wife's weight

[whichwayisup]

social anxiety disorder. I posted this a week ago, and there is no mystery about what she is taking or why. I also said earlier the drug is doing exactly what it should do - so the issue (her social anxiety symptoms) has already been resolved. Your post (above) seems to be offering advice where no problem even exists.

 

Sure, her symptoms are more under control, but she needs to find out why she has a social anxiety disorder. She needs to talk to a trained therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders. A cognitive behavioural therapist. Trust me on this one - She can pop pills till no tomorrow, but it won't make the reasons WHY she has social anxiety go away. Facing her issues and fears, understanding them and dealing with them head on WILL however give her self confidence so she will feel better about herself, aka lose weight as she'll care more about how she looks, dresses like and she'll also want to live a happier, healthier lifestyle. I hope this makes sense..

[sb129]

Sure, her symptoms are more under control, but she needs to find out why she has a social anxiety disorder. She needs to talk to a trained therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders. A cognitive behavioural therapist. Trust me on this one - She can pop pills till no tomorrow, but it won't make the reasons WHY she has social anxiety go away. Facing her issues and fears, understanding them and dealing with them head on WILL however give her self confidence so she will feel better about herself, aka lose weight as she'll care more about how she looks, dresses like and she'll also want to live a happier, healthier lifestyle. I hope this makes sense..

 

Thank you WWIU. This is exactly what I was trying to say.

 

try2bsupportive, treating the symptoms of a problem doesn't always solve the cause of the problem.

If she is self-medicating, then she isn't getting the appropriate professional guidance to deal with the problem.

Just trying to get you to look at it in a different way which could ultimately benefit both your W and your marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

If she is self-medicating, then she isn't getting the appropriate professional guidance to deal with the problem.

sb129, isn't anybody that engages in self-destructive behaviors "self-medicating" in some way? And how does that fit into any concept of personal responsibility?

 

Mr. Lucky

[sb129]

sb129, isn't anybody that engages in self-destructive behaviors "self-medicating" in some way? And how does that fit into any concept of personal responsibility?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Of course.

 

Over- or comfort eating can be self destructive too. Maybe the OPs Ws tendency towards self destructive behaviour is becoming more apparent now than previously with her perceived lack of interest in her physical appearance.

 

Maybe not, I don't know I am not an expert on self medication or anxiety by any stretch of the imagination, and we aren't hearing the story from her perspective so its very difficult to assume anything.

 

I do think this issue has several components to it, and looking at the bigger picture may help the OP explore the problem as a whole rather than one issue.

 

I may be wrong. I do hope that try2bsupportive and his wife manage to work things out and reach a happy conclusion.

 

I think that we can all agree that sadly, despite the length of this thread, that nobody seems to have come up with the perfect solution.

Thats OK for those of us who can log off and forget about until next time, but t2bs is still frustrated and worried about his W and his marriage.

 

Perhaps professional guidance would be the logical next step T2BS?

 

I can't remember if marriage counselling has been discussed? Or even counselling for you to give you a professional opinion?

[Try2BeSupportive]

Sure, her symptoms are more under control, but she needs to find out why she has a social anxiety disorder.

She needs to talk to a trained therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders. A cognitive behavioural therapist. Trust me on this one

 

I am always interested in learning about new things (like CBT). No offense but why do you feel more qualified than her own doctor to say that CBT would be better for her than her meds?

 

try2bsupportive, treating the symptoms of a problem doesn't always solve the cause of the problem.

I am no psychiatrist (is anyone here?) but the first few google hits for "social anxiety disorder treatment" says pretty clearly that medicine is a reliable (and usually the most effective) treatment for her condition. Apparently, treating symptoms is a very common practice in psychiatry, and the cause is frequently a chemical imbalance that responds only to medicine. Did you miss the part where I said her medicine is working?

 

If she is self-medicating, then she isn't getting the appropriate professional guidance to deal with the problem.

Just trying to get you to look at it in a different way which could ultimately benefit both your W and your marriage.

 

What do you mean self-medicating? Obviously her meds are prescribed by a licensed physician after properly evaluating her (with bi-annual followups).

[sb129]

I am so sorry! I thought from a post way back that that you said she was self-medicating, ie taking the meds without proper evaluations. So many doctors prescribe things (or misprescribe) without regular reviews.

 

My mistake, and obviously that now puts a different slant on my last few posts, so again, I apologise for misinterpreting the information you gave us.

 

I certainly am not a psychiatrist nor psychologist, nor a marriage counsellor, so I don't really know what else to say now.

 

If her medicine is working, and she is under the care of a professional, then great.

 

That still doesn't get you any closer to a solution though, does it?

 

Do you think that marriage counselling could be an option? It could give you both an opportunity to voice your concerns on neutral territory.

 

Although I appreciate that broaching that with your W may be very difficult, and possibly could make things worse.

 

Sorry, no more ideas from here. I mean it when i say I hope things work out though.

[daisydufas22]

I am always interested in learning about new things (like CBT). No offense but why do you feel more qualified than her own doctor to say that CBT would be better for her than her meds?

 

 

I am no psychiatrist (is anyone here?) but the first few google hits for "social anxiety disorder treatment" says pretty clearly that medicine is a reliable (and usually the most effective) treatment for her condition. Apparently, treating symptoms is a very common practice in psychiatry, and the cause is frequently a chemical imbalance that responds only to medicine. Did you miss the part where I said her medicine is working?

 

 

 

What do you mean self-medicating? Obviously her meds are prescribed by a licensed physician after properly evaluating her (with bi-annual followups).

 

 

I am a Social Worker and CBT is great for people who suffer from anxiety. However, it's a daily battle!

 

Have you spoken to your wife yet? The way I see it she needs to be aware of YOUR expectations and YOU need to be aware of HER expectations!

 

I think you are being a bully.......that's my honest opinion! If you really wanted this problem sorted you would clearly express your expectations and allow her to do the same.

 

People often overeat for other reasons.......NOT because they are weak or lack willpower. Your wife sounds like she is doing this!

 

TAKE ACTION!!!!

[whichwayisup]

I am always interested in learning about new things (like CBT). No offense but why do you feel more qualified than her own doctor to say that CBT would be better for her than her meds?

 

I am not saying for her to stop taking her meds, I was just saying that the CBT WITH the meds together will help her cope better with the social anxiety. I am not a therapist, but I do suffer from an anxiety disorder and I did CBT. Had an amazing therapist who helped me through the issues that were giving me anxiety, talked about some stuff from my past which was affected my life (father dying, and I had a fear of having those closest to me dying, especially my husband and me being alone), talking about it helped, and l learned how to control the negative thoughts, replace them with healthier and positive thoughts.

 

CBT can help her gain self confidence so she can feel good and love herself again. At my worst I didn't care what I looked like at times, and it showed. And ofcourse, it got pointed out to me on occasion thanks to my hubby, my family and close friends...Tough love is wonderful, but if your wife feels like you're ganging up on her, she'll shut down. *Not that you are ganging up on her, but she could very well feel like you are.*

[Mr. Lucky]

People often overeat for other reasons.......NOT because they are weak or lack willpower. Your wife sounds like she is doing this!

People do all kinds of negative and destructive things in a relationship. Are they all for "other reasons" ???

 

Maybe the OP's wife has just gotten complacent and lazy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Racquel Colette]

Maybe she doesn't really need the pills for social anxiety. Pills are so overprescribed anyway. I am so glad I listened to my therapist instead of my doctor when I was going through situational clinical depression last year. My therapist said "exercise daily" and my medical doc. said 'here, we'll put you on Wellbutrin.' glad I listened to my therapist and didn't drug myself up. I'm great now.

[daisydufas22]

People do all kinds of negative and destructive things in a relationship. Are they all for "other reasons" ???

 

Maybe the OP's wife has just gotten complacent and lazy...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We are talking about overeating......Would you like me to post my PHD here about overeating? It's a good read!

 

I think the KEY word I used was OFTEN.....hence often does not mean in every case. That's why I utilised the word 'often'. I hope you understand now.

 

If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask.

[YeahBaby]

I think that if you aren't going to discuss your wife's weight with her, you should consider changing her lifestyle without her necessarily noticing. Try offering to cook or do the grocery shopping, and cook healthy things. Get involved yourself in healthy food habits - make a smoothie in the mornings and offer her one - encourage healthy eating habits through yourself.

 

Additionally, at weekends or during holidays, do active things as a family. Go hiking up a hill, go dancing, swimming or play tennis. All these things will help her lose the weight, possibly without her even realising.

[PWSX3]

I think that if you aren't going to discuss your wife's weight with her, you should consider changing her lifestyle without her necessarily noticing. Try offering to cook or do the grocery shopping, and cook healthy things. Get involved yourself in healthy food habits - make a smoothie in the mornings and offer her one - encourage healthy eating habits through yourself.

 

Additionally, at weekends or during holidays, do active things as a family. Go hiking up a hill, go dancing, swimming or play tennis. All these things will help her lose the weight, possibly without her even realising.

I know what the answer would be if I did this for my wife.

no, no, no, no to all of the above.

I have all kinds of fruit in the house, I do protein shakes & have asked the W if she wants one & she says; NO.

 

I feel unless the person wants to do something for them self there is nothing he will be able to do. You can't make an alcoholic stop drinking or a drug addict stop using drugs & this is the same thing.

 

I also believe that most people that are overweight have other issues that are making it hard for them to change & others just don't care......

They don't see it as a health problem.....

[norajane]

I also believe that most people that are overweight have other issues that are making it hard for them to change & others just don't care......

They don't see it as a health problem.....

 

I think that might be the case here. Let's face it, his wife gained 20 extra pounds and that isn't likely to get most people freaking out about their health! Most people who are trying to lose that extra 10 or 20 are concerned about appearance...

 

If she were to continue gaining weight steadily, maybe she would start thinking about how that will effect her health. As it is with her holding pattern of around 20 extra pounds, if she is relatively content with how she looks, she's not worrying about her health.

 

T2BS, I don't really know what else to suggest, here. My personal experience as a woman is that when I find myself doing a lot of regular snacking on comfort foods (chocolate, sweets, chips, etc.) in the evenings by myself, it's because I'm filling some kind of emotional need: I'm upset, stressed, depressed, lonely and/or bored. Curling up with a good book or movie and some tasty treats helps me feel better. Especially during those years when I was traveling a lot for work, I would find myself in my lonely hotel rooms at night seeking out that bar of Toblerone they always had in the mini-bars.

 

And then there are certain times in my menstrual cycle where I unconsciously would be snacking far more often, especially on chocolate, and I'd wonder why I had these cravings so much and then it would come to me that I was expecting my period.

 

Only your wife can tell you why she's suddenly all about the snacks and is no longer interested in exercise. It might be time to just directly ask her why she's no longer interested in exercise unless you push her to do it, and why she's started eating snacks every night when she didn't used to do it before. She may not necessarily know the answers herself - a lot of people who use food for comfort don't necessarily realize it, especially if it's not their usual pattern of behavior. You may get an answer that she just likes to eat tasty treats and she's ok with her weight.

 

But the fact that she doesn't want sex with you, and she's added the extra snacks to her day...I think those are related because food is often a substitute for sex. There's something going on with her or in your marriage that is affecting her desire for sex, and there is something going on with her that is changing her previous patterns of behavior. Talk to her about it openly - that's all you can do.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are talking about overeating......Would you like me to post my PHD here about overeating? It's a good read!

 

I think the KEY word I used was OFTEN.....hence often does not mean in every case. That's why I utilised the word 'often'. I hope you understand now.

 

If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask.

Yes you did use the qualifier "often" and (believe it or not ) I did understand what you meant. What frustrates me is the "Lifetime Channel" mentality of many (note qualifier ) posters here that assume that, if the OP's wife is gaining weight, then he must be physically or emotionally mistreating her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

if the OP's wife is gaining weight, then he must be physically or emotionally mistreating her...

 

She has SOCIAL ANXIETY and that does damage. The meds will help control the feelings of anxiety, but it will not get rid of the PROBLEMS that have caused it. She's had anxiety for a long time and I know from personal experience the toll it takes on your self esteem.

Another thing that isn't helping is, she doesn't have much of a life outside of the house. She's a mom, a wife, but has no social network other than that. Doesn't go to the gym, doesn't do hobbies, isn't taking a course, or volunteering...Something is missing inside of her - Self accomplishment and self satisfaction! She doesn't have that jump to start her day as she knows her routine is the same. (I could be wrong about this, but from what Trying has said, this is the feeling I get - Hense the snacking at night and not doing very much.)

[sb129]

Yes you did use the qualifier "often" and (believe it or not ) I did understand what you meant. What frustrates me is the "Lifetime Channel" mentality of many (note qualifier ) posters here that assume that, if the OP's wife is gaining weight, then he must be physically or emotionally mistreating her...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have never thought that the weight gain was a result of mistreatment by the OP. I don't know nearly enough about the situation to assume that.

 

 

As this thread has progressed, it has become clear to me that there is a communication problem in the marriage, but the W is just as much to blame for this IMO, perhaps even more, as she seems to have built a large wall around herself, and isn't letting her H in.

 

Who knows what the root cause of her anxiety is? according to the OP its been going on for years, since before they met. She may have some longstanding issues that have nothing to do with try2Bsupportive, yet if this is the case then her failure to deal with them properly is having a negative impact on their marriage.

 

If she has concerns about either her own issues or the marriage, but isn't voicing them and keeps distancing herself from try2Bsupportive, then she is just as responsible for the breakdown in communication.

[sb129]

She has SOCIAL ANXIETY and that does damage. The meds will help control the feelings of anxiety, but it will not get rid of the PROBLEMS that have caused it. She's had anxiety for a long time and I know from personal experience the toll it takes on your self esteem.

Another thing that isn't helping is, she doesn't have much of a life outside of the house. She's a mom, a wife, but has no social network other than that. Doesn't go to the gym, doesn't do hobbies, isn't taking a course, or volunteering...Something is missing inside of her - Self accomplishment and self satisfaction! She doesn't have that jump to start her day as she knows her routine is the same. (I could be wrong about this, but from what Trying has said, this is the feeling I get - Hense the snacking at night and not doing very much.)

 

I still think this is the most likely scenario.

 

However, the OP can't force his W to address these issues. She has to want to address them herself, and the fact that she doesn't seem to want to is the cause of most of his frustration.

[Mr. Lucky]

However, the OP can't force his W to address these issues. She has to want to address them herself, and the fact that she doesn't seem to want to is the cause of most of his frustration.

Agree 100%. Not sure what it would take to open the communication up so both are comfortable talking about what's really going on. Probably lots at stake for both of them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sb129]

Agree 100%. Not sure what it would take to open the communication up so both are comfortable talking about what's really going on. Probably lots at stake for both of them...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

For sure. They have two kids, and have both invested 12 years of their lives into this marriage.

 

I think that MC might be a good idea, but how can you ask someone to go to MC with you when they refuse to acknowledge there is a problem?

[daisydufas22]

Yes you did use the qualifier "often" and (believe it or not ) I did understand what you meant. What frustrates me is the "Lifetime Channel" mentality of many (note qualifier ) posters here that assume that, if the OP's wife is gaining weight, then he must be physically or emotionally mistreating her...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

All I am saying is that I have suggested counselling on numerous occassions. Mostly overeating is the result of another issue(s). I think it is unfair to NOT express your expectations to your partner and that's why I think the husband's a bully.

 

It does not need to be done in a mean way. That is why I suggested counselling.

 

I AM GUESSING HERE but I doubt her expectations are being met 100% in the marriage.

 

If all he has to complain about is 20 stupid pounds, then I say he's a lucky guy and I think she's wonderful.

[daisydufas22]

Agree 100%. Not sure what it would take to open the communication up so both are comfortable talking about what's really going on. Probably lots at stake for both of them...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Talk in a SAFE environment (ie a counsellor's office). She may well refuse to lose the weight ..... who knows! That's HER choice but at least they are given the opportunity to discuss their expectations. She may have expectations that are not being met.

 

There's also a lot at stake for them if they DO NOT communicate effectively their expectations.

 

The husband said it was so bad that he would consider divorce. Hmmmm, I think there is a lot at stake here and she does not seem to be aware. It's pretty unfair on the wife.

[daisydufas22]

For sure. They have two kids, and have both invested 12 years of their lives into this marriage.

 

I think that MC might be a good idea, but how can you ask someone to go to MC with you when they refuse to acknowledge there is a problem?

 

 

Just say, 'I want to go to MC to express my expectations cause I want a safe environment to do it in'.

 

I do believe if the only complaint he has with her is 20 pounds, then she sounds wonderful and he sounds like a bully!

 

There's also a lot at stake for them if they DO NOT communicate effectively their expectations.

 

The husband said it was so bad that he would consider divorce. Hmmmm, I think there is a lot at stake here and she does not seem to be aware. It's pretty unfair on the wife.

[Racquel Colette]

Try2Be, what if your wife is perfectly happy losing only 5 pounds and being a healthy, sexy, happy 150 pounds and going to the gym only a couple times a week, yet still having her chocolate (oh the HORROR)? Are you willing to accept this if this is what makes her happy? She might not want to be a size 6 again and is perfectly happy being a healthy size 10/12. What if she thinks she looks fine at this weight and couldn't give a rat's what her girlfriends think? (I state this because you feel that since her girlfriends have made comments about her gaining weight, this is the ultimate proof that she needs to lose weight and is looking bad.) What if she doesn't feel she looks bad? What if she feels she looks hot at a 10/12 and will continue going to the gym a couple times a week with no intentions of being a smaller size, the size she was a decade or more ago?

However, at the same time, she will not gain any more weight over what she is currently?

Will this be OK with you, or will the 20-25 pounds be the issue which will cause a divorce?

[HokeyReligions]

sounds to me like her weight is just a convenient target to some more serious issues that you don't want to face. Its not her weight as much as it is your cowardice or inability in talking to her about your own feelings. Its easy to place blame on her while claiming that its your fault. Typical transferrence of guilt.

 

Tell her that you feel your marriage is in trouble and before it goes any further you want to go to marriage counseling - separate and together.