recently separated from wife.... ??

[confuzd]

hang in there mike, I have realized people will try their best to kill your hope.

 

hopefully some women will come around and give you some insight, for now just follow your gut.

 

She went from asking for a divorce to asking for a love making session. pretty big turn around, I do agree not to get your expectaions to high, but definitely it must feel good and should surely give you enough hope to fight another day.

 

Confuzd.

[Mz. Pixie]

Was hoping to get some feedback from Mz Pixie, LadyJane or other gals who have been through this with their guy? I'm wondering about my wife's state of mind with our encounter this past weekend and if it could possibly mean a spark has ignited with respect to her feelings for me??

 

Any thoughts?

 

I think she's confused myself, but that's just my opinion.

 

I think it's a great development!!! Perhaps she's seeing changes in you that she considers positive and it's bringing some feelings to the surface for you???

[PWSX3]

One thing you have to remember is she is going thru just as many things in her head as you have been, they might be different things but she is also on the rollercoaster ride, just a different ride.

 

I still feel that like your W they still have the feelings but they are buried & pop up just once in a while & it will also confuse them as well as you & that is why she doesn't make since.

 

I still think the best thing to do is give her the time she has asked, let her have time to start thinking, looking back at your marriage.

 

I was talking to my W the other day & she was telling me that when she first moved out the only thing she could see in me was the bad things, she couldn't see any of the good times we had together. Once she had time to be alone, start having to do things for herself & be alone for a while only then did some of the good things start coming up in her head.

 

Then seeing my changes & seeing that I was working at being a better person only then did she say that her feelings for me started to come back. Once those feelings started to come back I feel is when she started to call & would talk about things that weren't all that important I felt, but it was her way to make contact with me.

 

I wouldn't answer all her phone calls right away, sometimes I would wait a few hours then call her back & she would ask what I was doing & I would tell her I was at the gym, doing something with a friend, cleaning the house & didn't hear the phone, etc. etc.

 

Just keep reading, learning & doing what you can do for yourself & give it some time. If you were married for 15 years what is a few months??

[Mike1966]

Thanks for the feedback PWSX3-

 

Good point.............even though my wife and I are want different things right now she is as confused as me. For her, she just can't figure out what she wants in the future.

 

It is nice knowing that the feelings are still there, even though they seem to come and go. I've picked up my kids the last two days for school and nothing special, but we do get along well and the arguing has stopped.

 

I do struggle with being alone after all these years. I was a total family man devoted to his wife and kids, really didn't do much on my own anymore. I did work out at the gym quite regularly until about 10 months ago due to an injury, I'd like to get back into that but am having a hard time.

 

This is my first week really on my own. I bought a smaller, inexpensive home to live in but had been staying with my parents the last couple of months until closing so had always had someone around. The house is pretty quiet at night. I definitely need to get out and do something I'm just having a tough time figuring out what??

 

I have my kids every other week so when they're with me it's easy as I love spending time with them. Just need to work on the other times. I organized my house all week last week...............but put off going through boxes my wife packed to move us out of the house we sold. I now know why I did................I was bawling like a baby going through them, old pictures of her, me the kids.....when times were good. Man, I don't tear up easily but that completely destroyed me.

 

I've broken down during this process maybe a handful of times at most. First time was when my wife said she didn't love me anymore and wanted out. Then a few other times since for various reasons, then last night.............man it was pure hell. At the same time, I realize now that it is necessary. Especially if things don't work out for my wife and I.

 

I'm committed to continuing to show love and support for my wife through this. I hope and pray that she will find her way back to me. There has been this "guy friend" all along...................they've been too close for my taste and I do find myself wondering what is happening sometimes but, at the end of the day, I realize it's completely out of my control. If they end up wanting to see each other there's not a damn thing i can do about it. I love my wife to continue forward hopefully showing her that my devotion and love is true, regardless of whether or not she may make choices I don't agree with.

 

Thanks to all for the advice and support.

[Moving Forward]

Sorry, I don't mean to hijack this thread (especially after having read the entire thing!!!!).

 

But ... I have visited the DB site and can not find the stories mentioned below ... and I know I could use some hope myself right now.

 

Could someone either provide some links or more details on where to fnd those stories?

 

And Mike, hang in there bud ... I too love my wife and face the possiblity of loosing her. It is harder than anything I ever would have imagined and this nightmare has only just begun for me.

 

 

Here is what I would do if I were you, first you need some hope and inspiration. I would get myself over to the DB website and start reading all the stories of wives who have filed for divorce and stopped it or even went through with it and still got back with their husbands because through it all their husbands showed them unconditional love.

 

once you have your fill of hope and you see that your situation is not so uncommon, its time to start playing copy cat.

[Ladyjane14]

Was hoping to get some feedback from Mz Pixie, LadyJane or other gals who have been through this with their guy? I'm wondering about my wife's state of mind with our encounter this past weekend and if it could possibly mean a spark has ignited with respect to her feelings for me??

 

Any thoughts?

 

Sorry Mike, I missed this post last week.

 

There's alot of things that could be going through her mind. A woman's sex drive can also be somewhat hormonally driven, particularly just before ovulation and just before menses. So... it's possible that this incident could have been purely carnal. But.... I really kind of doubt it since it occurred on the heels of positive interaction.

 

I think the more likely scenario is some sort of emotional response, but again... there are so many possibilities when dealing with a WW's feelings that it's impossible to identify them to any specific degree. Emotions aren't necessarily logical.

 

She could have been feeling some nostalgia, or some insecurity at seeing how you're moving on in a new home. She could have been motivated by sympathy for your apparent loneliness. She could have been experiencing an adrenal attraction to you and the changes you've made. The possibilities seem unlimited.

 

With that in mind... I think I just wouldn't worry too much about it if I were you. As long as your WS isn't exposing you to STDs, and as long as YOU are comfortable with it, there's no reason why you can't treat SF (sexual fulfillment) as you would any other EN. So... if you're in "Plan A" and if you're okay with it, SF can be 'on the menu'.

 

The side benefit of SF is that it can be remarkably helpful to marital recovery because it promotes emotional intimacy for BOTH partners, and you each receive a deposit for your 'love bank'.

[Mike1966]

This week (Fri-Fri) is my week with my kids. My wife called a couple of times over the weekend...............basically she is lonely, probably more for the kids than me (definitely)............maybe somewhat for our family life. We ended up spending the evening together as a family watching a movie last night, then she called us up tonight and we went over and watched TV with her. No physical contact between us, pretty much just as friends. Possibly this is due to us not wanting to mislead the kids into thinking we are definitely getting back together.

 

My situation right now is this.............I really feel this is the first couple of weeks we have had a "normal" separation, after dividing assets when she moved to her apartment, I bought a smaller home and we sold our other house. So many possessions to divide and financial support decisions, most of which caused arguements and possible led us to early decisons to opt for divorce, several times.

 

Anyway, I'm okay with us getting together with her (me and the kids that is) and being friends for now, but at some point, we're either going to have to move toward some type of dating- something more than friends, as it's been difficult to be in limbo. We went to church this morning and sat together, me on one side of the kids, her on the other. One thing she said to me after church was that part of her struggle about thinking whether or not she wants the marriage is my family. She has never felt she has been able to be herself around them and be accepted. Part of this is my extended family's fault for being overly traditional and a little judgmental, part of it likely is my wife wanting to be in control.

 

To provide a little further background, my wife has always wanted to live in one of the southern states with a warmer climate. We live in the midwest with cold winters..................I mainly chose to live here as we have family here. She has ALWAYS wanted to move to this southern state ever since we've been married and I have resisted due to family. Realizing how important she is, I'd gladly move there with her for the rest of my life without hesitation, I just hope it isn't too late. And, I wonder now, if we did reconcile and agreed to move there, if in 5 years when my girls are raised, if she'd just end up leaving me then? So many things to think about.................anyway, I hope I get a chance to have a choice in the matter.

 

I did mention to my wife after church that she would not have to worry about my family ever again should we get back together, that I would protect her from them. We didn't talk anymore about it.

 

I guess I'm looking for a little guidence on how to approach this "friendship" thing with my wife? It is positive, since we've really not done this since separating, but a little awkward since we were intimate last weekend then holding hands when by ourselves the day after, now just friends. A little hard for me to deal with emotionally. I went back to her place tonight to pick up my sunglasses that I left when watching tv there earlier (she only lives 1 mile from me), thinking maybe she would want a hug, kiss or just touch my hand..................we were friendly and I played it very casual like I was just there to get the sunglasses and go. As i drove off she called me and asked me how I liked the show we watched and i told her it was cool and that I enjoyed it. That was pretty much it.

 

I guess I'm leaning toward being friends for a month or two without any effort on my part to touch her, and let her call me, not vice versa. This probably won't be as much of a problem for her when she has the kids, when they are with me she misses them and its hard for her. Part of me wants to set limits so she can't just see them when she wants............like when we were married or then what's the point of being separated?? At the same time, I really feel unconditional love is the way to go at this stage of our relationship, her experiencing love from me no matter what happens, so she knows there's nothing she will do or can do that will make me not love her.

 

anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble, your input is appreciated.

[tommyr]

Does she let you hang out with the kids and her during HER week (to have the kids)? Like you said it is possible (likely?) that she just gets lonely and prefers to be surrounded by "family" so obviously it is your week: either sees the whole gang or she sees nobody.

 

Her choosing to be with the gang is definitely not the same thing as her wanting a husband/wife relationship with you.

[PWSX3]

Your W wants her cake & eat it to.....

 

As long as you keep being "friends" she doesn't have anything to worry about, she can have her family, have you for sex when she needs it & still go home & be by herself when she needs to.

 

I would suggest maybe not being in contract with her as much, don't let her be part of the family when you have the kids, she has to realize what it will be like if you get divorced.

 

I know every situation is different but I feel my W found out pretty quick that being on your own isn't all she thought it was cracked up to be & that is something they have to learn on there own.

 

I also feel that most people that move out have someone else already or they get into another relationship soon after because they don't like that being alone...

 

I know you love your W but it sounds like you want to still spend a lot of time with her as well. I suggest that maybe you spend more time with friends, doing things for yourself instead of always waiting around for her.

[Mike1966]

As for me spending time with "them", the week my wife has our kids, this is just starting to be a possibility as I just moved into my own place in the same town as her. For the first two months, I was 40 min. away with the kids during my week while staying with my parents until our house sold. My idea is, next week when she has the kids, I'll see if I get invited to do something with them. I'm thinking I probably won't but who knows?? If not, it is likely that she just misses the kids and I have nothing to do with the equation.

 

I think part of my wife's desire to leave me was due to the illusion she created with this "guy friend" from our church. She was fond of him and I could tell thought he offered things maybe she wish I did. And, more than that, he was/has been fulfilling an emotional need for her since we have separated. It seems since we had our romantic weekend a little over a week ago, that she has lost interest in contacting him. Since I am now back in the same town as her, i can check and they are not seeing one another. That doesn't mean she can't talk to him on the phone, but strangely enough when she was doing that she ended up telling me about it. I think the more time passes, the more my wife has realized the fantasy that it was, and that I'm not as bad as she pictured. Who knows for sure.

 

You're right, I should try and spend more time doing things for me...........it's just been such a long time since I've done that I'm out of the groove. And, emotionally, it's been very tough to "detach" myself from my wife, not think about her...etc. About the only thing i was ever really into for me was weight-lifting which I plan to start but it has been difficult as I'm still going through the pain of being alone. For the first couple of months, I was staying at my parents and had company. Only in the last two weeks have i truly been alone. I think it's going to take a little more time to work through that.

 

Another thing that's tough, since my wife is only working one day a week at a part-time job, she is picking up the kids from school for me, will keep them at her apartment until I get off work, then i pick them up and take them with me to my house. I think if we divorce this will change and i will make other arrangements. For now, I have chosen not to rock the boat, as the past week or two are really the first time my wife and I have really gotten along well since we started our separation nearly 3 months ago.

 

I dunno.........it's a bit perplexing?? I have resolved not to call her, which I've done, unless it's something to do with our kids. So, I suppose I will wait and see if she misses me while she has our kids next week, or if it is just that she misses the kids. Sheesh, what a roller coaster ride.

[Mike1966]

My wife and I have been getting along pretty good, as friends rather than an intimate relationship.

 

She has been lonely when I have the kids and we have all gotten together a few times for TV. I have adopted the policy to let her call me rather than vice versa, and I'm only acting confident and friendly, no attempts to hold hands, be romantic, etc. I'm not trying to play games with her, as I don't believe its the way to approach the situation. Just trying to respect her space and need to see me as a friend before anything else is considered.

 

It's been nice, since we've settled on selling our home and I've now moved into my new place................it seems like all of the issues the first 2 months of separation that caused us to argue are gone and we can now just focus on living apart for a time. Who knows where it will end up.

 

She has called the last few days to talk and we just talk about things, as I mentioned, more like good friends. It's hard not to read anything into it as I still care deeply for her, but I'm trying now just to look at her as a close friend rather than my lover, which is tough.

 

I think the weeks that she has the kids and I'm alone will tell me a lot. If any part of her misses me, the phone contact or invitations for TV will be extended my way, if not I think that will tell me that she just missed the kids and I had nothing to do with it.

 

Thanks for the support offered here.

[confuzd]

Hey mike glad to hear things are going good for you, sounds like you have a good plan in place, and are following it well. One thing I noticed is that you are concerned about your wife just wanting to be around the kids and not you.

 

While this may be true, it also may mean that there is not another man in the picture, if there where I would bet she would probably value her weeks to her self a little more. Just something to think about on the positive side

 

 

Sorry, I don't mean to hijack this thread (especially after having read the entire thing!!!!).

 

But ... I have visited the DB site and can not find the stories mentioned below ... and I know I could use some hope myself right now.

 

Could someone either provide some links or more details on where to fnd those stories?

 

And Mike, hang in there bud ... I too love my wife and face the possiblity of loosing her. It is harder than anything I ever would have imagined and this nightmare has only just begun for me.

 

heres the link, there are tons of great success stories from men trying to get their wives back

 

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=455497&page=1#Post455497

[Mike1966]

Thanks, confuzed.

 

My wife and I have had some good conversations, one regarding the guy from church and once again, I know it isn't the norm, but there has not been a physical affair. An emotional one for a time, probably, but I know enough time was allowed for her to see that he's just like any other guy, has his problems and is far from perfect.

 

My wife called this morning while I was on my way to drop the kids at school and said I seemed a little distant last night?? I saw her walking while my kids and I were driving around and stopped to chat with her. I told her nothing doing and that talking to her was the most pleasant part of my day.

 

We talked more about our relationship which we hadn't done in awhile and I wish we had held off. It went okay, but I really wanted more time for her to miss me, see that I wasn't calling her all the time....etc.

 

She had lunch with a girlfriend from our church yesterday, great lady BTW, and I think found out that even though that lady's marriage looked great, they had many of the problems we do. Then my wife started talking about loving me, deciding to love me, but it having been awhile since she'd felt love for me - which I dont' think is totally true but she is an emotional roller coaster right now. I asked her if she did ever feel love for me, and she said she did, but in years past it has been her more working on how to love me better. She's a hard worker who was brought up with a strong work eithic, but likely has overdone it over the years. I don't require near the things she did for me and I think she's wore out, now focusing totally on herself.

 

Her other issue she mentioned was my family and their not accepting her for who she was. I asked her if those types of things kept her from "feeling" love for me and she said probably so. Anyway, I told her I didnt' want to make empty promises, but that she needed to realize that I have changed in many ways since our separation and that my extended family would not harm her or be involved in our lives if they could not accept her should we reconcile. It went okay, she cried a little, then we hung up.

 

I'll see her later today when I pick up the kids at her place after work but I just plan to be friendly, smile, appear strong with no reference of our conversation. I did send her a quick email earlier apoloizing if I upset her this morning but that I just wanted her to know that I understand her better.

 

Thanks for the support.

[Mike1966]

My wife called me from her job while on break, about 1/2 hour ago. Wants to meet with me today at 2pm to discuss us...................at first, my heart sank because anytime before this has meant to proceed with a divorce..............now, she mentioned her emotions are all across the board today and she has thoughts about us getting back together and telling our kids, etc. My mind is racing 1,000 MPH right now and I'm goin' freakin' crazy!!!!

 

Anyway, I've been in non-stop prayer since her call and would request any who pray here to do the same for me. Not only a prayer to God lifting up our marriage for healing and reconciliation, but a prayer for me to be strong enough to be able to move forward if my wife doesn't "feel" love for me. I think this is ultra important as if we decide to get back together and she doesn't "feel" love for me, I can see going through this again anytime up to and including when my kids are raised in 5-6 years at the empty nest syndrome. If we reconcile, I want it to last................I want to be "in love" with each other the rest of our lives and am committed to doing what it takes to make that happen, no matter what it takes.

 

Thanks.

[Cobra_X30]

Mike, you have my prayers!

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

I hope everything works out for the best. I will pray for you tonight.

 

I wish I was hearing those same things from my wife. Eventually I will, just dont know when.

[confuzd]

got mine for sure. Way to hang in there.

[frd150]

Ill pray for you mike,you too confuzed. Good luck!

[Mike1966]

Thank you all so much for your prayers.

 

Well................we haven't "reconciled", but we both decided that we want to try and give our marriage a chance. This is HUGE, as this whole time my wife has never committed.

 

We discussed many, many things. My wife initially said she thought about doing it for the kids to which I responded if she doesn't love "me" it won't be for the best and I don't want it. She agreed, if we don't love one another it's likely not to be a healthy environment for our kids to live in anyway.

 

There are still many issues to sort through, my wife is "deciding" to love me but say she still is not "in love" with me. She also said that she knows she could be, but there is baggage with her not having felt accepted by my parents and other family, intimacy issues, my lack of support for her in many ways, financial stewardship, passion, my temper...........long laundry list. She also knows she contributed to our recent demise. At least now we will be trying to build something new, not try to rehash the old hurts.

 

We are not talking about counseling for now but I'm sure that will come into play eventually. One other HUGE item of discussion was the "guy friend" from church, who my wife now realizes likely had a covert agenda with her and has finally been exposed in her eyes for what he is. I didn't get upset in the least when we talked about him, from her prospective, though she thought him to be a good listener and he was providing emotional support for her, she just thought of him as a good friend.................I'm sure his feelings for her were stronger than that. I did mention to her that I'm actually thankful because if it wouldnt' have been him it would have eventually been someone else, she agreed, and it could have been a full-blown affair. Other things came to light about him I won't mention but I will say it is now apparent that last thing our marriage was getting from him was support.

 

I'm still scared, but at the same time confident because I am a different person than when I started this painful journey some 3 months ago. My wife cried and just said she wished we could go back, I told her no way, I don't want to go back, I want something better for her and better for me and we WILL have it. With the help of God and advice from this forum seeing other relationships, though I've always been a "nice guy", I see clearly how I fell short of meeting my wife's needs and am SO THANKFUL to have the chance to build a better marriage with my wife using what I've learned.

 

At the same time, it's a process and I don't expect things to happen overnight. Change on my part has started happening, but it 's something I know I'll need to work on every day for the rest of my life. For now, my wife and I are going to maintain our separate residences, work on our relationship and try to move forward. I told my wife many of the things that came from our separation are so positive, she is happy and has less stress, is doing more things for herself - which she should as she was always doing things to try and please me all the time which wore her out, made her resentful and I didn't ever require. I think there was too little individualism in our marriage, time apart is healthly and I believe we were always trying to spend every minute together.

 

Anyway, a whole list of things I want to do different this time...........I'm just glad there is going to be a this time. I'm hopeful, though I realize the final outcome is out of my control. What is in my control is ME, I can and will change the habits that were self-serving and start getting into serving my wife and meeting her needs. She's a wonderful person................it's crazy to think I might have lost her, I feel like a selfish Bastard.

 

Thanks so much for all the advice and support, I'll keep you up to date!

[confuzd]

"applause":bunny::)

 

I hope you see that you didn't discover anything that you really didn't already know, the fact that she wanted to actually verbalize them is a great sign in itself. keep up the good work.

[Mike1966]

I really hope any who have experienced what I'm going to mention will reply as I'm perplexed.

 

My wife and I have decided to at least give our marriage a try. For now, that will mean we stay separated but that we are friends, talk and just see what happens.

 

My issue is this...............my wife has always been saying that she is deciding to love me, but that she is not "in love" with me. She says she hasn't really felt love for me for the past few years and it has to do with losing respect for me.

 

In her defense, I haven't made the best financial decisions in the last few years and we have accumulated some debt. It's nothing that can't be paid off over the course of a few years, but, the decisions were selfish on my part. Now, it wasn't totally me, she admits she had a spending problem, but, I okayed all spending and I'm the only one that worked outside the home, so she's viewing me as responsible for it. Plus, some of the $$ spent was totally for me and not my family. So, I understand why she feels the way she does.

 

We had dinner with our kids last night then she helped me pick out some flooring that I'm putting down in my new place. She called me that night to talk. Basically, it was a good-news/bad-news thing. Good in that she finally feels like I "get it" as to why she feels the way she does. Good in that we can talk about everything. Bad/Sad in that she doesn't feel love for me and doesn't know if it will return?? She feels for me as a friend, which she likes, but that's pretty much it.

 

We talked about moving back in together but i told her I was scared as what if the feelings, which is what she's basing everything on, don't return? What if when our kids are raised in 5 years she just leaves me again? I told her I really didn't think it was in our best interest, even though it would be better financially, to move back in together if she was not committed to making it work. Since she's basing her decision on a feeling that may or may not return to her for me, I don't think that's solid enough for us to move back in together. It would get my hopes up, confuse the kids if it didn't work out, plus I don't think a maybe/maybe not type of thing is truly commitment.

 

My wife does believe I've changed in many ways for the better, but still does not "feel" love for me. What do I do, other than just keep living, and praying, that she can see me in a different light? I told her "you know how I feel, I'm not going to push things or call but would love to hear from you when you want to talk or get together".

 

What about counseling at this point? I think she would be open to going but am not 100% sure. Also, there is a christian marriage weekend semiar called "Weekend to Remember" coming up. What about asking her to attend this?

 

I asked her about our weeknd 2 weekends ago when we made love and why she asked me if I wanted to make love to her. It SEEMED real, it SEEMED passionate...................how could she have wanted that from me if she had zero romantic/love feelings for me??

 

Advice is appreciated. I'm hopeful and glad we are talking as friends, but scared as hell that it may NEVER be more than friends again.

 

Thanks.

[Ladyjane14]

My issue is this...............my wife has always been saying that she is deciding to love me, but that she is not "in love" with me. She says she hasn't really felt love for me for the past few years and it has to do with losing respect for me.

 

"Losing respect"?... or 'dealing with built-up resentments'? These are two different things, Mike, although I can certainly see how one could misuse the verbiage. So, which one does she really mean?

 

As far as "deciding" to love you. Yeah... that's do-able. I'm just wondering if she knows how. (????)

 

What it boils down to really, is changing one's inner mantra. Essentially, you replace old, tired, stinkin' thinkin' with a more positive thought process. So, instead of indulging in thoughts like "OMG, my husband is such a dick why-oh-why did I ever marry this big loser", you substitute more positive imaging, maybe appreciating your partner's finer points or noting something thoughtful he's done lately. And above all, you remind yourself that "yes... I do love my husband".

 

That whole I-love-you-but-I'm-not-IN-LOVE-with-you bag 'o crap is just CHILDISH. Infatuation is NOT love. So, for people who truly want to revitalize their relationship, they have to leave childhood behind and EMBRACE mature love for what it is.

 

Mature Love rivals ANYTHING Infatuation has to offer. Sure, it lacks the excitement of those weak-in-the-knees-butterflies-in-your-stomach feelings, but... it's rewards are infinite. Comfort, kindness, consideration, acceptance, the occasional random "butterfly", and the security of knowing that no matter WHAT life throws at you, as long as there's breath in your bodies.... you will not face it ALONE.

 

Having experienced all that... there's no way I'd ever go back to something less. Mature Love is what we HOPE for when we first set up housekeeping with our partner, and yet so many of us do not recognize it when we see it. We let too much of the small sh*t get in our way.

 

The reconciliation process often reinvigorates a couple's initial Infatuation phase. Said couple will find themselves smitten with one another again during all the drama of fighting through the problems. But... Infatuation always fades. It is finite, unsustainable. So we come right back to the choice of endorsing Mature Love again, and those who STILL don't recognize the value of it, will fail at recovery.

 

I'm not sure how you can impart all that to her, Mike.

She has to choose for herself when it comes to "changing the inner mantra" and selecting Mature Love. On the heels of an extramarital attraction, where Infatuation may have been sparked for someone else, it might seem kind of a boring choice to her. But if she wants reconciliation, she's going to have to make some changes of her own. It's not good enough for her to stand on the sidelines and simply observe YOUR changes.

[Mz. Pixie]

Good post LJ.

 

If you agree to this living separately thing and just "dating" or "being friends" then please get her to agree to not to talk to this man from church anymore while that is going on. Both of you need to agree to not dating anyone, talking to members of the opposite sex etc.

 

You bet you should ask her to attend counseling. Have you been to marriage builders? They have such a great program over there to help you and your wife meet each other's needs so that she can fall back in love with you. I truly believe that it works if you follow the program.

[Mike1966]

Thanks gals.

 

You make a lot of sense LJ, (you too Mz Pixie!). I feel that's what I have for my wife, a mature love, at the same time with everything that's gone on the past 3 months I have the emotion of love as well.............I guess that is what she's missing.

 

I think she has a little resentment, and a little loss of respect for choices that I have made. We did talk a little this morning and I changed my tune a little.....................I felt like what was keeping me from agreeing to move back in together was fear of losing her in the future if she's not committed. I decided that I didn't want to live in fear and felt it better if we were committed to each other and living together trying this rather than apart.......................she said she didn't know, didn't want to share a bedroom, that would send the wrong message to our kids...............so, I think right now she is just thinking out loud about what she may want or not want.

 

I totally agree that in a relationship your emotion and feelings should not rule you no matter what you believe about marriage (spiritual or non-spiritual). If it is based on feelings, they will change.

 

Mz Pixie- the other guy from church is not a problem anymore. She has realized he likely had a hidden agenda when talking to her and that he certainly wasn't the neutral party he appeared to be. After many honest talks, initiated by her, she said the whole time she just thought of him as a friend but that, yes, he was a good listener and was providing an emotional need to her. I think it's good that she now sees that he's got plenty of faults, like anyone else. I'm actually kind of glad it happened in a way because at least in this case, my wife reacted out of hurt from me by reaching out to someone else but some other time it could have turned into a full blown affair, who knows??

 

Talking to my wife today, I think she's maybe a little disappointed in herself that she let her guard down the other day, letting her emotion get the better of her in thinking of reconciling, no matter what the reason. Now, it feels like she wants to kind of put up the "stop" sign for a bit and show me to back off, though I haven't been pushing just rather responding to her statements.

 

I'm going to try to continue limiting my contact with her, letting her initiate it. I do believe she still needs time to miss me. When I have the kids for my week, she misses them terribly. Maybe after time she will feel the same way for me as well.

 

I have helped her get a couple of job interviews, one this morning is full-time and promising. I think this would be a real plus for her and provide an outlet that she is sorely missing. She is very much a people person, bubbly and enjoys other people. Since she's always been an at-home Mom it's probably something we should have considered years ago.

 

Your input is appreciated. I'm still hesitant on how to proceed but will probably just try to play it cool for a few weeks and see if we can maintain a little consistency. There's a marriage retreat called "Weekend to Remember" coming up in November that I'm going to mention to her when the timing is right. It would do us a world of good but I think she needs to be in the right frame of mind to attend. Who knows.

[Cobra_X30]

Have you asked for forgiveness? Just as NJ said... she is sitting on a mount everest of resentment. Plus, she has a hard time trusting that your changes will last! Have you told her exactly why you want the marriage to work? Not just... Because I love you... but the things you love about her... ect.

 

You need to make her understand that you are afraid she will not be able to get over her past resentment and leave down the road... but that you think she is more than worth that risk!