recently separated from wife.... ??

[Gunny376]

LJ? Have you got Michelles's 180's handy to post! I've had a crash on my computer ~ had to re-install Windows, and still re-building my files and folders. I think Mike needs to inject some reality into Mrs. Mike!

 

(Sidebar! You jokers and clowns that like inventing virsus for fun especially the +++++++++++++++ one, if I ever come across you and find out ~ it WON'T BE PRETTY AND IT WON'T BE FUN! Well not for YOU anyway! I'm going to have myself a ball wearing your azz out with a Louville Slugger!!!!!!!) :mad: :mad:

[Ladyjane14]

Yup. Right here:

 

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

 

And as an aside to Gunny... have you tried Mozilla Firefox? It's got a spell-check built in, pop-up blockers, and all that jazz.

[Ladyjane14]

You're being way too hard on yourself! Most of where you find yourself at when it comes to marriage and personal finance, is because you've never had it presented to you. You've had minimum exposure ~ and probally what you do know and understand you've got from your church and from family, or like most of us? A little bit here and a little bit there.

 

You ARE being too hard on yourself, Mike. Type into your browser "big boys don't cry reader's digest" and read the article you find there.

 

This one article opened my eyes so much.... just a 15 minute read in a magazine.

But what I understood afterwards is that while men are just as deep emotionally as women are... (witness the great philosophers and artists of history)...they're route to accessing their emotions is much more circuitous than that of women.

 

Just yesterday, my sweetie had a bad day. He was crabby, grumpy, and NOT worthwhile company. Yesterday he didn't have a reason for it, so I just gave him a wide berth. TODAY... he could identify it as a sort of generalized anxiety, the feeling that something bad might happen. And of course, we ALL have days like that.

 

But if I had elected to take issue with him, perceiving his "crabby day" as being somehow about ME, we would have had strife. Instead, I gave him time to sort it out, and when we talked about it today, I let him know he can bring it to me, (even when he doesn't know what "it" is) or, that I'm okay if he wants to be on his own sorting it out. Either way, I understand that he needs TIME to get to the bottom of it.

 

Anyway, this is something you need to forgive yourself for. When men get overloaded emotionally... alot of the time the initial feelings come out as anger or frustration. Once a guy has had some "processing" time, he's better equipped to identify his feelings more specifically.

[Gunny376]

Yea! You need to chill out!

 

You gave your best!

 

You did your best!

 

You gave all you had at the time!

 

All that you had at the time!

 

All that you had to give! All that you knew to give! All you azz had to give! You gave all!

 

Cut your azz some slack!

[Gunny376]

I maybe need to clarify my "attitude" for you?

 

I've beem through every "clime and place"

 

My personal attitude toward life? F**k it! I'm still alive! I'm still kicking! Still breathing!

 

I'm still living?

 

Still breathing?

 

Still sucking"air" ~ Life is good! In the End? That's all that matters!

[CaliGuy]

There's no shortage of men, but there is a shortage of hardworking, honest, law-abiding, moral, ethical, God-fearing, Go to church, "Stand By Your Woman" sober, non-cheating, non-porn watching type men that have a "Code" they live by, that put their woman and children before their wants and needs! And one that makes six figure income (2% of the population BTW)

 

Funny you say this, Gunny. I fit 99.9% of this description yet still have yet to find the right one.

 

Something's amiss. It isn't what you described above.

 

Maybe I'm just picky?

 

OT, I hope the OP reads "Love Must Be Tough" because that's exactly the book he needs to be reading.

 

Cheers.

[Gunny376]

Funny you say this, Gunny. I fit 99.9% of this description yet still have yet to find the right one.

 

Something's amiss. It isn't what you described above.

 

Maybe I'm just picky?

 

OT, I hope the OP reads "Love Must Be Tough" because that's exactly the book he needs to be reading.

 

Cheers.

 

 

You! Like I seek honor.purity, honesty ~ a brave HEART of a woman! An LJ, an Miss Pixie, a dropdeadlrgs and others!

[tommyr]

"You want out!" You've got it! End of disccussion! Don't call me about YOUR PROBLEMS!!!! As far as the divorce, the finances ~ here's my attorny's phone number ~ Have a nice life!

 

Honestly... I don't know WHY you guys keep falling for the "I need space" gambit. To my mind, it's jst code for "I don't want you going ballistic while I dump you". Sorry, but that's the way I see it.

 

Classic stuff here! Hope I never need this information myself, but it sure does ring true.

[Mike1966]

Wow,

 

I had a sleepless night, got up early this morning to check the thread and........................wowzers!!

 

I do appreciate Gunny, LJ and other's advice. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Not going into to much detail, one minute I feel pretty good............the next I feel like the aftermath of a bomb.

 

Many of my anxieties come from whether or not she's having an affair. There have been many things that point to the affair, then after I had her followed the weekend it should have happened, nothing. Still doesn't mean something could be going on or coming down the pike pretty quick, I know.

 

I admit most of my hesitation for divorce is more spiritual at this point than really this "feeling" I have for my wife. If I knew she had committed adultry, I could probably divorce her without feeling I did the wrong thing. I'm getting pretty wore out with all this and wondering how people ever stay separated for 6 mo, 1 yr, 2 yrs, and then end up reconciling. Any thoughts?

 

As for the financial part of divorce, I guess I may have screwed myself by starting the game and giving her 1/2 my salary the last 4 times I've been paid (2 months). I know what I proposed for a divorce settlement sucks, but, in my state you must trust me that if we "have it out", hire our own attorneys...etc, she would probably get more than I'm offering. Yes, by nature I am a pretty nice guy and easy to get along with, but, I suppose part of me is easing my way through this because I know if she wanted to be more of a B***H than she is being, she could hurt me worse and for a longer period of time.

 

Though I still hold out some hope, I realize there's a good chance at the end of the day that we won't make it. All of the recent posts...................yes, I suppose I've been a little to quick to accept the blame in my marriage. Yes, my wife is a princess who is used to getting her way. It isn't that I haven't had my vices during our marriage, but, I do feel like I've lived most of the time trying to please her which obviously I was not able to do. Most of all, I HATE it for my kids. I talked to them last night, they actually have handled all this pretty well to this point but my youngest daughter (13) told me she is struggling more than she lead on. Makes me really, really angry with my wife for being so selfish.

 

One of the hardest things through this is imagining what it will be like when my wife opens up her arms (and bedsheets) to another man. It literally drives me crazy. I've always thought my wife was attractive and had a great body............just being frank. Also, she has a very lively personality which draws men to her, always has. It may be difficult for her to find a quality guy but it won't be difficult for her to find a guy as she gets hit on when I'm not with her all the time.

 

It isn't that I think I can't find someone else though I guess at times I wonder what the dynamics of a new relationship would be like. I'm fairly athletic, take care of myself and I suppose I'm not a bad looking guy..................I just think about what it will be like??

 

I'm 40 so say I meet someone who's 30-40, probably has a couple of kids, an exhusband to deal with................it just seems like such a pain in the a$$. Don't mean to be having a pity party here but I look forward to meeting someone new about as much as being poked with a sharp stick in the eye.

 

As I mentioned, it's an emotional roller coaster. This forum has helped me to gather thoughts and vent which has been great for my sanity. Today, I feel like throwing in the towel and moving on.

 

At this point, what I'm leaning toward doing is giving it another month with as little contact with her as I possibly can. It will be easier when i move into my new house in a couple of weeks. At the least, I have not called her though I have to email her once in awhile about bills that are due and who's paying what, I just keep it to business though. In the end, one more month won't matter I suppose, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

 

Would I love to call her this morning and say "hon, ya know that welfare I've been giving you and am supposed to give you tomorrow when I get paid, well, you ain't gettin' it". At the same time, remember, I have a 13 & 14 year old that live with her half the time and the last thing I want for them is to have their mother stressed out, as she is a yeller and would likely take out much of her frustration on them. Don't get me wrong, she's a good mother and loves her daughters, but probably more of a friend than a parent, especially lately. She's a fun mom, but, if she's in a bad mood or the kids do something she doesn't like she can bite their heads off.................similar to what she did to me when we were married.

 

Thanks again for those of you who chimed in lately. I'm going to read the other threads you recommended...............the more information the better.

[Gunny376]

A month Hell! You'd best wake up! Your STBX is feeding your azz candy and telling you lies! Just that plain ~ just that simple.

 

You keep going down the primerose path your going? You're going to need not only a divorce attorney, but AN IRS, and bankruptcy one as well!

 

Take a fool's advice!

 

I'm all about Church! BUT it ain't worth a damn in court!

[Gunny376]

Classic stuff here! Hope I never need this information myself, but it sure does ring true.

 

At least you understand it now!

[Gunny376]

Lj and I?

 

We roll with Mr. Reality!

 

WE keep it real!

 

That's why she's with her first and only husband!

 

Me?

 

Mr Reality had to toss me under the bus a time or two! But, I've got nothing but respect for his azz now!

[Gunny376]

Forget what they taught you in basic training! I'm telling your azz what your azz needs to know in country!

 

Your azz is in the s*** now! You're up in a world of s*** NOW! Listen up! You want to make it out? You'd best wise the f*** up!

[Mz. Pixie]

On the day I confronted him... I suggested that we get some "space" from one another. I deliberately allowed him to believe that if he were to consent to giving me this "space" we might reassess the situation later. BUT.... in all honesty, in all candor... that was a feint. I'd have said ANYTHING to get him to leave. I'd have strung him along for as long as possible. And I'd have done it because I was just tired of fighting and I wanted him as CALM AND COLLECTED as possible while I extricated myself from the marriage.

 

That might sound cold-blooded to you. But that's not what you're thinking while you're doing it. You're only thinking about the EASIEST route to the exit.

The relationship is adversarial at that point. Your former spouse is your opponent, blocking your path out of the marriage.

 

Honestly... I don't know WHY you guys keep falling for the "I need space" gambit. To my mind, it's just code for "I don't want you going ballistic while I dump you". Sorry, but that's the way I see it.

 

 

I totally agree with what LJ says here. I think many women say they want space or a separation as I way to ease the man into divorce and keep the conflict down until they work up the courage to file or go down that road. I know that's what I did as well.

 

LJ and Guns- thanks for dropping in to this post. I really thought perhaps Mike needed your perspective!!

[Ladyjane14]

I'm getting pretty wore out with all this and wondering how people ever stay separated for 6 mo, 1 yr, 2 yrs, and then end up reconciling. Any thoughts?

 

I think returning to the marriage ends up being the most attractive option for the wayward in those cases. IOW, life on the outside wasn't quite what they had fantasized about and their spouse has left the door open.

 

I think if I were you, still interested in repairing the marriage... I'd cobble up a plan based loosely on Marriagebuilders "Plan A" and Michelle Weiner Davis' Divorce Busting (180's). You can get more information by typing into your browser, "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders". I would be pleasant and attractive, but I'd also be somewhat aloof and mysterious. I'd allow her to observe my changes from a distance, being less forthcoming and peaking her curiosity. I mean, seriously... if she's curious enough to wonder what you're up to on a day-to-day basis, she's going to make it her business to find out.

 

I'd become a very active guy. I'd go to the gym, meet friends for coffee, accept invitations to picnics. I'd take up a new hobby, particularly if it's something that's very physically engaging, similar to what PW told you about taking up biking. I'd be a veritable FLURRY of good-natured activity. It's not necessary to start dating in order for a guy to have a REAL social life.

 

You're buying a new house, right? Paint it, redecorate it, design the landscape, and get the girl's involved so they're excited and talking about it. Make them integral to your design plans. Give them latitude to paint the walls black with neon star-scapes or hang a hammock. Make it into a home. Children are attracted to the family "nest". Make it a tranquil, secure, homey place to be... and they're going to enjoy their time with you and want to be in your company.

 

You don't need a partner to be a good parent. What's more, focusing on being the best Dad you can be, getting involved in their activities and being part of their day-to-day.. allows you LESS time for personal angst. So, even when they're not with you, call them on the phone and talk to them. Talk about politics, books, movies, and not just the "how-was-your-day?" call where the pressure is on them to come up with something to talk about. Tell them jokes. Tell them about people you've observed picking their nose at traffic lights.. whatever. Just ENGAGE them.

 

But NEVER, I mean EVER... pump them for information about their mother. You want her to be curious, you don't want to allow her the satisfaction of knowing that you're checking up on her.

 

Meanwhile, I like the methods that were mention in the "Healing Library" article I told you about. It's contact on YOUR terms, rather than NC. If your wife contacts you... you're pleasant and attractive, but too busy to get into protracted conversations. Give her "the bullet" instead, the main gist of your thoughts, so it's concise enough to be highlighted in her memory. ie. If she wants to know if you miss her... yeah, you do. But you're trying to get over it.

If she wants to know what you've been up to... you've been staying busy and working on YOU.

 

Meanwhile, it's "hit and run" while you're poking pins in her fantasies. Don't stand toe-to-toe with her on financial issues or her "fantasy" plans for the future. If you do, you'll end up engaged in another argument and leaving a negative memory of her interaction with you. Instead, leave her wanting MORE. Say what you need to say, and then get the hell out of Dodge.

Leave her with a concise thought to chew on.

 

As for the financial part of divorce, I guess I may have screwed myself by starting the game and giving her 1/2 my salary the last 4 times I've been paid (2 months). I know what I proposed for a divorce settlement sucks, but, in my state you must trust me that if we "have it out", hire our own attorneys...etc, she would probably get more than I'm offering. Yes, by nature I am a pretty nice guy and easy to get along with, but, I suppose part of me is easing my way through this because I know if she wanted to be more of a B***H than she is being, she could hurt me worse and for a longer period of time.

 

She doesn't have to KNOW that you consulted with an attorney. She lost the privilege of being in your "inner circle" when she LEFT YOU.

Fact is... you've got two girls to put through college and you can't afford to let the person who "flaked out" do all your financial planning for you.

 

See an attorney and find out EXACTLY what your liabilities are. Seriously.

 

Though I still hold out some hope, I realize there's a good chance at the end of the day that we won't make it.

 

The same methods we've talked about above in engaging your wife's curiosity will also serve to help YOU to "move on" with your life just in case things don't work out. A moderate amount of exercise, a healthy diet, a sunny outlook, avoiding alcohol... these will actually help you to increase available serotonin in a natural way. Stress on the mind increases stress on the body. Couple that with your age, and your body's chemical balance can be easily put out of whack. So... if you're not making progress in feeling better on your own, do see your doctor. A course of AD's might be necessary to get you over the hump.

 

One of the hardest things through this is imagining what it will be like when my wife opens up her arms (and bedsheets) to another man. It literally drives me crazy.

 

This is wasted energy. Recognize it. There's not a damn thing you can do about it if your wife takes up with another man, save divorce her. Fact is, she sounds to me like a fairly stubborn individual, one who might have to learn things the hard way. It may very well come down to her needing to sleep with someone else in order to find out she's not missing much of anything.

 

At that point, you will STILL have a choice about whether you'd be willing to take her back or not. You are more "in the driver's seat" than you realize. Because she's not the ONLY one who gets to decide when enough is enough.

 

She's living out a fantasy. But fantasies do NOT hold up under the realities of life. Eventually, whether she admits it or not, whether she comes back or not... her life is going to get REAL again.

 

I'm 40 so say I meet someone who's 30-40, probably has a couple of kids, an exhusband to deal with................it just seems like such a pain in the a$$. Don't mean to be having a pity party here but I look forward to meeting someone new about as much as being poked with a sharp stick in the eye.

 

Your "cart" is getting ahead of your "horse" here. Just worry about YOU and your girls for now, being the best guy and the best Dad you can be. If and when the time arrives for you to move on with another woman, it's going to feel like a natural choice. You won't have all this angst when you're really ready.

[Gunny376]

You "rock" LJ ~ spot on!

[Mike1966]

Thanks LJ and others.....

 

Found out when going by her place this morning there's a 50/50 chance she was out all night. She wasn't there when I went by, not at her oh-so-parttime job (2-3 days per week, 4 hours per day). It wouldn't be uncommon for her to get up early, very early and go somewhere, but when she called me last night to make sure I didn't forget to put our pets outside on my way home, I could tell she was on the road. Only place she would go to stay all night would be her Moms but normally she'd mention it in passing and she didn't. And, one of my daughter's volunteered that they spoke to their Mom today and she mentioned a couple of things she did during the day yesterday, but not last night or this morning............................I guess I just won't know about last night but I'm very suspicious.

 

I know................I need to start occupying my mind with thoughts other than what my wife is doing. It's coming but it's also very hard. When you've been married awhile, I suppose you get into a rut and it's a little difficult to get out of. Plus, I'm gearing up to move back to the town where I work (I've been staying at my parents temporarily) and that comes to head next week so alot of things on my mind.

 

I will try focusing more on the kids, definitely calling my wife less and when she calls me giving her less information. I spoke to an old college roommate of mine today who is still single after all these years (no, he's not gay) and we're going out next week sometime during the week for dinner and maybe a drink or two.

 

I can't put into words how difficult the being in "limbo" part is of not knowing whether I'm getting divorced or staying married. It's like you just want truth and resolution in the worst way. Truth about what the hell is really going on with my wife and the resolve to do what I need to do to move on or patch things up depending on where we land.

 

Thanks for the support and opinions.

[Gunny376]

Its as simple as this Mike ~

 

"I'm done! I'm through with this you and your BS games!" And then you get busy living your life!"

 

Being single isn't a curse ~ its a blessing! You get to come and go as you want, when you want, do as you please without answering to anyone!

 

Despite everything the wife's piled into your head, I don't see where you were that bad a husband!

 

Forget the wife! Like I said ~ she's playing you! All you are now to her is a paycheck! She thinks she can continue the lifestyle she had, with you footin' tha' bill!

 

 

She's playing you for a fool!

[Mz. Pixie]

I can't put into words how difficult the being in "limbo" part is of not knowing whether I'm getting divorced or staying married. It's like you just want truth and resolution in the worst way. Truth about what the hell is really going on with my wife and the resolve to do what I need to do to move on or patch things up depending on where we land.

 

 

This is why I advised you to hire a PI or do some snooping. You deserve to know the truth anyway, even if it's not what you want to hear.

 

But, why are you letting her take your power away from you?? Because you're afraid of losing her further??

[Mike1966]

Mz Pixie,

 

What do you mean by saying "take your power away from you"? Can you explain further? You mean being somewhat afraid of moving on?

 

I'll stick with the PI for the next few weeks and see what turns up. I've also thought of checking her email..................she uses a web-based email and I know enough about her to get into it, but, I'd have to change the password so when she logged on next she'd know something happened, or, at the least, she made a mistake on her password and had to change it. Any thoughts?

 

The whole situation isn't driving me crazy like it has in the past but I still have my days of despair.................it's a process. I am a little scared of those weeks without my kids. I was always one of those types that enjoyed the company of a woman, having a girlfriend................I married at 26 but would have loved to have met someone even sooner, never did have a burning desire to be by myself the majority of the time to do MY stuff. I suppose in a way maybe this will be good because it'll push me out of my comfort zone bigtime.

 

I'm meeting with an attorney this Thursday to get his advice on what the worst case scenario is for me regarding alimony, support, custody/visitation and the splitting up of marital assets/liabilities. If I have some hope that I've been too generous with my wife, trust me, I'll turn things over to him and let the chips fall where they may................when I come to the point where i feel divorce is the answer.

 

Funny thing...............I was thinking of my wife last night. Even after all we've been through, I care about her and don't want her to be depressed and sad. It'll still hurt if she thinks another man will bring her happiness, firstly because it just sucks and I'll feel betrayed, lastly because the grass is always greener and the happiness won't be the real deal...........it'll be a relationship like we had, faults and all.

 

Wife called yesterday for her "welfare" check, wanted to get it one day early for some reason or offered to meet me before she went to work the next day. I very casually asked her what she'd been up to 'cause i wanted to know where she was last night...............she avoided it like the plague.......general statements, stuff that i already knew about and happened a few days ago............whatever! My PI was following her around last night about 5pm but lost her...........slight possibility she was suspicious he was tailing her. Didn't get back to her apt. until 8:30pm last night, who knows where she was.

 

I'm to the point where the possibility of an affair isn't really killing me like it used to, I just want the truth. Could be there's no affair at all, could be that one is starting, could be full-blown..............we'll see.

 

Thanks for the support and advice. I'll keep you posted.

[Mz. Pixie]

Mz Pixie,

 

What do you mean by saying "take your power away from you"? Can you explain further? You mean being somewhat afraid of moving on?

 

 

Because you're leaving the decision up to her whether or not she changes her mind and wants to work on the marriage.

 

Seeing the attorney is an awesome idea, and that takes a bit of your power back. Are you planning on filing first or waiting to see what she does???

 

Really investigate if you want this decision to be wholly hers. It is perhaps if you file, and the arrangements are not so "cushy" for her that she might wake up a bit.

 

She's living in fantasyland thinking she can continue to work part time and you support her- that's absolutely insane!!!

 

In the meantime, work on yourself and do some of the 180's that LJ and Gunny recommend.

[Mike1966]

understood, Mz Pixie,

 

Well, the wife called me this morning on my way to work, wanted me to come by tonight to talk. From the sound of her voice she had been crying or upset. We talked on the phone a little further and what I suspected was true, she wants to go ahead with the divorce.

 

I went by her apartment to see what type of plan she cooked up as she wanted us to do this ourselves, using an online form no less. Well, she wants me to pay her net $$ of $2,000 per month for 5 years total........plus she wants me to take all of our debt myself! Wow! We went around, I can tell you. If you saw a few pages ago, initially we were splitting debt down the middle, I was paying her alimony/support at 50% of my salary for 2 yrs then just support for the remainder until the kids were 18.

 

We argued off and on a couple times on the phone. I again asked her to just tell me if it was another guy. She denied it of course but why divorce so quickly?? Many things don't add up. I'm to the point where it doesn't matter anyway as if we can agree on terms I'm giving her the divorce. I believe she NEEDS it. Maybe she will eventually see what she's missing but by then I will likely have moved on.

 

We are meeting tonight to take another stab at settlement arrangements. She hinted about screwing me over with the kids and custody if I don't comply. Hopefully we'll get something workable. In any case, I'll be meeting with an attorney tomorrow to get a "worst case" scenario.

 

I guess i've seen this coming. Still hurts but i've hurt so bad in the past 2 months it's getting to where i can take it better. I have an open house at my daughter's school tonight, the wife is meeting us there then we agreed to talk after that. I'm going to try and appeal to her sense of fairness but she doesn't seem to have any. Just wants a clean slaight to move on. I feel like all I did my whole married life was try and please her both with actions and by buying nice things for her. Turns out I should have started saying "no" long ago as now she wants me to assume all the debt WE'VE incurred.

[Ladyjane14]

I have an open house at my daughter's school tonight, the wife is meeting us there then we agreed to talk after that. I'm going to try and appeal to her sense of fairness but she doesn't seem to have any.

 

Nope, she doesn't. Count on it.

 

You know, you don't have to have that discussion with her until YOU are ready. Once again... she left you. She's out of the "inner circle".

 

Go to the open house, then after it's over.. tell her you've got a headache, diarrhea from a bad burger at lunch, whatever you need to say in order to make a clean getaway. Meet with your attorney BEFORE you enter into any further financial discussion with your STBXW.

 

And remember what I told you earlier Mike... don't stand toe-to-toe with her in an emotional discussion. She'll spin you on your head like a top EVERY time. When it comes to processing emotional data, a woman is like a top-of-the-line blender while a man is more like a wooden spoon. Sure, both eventually get the job done... but she goes from zero to puree in about 2.3 seconds.

 

She can't MAKE you do anything you don't want to do. Remember that. And as far as reaching financial agreements goes... you need to cross your "t"s and dot your "i"s. The LAST thing you want is to agree to give her two grand per month for five years, assume all the marital debt... and then 15 minutes after the ink is dry, an OM pops out of the woodwork and you're supporting HIS ass while he shacks up with your wife.

 

Don't talk to her until AFTER you've had counsel. (!!!!)

[Mz. Pixie]

She can't MAKE you do anything you don't want to do. Remember that. And as far as reaching financial agreements goes... you need to cross your "t"s and dot your "i"s. The LAST thing you want is to agree to give her two grand per month for five years, assume all the marital debt... and then 15 minutes after the ink is dry, an OM pops out of the woodwork and you're supporting HIS ass while he shacks up with your wife.

 

Don't talk to her until AFTER you've had counsel. (!!!!)

 

 

If you do not listen to anything else we've said, please, please, please listen to this. Do not talk to her or sign anything until you've had counsel.

 

Why should you support her totally and give her enough to live on just because she decided she wanted a divorce?? Tell her to get her princess azz a full time job and learn how the real world works.

 

Seriously, DO NOT meet with her to hammer out anything. Speak with an attorney. Tell her you do "marrriage" and your attorney does "divorce"!!! Make him the bad guy.

 

She is seriously trying to screw you over. Please listen to LJ and myself.

[Reckless]

If you do not listen to anything else we've said, please, please, please listen to this. Do not talk to her or sign anything until you've had counsel.

 

Why should you support her totally and give her enough to live on just because she decided she wanted a divorce?? Tell her to get her princess azz a full time job and learn how the real world works.

 

Seriously, DO NOT meet with her to hammer out anything. Speak with an attorney. Tell her you do "marrriage" and your attorney does "divorce"!!! Make him the bad guy.

 

She is seriously trying to screw you over. Please listen to LJ and myself.

 

Even though you have received excellent EXCELLENT advice from Gunny JL et al, I really think that maybe their forthright styles are too much out of keeping with someone as thoroughly "nice" as you seem to be.

 

You cannot seem to hear them and you are setting yourselve up to be taken to the cleaners - I think you would willingly go to the cleaners and strip of yourself if you held the hope she'd love you again.

 

You are simply not ready to hear what you are being told, not least by your own wife but what harm can there be in taking Gunny's post, underlining some points and finding out from an independent quality attorney if what you believe to be so really is?

 

What possible harm can their be in seeking legal advise? What do you stand to loose (short of being royally shafted 10 times to Sunday ) by FINDING OUT if there is another more equitable financial route?

 

I find it hard to believe that joint custody means you support your wife in such a way for so long - what do you loose in making an appointment even while you hope that she changes her mind?

 

PLEASE, PLEASE, please don't sign anything. I don't know you but I HATE injustice - please listen to Gunny and LJ and seek another way to settle your financial matters.