recently separated from wife.... ??

[tommyr]

Dude, you are in a very tough spot right now and I am not trying to throw salt on your wounds, just want to comment what I see happening.

 

There should be no shred of doubt in your mind that the marriage is totally OVER.. DONE.. FINISHED! Even worse is this ending happened several months back.. only you missed it, she didn't. So right now your (ex) wife is 6 months ahead of you in the grieving process.

 

Hope you have some close male friends and/or a counselor you can talk about this with. If you are like me, the only 2 emotions right now would be ANGER and RAGE, unfortunately that is NOT productive to some difficult actions that lie ahead. I find a long bike ride / swim / run does wonders for tempering both of my emotions (anger and rage). Good luck and keep posting.

[Mike1966]

Thanks for the comments and advice.

 

Today was hard. I decided when I met with my wife this morning that I was going to give it one more shot, even though i said let's get divorced. I told her here's the deal...............I think we can still work through this, it's best for us, our kids.....etc., the stipulations are no more contact with this other guy even if he is a friend (he has an unstable marriage and contact with him is totally inappropriate), and we start counseling together (I've been going alone for 5 weeks) pronto to see if we can work this out. She said, nope, let's go ahead with the divorce so i laid out my plan to she if she was in agreement so we can just use one attorney and make it quick and painless as it can be for us and our kids.

 

As the day progressed we had contact off and on, mostly about dividing up assets and who's taking what from the house we sold. Even through her bitterness she told me that this guy is just a friend and that's how she feels about him. They like talking about health food stuff, etc, whatever............my wife just got a job at a new health food store in our area and who paved the way 'cause they made the effort to find out who, what, where, when...........ME....but no thanks for that. Anyway, I told her, still unappropriate for you to have that guy in your apartment, alone, given you both have marriage problems. I told her whatever, even if she wants to marry him later I dont' care and just want to get along for the kids sake. again she said he's just a friend, maybe so, but the whole situation was totally in appropriate. And as for the comments above, yes, being a Christian I suppose I shouldn't have lost my cool but Christians are people like anyone else, they just believe in Jesus as Savior and that he is the son of God who died for our sins................doesn't make them better or worse than anyone else, just is what they believe.

 

I still don't think the wife wants a divorce from me but is now mad enough to pursue it because apparently I'm some insane person who lost control because he saw his wife (who he's separated from) with someone in her apartment when she was supposed to be at her mothers, cars parked in an area so they couldn't be seen as easily, with a guy she is fond of and has respect for and they are all alone talking about each other's marriages. Sorry, the guy is lucky I held it together as well as I did.

 

We'll see where we land but I'm just ready for this to be over and start healing over the love I still feel for my wife.

[DavidB]

I feel for you Mike1966; I found myself in a similar situation this month. My wife met someone who "engaged" her and as a result I am moving out later this month.

 

In the end you have to decide what you want in this relationship, she may have held the direction but there comes a point where you have to choose what's best for you. It's a decision that is best made when you're emotionally stable, and not in the heat of the moment. I'm with you in spirit.

[Mike1966]

Thanks, David.

 

Your right, definitely not a time to make decisions, even now i wish we weren't moving forward with the divorce and would be willing to try but my wife won't commit and wants to divorce, I guess. Then again she waffles on things every other day.

 

Who knows.............i'm going to ride it out for awhile but for my own emotional health sooner or later I'm going to have to move on.

[Darth Vader]

Thanks, David.

 

Your right, definitely not a time to make decisions, even now i wish we weren't moving forward with the divorce and would be willing to try but my wife won't commit and wants to divorce, I guess. Then again she waffles on things every other day.

 

Who knows.............i'm going to ride it out for awhile but for my own emotional health sooner or later I'm going to have to move on.

 

 

Even Christian people can/do have affairs, only when they do it, they lose their witness for Christ! It's not your fault that your wife's cheating. She says they're just friends? Nope, she banging the other guy. Cheaters use the same old line, "we're just friends". About how long would you say they took to answer the door(minute wise)? What do you mean by "they still looked sheepish"? Did they smell like they had sex? They say there is a smell. I'm being serious about all of this. I suggest that you protect yourself finanally, or your wife will take you to the cleaners. I never asked you, is your wife a Christian? Your daughters may be fed lies by your wife, remember that. Children aren't dumb, they'll see who the real parent is, just be prepared to move on!

[Mike1966]

Darth,

 

Trust me..........I'm wide awake in respect to how I see my wife and there are no blinders on anymore.

 

In real time, as I carefully think it over, it took them about 15-20 seconds to get the door open. That it was locked in the first place is alarming. I do know my wifes reactions pretty well.........no it didn't smell like sex.....I checked and she had her bra on........her hair wasn't messed up.........after my talks with her yesterday I honestly don't think they are having sex "yet", but if this "friendship" continues they may end up that way.

 

With everything my wife and I have gone through, the last thing she is thinking about is sex right now. This other guy has had a lousy marriage for years and to be blunt my wife is very pretty and he's not much to look at so he would definitely be "marrying up" if he got my wife. Right now, I believe he has her thinking he wants her friendship and enjoys her company............deep down I'm sure he wants her, period.....maybe not even for sex, maybe to marry her. Funny thing is my wife is very hard to please and keep happy, I've known her alot longer than him.........no way could he do the job from what I see.

 

I led my wife to the Lord before we were married over 15 years ago. Yes, christians have affairs like anyone else. That's the thing I told them both the other night "do you really think if you are both experiencing marital problems and are members of the opposite sex you should be meeting together privately to discuss them?" What I say doesn't matter, my wife likes the guy, apparently as a friend, whatever. The other night they would have done anything to justify them being able to be in that apartment alone....................even though I was upset and my voice was raised often, what I said was true in that he had no business being there.

 

When I try to be objective and unemotional about this, which is hard, deep down, I don't believe my wife has slept with this guy nor do I even believe she really wants to. One of her issues with me is that, while she liked sex with me (alot, I thought), she didn't think we were inimate or romantic enough.........common problem between men and woman. She isn't about sex, that's for sure. Deep down, I think this guy probably thinks he's just being a friend but no matter who says what a relationship like this is ripe for an affair to evolve.

 

When my wife and I met early in the day yesterday to discuss the divorce details she said "I really want to focus on the kids right now", and mentioned since i'd be paying her 50% of my salary for 2 years in the settlement she didn't think she'd work. I'm like, "wait a minute, you're living in the apartment now, maintenance free, the kids will be in school, I'll have them ever other week for a full week at a time, what will you be doing?" I told her "well, I'd like to focus on the kids to on a full-time basis but I have to go to work Monday, life's a real bummer".

 

Then, she calls me last night and says she did get hired at the health food store, it's only part time for not much but she's going to do it. Then also said a department store was hiring and she was going to apply there and that she just wanted me to know that any xtra $$ she received was going to be paid on debt. I was like "okay, but you don't have anything to prove to me, you can do what you want". Why the hell did she call me and tell me that? Why does she care? Night before last when I caught her alone with this other guy tore my heart out, then yesterday, after we decided to divorce, I started being okay with the fact that I was going to move on. Then, as the day goes forward and I realize she likely didn't sleep with this guy and only wants friendship from him (even if he wants more), and, the way she's talking to me tells me deep down she likely really still cares for me, I start not wanted to go through with this divorce.

 

I hate making decisions when I'm emotional but am not sure if i want to put the brakes on this divorce. I still love my wife and will have to get over her, which I know I can do in time, but it's tough to move on when you still get the feeling that with a little time there may be a chance. If I hadn't caught her with her "friend", the other night, we would still be talking, getting together once in awhile..................we actually had been getting along pretty well this past week and seemed like we were finally on our way to developing a friendship without focusing on past mistakes, which is the first step to a new relationship.

 

Any advice on this situation is appreciated.

[Darth Vader]

Ok' from the way you put it, your wife's "High Mantinance" (I know I spelled it wrong, bear with me!) She got a part time job!? Oh yeah! She's really pulling the wool over you eyes, BIG time brother! You know she can't support herself on a part time job, let alone 2-3, or is it 10 children? She wants to stay home to meet up with OM, perhaps even to sleep whith him. Why are you gonna pay for her affair, anything? No consequences for her actions, means no motivation for change! She's in what's known as affair fog! While in this fog a person can't see the amount of damage and destruction they're doing to the BS(Betrayed Spouse). They'll even justify their actions of having an affair, and blame the BS for their own actions(like Satan does). They also bring up stuff that you did in the past,(wrong doing) everyone has a past, right? I would lawyer up, go for sole custody, in the very least, go for joint custody, so you don't have to pay child support. Does your wife have any skills, job history? I'm trying to help keep you from paying alimony for the next 60 years for her affair!

 

Gunny could answer your questions better than I could, hmmmm, Gunny!

Gunny's a Marine, I dunno if retired, but, still he's a Marine, in more ways than you know! He's been through all the crap that a WS(wayward spouse) aka the cheater, has been up waist deep in the crap, pretty much like you've been going through. He'll let it fly, but, he knows what he's talkin about! I'll try to get him to tone down a little on the words.

 

HEY GUNNY! GET IN HERE! THIS GUY NEEDS SOME HELP IN HERE!

 

Now easy on the words gunny, He's a Christian, but heeds some serious info Pronto!

If that don't get him in here, I can still IM him to come, I'll check back in from time to time! Vader Out!

[lysne]

Hi Mike, sorry to hear about these developments. It seems that with your wife's "one foot in, one foot out" mentality, you are going to have to make a personal decision about what you really want (and what you can live with) in order to go from here. Best wishes.

[Mike1966]

Thanks, everyone.

 

Who knows about the affair.................I know my wife pretty well and don't think she really likes him as more than a friend but I'm getting to the point I don't care, either. We talked today and are definitely moving forward with the divorce.

 

I now need a couple pieces of advice...

 

First.........here is the divorce scenario we will present to OUR attorney sometime this week....we have two kids, ages 13 & 14

 

• she gets 50% of my net pay for 2 years starting next month
  
• she gets 28% of my net pay for years 3&4 (until my oldest daughter turns 18
  
• she gets 14% of my net pay for year 5
  
• if my wife has a live-in or marries during the first 2 years, it reduces to child support only
  
• if my wife wants to work during the first two years she can keep her paycheck..........I really don't care
  
• I get the kids one week, she gets them the next......joint custody
  
• Thus ends my financial support

The dynamics I'm dealing with are the fact that my wife has no college degree and has never worked since we've been married for 15 years. So, from what I hear, this is fair as if she wanted to get a bachelor's degree I may have to pay her maintenance for up to 4-5 years or maybe more. As far as child support, the statute in my state is 28% for 2 kids until age 18. We are splitting all assets and debt 50/50. I will cover her health insurance until she gets full time work.

 

I now need advice on how to remain "friendly" with my wife but not be friends with her, make sense? She has been calling me during the time we've been separated and it plays with my emotions. As I told her today, she's likely been planning this for 6-12 months, but I've only known about it for 1-2 months. I'm still in love with her, she is attractive with a nice body.............i've never fantasized about anyone and have been totally satisfied with her...............so, while I need to emotionally move on I really don't know what boundaries to set up for myself so i can keep my sanity and mental health. I realize I will go through more pain, especially when she starts dating someone, but I have to start thinking of ways to deal with it and prepare for it so I can move on.

 

Thanks,

[Darth Vader]

Why are you gonna pay child support if you're going joint custody? That just don't sound right to me, I dunno.

[Reckless]

i don't know about financial settlements but I was wondering why so fast? 1 -2 months is breakneck speed for a divorce (heck even Hollywood celebrities take longer) and it seems to me you are making decisions that will affect you in 2, 4, 5 years time very quickly.

 

As for your relationship, from where I stand it depends on what you really want and even that will change as you move through the grieving process; can I be perfectly frank here, I think you could get your wife back IF you wanted to. I personally would find that kind of character hard to live with but she is working on anger and hoping the momentum will propell her all the way through the process without having to

 

a) suffer too much (since you are basically agreeing to pay for her life and upkeep as long as she wants; you helped her find a flat, job all you didn't do is put her on your shoulder and burb her)

b) think too much (she is "excited" and enjoying the freedom - and attention from another man) and she can boo hoo her part of responsibility for the break down of the marriage

 

IF you slowed things down, had a seperation of 6months or so, were strictly business with her and found your bearings, then I think you could come to a divorce with a clear head. They say the opposite of love is not hate (or anger) but indifference and when you can sit down, wish her well and smile serenenly knowing, as is the fact, that you have no right to tell her who she receives in her OWN home then you will be ready to move on.

 

As for the practicalities of interacting her in a civil way, you seem like a fine and principled man and despite your burst of understandable anger I am sure you will act in an adult manner with her as you have done. Only time can stop it hurting.

 

If you want to "win" her back, be kind and attentionate, phoning her just to see if she is okay and offering friendship and support. If you want to give it up then be polite only discuss the children and keep all conversations and interactions businesslike refraining from giving personal details of your life and cutting her short when she tries to share some of hers.

 

I hate to say give up, but the speed is totally forcing your hand so maybe the point is moot.

[Mike1966]

Because of me losing my temper the other night she now wants to move forward with the divorce. In the past 2 days I have asked her if this is what she really wants and she said yes so I don't think I could stop it if I wanted to now.

 

As for the other guy............we talked today.........to many conversations to write about today with my wife, other guy....etc. Suffice to say that now I'm 100% sure there is no affair. The guy has had a shaky marriage but had a pretty good weekend with his wife...........we talked in depth about my wife and her emotional state, which he witnessed firsthand even amongst my anger the other night. He apologized for being there and totally agreed with me that it was inappropriate even though he only dropped by to fix my wifes computer. Anyway, my wife called me today and asked me to call the guy about a couple of things rather than her call him................anyway I know it has nothing to do with him now.

 

My wife called me a couple of times today to discuss a few things. One was about one of my kids pets.............I'm supposed to keep all of them which I'm not real keen on so I'm thinking it over. The thing is, this was after i told my wife this morning if she wants to move forward with the divorce that's fine but I don't want to be friends, have her call me and tell me about her day......etc, stick to necessary calls about kids or related issues. This afternoon when she called, tone of voice and attitude back to like we were married or close friends. I told her how emotionally difficult this was for me and to give me a break...............it's all been about her the past 2 months. She understood..................then told me about the job she was starting tomorrow, wanted to talk a little more, I help her answer some Q's on her W-4.............then tell her to get exact balances for credit card info for the spreadsheet I'm working on for the attorney and we can get together some night this week to finalize our plans then give them to an attorney. The last thing I want is to go in there unprepared and have some lame attorney tell my wife "you could get so much more".

 

As for the financial settlement.............I've talked to friends and acquaintences about alimony and support. In my state, support is fixed and for 2 kids is 28% of net income. Alimony varies, in my situation since my wife has not worked outside the home since we married, I have been told I could even have to pay it for 4 years or until she would get her degree. So, 2 years I felt was not too bad and I will be okay financially on 1/2 my salary.

 

I still don't want the divorce and would like to just have separation..................my wife is an emotional roller coaster, she refused any thought of stopping the divorce today then when we talked late this afternoon she talked to me in a way I felt she still cared for me. Man, this is screwing with my emotions big-time. I still love my wife and have feelings for her so this is hard enough. I don't want to divorce but she does so how can i stop it? If I contest it, she could get sole custody of the gets and I believe a better financial deal than she is accepting right now.

 

I'm meeting with her sometime this week and will see how it goes. From my prospective the ball is in her court, if she "feels" for me again and wants to stop it, I'll talk. Otherwise, I'm going to have to start shutting my feelings down for her or I feel like it's going to kill me or drive me to the emotional nuthouse.

 

Advice is appreciated, Thanks.

[PWSX3]

Funny how each time you start with; I still love my wife & follow that with; she still wants the divorce so we are going thru with it......:rolleyes:

 

I'm not sure how your state works but here I think you have to be separated for a certain amount of time.

 

You are correct, your wife isn't thinking straight & until she has the time we keep telling you she needs she won't think straight.

 

You keep talking to her so you aren't working on what you can do you are still trying to fix things for her...:mad:

 

Remember she can leave a MESSAGE & if it isn't something you want to talk about "YOU DON'T" have to call her back....;)

 

For someone who loves his wife you are sure giving up pretty easy, throwing in the towel pretty quick. I suppose if your car doesn't start & you call one mechanic & he said he can't fix it then you are going to through it away????

If you really "LOVE" her then why help her figure out the divorce, let her do the work.

Like I have said before you "both" need some time to think. You don't know what you want, she doesn't know what she wants so lets just throw in the towel & then 6 months down the road things change & then what??????

 

It took my W 6 months to think things out, it took me 6 months to figure out what I was doing wrong in our marriage, it is going to take longer for us to work things out "together" now that we are back together.

 

Just like my W your W has been unhappy for a while, you aren't going to fix it in a month & she isn't going to figure out what she wants in a month.

 

I guess if you are going to keep going forward with the divorce then you need to start saying; we "BOTH" want the divorce, quit saying it is just her because there are things you can do to slow it down.

[Mike1966]

You make some very good points. I suppose when it comes down to it I haven't given her the space she needs. It has been tough...........selling a house, moving her to an apartment, splitting up furniture..........etc, but, trust me, she's called me to talk as much as I've called her.

 

Your message spoke to me and I called my wife to ask her if she was sure this was what she wanted. I told her we could even have a legal separation rather than divorce and get the divorce later if we wanted. She is upset about the other night that I lost my temper.............and, i did say we were finished for good..........not my finest hour. I do regret losing my temper, at the same time she and the friend's actions were very inappropriate. She is mad that now I likely cost her his friendship......which i really don't care about.

 

She said we can talk about the possible separation later in the week but she doesn't know. I do have to admit I have spoken to some of my friends and my parents (who I'm temporarily staying with until i close on my home) about some of the issues I'm going through. My wife is concerned if we ever got back together that it would be too much to overcome and doesn't know what she thinks. She's kept everything inside but I believe that is mainly because anyof our friends or anyone she has spoken to tells her to work it out, so, she just quits talking to them.

 

I told her I just didn't think enough time had passed and that what if we got the divorce, then 6 months later decided it's something we both didn't want. She was upset I was interrupting her time with the kids and didn't want to talk about it right now. I did manage to tell her that all she had done up until this point is blame me for everything, and that she had not spoken to anyone or seeked any counsel on how to sort through her feelings. I've NEVER seen her this emotional or disturbed about anything. She's always been the type that knows what she likes and what she wants.

 

Anyway, thank you for the words. I don't know if when we talk later in the week whether she'll still be able to hold off on the divorce but I'm open to talking about it. It continues to be an emotional time so hopefully things can calm down and we won't have to communicate as much. It has just been so painful at times it's hard to function and I suppose i just want some peace of mind.

 

I do appreciate all of the feedback I've received here. Even if my wife and I don't make it, I think I've come further along than I would have and gotten some great insight about relationships and a deeper understanding of what things actually mean rather than just looking at the surface.

[PWSX3]

You ever wonder why God gave us two ears & only one mouth????

 

Just something to make you say; HUM!!!!!! Didn't think of that before, neither did I until someone told me the same thing.....

 

 

Again, calling the W & "TALKING" & you know she DOES NOT WANT TO TALK, she even told you she doesn't want to talk right now. The more you talk the farther you are pushing her away so "if" you want that divorce you are doing the correct thing.....your pissing her off!!!!!!

[Mike1966]

Thanks for the advice. I'll try holding off contacting her this week until I hear from her. This is all so hard....................now we have to enroll both kids in school this week, one Monday, one Friday, since it's her week with them she'll have to do it unless she asks me to. I suppose I'll let her call me if she needs me.

 

Since she is starting her new job tomorrow, the first she's had in the 15 years we've been married, is it too forward of me to leave a congratulations card in her vehicle? The last thing i want to do now that the door may still be ajar to not getting divorced right now is screw up again??

 

Any thoughts or pointers on how to proceed this week?

[PWSX3]

Any thoughts or pointers on how to proceed this week?

Let me see, she has the kids so I would go to the gym, listen to some music at home, start reading a book, (The Five love languages, His Needs Her Needs come to mind) go out with some friends, etc. etc...... oh & shut off the cell phone....

 

There are a couple ideas for ya!!!!

[Mike1966]

LOL...........you crack me up!

 

Okay, don't get mad, but, me being my stubborn, sappy self, I wrote my wife a short note this morning simply telling her that I hope her first day on the job goes well. i also included the $$ for 1/2 our kids school enrollment today. I figured, I won't call her, but hopefully something thoughtful won't be stomped on. I dropped off the note and money on my way to work before she left so I'm sure it surprised her.

 

She called me on her way to the job, first comment was, "how much money did you put in the folded note, when I picked it up it flew out all over the parking lot"..............I told her and she said she had all the money. Then, she did start talking about her job and how excited she was about her first day. We had small talk about the kids and school enrollment and I offered to help since she has the kids this week but told her to call me if needed. Then I mentioned that I'd love to hear about her first day sometime.............maybe later in the week if she has some time but I'll let her decide whether or not she wants to call.

 

So........maybe she'll decide to move forward with the divorce, who knows? I do realize I had a mental lapse over the weekend and lost the commitment and drive I had to offer her unconditional love. At the same time, when any man see's his wife alone in an apartment when the wife said she was going somewhere else (not to mention the fact that she is separated from her husband), and the husband has already been suspect of the friendship being more and actually mentioned it to both of them yet they still think it's okay to be alone together................I shouldn't have lost my temper but it was totally inappropriate that they were alone together.

 

I will mention that the guy and i spoke yesterday and he totally apologized to me, saw my point of view and said even if she wanted to be friends with him he understood that him being there without me around was inappropriate and it wouldn't happen again. He's married, too, and has had problems but I guess he said they had been improving as of late so all the better. I'm as satisfied at this point as I can be that nothing happened or has been happening. I suppose sometimes your mind can race and appearances can totally be deciving. At the end of the day, I need to be able to control my temper better no matter what happens.

 

Well, I will take the advice offered on giving my wife time without me calling her. I think I'm going to shut my cell phone off in the evenings because every time she calls I answer..............i can't force myself to let it go to voice mail. I keep thinking, maybe this will be the call where she's crying about the mistakes and what has happened and that she still loves me and wants to work it out..............tears me up. With my phone off, she can leave a message........I can check my messages before bed and if it's something involving the kids i can call her, of it's an emergency she knows my parents home phone # and can call it. Sound like a good plan?

 

Man..........I felt like in the beginning I had read enough about what she's going through that I would just keep moving forward with unconditional love, support, not expecting anything in return......which i don't. However, the whole "other guy that's a friend" thing really threw me for an emotional loop.

 

I'm open to suggestions as I feel I just barely got my head above water at this point.

[Darth Vader]

Because of me losing my temper the other night she now wants to move forward with the divorce. In the past 2 days I have asked her if this is what she really wants and she said yes so I don't think I could stop it if I wanted to now.

 

As for the other guy............we talked today.........to many conversations to write about today with my wife, other guy....etc. Suffice to say that now I'm 100% sure there is no affair. The guy has had a shaky marriage but had a pretty good weekend with his wife...........we talked in depth about my wife and her emotional state, which he witnessed firsthand even amongst my anger the other night. He apologized for being there and totally agreed with me that it was inappropriate even though he only dropped by to fix my wifes computer. Anyway, my wife called me today and asked me to call the guy about a couple of things rather than her call him................anyway I know it has nothing to do with him now.

 

My wife called me a couple of times today to discuss a few things. One was about one of my kids pets.............I'm supposed to keep all of them which I'm not real keen on so I'm thinking it over. The thing is, this was after i told my wife this morning if she wants to move forward with the divorce that's fine but I don't want to be friends, have her call me and tell me about her day......etc, stick to necessary calls about kids or related issues. This afternoon when she called, tone of voice and attitude back to like we were married or close friends. I told her how emotionally difficult this was for me and to give me a break...............it's all been about her the past 2 months. She understood..................then told me about the job she was starting tomorrow, wanted to talk a little more, I help her answer some Q's on her W-4.............then tell her to get exact balances for credit card info for the spreadsheet I'm working on for the attorney and we can get together some night this week to finalize our plans then give them to an attorney. The last thing I want is to go in there unprepared and have some lame attorney tell my wife "you could get so much more".

 

As for the financial settlement.............I've talked to friends and acquaintences about alimony and support. In my state, support is fixed and for 2 kids is 28% of net income. Alimony varies, in my situation since my wife has not worked outside the home since we married, I have been told I could even have to pay it for 4 years or until she would get her degree. So, 2 years I felt was not too bad and I will be okay financially on 1/2 my salary.

 

I still don't want the divorce and would like to just have separation..................my wife is an emotional roller coaster, she refused any thought of stopping the divorce today then when we talked late this afternoon she talked to me in a way I felt she still cared for me. Man, this is screwing with my emotions big-time. I still love my wife and have feelings for her so this is hard enough. I don't want to divorce but she does so how can i stop it? If I contest it, she could get sole custody of the gets and I believe a better financial deal than she is accepting right now.

 

I'm meeting with her sometime this week and will see how it goes. From my prospective the ball is in her court, if she "feels" for me again and wants to stop it, I'll talk. Otherwise, I'm going to have to start shutting my feelings down for her or I feel like it's going to kill me or drive me to the emotional nuthouse.

 

Advice is appreciated, Thanks.

 

 

Be very careful! She'll do a 180 on ya, and try to get more money out of ya, watch your back!

[Darth Vader]

You make some very good points. I suppose when it comes down to it I haven't given her the space she needs. It has been tough...........selling a house, moving her to an apartment, splitting up furniture..........etc, but, trust me, she's called me to talk as much as I've called her.

 

Your message spoke to me and I called my wife to ask her if she was sure this was what she wanted. I told her we could even have a legal separation rather than divorce and get the divorce later if we wanted. She is upset about the other night that I lost my temper.............and, i did say we were finished for good..........not my finest hour. I do regret losing my temper, at the same time she and the friend's actions were very inappropriate. She is mad that now I likely cost her his friendship......which i really don't care about.

 

She said we can talk about the possible separation later in the week but she doesn't know. I do have to admit I have spoken to some of my friends and my parents (who I'm temporarily staying with until i close on my home) about some of the issues I'm going through. My wife is concerned if we ever got back together that it would be too much to overcome and doesn't know what she thinks. She's kept everything inside but I believe that is mainly because anyof our friends or anyone she has spoken to tells her to work it out, so, she just quits talking to them.

 

I told her I just didn't think enough time had passed and that what if we got the divorce, then 6 months later decided it's something we both didn't want. She was upset I was interrupting her time with the kids and didn't want to talk about it right now. I did manage to tell her that all she had done up until this point is blame me for everything, and that she had not spoken to anyone or seeked any counsel on how to sort through her feelings. I've NEVER seen her this emotional or disturbed about anything. She's always been the type that knows what she likes and what she wants.

 

Anyway, thank you for the words. I don't know if when we talk later in the week whether she'll still be able to hold off on the divorce but I'm open to talking about it. It continues to be an emotional time so hopefully things can calm down and we won't have to communicate as much. It has just been so painful at times it's hard to function and I suppose i just want some peace of mind.

 

I do appreciate all of the feedback I've received here. Even if my wife and I don't make it, I think I've come further along than I would have and gotten some great insight about relationships and a deeper understanding of what things actually mean rather than just looking at the surface.

 

 

Does your wife even understand how inappropriate it was/is to have another man there alone with her in the same place? Did you even ask her? Did you ask her how would she feel if she went over to your place only to find another woman over there? I can guess her reaction! Ask HER that question, and see how she answers, and her reaction. Then you can tell her that's how you feel! Do this at the right time, of course!

[Mike1966]

Unfortunately all the focus right now is on my shortcomings.........like my temper the other night. At the least, the guy and I talked and he totally understood my prospective and said given the same circumstances he would have reacted the same way. Maybe if my wife and he ever talk again, in an appropriate setting, he can tell her as she'd likely listen to him better than me right now.

 

Long day today, a few converstions with my wife. We were working on cleaning out the house we're selling after I finished work tonight. I had written her another short note to leave in her vehicle after work but she was there when i pulled up so I was busted and just gave it to her. Then we went to the house to clean.

 

While there in the basement working, I told her how much I missed her today. She started tearing up and wanted to know what I missed..........told her all of it......looking into her eyes, smell of her hair, the way she walked, holding her hand, talking..........all of it. It was a very nice emotional moment and I know she missed the same things but at the same time is still very hurt.

 

She did bring up my temper from the other night and the fact that the other guy remained so calm while I was telling my wife to shut up and he just calmly asked her..............what a great guy! (NOT).............she still has no idea how inappropriate their being together alone was and tonight was not the time to discuss it with her. She told me she enjoyed his friendship, they liked talking about the same things......etc., he got many browny points in the discussion. She did say he was just a friend and that I needed to trust her and realize that so i said okay.

 

She then said when she was flying back on a plane a few weeks ago from seeing her sister a pilot was traveling next to her, hitting on her, ended up finding out the name of our town and her last name, wanted her phone number and he even found out the number and left a message on our answering machine. her point being, he was nice looking and she would have likley been more interested in him than the friend but she doesn't want either one as a boyfriend or to replace me.

 

We talked about many, many things and at the end decided it would be good to just start as friends for now and see where it goes..........no divorce, no plans to reconcile, just try to be friends, interact as much as we want and see how we get along. She told me she would tell me if she thought it was over then we could move on. So, my choices are at this point to get back on the "unconditional love" train and try to show her how much I really do care and how much i am and can change in the future. At the same time, I know she said just friends but I can tell down deep she still loves me she is just hurt by things that I have done that have culminated to this wall she's built. I admit i haven't been perfect but on balance have really treated her good.

 

She called me again on my drive home thanking me for the letter I wrote. I told her, i didn't write it to get a response. I just wanted to tell her how I felt and not play games..............if it ever ends i want her to know exactly how I feel for her and that I understand. She appreciated it. She brought up last night that it may be hard if we did reconcile because of many of our family and friends knowing of the details during our separation............I told her in my note not to worry, I would protect her and if they didn't accept her back and love her unconditionally we just wouldnt' see them anymore..........she's that important to me.

 

We then talked about some videos they had rented and laughed a little. I feel that I need to have confidence in our friendship from now on and not be apprehensive when around her but full of live, laughing, having fun and at the same time being very sensitive to her feelings and needs. i do believe we still have a chance but for it to work long term she is going to have to forgive and forget the past and I don't know if she can or in her words "whether or not she will be able to trust me with her feelings again".

 

I'd rather put my heart and soul into it for a few months knowing she may ultimately reject me rather than not give it my all and wonder if I could have done more to save my marriage and win my true love back.

 

Any comments or advice are appreciated. Also...................no joke, anyone know a good place to start for dealing with a temper? Mine isn't as bad as some but the other night when I walked in on the "friends" it would have been so much more effective to just shake my head in disgust, tell them I'm disappointed, then turn around and leave. Let's face it, if my wife ever wanted to be with another man I can't stop her and need to face that fact, trust her until I'm proven otherwise and calm down.

 

Peace,

[Mike1966]

My wife and I met at our house two days ago moving the last piece of furniture to her apartment. We had a pretty nice time...................she even called me "hon" once when asking me to do something and didn't wince when she said it. We spoke a little more at her apartment, ate some food and talked a little more, nothing big but go along good. I did try to mention a few things I had been thinking of when I left, about a dream I had about holding her................no reaction from her, oh well.

 

Yesterday, my wife was a little upset about our pets. We have 2 dogs to care for that are at the house we're selling, I've been feeding watering them on the way into work, she takes care of them at night. Well, it was tremendously hot yesterday and neither of us put them indoors. She was really upset as she is a real animal lover. I love them to but not with the passion that she does. Anyhow, it was kind of a good thing in the end because it brought on more conversation about other things.

 

I asked my wife if she was okay, I still felt she was stressed about things and the separation was supposed to alleviate her stress. She kept saying she was okay but in reality I knew there was something.

 

I'll try to be brief.............basically she feels like I have not supported her in pursuing her ideas or dreams our whole married life. She's right, I always had excuses about lack of money, not good for family life...etc. I was negative about it. She also told me no way in hell has this ever been about another man and that there just isn't anyone else nor is she looking. Even our friend I mentioned a few posts back that she had over to her apartment. She likes him as a friend because he encourages her about her ideas..............like I should have been doing our whole married life (and have resolved to do, no matter what). Anyway, it pained me to hear the hurt I'd caused but I listened. She cried much of the time. I did have peace that there has never been anyone else and that this had nothing to do with that. My wife is very pretty and this coupled with her spunky personality has always drawn men to her, and I've been the jealous type but I'm going to trust her and get victory over it.

 

Right now, she has the opportunity to go out of state, maybe for even up to 1 month to help someone open a business...................I told her no matter what it takes we would make it work and that I totally want to support her doing this if it's what she wants. I think I have hindered our marriage at times wanting it to be "traditional" in the sense of Dad/Mom home every night weekened, dinner at home nights....routine........kind of like Ozzie and Harriet, ya know?? I've needed to realize that successful marriages aren't based on doing what other people are doing. They are based on finding that particular persons strengths then helping them to utilize those strengths to the best of your ability. I feel like I've thrown water on my wifes fire.

 

We had a great talk and finished the conversation fine. She's going to look into this opportunity and think it over but I'm encouraging her to do it. I did ask her if she thought she was ever going to be able to trust me again, forgive me and make it work.............she said she didn't know. I felt through our conversation that she still does love me but just doesn't want me to hurt her anymore, and I don't want to either. Hopefully, in time, she will see my devotion to making changes in myself, and see those changes from old character traits I had that hurt her. If I could pinpoint them right now I'd say they were selfishness, lack of emotional support, lack of encouragement, temper/responding to her inappropriately.

 

Anyway, I'm committed to keep working through this no matter what because I love my wife dearly and desire us to be whole again.

 

Comments/Suggestions on how to proceed??

[PWSX3]

Your story is a lot like most guys I feel, we are raised to fix things, when things are broke we fix them, if there is a problem we want to fix them & I feel in a relationship it isn't always fixing we need to do.

 

We need to be supportive & for us we feel that is bringing in the money, taking care of our family & we forget our wives have ideas, plans, goals that we can't fix we just need to support them.

 

As I have learned by looking back all the ideas & things I did the wife backed me up, she never told me that would be dumb or that won't work she just gave me the support I needed & all of my ideas didn't work but she never said; I told you so!!!!

 

When she had an idea I didn't back her up like she did me, I would look at it as; will this work, is that a good idea, etc. & I never gave her the chance to follow it threw to see if it would or wouldn't work.

 

You are on the right track, read, learn how us as guys are different then woman, we need to just listen & not always think we need to fix things.

 

As for you living with the white fence in the perfect neighborhood that is how I saw things as well because that is how my folks lived but now both spouses have to work most of the time & we rely on "things" to make us happy which takes money....

For me I had to learn that I needed to help around the house, for many reasons. One is the wife works a full time job just like I do, two if you help around the house that gives them more time that you can spend together if you want & there are others but you get the idea.

 

Remember give her the space she is asking you for, find things to do to take your mind off of always wanting to talk to her.

 

As for her calling you hon don't get excited because that is just a habit, something she is used to doing & probably didn't even notice herself doing it.

 

Don't get down on yourself, been there done that. We are not perfect & each person sees the situation different. I did this because of this & she did that because of that, those are just opinions & luckily everyone has one & we can learn from each other if we open our eyes & ears.

[lysne]

Now you are making progress. These are the kind of exchanges you've been needing to have. At last your wife is able to start telling you WHY she has been so unhappy. It's critical that you listen carefully and start showing that you understand her specific point both in actions as well as words - you have already started to do by encouraging her on this month-long business venture so good for you. It's very healthy for you both for her to open up and share this kind of information because it really builds trust.

 

I would, however, lay off on any questions about your long-term future together. You're pressuring her for a level of committment that she's not ready to give yet. And she won't give it until you've proved yourself and been through the wringer to her satisfaction.

[Topper]

Mike I have read over your thread here. you need to do a couple of things.

if she isn't will to go to counseling with you or al least on her own i would not put any effort into helping her. She blames you and so far has not taken any responsibility for her own actions.

Your being to wishy washy with this whole thing. Read what i wrote to confuse. You need a slap up side your head. you say you are 100% sure she did not have an affair. I will say right now she is not telling you the truth. She just dosn't want to be seen as the harlot by your friends in the chruch. the other guy is also covering his butt. I do think it has ended. She is out there looking. It sound like she is the type of woman that is dependent on men. you need to get tough and work on yourself for yourself and not for her or your marriage. good luck and keep going to counseling. I Know you are a christian I do hope that who you are seeing at least has a masters degree in therapy.