will my wife ever come back to me

[Woggle]

Right now she is stronger but he may realize a strength he never knew he had. That happened to me and is currently happening to a friend of mine. I wish he lived near me because I would hang out with him and give him the Woggle lesson in growing your balls back.

[confuzd]

Okay, I think I am starting to see that my wife is a different person altogether, and am starting to understand her better. Yesterday I was still pissed so when she came over It showed. Yesterday was her birthday, I was going to take her to the ballet, and then take her out but she turned it down as I explained in my previous post. So Im thinking Im gonna play the distant role, well it didn't go as planned.

 

She comes in the house and I just sit there acting like I'm cool, I say hi, and my son just says hi. she sits down on the couch away from me with this kind of what is going on look. I give her her present which was a candle and a simple card with no I love you gestures. Her real present was upstairs, it was a poem that I wrote I put it on a picture and had it custom framed it was really beautiful, but I figured if the ballet was too much than that poem was probably too much, hence the meaningless candle and birthday card I got her at the last minute. so she reads the card and smells the candle and is like thanks and gives me a kiss but she obviously senses something is not right. She asks "is this the present you couln't wait to give me" I said no that the real one was upstairs but I thought it would be too much. She got upset and said "see there you go flipping back to the old you, that's why I can't believe you". I try to argue my point but she is not having it, she always gets this way when she gets mad, she will rant and rave and will not take a second to hear me out. So I just stop trying to talk and I wait for her to cool down. Then we actually start getting somewhere, she tells me that when she came in and no one greeted her or said happy B-day it reminded her of the old Nonchalant me. I told her that I did not know what to do, I don't know if I should hugh you, kiss you or what, I don't want to do too much.

 

She says "come on now you are too smart for that, A ballet plus a present was too much, but a hug and a kiss is not too much" I later find out that the ballet would not have been too much if she would've known that it came from my heart and not as an attempt to manipulate her or win her back. I convinced her that it indeed came from my heart and she believed me because I have always done nice things like that during our marriage.

 

Then we start getting comfortable with each other, she finally saw that I was not flipping back to the old me , who was passive agressive and spiteful, but rather that I was just confused. We started kissing, and it was very passionate, then I asked her if she even wants to beleive that I have changed. She said yes. I asked her why, and she said because she wants us too work out. I asked her why she wanted us to work out and she said because she has always wanted us too work out. I told her not to say another word.

 

Well guys, I am probably gonna get slammed by all of you but, I feel in my heart that I did the right thing, I finally got the answer I wanted, and I understand more of what she wants. She has moved out, yes, that is obvious, but she is not done,she is waiting to see if I revert back to the old me. She truly wants to beleive that I have changed, she is not involved with anyone else, I am as sure of this as I can be.

 

I don't think I can do what some of you are asking me to do, Not because I physically can't, but I think that It would be counter productive. I am showing her that I am the new Me. Yes you are right about not begging, that is a major NO NO. And yes all the excessive niceties are a NO NO as well it comes across as manipulative ,and that only incites anger in her. But I can not, give her any ultimatums, or tell her that I will not show her any affetion until she makes up her mind. That is what the old me would've done, that is the the "my way or the highway" old me would've done, the "if you don't like it you can leave" me would've done, and I am not that me anymore.

 

We went to dinner today and had some good conversation, we talked about sex and she said that it was not important to her right now, I said I felt the same (that was probably the hardest lie I ever had to tell), I told her that I just wanted to have that closeness and that bond, (no I was not begging, it was mature, casual conversation) and she said we could do that without sex. She said that yes she does enjoy having her independence, but she is family oriented by nature and likes being a wife and mother. She said that she just got burnt out with this family, I asked her what it would take for her to want to move forward and reunite this family, and she said she would have to beleive that I am not the same old me. She likes my strength and that I used to stand up to her, I was always very confident, some times too cocky as she put it but she loves that about me, that I am a true man, I will continue to keep those traits as they are a part of me, But I will take time to listen to her, and try to understand her, and find balance between my manhood, and meeting her emotional needs.

 

I will keep you posted with how this all plays out, it is far from over but I am willing to go the distance.

[CaliGuy]

Before you do anything rash, read the book I suggested to you ASAP.

[Woggle]

You are just setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

[confuzd]

beleive me I hear ya loud and clear, but I have to take your advice and then make my own decisions, and I must be willing to live with the decisions I make.

 

I think alot of this has to do with power, If I give her actions the power to hurt me or to have me guessing then she is in control. I can no longer give power to her actions.

 

She has already lost alot of power by saying yes she wants it to work out, and by wanting to spend time with me. This is why I think women flip flop because when they feel the power slipping and they try to regain it.

 

I have to be okay with whatever the outcome is, and If I can truly do that I will be broken hearted but will be okay much quicker than If I put my life in the balance.

 

This is all easier said than done, and will take work on my part, but I will try my best. I truly think things will work out though but like you said I could just be setting myself up for a major disappointment. Time will tell.

 

Oh yeah the book is on the way, I will definitely read it.

[cocismanuk32]

I read some reviews about that book. No one has mentioned here that it comes at things from a very fundamentalist Christian stand point. That does not mean it is a bad book, but be prepared for it to espouse some extreme views.

 

Can anyone help me out in my thread by the way. I am going through the mill in the same way that confuzd is at the moment.

[CaliGuy]

I read some reviews about that book. No one has mentioned here that it comes at things from a very fundamentalist Christian stand point. That does not mean it is a bad book, but be prepared for it to espouse some extreme views.

 

You need to read it first before you have an opinion, right?

 

Can anyone help me out in my thread by the way. I am going through the mill in the same way that confuzd is at the moment.

 

Maybe if you gave the book a try it would give you some ideas on where to start. Put aside your fear of it being written by a Christian author and look at the information for what it is.

 

Very valuable, credible information from a well educated psychologist who understands very well how relationships work.

[confuzd]

So its been a couple days since my last post, I'm not sure what to think. Maybe I am thinking too much. My wife hasn't been doing too well. She is very depressed, and has been binging on food. She has a disorder that when she becomes very stressed she will eat and that really spirals her into a depressed state.

 

sunday started my wifes first week to keep our son, and we had planned that I would come over there, to see him after work the same way she would come over here. She then decided that she didn't think that would be the right thing to do. For some reason she doesn't want me coming in her Apt yet. She said to give it some time.

 

My friend says that it's just because that is the only thing she can control and she doesn't want to give in to that yet. So I don't push the issue, she'll invite me over when she is ready. I know most of you are probably thinking she must have a man over there, but I know that is not the case.

 

She is very stressed out right now with work, her whole schedule is in disarray, the fact that she has been binging and doesn't want to gain weight. Just a little history, my wife use to be overweight 5'5'' about 175 lbs was her heaviest she has battled with it all her life she was a model at one time, then gained weight and now has finally lost it all again and is just phenomenolly gorgeous, so it is very stressful when she binges and can't control it. I just try to be supportive and listen. and she says she still hasn't mentally settled into the Apt yet (whatever that means).

 

I wonder if she is doubting her decision. She used to get depressed, and stressed and binge when she was with me, and she blamed me for it. Now that she is still doing it and I am obviously not the cause, I wonder will she realize that it is an issue within her and not my fault. I'm hoping she will realize that a new life with me will be better than the stress she is going through on her own. What do you think?

[Lizzie60]

i feel like my first ex could have written the exact same posts as you did.

 

Your story sounds so much like mine... with my first separation.

 

I was like your wife when I first left my 1st ex... I was feeling sad too... because of my son. It had nothing to do with my H... I didn't love him anymore, but I knew I was hurting him sooo bad... I felt guilty. I never told him though...

 

I'm somehow reliving my first separation through your posts.

[confuzd]

thanks lizzie,

I hope that this situation is different I know many are very similar but all have differences as well.

 

My wife actually doesn't really feel like I'm hurting that much anymore, she actually seems a bit worried that I am getting over her so quick, she often says that It seems like I am doing fine in a kind of sarcastic or accusing way, and that I will be over her before I know it, as if this is something that worries her.

 

I do know that my wife still loves me, and has not fallen out of love, this I am sure of.

 

so in that aspect I think we are different, She has openly told me she wants us to work out, which I doubt you ever told your husband. So in my heart I think there is a chance, as long as I show her that I do love her, and have changed.

[Topper]

Seems like you might be growing some balls again. Good for you. You are not to blam for her problems. lets her know that. Make sure that she also understands that you will be there to support her. Support does not mena being her little wiping boy. Now I would insist that you be allowed to see your son! If she does not want you over her place., fine meet at some place so you can take your kid to dinner and have some fun with him. Fair is fair and she is not being fair.

you said she is worried that you are getting over her to fast. Her real worrie is that you are not being controled by her. Her real worry is that your starting to be a man.

be honest with her tell her you love her. Tell her you do want the marriage to work. Also tell her you are not going to take her minipulating crap anymore. She has to take responsability for her own problems. Your there to help. Do what it takes just do not be her little Bytch boy.

[confuzd]

Well this is starting to become like therapy for me, when I feel like Im going to do something really dumb like try to get some reassurance or some affection, I read the posts and I stop myself, It is terribly hard though.

 

I haven't seen much of my wife lately except when she drops my son off in the morning, I take him to summer camp and she picks him up. she gives me a quick hug and kiss and is out the door.

 

I am doing better with the needyness but it still comes up sometimes, I have made a pact with myself to go at least 21 days with out requesting, or questioning her at all. today is day one.

 

Anyways I did break yesterday, I called her after she left and told her how I felt. I said that I only see her for a few seconds a day and you give me a quick hug and kiss and are out the door. I asked her if something was wrong and if she didn't miss me. She said very nicely that it was not that and that she was just very stressed and that I should know how she gets when she is stressed. I said yeah I do and left it alone.

 

then later that night I called and got needy again after the conversation was going good, and she got stressed and wanted to get off the phone. I don't know why I do that when things are going good.

 

I asked her what her feelings were and she said she was lonely, stressed, and just had alot on her mind. I said "your lonely huh?" and she said "yeah" I said "but you just don't want MY companionship." she said she didn't want anyones companionship right now. I guess thats a good thing.

 

Today we got along great It is the start of my new pact. I sent her a quick text that said I was thinking about her and to call me if she got some time. She called about two hours later, nice casual talk, I said that if she wanted to spend some time together just to let me know, and that I would love to spend time with her, but if not that was cool with me too. She said yeah she would like to spend time with me. I then just told her to give me at least a days notice.

 

She say "why do you need a days notice" I said "so I can make sure I don't have anything planned" she said "why would you have something planned" at that point I told her to hold on I had another call, then I got back on line with her and changed the subject.

 

I feel pretty good, I feel like she may come around eventually she still seems very possessive of me. is this is good thing that she is still possessive, I would think that if she was done, then she wouldn't care.

She has told me not to go throwing my Oak around which is her name for mister winky. I told her not to let miss kitty out the house either and she said that she was staying in her cage.

 

I try not to read into stuff but whats up with that. It's not the talk of a couple that is done with each other or am I wrong.

[CaliGuy]

Read the book. You're doing things the wrong way if you want to repair this relationship. You should be embracing here distance right now and mirroring it.

 

And when a woman says "I don't want anyone's companionship right now" she really does mean YOURS. Sorry.

 

Have you received the book yet? If so, have you started on it? You need it. NOW.

[confuzd]

Yes I have the book, I got it yesterday, I havent read it yet though I need to be able to dive in and i couldn't do that yesterday I will read it this weekend though.

 

Yesterday Me and the Wife talked on the phone before she went to bed It was nice casual conversation. I told her that I was going out with a friend she said "sounds like fun" but I knew it bothered her.

 

this morning she comes by like everyday at 640am to drop off my son, she is very stressed and said she feels like she will never get a chance to stop running. I didn't say anything although i felt like saying "you should've kept your azz at home and you wouldn't be going through this" but anyways she gives me a hug and kiss, and I tell her to try and take a break sometime today. 5 minutes later she calls me on the way to work, and is just talking about her night and other stuff, then she asks if I went out last night. I actually didn't go anywhere because my friend flaked out. I told her that I did go out, but just by myself (I don't want her to think Im at home crying over her) she asked where I went and I said to the bookstore. she said "bookstore? what did you do there" I told her that I just had some coffee and read some books and that it was nice and relaxing. She said "interesting"

 

She was not expecting that, she probably expected me to go to a club or something and get drunk. I asked her what she did and she said she just watched T.V and fell asleep. I just said in a matter of fact voice "you know I kind of miss watching t.v. together and falling asleep together" she said "do you?" I said "yeah I kinda do" she said "me too", as if it was a realization"

 

we then go back on the topic of her being stressed and I told her that I was going out of town for business it was going to be very casual, and would be staying in a nice hotel. I told her that her and my son were welcome to come and just relax. she said that would be nice but she would not be able to clear her mind with me there.

 

My friend who is very knowledgable in this area and who knows my wife , said that it is obvious that she still loves you, but that she does not trust you. He said "instead of trying to get her to love you, by wanting her to do or say stuff that implies she loves you, you need to be focused on regaining her trust" which means that I need to let her breathe which I have been doing and when she does come around not to pressure her for any emotional attention. pretty much the same stuff you guys say, just good to keep hearing it.

 

I guess its hard to understand how she can be lonely and miss being with me and want to be with me, but not want to be with me at the same time because she can't clear her mind.

 

What does that mean clear her mind, clear her mind of what?

[CaliGuy]

I will also add that you should not lie to her. Lies are much harder to remember than the truth (and keep in order).

 

When she questions you about where you went or did, instead of lying just don't get her a straight answer. It's better to have her wonder than to lie. It's not the same as lying, you are just not obligated to tell her your whereabouts or what you are up to. She gave up that right when she walked away.

 

Remember that.

 

And read the book. ASAP.

[cocismanuk32]

Caliguy, I've ordered that book and am waiting for it. I am going through a very similar situation to confuzd right at the moment.

 

I totally understand and am living the difficult thing of craving some reassurance from my girl and any ounce of affection and doing this is counter productive as you and others have said many times.

 

While I wait for this book (the delivery says anything between 13 and 26 July) please could you expand on the essence of what the book says? What does it do to the girlfriend if you are needy and seek reassurance all the time?

 

What is the best course of action right now? Is this just some waste of time and we would be better off startin to try and get over the decision that she 'wants to be on her own' ie translates to 'does not want to be with you'?

 

I would imagine that there are others reading this thread and some of us have ordered that book. A little heads up on its content would be much appreciated as it may help us deal with things better right now.

 

Confuzd - does your girl say that she is 'in love with you' still, or just that she still loves you? Mine says she has love for me but does not feel the 'in love' thing anymore.

 

I don't know if my situation is less hopefull than yours. I don't know if it would be possible for her to regain that 'in love' thing with me. Anyone got any ideas if this is possible?

 

My situation involves s being together for many years and me falling out of love with her and not showing her love and support over some pivotal moments in our lives. My constant lack of respect and love I reckon has worn her love down and she now does not feel such love anymore. The cruel thing is that in the last year my love for her has slowly come back and now I want to show her all m love. Is it too late? Has her love gone never to return? Can she not believe me?

 

She spent ages coming to the decision for us to separate, and was held back many months for fear of not wanting to hurt me. I guess I need to translate anything she says to me now as she has guilt about hurting me like this. She is stuck between doing this for herself and not wanting to hurt me more than necessary. She also does not want to give me affection that could be misinterpreted by me as a reason to hope for a reconciliation.

 

Am I in a hopeless situation? I guess I will get a raft of responses telling me to pepare for the worst etc. I know that someone desperate for hope will grab hope from the littlest thing, and that you guys who are trying to help do not want to lead people like me and confuzd into having any false hope, but there must be cases like ours where the girl has actually had her own issues and things have eventually come round to a reconciliation and a happy ending?

[confuzd]

Hey Cman thanks for adding your thoughts to my thread, and thanks caliguy for your input yes I have begun reading the book and it is interesting. I agree with much of it so far, Im not done yet so I will not form an opinion so quick.

 

I have read many threads on LS, probably one of the best I've read is the one by ILMW. It started off very similar to my story, however there are always differences that makes every situation unique. I recommend that you read ILMW's thread Cman if you already haven't it is very long and will probably take a a few hours, it spans over the course of an entire year and is still going. But I think you will definitely be able to relate as I have in many ways.

 

We obviously have had our hearts broken, and we want to beleive that there is hope for the future, I can not say for sure that my wife and I will be together again but I truly beleive we will (the power of positive thinking), it is more than just positive thinking for me though and I feel I am not just grabbing at meaningless signs, my wife has really given me concrete signs that we could be together, let me explain.

 

you as ILMW are in a situation where your wife has openly said she is no longer in love with you. My wife has never told me this, and has actually said that she is indeed still "IN" love with me. My woman is not one to lead me on, she reminds me of ILMW's wife in that she is very strong (yet soft, and compassionate) and is not the type to play mind games. My wife has also said that she wants us to work out, and that she always has wanted us to work out. ILMW's wife never said this, she always stood by her conviction that she did not love him and it was over.

 

When my wife told me these things it was always when her guard was down, and she was letting her real feelings out, there is no way a woman will say these things when she is in Defense Mode, even if she is feeling it. I have backed off on my wife a whole lot, I still wake up every morning thinking about her but I do not call. When she asks I tell her that I am respecting her space.

 

if a woman is done I don't think she would volunteer this information, she would be more apt to saying I don't know, or she would just be honest and say no I'm not in love with you (but that doesn't necessarily mean she can't fall in love with you again)

 

She obviously loved you once, but you nor I remained the person our wives fell in love with.

 

Where I think ILMW went wrong was that he was doing what a person would do if the woman needed space but was still in love. He was always there for her, still nice, he didn't call all the time, he gave her all the space she needed, and he showed her that he truly changed. This is a great tactic if the woman still loves you, but just needs to trust that you have changed.

 

I don't think it is so great if the woman truly does not love you anymore, I think being understanding and backing off was appropriate, but I think he should've been a little more proactive in creating the attraction and getting her to fall in love again. It almost seems as if he helped her leave him and move on with her life.

 

Please note that I have the Ultimate respect for ILMW, he is an example for us all, I'm just not convinced that he was going about it the right way, but maybe I'm wrong.

 

I was told by a friend that it doesn't matter that you are still there for your wife, because if you are not doing the right thing you might as well not be there at all.

 

 

my update

 

I did not call my wife at all yesterday, and at about 840 pm she calls me up and asks why I didn't call to talk to my son, I told her that I was getting ready to and that I knew he stays up later on fridays, and that I was going to call before he went to bed. She then asks why I didn't call her, I think this is the real reason she called, she know that I would not go with out calling my son. I just told her that I was respecting her space. she said "oh" then we continued to have some great conversation

 

I listened as she told me about her conflicts at work with a coworker, I just sided with her and prodded her to keep talking, then the conversation moved towards another coworker, and how she was molested by her grandfather up until the age of 13 and how that affects her and her husbands sex life. My wife was playing counselor and psychologist. I just listened and agreed with the advice she gave.

 

We then started talking about relationships, and she said that the key to a relationship is communication, she said that if there is no communication or a lack of quality communication than a relationship is doomed. I took that as my que to communicate some things to her.

 

I first told her that I always thought she was a great lover, she said "did you really, I never thought you did" I said "yes I did" she asked why, and I told her because she was very passionate, and of course beautiful. She said that I was a good lover too but that I did not have sex with her as often as she liked, it was like once a week.

 

I told her that I understood, and that alot of it was because I was stressed in the relationship as well, but it was not because I did not find her attractive, she said "well that's how it made me feel" I then said "yeah I know that now, but I can guarantee you that we will never have that problem again" she said " I would hope not"

 

Now I'm not one to grab at straws (okay maybe I am) but that seems to me like an obvious sign that things could work out, my friend also agrees. He also said the fact that she is interested in why I thought she was a good lover was a sign as welll. He said that if she was done she wouldn't care either way.

 

but I will not get my hopes up. I also asked her if she would be willing to decorate the house for me, I told her that it had a lot of memories and that I was looking for something fresh and new. She quickly said "what you don't like the memories" I said "it's not that, you know theres good memories and bad memories, but I feel like I am starting new and am a new person and want to reflect that in the house" she said that she would like to do that. I said "great I think you will do a good job now that your Miss Interior designer and all" she said "I always have been, you just never let me show it" i agreed that I was wrong for that.

 

during our relationship I always called the shots, I said how things would be decorated, I cooked, I cleaned, and in many ways she felt as if she was not able to be the woman and that I was better than her.

 

In all actuality I am fine with the way my house is decorated, but I want her to see the house as her own, and I don't want her to be reminded of bad times when she comes over. I also want her to know that her opinion is important to me, which is something that she never felt. I truly feel I am going about this the right way. I am not over bearing but I am rebuilding trust. She is being receptive, It's like someone said. If you beat a dog then the dog will be scared to come to you, you have to sometimes just stand there and let the dog come, and maybe intice it just a little bit, but too much will scare the dog away again.

 

My wife is no dog, but I did damage her trust, and I have to go slow to get it back.

 

anyways sorry I went so long, I wll finish the book caliguy (I don't think he will let me breathe unless I do Lol) talk to ya guys later.

[confuzd]

I actually went back through my thread and I never noticed that ILMW actually posted a comment on my thread, I am honored.

 

I am also interested in what he thinks about my last post, and if he thinks that if he had done things different he would've had a different outcome.

[cocismanuk32]

I would love to hear what ILMV has to say on reflection. I wish I had that book - confuzd would you mind giving some of the key points at some point. I have my book on order but desperately don't want to make mistakes while I haven't read it yet.

 

I don't want to make your thread a dual thread, but if ok with you I would like to post now and then. I admire you in the tough time you are going through and the difficult effort you are making. I will read ILMV's thread when I get a couple of hours.

 

All the best to you confuzd.

[ilmw]

I actually went back through my thread and I never noticed that ILMW actually posted a comment on my thread, I am honored.

 

I am also interested in what he thinks about my last post, and if he thinks that if he had done things different he would've had a different outcome.

 

Hi, just came across this thread...

 

Thanks for the praise confuzd:)... as for your question.. I did what I though was the right thing... I know (maybe I could have done some things different) But not much... you can't change someone's mind when it is made up...

 

I really thought I might of had a break through around christmas... but this other guy was starting to show in the picture... and he took away my chances... of meeting her EM's... started of as friends.. now they are seeing each other...

 

So.. in a nut shell... do what you can... you will never know if it is the right thing... but I look back... and feel I did by... my kids and my DW the right thing.

 

Take care and never give up.... until you have no choice.. ( I still have not)... but I still go out and have fun... I see other women.... but... they are not her... (hung up) yeah... but that is kinda the reason I married her... and not any of the other women I have been with... (stands to reason)

 

I also recommend running... I started again..properly running .. and it is (for me) one of the best mood changers)... I feel great for doing it... and I look great for doing it... weights... were helping... but I did not get the same kind of high..

[ilmw]

Hi, just came across this thread...

 

Thanks for the praise confuzd:)... as for your question.. I did what I though was the right thing... I know (maybe I could have done some things different) But not much... you can't change someone's mind when it is made up...

 

I really thought I might of had a break through around christmas... but this other guy was starting to show in the picture... and he took away my chances... of meeting her EM's... started of as friends.. now they are seeing each other...

 

So.. in a nut shell... do what you can... you will never know if it is the right thing... but I look back... and feel I did by... my kids and my DW the right thing.

 

Take care and never give up.... until you have no choice.. ( I still have not)... but I still go out and have fun... I see other women.... but... they are not her... (hung up) yeah... but that is kinda the reason I married her... and not any of the other women I have been with... (stands to reason)

 

I also recommend running... I started again..properly running .. and it is (for me) one of the best mood changers)... I feel great for doing it... and I look great for doing it... weights... were helping... but I did not get the same kind of high..

 

Ohh I forgot to mention... this entire separation.. kick the crap out of me... causing me to take stock of me.. I saw things about me... I did not like/hated... kinda screws you up.. when you don't like looking in the mirror.

 

I went through a lot of changes... I became who I always thought I was... and wanted to be...(happy with myself)... my wife and I, may never get back together... but at least... I got me back... and I will have to live with me... till the day I die...:laugh: Being at peace with yourself for the first time in your adult life... is kinda cool. Geessh.. if you have read my thread... you will see the changes...

 

They were at first for my wife... but after IC... I found out it was for me... I learned without out self love.. how can you expect someone else to love you... (yeah I know... I was not the brightest light bulb on the Christmas tree) It took me a while to find me again... and find I could look in the mirror.. and see.. not did I only get the old me...back... but..also... I found there was peace within my eyes... the anger... that has controlled my life... was gone.

 

Now... if this was only for my wife... it would be a temp change... this was/is for me... these changes.. are permanent. When these changes... occur.. what used to bug me are now (red flagged)... I feel them coming.. and I now cope... where as before... I could not... and lose my cool.. or sink into myself...

 

That's enough or rehashing my own thread...

 

Take care all...

ilmw

[Reckless]

I still can't get over the feeling that this lack of open communication about the issues at hand will back fire on you.

 

I think that the fact that your wife was not happy for a long time is clear. That she still loves you is clear. That you are "courting" her trying to show her you will listen and be a better husband is clear. But I just have a nagging feeling that as long as you both don't agree to what you are actually doing then it risks going pear shaped at any moment.

 

If you both agreed to say 6 weeks space (no personal phone calls, lovey-dovey stuff ) and then she would decide if she wanted you to "court" her (get to know each other to see if she could trust you again...) for a few months after which she would decide if it's "no, I'm throwing in the towell" or "yes, let's give it another shot" then I would be more positive. But this proceding in romancing her, intimate chats ect. without the ability to say "so what are we actually doing?" .. I dunno it just seems like you may end up not tackling the central issues that caused a breakdown in the first place.

 

You are talking but your posts about how lost you feel, how you don't know what's going on, how you are guessing even the immediate future, indicate to me you are not actually communicating properly although you are talking.

 

It's clear she still loves you but is skipping the intial stage of the plan (PROPER breathing space, not the half and half 'we talk every night and tell each other we love each other and maybe sleep with each other if we get the chance..') is it wise I wonder... hope that you can just chat and romance each other back to where you were (but better) without committement to A plan on both your parts, but I'm still uneasy...

[confuzd]

I would love to hear what ILMV has to say on reflection. I wish I had that book - confuzd would you mind giving some of the key points at some point. I have my book on order but desperately don't want to make mistakes while I haven't read it yet.

 

I don't want to make your thread a dual thread, but if ok with you I would like to post now and then. I admire you in the tough time you are going through and the difficult effort you are making. I will read ILMV's thread when I get a couple of hours.

 

All the best to you confuzd.

 

No Problem CMan post away,

 

I read the book, it is a good book however I don't think it tackles alot of our issues, it is very much focused on infidelity, and furthermore it is geared towards let's say my wife's perspective

 

what I mean by that is , it is almost as if my wife has read the book and is following it verbatim. She has drawn the line in the sand and has woken my sorry azz up. But it doesn't really address how to get her back. Im the one who has been hurting her and she is the one who is fed up, and left so who am I to give ultimatums.

 

That is just my opinion. like I said it is perfect if I had done nothing wrong and my wife was cheating or something and I had to make her choose, but that is not the case. If anyone is in a position where there spouse is not listening or cheating or just not willing to change then this book may be great for you to wake your partner up. But when your partner wakes up how does he get you back if you have left? that partner can't then turn around and put an ultimatum on you as well.

[confuzd]

I still can't get over the feeling that this lack of open communication about the issues at hand will back fire on you.

 

I think that the fact that your wife was not happy for a long time is clear. That she still loves you is clear. That you are "courting" her trying to show her you will listen and be a better husband is clear. But I just have a nagging feeling that as long as you both don't agree to what you are actually doing then it risks going pear shaped at any moment.

 

If you both agreed to say 6 weeks space (no personal phone calls, lovey-dovey stuff ) and then she would decide if she wanted you to "court" her (get to know each other to see if she could trust you again...) for a few months after which she would decide if it's "no, I'm throwing in the towell" or "yes, let's give it another shot" then I would be more positive. But this proceding in romancing her, intimate chats ect. without the ability to say "so what are we actually doing?" .. I dunno it just seems like you may end up not tackling the central issues that caused a breakdown in the first place.

 

You are talking but your posts about how lost you feel, how you don't know what's going on, how you are guessing even the immediate future, indicate to me you are not actually communicating properly although you are talking.

 

It's clear she still loves you but is skipping the intial stage of the plan (PROPER breathing space, not the half and half 'we talk every night and tell each other we love each other and maybe sleep with each other if we get the chance..') is it wise I wonder... hope that you can just chat and romance each other back to where you were (but better) without committement to A plan on both your parts, but I'm still uneasy...

 

thank you so much reckless, this is a perfect example of how great this board is, I think I now know what I have to do. I had this sick feeling in my gut that we weren't going anywhere as well. Like I said before I don't want to put an ultimatum on her but In a way I kind of am, let me explain what I am going to do tonight.

 

when my wife comes to pick up my son tonight, I will tell her I need to talk. I will then proceed to tell her that I understand that I have been stressing her out lately with all my questions on what she is feeling and stuff. I will explain that the reason I do this is because I am lost and don't know where we are heading, I will then ask if that makes sense to her.

 

Then I will tell her that I want to relieve her of that stress and I want her to be able to clear her mind, and I need to clear my mind as well, so I will back off and let you think. What I would like to do is in a few weeks after we have both had time to think and clear our minds, I don't want you to make a decision on whether we are going to get back together because I reaize it is too soon, but rather make the decision to get a plan in place (as reckless said). I will tell her that I personally don't want to jump back into a relationship without dating her first, and rebuilding our relationship the right way. but we can talk about that in a few weeks after we had time to clear our heads, does that sound good to you.

 

If she says yes then great, If she says no then I will then see she is not even willing to give this any thought and I will move on.

 

I think this is about the best I can do with ultimatums, it is not really an ultimatum, im not making her choose to stay or leave, but like reckless said I am asking her to decide if we are even going to try.

 

Ill let you know how it goes. I have my fingers crossed please pray for me.

[confuzd]

okay so she came at 815pm to get my son, she asked if she could have a soda, I said sure and then asked if she would like a cup of tea. She said sure. So I made two cups of peppermint tea, and we sat down at the table. Normally when we have any major talks we sit on the side of the bed. That damn side of the bed has some bad memories for me. So we sat at the table. I started off just talking about stuff, then I went into it. she was very interested in what I was saying and I could see that she did not know what to expect to come out of my mouth. I basically told her what I said I was going to tell her. I told her why I kept slipping up and stressing her out with questions, and that I needed to clear my mind and I know she did as well. I said I did not want to just jump back into a relationship, but rather to take it slow and do things the right way.

 

If I didn't explain earlier we only knew each other about 4 months before before getting married we are both in the Air Force, and we met in basic training. Im a dentist recruiter and she is a dental hygienist. I asked her to marry me so that we could guarantee that we would be stationed together, also because I loved her of course. So our courtship was quick, we had a courthouse wedding just the two of us. I want to do everything right, I will propose to her again (probably in front of alot of people) and will have the wedding she always wanted. Sorry to digress

 

Anyways I said that I was not looking for an answer in a few weeks but rather just a commitment to put a plan in place on what we are doing and to maybe start dating and what not. I asked her how that sounded and she nodded her head and said yeah it sounds good in a soft accepting voice. After that we continued to drink our tea and had some good simple conversation. she left and hugged me (I know longer initiate hugs) once she hugged me I kissed her on the cheek, and she was on her way.

 

I think Im doing this right, I can now give her the time she needs and I feel more powerful to refrain from leaning on her for emotional support, because at least now we are headed in some type of direction.

 

thanks alot reckless