will my wife ever come back to me

[confuzd]

Confuzd,

 

When you first posted I didnt recognize any of the similarities, but now reading allot of your story, you remind me of my father. I feel for what you are going through, and I think you are a strong person. Strong not in the way of something hard and brittle, but in the way of something that can flex and bend when required. I was in your sons position once. Did you ever cheat on your wife?

 

No I didn't cheat on my wife.

[confuzd]

I thought things were going downhill fast, but then they went back up hill the same day. I don't know what is going on in her mind.

 

So my calls me and is making small talk, it sounds like something is bothering her, and I ask what is wrong. She asks me why our son is sad, I tell her that's a good question. I tell her he's is fine during the day and starts to get sad when he goes to sleep. She says he is not sad when he stays with her. I tell her maybe he doesn't want you to know.

 

Our son has mentioned that he wants to help me fight to get our family back, I told him that he can do what he wants and say what he wants and that we will always love him. My wife feels that I am recruiting him, to help me out. I definitely see where she is coming from, although that was not my intention.

 

He has his own mind, and is a very smart and well spoken seven year old. He wants us back together plain and simple. She seems to think as long as we show him that we love him (which we do) that he will be okay. while I agree with this to an extent, I am the byproduct of a broken family and I know that this is not all true. I still have issues with my mother. I feel as if her kids were not worth her sticking out her marriage. I fear my son will feel the same.

 

It was her idea, to leave not mine, but she doesn't want her son to blame her, which I understand.

 

So she starts getting irate and blaming me for not telling him that she did nothing wrong, and that I was not defending her.

She said what about what I want, why is always about what everyone else wants. So I ask her ,"what is it that you want" and she says again "I don't know" She was very upset and eventually said that I was turning my son against her. This is where I had to really man up, I said very calm and firmly, (trying to change from where I would have started yelling at her and would've put her in her place) "you have just gone too far, and I am now going to hang up and let you go" "she just said fine"

 

I did not argue, but she had to realize that for her to say that I am turning my son against her is where I cross the line.

 

I call her back in 15 minutes and her attitude has changed and is much calmer, and she is now trying to explain her feelngs to me in a much calmer voice. I tell her that I have told our son many times that this is not her fault, and that it has nothing to do with him. Anyways I address all her concerns, and I politely wish her a good day.

 

I got off the phone feeling like she was ready to throw in the towel. I couldn't understand after things have been going so well why she was trying to pull me into arguments, point blame at me for things (I have already accepted blame) I would think it would start to become redundant. I said I was wrong, you don't have to keep proving it to me but whatever.

 

So about 5pm she calls and asks if I am going to the gym after work, I say yeah and she says that she thinks I should just come home so we can talk to our son together. I say okay but that I can't leave til 6pm. I normally have a flexible schedule as a recruiter and can pretty much come and go as I please, but lately things have gotten a little stricter. Well she wasn't trying to be understanding. She starts ranting about how everything has always been on my schedule, and when I get ready to do it. I tell her I understand but that this was not one of those cases. She just said that I am doing the same things i have always done.

 

I just can not win with this woman. I tell her that I will try to leave early, and she says "no, don't worry about it, don't get into trouble" I ask her why she is acting this way. I tell her I feel like she is trying to find any reason to call it off, and that she should already have enough reasons to do that if she really wanted to.

 

I ask her if she has noticed any positive changes in me, (of course she has I am a completely different person, and every potential argument has ended drastically different than it would've in the past, stevie wonder could see this) She says yeah, but it was very guarded and with no sincerity.

 

so I leave work early and come home, i call and tell her I'm on the way. I doubt she will appreciate the fact that I risked getting in trouble to come home and talk, she damn sure didn't thank me for it.

 

I get there before her, and when she walks in I get up and give her a hug and she looks at me in the eyes and we kiss on the lips.

 

WOW, I did not expect that, what the F%$# is going on with this woman. So we sit down with our son and I start off. I tell him not to feel he has any responsibility with whether we get together again, and that we will love him regardless and it is not his fault. I also tell him that this is not his mom's fault. I tell him that I was not the best husband and I made mommy unhappy. I took responsibility, (my wife doesn't want to look like the bad guy but doesn't seem to have much problem with me looking bad). The thing is I realize my son doesn't look at me as a bad guy, so I have no problem being open and honest to him about my mistakes. My wife doesnt say much, she kind of just tries to get him to talk about what makes him happy and tries to avoid what is making him sad.

 

All in all it went well, he said he is happy that he gets to see both of us, and I ask him what makes him sad and he says that we are not together. My wife can try to hide from this reality all she wants but that's not gonna make it go away.

 

So me and the wife chat for a minute, and starts to complain about her back. so I tell her I will give her a massage. She says "you don't have too" I know that if she didn't want one she would've said no. So I said it's okay I'll do it, and she keeps saying "no you don't have too"

 

I then scoop her up and carry her up stairs and put her on the bed. I then massage her back, and we talk about different stuff. I kiss her on the back of her neck every so often.

 

I was surprised at how receptive she was to all this physical contact, being that I haven't even kissed her on the lips for a while.

 

After I get done, I lay next to her and I pull her over and I just hold her, snuggle and talk. I start telling her that things will be different.

 

I tell her that I understand that her wall is up and she doesn't want to beleive that I have really changed. I tell her that if she ever lets down her wall she will see plain as day that there is a new man in front of her.

 

I tell her I have all the traits you love without the ones you don't, I tell her that I love and I kiss her. I compliment her lips, and just basically whisper sweet nothings to her. It eventually comes time to leave, and that was that.

 

This night took a turn that I really didn't expect it to take, but I am not complaining. She also did tell me that her frustration didn't have anything to do with me.

 

This is so weird, I am just rolling with the punches.

[Mike1966]

Thanks for the update, confuzed. Count it a blessing that you are getting to kiss your wife and spend that kind of intimate time you're spending with her. I'd give anything to have the open door to do the same in my situation but do not.

 

It is truly a roller coaster, isn't it?? Up one day, down the next. You're doing the best you can by remaining consistent in your devotion to her and what you feel is right...........kudos to you for standing up to her on the phone in a calm but firm fashion (which I've also had problems with in the past) and letting her know enough is enough.

 

Keep me posted on your progress.

[frd150]

Confuzed,

 

 

Im still learning and paying attention.

 

I would kill to be in your shoes. Well, not literaly.

[Cobra_X30]

I was once in the same position as your son. He is going to learn to be a man by watching you. You handle this much better than my father.

 

I know that you realize your wife is a very selfish person. Please understand that this will never, ever change. I get the impression that you may have the expectation that if you change she will change also. I do not believe that you should get your hopes up for this. I realized at the age of 16 how my mother was. Your son seems to be understanding at the age of 7. Your story makes me want to rage and cry all at once.

 

Save it, save everything you post here into a word doc or a picture or something. He needs to be able to see this, to touch this, and feel it... some day when he is old enough to understand.

[confuzd]

it was a good day today, Normally after work my wife will drop off my son and then leave, but today when I got home from the gym she was there watching t.v. I told her that this was a pleasant surprise, and I went over and kind of playfully tackle hugged her and gave her a kiss. We then just sat and watched t.v. as I played with her hair until it was time for her to leave. I gave her a kiss good bye and complimented her several times on how great she looked.

 

I couldn't control my hands, and I did grab her rear end, but she didn't seem to mind. Good god I am going out of my mind.

 

It was a good day, I didn't talk to the rest of that night and she didn't call. I will just take it as slow as she wants.

[frd150]

Hey Confused any new devolopements?

 

How you doin?

[lysne]

I got off the phone feeling like she was ready to throw in the towel. I couldn't understand after things have been going so well why she was trying to pull me into arguments, point blame at me for things (I have already accepted blame) I would think it would start to become redundant. I said I was wrong, you don't have to keep proving it to me but whatever.

 

Yes, it's not fair and must be so aggravating. I did this a lot in the beginning: picked fights and kept blaming for things that had already been apologized for and discussed ad nauseum. Not proud of it, but as I said before, sometimes you just wake up irritated again for no real reason and wondering if things will really change; sometimes this gets expressed by pushing buttons. This is what I meant when I said before that you will become exhausted dealing with these kind of issues that get recycled over and over again. Good for you for keeping your cool and not getting sucked into it - it WILL stop eventually when your wife is ready to take responsibility for things from her end.

 

All in all, you handled the whole son situation like a pro. That could have been seriously explosive, but you did everything just right including knowing when to 'accept' responsibility and when to stand up for yourself. I'm glad to hear that things are going better since then (hopefully still are).

[confuzd]

Well it has all finally come to an end. starting friday, my wife has been really distant. no text replies, she says she doesn't feel like talking, very nonchalantly. I ask why and she says she just doesnt. this goes on for two days, we don't talk.

 

Then comes sunday and she comes over, I think she is going to give me some bad new but she says everything is okay. I give her a kiss and we watch a movie together. As we watch the movie I play with her hair, and rub on her back and legs and stuff. After the movie, I kind of grab her and pull her over to me and have her straddle me. I hug her and then she leaves. I thought everything was good but again I don't hear from her anymore.

 

Monday Same thing, She doesnt want to talk, that night I ask her whats going on and she says nothing she just doesnt want to talk. This has been an patter and it seems like I am bothering her. So I ask her would she like for me to stop calling her altogether and she says that would be best. I ask what about texts she says to stop those too. I ask why and she says she doesn't want to talk about it right now and that she is getting off the phone. After that I try to call back and the phone is turned off.

 

MY gut told me what I thought in the back of my mind, that she was with another man. I couldn't take it anymore so at 11pm I drive to her house. She is not home, I wait for her and she doesnt come home. So at 445 am I leave because I realize she spent the night somewhere else.

 

She said she had to go to the gym early in the morning for group pt (miliitary life) So I drive to the gym and her car is parked. I go in the car and her cell phone is there.

 

I find on her cell phone pics of some guys cock, pics of him with no shirt on, pictures of her in her underwear. texts saying how much she loves him, and him saying the same stuff.

 

My world was crushed. I left the pic of his cock open and wrote a note it is over.

 

I called and left her a message, asking why she couldn't just tell me. I gave her so many opportunities. Why couldn't she just tell me, why did she string me along.

 

I texted this guy and told him to have fun with my wife. I also told him that I love her and am upset. I let him know that infidelity was unacceptable in the military and that he better be prepared for the consequences

 

Well Lysne. What do you think about that.

 

How could she do that. How could she treat me good when she's with me then do that behind my back, why didn't she just end it. This is a young guy she's with she seems to like young guys.

 

How could she tell me she loves me and kiss me and do this behind my back.

 

just sunday she was talking about how she is going to make a horror movie buff out of me if it kills her, that would require a future.

 

She is not the person I once knew. the sad thing is, I still love her. Why can't I let go, and how could she do this, where is her conscience.

[Mike1966]

Wow, confuzed. I'm devistated for you. I had felt you and I have been gonig through similar circumstances up until now but would have had no clue that your wife would have been doing this. I'm so sorry for you and actually wish I could be there for you to talk with. I hope you have someone close you can talk this through with.

 

As much as you may want to (maybe not), please control your temper as best you can and don't do anything you'll regret. I know it hurts like hell but try to start working through it the best you can............for you and for your son. She has totally decieved you likely for awhile and you've done nothing but be a gentleman about it and try to work through the problem.

 

You may not want to hear this right now but please be proud of yourself for handling this situation with mucho character and integrity. Honestly, this woman is not deserving of your love and there will be someone out there for you (if you want) that will truly love you without playing mind games. I know that's the last thing on your mind, but realize that in the end you WILL be okay and take the necessary steps to heal and move on. You're still young and have your whole life ahead of you.

 

I do want to mention something about your son...........I know this is his mother but that is the last thing she's acting like at this point. I'd get some legal advice ASAP but if I were in your shoes I would be aiming for sole custody and having him most of the time. I know things are slanted toward woman many times in divorces but with what she has been doing surely it will mean something.

 

I can read in your posts that you are a strong person, a man of character that any worthy woman would be glad to be with. If you're wife is choosing this type of lifestyle she's got some real issues to deal with that she may never heal from. All the more reason to stop your emotional investment in her and move on. Try to maintain your composure as best you can, I know it will be hard.

 

I don't know much about how this site works, but, if they have private messaging I'll put my personal email in my profile and you can try to contact me if you want...........I really, really feel for you.

 

Take care of yourself and focus on your son.

[Cobra_X30]

Confuzd,

 

Hey you might not want to hear this now, but this is a good thing for you! Your free buddy. I'm gonna tell you the rest of my story, cause I think you need the hope.

 

My dad left the moment he found out there was an affair. My sister and I stayed with my Mom for 6 months. I moved in with Dad once the divorce was finalized. A year later he met the best woman ever, they dated got married, and he is the happiest guy ever. You cant believe the difference, growing up he was always moody and angry, now he laughs and smiles all the time!

 

Mom, may she rot in hell, is on her 4th marriage in less than 12 years... and thats failing too according to my sister. The last time she even tried to contact me it was because she wanted some money.

 

You probably blamed yourself for many of the problems in your M. So, yeah maybe it wasnt your fault. Start working on getting custody right now! I dont care if you need to plant drugs on her and call the cops, just do it. Otherwise your Son is going to be subjected to the creep parade, and you never know what these guys are gonna do!

[lysne]

Really and truly sorry, Confuzd. I too am devastated for you. It must be total hell to have put your whole heart and soul into everything, only to have been so callously deceived.

 

I agree with everything that Mike said. Know that you have great integrity and dignity. I really admire you, Confuzd. You deserve all the happiness in life, and you are going to make a great partner for someone that is worthy of you.

 

Please take care. My thoughts are with you.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Confuzd

 

I have not followed your story.....but I know where your at.

 

The difference is my wife confessed....if i were to have discovered like you did...and what you did....man...I dunno where I would be.

 

Cut your lose....right now....dont wander back...be strong....it will be very hard.

 

You mentioned military...I would turn this in to the commanding officer to the fullest extent.

 

I would intitiate immediate no contact with her and keep on contact in regards to the child.

 

Dam this pisses me off...reading this...and waht you saw....dammit...

 

Not sure what to say man....its a tuff place to be in. But at least you now the truth...use this to make yourslef a better person.

 

Not sure how to handle the child. i dont think he is ready to now the truth..that mommy is f'ing around....handle this with caution.

 

dam...I feel for ya.

 

keep us posted...we are all here to help.

[confuzd]

I am totally freaking nuts.

 

Well Me and my wife got into it.

I saw her when I got home and we got into it. I started drilling her on what, when, why, where, and how.

 

She broke down and told me. She said she met him several weeks ago at a grocery store, they started talking and had good conversation, and exchanged numbers. (I asked why) and she said she doesn't really know, she keeps going back to being confused, cold, and numb.

 

well he started showing her attention and she liked it. However she said that the relationship was meaningless and she ended it.

 

I asked how she could do this and she started stating that I hurt her and that she was trying to get the attention that she always wanted from me. she said she doesnt know why she did it and that she had no feelings for him. she also said that he wasn't really to concerned with her either.

 

She said that she ended yesterday before I found out, and that she was going to tell me this week. she said that she was getting stressed, she thinks she has an ulcer, and that she got to the point that she realized that she needed to focus on being a mother instead of being with this guy.

 

She said she had to cut the stress out of her life and that is why she broke it off with him. She said she did not leave for anybody.

 

There was alot of yelling some name calling, some "how could you do this" type of stuff. She did answer all my questions.

 

She insisted that she did not love this guy and that she was just going through the motions, for reasons unknowned to her.

 

She says she is the most confused she has ever been, she says she feels like she doesn't love herself, she doesn't know who she is.

 

Bottom line is Im pissed, I told her I am moving on, that I waited the first time and she betrayed me, and that I was not going to wait on her to figure out what she was going to do. she kept asking what does that mean. I didn't answer.

 

In my heart I feel like If she decided to work it out I may give her another chance. I know this sounds weak, believe me I can't believe I'm saying it myself. I don't know if we will even work out, but It is up to her now. I do believe that she is done with him, and that she is now just trying to focus on what she is going to do with out distractions.

 

Deep down I kind of had a feeling it would come to this before she really started giving this some thought. Life is cruel some times, but I think I may still have the capacity to forgive somewhere deep in me, it is definitely up to her to pull it out of me.

 

I am going out tonight, and am going to have some fun as a free man. whoo hooo.

[frd150]

I am totally freaking nuts.

 

Well Me and my wife got into it.

I saw her when I got home and we got into it. I started drilling her on what, when, why, where, and how.

 

She broke down and told me. She said she met him several weeks ago at a grocery store, they started talking and had good conversation, and exchanged numbers. (I asked why) and she said she doesn't really know, she keeps going back to being confused, cold, and numb.

 

well he started showing her attention and she liked it. However she said that the relationship was meaningless and she ended it.

 

I asked how she could do this and she started stating that I hurt her and that she was trying to get the attention that she always wanted from me. she said she doesnt know why she did it and that she had no feelings for him. she also said that he wasn't really to concerned with her either.

 

She said that she ended yesterday before I found out, and that she was going to tell me this week. she said that she was getting stressed, she thinks she has an ulcer, and that she got to the point that she realized that she needed to focus on being a mother instead of being with this guy.

 

She said she had to cut the stress out of her life and that is why she broke it off with him. She said she did not leave for anybody.

 

There was alot of yelling some name calling, some "how could you do this" type of stuff. She did answer all my questions.

 

She insisted that she did not love this guy and that she was just going through the motions, for reasons unknowned to her.

 

She says she is the most confused she has ever been, she says she feels like she doesn't love herself, she doesn't know who she is.

 

Bottom line is Im pissed, I told her I am moving on, that I waited the first time and she betrayed me, and that I was not going to wait on her to figure out what she was going to do. she kept asking what does that mean. I didn't answer.

 

In my heart I feel like If she decided to work it out I may give her another chance. I know this sounds weak, believe me I can't believe I'm saying it myself. I don't know if we will even work out, but It is up to her now. I do believe that she is done with him, and that she is now just trying to focus on what she is going to do with out distractions.

 

Deep down I kind of had a feeling it would come to this before she really started giving this some thought. Life is cruel some times, but I think I may still have the capacity to forgive somewhere deep in me, it is definitely up to her to pull it out of me.

 

I am going out tonight, and am going to have some fun as a free man. whoo hooo.

 

Hey Confuzed. Your earlier post was not what I wanted to hear. I was shocked just like the others. I actually yelled out OH SH*T NO! earlier when I read it. Someone came running into my office to see if I was dying.

 

I do not know what else to say that wasnt already said here.

 

Now for this post.

 

She needs therapy bad. Especially if she is engaging is this kind of behavuor. If she is so stressed that it is effecting her health then its time she sees someone.

 

Yeah I know what your thinking..."frd, are you going to get her to go?" I would If I could.This is about your son right now she needs to be a mom. Kids pick up on this stuff. Your son will sence that she is not right. I know I went through som pretty bad stuff with my parents as a kid. I was pretty Intuitive.

 

 

Now I think that you have made some valient efforts here. You've made your feelings clear to her. Maybe now its time to back off. Have some fun like you said. Get away from this for a while. If she wont listen then let her figure it out on her own.

 

I am dealing wit it now. Mine seems to be dating a bit and they are complete douche bags. Treating her bad and using her from what i hear. I figure let her see on her own. We can only do so much before we are spent.

 

Man,Im so madd about this. Im sorry you found what you found.

 

You know I have this detective friend that I went to earlier on when I thought i saw some stuff. I asked him to run a plate for me. He asked me "frd, if I do this what are you going to do with the info? It will only ruin you more if it is actually something." I agreed and tore up the piece of paper with the plate number on it. I still think to this day that she was and is up to something.

 

Im still reading, still paying attention.

 

Good luck and have fun tonight. Its all about you and the little guy;).

[Mike1966]

confuzed,

 

Don't really know what to say to you at this point..........it's your show. If you really think you can forgive her and trust her again maybe you can work through it, who knows. This is the second time she cheated on you in the marriage if I remember right??

 

If I were in your shoes I don't know that I could forgive.............IF I could it would be with the understanding that she was COMPLETELY accountable to you for an undetermined period of time with MANDITORY COUNSELING starting ASAP. She does sound like she has some real emotional problems, at the very least.

 

You're a great guy and I have no doubt YOU will come through this.............with or without her. Best of luck and let us know what happens.

[Travis L]

Hey Confuzed - I very rarely post on here but I have followed yours and many other threads... I'm one of those readers that suck up all the information possible... I'm no expert and I can't say that I have experienced the exact same thing as I have never been married. BUT, When my ex left the first time (after 3 years), she slept with someone before she came back to me. I was so happy that she came back that I thought I could just forget about what she did...I wasn't successful as it was in the back of my head just about everyday (i.e. visualizing them together..wondering if he was better than me, is she still talking to him, is she talking to someone else now, etc...) I truly never was able to fully trust her again.. I became controlling and slightly jealous...Fast forward a year and she left because of it.

 

Like I said, your situation is different but regardless, it will be VERY hard to go back after she has done what she has done... Is it two strikes and you are out? or three? or four?.. if you give her another strike, where do you draw the line? She's done this twice now...get my point?

 

I'm still willing to give my ex a chance (she is seeing someone right now) with the hope that I could put all of this behind us AGAIN... Who knows..maybe I'm a glutton for pain...

 

Anyway, like everyone else has said (all more wiser than I), it's your decision and it sucks that it happened to such a good guy. Hopefully you have had some time to REALLY internalize changes in yourself..not blaming you for what has happened...it's just we all have things that we could improve on to make future relationships better. Regardless of which way you decide, I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm pulling for you!!!

 

~ Travis ~

[jmargel]

She said that she ended yesterday before I found out, and that she was going to tell me this week. she said that she was getting stressed, she thinks she has an ulcer, and that she got to the point that she realized that she needed to focus on being a mother instead of being with this guy.

 

 

I find on her cell phone pics of some guys cock, pics of him with no shirt on, pictures of her in her underwear. texts saying how much she loves him, and him saying the same stuff.

 

What was the date on that text message? That will tell you if she 'ended' it when she said she did. Honestly I think she is doing damage control and I don't think it's over.

 

She has been playing mind games with you for months now and her IMMATURITY has led to this. Are you sure there is only one guy as well? She has been acting squirrely for more than just a couple of weeks. Plus telling a person you love them only after seeing them a few weeks while also being married?

 

Like what Mike said the ball is in your court. You don't need to make a decision today or tomorrow, take time to take this all in. Plus there is no just 'one talk' when it comes to these things. She needs to be aware that there could be many other emotionally exhaustive talks to come. I would highly suggest counseling at least for yourself.

 

In regards to her I would make it VERY hard to get back into your life. Trust is earned, not a right. It's time for some tough love. A marriage does not work with three people. She needs to realize how much damage she has done to the foundation of your marriage.

 

On the same note, you also have to do soul searching within yourself and look back on your marriage in regards on what you did that was wrong. What she has done is NO excuse, however you need to look at the communication between you two. You also have to look at what you are getting out of this marriage, or what do you expect to get out of it now since this has all happened.

 

At least now you know everything. It is probably a big weight off of your shoulders even though the worst possible scenario has happened. You no longer have to wonder about her intentions or analyze every little text message or call she has with you. It's time for her to start worrying.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Just a bit of advice from experince...

 

 

Cheaters rarely ever tell the whole truth right away.

 

They minimize most everything....truth comes out in bits.....do what I did...ask the same question...over time....like weeks later and see if you get the exact same answer....

 

personally....I dont think she has told you everything...I might be wrong...but from what my wife did...and waht I read here.....they will minimize the affair to save face.....they dont want to look that bad...so they say things like...it was nothing....it was only a few weeks....we just met a few times....

 

if I were you..I would do a check on the cell records and see when his number started showing up....that will confirm if this was just a few weeks.

 

I dunno...I am still pissed about this....hits home hard for me.....

 

my wife said her affiar was mostly emotional...but some oral sex...not alot she said.

 

it took over a year for me to get the HARD truth that they actual had intercourse.....how many times...I didnt ask....what mattered was that she lied...and it took that long to get the WHOLE truth....

 

dammit....i dont even think i can read this thread anymore....

[confuzd]

Hey Confuzed. Your earlier post was not what I wanted to hear. I was shocked just like the others. I actually yelled out OH SH*T NO! earlier when I read it. Someone came running into my office to see if I was dying.

 

Lol this makes me think back to when I was reading ILMW's thread, I did the same thing. I was like NOOOOOOOO...

[confuzd]

confuzed,

 

Don't really know what to say to you at this point..........it's your show. If you really think you can forgive her and trust her again maybe you can work through it, who knows. This is the second time she cheated on you in the marriage if I remember right??

 

If I were in your shoes I don't know that I could forgive.............IF I could it would be with the understanding that she was COMPLETELY accountable to you for an undetermined period of time with MANDITORY COUNSELING starting ASAP. She does sound like she has some real emotional problems, at the very least.

 

You're a great guy and I have no doubt YOU will come through this.............with or without her. Best of luck and let us know what happens.

 

You know it's a funny thing mike, I never thought I could forgive this again either. I cussed her out last night, called her a whore who sells herself for attention. It made me feel a little better, but it's a crazy thing. You never know what your capable of forgiving until you go through it. It was easy for me to say My wife would never cheat and if she did it is over. That attitude alot of times causes women to cheat because we don't think they ever will and we don't do what's necessary to prevent it.

 

Now that I am going through it I am more understanding to other people who forgive. I am not sure If I will though, but I think I may be capable.

[confuzd]

Hey Confuzed - I very rarely post on here but I have followed yours and many other threads... I'm one of those readers that suck up all the information possible... I'm no expert and I can't say that I have experienced the exact same thing as I have never been married. BUT, When my ex left the first time (after 3 years), she slept with someone before she came back to me. I was so happy that she came back that I thought I could just forget about what she did...I wasn't successful as it was in the back of my head just about everyday (i.e. visualizing them together..wondering if he was better than me, is she still talking to him, is she talking to someone else now, etc...) I truly never was able to fully trust her again.. I became controlling and slightly jealous...Fast forward a year and she left because of it.

 

Like I said, your situation is different but regardless, it will be VERY hard to go back after she has done what she has done... Is it two strikes and you are out? or three? or four?.. if you give her another strike, where do you draw the line? She's done this twice now...get my point?

 

I'm still willing to give my ex a chance (she is seeing someone right now) with the hope that I could put all of this behind us AGAIN... Who knows..maybe I'm a glutton for pain...

 

Anyway, like everyone else has said (all more wiser than I), it's your decision and it sucks that it happened to such a good guy. Hopefully you have had some time to REALLY internalize changes in yourself..not blaming you for what has happened...it's just we all have things that we could improve on to make future relationships better. Regardless of which way you decide, I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm pulling for you!!!

 

~ Travis ~

I agree, I never really forgave her the first time, I made her repent til she was worn out. This is the result of those actions. If I do ever forgive, It would have to be total forgiveness. I am going to really start going to church, and if we do try to work it out, counseling is definitely in order. Right now my heart is cold, and I don't like it that way.

[confuzd]

What was the date on that text message? That will tell you if she 'ended' it when she said she did. Honestly I think she is doing damage control and I don't think it's over.

 

She has been playing mind games with you for months now and her IMMATURITY has led to this. Are you sure there is only one guy as well? She has been acting squirrely for more than just a couple of weeks. Plus telling a person you love them only after seeing them a few weeks while also being married?

 

Like what Mike said the ball is in your court. You don't need to make a decision today or tomorrow, take time to take this all in. Plus there is no just 'one talk' when it comes to these things. She needs to be aware that there could be many other emotionally exhaustive talks to come. I would highly suggest counseling at least for yourself.

 

In regards to her I would make it VERY hard to get back into your life. Trust is earned, not a right. It's time for some tough love. A marriage does not work with three people. She needs to realize how much damage she has done to the foundation of your marriage.

 

On the same note, you also have to do soul searching within yourself and look back on your marriage in regards on what you did that was wrong. What she has done is NO excuse, however you need to look at the communication between you two. You also have to look at what you are getting out of this marriage, or what do you expect to get out of it now since this has all happened.

 

At least now you know everything. It is probably a big weight off of your shoulders even though the worst possible scenario has happened. You no longer have to wonder about her intentions or analyze every little text message or call she has with you. It's time for her to start worrying.

 

Lol you talk just like a buddy of mine, He doesn't beleive a word she says anymore. I didn't get a chance to look at the times of the text's I was in shock at the pictures, and my mind went into a state of bewilderment.

 

It was just one guy, and the relationship lasted three weeks of being intimate but about 3-4 months of getting to know each other. She says she had to stop it because she was feeling terrible, and it was eating away at her. She said her whole focus now is what it should've been which is on our son. I want to believe her.

 

She said the love stuff, was meaningless and just the thing to say. Doesn't make me feel much better.

[2sunny]

You know it's a funny thing mike, I never thought I could forgive this again either. I cussed her out last night, called her a whore who sells herself for attention. It made me feel a little better, but it's a crazy thing. You never know what your capable of forgiving until you go through it. It was easy for me to say My wife would never cheat and if she did it is over. That attitude alot of times causes women to cheat because we don't think they ever will and we don't do what's necessary to prevent it.

 

Now that I am going through it I am more understanding to other people who forgive. I am not sure If I will though, but I think I may be capable.

 

well i am certain that my stbxh thought that if i found him cheating again - i would still take him and our amazing life back again... guess what - i divorced him after 20 years of being married - and he was shocked! (still is!)

 

some things you don't deserve when you are a person that lives by the right rules in life.

 

it is easier now to not have to worry about his cheating.

[confuzd]

Just a bit of advice from experince...

 

 

Cheaters rarely ever tell the whole truth right away.

 

They minimize most everything....truth comes out in bits.....do what I did...ask the same question...over time....like weeks later and see if you get the exact same answer....

 

personally....I dont think she has told you everything...I might be wrong...but from what my wife did...and waht I read here.....they will minimize the affair to save face.....they dont want to look that bad...so they say things like...it was nothing....it was only a few weeks....we just met a few times....

 

if I were you..I would do a check on the cell records and see when his number started showing up....that will confirm if this was just a few weeks.

 

I dunno...I am still pissed about this....hits home hard for me.....

 

my wife said her affiar was mostly emotional...but some oral sex...not alot she said.

 

it took over a year for me to get the HARD truth that they actual had intercourse.....how many times...I didnt ask....what mattered was that she lied...and it took that long to get the WHOLE truth....

 

dammit....i dont even think i can read this thread anymore....

 

It's okay man, If I can continue to write, you can continue to read.

 

You are very right about the tidbits, and protecting their status as the victim.

 

I did adamantly tell her I knew certain things were lies and there are other things as well, and she finally confessed to them. I know my work to get the truth is not done yet.

 

First lie was she did not meet him at a grocery store, she met him at the gym she goes to in the morning. They would have small talk, and they carried that on for several months, then she said 3 weeks ago it got intimate, until recently when she claims she couldn't take it anymore and broke it off.

 

There were other lies but they were not really important, I think whats more important to me is not the details, but beleiving that my wife has the capacity to be honest with me. I need to know that she is not a liar. I could never go back to a liar. it is not really about the details.