to sleep with me. She has definately changed and i think its from the bottom of her heart but then again she has fooled me before and lied. Maybe its for me she changed(many others have done that) but I think its for her.

 

There were many things and hence why her past slowly leaked out. She had a lot of baggage and scars and issues and slowly she leaked out the info of why and then slowly said other things and then slowly compared me to her past eg Why dont you sleep with me? Other guys did. etc and slowly her actions words and experience revealed her past. Then there were the photos and she trying to explain. And she cant keep her stories like most people that lie so much straight so it slowly all came out and nothing sounded right or honest. This wouldnt have been so hard if she was honest right from the beginning with everything then a) I could have stayed B)I could have walked but she knew I would have walked so she decided to lie etc she says to protect me.

 

I had always waited and the wish at my core was that I would wait for the love of my life a woman who like me in the face of temptations said no and was strong and moral and waited for me. We would be in a union of the purest form with no issues of trust, insecurities, scars, baggage etc and that we would both cherish and love each other. This was my greatest wish beyond anything. And now I get this.....

 

I could have had countless women. I was in situations where women actually asked me and begged me to sleep with them and I refused. I was in situations where the women were drunk yet I took them to their house/apartment and though they wanted me I took no advantage of them and left. I was in situations where I could have taken advantage of the insecurity of some women due to their current relationship issues or being dumped but I didnt. I was in situations where women were trying to pull my pants off and take their clothes off yet I walked away. I was in situations where though the women swore they would change etc I had no connection so I didnt do anything. I was in situations where other guys would have taken advantage of certain girls and didnt allow them too. I was in situations with no strings attached pure sex only yet I refused.

It hasnt been easy but I refused and was a decent caring person and never allowed them to use me or me taking advantage of them.

 

Always waiting and refusing temptation because at the core was the believe that I wanted it to be special and meaningful. I wanted to give it away to the love of my life to make her feel special and understand that I waited for her and that our union though might be painful for her was special for both. I viewed sex as an intensely sacred and deeply meaningful act between 2 commited married individuals who both had waited and had the guts and commitment and responsibility to marry and fought their urges and temptations giving meaning to each other. I mean even when married I understand the womans first time is not pleasant But I was willing to wait however LONG it took. If it took months or years for me to sleep with my own wife I would have. I would have made it known to her thats how special she is and I will wait and be gentle and caring and would never push or demand and even when the time came i would make sure she wanted to and even then be gentle and only to the point that it wasnt hurting her too much if it took days or months to get there bit by bit I would have waited. The intimacy trust and love that would have come from all that would be beyond measure. That was my dream. That was what I wanted for myself and my wife whom I loved so much. But I guess Im a romantic fool?

[jcster]

I viewed sex as an intensely sacred and deeply meaningful act between 2 commited married individuals who both had waited and had the guts and commitment and responsibility to marry and fought their urges and temptations giving meaning to each other.

 

Oh man! You are going to be soooooooo disappointed! Talk about ridiculous buildup and expectation!

[maria577]

mm ohh Genki... I feel so sad for you

there is a saying that goes:

 

Lucky is the girl, who is the guy's LAST

and Lucky is the guy, who is the girl's FIRST

 

In your situation it is the opposite :S ANyway , Anyway.... Jenki I really suggest to give your relationship more time... you will know all the answers to your problem in time. Give it more time ok.... 8 months is still too short a time to know who the real person is....

[lovelorcet]

This is to the OP.

 

Your views on relationships, love and sex are very far away from normal or healthy.

 

I mean this seriously and with no sarcasm what so ever. You need to do the following things:

 

1. Leave this girl alone, its over.

 

2. Seek help for yourself through therapy. You are FAR AWAY from being able to conduct a healthy relationship.

 

3. Please do not get involved with any other women until you have gone through intensive therapy.

[huh]

Everything she did is what I consider below a human with decency she got herself raped

 

Do the female gender a favor and get this tattooed on your forehead. This way women will know immediately what they're dealing with when it comes to you. Being raped has nothing to do with a woman's decency, but rather the indecency of the rapist.

 

Sometimes I wish I could be cruel and not care about her or what shes been through or what would happen to her should I leave just like a normal guy and everyone in her past.

 

Yes, because blaming her for being raped is so kind (can you say sarcasm boys & girls? I knew you could). Oh wait, I'm channeling Mr. Rogers again. Now where was I?

 

I have done sooooo much for her and get nothing really in return. I have been the equivalent of 3 times around the globe for her when the other guy dumped her instantly yet professed love and what BS when she was there.

 

Yeah, because we chicks really dig it when a guy blames a woman for being raped. See above re: sarcasm.

[Racquel Colette]

Genki, I really don't think she is just really that into you. you need to let her go and let her live her life without your harsh judgment. You like her for who she is or you get out.

[Cobra_X30]

When I see her my heart instantly melts for her and I feel sorry and sad (not only for what shes been through and what she did to herself but also for us and for me because without her past we would have been perfect) and think maybe im making a mistake if I leave and when she isnt around or even if she is therell be a lot of moments where images of her past pops into my head.

 

How am I special? How do you even know what love is? What do you know about commitment, morality, decency or loyality?

 

Sometimes I wish I could be cruel and not care about her or what shes been through or what would happen to her should I leave just like a normal guy and everyone in her past.

 

Ill probably be like most other guys and see how things play out and maybe play others and dropship instantly etc and never look for commitment. It saddens me so much to know what I have become now. I used to be full of hope, happy, gave everything I had money time commitment all my being and smiles and jokes.

 

Just checking back in!

 

You are not progressing. You are stuck in a viscous thought cycle.

 

Consider the parts I have highlighted here!

 

You have deep feelings for her. However, due to her past she no longer makes you feel special, and your trust is shattered!

 

So, here is the point where you see what kind of man you are. You must choose: Bend your values and choose her, or abandon her and keep your principles.

 

Which way are you leaning Genki?

[genki]

Just checking back in!

 

You are not progressing. You are stuck in a viscous thought cycle.

 

Consider the parts I have highlighted here!

 

You have deep feelings for her. However, due to her past she no longer makes you feel special, and your trust is shattered!

 

So, here is the point where you see what kind of man you are. You must choose: Bend your values and choose her, or abandon her and keep your principles.

 

Which way are you leaning Genki?

 

I know thats where I am. And im finding its killing me ordinarily without any involvement this decision would have been simple. OUT. But being so deep and caring and my feelings confused and muddled it all out.

 

Had she been honest about it all from the beginning 100% then atleast the trust would have been there but.....

 

 

And what the **** is wrong with some of you people ? Were I to advocate that women deserve to be raped or that she or others like her were to blame 100% why would I want to go and beat the pulp out of them?

 

What im merely saying is as responsibile adults everything has cause and consequence and its your job to minimise risk etc against you. Drinking partying drugs lewd behaviour provocative dressing etc all combined is not a good combination and you just dont want to accept that you added to your risks of being raped. We live in an IMPERFECT WORLD and there are many that will rape women like nothing in an ideal world the hottest woman could walk down dark abandoned roads in middle of nowhere and not be raped but realistically she most likely would be raped.

[lovelorcet]

 

So, here is the point where you see what kind of man you are. You must choose: Bend your values and choose her, or abandon her and keep your principles.

 

Which way are you leaning Genki?

 

This boy is in NO WAY secure enough to "bend" anything. If he is only a fraction like his posts here are then women beware...

[huh]

Oh & I wanted to add this re: sexual activity & proximity, but it wouldn't let me edit the post, so I'll add this post.

 

And there are worse noises than your neighbors having sex. My most recent ex-neighbors were a young couple who moved because they wanted to start a family & needed more space (different couple than the other one). I could hear her loud & clear when he was, err shall we say making her happy. Now, it's a mother & her adult mentally ill daughter who sometimes gets physically violent, slams doors repeatedly 10x in a row, blasts music every now & then at 5 am and smokes pot which seeps out into the hallway & something else I think may be crack. The 911 calls, etc. are a lot more stressful/disruptive than a couple physically expressing love for each other. I'd much rather hear my neighbors having sex than hear people slammed into a wall.