wife's weight

[huh]

To add to what Lindya said about couple's premarital weight counseling, maybe we should add for thinner or fatter to the part of the wedding vows that go "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health."

 

And for the OP, here's a link to info on weight gain & pregnancies:

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=7951478&dopt=AbstractPlus

 

Does every woman gain weight post pregnancy? No, but it's a factor and many women do. A lot of it is the time constraints and the lack of time to themselves and lack of sleep that comes with taking care of children. Lack of sleep is associated with weight gain as well.

 

http://www.thedietchannel.com/Weight-Loss-and-Sleep.htm

 

I don't doubt you think that you take on just as much of the responsibility of child rearing and household chores, but I would be curious to know if your wife thinks so as well. When one spouse is staying home with the kids, that spouse is going to be taking on the vast majority of those tasks/work. And often, it's thankless work.

 

Have you talked to her about the decrease in sexual activity? If so, what did she say?

[bigheartkindsoul]

We share the same house, same kids, same stresses. I know exactly how much running around she does because I am right there by her side every step of the way, every day and every night. When I am not at my day job, all of the upkeep you mention is pretty evenly split down the middle. I know plenty of men (and plenty of women too) who do all of that and still manage to eat well and exercise. Heck I know plenty of single parents (shudder the thought) who do it all and look great doing it.

 

To me it is purely a matter of priorities and values. This has always been important for myself, and for my physical attraction to my mate. I saw a great billboard for Nike that reads:

“Someone Who Is Busier Than You Is Running Right Now”

 

 

 

You are saying that I should just ignore the fact she eats junk food at night and has been to her gym once in 6 months. No, that has no effect upon her weight gain. Instead, her 30 extra pounds are an unavoidable consequence of giving birth several years ago. Despite the fact most of the weight came AFTERWARDS. Or did I misunderstand?

 

Lindya and Marlena - glad to provide some entertainment for you! Want to hear something very funny? I actually have to wake up 30 minutes early now because of the extra time I have been spending on this forum lately, otherwise I would not get everything done. Pretty sad isn't it!!!

 

Nail on the head - when you are not at your day job. Does your wife get a set lunch hour, time to plan out meals, time to sit cook something totally healthy and low cal/fat or is it sometimes so busy running around that she grabs junk food so she has time to do the shopping, kids stuff, house work etc

 

Perhaps at the end of the day she might need an energy boost - perhaps and I do not know but is she comfort eating like I said before because she knows you do not like her being slightly heavier than before, that she might just seek solice in food?

 

She lost the weight before great, however maybe the stress and struggle of that made her UNhappy so she actually is more happy with herself now, more free and not worrying everyday.

 

Sorry but losing weight, keeping it off is not simple or easy.

 

As a thought I exercise 4times a week, I rarely eat take away and never eat fried foods, yet I have put on a couple of pounds and inches, figure that one out - so I exercise too lose weight but don't - we are all built differently some losing weight, remaining at a constant weight comes easy however for alot it does not.

 

You had your kids, however it is her body that has too go through the battle of getting rid of post baby fat.

 

And don't forget that as we get older it gets harder to lose weight as our metabolisms slow down.

 

Also our bodies do change, so expecting her to be like she was 10yrs ago or whatever is just wrong.

 

You are pushing your views of what you want on to her, she might want a greek god with 12pack rippled tummy but has settled for the love (mmm) of her husband and accepts that our bodies do change over the years whether we like it or not. So should you.

 

However being healthy and exercising is something families should encourage their kids to do, so think outside the box something you can all get involved in at the weekends, get a trampoline in your garden, go swimming together.

 

Do not get annoyed with us, we are all just trying to show you other views and ways to think about your situation.

 

It just is not as easy as husband clicks his fingers now I am thin once more, we are trying to show and explain what is perhaps behind some of this to gain a wider perspective.

[LivA79]

T2BS, what do you think she would say if you let yourself go?

[LivA79]

I know I'll get flamed for this, but part of the reason I got divorced was because my ex let himself go and refused to do anything about it. It started with physical and then it was mental, and I just couldn't handle it.

 

Call me superficial, but I do think that if a person makes an effort to keep themselves up, and for myself, I have 3 kids, and they want to let themselves go, knowing that's what you like, it's disrespectful, in my opinion, especially if when you got with them they knew that's what you like and being together for 10 years or more, that's what you like. I mean, come on!

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with people letting themselves go when they reach a certain age or what ever excuse for letting themselves go, but they should be with people who don't care about that. Granted, you could say love is unconditional, but in a realistic world, NOT HAPPENIN'!!

[daisydufas22]

Here's the problem as I see it.......

 

1. I think you have issues that need addressing. Maybe counselling would help you. Being critical of others, often means you have self esteem problems.

 

2. You cannot communicate with your wife but you can 'broadcast' this on the Net? I think you may have other problems in your marriage other than your wife's weight. Perhaps commuincation problems.

 

3. I go to the gym daily and count calories but that's because it's important to ME! I have always done this but I have friends and a partner that couldn't care less. One think about being an adult is you don't always get your own way and have to accept that others have different attitudes and values. Maybe you and your wife has different values and attitudes to you.

 

4. Maybe (just an idea) she does not find you attractive either. There seems to be (as highlighted by you) a few communication problems between you two.

 

5. It's her body and if she wants to snack and gain weight....it's her choice. Yes, inform her of your feelings but at the end of the day it's her decision.

 

6. I feel very sorry for your wife. Why? a) Not talking to her b) your expectations seem high c) You are NOT being honest with her.....she does not really know where she stands

 

Are you criticial of your wife? Oh, sorry I forget you are perfect.....NOT!!!!

 

Final thoughts........ Get real! Talk! Accept others' decisions! It's only 20 pounds....... she might just be happy the way she is

[Try2BeSupportive]

Nail on the head - when you are not at your day job. Does your wife get a set lunch hour, time to plan out meals, time to sit cook something totally healthy and low cal/fat or is it sometimes so busy running around that she grabs junk food so she has time to do the shopping, kids stuff, house work etc

She has 3 whole days every week when kids are at school. Does that answer your question?

 

Perhaps at the end of the day she might need an energy boost - perhaps and I do not know but is she comfort eating like I said before because she knows you do not like her being slightly heavier than before, that she might just seek solice in food?

This is a circular argument - she gains weight over my disapproval of her gaining weight. Among the many flaws in this is what started it all?

 

And don't forget that as we get older it gets harder to lose weight as our metabolisms slow down.

Fact: metabolism slows at 2% per decade.

 

You are pushing your views of what you want on to her, she might want a greek god with 12pack rippled tummy but has settled for the love (mmm) of her husband and accepts that our bodies do change over the years whether we like it or not. So should you.

I am not on here complaining of the natural effects of aging. My complaint is directed at her obvious behavior changes - eating snacks and not exercising.

 

Do not get annoyed with us, we are all just trying to show you other views and ways to think about your situation.

 

It just is not as easy as husband clicks his fingers now I am thin once more, we are trying to show and explain what is perhaps behind some of this to gain a wider perspective.

I am not annoyed - hope you are not either. The perspective you seem to be trying to sell me on is that outside forces beyond our control cause unwanted pounds to unavoidably stick to us (especially women.. most especially mothers). And my experience tells me that each of us has the power of choice in how we live. If I maintain physical activity and eat well, my weight does not increase. I am responsible.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with people letting themselves go when they reach a certain age or what ever excuse for letting themselves go, but they should be with people who don't care about that.

Agree. For better or worse, I am one who still cares.... about myself, and about my mate.

[Try2BeSupportive]

To add to what Lindya said about couple's premarital weight counseling, maybe we should add for thinner or fatter to the part of the wedding vows that go "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health."

I guess my view on those vows you cite is that fate and misfortune should not diminish my love for her. I do not read the marriage vows as being blanket forgiveness for all intentional behavior changes that damage the relationship. A easy example is if I suddenly began to visit strip clubs... certainly not covered by the marriage vows. Or maybe a closer analogy to "wife's weight gain" would be if I decided to tatoo my face, get my nose and lips pierced, and started chewing large wads of tobacco. How shallow of her to find me less attractive - for better or worse right?

 

And for the OP, here's a link to info on weight gain & pregnancies:

Thank you, it is good to read some facts around the issue. I googled and found the article - I invite others to do same (so you can correct me if you feel I misrepresent the article) because here is what it says at the bottom:

 

Weight retention after childbirth may be the result of biologic changes, such as increased leptin levels, or changed behavior. Our finding of a greater decrease in exercise during the follow-up period among women who bore a child than among nulliparous women supports the latter explanation. We have no data on biologic changes. Low level of exercise was a strong predictor of weight gain in the BWHS, in accord with many studies.

 

[Emphasis added by me]. So the mysterious weight gain after pregnancy is caused by... brace yourselves .... changed behavior !! This is exactly what I have been saying for 2 weeks on here. There simply is no biological change that explains my wife's weight gain - it is her eating and exercise.

 

I don't doubt you think that you take on just as much of the responsibility of child rearing and household chores, but I would be curious to know if your wife thinks so as well. When one spouse is staying home with the kids, that spouse is going to be taking on the vast majority of those tasks/work. And often, it's thankless work.

She is SAHM by her own choice. I think she would agree that we both bust our butts 100% to keep the family going.

 

Have you talked to her about the decrease in sexual activity? If so, what did she say?

Yes I did. She told me she rarely thinks of sex, and that she is satisfied with our (in)frequency.

[Trialbyfire]

Btw, I think you need to lose 20 lbs, based on your BMI and my preference for men. I don't think you care enough about yourself, that you would allow your body to deteriorate to this level. You're simply not attractive to me because you're not perfectly cut.

 

Does this make you feel good?

[LivA79]

I don't know that he is saying he is perfect. He is saying that his wife is letting herself go. He maintains his weight, works out, etc., and wants her to make the same effort, not that he is perfect and he wants her to be as well.

[Trialbyfire]

His wife has the identical BMI as he does.

[LivA79]

Btw, I think you need to lose 20 lbs, based on your BMI and my preference for men. I don't think you care enough about yourself, that you would allow your body to deteriorate to this level. You're simply not attractive to me because you're not perfectly cut.

 

Does this make you feel good?

 

His wife has the identical BMI as he does.

 

If you have muscle, BMI doesn't mean jack anyway.

[Trialbyfire]

If you have muscle, BMI doesn't mean jack anyway.

So you feel it's acceptable for him to hold her to superficial standards? Is it all about what you look like? She's not unhealthy. She's just not the size she used to be and this, he finds unattractive.

 

She's also had kids and increased a decade. It's like a woman saying to a man, you're missing some hair. Go get some implants because I find you unattractive the way you are.

[lindya]

I am familiar with such (deceptive) tactics.

 

Hmmmm. Is it deceptive for you to present a supportive and sensitive face to your wife when inside you're screaming "lose some bloody weight so that I can find you attractive again"? Or is that a case of the desire to be supportive conflicting with the desire to have a wife who's in a similar (if older) shape to the one you found her in? I don't know if it's possible for a person to be truly consistent to all their values 100% of the time. We notice when other people are inconsistent, but we don't always acknowledge it in ourselves.

 

You mentioned something about her having attended Weightwatchers, and you also said she didn't want dieting to be her lifestyle. Have you ever attended a Weightwatchers session? I went years ago when I used to be obsessive about calories and dreary exercise routines. I was 140 pounds back then. I followed the routine, lost weight very quickly...but I found the classes incredibly dull and patronising. Fortunately the weight stayed off. I think it was just leftover puppy fat.

 

I'd also say that once I stopped obsessing about the sinful nature of certain foods, they lost their attraction. Similarly, stopping the dreary exercise routines and replacing them with fun things like tennis and swimming made life a lot easier. Now if I go to the gym, it's with the aim of improving my fitness for those things rather than with the aim of losing weight. It's a far better motivation. I'm not sure how you switch your wife back into that kind of mindset, but let me return to the topic of Weightwatchers for a moment....

 

Each class is supposed to last for a couple of hours, if I remember correctly. You start by being weighed (and depending on the class leader, get a "naughty girl" lecture if you haven't lost anything or have actually gained. It makes you feel approximately 7 years old). Then you listen to some incredibly boring lecture that seems to assume you've spent your life on a diet of pastries and chocolate.

 

If you have any awareness of healthy eating at all, then the lecture will tell you nothing you don't already know. It's very basic stuff. She'll talk brightly about how you can have some little chocolate bar every day, and work it into your "points". Around you extremely overweight people will make obligatory sounds of excitement and surprise. It's terribly depressing. It's bad form to leave early...so you sit through the whole tedious thing and dutifully add that week's recipe into your little folder. The pull of it involves the getting weighed bit.

 

Can you see why your wife might think "I really don't want to sit through this crap for two hours a week for the rest of my life." From WW perspective, they emphasise the "for the rest of your life thing"...for the very obvious reason of the weekly class fee. They're looking to encourage dependency on their organisation and they do it by implying that the moment you leave WW you'll balloon. Maybe that's why some people do.

 

Being slim and fit really does not have to involve some kind of punishing, boring, guilt-associated, carefully drawn up routine that's adhered to rigorously. It's really just about having the things you like in moderation and finding activities that are fun as well as keeping you fit. Maybe the activities you and your wife used to do together aren't so suited to a now 40 year old woman. I know that I used to be into the incredibly punishing circuits thing....then I discovered (by my twenties) that activities where the focus was on fun rather than on losing weight were actually far more effective in helping me stay in shape.

 

What kind of shared regime would you see you and your wife having? Would you imagine yourself drawing up a circuits routine for her in your local gym and congratulating her on meeting weekly targets? Let's say you had a game of tennis together. Would the emphasis be on having a laugh and helping her develop her playing style, or would it be a "properly structured games - no point in messing around with unscored rallies." If you went cycling together, would you feel irritated when she didn't keep up...or if she wanted to get off her bike and walk it up the steep hills? When you walk together, is she allowed to amble - and stop to look at things, or do you like to keep things moving?

 

You've talked about making it fun, but can you put that into practice? Can you avoid panicking or getting frustrated if there are days she just doesn't feel like doing the healthy routine...or times she decides to sit down and eat a pack of Doritos in front of the tv? Can it be anything other than "all or nothing" with this new regime?

[LivA79]

Can we not forget that he already said she lived a healthy lifestyle in the past, with the dieting, training, etc., and then she just decided to not do it anymore, but she also knew that he liked that characteristic in a woman. I'm sure he told her on more than on occasion in the past that he appreciated her efforts on keeping herself in shape.

 

If you haven't T2BS, SHAME ON YOU!!

[daisydufas22]

Deal with your own issues about weight and looks rather than avoid them and take these issues out on your wife!

 

Maybe you should show your wife this nice, little thread...... what do you think?

[LivA79]

So you feel it's acceptable for him to hold her to superficial standards? Is it all about what you look like? She's not unhealthy. She's just not the size she used to be and this, he finds unattractive.

 

She's also had kids and increased a decade. It's like a woman saying to a man, you're missing some hair. Go get some implants because I find you unattractive the way you are.

 

I understand that, but someone losing their hair and gaining weight are two totally different situations. You can't control losing hair, but can, however, control your weight. Now, if something happened to where she couldn't physically do something about it, and he was being this way, I think that would be cold-hearted. Fortunately, that's not the situation.

 

We, as women, should stand up, be strong, and not make excuses, i.e., having kids or getting older, for our faults.

[daisydufas22]

I am responsible.

.

 

LOL....... You run to the Net to braodcast your feelings rather than talk to your wife.......LOL!!!!! Too funny!!!

[daisydufas22]

I understand that, but someone losing their hair and gaining weight are two totally different situations. You can't control losing hair, but can, however, control your weight. Now, if something happened to where she couldn't physically do something about it, and he was being this way, I think that would be cold-hearted. Fortunately, that's not the situation.

 

We, as women, should stand up, be strong, and not make excuses, i.e., having kids or getting older, for our faults.

 

 

If it's important to the woman..YES! If not......NO!

 

We (as woman) have fought for equal rights....... we have the power to decide what is best for us!

[Trialbyfire]

I understand that, but someone losing their hair and gaining weight are two totally different situations. You can't control losing hair, but can, however, control your weight. Now, if something happened to where she couldn't physically do something about it, and he was being this way, I think that would be cold-hearted. Fortunately, that's not the situation.

 

We, as women, should stand up, be strong, and not make excuses, i.e., having kids or getting older, for our faults.

Wanna' bet? It's fact that it's far more difficult to maintain your weight the older you get. It's metabolic. If you want to spend a gazillion hours trying to pretend to be 20 something, that's your perogative and your satisfaction, when you do so. I find his behaviour controlling and would basically tell any partner of mine to piss up a tree, if they were ever to suggest I fix anything as mildly imperfect, as this.

 

She's trying but it appears to me, she's doing it for him. I personally wouldn't have bothered.

 

Having said that, implants are easy to get. Why wouldn't a man who expects a woman to be frozen in time, not want to please his woman and return to the man he used to be, frozen in time?

 

Btw, I have no children and am 32. I don't have a fight with weight and hope that my genetics remains true. But...if I had kids, I would also hope that my primary focus be on my kids, as a first priority and also, not have to worry about someone finding me unattractive, if I gain a dress size.

 

I personally find superficiality of this minimal level of difference, repugnant.

[daisydufas22]

THE ISSUE IS NOT HER WEIGHT......IT'S THE GUY THAT HAS THE ISSUES! I think that he needs counselling!

[LivA79]

I'm sure we can go back and forth about this all day, but the fact remains, for years and years, she lived a healthy lifestyle, which she was doing before they were married, which was probably one of the reasons he decided to be with her long-term. It's a preference that he had and she knew he had.

 

In all honesty, I really think if he was bald and she wanted him to get implants, he would do it, no doubt.

[LivA79]

He doesn't need counseling. He needs to tell his wife his feelings and remind her that it was one of things really appreciated about her when they got together.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Btw, I think you need to lose 20 lbs, based on your BMI and my preference for men. I don't think you care enough about yourself, that you would allow your body to deteriorate to this level. You're simply not attractive to me because you're not perfectly cut.

 

Your preference is duly noted - I am not perfectly cut, so you would not be attracted to me. My advice is that you not date a guy for 2 years, marry him, have his kids, wait another decade, and then tell him he has never met your unspoken preference. But if you do, at least don't expect HIM to change now at your whim.

 

Now on the other hand, if you meet a body builder at a show who already is perfectly cut, who has been living his whole life in a gym, who (like you) values his physical activity.... now many years down the road he forgets the name of his gym and he eats candy from your kid's halloween bags... I would say you are entitled to wonder why he is so different, and I would be surprised if you were still attracted to him.

 

It's like a woman saying to a man, you're missing some hair. Go get some implants because I find you unattractive the way you are.

This was already discussed. If this became an issue for her, I hope she would approach me on the topic kindly, having researched the issue enough to discuss the causes and remedies. (You do realize that hair line is 100% uncontrollable through behavior, while weight gain is 100% controllable through behavior?)

 

Hmmmm. Is it deceptive for you to present a supportive and sensitive face to your wife when inside you're screaming "lose some bloody weight so that I can find you attractive again"? Or is that a case of the desire to be supportive conflicting with the desire to have a wife who's in a similar (if older) shape to the one you found her in?

I cannot always control what goes on inside my head - this forum is an unfiltered view. Until very recently I have not discussed it with her at all.

 

Have you ever attended a Weightwatchers session?

No, maybe I should go to see what it is like. WW was entirely her idea, I am just trying to be supportive.

 

You've talked about making it fun, but can you put that into practice? Can you avoid panicking or getting frustrated if there are days she just doesn't feel like doing the healthy routine...or times she decides to sit down and eat a pack of Doritos in front of the tv? Can it be anything other than "all or nothing" with this new regime?

I am working on this (fun stuff), and I am patient. All I would hope for is for some effort really.

 

But...if I had kids, I would also hope that my primary focus be on my kids, as a first priority and also, not have to worry about someone finding me unattractive, if I gain a dress size. I personally find superficiality of this minimal level of difference, repugnant.

And I hope if you do have kids that your husband does not always put your kid's welfare above his own (or yours). That is pretty selfish really - to abandon your former values, and your spouse, just because you are now a parent.

[lindya]

I am working on this (fun stuff), and I am patient. All I would hope for is for some effort really.

 

You really do need to talk directly with her about this. I'm confident you can do it without the whole thing going pear-shaped and her self esteem getting shattered. Something along the lines of:

 

"You've probably noticed that I bought some bathroom scales recently and I've maybe been nagging you a bit about eating junk food. The truth is that I thought you looked amazing when you were lighter and healthier. I'd like to see you getting some of your vitality back. I'm not talking about some dull weekly Weightwatchers routine or punishing circuits every night. I just think getting out and about a bit more and doing some activity would be good for us both. Do you have any suggestions? Anything you'd like to try? Have a think about it and get back to me. I'm open to anything you want to try, but I really do think that a new activity would get a bit of fun and sparkle back into you...because it seems to me that you've lost some of that lately, and that makes me sad."

 

SNAG enough? I don't mean for you to present a lengthy monologue, but maybe you could just throw a few things like that into a two-way conversation where relevant.

[Trialbyfire]

Your preference is duly noted - I am not perfectly cut, so you would not be attracted to me. My advice is that you not date a guy for 2 years, marry him, have his kids, wait another decade, and then tell him he has never met your unspoken preference. But if you do, at least don't expect HIM to change now at your whim.

 

Now on the other hand, if you meet a body builder at a show who already is perfectly cut, who has been living his whole life in a gym, who (like you) values his physical activity.... now many years down the road he forgets the name of his gym and he eats candy from your kid's halloween bags... I would say you are entitled to wonder why he is so different, and I would be surprised if you were still attracted to him.

 

 

This was already discussed. If this became an issue for her, I hope she would approach me on the topic kindly, having researched the issue enough to discuss the causes and remedies. (You do realize that hair line is 100% uncontrollable through behavior, while weight gain is 100% controllable through behavior?)

 

I cannot always control what goes on inside my head - this forum is an unfiltered view. Until very recently I have not discussed it with her at all.

 

No, maybe I should go to see what it is like. WW was entirely her idea, I am just trying to be supportive.

 

I am working on this (fun stuff), and I am patient. All I would hope for is for some effort really.

 

 

And I hope if you do have kids that your husband does not always put your kid's welfare above his own (or yours). That is pretty selfish really - to abandon your former values, and your spouse, just because you are now a parent.

I see someone who's selfish but it's not me. There's only so much a person has inside them to give. Are you expecting superwoman? Someone who runs around continuing to meet all your superficial needs, while trying to balance a family? How much time do you put towards child-care and how much time does she?

 

What I see is someone who's willing to sabotage their marriage for a simple dress size. Let her go and find someone who can be mature, more accepting, someone who truly loves her for herself, get his head out mid-life crisis and start to put more into the family, than someone like you.