will my wife ever come back to me

[frd150]

Hello Confuzed and thanks for replying. I guess i asked you because i have nothing physical to go on right now. Like i said, just the sound of her voice and her words. You have the physical good or bad it is something more to go on.

 

 

the better answer is the rejection is something you don't want to take, it most definitely is something that you can take though. you obviously want this woman back, or you wouldn't be posting like the rest of us.

I know it is hard but right now your mind is protecting you, and it is in the what if she hurts me again mode. Try asking yourself what if she doesn't.

 

I guess i am protecting myself due to how much i feel i have progressed, despite the contact with her. Yeah, maybe i would be further along if i had just cut all ties. In fact i know from experience that i would. If someone would have come to me while i was dating her with the issues i am having i would have suggested NO CONTACT. But you see like some of the advice you got on here i think it too would have been the worse of two evils. We both drifted a bit into our careers. Well, maybe alot. I have never been in a position like this. I can usually walk away.

 

Seriously what if she doesn't? what if she wants you to meet her half way because she is embarrassed, or maybe scared of rejection herself. This is what I would do. If she calls you all the time, try calling her once,just to ask about her day. If you get a positive reaction then you can slowly continue, and maybe progress to other steps very slowly while always watching and gauging her reactions, remember the bird in your hand. What you don't want is to end up being the only one calling, if this happens then you may want to pull back a little, It's a game of give and take I think.

 

Ok so i called her yesterday. It was in the morning and she was setting up for her first client. She could very well have just let it go to voice mail but she answered. She answered very cheerfully "Good Morning!" I did the same. After som chit chat and her complaining about her drive into work i aked her about something unrealted that i knew she would know about. I already knew what i needed to do but i wanted her to feel that i still valued her opinion. Reason for this is she still calls me for advice and suggestions on certain things. Maybe it is her own hay of having reason to contact. she actually was helpful beyond what i already knew. Well her client showed and she said "Soory she is here, but call me later umm if you need more help on your issue, ok?. Well i knew it was going to be one of her longest busiest days so i left her alone besides i did not want to seem desperate. I did not want to be "that Guy". She has to know that i still want this to work. Somethig i posted along time ago was that her best friend told me that when she leaves a relationship there is no contact. She does not answer the phone and she definitly never calls. Well,she calls alot.

 

 

Sometimes I think it's a curse, because it gives me more opportunities to F%$# up than you. It is so hard to see her, and not grab her and kiss her.

You are in a scary position, but you are focusing on the negative, I would set small milestones and goals, each milestone leading to the ultimate goal. but focus on the small goals don't get to wrapped up in the ultimate goal yet. What do you feel from her voice? if you rather take it then do what you need to do to take it, you have backed off and that is great, she seems to have noticed and is starting to come around, maybe you should really see what she is coming around for. Don't get your hopes up, but don't give up either.

Tell me about it. This is why i have avioded seeing her. Just looking at her and how beautiful she is just sooo hard.

 

Maybe i have unknowingly set small goals. I have detached abit for my own sanity but maybe just maybe it has drawn her a bit closer. In the past she has had to deal with some pretty obsessive guys. I'll be honest i was one of those imeaditly after the break up. Normal i think because it was so sudden. As far as seeing what she wants....well, this is where i am real scared. I am trying to figure a round about way to do this without seeming desperate. I have learned in life that it is not done till its done in both the positive and negative sense so i moderate my hopes.

 

 

Alot of times we get so good at being strong and withdrawing that we get to the point of like you said being able to take it or leave it. You have been hurting for so long, and now that you have your power back and are more in control of yourself , the feeling is intoxicating. The thought of giving it another try is so sobering, and scary. What was the goal, was it to get to a position of strength to move on with your life, if so then great. Or was it to get to a position of strength so that you can communicate and pursue your love with the proper mindset.

 

The goal was/is two fold. To pull myself out of the depths to which i had sunk and also like you said in the above about my mindset and communication. I fully understand now how desperate i must have seemed before. Who would want to return to that? Definetly not me. And i hope in being that way i did not kill my chances of a full reconcilliation. I hope that memory is not fully locked into her head. I am however trying to make up fo it by being strongand confident. Lack of communication is what ultimatly lead to our demise. I look back and think about how i was. I got to comfortable and i did not put forth the effort that any elationship requires. At least in the communication dept. Now when i speak with her i listen to every word and due to this the conversations are no longer one sided. I also do this now in my day to day. I now believe that everyone i ome in contact with is important and if they take the time to communicate with me then i should take the time in return. Maybe she has noticed this but who really knows?

 

Do what you feel in your heart, if it is to get your woman back, then take it slow but definitely take it.

 

Right now i am willing to stay in the game but at the same time keep my options open. I guess i have to but it is just hard going on dates. I just keep thinking about her and comparing. Theres gotta be someone on here that can build a time machine for us. Imagine how things would be with what we now know?

 

 

 

So, how are things with you guys? Any progression? How are you holding up?

 

Maybe i just need to grow a set like you and go after it just a bit more.

 

Thanks again for letting me share on your thread.

[confuzd]

Dear confuzd,

 

Given the dynamics of the marriage, the fact that previously you seemed to have been insensitive and controlling it is doing you a great deal of good to be in touch with your sensitive side and learn some husband skills long long overdue. And I can see you progressing even through these pages. I get a feeling you are not someone used to being critisised and you are for the most part taking it on the chin.

 

You are reading me like a book, I can take criticism, but yeah you are right it is tough, I guess a lot is lost in translation when reading mere words

 

What we know is she is confused, what we know is she still loves you, what we know is she feels terrible about leaving. What we don't know is can she forgive you and recognise the part she played in the demise of your marriage? Can she get to the point to commit, if not to coming back , to REALLY working on things and not just to hearing you say you're sorry?

 

I wish I knew the answer to that, thanks for the reply

[confuzd]

I have never been in a position like this. I can usually walk away.

 

Yeah I know normally I could too, that's partially what makes me feel so weak.

 

 

Ok so i called her yesterday. It was in the morning and she was setting up for her first client. She could very well have just let it go to voice mail but she answered. She answered very cheerfully "Good Morning!" I did the same. After som chit chat and her complaining about her drive into work i aked her about something unrealted that i knew she would know about. I already knew what i needed to do but i wanted her to feel that i still valued her opinion. Reason for this is she still calls me for advice and suggestions on certain things. Maybe it is her own hay of having reason to contact. she actually was helpful beyond what i already knew. Well her client showed and she said "Soory she is here, but call me later umm if you need more help on your issue, ok?. Well i knew it was going to be one of her longest busiest days so i left her alone besides i did not want to seem desperate. I did not want to be "that Guy". She has to know that i still want this to work. Somethig i posted along time ago was that her best friend told me that when she leaves a relationship there is no contact. She does not answer the phone and she definitly never calls. Well,she calls alot.

 

Man that's great, now don't get too excited, and don't call anymore until she calls you back. Your woman is smart and I am sure she is well aware that you did not need her advice, so right now she is probably wondering what is going on. So let her wonder and let her call you back. Play it cool, when she can't take it anymore she may ask what is really going on in your head. Or she may try to figure it out on her own by giving you some tests. For now just play it cool.

 

 

Tell me about it. This is why i have avioded seeing her. Just looking at her and how beautiful she is just sooo hard

 

tell me about it

 

 

Maybe i have unknowingly set small goals. I have detached abit for my own sanity but maybe just maybe it has drawn her a bit closer. In the past she has had to deal with some pretty obsessive guys. I'll be honest i was one of those imeaditly after the break up. Normal i think because it was so sudden. As far as seeing what she wants....well, this is where i am real scared. I am trying to figure a round about way to do this without seeming desperate. I have learned in life that it is not done till its done in both the positive and negative sense so i moderate my hopes.

 

Yeah you have done good, your not like all the rest, stay that way. The phone call you made is perfect it did not seem desperate, or needy, and you didn't keep calling asking "can you talk yet". Baby steps, don't scare her off, stay vigilant and watch her reactions. you'll know when it's time to step it up and when it's time to back it off.

[confuzd]

Well I finally got to my destination, I was listening to Phil McGraw's Audio Cd's Getting Real on the way down, Great Cd's by the way.

 

I text my wife just to say hi, and she texts me back to let her know when I arrive.

 

So when I finally arrive I text her that I am here and she texts back "I'm glad", I was about to say yeah me too, but didn't want to sound like a jerk, then I was gonna text that I wish she was here with me, but didn't want to apply direct pressure, so instead I text her back "I wish I had someone special here with me", she texts back "oh yeah who would that be" I was going to say her, but again I think and come up with a better response and I say "someone who would love me" then I text "would that be you" she texts back "maybe".

 

so cool that little interaction went okay I guess, I decide Im gonna do something fun and I go and get a tattoo. I have been wanting another tattoo, so I just decide what the hell let me go do it (my wife loves tattoos as well, she thinks they are sexy). So I go to the tattoo shop, and he draws up a nice dragon (its for my son, he was born in 2000 the year of the dragon), and before I get the tattoo I call my son to say goodnight, then I hang up without talking to my wife. So I go ahead and sit down for my tattoo When my wife calls, she asks what I'm doing I tell her getting a tattoo, she was really shocked. She then started with questions like , who are you with, what made you want to get a tattoo right now, and so on.

 

I ask if I can call her back because I cant talk and get a tattoo at the same time. She has no choice but to oblige.

 

About two hours into this grueling process my wife calls back and I don't answer, then she follows up with a text saying that she just wanted to say goodnight. I text her back about an hour later after I am done (yeah 3 hours of pain) and say sweet dreams.

The next morning she calls at about 8 AM, I don't answer, then she calls again at about 815 again I don't answer, at about 9 oclock I call her back and we talk.

 

This is where I mess up again.

 

During the conversation, I talk about normal stuff. Then I ask her what she is planning on doing today, she says nothing (by the way she has been on leave all week) I say you've been doing a whole lot of nothing lately. She says yeah just relaxing, why? I then say it just seems like your not telling me everything when all you say is nothing.

 

That was definitely a dumb move for me to make, because I know that my wife likes to just relax and clear her mind by just doing nothing, me on the other hand I always have to stay busy doing something productive. So my insecurity go the best of me

 

She gets upset and says "see and you wonder why I don't call you, Im all ready stressed and this just adds on top of it" I tell her she is right and It was dumb of me, then she says "alright I'm gonna go ahead and get off"

 

So I am now kicking myself in the azz for being an idiot, while at the same time feeling weak because I really wanted to tell her that I will ask whatever the hell I want to ask, while at the same time getting pissed off at her for not being understanding ( this whole being a sensitive, understanding man thing is pretty tough, but I'm getting the hang of it).

 

So I call her back and tell her that she is right and I need to learn how to control myself with those questions, I then do something that I think is key. I ask for her help. I ask her to let me know when I am saying something that is stressing her out because that is the last thing I want to do. She says sure.

 

So from there we have some great conversation, she laughs. I do say some dumb stuff and she quickly tells me Im doing it again, so I immediately stop with what ever I was talking about.

 

here's some stuff from our conversation, with out all the unnecessary details.

1.my wife is very stressed and depressed right now, and has been doing some binging (she has a history of eating to supress her pain).

2.I ask if it matters If I love her or not, and she says yes

3.I ask if it is possible for a man to hurt a woman and then to be forgiven, and she says yes

4. I tell her that it seems like our relationship could be a fairytale with a happy ending, and she agreed

5. she said she was up all night and couldn't sleep

6.I told her that I knew she was stressed and got a good deal on a massage that she could use when she wanted, she was happy and said thanks.

 

I'm thinking maybe this whole new life thing isn't as fun and exciting as she hoped. She still has all the same issues that she had with me, I hope maybe she can realize that Yes I was to blame for some problems, but the root of her unhappiness lies within her. I think this realization is inevitable as long as I can quit being a dumb azz and stressing her out.

 

One thing I do different now that I didn't do before is I try not to let her stay angry, before If I made her angry, I would let her leave, or I would leave and eventually I would never even talk about it. She hated this and would always tell me that these problems never just go away, if I don't acknowledge them and resolve it. So now I just give her a few minutes to calm down, then I call back and get back on good terms, I never want her last memory of me to be negative even if for a day.

 

that's it for now. I'm sure Ill speak to my wife again before the night is over, I have to get over to a banquet later on and try to recruit some dentist into the Air Force.

 

later.

[confuzd]

so around mid afternoon I shoot a quick text just saying I hope she is doing better, She texts back "yeah, but its raining here again" I text back "that's too bad, it's bright and sunny here" then she says "thanx 4 rubbin it in" I was about to text back, that It was her fault since I asked her to come, instead the new me said "don't worry, the sun never shines as bright as it does when I'm with you" she texts back "how sweet" since everything is going good and I obviously am to stupid to leave well enough alone I go one step further and text "we should make plans to come spend the weekend here, in a few weeks you'll love it" She texts back "we'll see"

What does that mean?

 

So I just text back "that's cool, well I hope you have a good day"

 

I then call back about 8 to say goodnight to my son, and I chat with my wife for a few minutes, good friendly conversation, I end the call first. I called from a friends cell phone because I could not get any reception on mine at the hotel we were at.

 

about an hour later I finally get reception, so I text my wife "got a signal, just wanted to say it was nice to hear your voice" She texts back "thanx, u too" Since I am getting such good reactions, and my wife is being receptive I figure this is my time to lay it on thick, get it while the getting is good. When I had called earlier she was in the bed with my son watching some cartoon move, cars or something. so I text her "thank you for being such a remarkable woman, and a fantastic mother" she texts back "you don't have to thank me for that" then my final text was "I just wanted you to know that it does not go unnoticed" and she says "thanx"

 

The roller coaster is headed for the peak, I will brace myself for the impending dip.

[Mike1966]

Since I am getting such good reactions, and my wife is being receptive I figure this is my time to lay it on thick, get it while the getting is good. When I had called earlier she was in the bed with my son watching some cartoon move, cars or something. so I text her "thank you for being such a remarkable woman, and a fantastic mother" she texts back "you don't have to thank me for that" then my final text was "I just wanted you to know that it does not go unnoticed" and she says "thanx"

 

The roller coaster is headed for the peak, I will brace myself for the impending dip.

 

LOL confuzed.......

 

Wish I had one of those openings from my wife........I'd have driven in too! Keep your chin up, from reading your thread it really does sound like at the end of the day this separation may have caused you to make some very positive changes about yourself which will only enhance your relationship with your wife assuming things work out for the two of you.

 

I'll be anxious to stay updated on your situation, my friend. I'm taking notes as you seem to be a step or two ahead of me!

 

Keep up the good work and update your situation when you can. BTW..........I'm looking up the lyrics to that song you mentioned by Martina McBride, "How Far", maybe one of those days I can share it with my wife.

[confuzd]

Thanks for the kind words mike

 

So heres the latest, I'm back home now but last night my wife kind of gives up some of her power and exposes her vulnerablity. Normally I have been texting her just say good morning, good afternoon and good night. This has been going well, lets her know I still care and think about her, but at the same time I don't need to talk to her.

 

So last night I try to call my son to say goodnight, and he doesn't answer (he has his own cellphone) So I text my wife "I tried to call boogs (his nickname) and he didn't answer can you have him call me" so he calls, we talk, and then I hang up.

 

a few minutes later I get a text from my wife "I don't know why you are texting, instead of calling but whatever"

 

okay, I know this sounds weird to most but I think I know what she is thinking. Normally when I would go away for TDY's (in civilian terms business trips) my wife would always wonder what I was up too. And she would get upset if I didn't call. So I think she let this get the best of her and she broke down and texted me, thus exposing that she still has concern.

 

So I call her back and she doesn't answer, again I know what she is thinking "don't try to call me now just because I said something" women and their expectations they want us to be mind readers.

 

Normally I would get upset, but the new me texts back jokingly "Don't make me hurt you, I was giving you your space, I told you that If you wanted to talk I would love to, your phone works both ways, love ya" no reply, So I text one last time "well have a goodnight sweetheart" so that was that

 

the next morning I text her "goodmorning call me when you wake up" I get a call instantly. I know she expected me to argue about how rude it was not to answer my call, and to complain that I did nothing wrong by not calling. That was the old me.

 

I just talk as normal, I do tell her that I hope I didn't upset her last night, she quickly says no you didn't upset me (in a very, guarded tone) so I say "okay" and change the subject. I think she realizes that she exposed herself last night and is trying to get her power back by acting as if she didn't really care. I can see right through it.

 

So we start talking about harmless stuff then there is a break in conversation, so I tell her that I miss her, she says "do you really", and I say "yeah I do". Now mind you, the whole time I'm talking she seems really down, and vulnerable for some reason. Which is why I decided to tell her that I missed her. She then says "I miss you too" I say "do you" and she says "yeah"

 

At this point I was ready to go for the goods, and ask "well why the hell don't you come home then" but of course I don't do anything of the sorts. I just quickly change the subject before she feels bad for opening up so wide. The conversation goes well and I get off the phone.

 

about two hour later, while Im on the road back home she calls, what was weird is that she had nothing to talk about, so I didn't want to make her feel dumb for calling so I just start making conversation the best I could. But she was not saying much. I then ask her what is on her mind, and she says alot, And starts to talk about how she is stressed about starting a new position at work tomorrow and so on.

 

I just listen and then eventually end the conversation, but not before she asks is I want to go out and eat when I get home, of course I say sure. I get the sense that she is feeling lonely, which is why she called for no apparent reason, I also feel that she wants to get some stuff of her chest but wants me to make her feel comfortable enough to do it.

 

So I finally get home, and I text her that I arrived an hour later she is at my house with my son, I give her a nice hug and a kiss on the forehead, she starts looking at my tattoo and compliments it.

 

So we go out to eat at red lobster, and on the way I grab a bunch of pennies out of the car ashtray, she asks what I'm doing and I say "a penny for your thoughts" She starts to laugh and says "your crazy" I tell her give me one thought for each penny, I promise not to comment or offer advice. I hold the penny out and she pauses then says, "these jeans used to be a lot looser, than they are now" (my wife has battled with her weight all her life, she now has a six pack, and is in great shape but she can't seem to realize it.) I just say "hmm" and give her the penny.

 

We do this 3 more times and she reveals that

1. her jeans are tighter

2. she feels empty inside

3. she feels like she is going to fail at everything in her life

4. she feels like all she does is give and never get back in return

as she reveals all this she begins to cry.

 

alright this post is getting kind of long but man there is a million things going on in this womans life she elaborates on all 4 points and none of them have to do with me. I basically just comfort her, I offer no solutions, I tell her that I am here for her. I feel like we are getting closer. I truly think my wife is a depressed person.

 

She has never felt loved growing up, because of issues with her parents grandmother raised her, mother ignored, dad ignored her.

 

Anyways I could probably go on with the stuff we talked about but the important points here are that she is going through some internal battles, I have the opportunity to be her night in shining armor which I will be.

 

She is slowly realizing that she has a hard time letting people love her because she feels like she is a burden on people so she kind of sabotages her own relationships.

 

all I can say right now is unconditional love, she needs it bad. I'm still taking it slow though, I can not add anymore pressure she is already about to explode as it is, with out my help. she hinted that she wants me to be affectionate and to comfort her.

 

I don't plan to call her tonight, I will text her to see if she is okay and will wish her a good night. I still have to give her her space as promised. In mid August I will pop the question to see if she is ready to move forward and start to slowly work on a life together.

 

the journey is far from over.

[jmargel]

Sounds likes she is depressed along with feeling neglected. Trying to 'make it upto her' is not going to work. What would work is keep giving her space and allowing her to talk when she feels it. However at some point you should goto counseling for yourself and tell her this. Invite her to come along with you. This will get things rolling to allow the counseling to make the decision that she is depressed. If you tell her this, she will flip out on you. Or if you suggest counseling for her or as a couple right away she will run away.

 

Giving her the option to join you after you started allows her to make it her decision and allows her to help herself in all of this.

[confuzd]

Yeah she is definitely depressed, I agree with the counseling, I just really hate these military psychologists, Maybe I'll get lucky and find a good one.

 

Well, so much for my plan of only texting to say goodnight, I guess you gotta do what feels right at the time. Here is what I mean.

 

She calls me at 9:15 pm, normally if she is going to say goodnight to our son she will call around 8. So she calls and asks if our son is asleep and I of course say yes. Then she just kind of sits on the phone, so I make small talk, she seems really down, so I ask if she is okay, and she says yes.

 

I don't know what came over me and I wasn't expecting the answer that I got but I asked if she wanted some company. She surprisingly said that I could come over for a little while. So I just say okay I'll be there in a few like it was no big deal.

 

So I get there and she is smiling and kind of giddy like its a first date or something. She shows me around her apartment. i gotta admit it does not feel very homey. She did decorate it the best she could but it just has a kind of empy feeling. I tell her that it looks nice and I compliment all the decorating that she did.

 

So we sit on the couch and watch T.V., She is not really watching as I just kind of cuddle and stroke her hair. My whole goal was to make her feel comfortable, and secure. so she lays her head in my lap and is staring at the ceiling as I just play in her hair.

 

There is just a really comfortable silence. Then I decide what the hell and I give her a kiss, it was a pretty nice one but I could tell that she was not ready to get all the way into it.

 

In the past she would pull back on kisses if she did not want to have sex, because she would not want to get all hot and bothered. I kind of sensed that here as well, I was not planning on having sex either so I was fine with it.

 

so we just kind of enjoy each others company, and I tell her that I'm gonna leave, she starts to say "why" and then catches herself. (man she is giving up alot of her power) I just tell her that she has to get up early tomorrow and that I don't want to keep her up to late. i stay another 5 minutes and then I leave.

 

as I walk out the door, I just give her a quick hug and kiss on the forehead and say bye. As soon as I walk out I get this feeling that this was not right so I knock on the door, and she opens with a big smile.

 

I tell her that the way I left didn't feel right, and that's not the way you say goodbye to someone you love. So I give her a much more passionate hug and a sincere kiss on the lips, and tell her to have a good night. yeah that felt more like it.

 

So I get home and as I pull up in the driveway and my phone rings, and it is none other than my wife on the phone. Again calling with no real topic to discuss. so I talk to her, and kind of keep her company, then I tell her that it was nice to see her, and that I enjoyed spending time together and hopefully next time she will be feeling better. She said "yeah, I don't know why you would want to be around me anyways" I just kind of tell her that I do enjoy her company.

 

I also bring up the kiss, I tell her that it did not seem like she liked it, and she quickly said that she did indeed like it, so I drop that subject quick. I then end the call and tell her to get some sleep.

 

This morning she is starting her new position, she will be the head supervisor at the front desk of the dental clinic, this comes along with a lot of new responsibilities and subordinates to supervise. I text her "good luck today" and she replies "thanx"

 

I ordered a nice little plant to be delivered to her today, the card will read "your gonna do great from your #1 teammate", I'm sure she will like it.

 

that's all for now, at this point I am just taking it slow, I am still living for myself as well, I actually have always wanted a sportsbike, My wife was not to keen on the whole idea. Oh well, Im gonna get one next week, living for me right? My wife could just be vulnerable right now, or she could really be coming around, either way I have to be supportive and show her that I care, while at the same time showing that I am not concerned with her fulfilling my needs.

 

later.

[CaliGuy]

Confuzed, have you ever noticed that you tend to over-analyze everything? You need to learn to let things go and progress naturally.

 

I would also recommend you both get into couple's counseling ASAP. It would do you both good.

[jmargel]

Yup I agree with Cali-Guy. Don't analyze every little text message, call, kiss, etc.. That will drive you nuts. It's a guarantee that things will go down and the up at some point. If you don't like the milt. counselor then find a good licensed marriage counselor. Start going yourself and then after a few sessions, invite her.

 

Her depression, no matter what you do you will NOT get her out of it. You CAN'T make her happy, no one can. Only she, herself can. Being depressed is the opposite of being happy with yourself. However I doubt you are the cause of her depression. Good chance she relies on other people to make her happy and when you do that at some point you are going to feel disappointed and unhappy. It is also not fair to the other person to burden that responsibility.

 

You two need to get down to the root of the problem and pull this weed out by it. Just by clippin' off those leaves that weed will just grow back. Her living in an apartment, being confused is just the 'leaves' of this weed. Your/Her problems go way deeper than this I believe.

 

Without couseling the marriage will fail even if she comes back. I really hope you take the couseling into consideration and do it soon.

[Mike1966]

I see a lot of positive things happening in your relationship but jmargel and caliguy make some good points.

 

You'll drive yourself crazy wondering what everything means................it's hard not too, I'm beginning to think you and I are a lot alike as I read through your posts. My wife is gone to her sisters for 5 days (we are separated as you know) so I'm staying with the kids and made a personal commitment not to call her..............she's called me 5 times in 3 days...........some necessary calls, 2 were just to talk with me about stuff. I get off the phone and analysis paralysis sets in............"why did she call".........."does it mean she misses me?"........."does she still love me"..................you know how the song goes.

 

My wife and I have now been separated about 4 weeks with nothing but a big "?" for the future............no plans to reconcile, no plans to divorce. One thing I can say has helped is going to see a counselor. The one I picked was recommended by my Pastor and I can tell you it has helped me tons. I have mentioned to my wife that she is welcome to come with me but I will continue to go no matter what. One thing I have realized from my separation (I didn't want it) is that I was a pretty selfish person putting me ahead of my wife and kids sometimes, and, that I think I've spent most of my married life trying to make my wife happy which I cannot do. I am Christian so my "worldview" is that the only way I will really have joy is in my relationship with God, and, that things will not give me "happiness" which is temporary. I want my lifestyle to provide lasting peace and joy which no other person can provide me...........that comes from within myself (and from God IMO).

 

I commend you for getting a bike if you will enjoy it. One thing I'm resolving to do during my separation is learning to be patient and content with myself whether my wife and I get back together or not. I do want to reconcile, hopefully to a stronger marriage. At the same time, I realize that I cannot control how my wife feels or the decisions she makes so at the end of the day I have to be strong enough to go it alone.....................if nothing else so that I can be the father I need to be for my kids.

 

Thanks for the update on your situation and hang in there. I'll be updating mine fairly frequently and am very interested in your feedback as you've been down the road I'm heading.

 

Best of luck,

[confuzd]

Confuzed, have you ever noticed that you tend to over-analyze everything? You need to learn to let things go and progress naturally.

 

I would also recommend you both get into couple's counseling ASAP. It would do you both good.

 

Yeah I need to work on that, I guess it's because I don't get any concrete answers from her so I have to make what I can. I'll try to stop

[confuzd]

Her depression, no matter what you do you will NOT get her out of it. You CAN'T make her happy, no one can. Only she, herself can. Being depressed is the opposite of being happy with yourself. However I doubt you are the cause of her depression. Good chance she relies on other people to make her happy and when you do that at some point you are going to feel disappointed and unhappy. It is also not fair to the other person to burden that responsibility.

 

You are right on, I think she is also realizing that it was not all my fault as well, I also agree that I can not make her happy or snap her out of the depression, I will have to partially disagree with the fair part.

 

We have gone to see a counselor before the separation, and she was really not ready to continue seeing him, but he did say something that made alot of sense to me.

 

He said that we are all experts at taking care of ourselves, We know what we want and we have been taking care of our selves for a long time. When you get married it is similar to a hiring process. You put the ad in the paper (basically put yourself on the market), hold interviews (date) and then you hire that person (marry).

 

What are we really hiring that person for he asked me and what are we getting hired for. I didn't know. He said that we are hiring that person to take over the job that you have been doing all your life, being the expert at taking care of yourself. We are trusting our spouse to take care of us as good if not better than we have taken care of ourselves and to let us take care of them in return.

 

This made alot of sense to me, and I realized that I never fully gave her that chance to do that for me. I was 19 and had no clue what I was getting into. Im almost thirty now and have learned so much, hindsight is twenty twenty.

 

Anyways, I say that just to say that I am willing to take on her depression and I don't find it unfair, I now find it as my duty to take care of her as her husband. Although I used to think it was very unfair and that it was her problem to deal with not mine. Not anymore.

[confuzd]

I see a lot of positive things happening in your relationship but jmargel and caliguy make some good points.

 

You'll drive yourself crazy wondering what everything means................it's hard not too, I'm beginning to think you and I are a lot alike as I read through your posts. My wife is gone to her sisters for 5 days (we are separated as you know) so I'm staying with the kids and made a personal commitment not to call her..............she's called me 5 times in 3 days...........some necessary calls, 2 were just to talk with me about stuff. I get off the phone and analysis paralysis sets in............"why did she call".........."does it mean she misses me?"........."does she still love me"..................you know how the song goes.

yes I do, it is in heavy rotation on the radio station called my mind.

[confuzd]

Just steady moving along,

My wife called yesterday at about 6pm and I ended up talking to her pretty much all night, just as she would a friend. It was nice conversation and laughs.

 

I did kind of try to get mushy which I shouldn't of done. I told her I wanted to kiss her and she kind of said that I was doing it again (stressing her out).

 

After we got of the phone I sent her a text telling her that I was trying to understand her better, and just for informational pursposes wanted to know why telling her that I wanted to kiss her would stress her out.

 

She said "I have so much on my mind I don't know if I am coming or going, I want do to those things too (kiss) but I don't want to confuse you, so I dont what I'm supposed to say.

 

I text her back "I think I understand, you don't want me to think that we are getting closer and making progress" (I knew that's not what she meant, just fishing for an answer)

 

she text back "I guess" (she doesn't know)

 

I text her "well I must admit it did seem like we were getting closer, but if you don't want that then I have to accept it" (still fishing)

 

she texts back "I don't know what I want yet, that's why it stresses me out" (back to square one)

 

So that's where we are, I know I need to stop analyzing stuff but it is hard.

 

I do think that we are making progress, and that she doesn't know what in the world is going on. like you guys said I will continue to let nature take its course

 

I just have to remain consistent and make her decision to come back home a no brainer.

[jmargel]

You are right on, I think she is also realizing that it was not all my fault as well, I also agree that I can not make her happy or snap her out of the depression, I will have to partially disagree with the fair part.

Anyways, I say that just to say that I am willing to take on her depression and I don't find it unfair, I now find it as my duty to take care of her as her husband. Although I used to think it was very unfair and that it was her problem to deal with not mine. Not anymore.

 

Well it sounds like you are willing or going to try to take on a problem that is not yours and that you know you can't fix.

 

You will drive yourself insane in putting yourself into that.

 

What I am trying to get at is though it is both your responsibilities to take care of each other it is NOT your responsibility to make her happy or to take on a problem that is not yours.

 

This depression is HERS, which means SHE needs to take the responsibility of getting counseling, getting help and dealing with these issues within' herself. Sure you can be supportive and encouraging but this is NOT your burden and if you decide to try to share this burden of hers then she will not get out of this depression. You can't take the blame for what is inside her head. This is her own demon that she must slay without anyone taking any of this load.

 

I know it's hard but it's something that she needs to do herself. This is why she is stressed out, not sure WHY she is acting this way. The best thing to do is to be supportive when she calls but don't call her, eliminate ALL possiblities from your end in regards to stress. I think only then once she starts to eliminate the factors that are causing her to feel this way is when she might come to the conclusion that it's something within' herself.. the depression.. that is making her feel this way.

[frd150]

yes I do, it is in heavy rotation on the radio station called my mind.

 

 

I get that station too.

[confuzd]

alright I took heavy enemy fire last night, had to retreat and replan my attack.

 

Yesterday Morning I send my wife a text just saying hi, I do not receive a text back. Knowing everything I know I should've been okay with that but today it just really bothered me. I felt she should have the decency to acknowedge my text.

 

So I text her very politely "Hey I just wanted to let you know that if I text you it would be nice if you could at least acknowledge it, If not I have to assume you are just disrespecting me, Im just expressing a feeling and am not upset, If you want me to completely leave you alone I will"

 

she text back an hour later "I'm very busy and am not ignoring you"

 

So I text back "I understand but am only human, Now get back to work Lol. xoxoxo"

 

So after work she calls and says she needs to stop by and pick up some items from the house.

 

For some reason I am just having a down day, and she notices it when she comes over. I tell her that I am just having a down day, and I will deal with it.

 

to make a long story short (shorter) She flies off the handle, she says that I attacked her today with my text, that this is the reason for all her stress, and on and on and on. I try to interject but to no evail. So I just sit quietly as she rants. I'm thinking to myself you have got to be kidding me, is this what I'm fighting to save.

 

I try again to ask if she wants to talk because she should let me tell my side, and that I wasn't attacking her, and she says no. When my wife gets like this there is no reasoning with her. She beleives what she wants and doesn't give me the opportunity to tell her otherwise.

 

I clearly never attacked her, but whatever.

 

So I basically say, what do you want from me, I have been nothing but a friend to you, and this is what I get because I am having a tough day. She continues about me causing all her stress and she says she is done and leaves.

 

It was funny because I felt releived, this opened my eyes that yes I had some things to change but this woman has helped with the deterioration of our relationship as well. She said it was done, and there was no way in hell I was about to start begging again, so as far as I was concerned I gave it my best go. She was looking for a reason to be done, and she found it. It was a very poor reason in my opinion, but a reason nonethe less.

 

Okay so about two hours later, I get a text and it's my wife "I'm sorry I got angry at you, I am just so confused, I don't know what to give you" . Don't give me a damn thing (of course I didn't say that)

 

Then when I don't text back she calls, I tell her that I can not do this anymore, I tell her that she said it was done and that I was the cause of all her stress. So I am going to give you what you want.

 

She asks "what does that mean" and I repeat I am going to give you what you want, you no longer have to worry about what to give me or worry about me at all for that matter, you wanted to leave me so I am giving you what you want.

 

She then says it is messed up for me to give up after only a month (it has been longer than that). I tell her I am not giving up anything, I say "you just said it was over, I can't keep fighting when you can just blow up at the drop of a hat and end it" she says "I didn't mean we were over, but that this conversation was over" (bull****) I simply tell her that I can't do it anymore and that when she figures out what she wants then maybe we can start talking again.

 

In between there is more yelling on her part, but the above paragraph is what is important.

 

So I hang up and get a call 5 minutes later, she asks what time she wants me to drop my son off on sunday I tell her then get off the phone.

 

I get another call 10 mins after that "I need you to write down how much money I owe you on the first" (some of her bills still come to the house. so I say "okay I'll write it down for you" then I get off the phone again.

 

This morning she drops off my son as she does everymorning when it is her week to have him.

normally she will come up and give me a hug, but not today, and frankly I was glad.

 

I want her to actually think. I think that all this time she has been putting me off, because she felt like she could get to me when she was ready (I know many reading this are probably thinking, Duh...) but I see it now. I will be courteous, and will not be rude. But am pulling back further than I ever have, and I feel good about it because it is my decision and not hers.

 

Normally when I'm told to do something in order to get a certain response, I usually need to know why what I'm being told to do will illicit the response.

 

Well as you all know I have been nice, still comforting her and showing I care, and in return she does not know how to react, she does not feel comfortable returning the favor.

 

What I have realized is that the reason that this can be a bad thing is because when you do something loving, for example If I tell my wife I love her she will get uncomfortable because she feels she should say it back. And when she feels this way it is a reminder to her that there is something lacking with her feelings towards me.

 

So basically I have been reminding my wife pretty often, that she doesn't feel as strongly as I do right now.

 

Unfortunately alot of women are very big on feelings, and don't realize that love is a living thing that needs to be nurtured it is not just something that is or isn't there. Love is not a feeling it is an action. So when they are reminded that "hey why is it so hard for me to say I love you back" "hmm it must mean that I don't love him" this is far from the truth. by the time they realize this it is often too late

 

well she doesn't have to worry about that anymore. We'll see what happens til then I am going to enjoy my life.

 

 

Oh yeah one last thing, I did mention that if she was seeing another man, whether it was just a friend, or if she were to be with someone in the future that it would be over for sure.

 

She said she knew that, and volunteered to tell me that she had no male friends, companions or anything of the sort, and that she was not looking.

 

I told her that she can do what she wants, but I just wanted her to know what that would mean to our future.

 

later.

[jmargel]

Yesterday Morning I send my wife a text just saying hi, I do not receive a text back. Knowing everything I know I should've been okay with that but today it just really bothered me. I felt she should have the decency to acknowedge my text.

 

So I text her very politely "Hey I just wanted to let you know that if I text you it would be nice if you could at least acknowledge it, If not I have to assume you are just disrespecting me, Im just expressing a feeling and am not upset, If you want me to completely leave you alone I will"

 

Honestly you are being VERY selfish and was an attack. You just took major steps backwards. This is the reason why she is feeling this way.

 

Stop acting like a child. She doesn't need to acknowledge you everytime you text her. You don't even do the same for her.

 

You really need to see a counselor.

[Cioriel]

I have to agree that the text you sent did sound like an attack. You obviously did not mean it that way but you can't expect her to contact you back every single time you contact her. She has a life and you are not #1 in every aspect of her life. She gets busy and it is unfair to expect a text back every time you text her.

I also agree that both of you need counseling to work on your personal issues, and each of your personal issues need work before you can even consider a reconcilitation possible. You have overanalyzing issues, which is something you aknowledge you need to work on (although I wonder if you really believe that..). Overanalyzing makes relationships and life in general not fun, which is why one (or both) of you weren't happy in the relationship. You keep referring to how she is 'giving up her power' which is not a good way to be looking at this. Relationships aren't about who is showing more power or control or who is being the vulnerable one.....I think you need both need to open up to each other about your issues, especially you since she has already started doing so. Talk to her about how you overanalyze things but that you want to get help (if you indeed do). The sooner you both realize that you each have your own issues to deal with, the better off you will be both individually but also reconcilitation-wise.

[lysne]

Hi Confuzd. I want to commend you for giving your relationship so much care, attention, and yes, love. It sounds as though you may have taken it for granted in the past, but now that you have realized the importance of it to you, you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild it and nurture it to its full potential. I am really impressed by your sincerity, and I am sure that your wife would be too if she could only understand how much you truly care (as evidenced by this thread).

 

You have taken responsibility for hurting your wife (you have only alluded to what you have done, but it seems that at the very least you slowly eroded her faith and perhaps some of her love for you through impatience, neglect, and maybe double standards regarding levels of commitment). This and a true commitment to changing are the keys to having that “fairytale” relationship you have discussed, and because you seems to have a clear and very mature perspective on your mistakes and faults, I believe you have every chance of winning her back and rebuilding a great relationship. However, you do seem to be unfortunately a bit “confuzd” about exactly how to go about doing that.

 

What you wife needs more than anything is to believe in your sincerity, your love, and your commitment to her. It is your job to help her believe that. She clearly loves you still, but after more than 9 years of getting half-hearted commitment on your part, more than anything she is afraid that you haven’t really changed and will revert to your old self as soon as you feel secure again that you will not lose her. She moved out because she wanted to find out whether you really care, and frankly, what you are willing to do to win her back (though she probably wouldn’t admit this to herself). Don’t listen to all the naysayers on this thread who are projecting their own experiences and saying that she just wants to manipulate you or control you. If she as kind-hearted, giving, and honest as you say she is (and she must be or you wouldn’t care so much), then that isn’t the reason. The only thing she wants – and desperately wants as far as I can see – is for you to prove commitment to changing your relationship for the better, so that she feels secure in your love for her and in your mutual future together.

 

As a woman in your wife’s position, this is the most important thing I can tell you. The entire concept of “space” is a huge fallacy and the source of many of your problems in your efforts to rebuild your relationship. Your wife does NOT want space. What she really wants when she says that is does not want to deal with your neediness. She needs to know that you are strong enough and love her enough to give her 100% unconditional support, even if she doesn’t reciprocate. “Space” is just a way of saying that she is finished giving for now, and she needs to know whether you are capable of giving her what she needs without reciprocation for the time being. Because what she’s really afraid of is that you have become used to receiving her love and support, and it is really your own needs and fragility that are driving you to want her back, not true love for her. This is a crucial question in her mind right now.

 

You should not be “respecting” her space. You should not be “dating.” You should not be playing games with text messages and phone calls – pick up the phone and CALL HER. Often and without reservation. Do not be afraid of her reaction, and if you are afraid of it, be upfront about it and tell her. So call, but don’t call because you want to be reassured or because you need something from her. (She will give you that more often and more intensely than you can even imagine the minute her concerns are resolved and she feels totally safe.) Instead, let her know directly that you want to communicate for purpose of letting her know how much you care and miss her, and that you understand her position and you don’t need anything back from her right now. And don’t EVER fish for those things from her. Occasionally she might lose her temper a bit because you may trigger some resentment she has, but be patient and reassuring. That patience will make her confidence in you and her love for you grow. (Her guilt will probably result in opening up and positive feedback as well.)

 

You should not propose to be “dating” her. You should not be waiting until mid-August to ask if you can begin anew. For you, anew begins NOW because you love her and are confident that you can be everything that she needs. You need to communicate to her that as far as you are concerned, you are her loving husband right now and always, and you will be there for her every minute and every day until she believes you and is comfortable and safe enough to come home. There is no wait and see. YOU know how much you care and have changed, and you will dedicate yourself to helping her understand and believe that for as long as it takes. (Of course you should take her out on proper dates as you have proposed, but let her know that you consider yourself married to her because she is the only woman for you and you will not forsake those vows.)

 

Stop giving your wife mixed signals. She needs consistency from you, and you need that too. Don’t run hot and cold – just communicate to her the truth about how you feel (again holding back on your needs for now). This emotional honesty is the only thing that can a) get through to her, b) open her up, and c) set the foundation for a great relationship in the future based on meeting one another’s needs. Your wife is giving you every possible encouragement, frankly. That is what she really wants – a future in which you both meet one another’s needs. Even now, even though you probably don’t always see it, she never totally shuts you down, even when you are triggering some resentment or anger, because she doesn’t truly want to close the door on your. Far from it, it seems that she wants to encourage you to continue communicating, and to continue being the new, sensitive and understanding guy that you have become.

 

Stay that way and she will begin to trust you and love you more than you knew was possible. When the time comes, you probably won’t need to prompt her to understand what are the mistakes she has made in the relationship – she will be the one to bring it up, to shed tears over her own faults, and to commit herself to changing herself for the better too. If you lead, she will follow. She will also gain deep admiration and respect for you and your wisdom and compassion in this time. And you will become closer than you have ever been. Please don’t listen to the people on here that protest that you are setting yourself up to be a “doormat.” If you know that your wife is truly a good person, generous and compassionate, you can bring out the very best in her by bringing out the very best in yourself. You CAN achieve that fairytale relationship. Have courage and check your pride at the door.

 

Here is what you can do to turn things around a bit. You have gotten off-track in recent weeks, I think. Start with the emotional honesty that I mentioned, and begin telling your wife how you really and truly envision your future together. Tell her what kind of man and father you want to be. Tell her your dreams about being together on the day your son graduates and the feeling of pride you imagine you will share. Tell her if you dream about having any other children with her, and how you feel inside when you think about her being pregnant with another child of yours. Tell her about your dream vacation as a family, and include whatever intimate details you really wish: holding hands together on a warm night on the beach, or cuddling together in a cabin while you can hear birds in the jungle. Tell her that you regret you never had a real wedding celebration, and detail some specific ideas of how you imagine putting on one in the near future. Tell her all the things that you never expressed to her in the past – specific times your remember that your heart was really full, or that she was so beautiful she took your breath away. Tell her how you knew she was the one, and any specific times since that really reaffirmed how you felt. Don’t make things up, don’t be cheesy – just be truthful and you will be amazed at how liberating it is. If she feels any pressure to reciprocate those feelings and you can sense that she isn’t ready, just be very gentle and tell her you know that when the times comes she will be ready to tell you how she feels too.

 

On the other side of things, you also need to make her feel safe and encourage her to tell you immediately and whenever she is feeling bad or depressed about something with regards to your past. This is much more often that you know. She probably gets obsessed with particular details or times that she felt deeply hurt but has never felt able to tell you. You need to understand that these are the things that built up to the point that she finally left, and believe me when I say that they will never go away until she feels free enough and secure enough to tell you. You must handle it, and take that pain and express true remorse for it. Probably many times. (There will be a day that she will also feel the full weight of remorse for things she has done to you, and you can also communicate your anger and hurt to her when she is ready. That will of course be equally important.) Encourage her to call you and get it out, no matter how angry or depressed she is. If she learns to open up, you will become exhausted dealing with it, I guarantee you – but it is essential to recovery. You must keep your cool, accept responsibility, and express true remorse.

 

From this you will also find out what things trigger negative emotions for her. I sense from your post that going out with your friend that night to a bar, or letting her believe you could have, is a big trigger. I can’t tell you how many times I told my husband I had a “bad dream” about something, but what really happened was he did something and I got a rotten feeling that was triggered by past experiences and negative associations. “Going out on the town” is a pretty common one. If this is a big issue for her, you need to tell her you won’t go out to bars anymore with her and mean it. Period. Same for any other triggers you discover. Some people here will protest that you don’t need to sacrifice your whole life or individuality for a relationship, and that true – but you do when you need to reestablish love and trust in a relationship that is already broken because of those very things. In this particular example, I think the solution is pretty simple. You yourself get a bit crazy when you think of her going out with her friends and potentially getting with other guys – same for her. So simply offer to stop doing that kind of thing: mean it, be consistent, and don’t do it. (I don’t get the impression you really enjoy that kind of lifestyle without your wife anyway.) Call as necessary to back up your promise with proof. It’s amazing how these simple gestures can address fears, rebuild trust, and bring you closer together just by making small sacrifices for each other. Good relationship are not selfish, and to some extent they take responsibility for one another’s happiness whenever possible and reasonable.

 

A recurring issue in your posts is sex. This is a big one, and I think you need the woman’s perspective so that you understand what is happening when she pulls away or says “don’t push it”. Women are VERY highly attuned to men’s advances or sexual desires, no matter how small or seemingly innocent. For you, sex is natural and an expression of passion and love if it’s with your partner. You want to have sex in order to express that as a form of communication, and to bring you both closer. You’re not wrong. However, women have a rather deep-seated fear that men will do anything to have sex, including SAYING anything to get it, which they may or may not mean. Therefore women who have multiple unresolved emotional issues with their partner often don’t want to make love until those issues are resolved, so that they know their partner truly cares for them and their needs. Otherwise, they just feel used. There are also fears and resentments mixed in there about men being able to have sex with anyone, therefore putting pressure on a wife to give it, and invalidating the meaning of it, all at the same time. So it can be a very vicious cycle.

 

This is my suggestion for what to do about it: once you start to see some results with your wife, and you feel that she is receptive to you, I would be very frank and explain how much emotional value it has for you when you make love with her. Tell her that men who really love their partners view and experience sex as a form of powerful communication that solidifies the couple’s bond. (As a woman, I did not understand or even suspect this for the longest time.) Do not tell her this unless you are sure that she is able and ready to listen to you and understand what you are saying! Otherwise you will provoke a very negative reaction based on her interpretation (and fear) that you will just say anything to get into her pants. Timing is key.

 

Apologies for the biblical length of this post, Confuzd. I wish you luck. I can tell you that if your case is as I believe it is, that you can make things work and much faster than you think. My husband committed a serious breach of trust and hurt me very deeply; I did not just move out of the house, I moved overseas. I did not think I would ever reconsider, and I didn’t give my husband much hope. However, my husband somehow figured out what to do to communicate his true remorse, love, commitment, and changed attitudes to me. It is a major struggle sometimes for me to believe and trust him after that much pain – at the moment I’m staying overseas until I feel completely secure enough to go back. But he never stops supporting, communicating, caring, or finding ways to show me how committed he is. As much anger and sometimes even hate as I have expressed, his ongoing patience and support have slowly, slowly begun to rebuild my faith in him and my belief that he truly wants to commit to doing anything to make this relationship not just function but thrive. He respects my need for time, my need for proof, and my decision to get away but he never gives me “space,” which if I am honest, is exactly what I needed.

[jmargel]

Lysne, that is some really, really good advice. If I may add to it, that confuzd actually do more than just 'tell her' all these things. He needs to get the help by going to a marriage counselor and then inviting her along. If she doesnt agree at first, that's fine but to go and actually learn. It's also a great stress reliever to talk to someone like that. It will 'show' your wife that you are committed to changing not just talking about it. Your wife needs substance behind what you tell her.

[CaliGuy]

You really need to see a counselor.

 

I think I mentioned that earlier.

 

He's needy/clingy with her and it puts her on the defensive.

 

If she doesn't text him back right away he gets pissy with her and demanding then a fight ensues.

 

He is aware of her faults but not quite aware of his own.

 

I suggest reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" as well. If he has read through "Love Must Be Tough" he would have started to pull back without being whiny about it.

 

She's pulling back, he needs to pull back.

 

He has many things to learn. More than just a simple email can cure.

 

Definitely agree with the counseling.

[lysne]

Lysne, that is some really, really good advice. If I may add to it, that confuzd actually do more than just 'tell her' all these things. He needs to get the help by going to a marriage counselor and then inviting her along. If she doesnt agree at first, that's fine but to go and actually learn. It's also a great stress reliever to talk to someone like that. It will 'show' your wife that you are committed to changing not just talking about it. Your wife needs substance behind what you tell her.

 

Yes, you are right. It's important to 'show' you mean what you say in whatever ways possible. In my case, my husband of his own volition started weekly visits with a therapist (apparently a really good one!), stopped smoking just to make me happy, initiated total transparency in terms of where he is and what he's doing (bank accounts, phone calls, etc), and it seems he is also keeping a daily journal of his activities, thoughts and feelings while I'm gone, which he will give me to read when I'm considering coming back. Sometimes when I'm having a hard time or a hard day, he reads to me over the phone an exerpt of what he has written before. For me it helps to hear the things that don't always get said on a daily basis -- to know that if I am sitting around thinking and caring so much about the relationship, so is he.

 

Your case is different since you see each other fairly often, but the principle still applies. Find as many ways as possible to back up your words with substance. Show your wife you care through your interactions. Go to a therapist and write down what you have learned or thought about in terms of changing yourself and your relationship (one day let your wife read it). Avoid doing things in this time that you know your wife doesn't like, like getting a bike. That's because she will interpret it as you not having regard for her feelings or putting her feelings first, which will trigger all the other negative memories and worries she has. Instead, build up her trust and happiness and eventually SHE will propose that you get a bike if she knows how happy it would make you.

 

I would also try to give her quite a bit of physical affection that is not sexual. Ie, no hot kisses. Focus on comforting gestures: hugs, cuddling, kisses on the forehead or hair. Stroke or play with her hair. Hold her like you own her. It is such a comfort and a relief to women to get caring physical contact for its own sake and WITHOUT feeling like its only purpose is foreplay. If she gets uncomfortable at any point, it's because she's concerned that you just want sex. Address this directly and tell her you don't intend that at all, you just want to be close to her. This and the intimacy of it will help build her faith in you a lot. Later when the timing is appropriate, reference what I said earlier about sex. Depending on the dynamics of it though, the best thing would probably be to let her initiate it when she's ready.

 

Confuzd, you have the right attitude to make this work. I usually lurk and have never taken the time to post before, but when I read your thread I was impressed by your mindset. Recently you mentioned that as your wife's husband you are willing to take on her depression and don't find it unfair. If her depression is over you rather than medical (which it seems to me is the case) then this is exactly the right attitude to change things around. Take care of your wife's needs and happiness, and she will take care of yours. This separation is in fact an OPPORTUNITY for you to be a better husband, to break down the barriers that grew up in your marriage, and to build the kind of relationship you and your wife always wanted. Good luck.